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"Reggie! I need your help." Sirius cried as he entered his brother's room.
Regulus sighed loudly. He stretched his long legs under the covers and covered a yawn. He tried not to look as annoyed as he felt.
"Haven't you heard of knocking, brother mine?"
"There's no knocking when it's an emergency!" He let himself fall brutally on the bed.
Regulus moved his legs at the last minute, thankful he managed to escape his brother’s weight. He carefully bookmarked his page and sighed again. He used to have peaceful Sundays once but that was before he moved in with his brother.
"Okay. So who are you in love with today?"
"How did you know??"
"You come to me and not James so I'm assuming it has to do with another random boy you found yourself in love with... And we both know how poor Potter is at flirting."
"Oi that's rude!" Said the one Potter, also entering through the opened door. And why did people think it was something to do, stepping in other people’s rooms? "Just because it doesn't work on you doesn't mean I'm bad at it!"
"It's not just me, James”, he teased, “it doesn't work on anyone."
"Focusing!", Sirius interrupted them, "let's talk about my future husband please."
"Oh, so now you're getting married?", Regulus raised an eyebrow.
"He is perfect, Reggie! Really!"
"Please you know my name Sirius, use it."
Sirius waved his hand in the air.
“Come on, Reg!” ’Reg’ rolled his eyes. “you know him!”
“What do you mean I know him?”
“I saw you two talking at the library.”
“What on earth were you even doing at the library?!”, it was James who gasped behind them.
“Looking for a book obviously you daft. I had to borrow a book about ancient architecture for my project.”
“I’m surprised you even know where the library is.”
“Don’t play smart, Prongs, you only know where it is because you snogged Lily there last year.”
Regulus cleared his throat, pushing away some very unpleasant memories. “Anyway, it’s irrelevant, let’s go back to the man. Who is it?”
“I don’t know.”
“Right, I forgot you fell in love with strangers.”
“He works there, though, you talked with him on Monday when I picked you up for lunch.”
Regulus eyes went wide, “Remus??”
Sirius shrugged, “You are the one who knows his name, not me.”
“He is…” Regulus tried to describe him, but Sirius cut him off.
“Very tall and very cute. He wears large jumpers, has curls falling around his hazel eyes and badass scars on his nose. He looks like an angel God sent on earth. He has legs to die for and an ass that makes me want to strip him on his desk.”, he explained.
“I guess it must be him…Yes …” Regulus weirdly confirmed.
“Perfect!”, his brother jumped around.
“I didn’t know you were into nerds, Siri.”
“Just because he likes books doesn’t mean he is a nerd, Potter.”, the younger Black coldly replied.
“Oh, have I upset you baby Black?”
“Don’t flatter yourself, James.” Regulus snorted, “you couldn’t upset me if you tried.”
“Is that a challenge?” James asked, coming closer to him.
“Focus boys!” Sirius snapped his fingers. “How do I make Remus fall in love with me?”
“Maybe you should try talking to him, I heard that worked pretty well…” Regulus offered.
“Wait!”, James said, “we don’t even know if he is into blokes.”
Two pairs of eyes turned hopefully toward Regulus.
“You two realize I’ve only talked to him like three or four times, right?”
Okay, he was lying. He actually had talked a lot more with Remus but the last thing he wanted was his only friend to date his chaotic brother. At least, the closest thing to a friend he had. He did love his brother, but he also knew very well how his relationships never lasted long and he really didn’t want to lose his friend.
“And did he confess his love for cocks one of those three times?” Sirius asked hopefully.
“Jesus Sirius…”, his brother sighed. He ran a hand on his face. “Well. I think he actually may be queer.”
“Would it hurt you to be more precise?”, an annoyed James asked.
“I don’t know, would it hurt you to be smarter?”
“Reg!” Sirius moved his hand in front of his brother’s face to get his attention back and did his puppy eyes, “does he like boys??”
Regulus shrugged. “He is an expert in queer literature. That’s all I know.”
“It could be a hobby.”
But Sirius was already jumping around happily.
“Just because he is into boys doesn’t mean he is into you”, Regulus brought him back to earth.
“Please Reg, have you seen me?”
“I mean it. He is way out of your league.”
“Is he?”
“Sirius. He is one of the smartest and most interesting people I’ve ever met.”
“Damn.” James almost opened his mouth wide. “He is out of Sirius’ league.”
“Thanks for the support, Prongs.” Sirius pushed his arm.
“Pads, Reg finds him interesting, that means everything.”
“Shit.”, he let himself dramatically fall on the bed again.
Regulus rolled his eyes and took his book. “Fine. If that’s all, you can go.”
“Wait!”, Sirius turned to him again, “help me! What do I say to him?”
“That is your problem, not mine.”
“You could bring him tea.”, James suggested.
“Tea?” Both the brothers repeated.
“Well nerdy guys like tea, don’t they?”
“I-“
“Brilliant Jamie!!”
And Regulus rolled his eyes again. He almost wondered if you could get hurt by rolling your eyes too much. Perhaps he needed to do some research.
“Reggie do you know what kind of tea he likes?”
“Obviously I don’t! Why would I know that?”
“I don’t know! He is your friend, not mine.”
“God. He isn’t my friend.”, he let out a sigh again, surprised he still had breath, “I guess he has enough respect for himself to drink his tea like a normal person.”
“Oh yeah?” James asked, “and how does a normal person drink his tea, Regulus?”
“Surely not by adding more sugar than water, James.”
“Yeah cause drinking it pure it’s so much more distinguished.”
“You know,” Sirius stopped them, “you are my baby brother and my best friend, which means I really shouldn’t say that, but, please, shag already.”
Regulus dropped his book as he nearly jumped.
“Okay, that’s enough. Time is up. Bye.”
He pushed them out of his room.
“You need to wake up now.”
A voice and a hand on his shoulder made him instantly open his eyes. He couldn’t stand an unwanted hand on his body and he knew very well who he had to thank for that. He was greeted by a tall guy with curly brown hair and so many scars across his face. He looked almost sorry, playing with his jumper’s sleeve.
It took Regulus two more blinks to realize he was still at the library and that he had miserably fallen asleep on his work.
“You seemed to sleep well but we are closing so I can’t let you stay here all night.”, the tall boy told him.
“Oh of course! I am sorry.”
“Are you okay?”, he asked, “you didn’t even hear all of our pre-closure warnings.”
Regulus bit his cheek. Sure, he was okay, just a little tired and a little angry and a little sad and a little lonely but nothing he couldn’t manage.
“Yeah, I am just… really tired.”
The boy frowned but he seemed to decide it wasn’t his business anyway. He glanced at the books spread on the table.
“Are you an English major?”
Regulus nodded. “First year.”
The boy smiled. “I am a third year, if you ever need help, I work here.”, he turned and pointed at the employees’ desk.
“Oh… thank you.”
“No problem. So… I still need you to pack your things so I can lock the place and go home.”
“Sure! Sorry sorry!”
Regulus hurried to his table feeling an uncomfortable guilt in his stomach. He stopped on his phone to see he had three missed calls from his brother and even a text from James. Something silly about him being sad if Regulus did die like what Sirius had been claiming for the past hour. It did not make him laugh, it just hurt him a bit more. James had felt it was necessary to add that even Lily was starting to get worried and Regulus thought he might as well never come back then.
The library guy cleared his throat and Regulus shot him an apologizing glance before finishing his bag.
“Here I’m done.”, he said as he threw it over his shoulder, “again, very sorry.”
“It’s okay. I am glad you feel safe enough to sleep here, you know.”
He walked him over the exit and locked the door behind them.
“Which way are you going?”, he asked him.
Regulus’ hand tightened on his bag. “Why? Are you planning on following me?”
The boy rolled his eyes and laughed. “I just wanted to walk you home, but you clearly don’t need my protection.”
“I am a big boy indeed.”
“Well, good night then, big boy.”, he smirked.
“You can call me Regulus, you know.”, he presented his hand, “Regulus Black.”
The boy shook his hand. “Remus Lupin.”
“So, your brother came by this morning…” Remus told him as he scanned the books he wanted to borrow.
“Whatever he did, I am very sorry.”
“He… brought me tea.”
Regulus nearly dropped his bag as he was searching for his library card. “Did he?” he gasped, a bit too loudly for the place, earning himself black glares from the other students.
“Yes.”, Remus smiled, “he actually brought all the flavors they had at the campus coffee shop to be sure I had something I liked.”
Regulus tried hard not to laugh too loudly. “Christ… I… I don’t know what to say. He can be… extra sometimes. If you want me to tell him to leave you alone, I’ll understand.”
“No, don’t!”, he answered too quickly, “I… uh… He is nice.”
Regulus smirked. “He is, yes. And very gay.”
“Yeah, he mentioned that… A couple of times.”
Regulus rolled his eyes. “Sorry, really. You know, he actually asked me to put some good words for him. He thinks you are very pretty and everything.”
Remus’ cheeks turned pink. “That’s… hum… unexpected.”
“I told him you were out of his league but that’s not like he cared.”
“I am what?”, it was his turn to gasp too loud and he apologized shamefully. “He is out of my league, not the other way around!”
“Wow…”, the Black blinked, “you are into him too.”
“I…”, he blushed furiously, “That’s not what I said!”
Regulus shook his head. Why did the universe hate him that much? Why did that interesting, smart boy, had to find is brother attractive? Would he still be a good almost friend if he chose to sabotage that relationship?
He sighed and rubbed his face. He had lost that battle.
“Did he give you his number?”, he asked.
“… He did.”
“Good.”, he smiled. “Then I think you should text him.”
And he walked out with his books and a weird feeling in his chest, unable to say if he had done a good thing or not.
*
It was, obviously, a wrong idea. In almost two years of living with his brother, he should have known better.
“I have a date!” Sirius screamed in the living room for the fifth time. “I have a date with Remus!”
James was sitting with a beer and his stupid big smile on the couch. “Yeah we know mate, I’m pretty sure the entire building knows too at this point.”
“As they should!”
And Regulus watched his brother spin in their living room, a bottle threatening to fall in his hand.
Yes, he thought, as he heard the sound of the glass breaking, Sirius’ scream, and James’ laugh, that was a pretty bad idea he had.
He sat outside, enjoying the fresh air of the late June’s night and taking a break from the noise and the crowd. It was James’ and Sirius’ last day of school and they had dragged Regulus to the celebration party. But he had quickly run away because he had never been the party kind. He just wanted to go back to his place and sleep.
“Here, baby Black”, James appeared in front of him and handed him a beer.
Regulus rolled his eyes. “You’ll never let go of that stupid nickname, will you?”
“It suits you too well.”
“I am not a baby, you know.”
James shook his head, his glasses low on his nose. “You’re right, you’re not.”
They stayed in silence under the stars, only disturbed by the distant muffled sounds of the party and some screams from drunk students. James was playing with the edge of his glass and kept running a hand in his hair.
“Reg…”, he started, too calmly for someone like him, “you know that you don’t have to go back with them if you don’t want to, right? You are more than welcome to come at mine’s with Sirius.”
“James…”, Regulus sighed. “Yes, I know what you’ve already told me a thousand times.”
He was tired of having this conversation. It was the only thing they had talked about for the past days and it led nowhere.
“I’ll say it as many times as you need to actually do it.”
“It is not as simple, you know that.”
“Regulus, come on!”
“Please. I don’t want to argue with you tonight.”
“Well”, James retorted, “I don’t want you getting hurt.”
Regulus’ fingers strongly held the neck of his bottle as he felt his entire body tense.
“Shut up, James.”, he hissed.
“I won’t shut up. I want you to be safe.”
“Why can’t you mind your own business?”, he shouted and tried to keep his tears in his eyes. Why did James have to ruin everything?
“For fuck’s sake, Regulus. You are my business.”, he assured, putting his free hand on his shoulder.
Regulus leaned almost automatically into the touch.
“Please… Let it go,” he begged. “I don’t want to fight and we’re not going to change our minds.”
“There’s no need to fight, just come with us.”
“Stop being so stubborn! I can’t. You know I can’t. Not yet.”
“Then when?”, James blurted, “I won’t wait for you to show up at my door shaking and covered in blood in the middle of the night!”
Regulus bit his lip. He knew that’s how the Potters had found his brother last Summer. He didn’t exactly know what had happened with his parents for things to get that bad but he had a few ideas and he could only imagine what Sirius looked like when his best friend saw him. James was almost shaking against him and it made his heart ache.
“I promise it won’t come to that.” He stroked his arm.
“Please just let me help you.”, he pleaded with a defeated voice that just made his heart suffer more.
“You’ve already helped Sirius, that’s enough. I can take care of myself, ok? We agreed I would join you next year at Uni. That’s the best I can do.”
James nodded weakly with the sad face of a man who had lost his war.
“Promise you will call if things get bad.”
“I promise.” He took his phone out of his pocket. “Look, I’ll make you my emergency contact, what do you say?”
James smiled. “Perfect.”
Regulus put his phone away and, when he looked back at James, he was staring intensely at him, with something in his eyes Regulus couldn’t catch. The distant lights were reflecting on his glasses, but his eyes were also shinning. His mouth opened, ready to say something, but quickly closed and he shook his head.
“Are you alright?”, Regulus felt the need to ask.
James nodded then stroke his cheek with the tip of his fingers. They were warm on Regulus’ face and he closed his eyes in content. They moved lower and, before he could realize, they were on his lips, carefully tracing the edges like an artist contemplating his work. He felt a rush of air on his skin and he opened his eyes. He met James’ dark gaze and felt a shiver down his spine.
Next thing he knew, sweet lips were on his.
Next thing he knew, James Potter was kissing him.
It was not how he had pictured his first kiss to be. Not with the taste of cheap vodka on James’ tongue nor the awkward moves of hands on his side, as he didn’t know what to do with his beer. But still. It was James. And it was perfect.
“Jamesie?” A voice made them jumped and broke the spell.
They separated quickly, almost ashamed. James didn’t even have the time to shot him a sorry glance or whispering an apology because the voice was becoming closer.
“There you are, Prongsie!” Sirius shouted in front of them.
“Hey, Padfoot.”, James greeted him with a smile.
Regulus brought his drink to his mouth just to occupy himself and forget about what had just happened.
“Oi, you’re hiding here with Reggie! Stop trying to get my baby brother drunk.”
The baby brother rolled his eyes. “I am not drunk, idiot.”
His own voice sounded weird to his ears but, luckily, his brother was too tipsy to notice the tension between James and him.
“Why were you looking for me, Si?”
“Oh right!” Sirius clapped his fingers. “Pete needs us for karaoke. If we crush it, and we will, we can win a meter of shots!”
“Wow!” James chuckled. “I’ll be right there.”
“You can come too, Reg!” Sirius winked at him.
“Thanks, but I think I’ll pass.”
“You’re not funny…”
“I guess you got all the funny genes.”
Sirius barked into an awful drunken laugh and James smiled at him.
“Come on Pads, let’s go. We have a karaoke to win.”
And, just like that, he disappeared into the house.
No last word. No last look. Just an acid taste stuck on the tip of his tongue, screaming, “it didn’t mean anything”, and seeming harshly right.
The next time he heard about James it was when the boys threw their housewarming party. It was when Regulus stepped on their flat and found Lily Evans laughing with James in a corner. It was when Regulus had to watch them kiss over and over again.
It was when realized it, indeed, didn’t mean a thing.
“Do you hate me?” James stood in his door frame, shirt opened, and hair everywhere.
Regulus tensed above his computer. He really needed to put a lock on his bedroom door. Especially with his room-mates, who didn’t seem to understand the concept of intimacy. Sure, the two best friends went to boarding school together, which basically killed every sense of boundaries, but Regulus didn’t share a dorm with them. Regulus valued his private life. Regulus valued civil rules. Regulus valued basic education.
He shook his head. “What are you doing here, James?”
He looked at the time. Barely after 11 pm. It was Saturday night which meant it was the best friends’ night out. They would go to whatever party there was and have the time of their lives. They would come home still drunk, usually once the Sun was up, but certainly not before midnight.
James let himself fall on the bed next to him as Regulus attempted to protect his computer. He saved his project and carefully put the precious on his desk. James, who smelled like whiskey or one of the others many drinks he must have had, asked again.
“Do you hate me, Regulus?”
Regulus sighed as he ran a tired hand through his curls. “Why would I hate you, James?”
“You’re always cold with me…”, he sadly said, tears threatening to escape his hazel eyes.
“Jesus James, how drunk are you?”
“I am not drunk!” he squeaked but a tear fell on his cheek.
“James… I think you should go to sleep.”
“I don’t want you to hate me.”, the older one insisted, fighting the tears running down his face.
Regulus sat next to him and shyly put an arm around his shoulders.
“I don’t hate you, James.”
I actually really like you he kept for himself.
He knew he had been very cold to James lately but that was only because his crush on his brother’s best friend had become too intense. He couldn’t let them find out.
For as long as he could remember, he had had a crush on James. And he hated it. How cliché was it to fall in love with your big brother’s best friend? Especially when said best friend was the reason the brothers ran away from their abusive family. Really, everything about his crush on James was cliché. James was his older, hot, nice, funny, savior and Regulus fell for him way too easily.
So no, he obviously didn’t hate him. He hated how flustered James insisting flirt made him feel. He hated how James dated Lily Evans for two years, including one just under his nose, as they shared a flat. He hated how James was warm, always tactile. How his laugh was so loud it echoed in his chest. He hated everything about the way James made him feel but he did not hate James.
“I am so sorry Reggie…” he sobbed against his chest.
Regulus didn’t know what to do. James Potter didn’t usually cry. He awkwardly petted his hair and he hated that it was as fluffy as he expected it to be.
“You have nothing to be sorry for, James. You are just very drunk and very emotional, and I really think you should go to bed.”
“I don’t want to leave you!”
“Your room is literally at the end of the corridor.”
“Please…”
Regulus sighed and tried to analyze the situation. Did he really want to sleep with drunk, clingy, James? Obviously, no. But said James was still sobbing against him, looking way too vulnerable and he couldn’t leave him alone.
“Okay. You can sleep here.”
“With you?”, hopeful eyes looked at him behind wet glasses.
“With me.”, butterflies came alive in his stomach as James gave him one of his brightest smiles.
He took the glasses off and put them on the nightstand.
“Go to bed, I’m going to the bathroom, but I’ll be right back.”
James watched him leave with squinted eyes and Regulus throw water on his face. When he came back to his room, he was determined not to let James take control of his emotions again. He carefully joined him in his own bed and tried not to get lost in James’ smell. In James’ warmth. Mostly, in James’ arms.
As he was drifting to sleep, comfortably settled against the man he had loved for half his life, almost sure that said man was asleep, he heard something. James was crying again.
“James… Are you okay?”
"I shouldn't have kissed you"
Regulus froze, his entire body tensed. That was not what he was expecting.
"James... We're not going to discuss that. Not now."
“Sorry…”, the weak voice answered, “I am sorry Regulus. I never wanted to hurt you.”
Regulus did his best to keep the tears inside his eyes. He couldn’t talk about all the ways James did hurt him while he was in this state. No matter how much he wanted to.
“Please.”, he nearly begged, “Sleep, James.”
If James finally slept, Regulus stayed wide awake during the entire night.
*
Remus thanked the barista and came to sit next to him. The little coffee shop they had found in the city wasn’t really busy on that Sunday morning, most of the students were still sleeping, probably hangover after partying all night. Just like James and Sirius. It was a cute, warm place with books filled with shelves and Remus’ favourite hot cocoa.
“So, what's the story with James?”
Regulus almost dropped his coffee cup and split some parts on his knees. He was far too tired from the night before to discuss this topic. He could still feel the panic in his stomach as he left James still asleep in his bed an hour ago.
“Sorry”, Remus smiled, “I don't mean to overstep.”
“It's fine...”, he sighed as he tried to clean up the mess, “I just... wasn't expecting that question.”
“It's pretty obvious there's … something, whatever it is, between the two of you.”
Regulus didn't meet his gaze. He studied his plastic cup before sighting again.
“It's... complicated, to say the least.”
Remus nodded. “You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to.”
“I don't know...”, he bit his lip, “I guess... it might be nice to have someone to talk to... I don't really have... friends.”, he smiled bitterly, “just Sirius and, well, I can't really talk about this him, can I?”
“He'd be crazy.”
“He already is.”
“True.”
They stared at each other and burst into laughers.
Regulus wrapped his long fingers around his cup.
“So… James...”, he took a sip of courage, hoping the caffeine would give him the strength to face the mess that was his and James’ relationship. “we met in boarding school, that’s how he also met Sirius. It was a fancy one, I guess, for rich and aristocratic…” he gestured in front of him, “like us.”, he pointed at himself. “Like me.”
Remus gave him a knowing nod.
“But James… Well, he wasn’t an aristocrat.”, he smiled, “I think that’s why it worked so well between Sirius and him, you know, it was its way to rebel against our parents, our traditions and everything we eventually ran from. Anyway… James was as rich as we were, his family just was not as psycho as ours, fortunately. So, he and Sirius clicked right away. They were 11 and they decided they’d be best friends for life. I guess it worked until now.”
“It looks like it, yes.”
“So, when I arrived a year later at the boarding school, I felt like James had stolen my brother, you know? He had been my only friend during all those years. We had home classes, obviously, the two of us. Yeah…”, he laughed bitterly, “I hated James when I first met him.”
“Surely when I see the two of you, it didn’t last.”, Remus commented with a smirk and hot chocolate at the corner on his lips.
“No. I soon realized I had…”, he stopped talking, the words stuck behind his teeth. He couldn’t bring himself to say it out loud. It would make everything too real. “I realized that I did not hate him. Not at all.”
Remus put a comforting hand on his shoulder. “I see. You can say it, you know, the world won’t stop because you allow yourself to feel something.”
Regulus bit his lip. “Yes, I know… I’m just… not ready yet.”
“Well,” he put his almost empty cup on the small table, “take your time, I am not the one who needs to hear it anyway.”
Regulus stood still. “Wow. I am not going to tell him.”
“Why not?”
“Because! He doesn’t like me. It would be reckless to ruin our friendship with this. Especially since we’re living together. And that would put Sirius between us. That’s a terrible idea!!”
His hands were moving quickly in front of him and he could feel his heart was beating too fast. He couldn’t blame it all on the caffeine.
“Hey hey… Calm down”, Remus’ soft voice told him, “it’s okay. I’m sorry I said that. It is not my place.”
Regulus nodded and tried to get his pulse to normal. When he felt like he was back to earth, he took another sip of his coffee and turned to Remus, who was watching him worryingly, again. He cleared his throat.
“Hum… To continue the story, Sirius ran away from our parents’ abusive home at sixteen. As you can guess, he went to James’. Which led to another year of hatred against him for me. I was just really scared and lost and sad… and well… James did offer me many times to come too but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it.”
Remus was sitting quietly, hiding behind his curls, an unusual dark look on his face. He had a hand still on Regulus’ shoulder and he squeezed it from time to time to give him strength.
“One time… things got really bad at home and I … I went to the Potters’. I don’t know why I did, I just wanted to see them, you know. I just needed to see James. That’s when I really realized how screwed up I was. They fought for me to stay but I barely spent two days there before going home. James made me promise him I’d come to live with them once high school was done.”, he was now smiling at himself, alone in his memories.
Alone with sunburnt James. Alone with the cigarette’s smell and James’ warmth. Alone in one of the greatest moments of his life.
“That’s sweet of him”, Remus stated.
“It was, yes. He has always been sweet to me. Well… Almost.”
“Almost?”
He hesitated; he had no idea how deep he wanted to dig. But it felt so good to be able to talk about it with someone. Someone who wasn’t his diary. He drank the rest of his cup.
“Okay. When they finished high school, they took me to the big graduation party. There were alcohol and music and dance and… James kissed me.”
“What?” Remus almost jumped on his chair.
“He kissed me.”
“Dear lord. And you yet you were telling me he didn’t like you.”
“He started dating Lily right after that and they stayed together for two years.”, Regulus reminded with acid in his throat, “so, yes, I am telling you he doesn’t like me.”
“It’s fucked up.”, Remus said very seriously as he cleaned up his face.
Regulus laughed out loud. “Yes, it is.”
“Thank you for telling me. I still have one more question, though…”
“Yes?”
“Why did Sirius find you and James in your bed when he went home last night?”
Regulus was glad he had no coffee left because he would have choked himself to death with it. His face felt hot and he couldn’t quite find the right words.
“It is not what you think.” He quickly said.
Remus laughed. “I am not thinking anything.”
“He just showed up drunk and sad last night and I didn’t have the heart to send him back into his room.”
“So you lent him your bed, how generous of you.”
He tried hard not to bite his nail, a bad habit that used to make his mother crazy. “I can see now why you get along with my brother so well.”
Remus laughed again. And that was it. Perhaps he did have a friend.
“Does your brother know?”, James asked him as they were sitting together in the garden.
Sirius had fallen asleep in the grass under the big oak.
“What do you mean?”, he closed his book.
“Does he know that you’re not going to stay here and you’re planning on going back to them?”, James asked again, not even looking at him, a cigarette between his fingers.
Regulus clenched his jaw. He didn’t understand how James did to know him that well. To see through him that well.
“I haven’t told him yet.”
“You don’t have to.”
“Tell him? I’m afraid I need to.”
He felt James tense next to him. Of course, he had perfectly understood what he meant.
“You know what I’m talking about, Reg. You are more than welcome to stay here.”
“I can’t.”
James finally turned his face toward him. “So why did you come?”
“I wanted to see Sirius.”, he lied.
“Sure…”, he inhaled the nicotine, “I’m sure it has nothing to do with the bruises on your back.”
Regulus almost dropped his book. He was sure he had hidden them. He had been very careful. How the hell did James see them? Yes, he had a fight with his mother last night. And, yes, he had given a fake excuse to his parents and sprightly ran away to one of the safest places he knew: the Potters. But James didn’t need to know that.
“I fell into the stairs.” Even he didn’t believe himself.
James snorted and created a cloud of smoke in front of him.
“Come on Reg, how stupid do you think I am?”
“Not stupid enough.” he sighed.
At least, it made James laugh. He looked at his best friend sleeping on the yellow burnt grass.
“He won’t let you go.”
Regulus knew he was talking about his brother but there was something in his voice, coming from the shiver in his throat, that said he was also talking about himself.
“He doesn’t get to control me.”
James met his eyes. “I am not going to let you go either, baby Black.”
Regulus shook his head. “You don’t get to control me either.”
“Why are you even going back?”, he almost shouted but stopped after a glance at Sirius’ sleeping body.
“They are my family, James.”
“So is Sirius.”
“He ran away. He was disowned.”
“So what? You don’t consider him your brother anymore?”
There was a wave of unusual dark anger in his voice as his fingers held the cigarette tighter. It somehow warmed Regulus’ heart to see that his brother had found someone who really cared about him.
“Of course, he is my brother. I’m just saying, he took a risk that I am not willing nor capable of taking.”
“Why not?”
“Because!” He nervously played with the back of his book. “I still care for them. They’re not perfect but… they’re my parents, James. They’re all I have.”
“You have me.”, his voice was softer, like silk against his heart.
“That’s not the same.”
James shook his head and eventually let go.
There was something too heavy and it had nothing to do with the upcoming storm. There were still so many things still stuck somewhere between their heart and tongue. They couldn’t bring themselves to talk.
So James silently finished his cigarette.
“Fine.”, he crushed it on the floor, “but you have to tell him soon.”
“I will. I think he already knows anyway.”
“Yeah…”, he nodded, “he fears it.”
“I’m sorry…”, the younger one whispered.
“What for?”
“Not being strong enough.”
“Oh, but you are strong, Regulus, so much stronger than what you think.”
James Potter, 7:07 pm : Hey baby black, fancy spying on your brother's date?
Regulus, 7:07 pm : what the hell Potter ? Leave him alone.
James Potter, 07:08 pm : Come it will be fun!
Regulus, 7:08 pm: are you insane ?
James Potter is typing...
Regulus, 7:08 pm : please, don't answer that.
Regulus, 7:08 pm : of course, you are.
James Potter, 7:09 pm : you know me so well baby ;)
Regulus, 7:09 pm : I hate you so much.
James Potter, 7:09 pm: Luv you too xx
James Potter, 7:13 pm: so you won't come? It won't be as funny to ruin it alone...
Regulus, 7:13 pm : James. I'm begging you, don't do that. I don't fancy making pancakes for a week while Sirius drowns his sorrow in another Gossip Girl rewatch.
James Potter, 7:14 pm : then you should come and stop me cause I'm almost there
Regulus, 7:14 pm: are you fucking serious?!
James Potter is typing...
Regulus, 7:15 pm : if you answer with a pun I swear I'll block you.
James Potter, 7:15 pm [sent a picture]
Regulus, 7:15 pm: for gods sakes what is wrong with you Potter???
Regulus, 7:15 pm : don't you dare entering that restaurant.
James Potter, 7:16 pm: make me ;)
Regulus, 7:16 pm : I am on my way. Don't move.
James Potter, 7:16 pm : finally!! We have a date <3
Regulus, 7:16 pm : this IS NOT a freaking date. It's a rescue mission cause I'm a good little brother.
James Potter, 7:17 pm : sure, you tell yourself what you want baby xx
Regulus, 7:17 pm : I will kill you with my bare hands.
James Potter, 7:18 pm : can't wait!
James Potter, 7:25 pm: so, where shall we eat ?
Regulus, 7:25 pm : this whole mess is your fault. Figure it out.
James Potter, 7:25 pm : bossy aren't we ?
Regulus: 7:25 pm : just make sure it's not too crowed. I don't want any witnesses when I'll strangle you with my napkin.
James Potter, 7:28 pm : how are you dressed?
Regulus, 7:28 pm : what a lame attempt at sexting, Potter.
James Potter, 7:28 pm : what?!
James Potter, 7:28 pm : oh god Reg
James Potter, 7:29 pm : I can't believe that's how you see me
James Potter, 7:29 pm : my feelings are hurt ;(
James Potter, 7:29 pm : obviously, if I wanted to sext that's not how I would do.
James Potter, 7:29 pm : I was only asking to picture what kind of restaurant we could go!
Regulus, 7:30 pm : [sent a link]
Regulus, 7:30 pm : that's where we're going. I don't trust you to choose a place.
James Potter, 7:31 pm : wow. Feelings hurt again
Regulus, 7:31 pm : you are obviously paying.
Regulus, 7:31 pm : I'll be there in five.
*
Regulus arrived at the restaurant at the exact time he said he would.
He tried not to smile when he saw James’ stupid beautiful face.
He was still mad at him and he still felt weird. James had always been a professional at avoiding any serious talk, especially when it involved their relationship and it seemed like the incident from last Saturday wouldn’t escape the rule. Sure, Regulus hadn’t helped, considering he almost ran out of his room to meet Remus in the morning, but James was nowhere to be seen for the rest of the day. He had barely seen him for the entire week, actually, both probably trying to pretend the other didn’t exist. It all felt like a sort of déjà vu, back when Regulus had moved in with the boys and James and he had tiptoed around each other during the first weeks.
“Regulus, darling, you’re finally here!” James exclaimed from the other side of the room and cut his thoughts off.
“Good evening, James.”
“I am so happy you could make it dear! I was afraid you wouldn’t come.”
James offered him his arm to walk him towards their table.
“You do know I have functioning legs, right?” Regulus asked, hoping the sarcasm might hide his flushing cheeks.
“Sure, I am well aware of that, but it doesn’t mean I can’t help you.”
“Why are you talking like that?”
“Like what?”
“Like my dearest mother.”
James let go of his arm and took the most offended look he could as Regulus tried not to laugh.
“What do you mean, darling?”, he made his accent sound even posher, “I am always talking like that.”
Regulus rolled his eyes but couldn’t keep the smile off his face. “Yes of course sorry.”
He sat down at their table and James gasped behind him.
“Reg! That’s not fair. I was supposed to help you sit. Take your chair and everything. Why would you ruin this?”
Regulus laughed for real this time and he hated how good he felt. “Jesus, why are you like this, James?”
“Because that’s how you love me.” He winked and sat down too.
Everything became suddenly colder. It’s one thing to joke and it’s another one to actually hear the words fly in the air. They stuck around them and it’s like they forgot how to breathe. James looked intensely at his napkin as Regulus tried to keep his mask on. He wouldn’t let Potter ruin all his efforts, not tonight. He put his best fake smile on and pretended nothing burnt in his chest or that his eyes weren’t almost wet. Sure. He could do it.
They ordered something to eat and James made all the small talk they needed to pretend everything was fine. Regulus was just finishing his main course when James stopped his rambling about the classes, as if he ever went to lecture more than once since the beginning of the year.
"You know... I wasn't actually going to ruin Sirius' date."
Regulus’ eyebrows arched but he firmly held his fork and stood still.
"Oh yes, I know."
James had an annoying light in his eyes. The one that said he knew exactly was he was doing. The one that meant, whatever he was going to say, Regulus was screwed. The very James Potter glow he used to wear before a match back in high school, when he knew he would easily defeat the opponent team. The very gaze he had that very night he kissed him.
He took a sip of his red wine, the one Regulus obviously chose, before smiling.
"Yet you came."
Regulus knew they were playing, and he was smart enough to also know, he was losing.
"Yet I came."
James nodded, his fingers around his glass. He pretended he was looking for something to say, as if the words weren’t already written all over his face. As if, he hadn’t prepared his shot for a while.
“Why?”
There it is. The bullet.
“What do you mean?”
The last try. The armor. But James didn’t come here to play.
“Oh,” he sat up straight, in his typical confident self, “you know exactly what I mean, Regulus.”
Blood. Soldier on the ground. But Regulus was not done fighting.
“No, James, I don’t.”, he hissed, “I don’t know what you mean. I don’t know what you want. I don’t know why you wanted me to come here.”
James opened his mouth to provide him with an answer, but an elegant long hand stopped him.
“Don’t. Just listen, I think there are some things you don’t understand, Potter. You kiss me two years ago. We never mention it again. You date Lily for two years, right after that. You show up drunk in my room and start crying and telling me you’re sorry. Then, you threaten to ruin my brother’s date just so you could take me to dinner.”
He watched him a few seconds as he tried to keep his hands from shaking. He hated the feeling of his sweaty palms. That was something he was supposed to know how to deal now.
“What the hell do you want from me, James?”
And it sounded too tired not to hurt.
"Is that why you've been like this with me?”, James realized after a short silence, “Because of the kiss?"
His eyes were wide open as if some spectacular truth had just been given to him.
"I am mad for the whole thing, haven’t you listened?”
James seemed stuck on that kiss. "I didn't think you wanted to discuss it."
“Well, you never really asked if I remember correctly. And I didn’t really see myself bringing that up once you were in your happy relationship.”
“I’m sorry…”, he said. And he was.
“I know you are, James. But that doesn’t make things less painful.” His voice was bitter, and the wounds still opened.
“It meant something.”
“What?”
“The kiss.”, James took his hand, “It wasn’t just because I was drunk or because I was going to uni. It meant something deeper.”
Regulus’ throat was dry, his heart was beating too fast and his hopes were too high. At that moment, he felt like he was thirteen all over again, when he couldn’t say two words to James before stuttering.
“Did it?”, he whispered almost desperately.
“I wanted to kiss you, Reg. For so long.”, he pressed his cold hand and offered him a warm smile, “And you were right there under the stars and I had no idea when I’d see you again… Of course, the drinks helped, but I wanted to do it.”
He couldn’t believe it. Not yet. Not when he had spent years hating himself for being stupid. Not when he had spent a year avoiding his own flat because he wanted to do nothing but scream and cry at the very sight of James.
“What about Lily?”
James dropped his gaze.
“I… I guess I messed up. You were still in high school, still with your parents and I couldn’t get out of my mind so… I found a way to forget you.”
“It looks like it didn’t work well.” He sharply said and regretted immediately.
“No, it didn’t. We broke up because I didn’t love her and…”, he looked at him again, “because I was clearly too obsessed with you.”
Regulus blinked like a goldfish out of the water. James and Lily broke up because of him. James had always wanted to kiss him. James was so stupid.
He took his hand back and already missed the other’s warmth.
“I just… That’s a lot to hear right now…”
“Wait. I am not done.”
“James…”, he sighed.
But James Potter never did what you wanted him to do. So he went on.
“I want to be with you, Reg. Properly. Take you out to the fanciest restaurants and buy you the most luxurious shoes you like. Anything. I am even ready to go to the Opera with you if it pleases you!”
They both laughed with hearts in their throat. So many things were floating around them and, for once, Regulus didn’t feel like drowning. It was so nice to be able to look at James without aching. Without tears forming in his eyes or anger bubbling in his mouth. It was so nice to look at James and see love. And feel loved.
“I don’t care what it takes but I would really like to make you happy, Regulus. You deserve it. And I have been wasting too much time.”
Regulus nodded because he couldn’t quite talk without his voice trembling. James came closer to him and took his chin between his fingers, just like he did, so many years ago.
And just like he did back then, he kissed him again.
He kissed him like they were the only two clients in that restaurant. He kissed him like they were the only two people on the planet. Like he was the only thing that mattered. And, perhaps, he truly was.
*
“So Siri, how was your date?”
James stood in the kitchen, his hair as disheveled as always, but he was making pancakes for breakfast, so Regulus was willing to forgive him. Sirius yawned loudly and let himself fall on the chair in front of his brother.
“I am definitely marrying that man.”
Regulus snorted above his steaming tea. “Tell us something new, brother.”
“Aw, Padfoot, I am making you this heart shaped pancake in honour of your newfound love.” James showed them the frying pan.
“Oh wow…”, Sirius wiped fake tears, “I am so moved, Prongs, you really are the best friend anyone could ask for.”
“Come on, Pads, you deserve it!”
“Please.” Regulus sighed with a smile on his lips. “It’s way too early to deal with you two. James, just make the damn pancakes, I am starving.”
“You’re not fun in the morning, Reggie.”, Sirius pouted.
“I am never fun, brother.”
James’ ugly laugh filled their kitchen.
“The pancakes Prongs!” Sirius urged him.
“Coming, coming! Jesus you two are exhausting.”
“Funny coming from you.” Regulus stated as he was opening the newspaper.
“By the way guys!”, Sirius jumped off his chair, “how was your date?”
“Our what?!”, the newspaper was now on the floor and a flustered Regulus was picking it up.
“Your date, Reggie, did you really think I wouldn’t know?”
“Christ, James. You couldn’t stop yourself from telling him, could you?”
“Sorry, love.” He put the pancake in Sirius’ plate, “but I was too happy not to tell my best friend.”
“Well…”, he conceded, “I guess that is something I’ll need to get used to.”
“I’m afraid so.”
“So what? Are you two a couple now?” Sirius asked before taking a picture of the masterpiece on his plate.
“I guess?” James glanced anxiously at Regulus from the cooking place.
“We are.”, he smiled lovingly at his newest boyfriend.
“You deserve a special pancake too, then!” Sirius exclaimed.
“I don’t think that would be necessary, Sirius…”
“No no no!”, James interrupted him, “he is right. You deserve at least a heart, too!”
“James I-“
But it was already too late. The best friends were in action and he would have his heart pancake or nothing.
Regulus smiled with an unusual light feeling in his chest. Even though James and Sirius were throwing pastry at each other instead of cooking for him, he wasn’t even mad. Even if some of it landed in his cup of tea, he kept his smile. Because James excused himself with kisses and Sirius made disgusted noises.
Because he had waited long enough for his happiness to come.
Because he finally had it.