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“And with that, I’ll be ending this live.” Jungkook said, watching the comments flood with viewers not wanting to say goodbye. He chuckles at this, “I know you’ll miss me but don’t worry because I will do another live soon! Maybe on New Years Eve? I will update you all as soon as I can.”
He is currently on his gaming setup but Jungkook isn’t playing any games, he’s doing his annual Christmas live on his Youtube channel. A lot of his fans seem to look forward to it every year which makes his heart happy. He’s grateful that he has the ability to make people smile just by appearing on their screens. One comment that struck him the most is, “You are the greatest gift of all”.
“Thank you for watching and as always, wear your masks and stay safe! Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays everyone! I love you!” He smiled, waving his hands to the camera.
Jungkook doesn’t get it. He’s just a 23-year-old man on the internet playing games and sometimes song covers. And yet somehow, thousands of people think of him as a person to rely on, a person to watch when you need a good laugh, and a person with a good heart.
He doesn’t understand, but he’s thankful for it.
Jungkook’s Youtube career took off during March which was the first month of quarantine. A video of him randomly singing in one of his gaming videos got viral and before he knew it, people were making articles, Tiktoks, Youtube video compilations, and many more about him. He welcomed 2020 with 3 million subscribers and he’s about to end the year with almost 9 million subscribers. Jungkook still can’t believe all of the achievements he had. The numbers never meant anything to him, he was just happy to have a job in something he’s passionate about. He never expected this many people to enjoy the content that he put out.
However, just like everything in life, it’s not always unicorns and rainbows.
There is still something… missing.
December 25, 2019
Jungkook woke up to his phone vibrating under his pillow. He immediately groans, reaching for the phone harshly, answering the call. It’s Seokjin. “What do you want?” Jungkook said with a deep voice, it’s obvious that he just woke up. “Good morning to you too, what do you want to do today?” Seokjin asked, his tone is cheerful contrary to the person he’s currently talking to.
“Nothing, don’t bother me hyung.” Jungkook answered, clearly wanting this phone call to be over so that he can go back to his slumber. “Jungkook come on, it’s Christmas!”
“And? Jesus didn’t celebrate my birthday, why should I celebrate his?” The younger one quickly argued, he’s starting to feel irritated. Jungkook is definitely not a morning person. He tends to get angry easily especially when something or someone is interrupting his sleep.
“Jungkook, I’m worried about you.” Seokjin stated, the other can feel the sincerity in his voice. Jungkook goes silent. He can’t blame him. After Jimin broke up with him, his life started to fall apart slowly but surely. For the past month, he was by himself. Jungkook cut off all communications from his friends and family, took a break from Youtube, leaving him and his thoughts alone.
Most of his thoughts were about Jimin; and the biggest question might be just, “Why?”
Why did Jimin fall out of love? They were happy and content. They knew each and every detail about the other, their likes and dislikes. They fought but they always managed to reconcile and sleep in each other’s arms at the end of the day. They didn’t cheat nor lie about anything. They were transparent and honest. They trusted and loved each other wholeheartedly so why?
Why did Jimin fall out of love?
And then it hit Jungkook, maybe it was just his point of view.
Maybe Jimin didn’t love him after all.
Jungkook scratched that thought immediately because he knows that Jimin isn’t that kind of person. Jimin is caring and selfless; the most beautiful person inside and out. Falling in love with Jimin wasn’t like falling into a deep pit that you can’t get out. Falling in love with Jimin felt like walking into a place, an overwhelming amount of comfort consuming your whole body, and suddenly knowing you’re home.
Jimin is his home.
Jimin was his home.
Jimin was his.
“Jin-hyung, don’t worry. I’m alright, please enjoy Christmas with your family. Love you.” Jungkook said, finally breaking the moment of silence. He might’ve fallen apart, but there was one person that helped him the most, and it was Seokjin. He made sure that Jungkook took care of himself, that he went out once a week for a walk to clear his mind for a bit, that he ate properly. If it weren’t for his best friend, Jungkook doesn’t know what could’ve happened to him.
Jungkook finally gets out of bed at 2pm, pulling himself to the bathroom to take a shower. Even if he isn’t going out, he thought that maybe dressing up a bit could boost his mood. The feeling of cold water hitting his skin feels almost therapeutic. Jungkook loves everything cold, showers, beverages, you name it. He prefers winter over any season there is, but that preference might’ve been influenced by someone.
Someone that loves the snow, someone that feels like a kid again when he sees snow, someone that gets so excited by it that he feels like he’s in a fairy tale, someone that he used to go with to witness the first snow every year.
It’s funny how this someone that used to make him feel warm despite the cold weather, is now the reason why he feels cold within.
After he got out of the bathroom, Jungkook put on a simple outfit. A yellow button up shirt tucked into ripped skinny jeans, he added a black belt, and lastly, a Rolex watch on his left wrist. He didn’t bother to wear shoes since he’ll only be at home and he didn’t want to get his carpet dirty. Jungkook combed his hair to get rid of any tangles, spraying perfume all over, looking at his reflection on the mirror. Besides my dark circles, I still look pretty fucking hot. The male thought, clicking his tongue, gesturing finger guns at himself.
Opening the curtains, he sees the outside through the window of the apartment. People seem happy, walking side-by-side with their loved ones. He smiles as he sees a little girl jump into the arms of her mother. She gave her a tiny red envelope after pulling away from her embrace, which seemed to contain a drawing that the little girl drew.
An envelope.
I feel like I’m forgetting something, Jungkook thought, tilting his head in confusion. What could be something so important relating to an envelope? He shrugged the idea, walking into the living room to light up the Christmas tree. The lights are so pretty.
Jungkook sits down on the couch, eyeing the whole apartment. It’s crazy how a year ago, this couch felt so small with two people cuddling on it. A bittersweet smile appears on his face, reminiscing memories with Jimin. Wait.. Jimin. Envelope. Christmas.
He made a face of realization after putting the pieces together, Jimin left an envelope for him to open on Christmas which is today. He stood up, walking towards his bedroom. Jungkook kept it under his mattress and never touched it ever since. He took his hand and carefully grabbed the envelope. I wonder what’s inside.
Jungkook breathed in and out before opening it, his hands were sweating due to nervousness. It’s okay, it’ll be alright. He told himself, taking out the piece of paper and a tiny string bag inside. The paper had “read this first” written at the back and the male obeyed, hands unfolding the letter.
Jungkook.
Merry Christmas, I won’t beat around the bush because I know how much you hate that. This has been a secret that I’ve kept for so long and I figured that it’s time to tell you as a Christmas gift. 2016, we went to our hometown together as a couple for the first time. It was one of the best memories that I’ll never forget. We were so excited to go to the beach where we both went to as a child. When we got to your house, your mom asked you to go to the nearest supermarket to buy a few ingredients that she needed. You wanted me to go with you but your grandmother told you that she wanted to spend time with me. We talked for an hour and she gave me something really special,
“It’s okay Jungkook you can go without me,”
“Fine, but I’ll miss you,” Jungkook said with a pout on his face, holding Jimin’s hand close to his cheek. He was about to pull his boyfriend into an embrace when his grandmother suddenly spoke, “Jungkook-ah, go now or else it’ll be too dark outside. I want to have a little chat with Jimin, the handsome boyfriend of my grandson.”
Inside the string bag is your grandmother’s ring. You’re probably wondering why I had it, which is why I’m writing this letter.
“A ring?” Jimin asked, tilting his head. Aeri chuckles at his confused expression, “May I?” She said, asking for permission to take his hand in hers, Jimin nodded. She slipped the ring onto his pointer finger, thumb caressing it gently. “I got this ring for my husband, you can see on the inner part that it’s engraved with the number eight. Do you know why?”
“Why?”
“Because his birthday is on August 8, and what a coincidence because he died on the eighth day of February last year. This number is very special to him and which made it special to me as well. When Jungkook told me about you, at first I was confused. I didn’t know how to react until I heard from his mother that your official date of becoming a couple was November 8, is that correct?” Aeri asked, shifting her gaze from the ring to Jimin.
“Yes it is, November 8, 2015.” Jimin answered, offering a soft smile, a picture of Jungkook soaking wet because of the rain at his front door came to mind.
“There it is, that number again and it got me thinking. Maybe Jungkook finding you was my husband’s gift. I still remember his face when he’s looking at his phone, probably getting texts from you. I’ve never seen Jungkook that happy before.” She stated, looking directly at Jimin.
“Can you promise me something?”
“Anything.” Jimin said immediately.
“Promise me that you’ll always love Jungkook with all your heart. I’ve been with that boy for most of his life and he had a few partners before but you’re different. At least that’s what I feel and I hope I’m right. Please take care of him, Jimin.” Aeri said calmly, sincerity flowing through her words. The moment she saw Jimin, she already felt like she could trust him.
Aeri can see how much love is being shared between the two. The way Jungkook’s eyes crinkle when he hears Jimin laugh at his jokes, the way Jungkook’s mood gets instantly better after talking to Jimin, the way Jungkook knows every little detail about Jimin. All these things make her miss her husband, because that’s how they were. Hopelessly in love with each other.
The next time you talk to your grandmother, please tell her my apologies if you can. I made a promise that I couldn’t keep and it’s unfair to the both of you. I wish everyday that you’re doing better, Jungkook.
Because that’s what you deserve, to be happy, to be loved, and to be in love with someone that won’t leave you. I’m giving this ring back to you because I believe that you’re the one who can keep this promise. The promise of loving yourself for the rest of your life. I’m happy that I was a part of it for five years and I’ll never regret that day I asked Taehyung for your number when I saw you on his snapchat. You’re one of the best people I’ve ever met and I’m so grateful for everything that you’ve done for me. I don’t think I can thank you enough for it.
I know this is selfish but I want to see you before the year ends and the only sure date I can give is the day you’re reading this which is Christmas (I hope). You don’t have to come because I’ll totally understand but if you decide to do so, I’ll be waiting by the X park at 11pm.
Have a good life ahead, Jungkook.
- Jimin
As if on cue, after reading the last part of the letter, he gets a call from Seokjin. He’s hesitant at first but with his mind clouded up with so many different thoughts, he picks up the phone, putting it on his ear.
“Jungkook-ah! How’s your Christmas going? Have you eaten?” Seokjin said, checking up on him. He’s been thinking about his best friend all day. He wants to make sure he’s doing alright. However, he got no answer from the other line. “Jungkook? Hello?”
“Hyung.” Jungkook chokes out, tears falling on his face, hand clutching the phone tightly.
“Jungkook? What happened?” Seokjin asked, panicking with what he’s hearing.
“It - It hurts so much.” Jungkook covered his eyes with the sleeve of his shirt. Before Seokjin could even answer, he ended the phone call. He wants to be alone, again.
He thought he was getting better. He thought that he was making progress.
Turns out, a letter could change that drastically.
I shouldn’t have opened that envelope.
He brings his knees up to his chest, hugging them tightly, burying his head into his arms. Jungkook wants to scream, he wants to shout at the top of his lungs but there’s no voice coming out. He feels helpless and alone. Jungkook wiped his eyes harshly but it was useless with more tears replacing the previous ones instantly. Breathing became harder, pulling his blanket from the bed to cover his whole body, sinking further into himself.
Why did you fall out of love?
The blanket acts like a barrier, protecting Jungkook from the cruel reality. His hand clutches his chest, a pang of pain suddenly hitting him. It’s almost as if he could feel his heart shattering piece by piece.
I miss you so much.
Jungkook’s body tired itself out eventually, eyes closing to fall into a slumber.
Jungkook wakes up with the feeling of dried tears on his face. He doesn’t remember falling asleep. All he knows is that he’s dehydrated from crying, the letter even got some damp spots from his fallen tears. Looking at it properly, he noticed that the paper is crumpled now, just like his heart.
He unlocks his phone, ignoring all the missed messages and calls. It’s already 10:30pm, Jimin’s probably on his way to the park. Jungkook gets up from the floor, dragging his feet to the bathroom to freshen up a bit. While he washes his face with cold water, different thoughts are going through his mind:
Am I tired? Yes.
Do I look like shit? Definitely.
Will I regret not going? Most likely.
Will I regret going? Absolutely.
Am I still going to meet him? Maybe.
He ended up driving to the park somehow, and here he is. Sitting in his car, looking at the person on the bench. He knows that long down jacket, it used to be in his closet because of a certain someone always forgetting to bring it home. He sighed for the nth time today, unlocking the seat belt, getting out of the car.
Fuck it.
Walking towards Jimin felt like years. Most probably because of his hesitant footsteps that took more time than needed. What will they even talk about? Why did Jimin want to see him? The only thing Jungkook wishes for is that he won’t cry in front of him. That would be embarrassing. After a few mental curses, he finally got the courage to sit down.
Jimin jumped in his seat when he felt another presence beside him but he didn't look.
Awkward.
That’s the best word to describe their situation. It’s been five minutes since Jungkook sat down and yet none of them acknowledged each other. No glances, no talking, they’re just sitting on the bench. Jungkook was about to speak up to end the silence but Jimin beat him to it.
“M-Merry Christmas.” Jimin said, his hands are visibly shaking. Jungkook doesn’t know if it’s from the cold or his nervousness but he doesn’t focus on it. All he can think about right now is how much he missed that voice.
That sweet voice that used to whisper I love you’s in his ear every night before they went to bed. Jungkook has always loved Jimin’s voice, whether he was talking or singing.
Anything Jimin does is his favorite.
But things change, and right now, this Jimin won’t whisper sweet nothings into his ear anymore.
“I don’t know if I can call this day ‘merry’..” Jungkook chuckles bitterly.
“But for the sake of its social aspect, Merry Christmas to you too.” He continued, already feeling drained. He’s tired again, realizing he shouldn’t have come after all.
Jimin clears his throat before speaking, “I see that you’re wearing the ring, it looks good.” He said, trying to lighten the mood, staring at Jungkook’s ring finger.
“Yeah, thanks but it looked better on you.” Jungkook stated, staring at the ground, mumbling the last part of his sentence. He looked hurt, and he is. He can tell Jimin noticed his pained expression. After a moment, Jimin finally spoke again.
“I-I’m sorry, I didn’t really think this through. Sorry for wasting your time, Jungkook. Take care,” Jimin said, his voice almost inaudible. I can’t face him after all, I’m so stupid.
What was I thinking when I invited him to meet up with me?
Jimin was about to stand up until he heard Jungkook, “Jimin hyung.” He turned around, facing the younger one properly for the first time, breathing out a response. “Yes?”
“This sounds selfish but this could be our last meeting ever so uhm..” Jungkook gulps, gathering a bit of courage to continue, “Can you do me a favor?”
“What is it?” Jimin said, he was ready to leave but he can’t refuse now. Not that he isn’t curious as to what Jungkook’s request will be.
“Can I..” Jungkook starts, pausing to breathe in and out. He’s so nervous he can feel his palms getting sweaty.
“Can I hug you?” Jungkook finally asks, staring directly at Jimin. He wants to feel him in his arms for one last time. After everything he’s been through, a hug from Jimin will probably comfort him and hurt him at the same time. But for now, he wants to feel that comfort that no one could ever give him.
“Sure.”
Jungkook can’t control it anymore. After hearing his approval, the younger one immediately moved from his place. Standing in front of him, he was reminded that he’s taller than his hyung. Another one of his favorites, Jimin fits right into his arms. Like a missing piece in a puzzle. Jimin completes him. Jungkook reaches out, pulling him closer, finally hugging him after weeks.
Remember that one wish that Jungkook had before he went out of the car? It seems like the universe is against him since he could feel tears falling from his eyes the moment Jimin hugged him back.
Jimin smells good, sweet.
Like peaches or flowers.
Like home.
Jungkook knows that he’s probably taking advantage of his favor by now, deciding that it’s time to let go. He needs to break the hug, “I’ll miss you, Jimin.” He whispered, not even sure if he heard it. After a few seconds, Jungkook finally stepped back, showing a bittersweet smile to the other. Unexpectedly, Jimin stepped forward, standing on his tiptoes, leaving a peck on his cheek. “Take care, Jungkook.”
And just like the start of his day, he’s by himself again. It was just him and his thoughts alone, but this time, he’s sitting on a bench outside at a park, snow falling onto his hair and clothes.
It felt cold but it’s bearable.
Nothing can beat the cold that he feels within.
Where do you go when home leaves you?