Work Text:
Katsuki used to see the world in vivid, daring colors. Bright blues, flashing reds, brilliantly bold yellows. Dark greens and flaming oranges. He'd decorated his dorm room himself, so he knew those colors had to be there still, but he hadn't seen them in a while. Everything was a filtered gray now. Had been for some time now. In his lighter moments, he wondered when that color would come back.
In his darker moments, he reflected on the fight that had ended All Might's career.
It could have been anyone, his mother had told him, as if that was any fucking consolation. All Might had been ill for a while. There was always going to be a final fight.
But most heroes died in their final fight, leaving behind an untarnished legacy. All Might was...he was worse than dead. He was weak, sickly, forced to forever stand on the sidelines as other heroes rushed to battle. What kind of life was that for the Symbol of Peace?
It wasn't your fault, the school counselor had told him. It could have been any student kidnapped by the villains.
But it wasn't just any kid: they had specifically targeted Katsuki. And the worst part? It had been because they thought he could be turned. That he wasn't "hero" enough to stay at UA, complete the training and become a fully certified hero. They had thought he could be swayed.
Was that how other people saw him? Two steps away from becoming a villain?
Next time, it's your turn, All Might had said. But he hadn't been talking to Katsuki.
He'd been talking to fucking Deku.
As if it would never be Katsuki's turn.
Katsuki sat with his back to his bed, head tipped up to stare up at the corner where the wall met the ceiling. The light was off, so everything was gray. Although that made such little difference: even when the light was on, he only saw in grays.
Contrary to what it looked like, Katsuki wasn't throwing himself a pity-party: he was waiting for the dorm to go quiet. The type of quiet you only found after midnight, when good students had finished their workouts and their studies, doused the lights and the TVs, and were either asleep, or at least in bed, checking their phones to find out what they had missed in the real world. He'd never noticed it before, but if he kept perfectly still and listened with his entire body, he could tell when the common room emptied, when the water in the pipes stopped running, when the chatter through the walls died down. It was as good a use of his time as any: it wasn't as if Katsuki had really slept since that final fight between All Might and All for One.
Fourteen, Katsuki counted as he heard a door pull closed. Doors opened and closed all the time, and not just along his hallway, but above and below him, too. Yet there seemed to be a note of finality to this door's closing, as if it would be the last one of the night.
It's nearly midnight anyway, Katsuki thought, rolling his eyes to the clock over his bed. Might as well take my chances.
Katsuki's bones popped, cartilage crackling as he eased himself up from his seat on the floor. His body might be telling him it was uncomfortable, but he didn't really feel it, so he ignored it. That was just where he'd been when he'd finished his homework assignments, so that was the position he'd waited in until the proverbial coast was clear. No use bumping into anyone. They'd want to talk to him. And Katsuki just couldn't take the useless platitudes anymore.
Katsuki eased his door open, turning the knob so that the latch didn't click. He closed it softly behind him, just in case anyone else had figured out his trick of "listening." He took the stairs rather than the elevator, favoring the metallic ring of each step over the scream of the elevator's chime as it arrived on each floor. Color may have fled, but noises seemed amplified. Voices, especially, had a tendency to echo on ad infinitum, distorting their meaning into something much more sinister.
He really didn't want to talk to anybody.
Once on the first floor, Katsuki evaluated, wondering what he needed more: a workout in the dorm gym, a shower in the locker room, or food. Each night he crept down here, it was the same dilemma, usually only accomplishing one goal rather than all three. Just sneaking down was exhausting: how could he be expected to workout, bathe and eat all in this limited time frame? He just didn't have the energy for all of that.
Katsuki pinched the front of his shirt and sniffed at it. At himself. He didn't feel too grimy; he must have showered recently. That, or he hadn't had a good workout in a few days. He'd forgotten to change his clothes after classes, so he was still in his school uniform, minus the tie, belt and socks. Not good clothes for working out.
I guess it's dinner time, then, Katsuki decided, trudging into the community kitchen. That was sort of a shame, really. Maybe a workout would have helped him beat color back into his life. All food only tasted like ash, anyway. But it took too much effort to change his mind, never mind change into workout clothes, so instead he rummaged through the fridge for something to eat.
The kitchen was fully outfitted with pots, pans, rice cookers, mixing bowls--anything he might need to make a decent meal. But that thought was exhausting. The instant options were far more tempting, but far less healthy. If he wasn't going to workout, then the least he could do was eat smart. He was still going to be a hero after all--even if he'd never surpass All Might now.
The world suddenly seemed a darker shade of gray than it had been before. That always happened when he thought about All Might.
The kitchen was stocked almost daily by Lunch Rush's assistants, giving the students healthy options to snack on as they needed, but the most under-utilized supply always seemed to be the vegetables. Katsuki found himself pulling bags of carrots, peppers, broccoli and chives out of a drawer in the fridge. He could do something with this, couldn't he? Stir fry was barely cooking and he could make some rice to round out the meal. And he liked chopping vegetables: the precision it demanded kept darker thoughts from creeping into his mind.
He started the rice first, then washed the vegetables. He put some oil in a pan to heat up, then pushed up his sleeves to begin cutting the vegetables. He could chop pretty quickly, but that was loud and might alert other students. So instead, he focused on each cut, making each one even with the last, no slice too thick, no cut too thin. He was good at this. Perhaps this could be a fallback plan, in case he never became a hero. Perhaps there was a top-rated chef he could unseat one day.
Thoughts like that somehow only made things seem worse instead of better.
Katsuki had only ever wanted to be a hero. Even becoming the best in anything else in the world rang hollow. He had been put on this earth for one thing.
Except that one thing seemed meant for someone else. That quirkless childhood friend he'd deemed useless so many years ago. He was the one who would surpass All Might.
And Katsuki...
Katsuki could barely manage to get out of bed in the morning. What about that screamed "future top hero?"
Katsuki used the back of the knife to swipe all his neatly chopped vegetables into the oil, making it sizzle and pop. He cut down a few chives and left them on the cutting board; they made a better topping that way. He tossed the vegetables a few times, coating them all in oil. He thought about adding a little hot sauce to the pan, then decided against it. It all tasted the same either way. No need to waste condiments on someone who couldn't taste them.
"Bakugou."
Katsuki nearly lost half the vegetables as he tossed them, heart stuttering in his chest as he lunged across the stove, scooping the vegetables back up before they could be lost. With a scowl he usually reserved for villains and rivals, Katsuki turned and glared over the low counter.
"I didn't mean to startle you." Todoroki managed to look crisp and rich even in his pajamas. Katsuki could only just make out the matching top and bottoms beneath a Japanese-style robe. His hair was combed and neat, as if the half-and-half bastard had never gone to sleep at all. That didn't seem right, though--Katsuki hadn't heard a sound from the room above his own in hours.
"You need a fucking snack or some shit?" Katsuki snarled, turning his attention back to his food. "I didn't make enough to share, so you're shit out of luck if you wanted some of this."
"I don't," Todoroki said mildly. "It's good to see you eating, though. I know you've been doing your homework through the lunch hours lately."
Katsuki scowled at his stir fry. What fucking business was it of Todoroki's if he did homework instead of eat? He wasn't hungry and forcing himself always made him feel sick for hours afterwards. And when he did homework where other people could see him, it was less likely his mind would wander down dark alleys, forcing him to face the grim reality that he had single-handedly ended All Might's career. Thoughts like that usually ended with Katsuki wondering if the dormitory was tall enough to kill someone who stepped off the roof.
"I've been trying to find a moment to talk to you," Todoroki continued, as if this was somehow a fucking conversation. "I know you've been getting up late at night, so I was hoping to catch you down here."
"How the fuck do you know that?" Katsuki demanded, sending a sharp glare over his shoulder. "You fucking stalking me, you fucking half-and-half bastard?"
Todoroki was quiet for a minute before responding in a soft, matter-of-fact voice. "My room is above yours. I can hear it when you leave the room. I didn't choose the floor plan of the dormitory."
Katsuki rolled his eyes. The walls and floors were thin, Katsuki knew that from his own listening. He'd thought he'd been quiet, but who could say anymore? Color was gone, taste was gone, who was to say what he'd lose next? He hoped it was feeling: the pain in his chest grew steadily each day with no sign of relief. It would be such a blessing to lose all feeling and sensation.
"Bakugou, would it be alright if I--"
"I don't want to fucking hear it," Katsuki snarled, snapping off the heat beneath his pan. The stir fry wasn't entirely finished yet, but he didn't care. It was just vegetables. He could eat them raw if he had to. "Whatever fucking platitude you've come to spew, I've already heard it. So just fuck off, dipshit."
Katsuki sensed a pent stillness behind him as he dumped rice and vegetables onto a plate together. Impotent rage boiled just beneath his skin, making his hands and arms trembled. He waited for Todoroki to leave, because if he turned around now, there was no guarantee he wasn't going to throw this food at him in the hopes of starting a fight. In the hopes of feeling something. Anything.
Instead, Todoroki only said "Platitudes?" with a mildly curious inflection.
"Fucking shithead," Katsuki snarled, turning just slightly to look over his shoulder. "I don't need to fucking hear you say that it wasn't my fault for getting kidnapped, or that I shouldn't blame myself for the way the fight with All for One ended. I fucking know that shit already and it doesn't fucking help at all, so just go the fuck away!"
Todoroki didn't, though. Didn't flinch when Katsuki raised his voice, didn't startle or look afraid. In fact, he looked the same as he usually did: bland expression and a neutral posture. After a few moments of intense silence, Todoroki tucked his hands into his pockets and glanced away.
"I wasn't going to say anything like that. I know it doesn't help. And it definitely doesn't change anything."
"The fuck do you know about--" But as Katsuki wheeled around, the sight of Todoroki's scar stopped him cold. He remembered overhearing the story of how he'd gotten it, of how young he'd been when it happened. How helpless he must have felt about…well, all of it.
Todoroki sighed heavily, freeing one hand from his pocket to touch the edge of his scar. "People used to say things like it wasn't that noticeable, or that it would fade in time. That that one incident didn't define me, didn't hold power over me. But...it did. Everyone was wrong. I came to the conclusion that people don't speak empty platitudes to soothe the victim so much as they do it to feel better themselves. I wasn't going to say anything like that to you."
"Oh." Katsuki felt a little...deflated, perhaps. Slightly emptier than he had been when he was full of rage. Actually, he preferred the rage. He knew what to do with that. This empty feeling...that was what he didn't know how to cope with. "Then what the fuck did you want?"
"I wanted to confess my feelings for you." His expression and tone were as fathomless as ever as he tucked his hand back in his pocket. "I've been trying to tell you for a while, but you've been difficult to approach lately. I can't say that I understand what you've been going through, but I thought it might take a little of the burden off of you if you felt comfortable sharing it with someone."
Katsuki's mind just about blanked after the first sentence, forget about the rest of the statement. "The fuck did you say?"
Todoroki lifted his shoulders in a defensive shrug. "It's fine if you don't feel the same way. In fact, I expected you wouldn't. But I felt like I should let you know, just in case it might help. I don't know why I thought it would, but... I guess I thought it would have been better for me if I had someone I trusted while my mother was beginning her hospitalization. It's not the same, I know that. I just didn't want to keep it a secret."
Todoroki turned to go. Before he took more than a step, Katsuki vaulted the kitchen counter and grabbed the front of Todoroki's robe, snarling in his face.
"Did you just fucking confess to me out of pity, you fucker?"
"No." He did look mildly alarmed now, but that might have been surprise more than anything else. "I confessed because I find you attractive. And more than that, I find you impressive. You have a temper, but you don't often let it get the better of you. You're intelligent in combat and more cautious than that average hot-headed hero. I can tell you've worked hard to master your quirk and turn it into something that saves instead of harms. I admire your ideals and how you stick to them, even when they could get you killed. Or worse. I like you, Bakugou. And if there was a chance you felt the same way, I thought it might be nice to spend some time together."
"You mean, like, go on fucking dates or hold hands, or sappy shit like that?" Katsuki asked, more out of confusion than for any other reason.
Todoroki shrugged again. "If you wanted. Or we could spar after classes. Or do homework together. Talk. Whatever. It doesn't have to be sappy. At least, I don't think it does. I've never been in a relationship before, so I'm not really sure how it goes."
Katsuki searched gray and blue eyes for the hint of malice, of untruth, of this being anything other than what Todoroki proclaimed it to be. But Todoroki was too fucking hard to read. Or maybe it was just the fact that Katsuki comprehended so little these days; honestly, taking in new information at all was a challenge. It would have been easier if this was all a farce. Something he could laugh at. Or throw a punch at.
Neither seemed to be the proper response.
Fuck, but Katsuki didn't know what to do with a confession when he actually felt like himself: this was just piss-poor timing. But Todoroki was looking right back at him, clearly expecting some sort of response.
Katsuki sighed as he gave Todoroki a shove backwards, releasing his grip on the robe. "I don't feel the same way. And I don't want to fucking talk about it."
"That's fine." Todoroki took another step backwards, lingering. "But if you ever change your mind--about talking, I mean--I don't mind being there for you." He took another step, turning away now. "I hope this doesn't make things weird between us. I enjoy sparring against you in class for the challenge, but if you no longer feel comfortable with that, I understand."
"You wanna fucking go, half-and-half, I'll take your ass on anytime," Katsuki retorted. Then, realizing what he'd said, he faltered. "I meant in class. For sparring. Not--"
"I understand," Todoroki said, holding up a hand to forestall any further sputtering. "Goodnight, Bakugou. Enjoy your dinner."
"Yeah, goodnight or whatever." Katsuki held off betraying any weakness until the elevator door slid shut behind Todoroki, taking him back to the fifth floor of the dormitory. Then he scrubbed his palm over his face, releasing a breath that felt bigger than what his lungs could hold.
The fuck had that been about? That had to have been the last fucking thing Katsuki had expected to happen. Maybe next time he'd just take an instant dinner and fucking run it back to his room to avoid any further messy interactions. He shook his head to clear it before walking back to his rapidly cooling dinner. He dumped the pan into the sink, then carried his plate over to the nearest table, dropping heavily into his seat.
The actual fuck had Todoroki been thinking, following him downstairs to say some shit like that? What had he expected to happen? Was Katsuki supposed to kiss him and carry him back up the stairs or some shit? And what was all that shit about ideals and his temper and whatever the fuck he said? Was Katsuki supposed to give some shitty speech back? What the fuck would he have said?
Todoroki is actually pretty hot, Katsuki mused, shoveling bits of food into his mouth. The scar doesn't even detract from that, if anything it makes him look real. Like he'd be too gorgeous to walk among mortals without it. He's a good fighter, too. At least, with his quirk, he is. He's kinda shitty at sparring, though. He's real good at first aid, though...
Katsuki cursed at a hard bite of broccoli, clearly not cooked through all the way. It wasn't until he was trying to work the bits of it out of his teeth when he realized he'd never added soy sauce to the stir fry. The whole plate tasted bland as shit.
The fuck is wrong with me? Katsuki wondered, kicking back his chair to go back to the kitchen. That's fucking basic, soy sauce. And it'd taste even better with--
Katsuki stopped in the middle of reaching for the soy sauce, realization striking him all at once.
The veggie stir fry tasted shitty.
He could taste the veggie stir fry.
When was the last time he'd tasted...anything?
He couldn't waste too much time mulling it over, though. His stomach rumbled in what was unmistakably hunger. Katsuki grabbed the soy sauce and the chili pepper sauce before returning to his table and drowning his dinner in flavor. It didn't even matter that he'd forgotten to cook the soy sauce into the vegetables: it was stronger this way, explosions of flavor hitting his tongue one after another. It didn't matter what it tasted like, it only mattered that he could taste. Even better that he actually felt hungry. Most days he only ate because he knew he was supposed to.
The hell? Katsuki wondered, washing up after he finished the meal. Does this mean I'm actually feeling better? Or did I just get used to feeling like a waste of space? Is stuff going to start going back to normal now?
Even analyzing his feelings as deeply as he could, he didn't feel all that different. The depression was still there, the feeling of loss, of helplessness, was still the most prevalent. He still felt an invisible weight pressing down on his shoulders, every step felt sluggish and struggling. Even just making himself wash the dishes felt forced: if it wasn't such a shit thing to do, he would have left it for someone else to clean. He cursed at himself under his breath as he finished and grabbed the dishtowel, drying his hands.
The blue dishtowel.
Blue like Todoroki's left eye.
Katsuki squinted at the towel. Was he just remembering it as blue, or was he really seeing it as blue? He hadn't bothered turning on the kitchen light, so most everything was bathed in the security lights shining on the courtyard outside. Come to think of it, he shouldn't have been able to see the colors of Todoroki's eyes so clearly, but he had. The soothing gray, the bright blue. And the red of Todoroki's hair... Yes, he for sure had noticed that. But why? The common room was bathed in grays, in shadows and banked darkness. Why should the colors of Todoroki's hair and eyes stand out? He couldn't even recall the color of the robe he'd grabbed while snarling into Todoroki's face. But he remembered those eyes.
Katsuki set his elbows on the kitchen counter and dropped his head into his hands.
I hate feeling this way! I don't know how to stop feeling this way! Nothing's really changed except...except taste. Except color.
Katsuki looked up slowly, gaze falling and locking on the elevator.
I don't like him, Katsuki told himself, for some reason remembering how cool Todoroki's breath had felt on the skin of his hand when he clutched the front of his robe earlier. I don’t like him in the let's-go-out-for-dinner-sometime way. But…something changed. And if he's offering... Fuck, is that really fair? I don't fucking know.
Katsuki remained in the dark for long, silent minutes before coming to a decision.
~*~
It was after midnight, so he knocked softly. He half expected not to get a response, but the door opened with surprising swiftness, blue and gray eyes only showing mild surprise.
"Bakugou." Todoroki wasn't wearing the robe any longer, just the matching set of pajamas underneath. "Do you need something?"
Katsuki hesitated, not out of fear, but because he had no fucking idea of what to say.
"I don't like you."
Todoroki blinked, looking surprised but not offended. "I know. You said as much earlier."
"I don't fucking mean--Ugh!" Katsuki rolled his eyes at himself. "I don't like you the way you like me. But you're pretty fucking hot and you've got one hell of a quirk. And what you said about the empty platitudes... Look, I felt that, okay? So if you wanna fucking talk sometime, I guess I'd be down for that." Katsuki rubbed the back of his head. "I just wanted to make things clear. I'm not in a good place to start anything right now."
Todoroki was quiet for long moments. Katsuki couldn't blame him: even he couldn't make a lot of sense out of what he'd just said. As the fraught silence continued, Katsuki began second-guessing himself. This had been stupid after all. He needed a retreat. Quickly.
Katsuki opened his mouth, not sure what he was going to say, except that it was going to be foul and off-putting. Before he could get the words out, however, Todoroki took a step backwards into his room.
"Did you want to come in?"
Katsuki felt staggered. "What?"
"Come in." Todoroki gestured to his room. "You don't really sleep at night anyway, right? Just come in for a moment and talk for a while. You can leave whenever you want."
It felt like a trap somehow, yet there was no way Todoroki could have expected Katsuki to come up here--not after the way he'd ended things in the common room. But for no discernible reason, Katsuki accepted the invitation, hunching his shoulders as he slouched into the room. He scanned the features of the room with minimal surprise: he'd heard Todoroki had a Japanese-style dorm room, but he hadn't seen it for himself. The tatami mats were a surprise, but everything else he'd expected based on classmates' descriptions.
"Why the fuck did you get your room done this way?" Katsuki asked. It felt better to put pressure on someone else than to release the burden he'd been carrying ever since All Might's final fight.
"I find it soothing," Todoroki explained, closing the door behind them. "Sorry. If I had known you were coming, I'd have put the futon away."
The padded bedding in the middle of the floor did make the room look a little small. The blankets were disturbed, but not in a way that made it look as if Todoroki had been sleeping. In fact, the room's only light was coming from the screen of a laptop, paused in the middle of whatever Todoroki had been watching. A wireless headset lay in the middle of the pooled blankets on the futon.
"You just watching movies or some shit?" Katsuki asked, jerking his chin at the laptop. "Can't sleep, or just bored?"
"It's the uncut footage of the UA sports festival held three years ago." Todoroki picked his way across the room, sitting in the center of his bed and shrugging the blankets up over his shoulders. "I was analyzing different quirks and how I might defend against them if I had to. It's a nightly ritual, I suppose."
"How the fuck do you get uncut videos?" Katsuki asked. "Your daddy buy it for you?"
"Actually, every year the footage of festival is given in its entirety to the school." Todoroki shrugged. "It's in the streaming catalog on the school website. It's a little tricky to find, though."
"Oh." Katsuki felt stupid: he'd never really gone looking for anything like uncut sports festival videos. It was actually a pretty smart thing to do.
Todoroki rearranged the pillows on his futon, making the space beside him a little wider. "If you have something you'd like to discuss, I'm open to that." He must have read the disgust on Katsuki's face, because he continued: "But I've found when I'm hyper-fixating on something, it helps to have a good distraction. Can I interest you in a discussion on quirk usage in former sports festivals?"
"Tch." Katsuki shrugged. "Might as well. It's not like I'd be sleeping anyway."
Still, it was weird to join Todoroki on the futon on the floor. The laptop screen was small and Todoroki kept the sound low in order to avoid waking his dormitory neighbors. They had to sit close to see the screen. They leaned in when something of note occurred, pausing to discuss it in voices just above whispers. It was...strange. Intimate. Katsuki had seen all the sports festivals, because of fucking course he had, but that had always been the media cut, with commentary and commercials. This was different: there were no voice overs, just snatches of conversation as the heroes-in-training sought to overcome the challenges ahead of them. It made it all seem much more real, so much more relatable. And fuck, but it was actually pleasantly distracting.
"This is the one I can't get past. Watch." Todoroki pointed to a student on the screen--someone who was likely a hero by now. "I can't figure out how I'd fight her."
Katsuki watched a minute, assessing. "It's a water conjuration quirk. Can't you just freeze whatever she throws at you?"
"No, look." Todoroki paused the video. "See the steam coming off the water? She can manipulate the temperature of the water, which means she can melt my ice. And it's water, so..."
"So it douses your fire," Katsuki finished. "Alright, yeah, I see how that's a problem."
"Probably for you, too," Todoroki said mildly. "Your explosions lose their impact when your hands are wet or submerged in water."
"Then I just wouldn't fucking get wet," Katsuki replied smugly. "I'd blast myself up above her head and throw something at her. Just 'cause you have a quirk doesn't mean that's what you have to use to fight."
"Huh." Todoroki looked bemused. "That's surprisingly simple. I can't believe I didn't think of it."
Katsuki snorted. "What, professional quirk-trainers never taught you to grab random debris off the street and chuck it at a villain's head?"
Todoroki smiled. Like, actually smiled. "Quirk-trainers focus on quirk usage. They don't teach much in the way of lateral thinking."
"So, what? You were just supposed to live your life in fear of hot tubs?" Katsuki chuckled.
Todoroki's smile grew a little larger. "It's nice to hear you laugh again. Not that you ever laughed much, but I always liked hearing it."
Katsuki stilled. He had laughed, hadn't he? Well, maybe it was more of a snicker. But even so, thoughts of All Might's final fight had been pushed out of his head since...shit, almost since he'd decided to come up here! He'd been so consumed with thoughts of Todoroki's confession, with tastes and colors that he hadn't even realized when his focus had shifted. It was all he'd thought about for weeks, and now...it was still there, lurking in the dark recesses of his mind, but it was less present than it had been.
Todoroki's eyes roved Katsuki's face. Then he shifted, leaning close. Todoroki moved slowly, keeping his eyes open, giving Katsuki time to pull away but he felt frozen in place. Todoroki didn't close his eyes until their lips just brushed, less a kiss and more a caress. He leaned back just as slowly, eyes reading something Katsuki couldn't see.
"I know you're going through something right now," Todoroki said slowly. His face looked serene, but Katsuki noted his rapid heartbeat in the pulse of his neck. "And I accept that your feelings don't match mine. If all you need is someone to lean on right now, I can be that for you. I think I might have gotten over my own issues a little faster if there had been someone there for me, and I'd like to help you if I can."
Katsuki shook his head, thoughts and feelings whirling around and mixing together into something confusing, but also warm. Light. "You're not a fucking doormat, Todoroki. And I'm not gonna lie to you to make you feel better."
"I understand. Part of your charm is your honesty." Todoroki smirked. "Although, I use the term 'charm' lightly in regards to you. Even if your feelings never change, I can hope we'll be comrades. Even friends. And, if your feelings ever do change, I hope you'll tell me."
Katsuki found himself reaching for Todoroki, meaning to draw him closer. He stopped himself, held himself back. "That doesn't seem fucking fair."
Todoroki lifted a shoulder in a shrug. "The villains targeting you weren't fair. My upbringing and my mother's...illness...wasn't fair. I think people are happier when they stop searching for 'fair' and accept what they have. We can have this, for now, if we want it. It's up to you."
Katsuki swallowed hard. Why was this so fucking appealing? It wasn't just that Todoroki was hot--although, to be perfectly fucking honest, that was a factor. It was also that while so many people had spoken the empty words "I understand what you're going through" none of them fucking did. But Todoroki...he'd never said as much, but somehow...he did. He understood. Maybe not exactly, but he'd been to that dark place and somehow he'd come out of it. And if he'd gotten out of it...then maybe there was a way out that didn't end with Katsuki giving up on his dreams.
Katsuki surprised himself when his fingers brushed Todoroki's cheek. He drew back slightly, but Todoroki leaned in. He didn't move in for a kiss, but his body expressed willingness, his eyes hopeful, but also reserved. A little of the weight Katsuki had been carrying lifted off his shoulders: he could accept this or walk away, seemingly with no consequences. It was like a gift. Like a ray of light.
Or a cleansing flame.
Katsuki leaned in, pressing their lips together, giving Todoroki the chance to pull away before sliding in closer, one hand finding Todoroki's in the blankets, lacing their fingers together. The other tipped Todoroki's chin up as Katsuki opened the kiss up, tongue tentatively exploring Todoroki's to find it soft and yielding. He'd never kissed anyone like this, never been kissed like this, so he just did whatever felt right: nipping, teasing, exploring. It felt a little strange, but at the same time it felt freeing. He certainly wasn't thinking any dark thoughts now. Not while his entire focus was centered on this and this alone.
Katsuki twitched at the unexpected touch against his stomach. He drew back sharply, more startled than anything. Todoroki pulled his hand away, looking just as surprised as Katsuki felt.
"No touching?" Todoroki asked, leaning back to create space between them.
"Nah." Katsuki closed the space, reaching out to draw Todoroki close again. "Just surprised me. C'mere."
They kissed again, a little harder now, having learned from the first time around. Katsuki had one arm wrapped partially around Todoroki's back, feeling the play of muscles beneath his thin pajama shirt. It was long minutes before Todoroki dared to reach out again, first touching Katsuki's shoulder before trailing down the big muscle of his arm, to the more slender, corded muscles of his forearm.
"You're pretty hot yourself," Todoroki said, slightly breathy as the kiss broke. "In case you didn't already know."
"I did know." Katsuki smirked. "But it's nice to hear."
Todoroki huffed a small laugh. He leaned back on his elbows, stretching long on the futon. His hair was almost rakishly long over his eyes, no longer neatly ordered, the red mixing with the white. His eyes were dark, but his smile was small and sultry. He beckoned, a request that Katsuki join him.
And who the fuck was Katsuki to refuse?
Katsuki stretched out alongside Todoroki, pulling him down to the futon with a hand on his waist. Feeling daring, he slid his hand up Todoroki's shirt, marveling at how smooth his skin felt--smooth and cool. After a moment of thought, Katsuki pulled his hand back and grabbed Todoroki's hand.
"You're cold," Katsuki said, closing his hand over Todoroki's.
"I thought you said I was hot," Todoroki replied, almost teasing. He cupped Katsuki's jaw in his free hand--a hand that felt nearly feverish with heat. "It's all a matter of perspective."
Katsuki barked a laugh at that. "Guess I never thought of that. How your quirk would affect your temperature."
"Speaking of quirks." Todoroki settled back against a pillow, his warm hand tracking down Katsuki's neck to tug at the collar of his rumpled school shirt. "I've never done anything like this before and I'm running a little hotter than usual. You'll have to let me know if your palms start to sweat, or else we could accidentally combust."
Katsuki couldn't help but grin. "Don't burst into flames on me and I think we'll be fine."
Todoroki's responding smile was bigger than any Katsuki had ever seen on him to date. He freed his cool hand from Katsuki's grip and touched the corner of Katsuki's mouth. "It's good to see you smile again."
"Yeah, well." Katsuki leaned in for a short kiss. "Think you might see more than that."
"I'd like to." With slow deliberation, Todoroki popped the first fastened button on Katsuki's shirt. "Do you have any idea how distracting you are in the showers after fitness training?"
"Oh, yeah?" Katsuki smirked as he tugged the buttons open in one sharp movement. "Been taking cold showers around me?"
"I do have an ice quirk," Todoroki reminded him. He placed a finger on Katsuki's sternum then drew a line downwards, making Katsuki shiver as his skin erupted with goosebumps from the cold. "I get by."
"Heh." Katsuki grabbed Todoroki around the waist and crushed their bodies together, claiming another hard kiss. He rolled onto his back, pulling Todoroki on top of him. He nearly gasped in shock at the feel of Todoroki's erection, hot even through his pajama bottoms and Katsuki's uniform pants, but he covered it quickly with a smirk. "Guess you're not cold everywhere."
Todoroki shifted his weight on top of Katsuki, looking more than a little surprised to find himself on top. He managed to get his hands down onto the mattress pad and push himself up, his hair delightfully tousled from the roll. "Um, I'm okay with this, but are you? Should we maybe stop?"
"I'm having fun," Katsuki said with a shrug. "I haven't felt this good in a long time." He breathed in Todoroki's scent, an odd combination of soothing mint and burning cinnamon. "But yeah, we can stop. Guess it is a little fast or whatever."
"It's not that," Todoroki explained. Katsuki watched, mesmerized, as Todoroki shoved a lock of hair behind his ear. "With how you've been lately... I don't want to take advantage."
"Eh." Katsuki rolled to his side, tossing Todoroki down next to him. "So, what, then? I hafta cry about my feelings or some shit so you feel okay with this?"
"I don't actually know," Todoroki admitted. "I suppose if we're both okay with it, we can keep going. I just worry about how you'll feel about it tomorrow."
"I'm sure tomorrow's gonna be another shitshow, just like today. And yesterday. And all the fucking days before." Katsuki looped a lock of white hair around his finger, feeling it slide like silk over his skin. "I feel like this makes my shitty existence worth living for now."
Todoroki seemed to weigh that answer against his own experiences. "I accept your premise, but with a caveat. You don't have to cry, but you should talk. If not to me, then to someone."
"Like a fucking counselor?" Katsuki scoffed.
"If you like. Or Midoriya. Or All Might. Whoever you think will help you the most."
"Fine." Katsuki would have said anything to keep going. Although, talking suddenly didn't seem so bad. Not if he had the option of talking to someone who had been where he'd been. Yeah, maybe it was talking to all the wrong people that had gotten him feeling like this. Maybe he should have been looking to talk to someone who'd already walked through hell in order to find the way out. "I'll talk. But later, yeah?"
"Yeah." Todoroki inched forward, locking their lips. Katsuki closed his eyes, sinking into the sensation. He had no idea how far this was going tonight, or how far it would go ultimately, but right now, it felt like exactly what he needed. After long, relaxing minutes spent kissing, Katsuki rolled up to an elbow, poised just over Todoroki on the futon. Experimentally, he kissed the side of Todoroki's neck and heard a gasp that sent his pulse racing. Cautiously he began undoing the buttons of Todoroki's top while kissing down the side of his neck. When the pajama top fell open, Katsuki traced the muscles underneath, not as defined as his own but slim, hard and shivering beneath his touch. It was Katsuki's turn to gasp as a brand-hot hand slipped beneath the untucked hem of his own shirt, pulling him closer by the small of his back. That moment of weakness earned him a teasing nip on his Adam's apple, making him shudder. Katsuki growled and pulled away just enough so Todoroki couldn't reach him. At least, not with his mouth. Todoroki was skimming the shirt off of Katsuki's shoulders and tossing it aside, his hands cupping Katsuki's pecs firmly before sliding down his sides, eyes following the motion almost worshipfully.
"That is the weirdest sensation ever," Katsuki said, as hands hot as an iron and cold as an ice pack respectively trailed down his sides.
"Is it bad?" Todoroki asked, not pausing the motion.
"Nah." Katsuki grinned. "I could get used to it."
"I hope you do." Todoroki's eyes searched Katsuki's before he pulled him down on top of him, looping an arm around Katsuki's neck to hold him close for a kiss. Katsuki took advantage of the moment to pinch one of Todoroki's nipples, smirking at the resulting moan, the arch of his back bringing them even closer. Katsuki slotted his leg in between Todoroki's, rocking against the heat he found there.
Todoroki really seemed to like that: Katsuki felt fingernails scratching at his back, helpless gasps falling from Todoroki's mouth as he arched into the pressure. rocking gently back against Katsuki's leg. Katsuki licked his lips as he reached for Todoroki's waistband--only to be stopped by an icy hand closing around his wrist.
"Wait." Todoroki blinked rapidly as if trying to think past the haze of lust between them. "I don't think we should--for now, it's--I don't have--"
"You're saying this is the boundary line?" Katsuki asked, dragging his finger along the top of Todoroki's pajama pants.
Todoroki shivered, his eyes rolling back. "For now...yes."
"I guess I can live with that." Katsuki pushed himself up to his knees, towering over Todoroki on the futon. He couldn't help but smirk: Todoroki always looked so neat, so put together. He wondered if anyone else had ever seen him like this: lips swollen and wet from kissing, hair in complete disarray, a red flush filling in his chest, neck and cheeks. In a word, he was beautiful. "You mind if I get comfier, though? I forgot to change earlier."
Todoroki swallowed hard, the ball of his throat leaping. But his voice came out steady. "If you want."
Katsuki's shirt was already gone and his pants quickly followed. He had boxers on underneath, so he wasn't completely exposed, but he could tell by the way Todoroki licked his lips that they didn't hide much. Katsuki smirked as he laid back down beside Todoroki, propping his head against his hand.
"We stopping?" Katsuki asked.
"I don't want to," Todoroki replied, cool fingers tracing patterns on Katsuki's pecs. Katsuki shivered involuntarily when those icy fingers grazed his nipple. "If you don't mind getting a little messy, then I don't mind either."
"What'd you have in mind?"
Todoroki rolled his head in a beckoning way. "Get back up here."
Katsuki didn't need to be told twice. He held himself up over Todoroki on hands and knees, dropping to an elbow for a kiss. Todoroki's hands were in his hair, on his shoulders, on his back, his hips. Their hips came flush against each other and they both jumped at the contact: it seemed taking off his pants had made all the difference. He could just about match up his length against Todoroki's, feel every inch, every ounce of heat, every shiver and tremble of Todoroki's body.
"So your plan is to grind off together?"
"You got a better one?"
"Nope." Katsuki laughed silently. "Let's do this shit."
He started the slide first, earning a sharp hiss from Todoroki beneath him. Katsuki hunkered low on his elbows, kissed the side of Todoroki's jaw, then began to move. Todoroki's hips jumped beneath him, nearly bucking him off, though his hands only gripped tighter, nails digging into his back. They couldn't kiss for all the panting or the frantic bucking--just about every time Katsuki thought they had a rhythm, one of them would lose it. Fuck, but he felt close though. Closer than he'd thought while grinding with clothing caught in between. Katsuki's blood was singing, the pressure mounting, everything else falling blissfully away. A little voice inside his head whispered he still had a lot to fucking deal with, but for now he was able to push it away and lose himself in sensation. Todoroki was moaning continuously underneath him, eyes squeezed shut, sharp gasps making his chest rise and fall rapidly. A curl of steam accompanied each exhale, kind of adorable in its own way. Katsuki had to lean away from Todoroki's left side, his skin burning hot to the touch. Instead, he leaned low over the right side of Todoroki's throat, lathed his tongue along it before sinking his teeth into the cool, tender skin.
He might as well have electrocuted Todoroki for the response he got. Todoroki arched right off the bed, screaming sharply once before collapsing, body shuddering before relaxing bonelessly. It was the scream that put Katsuki over the edge: his orgasm struck him like a suckerpunch, almost painful in its sudden release. After the first two surges wet the front of his boxers, Katsuki pushed off of Todoroki to roll onto his back, letting the waves of pleasure slowly ebb into ripples. For long moments after that, he laid there just staring up at the ceiling, catching his breath and thinking about what had just happened.
"I just realized I haven't done that in weeks," he said marveling at the realization. "I didn't even think about it."
"I think it helps," Todoroki said, unmoving. A glance sideways showed his eyes were closed, though he spoke clearly. "Endorphins and all that. Not surprising you didn't think of it. I hope it helped."
"Yeah." Katsuki watched Todoroki for long, quiet moments. "What happens now? Need me to leave?"
"Now?" Todoroki pushed himself up with a groan. He made a face that summed up how Katsuki felt about the mess in his boxers. "Right now, I'm going to clean up. And I won't force you to do anything, but if you're feeling it, we should talk."
"Talk about what?" Katsuki tried to sneer but it came out as a yawn. Fuck, was he actually tired? That never happened anymore. "About our feelings? About this?"
"About anything." Todoroki stood up and made his way to the bathroom. Katsuki found himself wondering if it matched the Japanese decor, too, or if it was exactly the same as his own bathroom. "We can talk about homework, if you want. It doesn't matter what you talk about, you just need to talk. It'll help. Like this did." He made a vague gesture, which Katsuki took to mean "getting off" then pulled the bathroom door mostly shut behind him. Katsuki looked around the room until he found a tissue box. He cleaned up as much as he could without soap and water, then gave up on the boxers completely. He kicked them aside and with the rest of his clothes, then rummaged through Todoroki's drawers until he found a pair of gym shorts. Hell, maybe he'd steal a shirt, too, before going back to his room.
If he went back to his room.
Todoroki reappeared as the bathroom light clicked off, yawning into his hand before collapsing into the futon. He stretched out along one edge, but Katsuki pulled him into the middle. For some reason, touching just felt good. It was like...being connected. Not that that was something he needed but...it felt nice just then. Todoroki fidgeted a bit, yawned again, then curled into Katsuki's chest, cool arm thrown across him. Silence reigned and Katsuki dared to hope that Todoroki had simply fallen asleep. He didn't need to talk anyway. This was enough.
"Who taught you how to cook?" Todoroki asked, his voice clear despite his obvious exhaustion.
Katsuki shifted. Squirmed. Adjusted. Sighed.
"He came to rescue me."
"Hm."
"All Might. He was only there because it was me."
"Mm."
"He fought All for One because of me."
"Ah."
"Because I was too weak."
Todoroki yawned. "Are all people who need to be rescued weak?"
"Fuck, yeah they are."
Todoroki buried his head against Katsuki's chest. "Then rescue All Might one day. That'll fix it, right?"
Katsuki shocked himself by laughing. "Yeah. Yeah, I think it might." He shook his head. It was such a simple solution! And All Might might be retired, but he didn't exactly keep himself safe. It was entirely possible that All Might would one day need to be saved. It was just a hypothetical...but it helped. Somehow.
Katsuki squeezed the arm around Todoroki. "How'd you know I needed this?"
Todoroki curled in on himself, a motion like a shrug. "I just thought of what I would have wanted. What I needed. It's not the same, I know that." Todoroki lifted his head, blinking sleepily. "Not all scars are visible, but I think you treat them just the same."
Todoroki dozed off soon after that, snoring lightly, but Katsuki stayed awake a few minutes longer, contemplating his scars. Then, for the first time in weeks, he slept without nightmares.