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“Kylo?” she reached out to him as she curled up on the floor in her bathroom. Her mind and body are broken. She was afraid, she needed him. She would give anything to have his arms around her right now, just so she could disappear. Maybe if she got lucky the floor would open up and swallow her.
“Starlight?” his voice sounded worn and distant. He had been searching tirelessly for the Scavenger girl and Skywalker, Snoke was growing more impatient, annoyed with him and his inner struggle with the Light was tearing apart his soul. She choked back a sob at the sound of his voice, the way he spoke her nickname. It was a sound he didn’t miss no matter how she tried to disguise it.
He was sitting back in his bed ready to sleep, but the broken sob from her throat had him quickly on alert.
“What’s wrong?” He tried to keep his voice soft but his tone was laced with growing rage. She shook her head unable to form the words. “He...hurt me. It hurt so much.” She cried, she let her mental walls break down, he pushed into her mind tearing through her memories from the night before. How her husband hurt her while drunk and angry.
Kylo felt the most white hot anger of his life, his eyes flashed orange and the whites bleeding red as he tried to process and purge the thoughts, the trauma, he felt her pain like it was his own and he nearly voided the contents of his stomach at the intensity.
“Was it my fault?” she asked quietly, tracing the patterns on her bathroom tile. Through the bond she felt the edges of his rage, she felt as it coursed through his veins, every fiber of his being. He took a shaky breath as he stood from his bed. “No Starlight. It’s not your fault. He is a pathetic waste of space, he deserves to die.”
The rest of the night he calmed her mind, offering soothing words and images all the while he soothed his own soul. He chose to follow a lead on Resistance sympathizers who may hold information of a new base. He left no survivors. Every flash of her husband above her, breaking her, violating her meant a slice of his saber, another life snuffed out. He screamed loudly, his Force shattering lights and cracking buildings around him, he sunk to his knees and held his helmet covered head.
In that moment he needed to find her, not because of her force sensitivity but because he was starting to feel for her. It confused and enraged him that even without seeing her in person, without touching her she had wriggled her way under his skin, he thought about her constantly and he felt pangs of loneliness when her voice was absent from his mind, she was always in his dreams.
He was ready to put her from his mind, break the connection and eliminate her hold on him but the sound of her so broken had drawn him back in and the anger he felt made him feel more powerful than he had ever had before. He started to crave that power, that feeling drawn from the need to protect her.
Snoke had noticed the sudden surge in his power. He was pleased, thinking him murdering Han had done some good afterall, finally severing that tie to the Light. Kylo had half a mind to kill him then but it wasn’t the right time, but he knew it had to be done if he was going to bring her to his side. He had to prepare, plan, and then carefully execute that plan. He needed to ensure his Knight’s loyalty as well as keep the Order beneath his heel.
***
Over the next months he didn’t stop, he let the hatred for her husband and her pain become his anchor. His tie to the Darkside. It only grew when she found out she was pregnant and that he had left her, broken her and tossed her aside. While that certainly made it easier for her to be with him, not that it mattered anyways. She was his. ‘His?’ he huffed in his own mind. The fact that his prey was slipping through his fingers ate at him, he searched all he could but it seemed that the man had just vanished, went off world and as much as he wanted to pursue him it wasn’t currently worth the time, not presently anyways.
It was nearly time to strike, he was stronger and the Scavenger was dumb enough to believe she was beginning to turn him, she was vital in his plot to kill Snoke. What he needed to do now was bring his Starlight home. He scoffed, home, having her close when the time came, he needed to truly feel her before he tore his life apart for her, before he truly ascended.
“Starlight, I need you to do exactly what I say without question. Do you understand?”
She raised a brow, she had just got home from an appointment to check on the baby. She set her bag aside then spoke back to him through their bond.
“Is everything alright?” She sounded concerned, unsure.
“Just listen.” He was already on edge, she wasn’t helping to ease his anger.
“O-okay.” She sat on the couch, she was anxious now as she rubbed her rounded belly with shaking hands.
“Be ready, I am coming to get you. I will keep you and the baby safe.”
She furrowed her brows, his tone was stern and laced with desperation. She didn’t understand.
“Kylo the baby isn’t yours. Why do you want us...to help us?” her voice was barely a whisper in his mind. He groaned loudly and slammed his helmet into the lift wall over and over again, denting the metal and causing sparks to fly. Her question annoyed him, she just needed to listen, he needed her to listen.
“You have somehow become a part of me… and through you, the child. I don’t understand the feeling, these feelings. All I know is I need to make you safe.”
She sniffled, she knew that her child would be an outcast, they would all know and speak ill of them. Of Kylo, of their relationship and his choice to have her with him and her child. “People would know, would never accept-” he growled this time cutting her off. He was falling apart as he stormed through the halls of the Finalizer, he was grasping at straws, his anger and desperation growing with each step.
“Kriff Starlight, I do not care. Anyone who questions me, questions us, or speaks ill of the child will die.” His voice was thick with countless emotions. All he knew was that he needed them. A pause passed between them, he was boarding his Command Shuttle when she finally spoke.
“What do I need to do?”
He let out a relieved sigh for a moment he thought she was going to refuse him. “Just pack anything you want to keep. I will be there tonight, be comfortable and ready to travel.”
She nodded “Okay.” she lifted herself from the couch, she was afraid, not of him but of what their future holds. The uncertainty. She was five months pregnant now. She was afraid of giving birth, of being a mother, of not being good enough. After learning about Kylo’s family history her fear festered. She looked around her home, trying to figure out what she could possibly want or need to take. She grabbed all of the pictures from all of her scans as well as the envelope from today’s appointment. She set them on the small coffee table then grabbed her favorite sweater setting it gently next to the pictures. She had some time before sunset so she chose to take a nice long bath. She needed to relax and soothe her aches.
It didn’t take him long to get to Canto Bight, each hour made his heart pound harder, he was a man possessed. All he wanted to do was bury his face into her neck, just behind her ear, inhale her scent and never let go. He landed on the beach near the man made ocean, the shiny jewel of the city. It was beautiful, the city lights shimmered on the water. He closed his eyes and focused on her force signature using it as a guide to find her. He really should have had her meet him at the beach, too many people were in the streets and even though he was alone it drew too much attention to himself. He was in his full outfit, including his helm. He was the well known, feared Commander of the First Order. He scowled at his own stupidity and impatience.
She made him this way, too hasty in his decisions. He winded down long alleys until he found her door. He didn’t knock, just threw it open with force. She was in the living room swaying back and forth cradling her stomach as she sang softly. She felt him approach so when the door opened with a slam she wasn’t afraid. He stopped in his tracks as he heard her sweet voice and hair tumbling down her back. He was enamored by her, entranced. He felt all of his anger wash away and be replaced with peace, a warmth deep in his chest. He had no control over how she made him feel. No matter how he tried to fight it he always failed.
He walked up behind her and gently rested his hand over hers on her belly.
“How are you both?” His vocoder disguising the soft edge of his voice. She hummed and looked over her shoulder at him.
“We are well Kylo.”
She was ready to get off this kriffing planet, this desert waste land that was only tolerable because of Canto Bight, which was beautiful for visits but for her it lost its appeal quickly. He turned her to face him and he got down on his knees in front of her. He was still at eye level with her but he ran both of his hands along her stomach, he was in awe by the rounded flesh.
“Are we going to the Finalizer?” he pressed his masked forehead to her belly then shook his head, almost like he could have been nuzzling it. He held himself there for a moment focusing on the baby’s life force, letting it wash over him. He glowered inwardly at his reaction. The feelings became worse now that he was there with them, and by connecting with the baby briefly through the force. She was looking down at him with her hands clasped behind her back. She was afraid that if she touched him it would break the spell.
She chewed her lip then asked softly. “Where are we going then?”
His head snapped up and away from her stomach. He stood back to his full height which caused her to shrink back slightly, her head craning all the way up so she could maintain eye contact with his visor. He was intense and intimidating. She couldn’t see his eyes and she didn’t know if that was better or worse. His force signature danced around hers, nearly consuming it.
“You and the baby are going to Naboo, I will take you to the lake house in the country. I have..” he trailed off and she paused then finished for him.
“You have things to do.” She rested her hand on his forearm, he stiffed a bit at the contact, not used to having people touching him, let alone so unphased. She thought nothing of it, she just wanted to comfort him. She pulled away sensing his discomfort as he silently stared at her hand on him. He coughed then spoke.
“Yes, things to do.”
He looked around trying to find a bag, his fists clenched and unclenched at his sides. She followed his gaze around the house and mumbled. “I’d like to leave it all behind. There's nothing I wanted to take, just these.”
She lifted the ultrasound pictures awkwardly then pulled them to her chest. He considered her for a moment then gave a curt nod then walked out the door without another word.
He led her quickly back to the Command Shuttle, trying to avoid main streets, he couldn’t have anyone seeing her with him, especially in her current condition. She was nearly doubled over gasping for breath as they reached their destination. He opened the ramp and watched smugly as she caught her breath.
“You okay there Starlight?”
She shot up, narrowing her eyes at him with a slight pout on her lips.
“It’s not my fault you have rudely long legs.”
He scrunched his nose beneath his mask at her insult. He nodded towards the shuttle.
“Come on.”
He commanded. She rolled her eyes at his back then followed him up the ramp. The flight to Naboo was quiet, she was content to look out the window. The sun was going down when they landed. She was floored at the sight before her. The house was more like a castle nestled on a cliffside and a lake. Kylo was heading inside when he noticed she wasn’t following. He turned back to watch as she pressed against the railing of the stairs looking over the water. He pulled off his helm, carrying it under his arm walking over to her, he settled his free hand on her lower back.
“It’s beautiful isn't it?” She asked him, her eyes never leaving the water. He peered down at her, the sun shown against her hair, casting various hues in the light. He hummed softly then replied.
“Yes beautiful. Come on inside.” He took a step away, offering her his hand, she took it without hesitation, smiling up at him, she was happy he took off the mask. She was finally able to see his deep brown eyes and all of the emotion there. For a man who kept an emotionless expression his eyes always gave him away, at least with her.
When they came inside he led her to a balcony that looked out over the water, a small table set up for them.
“This place is called Varykino, my grandparents got married here.” He said softly as he sat down, she sat across from him as he set his helm on the table.
“Sta-” He started. She looked up at him.
“Are you staying tonight? It’s already getting dark.”
She gestured to the sky, the sun was fully down and the stars were beginning to light the sky. He sighed.
“I really shouldn’t. They have already noticed I am gone.”
Her lips dropped to a frown as she tried to hide her disappointment. He pinched the bridge of his nose with a gloved hand. Hux had already been calling, demanding to know why he was on Naboo and that the Supreme Leader would most certainly learn about his little trip.
He really should just leave, but he couldn’t ignore her sadness. Kicking himself mentally he sighed out.
“Only tonight.” He stood and walked over to her. She looked up at him smiling brightly, then flushed as he traced her lower lip with his thumb.
“Only tonight, Starlight. Then I have to leave first thing.”
She nodded in understanding, barely processing his words, her focus primarily on his thumb tracing her lip. He smirked down at her giving her cheek a gentle caress before sitting back down in his seat. He sat back watching her as she ate, a glass of whisky in his hand, legs sprawled completely relaxed and content in their shared silence.
He laid in her bed with her after she asked him for the second time that night to stay. He rested briefly. He spent most of the night watching her sleep next to him, a sight he could get used too. He brushed her hair away from her face, causing her to stir and open her eyes. She smiled sleepily at him. He ran his index finger down her cheek and told her to go back to sleep. He moved his hand to her stomach and stroked it. The life growing inside of her called to him, it was like a sweet song. He nestled behind her and rested his face on her shoulder allowing himself to doze again.
They woke early and he ate with her the next morning. He showed her her new closet briefly. It was filled with various loose gowns that would accommodate her growing belly. He introduced her to her personal droid, he had brought it from the Finalizer, it was there to help her, keep up on her medical condition as well as keep her company.
“I need you to stay inside while I am not here. The Resistance doesn’t know about you two, but we cannot take any chances. If they find out, they will take you away and try to use you against me.”
She looked up at him, knowing this was her future, her baby’s future now. She was afraid, she had no idea what would happen to Kylo while he was away, and what her future held. She could sense he felt something, but whenever he spoke he was surrounded by an air of indifference.
He tried to keep his tone flat and cold. His eyes always met hers with caution, confusion and anger, with brief flashes of what she wanted to call affection. He shared moments of tenderness that made her head spin, but they were so brief that sometimes she wondered if they really happened.
“How long will you be away?” What she really wanted to ask him was would he be coming back. She looked at the stone tiles beneath her feet.
He didn’t need to hear the words to know what she really meant. He could sense her anxiety at being here without him. He wished he could give her a solid answer, to soothe her fears but he couldn’t.
“I don’t know Starlight. What I am about to do, it’s dangerous. There will be fallout and I will need to be there to pick up the pieces.”
“I don’t know if I will be strong enough to have the baby on my own..I am having terrible nightmares.”
She admitted quietly. He knew about them, he saw them, they woke him in the middle of the night. They were like the ones his grandfather used to get about his grandmother Padmé. He leaned down and pressed his forehead to hers, his hand holding tight to the back of her neck, his free hand resting on the side of her stomach. He pulled back then lightly pressed his lips against hers. When he pulled away he kept her gaze locked with his, his deep brown eyes filled with promise and determination.
“I will not allow the things in your dreams to come true. I will be back in time to be with you. I won’t miss it.” He said firmly. She rested her hand over his and gently squeezed it. She still didn’t understand why he was doing all of this for her, for her ba- “Our baby, Starlight.”
He hissed cutting off her train of thought, his tone caused her to jump. Her constant second guessing his choice and motives kept him on edge. He tried to reign in that frustration but it was hard, he wasn’t used to people, beyond Hux, constantly questioning him. At the same time, she wasn’t wrong. He didn’t know what was possessing him to do this.
He should just leave them behind, never look back. The thought made his stomach turn. He growled then pulled away abruptly, he couldn’t linger any longer. He had wasted enough time as it is. He didn’t say anything as he turned from her to head back to the shuttle. She frowned at the envelope in her hands, she had brought with her to say goodbye. She thought that he might want a reminder, not just of her, but of them. She fiddled with the sealed edge before running across the airfield after him.
“Kylo wait!”
She yelled but he didn’t stop. He couldn’t stop, he knew that if he turned and looked at her face again he wouldn’t be able to leave her side, and then they would never be safe. The ramp opened and he started going up it, his heavy steps echoed through the cockpit.
“ Kylo, please wait.”
She pleaded, her tone hurt and desperate. He paused but didn’t turn towards her. He heard her soft steps approaching him before she carefully grabbed his large clenched fist from his side pulling it backwards to her. The worn leather was stretched across his knuckles, she brushed her thumb over each one before coaxing it open. When it was flat she pressed the square, white envelope into his hand. He took a deep breath as he closed his fist around it, enough to keep a hold on it, but not enough to crush it. He brought his hand back around to his front opening his fingers to look at what she placed there.
“Just in case you wanted to know.” She said quietly as she turned away and went back to the house. He looked at her over his shoulder for a split second before closing the ramp behind him. He walked towards the console, setting the envelope down on the co-pilot's seat then took his own. He flipped a few switches as her voice started to echo in his head ‘Just in case you wanted to know.’ He groaned loudly then wasted no time taking off and setting course for the Finalizer. Once he set up the autopilot he spun in his chair, his heart pounding in his chest as he stared down the paper in the seat diagonal to his. He sneered at it, like he was offended by its presence. But it wasn’t that. It was his reaction to it, to the whole situation which caused him such discomfort. He sat back and crossed one leg over the other, his ankle resting on his opposite knee, he laid back in the chair, his arms resting on the armrests.
Tap, tap, tap.
His gloved finger tapped against the metal arm of the chair.
Tap, tap, tap.
The longer he tapped, the longer he stared, the more he got frustrated by his pounding heart and budding curiosity. He tched in annoyance and with a flick of his index and middle finger the offending object flew across the cabin and landed softly near the refresher door. He turned back around then stared into the nothingness of space. His anger was stewing as the minutes turned into hours, every now and then he would glance back at the envelope, which just made his scowl deeper. He will not look, he crosses his arms and huffs. He will put it out of his mind. He nearly breathed a sigh of relief when he heard the call from the Finalzer’s command center.
“Commander, you are cleared for landing in Hangar 7. Please proceed.”
He leaned forward flipping the switches to lower the landing gear and grabbed the steering unit in front of him guiding the shuttle into the bay. He cut the engines and turned away from the console to open the ramp. He looked down at the envelope on the ground, he had half a mind to leave it behind but he knew that his plan would be unraveled if it was discovered which would most certainly result in hers and the baby’s death at his hand, which he knew Snoke would command. He hoped he would be strong enough to refuse if that were to come to pass but he didn’t want to take the chance.
He slammed his fist into the door of the refresher then bent to scoop it up from the floor. He examined it again before lifting his cowl and partially unzipping his outer layer and slipped it inside, subconsciously placing it over his heart before zipping back up and opening the ramp. He stepped out with quick and determined steps, easily pushing past a very angry, red faced General Hux tuning out his incessant ramblings.
He just wanted to meditate, he was overwhelmed with forgien emotions and he needed to center himself before facing Snoke. He stormed through the halls, pushing people out of his way with the Force if they didn’t move fast enough for his liking. He pressed the button for the lift hard again and again, even though he knew that wouldn’t make it come any faster. He commanded everyone to clear out so he could be alone. Once the door closed he paced around in a tight circle like a caged animal.
Once he made it to his chambers he locked the door with the Force as he took off his helm and strode into the large living room, in the center was a pedestal that housed a bed of ashes, a mix of Vader’s and those of his enemies. He set his helm in it roughly, letting out a satisfied sigh as a cloud of ash kicked up into the air. His gloves went next, carelessly discarded on the ground along with his cowl and outer tunic. The stupid envelope fluttered off his chest and down to the floor between his feet. He groaned, running his hands down his face before kicking the chair nearest to him, sending it flying into the wall near his bedroom. He clasped his hands behind his back walking circles around the paper on the floor. It was a stupid piece of paper, he continued to tell himself that he was weak, he shouldn’t be so bothered by it. Then he realized it wasn’t the paper itself, but what it meant for his future.
His choice, his new path, all started by a small woman and their force bond. He was more like Vader than he cared to admit at this moment, normally the thought would bring him what he could possibly consider as joy, but he was making himself weak over a woman, much like Vader had. He sat down on the floor with the envelope in front of him.
‘Just one look.’ He said to himself. ‘One look then burn it, bury it deep inside and never think of it again till this is all over.’
He picked it up looking it over intently. Nothing was printed on the outside, it was just a small unassuming envelope. He turned it over and saw an edge slightly unsealed from her anxious picking. He thought back to her words again. ‘Just in case you wanted to know.’ He scoffed, know what? He had looked at some of the pictures she brought last night and they annoyed him because they looked like a tiny bean rather than a growing child.
His fingers trembled as he broke the rest of the seal and took out the contents, tossing the envelope carelessly to the side. First he was met with a piece of paper that read ‘Boy’. His brows creased when he realized what her words meant. She didn’t know, but she wanted him too, she thought he would want to know. He set the paper aside and his breath caught in his throat when he saw the black and white pictures in his hand. In the first picture the baby looked like...well a baby. It was a side view and he could see it- his whole body. He brought it closer to his eyes, he could see the spine and the growing bones in his legs and arms. He set that one down then studied another, this one was a close up profile view of his face. Kylo lightly traced the edge of the baby’s nose. He did this over and over as he looked through all of the pictures.
Eventually they were all laid out in front of him and he just stared at them. This is what he was tearing his life apart for, this tiny innocent being. He gathered them all strolling into his kitchen and lit the stove. He burned the envelope first, followed by the paper that said boy. Next he burned each picture, as each one turned to ash, he felt a stab to his heart. He couldn’t keep them, he couldn’t risk them being found. His eyes threatened to spill tears as he reached the final picture, it was the close up of the baby’s face. He was trembling as he brought the edge to the flames.
He watched for a moment then let out a roar, he slammed it onto the counter and used the palm of his hand to put out the flame, hissing lightly at the sting of the heat. He pulled back and looked down at it again, he managed to put the fire out before it reached the baby’s face. He turned off the stove and brushed the ashes into his hand then grabbed the slightly burned picture. He dumped the ashes into the pile that he helm was on. He rubbed the excess on his thigh then turned to go into his room. He set down the picture on his nightstand then set his lightsaber on top of it.
As he looked down at the two items he realized how symbolic it was. Symbolic of his future, a view into the rest of his life if he succeeded. His saber would always be in front, protecting her son who he now claimed as his own. He would not fail, he could not fail. He shook his head, brushing away the warmth building in his chest, closing the door to his refresher behind him.
He looked at himself in the mirror then carefully pushed into her mind, he whispered “Thank you.” then closed the bridge. It pained him to do so, but he couldn’t afford any distractions if they were to survive.