Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

The night Kei was born his father didn’t show up. His mother, a brave and strong woman, strapped five-year-old Akiteru into the car and drove herself to the hospital. When contractions hit she squeezed the steering wheel tight and asked Aki to tell her about his day.

At the hospital a concerned nurse was assigned with taking care of Akiteru but he slipped away without her noticing. He could hear his mother’s cries of pain and wanted to be by her side. He snuck into the birthing suite and popped up at her side. The doctor called for him to be taken out of the room but it was too late. At the tender age of five he got to witness the birth of his little brother.

Just as Aki was getting over how gross babies look when they’re born, the nurse charged with looking after him burst into the room and hustled him away. She asked him where his father was and when he would be around to take care of him, but Aki just shrugged. He had no idea where his dad was or when to expect him. He was used to this.

The nurse took a knee, looked him straight in the eye, and told him that his baby brother was just born, and it was his job as an older brother to take care of him. That Kei was not just his parents’ son but his brother.

Akiteru nodded and took her words to heart.

Their father didn’t show up for three more days and by that point baby Kei was already wrapped up and whisked home in the loving arms of his mother and brother. When he walked in the house and heard a baby crying he was stunned, like he forgot his wife was pregnant and a baby would be the result. He stood over Kei’s crib and watched him cry, not daring to pick him up.

Akiteru bounded into the nursery and almost screamed when he saw someone hovering over his baby brother. Kei was his and he was not about to let someone take him. When he noticed that it was their father, the feelings didn’t leave. He wasn’t big enough to reach into the crib and hold Kei close but he was big enough to yell out for his mother. Kei was already crying so he figured the extra noise wouldn’t be too much of a nuisance to him.

Their mother walked into the room bleary eyed but stood up ram-rod straight when she noticed her husband. Without as much as a word to her husband she picked up Kei and set up him and Aki on the rocking chair in the corner and told them to stay there. Kei calmed in his brother’s arms; their mother smiled softly at the scene before turning to her wayward husband and pulling him out of the room.

Even through the walls Akiteru could hear the muffled sounds of his parents fighting. He held Kei closer and apologized that his entrance into the world wasn't a bright one. Thinking back on the nurse’s words, he promised to keep Kei safe.

Their father was never a constant in their lives. He couldn’t be counted on to be there when he was needed or to make good on his promises. He came in and out as he pleased. Their mother, for all of her strength, let him.

When Kei was two and Akiteru was seven their father was gone for two weeks straight, it was the longest he had ever been away. At the one week mark their mother started getting nervous, calling hospitals to see if he had shown up there, but there was no trace of him. Secretly, Akiteru liked the relative quiet.

But just like he decided to walk out he decided to walk back in, smelling of liquor and cigarette smoke. Aki wondered if he even meant to come home or if he accidentally stumbled back in his drunken stupor. And their mother just sighed and took her husband to the bathroom to clean him up.

Akiteru took Kei’s hand and led him to his bedroom so they could play. To Akiteru this was the first time he ever betrayed Kei. Because he didn’t only take them to Kei’s bedroom to play, he knew his parents were going to argue and he was curious to listen in. He wanted to know if this would be the time that his mother kicked him out of the house for good. Aki doesn’t know if Kei remembers the conversation they overheard since he was still so young when it happened, but it still weighed heavily on him.

“Don’t you think there is something wrong with him?” his father sounded clearer than he expected considering his drunken stumbling not minutes before.

Their mother let out an offended scoff, “Don’t you dare imply you left because of Kei.”

Kei, who had been innocently playing with blocks, froze at the sound of his name. Aki wondered if he should take them to a different part of the house, but he still wanted to know.”

“He doesn’t talk!” his father complained, “Two-year-olds should talk. Akiteru talked by that age.”

It was true. Kei barely spoke, he could go a few days without verbally asking for something. Instead he relied on gestures, routine, and his big brother to figure out what he wanted. He could speak, he had conversations with his mother and brother before, but most of the time he didn’t. Akiteru would fill the room with chatter and Kei would just observe.

“He’s capable of talking, just because you haven’t heard him doesn’t mean he doesn’t do it. But he doesn’t have a lot to say. The doctor said--” she was cut off before she could finish her explanation.

“The doctor? You took him to the doctor for his? Why couldn’t I have another normal son.”

But his mother was strong and pushed on, “The doctor said it was perfectly normal and he’ll speak when he’s ready.”

Akiteru looked back at Kei who was staring hard at his blocks but still not moving. It was his fault that Kei heard all of that, he failed at his job to protect him. Aki opened his mouth to say something but he didn’t know what he could say to make the situation better. Instead he sat next to his baby brother and began building something with the blocks. Kei soon began helping.

Aki promised that next time he would do better.

There were a lot of next times.

There are children on the small playground around the corner from their house who don’t understand why Kei won’t talk or play with them. He tried to explain to them that Kei perfectly understood them but didn’t know what to say back. Some children decided that Kei was mean and Aki felt like he failed again.

When he was a little bit older there were his own friends who sometimes came around after school and complained that his weird little brother wanted to spend time with him. Akiteru fought anyone who called Kei weird and he truly believed that getting in trouble for it was worth it. He was protecting his baby brother after all.

There was always their father who unpredictably came in and out of their lives on seemingly a random schedule. He always had some criticism; at one point he complained that Kei slouched his shoulders too much, then months later complained that his posture was too stiff and straight. There was never any winning with him, and after a while he gave up trying.

When Kei was five he started school. Their mother laughed that out of the three of them Akiteru seemed the most nervous.

Aki walked Kei to school in the morning and picked him up when it was done. He tried to ask Kei about his day but he shrugged and didn’t say anything. It was difficult to tell how he was doing, even at such a young age Kei was great at holding his emotions in.

Weeks later on their walk home Akiteru asked him if he had any friends in his class. Kei stopped short and looked at the sky, like the question required some deep philosophical thinking. Aki watched him for a few minutes before he shook his shoulder, startling him from his reverie. Kei looked at him confused. He didn’t seem to remember why they stopped. Akiteru didn’t know what happened but he somehow felt like he failed.

When Akiteru was eleven he started playing volleyball. In the beginning he was terrible at it, he didn’t like receiving and found serving difficult but he kept trying. He kept trying because he wanted to get better and because when he came home at the end of practice Kei was waiting to hear all about it. The more Aki played the more Kei talked to him.

It was mainly about the sport and the rules, but when Kei started asking about it, Aki didn’t want him to stop. He tried to talk about his friends on the team but Kei always seemed to shut down when the conversation went there, so he stopped.

Volleyball, though, was a major win.

In that same year Akiteru won a small plush dinosaur from a claw machine. He gave it to Kei because he was too old for such things, and it was especially worth it to see Kei’s eyes sparkle with delight. Kei demanded to know what kind of dinosaur it was but Aki didn’t know. It was just a toy, it could be a fake dinosaur for all he knew.

But Aki found his mother and told her that Kei seemed interested in the dinosaur. She knelt by Kei and asked if he wanted to learn more about them. He nodded.

Kei devoured the dinosaur books his mother gave him, soaking up all the information he could and regurgitating it all over dinner. They didn’t care about dinosaurs but they were happy to hear him talk with such passion.

When Kei was eight his father came home and said he was leaving for good. They all sighed in relief.

Kei was ten when he accidentally made his first friend. He scowled at some bullies and called them pathetic and the boy they were picking on looked up at him like he was wonderful. Kei didn’t stick around to see if the bullies would actually stop but the boy didn’t seem to care.

Days later they ran into each other again at the entrance to the volleyball courts. The boy, Yamaguchi Tadashi he would learn, asked him about volleyball and when Kei opened his mouth, words came tumbling out. Kei surprised himself by talking, but volleyball was safe. He knew enough about it that he couldn’t mess up by talking about it. Yamaguchi looked at him oddly, he couldn’t place why Kei looked so surprised, but he didn’t question anything.

The first time Kei brought Yamaguchi around to his house, Akiteru cried. Actual tears rolled down his cheeks and Kei turned red with embarrassment. But Akiteru caught Kei clenching and unclenching his fists and pulled himself together before Kei kicked his friend out of the house or shut down.

Yamaguchi didn’t ask about the over emotional display but Kei offered him a small ‘sorry my brother is weird,’ and that was enough.

Yamaguchi watched Kei at school after they became friends. A few people had stopped and asked him how he could be friends with someone like Kei but he didn’t understand the question. Kei was smart and cool and stood up for him.

But as he watched he noticed that Kei didn’t interact with a lot of people. He spoke quietly to the teacher and answered questions when he was asked, but never raised his hand to offer his own opinions. Just as Kei avoided the other children, the other children avoided him. They thought that he was weird, he was too quiet and never seemed to relax.

They weren’t wrong but Yamaguchi didn’t know why that was such a bad thing. Kei never purposefully came off as mean, but they took his standoffish attitude as malice or arrogance. Yamaguchi saw a fellow awkward kid.

Yamaguchi made friends easily once he overcame his intense shyness, and he used that super power to get Kei to talk to more people. It turned out that Kei could be witty and sarcastic, and when misunderstood he often did sound mean, but Yamaguchi found him funny and the other children were getting used to having him around.

Eventually Kei found himself eating lunch with three people instead of by himself. He really wished that the two people Yamaguchi brought with him would leave but he didn’t want to risk losing his only friend so he put up with the noise.

“Hey, Yama,” Shiro piped up one day, “do you have a crush on anyone?”

Yamaguchi turned bright red and shook his head, “No!” he said a little bit too loudly, “I mean, girls are cute but I don’t like any of them. I mean, I like them as friends. You. Do you like anyone?”

Shiro and Takao laughed as Yamaguchi tripped over his words and waved his hands around. Kei didn’t like that they were laughing at his friend but he also didn’t understand what they were talking about.

“Arisu in class two is so pretty,” Shiro sighed.

Takao made a face, “You have bad taste, Kazumi is obviously better,” he turned to Kei with a questioning look, “What about you, Tsukishima? Is there anyone you like?”

Tsukishima scrunched up his nose. He didn’t understand the question. The only people he really liked were Yamaguchi and Akiteru but he didn’t think they were pretty. He shook his head no, it seemed like the safer answer.

“Aw, c’mon,” Shiro goaded, “there’s no girl you think about?” He wiggled his eyebrows like he was implying something but Kei still didn’t get it.

“No?” he said quietly, his voice lilting at the end turning it into a question, “Should I?”

The three of them nodded at him in unison and began to explain that girls were pretty and soft and smelled good but Kei didn’t know why that meant he should like them. He looked around the room at the girls in his class, none of them made him feel anything.

Lunch ended and he was saved from more questioning.

That night he waited for Akiteru to come home from volleyball practice at Karasuno. Aki greeted him with a smile like he always did and they talked about his practice. But Aki was a master at reading his brother, he could tell by the way he clenched and unclenched his fists that something was bothering him.

In the backyard they passed a volleyball back and forth, “Is there something else you want to ask me?” Aki asked after Kei didn’t speak up.

Kei dropped his hands and the ball flew by him, “Do you like girls?” he blurted out.

“Of course I do,” Akiteru went to retrieve the ball even though it was closer to Kei, “Why are you asking?”

“What does that mean?” he demanded.

The ball slipped from Aki’s fingers when he tried to pick it up, “Um… it means I find them attractive and if I really like them I want to kiss them. It’s different from being friends, you can feel it in your heart.”

Kei frowned and covered his heart with his hand. He was barely understanding friendship and now there was something different than that he was supposed to understand too. “Am I supposed to like them?”

“Well…. Yeah,” Aki offered, “but it’s fine if you don’t right now. It’s a puberty thing.”

Kei’s frown deepened. Others in his class were talking about liking girls, and he didn’t feel like he was behind on puberty. He was the tallest person in his grade, at least.

“Am I weird?”

He looked up at Aki with such honest eyes that he couldn’t help but grab his baby brother and pull him into a hug. Kei tensed at the unexpected contact but calmed under his brother’s touch. “You’re perfectly normal.”

When Kei was thirteen his world fell apart.

He went to his brother’s game hoping to see his idol in action. But when he found him in the stands Kei felt like his world stopped. He was with it enough to turn around and leave but as soon as he left the gymnasium he froze.

Yamaguchi waited next to him, assuming that Kei was processing his feelings and needed a moment, but as time went on he got nervous. His first reaction would have been to get Aki but he was worried that would make it worse. Instead he took Kei’s elbow and led him. Kei willingly followed but he didn’t respond to being spoken to.

Yamaguchi led them to his house. He handed Kei a cup of water and he brought it to his lips mechanically, but after a few sips he seemed to shake whatever was wrong.

Kei looked around, “How did I get here?” he asked in such a quiet voice Yamaguchi was afraid he was going to cry.

“I, um, led you here after you spaced out,” Yamaguchi rubbed the back of his head nervously.

“Oh,” Kei’s cheeks turned pink, “you saw that. I dissociated.”

“I don’t know what that means.”

Kei’s cheeks burned hotter, “it’s like I space out and I’m not here anymore. It only happens sometimes. Sorry, I’m weird.”

Yamaguchi shook his head, “It’s not weird! It’s fine!” He tried to reassure his friend but Kei didn’t believe him.

Kei spent the night at Yamaguchi’s house. Yamaguchi treated him a bit more delicately, he was afraid Kei was going to do that thing again, but as the hours went on he got back to normal. Kei was relieved, he didn’t want to be too weird to have friends.

When he returned home he stood outside Aki’s door and saw him crying. Akiteru always cried easily. Kei debated talking to him but he felt anger and disappointment bubble in his chest. He walked away instead.

He had firmly believed that Akiteru was the ace of Karasuno and he never questioned why he wasn’t allowed to go to any of his games. It was stupid, he thought, he was smarter than that. He should have suspected that something was off. Aki loved showing off, he especially loved showing off to Kei. In hindsight he should have known that he was lying.

When Kei was fourteen he didn’t care if people didn’t like him. It was easier when they kept their distance, and by now most did, but occasionally someone would try and talk to him and he would have to brush them off. Akiteru once told him that people leave you alone if you have headphones on, so Kei took to carrying around headphones wherever he went just in case he needed to block anyone out. He didn’t expect that he would always want to block everyone out. People, he found out, were a lot of work, and he didn’t want to put in the work of maintaining those relationships.

What was the point? Every relationship he saw or had fell apart. His brother had fallen from grace. His father had left. His mother had withdrawn. If people were always going to hurt him, why would he put himself out there to get hurt? He wasn’t an idiot, he knew how to protect himself.

But maybe that’s why he was lonely. As the other middle school students loudly talked with their group of friends about what high schools they were applying to, Kei sat by himself. Sure, he had Yamaguchi, his one and only friend, but he wasn’t in his class this year. So while other children mulled around and laughed and joked with their friends, Kei sat at his desk with his headphones placed firmly on his ears, dulling the sounds even if no music was being piped in.

It wasn’t always easy being by himself, even if he decided that was what was best. Other children looked like they were having fun. He was jealous that they could be so carefree, that they could be so unafraid of getting hurt. But they were so naive. He was so much safer.

He didn’t care if they thought he was weird.

Again, like the last few days, the conversation in the classroom turned to what high school everyone wanted to go to. Groups of friends wanted to stay together but they had different goals and opinions on what to focus on. Kei only half listened to them debate among themselves. Until, that is, Karasuno was brought into the mix.

One of his classmates also had a brother on the Karasuno volleyball club when Akiteru was playing, although playing was a strong word. He tried to ignore the eyes he felt on him, like they were worried he was going to explode at the name. He was beyond that. Akiteru was at college now, they hadn’t spoken in a long time, and Kei had a lid on his emotions.

Which was why shoved to the bottom of his bag was the worksheet where they were supposed to fill in their top three high school picks. It was the only assignment of the year that Kei didn’t turn in. But still, in the number one slot was Karasuno, in handwriting so messy it was hard to recognize as his own. Yes, he had a lid on his emotions.

Emotions were dumb.

He liked it better before he read up on feelings and he didn’t understand anything. (The self-help books were shoved under his bed where no one would find them.) He found out that he might be very emotional, even if he was bad at showing it, but he didn’t like that, feelings only ever got hurt.

Because of those stupid books, when Kei found himself looking at one of his classmates during gym class, he understood it as attraction.

What he didn’t understand was why he was looking at a male classmate. Over the years he had listened to his classmates talk about girls, he listened to Yamaguchi groan about how hard it was to talk to them, but he never understood. He nodded and played along but girls never clicked in his brain like math or English did.

No matter how many times he tried to look away his eyes always wandered back. He didn’t want to get in trouble for staring. It was easier when he tried to focus on the game they were playing, but in the brief moments he had free time, his eyes strayed.

Boys, it turns out, can be pretty too. And maybe that was it, he thought, some boys can be so pretty that you’re tricked into thinking they were girls. He knew that any day now he would look at a girl and feel his heart beat harder. But for now… for now he could pretend that nothing was there.

He shoved his feelings down, he was weird enough already.

On the walk home from school he drafted a text to Akiteru asking if it was okay to like boys. But he deleted the message before he could send it.

When he took his first step into Karasuno as an official student, Kei considered turning around and going back home. His bed would welcome him and not judge him for his actions or mistakes or misdeeds. His bed was safe.

As if reading his thoughts, Yamaguchi appeared and put his hand on his bag to prevent him from bolting. He wouldn’t have done anything as uncool or attention grabbing as turning and running, but he would have done a discrete about-face and casually returned the way he came.

“I was going to say people look a lot bigger in high school but I guess that’s not true,” Yamaguchi grinned up at him.

A lot of the other students looked more mature than him even if they only had a year or two on him but he towered over many of the students, especially the girls. Some of them even pointed and whispered as he walked by and it made his desire to shrink back into bed increase tenfold. Maybe it was egotistical to think that they were talking about him, but if they weren’t part of certain sports circles, it was possible he was the tallest high school student they had ever seen.

He didn’t want the attention.

“Hey you!” Kei heard someone yell from so far away he didn’t even stop to consider they could possibly be talking to him until they ran up to him and placed a heavy hand on his shoulder. “Have you considered joining the basketball club?”

Another student chased after him, “Leave him alone! You can’t harass every tall person you see! He’ll join if he…” but when he finally caught up to them he stopped and looked up at Kei and immediately lost his train of thought.

“I know!” The first guy exclaimed, “but we could really use a guy this tall, even if you don’t know the rules we could teach you.”

Kei picked up the other student’s hand with two fingers and dropped it so he was no longer touching him. He didn’t need this, he didn’t want these people to pay attention to him. He looked back at the entrance gate but Yamaguchi discreetly kicked his shoe.

“Tsukki plays volleyball,” he supplied helpfully from his side. Kei glared at him, he didn’t want to prolong this conversation.

“Volleyball,” he practically whined, “But our team isn’t even any good anymore!”

Kei had finally had enough of this stupid encounter. He wanted to find his classroom and sit down and get the rest of the day over with so he could finally go home. He walked straight through the basketball players, shoulder checking them as he did so. “I’m still not going to join your team.”

High school was already exhausting.

Kei stared down at the blank club form. His first instinct was, of course, to write down the volleyball club. That’s why he came to this school, to follow in his brother’s footsteps. Sort of. To do better than his brother sounded too egotistical. Redeem him, maybe? Truth be told, he didn’t know why he was there.

The blank form taunted him, maybe he could just shove it to the bottom of his bag and forget about it. He didn’t need to join a club. He could join the math club instead.

“History club?” he heard Yamaguchi mumble from a few seats down, “I’m terrible at history. I hate history. Why did I write down the history club?”

Kei watched as he furiously erased what could have been a terrible mistake. He’d probably hate the math club too, no matter how good he was at it. Math made sense, it was easy, there was always a way to get to the solution. The numbers would never run and hide or betray him. Maybe they would turn into letters but those were just as easy to understand. Math had solutions. People were so complicated.

He wrote down ‘volleyball club’ before he could regret anything.

“C’mon, Yamaguchi, I want to hand this in before the first bell.”

Yamaguchi stood up so quickly he knocked over his chair, “What club are you joining?” he asked anxiously as he trotted besides his best friend. Kei flashed him the paper, not able to say the words out loud, afraid of jinxing it or immediately taking it back. Yamaguchi smiled up at him, “Me too. I look forward to being your teammate again.”

Kei nodded at him at once and focused his attention forward. The sooner they could drop off the forms the sooner he could pretend he did so with complete confidence.

After class Kei wanted to slip on his headphones and walk home like he had the first few days, but Yamaguchi was adamant that they at least make an appearance at the gym even though club activities hadn’t officially started yet. He had heard that they were unofficially practicing and wanted to see. Kei knew that his friend was too shy to go on his own so he went along, but he dragged his feet all the while. There was no reason to practice outside of scheduled practice time, or else what was the point of scheduling time at all.

The members of the Karasuno volleyball club stared at them when they entered. It was uncomfortable and made him want to shrivel up and hide in his sweater. Yamaguchi didn’t seem to notice the attention but Kei could feel all of their eyes analyzing them. He wondered if they saw him as anything other than ‘tall’. He wondered, if he was in their position, if he would see himself as anything other than tall.

The captain and vice-captain were the first to approach them, there was no coach or faculty advisor present so they held the most seniority in the room. Daichi and Suga introduced themselves warmly, immediately putting Yamaguchi at ease, but Kei was still stiff. Suga slapped him on the back as a greeting and Kei almost fell over, he wasn’t ready for the contact or the force. Suga packed a surprising punch.

Daichi seemed unusually relieved that the two of them were friends and former teammates and therefore knew how to play together but when he gave them a quick rundown about what happened with the other first year applicants it all clicked into place. Yamaguchi couldn’t help but snicker, but Kei locked onto the name Kageyama.

He had seen Kageyama play in their last middle school tournament, in fact Kageyama’s team had beaten them and sent them home. Kei didn’t think the King of the Court would be at the same school as him. He quickly glanced around the gym and counted the number of players already training. If Karasuno had someone like the King on their side, no matter how terrible his reign, what were the chances he suffered the same fate as Akiteru?

“Let’s go, Yamaguchi,” Kei turned around and headed for the gym door.

Yamaguchi floundered as he looked back and forth between Kei and the captain, “But… but… don’t you want to stay and practice for a bit?”

Kei looked over his shoulder and frowned, “I agreed to make an appearance before official practices started, I didn’t agree to that.”

“Oh,” he deflated, “Okay.”

Yamaguchi waved to Daichi and Suga and loyally followed his friend out. They almost missed the quiet comment about his bad attitude. Almost. But Kei didn’t care, they could think he was a terrible person if they wanted, he just needed to get home.

Home was quiet until he got to his room and put on one of his playlists. It was early enough in the school year that he could complete most of his homework during their lunch break so now that he was home he wasn’t sure what he was supposed to do. He had the house to himself for at least another few hours, his mother had picked up a job and was staying there later and later recently. He couldn’t remember the last time he saw her besides a quick goodbye in the morning.

The volleyball on his desk taunted him.

He hated the thing. It used to be Akiteru’s; He couldn’t bring himself to get rid of it. The ball was filled with backyard memories but they were all overshadowed and replaced with betrayal. A thin layer of dust had set over the volleyball, it had been a while since he last touched the thing, and he figured it would be a while before he touched it again. It’s not like he was worried about keeping it pristine.

An uneasiness ran through his body, like a sudden jolt of energy that he couldn’t shake, and against his better judgement he changed out of his school uniform and into clothes better suited for running. By the time he was at his front door slipping his shoes back on he wondered if this was a stupid idea but he could still feel that vibration under his skin and he needed to get it out.

He locked up behind himself, not bothering to leave a note or send a message about where he was going, figuring he was going to be back before his mother got home anyway, and ran. He regretted it almost immediately.

Kei hated running. There was a difference between running up and down the court after a ball with the singular focus of not letting it drop and running on the side of the road. Running on the side of the road was boring and even with headphones there was a distinct lack of stimulus. But he could still feel the static telling him he needed to keep moving, even if his legs and head and heart didn’t want to. So he kept going.

Eventually he ended up by a park between his house and the high school. There was a small track there and he could run loops until he tired himself out without having to worry about watching for traffic or tripping over uneven pavement. At this time of night the park would be empty except for other stray joggers trying to get in their workouts, but besides that he knew he would be left alone. It would be peaceful.

“One more!” a voice echoed in the distance.

Kei looked around as he jogged into the park, or maybe it wouldn’t be peaceful. He really hoped that whoever was yelling would keep it down or that they weren’t close to the track.

“You idiot! Look what you did!” another voice joined in.

He sighed, great, there were two of them.

Kei rounded the corner and wondered if it was still worth going to the track. Then, in the distance, he saw a shadowy figure launch himself into the air to try and reach something stuck in a tree.

They looked like they were flying.

Kei felt his heart clench in his chest but he didn’t know why. He turned around and went home.

Yamaguchi dragged him back to the gym again in the morning. Daichi and Suga were visibly surprised to see him but he didn’t blame them, he was equally as surprised to be there.

“Good, you’re back,” Daichi greeted them, “You ran out before I could explain one last thing.”

“Sorry,” Yamaguchi mumbled as he rubbed the back of his head. Kei didn’t say anything, simply waited to hear what he had missed the first time around.

“Right, we’re going to have a 3-on-3 match with all of the first years to evaluate your skills.”

Kei looked around, “There are only four first-years,” he cut in.

Daichi nodded, “Correct. You two will be on a team with me and the other two will be on a team with Tanaka,” he pointed to a very tired looking second-year, “the game will be this weekend. Any questions?”

Kei shook his head no. He could see the fire in Yamaguchi’s eyes, like he had something to prove to this captain that they didn’t know. Pathetic. He had done his research and found out that the team’s numbers were small, not even enough people for a full bench of players. If this was an audition they didn’t have to try very hard, they simply needed the bodies.

After school he refused to stop by the gym. Official practice hadn’t started yet and he wasn’t going to go if he didn’t need to be there. He didn’t actually say that Yamaguchi couldn’t join their teammates but in the end his friend decided to walk home with him.

But first they made a detour through the park. Kei didn’t mean to go there and Yamaguchi simply trailed after him, curious of where they were going. It wasn’t until they heard the familiar sound of a volleyball hitting skin did he realize that they were off track. It was the same park that he ran to the night before and he mentally cursed himself for not paying attention to where his feet were taking him.

Just like last night there were two people yelling at each other.

When he finally saw them, Kageyama was instantly recognizable. Kei glanced at the other boy, small and brightly colored, and decided to pay him no mind. He was hard to look at, and whoever he happened to be was insignificant compared to the King-- just like the rest of them.

Kei went out of his way to taunt Kageyama, to get under his skin. It was surprisingly easy to make him bluster and tick, it almost wasn’t fun. Kageyama wasn’t as pretentious as Kei thought he would be-- for all the yelling he did he was almost reserved. He remembered what happened during his last match but he didn’t think that Kageyama would actually learn something from it.

But Kei didn’t let that stop him. He tossed their ball up in the air and caught it easily. He repeated the motion while he ran his mouth and Kageyama turned red in the face at his taunting. He wasn’t here to make friends, he didn’t want to be part of a team. He didn’t know what he wanted but whatever he was doing right here was making him feel... something, and that was good enough for now.

And then the other boy, Hinata Shoyou-- he would later loudly declare himself, jumped in front of him for the first time and snatched the ball from above his head.

Kei paused mid-word. In all his years of watching volleyball he rarely saw other people jump like that, and never from up close. It would be stupid to say it took his breath away, because it was just a jump and Kei who was so much taller could reach so much higher, but it managed to steal the air from his lungs. He felt the same tightening in his chest as last night.

“I’m here too!” Hinata yelled at everyone and no one, frustrated that he was being ignored.

Kei looked at him, really looked at him, for the first time and Hinata withered under his intense gaze. He wanted to be acknowledged but he didn’t know how to take such a look. All Kei could see was short and bright and intense. It was already getting dark out and under the light of the streetlamp he glowed. He was hard to look at but Kei found himself staring.

Maybe it was the comparison to the Little Giant and how he had more competition for a starting spot on a team he still wasn’t sure he wanted to be on, or maybe it was because he found himself thinking about and comparing himself to his brother way too much today. But maybe it was something else entirely. He didn’t want to think about it.

Hinata dropped the ball and put up his fists like he was getting ready for a fight, “Do you wanna go?” he asked, bouncing from foot to foot, obviously nervous.

Kei sneered at him, “C’mon Yamaguchi, this shrimp isn’t worth our time.”

Yamaguchi quickly looked between Kageyama, Hinata, and Kei a few times before shrugging and joining his friend again, “Okay, Tsukki.” He wasn’t sure what exactly his friend was thinking or what went down, but that often came with the territory of having a closed off best friend. He’d find out eventually.

Kei decided he hated Hinata. He was loud, all he did was shout about one thing or another like he had never heard of the phrase inside voice. He could almost believe that no one had ever told him to be quiet before, or to think before he spoke, because it seemed like every little thought that came to his mind had to come out of his mouth. It was infuriating.

Hinata yelled about how he was going to be the ace and how they shouldn’t just pay attention to Kageyama. “I’m here too!” he yelled again, just like back at the park. But the thing was, he didn’t have the skill to back up his big words and larger than life bravado. On his first spike attempt Kei easily blocked him. He barely needed to try. Kei’s height was always going to win out over Hinata’s willpower, or whatever it was that he had.

While Hinata, Kageyama, and Tanaka took a moment to have a team meeting (read: yell at each other some more), Kei took the time to finally look harder at Hinata, there was something about him that Kei fundamentally didn’t understand.

Was it his drive? There was no reason for Hinata to be playing volleyball. He was short, he had terrible form, from the few volleys they had Kei could already tell that he had no game sense. He overheard that Hinata didn’t play at all in middle school, was he simply upset that he didn’t get a chance to play with children his own size?

Was it his passion? Because a passion burned behind Hinata’s eyes that hurt Kei to think about. He tried so hard and he wasn’t going to get anywhere when there were people like Kei who could roll up practically twice his height and shut him down without trying that hard. His passion would be crushed under large volleyball shoes and then what would he do? He didn’t seem like someone who would have a backup plan. Hinata would simply collapse under his own hubris. His fighting spirit was overwhelming.

Was it his ability to keep getting back up? His ‘I’m here too’ still rang in Kei’s ears. His refusal to go unnoticed still burned his skin. Why would he bother getting up again and again if he was just going to get knocked down over and over. If he had any intelligence he would eventually stay down, right? He must be an idiot. He looked like an idiot.

Was it that Kei didn’t know him at all and he could feel that itch under his skin again?

The idiot trio stopped yelling at each other and turned their attention to their actual opponents. Kei could feel Hinata’s sharp eyes looking at him, he would almost believe that Hinata was analyzing him but he hadn’t proved to be that smart. It still unnerved him.

Kei managed to block him multiple times. The sting on his hands that usually felt so good didn’t hold the same satisfaction. But that didn’t stop him from smirking at his small opponent and riling him up. Hinata rose to the bait and yelled more about he was going to win with his own body.

And then Hinata got a spike past him. Not just any spike, an amazing spike.

His head spun as he tried to add in this new information. He already knew that he had a well above average jumping ability but the ability to pull something like this off as well was something else entirely. Kei stared at him. Just who was he?

Against all odds he lost the match. The captain even told him that he took the game seriously. Kei wanted to scoff be he held it in by taking a large gulp of water. He could feel Yamaguchi’s eyes on him, like he was working up the courage to ask something he didn’t think he should. Kei didn’t know what it was but he wished he wouldn’t ask.

Hinata marched up to him and held out his hand.

“What’s this?” Kei asked condescendingly.

“We’re supposed to shake hands before and after a match,” Hinata held out his hand more forcefully.

Kei looked down at him, “No, thanks.”

Hinata growled at him, actually growled at him, “We need to or else the captain will kick us out for not showing teamwork!”

“No,” he sighed, “you just didn’t listen to him.”

He thought that was going to be the end of that but Hinata tackled him to try and grab his hand. Kei jumped back, completely taken aback at his brazenness. Hinata grabbed and pulled at his shirt and arm to try and get at his hand. Kei fought to keep his hand away but Hinata tried to climb up his side which made Kei’s skin crawl and in his hesitation Hinata managed to shake his hand.

Yamaguchi snickered behind him but when he noticed Kei’s face he quickly apologized.

“Tsukki…” Yamaguchi asked hesitantly, “are you okay?”

He grit his teeth, “I’m fine.”

“Are you sure? You seem…” he trailed off.

“I’m fine,” he shot back more sharply.

Yamaguchi didn’t seem convinced.

Weeks ago Kei noticed some of the upperclassmen sneaking away to the roof. Students weren’t supposed to be up there, it was a safety hazard according to the teachers, but if they jammed the door in a specific way then it would open without any problems letting them have that extra little breath of freedom.

The roof had a fence around the perimeter so it wasn’t too unsafe but it was rocky and dirty. He could understand why they wouldn’t want students up there-- and the stray cigarette buts and discarded condoms told him exactly why the students wanted to come up there-- but Kei wanted to get away for a moment of peace.

In the last week or so girls had started to notice him. One had approached him in the hallway with a blush high on her cheeks and attempted to talk to him, not confess feelings, just talk to him, and she stuttered so hard he felt bad for her. She was in his class so he knew that she was smart, there was no reason for her to become a mess around him. Unfortunately she broke the dam. After one girl noticed her attempt to get close to him others tried the same. Now people were trying to talk to him.

Yamaguchi, the traitor, thought it was hilarious that the girls were so caught up in their fantasy of him that they couldn’t see he wanted nothing to do with him. (Although in private he admitted to being a bit jealous at all of the female attention he was receiving. Kei told him that he could have it.) Continuing his trend as a traitor, Yamaguchi couldn’t just laugh at him like a normal friend, no, he had to egg the girls on.

“What’s your favorite food?” one of the girls asked him the other day, he couldn’t even remember which, they all blurred together.

“Yeah, Tsukki,” Yamaguchi cooed, “Do you like sweets?”

Kei couldn’t remember the last time he glared at his friend so much. He deserved it though.

So the roof was a refuge. He slipped away before even Yamaguchi could ask where he was going because he wouldn’t put it past his so called friend to bring a gaggle of girls with him for his amusement. He took way too much joy in watching his best friend be tortured.

The weather hadn’t been great lately and Kei hadn’t noticed any one take the familiar path up to the roof over the last few days, seemingly turned off by the damp and dreary weather, but that was only a plus in his book. The less people there the better.

Kei pushed the door open and hurriedly closed it behind him lest he be caught and cornered for the entirety of his lunch period. He didn’t even bring any food up with him, and he would most likely pay for that during volleyball practice when fatigue hits extra early, but at that moment he couldn’t bring himself to care.

He slumped against the door and let out a loud sigh.

“Rough morning?”

If he wasn’t leaning against the door Kei would have toppled over backwards at the intrusion. Instead he mentally cursed at himself for not checking to see if anyone else was on the roof, he assumed it was empty but he knew better than to assume anything.

He looked across the roof and met Hinata’s curious gaze. Kei groaned, of course he would run into Hinata when he was looking for some peace and quiet.

“What are you doing up here?” he asked instead of explaining he was hiding from half of his class.

Hinata held up the paper in his hand, “I got a 2 on my last math quiz. I don’t know how I’m going to tell my mom! Math is so hard!” He began to pace back and forth while scrutinizing the failed quiz.

Kei plucked the paper from his hand and quickly scanned it, “You failed this? This is basic math.” He knew that Hinata was an idiot but he didn’t think that he was that dumb. He didn’t think that anyone in high school could possibly be that dumb. “Is anything in your head besides volleyball?”

He tried to grab the paper back but Kei pulled it out of his reach, “Give that back! Shut up Meanie-shima. If you’re so smart show me how to do it!”

“What did you call me?” Did Hinata just give him a nickname?

“Meanie-shima, Meanie-shima,” he chanted, “please show me how to do this!”

Kei laughed, “You’re calling me mean and asking for help in the same breath? You really are an idiot.” He looked at the quiz again, “Didn’t you learn this like two years ago?”

Hinata scrunched up his nose and made a face at him, it was almost cute but Kei sharply looked away before he could finish that thought, “Maybe! But I don’t remember.”

He was about to make a dumb decision, he knew it. “Fine, I’ll show you how to do elementary school level math but you’re going to owe me a favor.”

“Fine!” Hinata put out his hand to shake on it but Kei ignored it in favor of finding a not disgusting place to sit. Hinata rolled his eyes at his refusal to shake hands again but sat down next to him.

When Hinata sat next to him, or more likely, threw himself next to him-- the boy did not go down gently-- Kei tensed up. Hinata pressed completely against Kei’s side so he could peer at the paper in his hands. His expression was almost as intense as it usually was on the court, he was concentrating hard on fixing this quiz. He either actually cared about his grades or worried about the wrath of his mother, Kei was willing to bet it was that second one.

Kei tried to calmly explain where he went wrong on the math problems but Hinata did not seem to understand the concept of personal space.

Maybe dealing with the girls would have been easier.

On rainy afternoons Kei had to drag himself to the club room to get changed. When the weather was bad he didn’t want to practice, he wanted to curl up under some blankets at home with a book until he fell asleep, lulled by the pitter-patter of raindrops and the cadence of the words. But instead he was trapped in a smelly room with a handful of smelly teenagers being forced to hit a ball over and over again.

Sometimes he considered quitting, yet every day he ended up back in the club room, rain or shine.

He stood blankly in front of one of the lockers. After he had officially joined the team they put a piece of masking tape on the door and wrote his name on it making it officially his. He wondered if his brother ever had his own locker. By now the others were most of the way through changing but Kei still hadn’t opened the door to retrieve his work out clothes. Any minute now he would do that, but the rain sounded so nice.

Yamaguchi nudged him, he knew how his friend could get. Kei looked over at him with tired eyes that clearly asked ‘do I have to?” but Yamaguchi smirked at him and nodded. Jerk.

Kei opened the door and rifled through the bag inside to find the clothes he needed to change into. His shirt was barely over his head when he felt a hand on his side.

“Wow, what are those?”

Kei tossed off his shirt and glared at Hinata who pulled his hand back like he had been burned. He knew the feeling, Kei could still feel the imprint of his hand on his side as well as the burning of his cheeks. Hinata had touched some of the worst of the stretch marks on his sides, reminders of how quickly he had grown and how little his body was prepared for it.

“Did something happen?” Hinata looked up at him with dumb and innocent eyes. He honestly didn’t know what they were and he genuinely seemed concerned for Kei’s health.

He stood frozen, unable to react. Luckily Yamaguchi stepped in and pulled Hinata a step away, “They’re stretch marks,” he explained quietly, “sometimes when your body grows too quickly your skin can’t keep up.”

“Nothing you’ll ever have to worry about,” Kei shot over his shoulder to try and break the tension. But as they made eye contact he could pinpoint the exact moment Hinata noticed he also had deep marks on his shoulders. He quickly put his shirt back on.

Hinata frowned at him, “I can still grow,” he paused like he was considering not asking his next question but then charged ahead because of who he was as a person, “Do they hurt?”

“Growing hurts,” he roughly undid his belt and tried not to show any hesitation, he had marks on his thighs as well and he didn’t want Hinata examining them, “these don’t hurt. They don’t look nice but they don’t hurt. Now leave me alone so I can get changed.”

He hesitantly reached out his hand like he was going to touch them again but pulled back at the last second. Hinata smiled up at him but it wasn’t his full force grin, there was something else behind it, “I think they look cool,” he said with a slight waver to his voice. But at least after that he turned to leave.

“That doesn’t make me feel better,” Kei called after him.

His laugh, at least, was true.

They had a practice match with Aoba Josai, one of the top schools in the prefecture. Kei wasn’t as excited as everyone else. Seijou was a top school, Karasuno was nothing, they were sure to lose. No one should be so happy marching towards defeat. When Hinata got sick on the bus, all Kei could think was ‘he’s got the right idea.’

So he didn’t know why it bothered him so much to hear some players from Seijou badmouth Karasuno. They were past their prime, they were fallen champions. But the only thing worse than knowing something is true is having someone rub it in your face. When Tanaka tried to intimidate them, it was easy to stand behind him menacingly to add to his dangerous aura. It was almost fun. When they lost, he could at least look back at that moment and decide the trip was worth it.

During the first set, they were terrible. They couldn’t function as a team and it was laughable to match them up against someone like Seijou. When Hinata served the ball into the back of Kageyama’s head, Kei couldn’t help but burst out laughing, it was one of the greatest things he had ever seen. He filed that under ‘worth the trip’ as well.

They seem to get their act together and keep it together just in time for Oikawa to take to the court.

Oikawa targeted Kei. He targeted him again and again and he can’t manage to receive the ball. Kei took deep breaths as he tried to calm himself. He could see black tinge the corners of his vision as he grew more and more embarrassed. He chanted ‘breathe’ in his head, just because he didn’t want to be there didn’t mean he could check out right now.

The ball was returned to Oikawa and Kei quickly rubbed his eyes, he was going to stay, he was determined.

A whistle blew and the game was over. Kei missed how their last point was scored but his body seemed to move on its own and work with the team so he hoped nobody noticed anything wrong with him.

Everyone was happy and cheering about their victory over Seijou but Kei clenched his jaw and tried to shake off the residual embarrassment of being targeted. He didn’t want to play Seijou again. He ran through ways he could practice receiving.

He wished he could call Akiteru.

Yamaguchi sat next to him on the bus ride home and under the rumbling of the bus engine murmured, “Are you okay?”

Kei stiffened next to him. He recognized the tone of voice from when Yamaguchi saw him dissociate years ago. “Fine.” he says back, harsher than he meant to. But Kei needed to know if anyone else saw him and recognized there was a problem. He clenched and unclenched his fists and tried to bring up the words to ask.

But after many years of friendship Yamaguchi just about knew how Kei thought and what he worried about. All he said though, was “no”, and he answered the unasked question. A small amount of tension leaked from his shoulders but he was still overly tense.

Kei put on his headphones and tried to hide from the world.

“Tsukishima!” Hinata waved at him as he ran down the hallway.

Kei looked up to see just who was calling for him but when he saw Hinata he turned around and kept walking. He even picked up the pace a little bit in an attempt to get away. Whatever Hinata wanted to say to him he didn’t want to hear. It obviously wasn’t going to be something important.

While Kei took the ‘no running in the halls’ rule seriously, Hinata did not. He outright sprinted in order to catch up. When he finally reached his target he grabbed Kei’s arm and pulled him so he would turn around.

“No,” Kei said immediately.

Hinata frowned at him and let out a frustrated groan, “I haven’t even said anything yet!”

“Whatever you’re going to ask, the answer is still no,” Kei tried to pull his arm back so he could get away but Hinata tightened his grip. Kei tensed under the increased contact, he didn’t want to be touched.

Hinata began marching them in the direction of the club room, practically dragging Kei along with him, “Maybe I just wanted to thank you, because of you I got the highest math quiz score I ever had.”

Kei looked back over his shoulder and wondered just who it was he angered to get himself into such a situation, “Fine, you’re welcome. Let go of me.”

Hinata stopped short and turned to look up at Kei with serious eyes. Kei could practically see the fire burning behind them. It was unsettling. “So can you keep tutoring me?” The question was earnest and Kei could detect a small amount of pleading in his voice.

“No,” he said without thinking at all, again attempting to free his arm.

“Please!”

Kei threw his hands up in frustration, the movement was enough to get Hinata to drop his arm, “Ugh, fine, just go away.”

“Yes!” Hinata jumped in celebration, reaching high enough to make direct eye contact with Kei, “Thank you.”

“Whatever. We’re going to be late.” He walked quickly towards the club room but Hinata easily kept up with him. He was chattering on about something but Kei couldn’t hear him, he could only hear his inner voice telling him that he made a mistake. But he did nothing to rectify it.

His humiliation from the Aoba Josai match at the hands of Oikawa still burned deep. Receiving wasn’t something he could easily practice on his own and he hated asking for help. Kei, who was raised primarily by his brother and now was almost completely self-sufficient save for the money part, was terrible at asking for help.

Growing up he and Aki learned by doing, they never expected much help from their parents and after a certain age they never asked for it. Now, with Aki at college (and them not on speaking terms) and his mother mostly working, Kei kept himself on schedule and on task without ever asking for help. He kept the house tidy, bathed daily, and did all of his homework without any prompting. The only thing he was lacking in his day-to-day life was the ability to feed himself regularly. Sure, he could cook simple dishes but that didn’t matter when you often forgot to eat.

Apparently he was also lacking a crucial volleyball skill.

Days earlier he saw Hinata approach Nishinoya and ask for his help. Kei knew that he should ask too, it would be beneficial to himself as a player and the team as a whole. Not that he really cared about that, he just didn’t like being embarrassed.

Approaching Noya was harder than he thought it would be. For one he seemed to always be surrounded by people and Kei didn’t want anyone else to overhear him ask for help. And for another, his energy level and overexuberance was so close to Hinata’s that Kei almost disliked him based on that alone.

Finally he managed to catch Noya in one of the brief moments where he was alone. Noya sat on the floor and greedily drank his water bottle, determined to get every last drop. When Kei approached him, practically looming over him with an uncomfortable aura, Noya simply looked up at him curiously.

“Nishinoya… senpai…” he started stiffly before hiding his hands behind his back hoping none of his nervous ticks would get noticed.

Noya’s eyes sparkled and he leapt to his feet to talk to his junior, “Yes my tall kohai? Have you come to ask for help from the great Noya-senpai as well?” He put his hands on his hips and laughed loudly.

Kei grit his teeth and really had to stop himself from turning and walking away, “Yes. Receiving.” He seemed to have lost the ability to form full sentences but Noya didn’t seem put off in the least. Then again Noya was one of the people who understood Hinata when he was talking in ‘gyuuns’ and ‘hwaas’, so at least Kei was real words.

“Great, great!” he clapped his hands together, “Shoyou also asked me for help so we can all do it together.

Hinata was ecstatic to have him join them. He overflowed with such positivity that Kei found it hard to look at him, harder than usual even. But Hinata loved that his stoic teammate was also concerned about how they played and was willing to put in the extra practice so it didn’t happen again.

Noya was a terrible teacher. He couldn’t explain at all what he did to make himself a top-tier libero. His body simply moved on instinct and most of his instructions were akin to ‘just get behind the ball’ and ‘just do it’. Hinata, who spoke in fake words, was much better at following the vague directions. He could watch Noya for a little bit and learn something, which was a skill Kei didn’t have. He needed clearer direction.

Unfortunately since Nishinoya simply couldn’t explain himself any better, Hinata tried to do it instead.

“Gods, you are not trying to teach me right now,” Kei groaned after Hinata attempted to adjust his form.

Hinata stuck out his tongue immaturely, “Consider it payback for the tutoring.”

Kei stifled a laugh, “I don’t think payback means what you think it does. You mean payment.”

“Payback, payment, same thing!” He practically yelled back.

“Why are you so loud?” Kei took a few steps back so Hinata wasn’t screaming in his face, not that he could reach his face, “Let’s practice.”

Hinata grinned at him so widely and earnestly, Kei couldn’t prevent his cheeks from lightly turning pink.

Hinata was flying, as he often was. He ran across the court, jumped with all of his might, and slammed the ball down on the opposite side. Everyone on the Karasuno volleyball team was used to seeing such a feat by now that they no longer stopped and stared, but Hinata still jumped and pumped his arm in celebration. He tried to get Kageyama to give him a high-five but was rejected, as usual. Hinata took the rejection in stride and jogged back to position.

Kei studied him from the sideline. Hinata was still an unknown entity. His stamina and willpower were seemingly endless but he had very little game sense; he was an idiot. Even with all that he could do his form wasn’t the greatest and he wasn’t that powerful. But still Kei watched him like if he looked hard enough he would be able to sort it all out and everything would fall into place. Kei watched him because Hinata was an enigma.

“You’re staring,” Yamaguchi mumbled out of the corner of his mouth and lightly bumped his elbow to shake him of his concentration.

He glanced down at his friend, “I’m observing.”

Kei observed everyone on the court, he was familiar with how they moved and how they thought and he used that to form his own plans-- he wasn’t the best at picking up on their emotions, something that was apparently also important, but instead of using their emotions to judge their actions he could use their actions to judge their emotions. Except for Hinata, whose actions were so erratic Kei could never tell what was going on in his head.

To be fair, not much went on in Hinata’s head. But that made it difficult to understand him or anticipate what he was going to do. Kei guessed that even Hinata didn’t know what he was going to do next. He lived in the moment to the fullest extent possibly. To Kei’s over-analytical mind, he was infuriating.

“You’re going to rotate in soon,” Yamaguichi interrupted him again, “stare at him later.”

Kei glared at him, “I’m not staring.”

Yamaguchi hid his smile, “whatever you say, Tsukki.”

Kei rotated in and he could no longer think about what type of mystery his teammate was, his mind was preoccupied with blocking strategies and timings and how much he hated that Kageyama was pushing him. It was just a club, they didn’t need to try so hard. It wasn’t going to lead anywhere.

As he ran split second analyses on possible ball trajectories, he didn’t see the irony of complaining about trying too hard.

They lost their practice match and Kei was no closer to understanding Hinata.

Kei went home to an empty house. Even though he knew his mother and brother wouldn’t be around he still looked for them when he came home. The empty entrance hall left him feeling empty as well.

He walked around the kitchen and living room to pick up after himself from the night before. It didn’t matter if he did so though, it wasn’t like anyone was going to scold him for being messy. Either way he preferred some amount of tidiness. After making sure all rooms were clear he headed into his own room to start on his homework.

Kei sat at the low table in his room and spread out all of his books and supplies. He didn’t have much that he needed to do but he enjoyed putting everything away as he finished his work so he could physically see the amount he had left dwindling into nothing. Before he started he turned on his computer and selected a playlist.

The music was most likely the only noise the house was going to hear that night.

As he predicted his work didn’t take long and he silently wished for more. Without school work and studying he wasn’t sure how to entertain himself for the rest of the night. By now, he thought, he should be an expert at it, but still he found himself bored.

He walked around the house and peeked into various rooms. His brother’s room was mostly untouched and the rumpled sheets in his mother’s room was the only sign that she lived there. Besides his bedroom none of the rooms really appeared lived in. It would be like living in a museum if he didn’t think museums were much cooler than his house.

Kei sat in front of the television with the remote in handed and pretended that he was going to turn it on.

Time passed. He went to bed.

After practice Daichi announced he was going to treat them all to meat buns. It would have been easy for Kei to skip this team bonding experience but the shop was on his way anyway and he might as well get some free food out of it. At least that’s what he told himself.

Kei and Yamaguchi walked a few paces behind everyone, but the others were loud enough that they could still hear every word they were saying.

When the first group arrived Daichi went inside by himself so the entire team didn’t storm the place and cause a commotion. He came out again a few minutes later with enough buns for everyone to get one. Kei gratefully took the food that was offered to him and joined the circle that was forming around Daichi. The captain was getting ready to hold court.

After everyone was served Daichi clapped his hands together to get all of their attention. “Interhigh is coming up in a few weeks,” he started with a powerful voice that grabbed everyone’s attention, “and we’re going to win it all and go to Nationals!”

Hinata, Tanaka, and Nishinoya loudly cheered and hollered. Daichi shot them all a look and they quieted down.

“Let’s keep in top shape and do our best,” he made eye contact with each and every one of them, “I believe in all of you. We can do it!”

“Wow, Daichi,” Suga laughed, “It’s almost like you’re the captain.”

Kageyama made a confused face, “he is the captain.”

Suga laughed loudly and reached over to ruffle Kageyama’s hair-- he was always physically affectionate with everyone, “It was a joke my precious kohai.”

“Was it funny?” he tilted his head slightly and asked with no hint of malice.

Kei and Yamaguchi snickered lightly besides him. “Who knew the King was so dense,” Kei said so only Yamaguchi and Kageyama would hear.

Kageyama glared at him but before he could say anything Daichi stepped between them, “We have to be on our best behaviour if we’re going to win at Interhigh and get to Nationals,” he gave them a long, hard look.

They nodded.

They didn’t win.

During the match with Date Tech they kept getting stuffed by their iron wall but in the end they managed to break through and win. Daichi wanted them to carry that energy over to their match with Aoba Josai but with Oikawa leading the team it was completely different from their practice match.

There were moments during the match with Seijou that Kei actually thought they were going to win. He successfully blocked their ace, Iwaizumi. Kageyama listened to him about how he wanted the ball set and in return he listened to Kageyama about who Oikawa would set the ball to in a key moment. He repeatedly pulled off feints until they were expecting it and he slammed one down on the other side. The match was almost satisfying.

And then the ball dropped on their side of the court and the match was over. As if gravity became too much for Karasuno to handle, almost the entire team fell to their hands and knees. They never actually expected to lose. Kei remained standing as he watched Oikawa’s smug face and listened to his teammate’s cries. He couldn’t feel anything, he could feel too much.

He didn’t know when he began to care.

Daichi, Coach Ukai, and Takeda-sensei shuffled them off of the court and on to the bus. Ukai tried to tell them that they were going to make a stop before going back to the school but no one was really listening to him.

On the bus Asahi sat next to him. Yamaguchi shot Kei a confused look but Kei simply shrugged, he had no idea why Asahi chose to sit there. Yamaguchi took the seat across from them instead.

When the bus started most people dozed off and Kei wanted to put his headphones on but he waited. It was obvious that Asahi wanted something from him so he could wait for him to start. Kei watched as Asahi opened and closed his mouth a few times with false starts. He waited and hoped that it wouldn’t take too long.

“Do you feel inferior to Hinata?” he whispered suddenly.

Kei didn’t expect that, he wasn’t even sure how to process the question. He stared blankly at Asahi until the older boy grew uncomfortable.

He rubbed the back of his head, “You feel like you’re in his shadow, right? But you two have different strengths,” he looked Kei in the eye but seemed nervous, “You’re both middle blockers but you’re not on the court to bide time until Hinata is at the net again. You bring something important to the team.”

Kei bit back a reply of ‘yeah, height’ and looked out the window.

Asahi placed a large hand on his shoulder and Kei tensed, he wanted this conversation to be over, “Just because he shines doesn’t mean we all can’t shine as well. I’ll switch with Yamaguchi now.”

Kei nodded once even though he wasn’t sure if Asahi was still looking.

He felt some shuffling around and soon the familiar presence of Yamaguchi was at his side. His friend looked between the two of them trying to figure out what went on between the two of them. Kei shrugged because he didn’t want to talk about it and luckily his friend accepted that as an answer.

The bus pulled into a closed restaurant and Coach Ukai was knocking on the door before everyone could drag themselves off the bus. An older woman grumbled as she opened the door but saw it was Ukai knocking and her face softened as she let them all in. She led them to the back of the restaurant where they pushed two tables together and again they collapsed under the weight of their loss.

The woman wouldn’t let them order anything, she simply began cooking whatever she deemed fit and soon the restaurant was full of delicious smelling food. As a testament to how upset everyone was, they didn’t make a sound. There was no chatter at all as the table was set and multiple dishes were brought out. Even as the table was filled with food, no one moved to take anything.

Coach Ukai stood up and they listlessly looked up at him. He told them that they worked hard and he was proud of them. Sniffles were heard around the table. He told them to eat and repair their bodies and grow stronger so next time they could win. Those who were holding back tears let them fall freely.

Slowly everyone started reaching for food and filling their plates. It was good. They were hungry-- for food, for victory, they were hungry.

Kei stared down at his plate. He was the only one not crying, he couldn’t show what he was feeling.

A dumpling appeared on his plate. He looked up and Hinata nodded at him. Kei mouthed a thank you.

Kei wasn’t positive how it had happened, but Hinata roped him into tutoring him one day a week during lunch and one day a week after practice. So somehow Hinata ended up coming to his house every Thursday. While Tuesday’s lunch time tutoring also included Yamaguchi and Kageyama, only Hinata went to his house. (Yamaguchi was practicing his jump float serve and Kageyama straight up refused to go to his house.)

Most of the time when they arrived at the Tsukishima household no one was there. Before opening their books and getting down to business Hinata usually required something to eat. Kei found that out after the first time Hinata followed him home and complained incessantly that he couldn’t possibly concentrate on work with an empty stomach. Luckily any type of food was enough to make him happy but it did mean that Hinata was extremely comfortable in his kitchen. It was odd to watch him flit from cupboard to refrigerator and pull ingredients like he lived there-- Kei, of course, outright refused to cook for him. He didn’t know if it was something he would get used to.

This time though, when they walked in the door Kei noticed his mother’s shoes in the entryway. Hinata didn’t notice them and made his way to the kitchen.

“Oh,” his mother looked up from her laptop, “Kei. You’re home early. And you brought a friend.”

Kei stood up a bit straighter, “I usually get home at this time; you are home early,” he gestured to Hinata, “This is Hinata, he is my teammate and I’ve been helping him study.”

“It’s good that you have a friend other than Tadashi,” she smiled at Hinata, “nice to meet you.”

Hinata bowed and returned her greeting as he tried to discreetly look between Kei and his mother like he was trying to figure something out.

“We will be in my room,” he grabbed Hinata’s arm and tried to drag him away before he could insist on going to the kitchen. Kei resolved himself to dealing with Hinata’s complaining but the other boy was oddly quiet.

“Kei,” his mother said before they could make their escape, “you’re looking very skinny, have you been eating?”

Kei froze in place and took a deep breath, he didn’t want to have this conversation at all, let alone in front of Hinata. She was barely around so who was she to comment on his eating habits? He turned to face her again, keeping his grip on Hinata’s arm, “I’ve always been like this and I have been eating. We’re going now.”

He prepared himself for dragging Hinata down the hall away from the kitchen but at the first tug Hinata went with him without putting up a fight. Kei still didn’t let go and kept a grip that was maybe on the wrong side of too tight, but again Hinata said nothing about it and went willingly.

Once in his room he let go of Hinata and closed the door softly behind him. He looked at his feet and concentrated on stopping the loud ringing in his ears and tried hard to stay present. Hinata took a seat at the low table and waited for Kei to compose himself. Kei didn’t know that Hinata knew how to be considerate, but Hinata simply took out his books and pretended to look over a worksheet until Kei was ready to join him.

After a few long moments Kei joined him at the table and took out his own school work, “What do you need help on?” his voice was shakier than he wanted it to be but he managed to look Hinata straight in the eye. He wished he didn’t though because Hinata was openly worried about him. He knew it was only a matter of time before Hinata asked just what happened with his mother.

Hinata managed to keep his mouth shut while they went through math and English but after that his stomach growled loudly and he looked longingly towards the door. He wasn’t going to ask for anything though, even he could read a room and knew it would be more trouble than it was worth.

Kei sighed loudly and dug a protein bar out of his school bag. Hinata lit up when Kei handed it to him and ripped into it eagerly. Watching Hinata eat was always an experience.

“So…” Hinata started with his mouth mostly full of protein bar, “why does your mom not know what you look like or if you eat.” It was amazing that Hinata could sound worried while talking with his mouth full.

Kei dug his nails into his palm before relaxing his hand and putting them flat against the table, “She’s not around a lot,” he managed to get out before closing up. He didn’t need to tell Hinata anything about him. But Hinata continued to look at him with big worried eyes and a frown that meant he was thinking hard.

“Who takes care of you?” he asked softly.

“I do.”

“What?” Hinata slammed his hands on the table and stood up suddenly, “you have parents and a brother, why are you all alone here? And if you’re all alone you do know how to cook, right? Because you are too skinny,” he paced a few steps back and forth.

Kei rested his forehead on the table, ignoring how his glasses pushed into his face, “my mother works a lot, Akiteru is at college, and my dad left years ago.” It was easier to tell the table this than Hinata. He knew Hinata would keep pushing so it was better that he just come out and say it.

Hinata sat down next to him close enough that their arms were pressed together and their knees bumped, “and food?”

“You don’t need to worry about my health,” he scratched lightly at the table.

Hinata placed his cheek on the table so he was looking at Kei, “well too late, I’m worried. Should I feed you? I make lunch for Natsu all the time.”

“Please don’t,” he groaned. He turned his head to look at Hinata who was much closer than he expected him to be.

“Tsukishima,” Hinata said seriously, “take off your shirt.”

Kei blushed bright red and sat up quickly, “What? No! Why? You weirdo.”

Hinata tried to grab at his shirt but Kei pushed himself away in time, “No it makes sense! I want to see if any of your ribs are sticking out. How much food should I bring you?” He said as if it was a completely normal request.

Kei kept pushing himself away, “We change in the same room all the time, someone would have noticed already.”

That seemed to be enough to stop Hinata in his quest to disrobe Kei, “Okay,” he nodded decisively, “But I’m still going to bring you food.”

“Please don’t.”

Hinata, as it turned out, was not a liar. Every day for the next few weeks he slipped Kei a protein bar in the morning and tried to give him more food at lunch.

After a week of being fed, Yamaguchi was curious enough to ask what was going on. On their walk home together he fidgeted with the strap of his bag until he finally blurted out what he wanted to say.

“Why does Hinata keep feeding you?”

Kei let out a huge sigh, “he thinks I’m too skinny.”

Yamaguchi scrunched up his nose. That was not the answer he was expecting. “Are you friends now?” he asked curiously. He knew that the four first-years regularly ate lunch together but Kei hardly seemed friendly with Hinata or Kageyama. But then again he was still tutoring him.

“No, we’re not,” he said quietly, “he heard something he shouldn’t have and gave himself that responsibility.”

The two of them walked in silence for the next few blocks, “Tsukki,” he started hesitantly, “are you okay?”

Kei snorted then covered his mouth and nose with his hand, he didn’t mean to make such a noise, “I’m no different than before,” he said blankly, knowing full well the ambiguity of his statement.

Yamaguchi knew enough to not push for more, “Okay…”

The next day Yamaguchi watched his friends interact. He saw that after morning practice Hinata would hand Kei a protein bar and he even noticed that it had dried strawberries in it, so either Hinata guessed what he would like or found out about his preference. He saw that Kei would take it without a word but would nod slightly and immediately open it to eat on their walk to their classrooms.

He was a bit proud of his best friend for behaving so civilly.

During lunch Hinata would hand Kei a small container of food to go along with whatever Kei actually brought for lunch. After days of loudly complaining that he didn’t want it and Hinata didn’t need to do this, he took the container quietly and opened it alongside the rest of his food. Kei rarely ate everything that was in front of him but he did always try to eat what Hinata brought him so he could hand back an empty container.

Even with all of that, Hinata still tried to discreetly put more food in front of Kei. He was always caught but Kei gave up on arguing about that as well and simply let it happen. But he didn’t always eat the extra food.

Yamaguchi also noticed that Kageyama was unusually quiet about the subject. He occasionally rolled his eyes at the exchange but never commented. Yamaguchi wondered if Hinata told him not to make a scene.

Kei was looking a bit healthier but he would never admit that it was due to Hinata’s meddling.

The ball slammed out of bounds on the opposite side of the net. Hinata yelled in frustration, “One more!” He got back into position and waited for Yachi to throw the ball so Kageyama could set it.

Yachi threw the ball over her head, Kageyama positioned himself under the ball and perfectly set it for Hinata to spike. The sound resonated around the gym. It was in bounds this time but Hinata was still unhappy with it. “Tch, one more!”

“Do better!” Kageyama snapped at him. The three of them got back into position and tried it again.

Kei was watching from the sidelines, he had only slipped in because he forgot his pads earlier. He didn’t know what ‘do better’ meant but the freak duo both seemed to understand. From where Kei was standing the ball was hit well and with no players on the other side of the net he couldn’t tell how difficult it would have been to receive. It didn’t paint the line or fall in a back corner, but it looked like a decent quick attack.

Hinata solidly hit the ball again.

Kageyama rounded on him, “Are you sick or something? I know you can jump higher than that!”

“I’m trying to hit the ball harder,” he yelled back. “I can’t be the ace if I’m not powerful!”

Kei tried to replay the last few spikes in his head. He didn’t notice that he wasn’t jumping to his full height. If he wasn’t reaching his peak it was only by a small difference, hardly noticeable to anyone but the genius setter.

“Your speed and jumping are much better weapons,’ Kageyama threw a volleyball at Hinata who caught it easily, “Don’t worry about spiking power.”

“Don’t worry about spiking power,” he mocked, “Easy for you to say! You’re good at everything!”

“Yes.”

“Argh!” Hinata threw the volleyball back at him, “I need to add more power! More and more people are going to catch me so I need to make my spikes harder to receive!”

“No!” Kageyama yelled back, “You should focus on speed.”

Hinata threw his hands in the air, “you never listen to me.”

Kageyama threw the volleyball back again but Hinata dodged it, “because you’re an idiot.”

“I don’t need you saying that to me!”

Kei slipped out unnoticed.

Training camps were going to become the bane of his existence. He didn’t want to eat, breathe, and sleep volleyball multiple days in a row. He didn’t want to be stuck with volleyball freaks for multiple days in a row. Yet there he was.

They spent most of the day losing. In fact, that was too generous, they spent all day losing. After spending all day losing the last thing he wanted to do was extra practice with everyone else who was still way too hyped up. Yet there he was.

Kuroo had conned him into blocking practice and then repeatedly told him how terrible he was at it. Kei’s blood boiled, he kept repeating ‘it’s just a club’ to try and calm himself down but his ears rang at every insult and he could see black creeping into the corners of his eyes as tunnel vision began to set in.

Bokuto slapped his back and pushed the air out of his lungs but the jolt managed to restart his system. It didn’t matter though because Kuroo started running his mouth again and told him how inferior he was to Hinata. He didn’t need anyone telling him things that he already knew. Kei smiled an extremely fake smile and Kuroo seemed taken aback. But before anything else could happen between them more Nekoma players showed up and Kei made his exit.

The next day during training he could feel Kuroo’s eyes on him. It was uncomfortable and made his skin itch. He didn’t want to be observed so intensely and it definitely put him off his game.

At the end of the day he tried to slip away again but Yamaguchi of all people stopped him to yell in his face. After Yamaguchi said his peace Kei stiffly walked back to the third gym. He felt like he was on auto-pilot as he asked them why they tried so hard and after they gave their terribly confusing answers he wanted to leave but he was stopped again.

Hinata showed up looking for more practice since the King ditchen him and Kei got roped into a 3-on-3 game. It was almost exciting to be on the opposite side of the net as Hinata; he was looking forward to stopping him, even if he couldn’t do his freak-quick right now. The only problem was Kuroo was still watching him with an uncomfortable sharpness.

After way too many sets they left the gym and Kuroo grabbed his arm, “Tsukki, let’s chat.”

Kei pulled his arm away, “No thank you. And don’t call me that.”

Kuroo grinned lazily at him and easily let go of Kei’s arm, “it’ll be a quick talk.”

“This will go by faster if I just let you talk to me, won’t it?” he sighed.

“You got it!” Kuroo laughed too loud, “Now let’s go for a walk.”

“What is this about?” Kei groused.

At the same time Kuroo asked, “How long have you known you’re gay?”

Kei stopped in his tracks. What? What did he just say? Why would he think such a thing? Did he do something? Say something? Act a certain way? He felt the world start spinning and he desperately wanted to get off the ride. “I’m not…” he started.

Kuroo gave him a look that clearly said he didn’t believe him, “Look, Tsukki, I was watching how you play so I could give you more pointers and I noticed that you stared at your team’s shorty a lot. It was pretty subtle but I was watching closely.”

“Don’t call me that,” he replied weakly. It was the only thing he could think of to say back.

“What? Tsukki or gay?” he replied casually.

Kei glared at him, “both.”

Kuroo simply grinned back, “Ah, the inclusive or. Very nice,” he laced his fingers behind his head and looked up at the sky, “I’m bisexual myself. I didn’t think you were because you didn’t give time of day to any of the female managers, but I think your shorty is too.”

Kei pulled his sports glasses down so they dangled around his neck and rubbed his eyes, “I don’t care about you or him. I’m not anything.”

“Asexual then? You wouldn’t be alone with that either.” Kuroo kept his tone so even Kei wondered how he could do it while talking about such a topic, “but I still think shorty likes you, he gives you special attention.”

“Can you stop?” his eyes were still closed and he was trying to block out as much stimulation as he could to calm down, “I just need to…” his faltered and stumbled a few paces. Kuroo grabbed his arm to stabilize him and led him to the closest bench. Kei let himself be pulled along and his legs gave out when he reached the bench.

Kuroo looked around but no one was nearby, “Give me your water bottle, I’ll refill it. Stay here,” for once Kuroo sounded worried and Kei briefly wondered if that meant he won.

When Kuroo was gone the only sounds he could hear were crickets and his own breathing. It would almost be peaceful if his breathing wasn’t a touch too fast. He placed his head between his knees and covered his ears with his hands to try and block out the sound. With sight and sound mostly cut off he could feel the shaking in his arms lessen-- although he wasn’t even aware that it had started.

Someone had looked at him and figured out he wasn’t straight, Kei couldn’t allow himself to think that he was gay. He was different enough as it was with his inability to handle things without shutting down completely, he didn’t need this too. And what would his family think? As much as he tried to pretend he didn’t care what they thought, he didn’t want to give them another reason to reject them.

Akiteru most likely wouldn’t reject him. He wouldn’t abandon him no matter how much Kei tried to push him away. At least he hoped so.

A cold water bottle was pressed against his arm and a hand rubbed small circles on his back.

“Aki?” He looked up a bit dazed. It wasn’t his brother, it was way too orange.

Hinata shook his head, “Are you okay?” He asked wa too quietly to actually be Hinata, “I was looking for you and ran into Kuroo and he gave me your water bottle and told me where to find you.”

Hinata looked worried, he could tell even without his glasses. It wasn’t right that Hinata kept worrying over Kei.

“You look really pale. Paler than usual,” he kept going when Kei did nothing but stare blankly at him, “I saw you eat earlier so it’s not that.”

“How long have you been here?” Kei blurted out, interrupting Hinata’s rambling.

Hinata put a finger to his lips to think and Kei followed the movement, “a few minutes maybe? I tried talking to you when I got here but you didn’t respond so I rubbed your back and that calmed you down a bit but you didn’t snap out of it until the cold bottle touched you.”

Kei brought his gaze from Hinata’s lips to his eyes and blinked at him a few times, “you touched me and I didn’t notice?”

Hinata nodded, “You were really out of it. What…” he paused like he was reconsidering asking but pushed forward anyway, “what happened?”

“Kuroo ran his mouth,” he mumbled, “when I get too stressed I shut down.”

“What did he say to stress you out so much?” he asked without thinking but after a few seconds of quiet from Kei he began waving his hands wildly, “Wait. You don’t need to answer that. It might get you stressed again.”

Kei took a few sips from his water bottle, “Let’s go back. I’m exhausted.”

Before Kei fell asleep he promised himself that he would be more careful.

When Kei returned home from the training camp no one was home. It wasn’t surprising, he didn’t expect anything different. Coming home to a quiet house after practically living with his teammates for a few days made the house seem extra lonely.

But loneliness was what he was looking for. Multiple days cooped up with so many people had him on edge. He wanted to collapse into his bed and sleep until next week. Or wash up in his own bathroom by himself.

His bedroom was just as he left it. The bedsheets were slightly crumpled because he didn’t make it properly and there was a small pile of clothes in the corner that didn’t make it to the laundry. Seeing his mark on the room was calming, no matter how small it was. He lived here, in the rest of the house he simply existed. Sure he could probably extend out of his bedroom but then he ran the risk of being told off when someone came by.

Kei turned on his computer so he could start up one of his playlists and tried to drown himself in the music. For the past few nights he had been able to block out what Kuroo told him, but now that he was alone and there was no chance of anyone walking in on him, he stewed in them. He couldn’t get over the fact Kuroo was so comfortable saying words out loud that Kei had trouble even thinking about.

He threw around gay, bisexual, and asexual like they were nothing, like they didn’t mean anything to him. Then Kuroo came out to him, and gods, was he supposed to react to that a certain way? How did he react? It was all a blur, he couldn’t remember.

And he said he thought Hinata was bisexual as well. Did he just know that because he was too? Was Kei supposed to be able to identify-- he stopped that train of thought before it could come to fruition. But Kei had never seen Hinata be openly interested in a boy like he was with Kiyoko. Sure, he was weirdly close with Kageyama and openly admired every strong volleyball player he came into contact with, but that was probably professional admiration rather than romantic interest.

Kei didn’t want to think about Hinata that way. He didn’t want to think about anything at all but the word bisexual kept rolling around in his head like some kind of lifeline. If he could be… that, then there was still some chance at an average life. Even Kei could admit that he had never been interested in a girl, but he could only identify being interested in another boy once and his interest faded quickly. Maybe it was a fluke and he was a late bloomer.

Kei pulled himself out of bed and sat in front of a computer. He was going to do something he had never done before-- look at porn. He felt stupid typing the word ‘porn’ into his search engine but he did it anyway. It brought up way too many options in way too many categories. When he found a website that he was pretty sure wouldn’t destroy his computer he clocked to open it and was once again overwhelmed.

On the homepage there were screengrabs of popular videos so he clicked one at random after making sure it contained both a man and a woman.

The video opened on them kissing. He looked at their mouths and tried to think about what it would be like to kiss one of them, but neither of them seemed appealing. Kei skipped ahead in the video and watched the man take the woman’s breast in his mouth. He squinted at it, not exactly sure who that was supposed to be good for. Sure, he knew nipples could be erogenous zones but that still looked uncomfortable for everyone involved.

He skipped ahead again and the woman was on her knees giving the man a blowjob. As he watched the woman work he found himself growing interested. He bit the inside of his cheek and kept trying to focus on her and what she was doing but the more he tried the more he realized that he wasn’t at all interested in her. He was interested in what she was doing-- his mouth dried up when he came to the conclusion that it was something he wanted to do.

Kei closed the website and turned off his whole computer for good measure before throwing himself back on the bed. He stared at the ceiling and tried not to imagine what he just saw but himself in her place.

It wasn’t working.

Fuck. He was gay.

Kei tried not to dwell on his sexuality. He had volleyball and school to worry about, he didn’t need to add something else to his plate. But at lunch Hinata added food to his literal plate and smiled up at him and Kei was so fucked. He shoved the food in his mouth and tried not to stare and tried not to notice Yamaguchi staring at him. (And boy was he thankful that Yamaguchi knew to let him be more often than not.)

During class time he barely paid attention at all. Time passed and he hardly noticed. But it didn’t matter, he could easily catch up on his own in the comfort of his own bedroom. He just needed to get through the day and volleyball practice.

With the next tournament coming up and the sting of their last loss still all too fresh, volleyball practice was getting more and more intense. Kei found himself trying more than usual and everyone kept praising him because of it, it was weird. They saw and approved of a change that he was still uncomfortable with and unsure of. He wished, not for the first time, that he could talk to Akiteru.

Kei was leaning against the wall staring hard at his hands. His fingers were sore but it was a good feeling, it was grounding.

Hinata appeared at his side, “Are you okay?” he asked curiously. Kei wondered if he looked like he did that night at training camp, his mind was in so many places he wouldn’t be too surprised if he didn’t look that great.

“Fine,” his voice was too high, he cleared his throat and tried again, “I’m fine. I was thinking about volleyball.”

“Oh,” Hinata lit up and smiled brightly at him, “Good!”

Hinata bounded away back over to Kageyama and Kei watched him go. He was so fucked.

On the walk home Yamaguchi decided he had enough of letting Kei be. He at least waited until they were out of sight from their other teammates before starting the conversation, “So…” he hesitated, giving him a small out but Kei let him go, “you and Hinata?” He let the question dangle.

“Ugh,” Kei pushed his glasses up his forehead so he could run his hands down his face, “I think we’re friends.”

Yamaguchi openly laughed at him, “I guess that’s what you get for spending so much time tutoring him. I’m happy for you though.”

“Yeah. Thanks.”

Kei was much less happy.

They won the tournament.

It was exhilarating. It was painful. It was emotional. Akiteru was there.

Daichi got injured and Kei thought they were going to lose right then but Ennoshita managed to pull them all together and they won that match. Winning that though meant a long awaited rematch with Aoba Josai. Kei didn’t admit it but he was happy to have Daichi back on the court for the match against Seijou, no matter how well Ennoshita did.

Seemingly against all odds they beat Seijou. In an unbelievable reversal the ball dropped on the opposite side of the court and it was their opponents overtaken by the unforgiving force that is loss and gravity. They beat Oikawa and the wild card that was Kyotani.

Kei was convinced they were going to lose to Shiratorizawa but he was determined to stop at least a few of their ace’s spikes. He had promised to do as much.

They won but somehow Kei managed to feel like a failure. He only managed to stop Ushijima once and he got hurt in the process. His finger throbbed as he made his way to the bathroom to hide his frustrated tears. He wanted to do better, he was mad that he wanted to better, he was so mentally exhausted because he tried and still couldn’t succeed and this is why he didn’t want to try.

Kei slipped away while everyone was crying and celebrating so he could calm down. He was overly upset with himself and needed to be by himself.

So of course Yamaguchi showed up to yell at him again, screamed at him to not feel sorry for himself. It helped, surprisingly. Yamaguchi left and Kei took a moment to wash his face from the sweat and tears. He quietly laughed, he literally shed blood, sweat, and tears over this match. Who would have guessed that he would ever do something like that?

When he stepped out of the bathroom he walked right into Hinata. “Oh, sorry,” Kei mumbled and tried to get through but Hinata grabbed his shirt.

“I was looking for you! You did so good! You blocked Ushijima!” Hinata bounced lightly on his feet, “Why did you leave while we were celebrating? Why… do you look upset?” he tilted his head curiously.

Kei ran a hand through his hair, it was wet with sweat and stuck up awkwardly, “I wanted to do better,” he admitted quietly.

Hinata shoved him roughly, “You. Blocked. Ushijima.”

“Once,” he shot back, “I only did it once.”

Hinata laughed loudly at him and Kei flushed with anger, “You’re so different from the start of the year. If you want to go better, do better next time.” His eyes were so intense Kei believed that next time he could actually do better.

Akiteru hovered by the Karasuno bus waiting for Kei to show up. Kei stopped a few paces away and watched his brother, he looked nervous. It wasn’t a good look for Aki who was always so confident.

Kei came up besides him, “What are you doing here, Aki?” he flinched inwardly, he didn’t mean to sound so harsh.

Aki didn’t seem to mind, his whole face lit up and he pulled Kei into a hug, “Kei! You won! You guys beat Shiratorizawa! You blocked their ace! How’s your hand?” He bombarded Kei with his enthusiasm.

This was much more like his brother. Kei bit back a smile as he took a half step back, “My hand is fine,” he looked over at the rest of his team, “yeah, we won. How did you know to be here?”

“You think I don’t keep up on Karasuno volleyball?” Aki crossed his arms and looked jokingly disappointed at his brother, “especially with my baby brother as a starting player? I couldn’t get away from college and work before to come see you play but I took time off for you.”

Kei looked embarrassed, “Thanks.”

Akiteru gripped both his arms and looked at him seriously, “I’m sorry I haven’t been around.”

Kei broke eye contact with him, it was too intense of a look. Instead he found Coach Ukai looking at them, “Coach, this is my brother. I’m going home with him instead of the bus.”

Ukai nodded at them, “Akiteru, good to see you again.”

He grinned, “Come by the neighborhood association again soon,” Aki linked arms with Kei and led him to his car, “Karasuno volleyball is a small world, don’t look so surprised that we know each other.”

Kei groaned, “you’re going to check in on me, aren’t you?”

Akiteru laughed, “I’m your brother, it’s my job. Besides,” he grew more serious, “I should have been around more. I’m going to try and come home more.”

“You don’t have to do that,” Kei got into the passenger seat and put on his seat belt, “I’m getting along just fine.”

“You should be better than just fine, Kei!” he was angry, Kei wasn’t sure how to handle his brother when he was angry, “when’s the last time you saw mom?”

Kei shrugged, “I see her in passing sometimes,” he focused on watching the scenery pass out the window.

Akiteru sighed, “I’m going to be around more, don’t fight me on this.”

It was Thursday and Hinata was rummaging through his kitchen as per usual. “Tsukishima,” he said shrilly, “there’s no food in your refrigerator or cupboards.”

“Oh,” he looked away, already unable to deal with this conversation but preparing to have it, “My mother usually gets it… but Akiteru told her he would be around more and she stopped.”

Hinata stomped across the room and grabbed his hands. It was amazing how much noise his small body could make. “What!” He vigorously shook Kei’s hands, “What do you mean?”

Kei sighed and forced himself to look at Hinata, “She expected him to do the shopping even though he doesn’t live here full time.” He hated the pity in Hinata’s eyes and tried his hardest not to look away, not to lose whatever battle of wills.

“C’mon, let’s go grocery shopping. Do you have money?” Hinata dragged Kei towards the door.

“At least let me get my wallet at the shopping bags.”

Tutoring somehow turned into grocery shopping.

The store was only a few blocks away so the walk didn’t take too long but Hinata talked the entire time. He talked about their practice and the upcoming Nationals, and their classwork, and every little thing he saw on the walk. Kei really wanted to find him annoying but his authenticity was endearing. He let Hinata babble on and Kei simply watched him with a small smile.

When they reached the grocery store Hinata found a hand basket and walked up and down every aisle, filling it up without asking Kei what he wanted. But then again, Hinata was probably more acquainted with his kitchen than he was. Hinata over-filled the basket and Kei watched on amusedly as he struggled to carry it.

“You doing okay, Shrimp?” he laughed quietly.

“Shut up, Meanie-shima,” he growled.

Kei laughed a bit louder and took the basket from him, “I’m going to pay for this now and you’re going to cook something for me.”

Hinata smiled up at him brightly, “I’ll cook for you whenever you want.”

Kei picked up the pace so Hinata wouldn’t see him blush. His body was so stupid, it didn’t need to be reacting that way.

But Hinata caught up like it was nothing and hummed to himself as Kei paid. When Kei looked down at him curiously Hinata gave him his stupid bright and earnest smile.

Kei’s heart was so fucked.

When Kei walked in the door with Yamaguchi at his side, the first thing he noticed was that there were too many shoes in the entryway. Even with Akiteru’s promise to come around more, there were too many shoes.

As he walked deeper into the house he could hear Aki talking nervously about school. He sounded shaky in a way that didn’t sound right for his usually bold and confident brother.

But then he heard his father reply. Kei froze in his tracks, causing Yamaguchi to walk into him. Kei didn’t know the last time he heard his father’s voice let alone saw him. A man so far removed from his life shouldn’t cause him to react like this, but there he was, standing in his hallway unable to move.

Yamaguchi placed his hand on his shoulder, “C’mon,” he said quietly, “let’s go to your room.”

Kei shook his head and marched himself into the living room where his family was waiting. Privately he missed his quiet and lonely house.

“Kei!” His father slurred, drunk of course, “there you are. You got so big! Don’t you eat?”

“Am I big or too small?” He spat, “make up your mind.”

Akiteru motioned to him to please take it down a few notches. Kei scowled, he wanted this man out of his house.

Their father sat on the middle cushion of the couch while Aki hovered next to him. He was a small man (they had inherited their height from their mother’s side of the family) but his presence was large and intimidating. Kei only stood in the entrance of the room and didn’t dare walk any closer. Yamaguchi hovered behind him, he had only ever heard about Kei’s father so this was his first time seeing him in person.

His father turned to him with unclear eyes, “are you still playing volleyball?”

Kei grit his teeth, he didn’t want his father to know anything about his life but being caught in a lie would be so much worse, “yes,” he forced out.

He scoffed, “That sport is for girls. Why don’t you play a real sport instead.”

“Then it’s a good way to meet girls,” he looked directly at his father with challenging yet unseeing eyes.

Unfortunately Yamaguchi chose now to speak up, “Well…” he started hesitantly, “not really. All the training camps and tournaments we’re in are all male. Sometime we run into the girls’ team but not too often.” But Kei couldn’t fault him too much, he was clearly nervous babbling.

His father made a disgusted noise, “So are you a girl or gay?”

“Which would bother you more?” he asked before he could stop himself.

Akiteru clapped his hands together to grab their attention, “Okay!” he said with false cheerfulness, “Time to end this family reunion, Kei I’m sure you have homework to do, you two can head up to your room.”

Kei would have been planted firmly in place but Yamaguchi tugged on the strap of his bag and pulled him off balance enough to shake him from his reverie. The two of them quietly walked to Kei’s room. Once they were inside Yamaguchi sat at the table and took out his school work and left Kei alone to process his thoughts. He was a good friend.

Kei crawled into his bed and put his headphones on. He scrolled through his phone to choose a playlist but also pulled up his recent texts with Aki and posed to send him a message. He wasn’t sure what he wanted to say but he felt like he needed to talk to his brother.

Kei: Does mom know he’s here?
Aki: I let her know
Kei: And?
Aki: She said to let her know when he leaves
Kei: Great, that means we have to deal with him.
Aki: You can stay in your room. I’ll get him out
Kei: Thank you Aki

He dragged himself out of bed and joined Yamaguchi at the table. His friend was studiously pretending to do his own work. Kei didn’t know what he did to deserve such a friend.

“English homework. Let’s get started.”

Yamaguchi looked at him with concerned eyes but nodded, “We can do that. Do you want to talk though?”

Kei stared at his books and placed his palms down flat on the table, “I want to get my homework done.”

“Okay,” he kept nodding, “But I’m here for you too.”

After about an hour of working they heard Akiteru kick out their father and after a few more hours Yamaguchi left to go home with another promise that he was there if Kei wanted to talk. Kei still wanted to pretend that nothing was wrong, so he agreed to talk if anything was wrong but said everything was fine.

He tried to sneak back into his room after he walked Yamaguchi out but Akiteru stopped him before he could go into hiding. He really missed his quiet empty house.

Before Aki could ask if he was okay, Kei spoke up, “What was he doing here?”

Aki rubbed his eyes and looked towards the front door, “apparently he still had a key and drunkenly decided to drop by,” he tried to sound light hearted but he just sounded exhausted.

Kei felt anger spike, “We need to change the locks.”

“I’ll go out tomorrow morning and buy what we need,” Aki agreed right away, “It won’t happen again. Okay?”

“Fine,” he grumbled, “Can I go now?”

Aki frowned at him, “Are you okay? You seem more agitated than I thought you’d be.”

Kei took a deep breath and tried not to yell at his brother who he knew was just trying to help, “I’m just fine,” he said stiffly.

“Kei,” he said kindly, “if you ever decide you’re not fine, please come talk to me.”

He went back to his room without answering.

Kei grew taller since the last time he was measured and it was fun to lord that over his much shorter teammates. Hinata yelled in frustration about just how tall he was and attempted to kick Kei in the shin, but he dodged the attack easily. Most of the others grew as well but Kei was still the tallest of the bunch.

In the gym they measured spiking height, so they chalked up their hand before making a running leap and slapping the basketball hoop’s backboard. Kei made a face when he put the chalk on his hand, he didn’t like how it felt on his skin so he was eager to start his run off. Yachi told him that she was ready and he jumped. It felt like flying. Slap. His chalky handprint was in place. Before he checked to see how he compared he tried to wipe the chalk off on his pants.

Hinata handed him a water bottle so he could wash the rest of the chalk away. Kei muttered a thanks.

Kei watched with bated breath when it was Hinata’s turn. He wanted to see how much his height gave him an advantage when it came to spiking. Even though he was almost 26cm (10in) taller than Hinata, their spiking height has a 1cm difference. With Kei coming out on top. He smirked at Hinata who shot him a disgusted face back.

It was nice to win.

It was also nice to win a spot at the Shiratorizawa Training Camp.

It was not nice to see Hinata show up at the training camp uninvited.

Hinata eagerly stood beside him with a big smile on his face, like no one would notice that he wasn’t supposed to be there and he would be able to participate no problem. But Hinata was an absolute moron and it turned out he did think that no one would notice and he would be able to participate.

Kei’s cheeks burned with second-hand embarrassment. They burned hotter when Hinata announced himself as a ball boy. It was going to be a long week.

At the end of the first day Hinata fretted over if he was going to eat enough at dinner without anyone there to watch him. Kindachi and Kunimi snickered behind him and Kei reminded him that he fed himself all the time. Hinata did not look convinced or impressed but he left regardless.

Kindachi laughed about how it must be nice to have someone fret over him. Kei ignored him.

All of the actual members of the training camp were given rooms on campus to stay in, but Hinata was not given such a luxury so he was forced to go home. Exhausted. In the dark. Through a mountain. Kei groaned and wondered if he should have done anything.

The next night he looked even worse than before, so Kei swallowed his pride and his feelings and asked if he could talk to Hinata privately.

Hinata did a double take.

“Don’t do that,” he snapped. He wasn’t asking for anything weird. It wasn’t like he was asking for privacy to confess. Oh no, what if that’s what Hinata thought he was doing.

Hinata lowered his eyes suspiciously, “You’re not going to kill me, are you?”

“I would never do that in a place where people could so easily tie me to your death,” Kei said casually.

Hinata laughed loudly drawing the attention of the other stragglers, “Okay, let’s go. What do you want to talk about?”

When they were a few paces away from everyone else Kei scrunched up his face. He wasn’t sure how to ask the question without sounding weird so he was just going to do it, “Do you want to stay here tonight? Everyone is in their own room but the rooms have bunk beds. And you live so far,” he really wished Hinata would stop him.

Instead Hinata just looked up at him incredulously.

“Say something.”

“Yeah! Thank you!” He jumped up and down, “I’ll just go get something to eat and then come back. Yesterday I called Coach and asked him what I should eat. You should do that too.”

“No thanks,” he began walking towards the cafeteria to get his own dinner, “My room is 206. It’s that building,” he pointed to the building they were adjacent to, “You better not snore.”

Two hours later Hinata was fast asleep on the top bunk (“you take it, you won’t hit your head if you sit up”) and Kei was staring at the bottom of the mattress wondering where he went wrong in life. Hinata wasn’t snoring or anything, but he was existing alone in a room with Kei, and Kei hadn’t figured out how to come to terms with that just yet.

When he first arrived Hinata had been overly grateful and tried to hug him, but Kei expertly side-stepped the potential contact. Hinata made a fake annoyed noise and promised to get his hug one day and Kei silently hoped he would be unconscious or dead when that happened. He was polite enough not to say that outloud.

He thought he would have to make conversation but Hinata let out a huge yawn and apologized through a second one before Kei pushed him to the top bunk with an insult about his height and just like that Hinata was asleep. Kei had hoped that being in the room while Hinata was sleeping would be easier but he didn’t expect to look at the sleeping boy and come to the realization that Hinata was actually really cute.

Kei wanted to deny it but he maybe, sort of, liked Hinata in a more-than-a-friend way. Just thinking it made his heart pound in his chest and the fear that Hinata would hear him made it beat harder.

Just a few more days.

He probably wouldn’t die.

It was hard to concentrate on school when they were so close to Nationals, but finals were creeping up on them as well. The five first-year volleyball club members met daily at lunch to go over their homework and study under the tutelage of Yachi and Kei. The two of them offered very different approaches to learning. Yachi had a very soft touch while Kei ruled with an iron fist.

Their combined effort seemed to get through to the idiot duo though, they were doing better than they had been the rest of the year. Although considering Kei had been tutoring Hinata all year he was a bit offended that it was now he decided to do better. Then again, Hinata kept coming back for more so he must not be a terrible teacher. (But again, it could just be a ruse to continue feeding him.)

The five of them met in Class 4 because Kei and Tadashi were the only ones who shared a class and they could push their desks together for them all to gather around.

Kageyama slammed his hands on Tadashi’s desk, “I don’t get the science homework,” he glared at the paper as if he hoped it would burst into flames.

Yachi gently reached over to take the paper, “Let me look.”

“Haha, Bakayama doesn’t get it,” Hinata laughed too loudly.

“Oh, so you get it?” Kageyama growled.

Hinata shrugged, “I won’t have that class until after lunch.”

“Then don’t call me stupid, dumbass, you don’t even know if you understand it!”

Kei pressed his forehead on his desk, they were so loud. So unnecessarily loud. At least Yachi would take care of them and he wouldn’t have to worry about whatever they got up to.

Yamaguchi nudged him, “Can you help me with my English work?”

“Yes,” he said in English without picking up his head, “What’s the problem?”

“You know I didn’t understand that,” Yamaguchi made a face.

“Wow!” Hinata yelled, momentarily distracted with his argument with Kageyama, “Tsukki you’re so cool!”

He was glad his face was already hidden so he didn’t have to worry about anyone seeing him blush.

Kei stared at the ceiling.

They lost.

It shouldn’t be so surprising. Who is he to believe that they would be the best team in the country? But they got so far and for a moment he actually believed that they could make it. How egotistical of him. He covered his eyes with his forearm and ignored how the wetness spread, he was not the only person shedding tears tonight.

Across a thin wall he could hear Hinata’s heavy breathing, be it from sickness or crying or both- Kei wasn’t sure. Hinata not being able to stand after he had fallen was the beginning of the end for Karasuno. It was unsurprising that Kei fell shortly after. What was the moon without the sun’s light anyway?

Hinata’s breath was ragged and uneven, cutting harshly through the calm air where most of their teammates slept fitfully. Tomorrow afternoon the team bus would drive them all home and Akiteru would pick him up from the school, undoubtedly with a piece of strawberry shortcake, an apology, and a play-by-play of how amazing they did regardless of their loss. For once Kei was actually looking forward to his energy levels.

He wondered if anyone would be there to pick up Hinata or if he was still expected to bike home through the mountains. He’d probably collapse and die and be eaten by actual crows-- he could already see the headline: Young Crow Fails To Fly: Eaten By Brethren.

On the other side of the wall Hinata let out a pathetic sounding cough. No one else stirred. It was annoying to hear him like that and Hinata was anything but weak. Kei sat up and wiped his eyes on his shirt before reaching for his glasses. The movement stirred Yamaguchi on the adjacent futon but Kei whispered something about water and his friend drifted back off to sleep. They had all had a hard day and no one wanted to be awake more than necessary.

Kei rose off the ground, popping his back lightly, and carefully shuffled to the small kitchenette area to pour a class of cool water. But instead of drinking it in the kitchen he quietly walked over to the cordoned off area where Hinata was laying down and slipped inside. When he slid open the wall a sliver of light invaded the dark room and Hinata groaned unhappily.

“Don’t complain,” Kei whispered as he knelt besides his sick teammate, “I brought you some water.” He closed the wall behind him and let darkness take over the room once more.

Hinata sat up and blinked at him blearily, “For me?” he croaked out.

Kei picked up one of Hinata’s hands and placed the glass there, Hinata shivered at the contact, “That’s what I said, idiot,” he scoffed without any malice.

“Don’t bully me, I don’t feel well,” he whined and took a small sip of water. Kei watched as he wet his lips and his throat bobbed. “Thank you.”

He looked away, “Your pathetic coughing was keeping me awake.”

Hinata offered him a small smile anyway, “You’re allowed to be nice.”

“No,” he said after a long moment, “I’m not.”

Hinata shrugged and took a few more sips of the water as Kei stared at the ceiling.

“I’m sorry,” Kei blurted out suddenly, “I couldn’t stay on the court after you left.”

He put the glass down between them, “I thought you couldn’t be nice,” he said weakly, “It’s fine though. I saw on the stream how much you wanted to stay and fight. They wouldn’t let me fight either.” Hinata looked Kei straight in the eye, “We just need to get stronger.”

Kei felt filled with… something. Determination? Affection? He ruffled Hinata’s hair and immediately regretted the action (both because of the contact and because his hair was sweaty with fever), “Go to sleep.”

Hinata sighed gently and nodded.

When they returned back to school class was still in session so everyone got to see them walk off the bus exhausted with tear-stained faces. The banner that congratulated them on getting to Nationals taunted them. A slap in the face would have been a better welcome back.

On the bright side, a portion of the student body really did not pay attention to sports and did not know who they were or what they had just gone through. Those students were much easier to deal with than the ones who told them they did well or gave them pitying looks. Kei wanted to drown in the students whose eyes slipped right by them because their team held nothing of interest. He didn’t want to listen to Michimiya, the captain of the girl’s volleyball team, sniff about how proud she was and how the third years had a great final tournament.

Akiteru hovered by the bus. He wasn’t sure if he should offer to take Kei home or if they needed to go to class like everyone else, even though the latter option seemed like it would be cruel given the circumstances. Kei took him out of his misery by picking up his gym bag and overnight bag and making his way over. Even if they were supposed to go to class he was going to skip.

While he was picking up his bags he noticed Coach Ukai and Takeda-sensei talking quietly to one another. Hinata was still laying down on the back of the bus and they were most likely discussing how to get him home.

“Aki,” he asked hesitantly, rubbing his palms against his pants, “Hinata. He’s. Can we.” He started and stopped his sentence over and over, not sure where he was trying to go.

His brother, for his credit, understood just fine. He nodded, “He got sick at the game. Are his parents not here? We can offer to take him home.”

Kei nodded back once, “I heard Coach talking, they’re not sure what to do.”

“Just leave it to your big brother,” he pounded on his chest with his fist and took off to talk to Ukai.

After a few minutes of back and forth and a quick phone call, presumably to Hinata’s mother, Akiteru and Takeda-sensei were loading Hinata into the back of Aki’s car. The two of them buckled him in but even strapped in he somehow managed to sprawl across the back seat and promptly fall asleep.

“So,” Aki started when Kei slipped into the passenger seat, “Do you know where he lives?”

“In the mountains?”

Aki covered his mouth to stifle a laugh, “Sure, I’ll drive up the mountain and drop him behind the third boulder.”

Kei glared at him, “I’ll find his wallet.”

It took a bit of digging but Kei found his wallet and Hinata’s address which they were lucky showed up on GPS because it turned out Hinata wasn’t kidding when he said he lived in the mountains.

“You’re a good friend, Kei,” Aki said after they were most of the way there.

He watched the trees go by and muttered out “No, I’m not.”

The year wasn’t over just because volleyball was over. (Although, volleyball wasn’t over-over. They needed to figure out how they were going to work as a team without the third years and transition the captainship to Ennoshita. Their Nationals visit will most likely get them a good crop of first-years and that was something to worry about too…)

More importantly though, finals were coming up. They had more free time and that meant more time to dedicate to classwork and studying.

The five of them piled into Class 4 to study during lunch when Hinata cleared his throat and stood up.

“I have an announcement,” he put his hand on his hips and waited for everyone to look at him.

Kageyama didn’t look up, “If you need to use the bathroom, just go,” he motioned towards the door.

He leaned over and flicked Kageyama’s forehead, “I don’t need to use the bathroom, Bakayama! I have something to say, so listen to me!”

“We’re listening, Hinata,” Yachi smiled at him.

Hinata beamed at her and turned his attention to the rest of the group, “After high school I’m going to play beach volleyball.”

There was a long, uncomfortable silence before Kageyama burst out laughing and Yamaguchi asked, “Huh? Why?”

This obviously wasn’t going the way Hinata thought it was going to go, although who knew what he expected, “For training,” he complained, “it’s for training! I’m not giving up on indoor.”

“Where are you expecting to play beach volleyball?” Kei finally spoke up.

Hinata sat down again, “I don’t know yet. I talked to Coach Ukai and he said he knew a few people to ask about it but it probably won’t be in Japan.”

Yamaguchi looked surprised, “You’re going to leave the country?”

“Probably!” he smiled, “But not for a while and I’ll definitely keep in touch. It won’t be that easy to get rid of me!”

Hinata turned down a last minute cram session with Yachi, Kageyama, and Yamaguchi to study with Kei at his house instead. His excuse was that he wanted help with English and math, both of which Kei was very good at, while Yachi and the others were going to be focusing on Japanese Literature and science. Kei was a little bit suspicious because over the year Hinata had gotten very good at English, better than Yamaguchi even, but he didn’t bring it up.

They started as usual, with Hinata raiding the Tsukishima kitchen to put together some type of snack from whatever groceries Akiteru bought for the week. It was nice to watch Hinata work in his kitchen like he belonged there. He was only making eggs on rice, apparently one of his favorites, but he concentrated like he was working in a professional kitchen.

When the rice was cooked they took their food into Kei’s room so they could start their last study session of the year.

“Should we start with English?” he asked in English.

Hinata grinned up at him around a mouthful of rice, “Yes. English first.”

Kei snorted and switched languages again, “Are you sure you need help with English? You’ve gotten pretty good.”

He lit up, “Is Tsukishima Kei complimenting me?”

“No,” he said too quickly.

Hinata laughed, “I still need help with what order words go in and you’re still the best in English.”

Kei pushed his glasses up his nose so he could hide his expression, “Let’s just get started, it’s grammar you’re having trouble with?” He took a deep breath and started lecturing on subjects and verbs and nouns and adjectives. Hinata nodded along and occasionally.

“So if I say,” Hinata brought the pencil to his lips, “‘I play volleyball’ then ‘I’ is a pronoun, ‘play’ is a verb, and ‘volleyball’ is a noun. Right?”

Hinata stared up at him waiting for a response. Kei just blinked at him. His answer was right but hearing him sound so smart filled his chest with affection. He taught this volleyball idiot something. Sure, he was still talking about volleyball, but-- Kei nodded.

“Good!” he grinned, “What if I say ‘I am going to win.” Then--”

Kei leaned over and kissed him.

Fuck. He didn’t mean to. He really didn’t mean to. His body just moved on its own. He felt like the world froze. What exactly had he done? What exactly was he doing? Hinata just shined so brightly that Kei was drawn to him like a moth to a flame. Now was not the time to be getting poetic. He had to do something other than sit there with his lips pressed to Hinata’s. This was not one of those situations where if he didn’t move maybe he wouldn’t notice what was going on.

His lips did feel nice though. Oh god, it wasn’t the time for that either. He needed to move.

Hinata gasped quietly beneath him and set the world in motion again. He tried to back up and get away from him, although where he could escape to he wasn’t too sure, but Hinata roughly grabbed the front of Kei’s shirt to hold him still and sat himself in Kei’s lap to kiss him again.

That… was not what he was expecting. He wasn’t expecting anything because he didn’t plan any of this but when you accidentally kiss someone you’re working very hard on pretending to have no interest in you don’t expect them to kiss you back. He’s probably dreaming. Exam stress was getting to him and his brain was betraying him in a new and exciting way and he was dreaming.

Kei chuckled into the kiss and Hinata pulled away just slightly.

“Why are you laughing?” he asked, a bit offended.

This most definitely was not happening so he captured Hinata’s lips in another quick kiss, “Why are you kissing me?”

Hinata looked flabbergasted, “You keep kissing me!”

“But you kissed back. Why?”

“Tsukki,” he started condescendingly, “you’re not that dumb. I’m kissing you because I like you!” In an amazing turn of events Hinata managed to say that without turning red.

Kei shook his head, “No you don’t,” he said confidentially. As an afterthought he added, “and don’t call me that.”

Hinata nodded, “Right, right, if we’re on kissing terms I should call you Kei.”

That, on the other hand, was enough to make both of them blush. Hinata hid his face in Kei’s shoulder but Kei tangled his hand in his hair, bringing about another round of blushing. “I’m pretty sure this isn’t real,” he said, stroking his hair, “Shoyou.”

Hinata shot back and glared at him, blush still high on his cheeks, “Why can you like me but I can’t like you?”

Kei froze again. He didn’t. This was nice, comfortable even, but it wasn’t right. “I’m not. I don’t.” he stuttered, “Don’t you like Shimizu-senpai?”

Confusion was clear on Shoyou’s-- Hinata’s face, he didn’t know what that had to do with anything, “She’s very pretty? Like, really pretty. But you’re also really pretty. Handsome. Whatever. I don’t like her though.”

“I don’t like you,” he said weakly. It may have been more convincing if he hadn’t let Hinata stay in his lap and he didn’t still have a hand in his hair.

“I don’t believe you,” his eyes were filled with that fiery determination that was usually reserved for the court.

Hinata grabbed the back of Kei’s neck and pulled him in for a fierce kiss, much different from the small pecks they exchanged before. He moved fast, tilting Kei’s head to deepen the kiss and opening his mouth slightly to lick along Kei’s lower lip.

As much as he protested beforehand, Kei didn’t sit there passively. He pulled Hinata closer by his grip on his hair and eagerly kissed him back. It was sloppy and there was a touch too much saliva but Hinata’s lips were plump and just felt so nice.

When Hinata pulled back Kei whined-- actually whined, something he would feel embarrassed about later-- but Hinata looked him square in the eye with that challenging look of his and went, “You don’t like me, huh?”

Kei looked away, “I’m not gay.” That was the first time he ever said the word out loud.

“Is that what this is about? You don’t have to be. I’m bisexual.”

“I’m not that either.”

Hinata frowned and cupped Kei’s cheek to make him look at him, “It’s okay if you are. I don’t know what anyone told you or if someone did something but--”

Kei cut him off, “Stop. Please,” he begged, his tone clearly pleading with him to stop.

Hinata chewed on his lower lip, “Kei, I’m going to ask one more time. Do you like me? Do you want to go out?” he hesitated for a moment, “if you’re uncomfortable we don’t have to say anything about it.”

“No,” he lied quietly.

In a moment, he was alone.