Chapter Text
Look in thy glass, and tell the face thou viewest
Now is the time that face should form another;
Whose fresh repair if now thou not renewest,
Thou dost beguile the world, unbless some mother,
For where is she so fair whose unear’d womb
Disdains the tillage of thy husbandry?
Or who is he so fond will be the tomb
Of his self-love, to stop posterity?
Thou art thy mother’s glass, and she in thee
Calls back the lovely April of her prime:
So thou through windows of thine age shall see
Despite of wrinkles this thy golden time.
But if thou live, remember’d not to be,
Die single, and thine image dies with thee.
Sonnet 3, William Shakespeare
Part 1 Manchester, 1895
For two years, since her father’s death, Katniss and her family had struggled to keep a roof over their heads and food on the table. Her mother had only recently shown any recovery from the dark grief that had plunged her into the shell of a person. Despite her anger at her mother for leaving it up to her seventeen year old daughter to do what she could to keep them alive, Katniss nevertheless couldn’t help feeling slight relief that at least with her mother beginning to recover, that she would no longer need to be the only one working to earn their keep. Her mother was a healer. She could get a job working in the local hospital again.
At ten years old, her sister Primrose was still far too young to be sent to work.
She was also far too young to be a victim of pneumonia. It had gripped her unexpectedly that winter, and showed no signs of letting go. While her mother did what she could with the basic supplies of natural remedies she kept in their small pantry, Katniss knew they needed a miracle. They needed money.
But Katniss could not physically work any more hours than she had been. As it was, she was lucky to get three hours of sleep a night. And in the town that they lived, working in the cotton mill was the best wage someone of her status could hope to have.
Salvation came in the form of paper; a square no larger than the palm of Prim’s hand. It was an advertisement in the newspaper; she often picked up discarded papers to take home as kindling for their fireplace. Somehow despite all the odds, this advert had caught her eye.
It asked for healthy unmarried ladies with manners, between the ages of 16-21, who were available to give up a year of their time for a job opportunity with generous payment. Enquiries were to be sent to a Ms Trinket within the week, including a photograph of themselves.
Katniss had rushed her letter to the post office that very afternoon. It was how she found herself three days later being taken by carriage to a local small town outside of Manchester. Katniss had been hastily led to a dark drawing room of a small country inn the moment her feet had touched the ground from the carriage.
The blinds were drawn, a single lantern which stood on a centre table was the only source of light in the room. Its flame flickered across the face of a well dressed yet slightly over the top woman of around forty years old, who sat at the table reading a few different letters, and studying various black and white photographs strewn in front of her. The woman seemed to sense her presence, and quickly welcomed her to sit down at the chair across from her. As she introduced herself as Effie Trinket, Katniss tried not to stare at the woman’s hair, which upon closer inspection, was not grey-blonde as she had originally thought, but seemed to hold twinges of red. Or was that the candle flame giving it that effect in such a small room?
It was when Ms Trinket began to tilt her head and stare at her, analysing her for a little too long, that Katniss tried to avert her gaze by sweeping the room of additional details. The usual coaching pictures hung on the walls, the fireplace stood unlit to their left, but with partially burnt wood still glowing resin parts, that led her to believe someone had recently extinguished the fire shortly after burning it.
Next to the fire, she noticed a folding screen had been placed, the kind better suited for a ladies’ parlour room. She thought she saw a flash of piercing blue eyes through one of the joins, but it was too brief for her to be sure.
The voice of Ms Trinket cut through her thoughts. She had asked her a little of her background at first; why she had applied for the role, what she did for a living, her family situation and so on. Katniss’ answers seemed to please her for the most part, and generally it had seemed fairly normal at first. No doubt the position was for the role of a governess, or live in housekeeper for a fixed term.
And then the questions became more personal. What family illnesses did she know of, was she being courted by anyone, was her maidenhead intact? How frequent were her monthly cycles?
How well could she keep a secret?
Before Katniss had a chance to ask why she needed to know these things, Ms Trinket began to explain. She worked for a wealthy noble family in Norfolk, a husband and wife who married five years prior but had not been able to have children. This was mostly due to the health of the wife, who had declined so much in recent months that doctors feared it was only a matter of time before she would no longer be for this world. The husband was desperate for a child, an heir to pass the family estate onto. As he was the last surviving member of the fortune, it did not matter if it was a girl or boy.
They were therefore looking for a woman who was prepared to give birth to an heir, and more importantly, give the child up as soon as it was born. She would need to sign a contract silencing her to the deed, and for the nine months of pregnancy would need to be kept away from the public eye, at the gentleman’s expense. Ms Trinket would largely be taking care of whoever took on the task, making sure the woman would want for nothing until the birth. To get pregnant, she would need to spend three nights alone with the gentleman (she was not allowed to know his name in order to protect them both) and that this would be arranged in a hotel far enough away that the risk of being recognised was very little to either one of them.
It took a few moments for it all to sink in for Katniss. It was not the thought of giving up a child that put her slightly at ease; truth be told she had never been interested in the thought of having children, so she did not see a problem in giving one up. And the amount being offered was enough to not only see to Prim’s medical bills, but to keep them all relatively comfortable for at least a few more years if they were careful with the money.
So when she was asked if she had any questions, Katniss replied with only one. The gentleman had clearly seen her face; requesting a photograph now made complete sense to her. She asked that she be allowed to see the man of whom she would be expected to do this with. Truth be told, she didn’t really feel she needed to, but she suspected they were not the only two people in the room, and she felt slightly angry at the deception.
Her suspicions were confirmed when a shadow began to move around the other side of the screen. Stepping out was a man not much taller than her, but with broad shoulders, golden blonde hair that caught the candlelight just so, and those eyes that were so blue Katniss found herself needing to look away from his stare. She had no made acquaintances with many men in her time, but she could see he was very attractive.
Ms Trinket was in the middle of telling Katniss that they would be in touch when he spoke for the first time. “Katniss will be more than suitable Effie.”She caught his eye again, raising an eyebrow. “If she agrees, that is.”
Until he had stepped out from behind that screen, she had no idea what her answer would actually be. But the moment she saw him and heard him speak, she knew she would agree. There was just something about him.
She signed the paperwork, shook Effie’s hand, and returned to the carriage to await the next step.
There was no going back.
xxx
She was sent to a hotel in the Lake District, a beautiful property that overlooked the water. They had arrived on the same train, but travelled separately. She knew she needed to keep her room unlocked, and he would make his way to her shortly after she retired following dinner. The days were for her to spend as she pleased. She decided to stay in her room until dinner was served downstairs; the time alone was well needed for her.
Dinner was uneventful, but the food was of a luxury she had never before had. Her nerves prevented her from eating too much, and when the clock struck nine, she settled her knife and fork down, and went to await his arrival.
The first time had been brief and awkward and for her, not without discomfort. He had asked her if she needed any drink or refreshment beforehand, to which she refused. The swift brandy he poured for himself betrayed his own nerves.
A part of her was glad when they finally got down to it. She had to remove her corset and skirts to give him a signal she was ready to proceed; he clearly was far too much of a gentleman to initiate it, even though they both knew he was the reason they were in that room together in the first place. She had lain down on the bed, arms by her side, as he climbed on top of her. Very few clothes were shed, only the necessary areas laid bare. IT had been awkward and uncomfortable at first when he entered her, but he went slow, and apologised and paused whenever he felt she needed to. Finally, growing as used to him as she felt she could be, she gave a small nod which thankfully he picked up on, even if they could not look each other in the eyes. Clearly, he felt a similar guilt as she did in doing this.
The lights had been extinguished, with only a faint red glow emanating from the fireplace. Katniss had stared at the way the firelight danced across the ceiling, while he moved over her and in her. She had been surprised to find that she could hear the dry fizzle of the crackling wood far more than any noises coming from the blonde haired man, despite his mouth being millimetres from her ear. His breath left goosebumps down her shoulder.
It wasn’t long before he finished, and it was over. With a sudden surge of pace, and a quiet groan, she had felt it and knew there was definitely no going back. Strangely, she expected to feel different somehow. Aside from the guilt she had felt in the first place, and the slight soreness between her legs, she still felt pretty much the same. There was almost relief in fact; that she had done it, that he was gentle, and that next time it would no doubt be a little easier now they knew what they were in for. Two more nights they had to spend together in the hotel, before they were to part ways. And if it did not work for this month, and Katniss had her usual monthly cycle, they would need to meet again. So she was determined to do everything she could to do this right.
xxx
He had left her room that same night, as soon as he was dressed. And so it was that at sunrise, she found herself entering the hotel restaurant under the guise of a single traveller. It was deemed by all involved that it was safer this way than to pretend to be husband and wife; if by any misfortune someone were to recognise either one of them, it was far easier to explain being there individually than it was to be seen together.
She had been the first guest to attend the breakfast sitting, and was just pouring herself a second cup of tea when he entered the room. Her eyes were drawn to his instantly before she could help herself. Her face flamed red at the image of him above her on her bed, and she quickly glanced around to make sure no one had seen their interaction before returning to her breakfast. He chose a table across the room; it make her feel relieved and lonely at the same time.
That afternoon, she decided to walk around the shore of the lake in front of the hotel. Katniss had been skimming stones across the water for some time when she felt his presence. His steps crunched loudly on the stone shore as he approached. She continued to throw stones.
Eventually he joined her. They stood in mutually calm silence, taking in their surroundings, not wanting to spoil the tranquility of it all. The Sun, being winter, had already begun to set, casting a soft orange-red glow across the lake. She knew he was probably there to apologise, but she was not interested in it. She knew what she had gotten herself into.
Instead, he surprised her by talking about his family. They weren’t allowed to give names or details, it was a part of the agreement, but he spoke of how he would skim stones with his brothers in summer at their family lake. How his father liked to paint, and taught him how. How when the typhoid outbreak of ’79 slowly took them one by one, leaving him all alone, all he had to remember them by were a few paintings and some sunken stones in the water. How he wanted there to be more to their family line than him. He couldn’t let their memories and image die with him. How he wanted a family to love again.
HIs confiding in her somehow led her to confide in him also. So she told him of the heartbreak of losing her father, of the hatred she had for her mother for sometime afterwards. How she would do anything for Prim, her little sister, who she had to bring up practically as her own for some time. How she never wanted children, because the world was too dark a place to do that to a child.
That night, when he came to her room, something had shifted slightly between them. She had slowly undressed in front of him as he watched wide eyed, until she was completely naked. He bared all for her, and when they went to lie down on the bed, once again his hair above her lit by the firelight, there was no longer arms by sides and eyes averted. Katniss tentatively allowed her hands to explore; and he in turn held her gaze, and did not hurry to enter her. He asked through his hands where she felt pleasure, and received answers in her throaty groans and sighs. One particular spot surprised them both with the pleasure she felt, until sparks lit behind her eyes and the fire was no longer in the fireplace but running red through her veins.
When he entered her for the second time, there was no discomfort, only more building of pleasure for them both. He held her gaze the whole time, and when she felt he was close, she stroked his arms to encourage him further. The thrill that she felt upon watching him fall apart because of her was more shocking than any of the other sensations she felt.
His forehead dropped to hers after. She’s not entirely sure who closed the distance between their lips first, but she was pretty sure it was her.
When he went to leave, she pulled him back down and asked him to stay. And both had the most contented night’s sleep they could remember.
xxx
By the third night, she knows they were both in trouble. Hesitancy had long gone; instead their bodies came together like waves crashing on the shore the moment he entered her room for the last time. It was glorious and bittersweet and nothing and everything she expected. He made her feel something new, and it scared her how comfortable she felt around him already.
When it was over, and the dawn began to break through their window, a melancholy settled over them.
They were to board different trains that afternoon, but found themselves waiting at the station, hand in hand. Despite having only been on that platform three days prior, it felt like an eternity to Katniss. So much had changed within her since her arrival. She found herself hoping they had not been successful that month, and yet knowing at the same time deep down that they had.
As she watched the train pulling into the station, she took a deep breath, clutched his hand tighter, and dreaded the moment when she would finally have to let go.