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It’s okay if he just keeps breathing. Just. Breathe.
He suddenly becomes self conscious about everything about him. Maybe back at his place he should’ve put on something nicer than just his black t-shirt and white shorts. Brings his hand up to his maroon hair and twirls a piece in his hand. He could’ve at least pulled it back, could’ve made himself seem more presentable--
He’s over thinking things again. Leans his head on the door in front of him and focuses on what he came here to do: to hang out with Haru and Makoto, maybe watch a movie, order in. It’s what they’ve been doing ever since he got back from studying abroad; a way to catch up and to get back to normal between the three of them as quickly as possible. It’s fun, it really is. But it’s getting harder with every visit. Why’d he have to love Makoto when Haru is clearly the only person Makoto sees in that way?
Damn it. Just get it together, Rin.
Sighs and stands back upright and opens the door. Makoto never keeps his door locked. Not the smartest thing but honestly it’s quite convenient for him not to have to remember a key. He walks in and--
It’s dead quiet. Usually Makoto and Haru have already claimed their spots on the couch together and have a movie queued up. But now he can’t find anyone in sight.
“Makoto? Ay, Makoto!”
The noise of something, or someone, crashing on the floor has him flinging his shoes off and running to the source.
He finds Makoto sitting on the floor rubbing one of his shoulders. Before he can say anything, Makoto reaches a hand out towards him and chuckles to himself with that adorable smile. He walks towards him and grabs the outstretched hand, pulling Makoto to stand. He really hopes his hands aren’t as sweaty as he thinks they are.
“Thanks, Rin.”
They’re still holding hands. He really tries to pay more attention on what he should be thinking about--the fact Makoto just fell to the floor--but it sticks in his mind. Tries not to look down at their intertwined hands--
But he does, and then that’s it. Makoto moves his gaze to see what he’s staring at and quickly slides his hand out of Rin’s.
“N-No problem,” Rin smiles fondly and just stuffs his hands in his pockets. “What the hell were you doing that made you fall on the ground?”
“Elsa is stuck on the top of my bookshelf so I was trying to coax her down but… It didn’t work, I guess.” Makoto drags his hand through his hair and does that stupid smile to himself that makes Rin’s stomach dip from the butterflies inside. Makoto turns and starts to point to where he saw Elsa. “She should still be--”
Elsa isn’t there though. She’s sitting on the bed. Makoto immediately flushes and whips around to face him. “I-I swear she w-as--”
“Makoto, it’s fine. I believe you.”
A soft body presses against his leg and he finds Elsa brushing against his foot, purring softly. Crouches down and slowly offers his hand to the cat who nuzzles up to it.
“She always seems to come right to you whether you ask her to or not.” Rin just keeps petting Elsa and wishes that he could shrug that sentence off. It probably isn’t a compliment but Rin might just be taking it as one.
Makoto squats down not more than a minute later and joins him in petting Elsa. No one talks and it’s a comfortable silence, aside from Rin’s brain running in overdrive. It's making him think about the small calluses on his hands, the way his hands are probably trembling slightly, careful not to brush fingers with Makoto.
It’s all fine until Makoto raises his head and the small motion makes Rin raise his head as well. Makoto is looking at him from under his lashes and--they are close. And Makoto’s fingers stop right as they meet Rin’s. No one seems to breathe, not like Rin can himself even though he wants to.
He’s mostly looking at Makoto’s eyelashes because there is no way he could look right into his eyes but--
He’s most definitely looking at his eyes now. Feels his pulse throughout his whole body and becomes hyper aware of just how little they’re actually touching--shit, but it’s also too much. No one’s moving though and Makoto is still just looking up through his lashes like nothing is wrong with this: how they’re touching but not really, how close they are and maybe he could lean in just a bit and actually make something of this moment finally.
Makoto is the one who flickers his gaze down towards the cat and then looks him straight in the eye, and the cheeks full of red make his heart jump slightly but then Makoto is tilting his head as he smiles and says, “Shall we start the movie?”
The hand on top of his just moments before is removed and then Makoto moves out of the bedroom. Rin quickly shuffles up to standing and feels his cheeks--yes, they’re burning from the blush still residing there.
Trails his hands down his flushed cheeks and takes a big breath in. This--it shouldn't be so hard. Shouldn't be this hard to support someone from the side and love them at the same time. But it is.
And it’s also terrifying. To know his love will never reach Makoto--
He exhales sharply and forces himself to stop making crescents in his palms. Makoto has been there for him and--he's just always been so nice to Rin. He needs to at least do the same for him.
The sound of Makoto setting up the movie is the only real sound and Rin walks forwards towards the very bookshelf Elsa had climbed onto and--he should have expected that it would be filled with pictures of Haru. Not one without a smile gracing Makoto's face. The photos in front of him just remind him that he’s the guy on the sidelines. Walks away quickly and huffs a breath out before walking to where Makoto is. No use dwelling on the obvious.
Makoto hears his footsteps because he doesn’t flinch when Rin sits down on the couch, making it jostle slightly; eyes still focusing on the phone in his hand.
“Any recommendations for what to watch?” Makoto leans forward to place his phone down and then adjusts himself on the cushion.
“Nothing in particular.”
“Okay then, I’ll just see what’s popular right--”
“Where’s Haru?”
The question leaves Rin burning from the inside. It had to be asked; it’d be rude not to do so. But--it’s also the last thing he wanted to come out of his mouth.
“Oh, he said he had to stay behind at school to make up a test. Kind of lonely here without him, isn’t it?”
And that’s just what he didn’t want to hear. Flinches just a bit unconsciously--touches Makoto with that and now his brain really is in a scramble. He can see Makoto turning his head in his peripheral vision and he just stares at the wall in front of him like his life depends on it. Nothing happened, nothing happened, nothing happened--
“Rin--”
“Bathroom.” Stands quickly and walks as fast as normal can go and doesn’t have enough mind to close the door softly. Just slides down the door until he hits the floor and his knees are touching his forehead.
He could leave now; Makoto wouldn’t question him. Needs to get out of this place. It’s starting to suffocate him anyways. An excuse, he needs one. The tv said it’d rain later today, right? He’ll say he needs to leave so he doesn’t get caught in it--no, that was tomorrow’s forecast.
The sound of the menu screen starts playing which means Rin has been sitting in here for longer than he thought so. He stands and flushes the toilet to at least make his coming in here seem like he wasn’t sitting here on the floor.
He opens the door and wills the awkward air away as he makes his way back to the couch. Sits a comfortable distance away this time and toys with the hem of his shirt.
Makoto clears his throat softly and turns to Rin. “Ready? I made some popcorn if you want some.” The bowl of said food makes its way to the middle of the two of them and Rin turns just enough so he can make sure Makoto sees the nod of his head.
The movie is probably really good as Makoto hasn’t shifted his gaze at all but Rin hasn’t comprehended even one detail yet. Too concentrated in trying to normalize everything about him. Reaches for some popcorn--and brushes along Makoto’s hand. Shifts his hand quickly away and looks towards Makoto--he’s overreacting. Makoto’s still entranced by the movie, he’s still sitting a mile away from him, and--a hand brushing a hand isn’t going to tell the world he loves Makoto.
Breathing. Right, that thing.
The movie goes on for a good while and Rin isn’t nearly as shaky as he was at the start. His hand brushes Makoto’s on occasion while reaching for the same food and, though Rin sits up a little straighter with each touch, he manages to keep his reactions at bay. It’s a small improvement but it’s a step in the right direction. A direction of supporting Makoto and Haru.
The credits roll and neither move; still looking at the screen as if it was just as interesting as the movie itself. Makoto stands up and stretches a bit to get the creaks out and-- his shirt rides up just enough for his toned stomach to show. Rin can’t help but latch on to the scene with his eyes: tan and sculpted, it’s nothing Rin hasn’t seen, seeing as they’ve obviously been through many summers together as friends but, when it’s unintentional like this, he can’t help the butterflies from growing in his belly.
Snaps his gaze back to the screen when Makoto rights himself and tries to erase what he saw from memory. Can’t, or, more like it’s impossible to do but--it’s okay. Shoves it off to deal with for another day and doesn’t look when Makoto makes a leave towards the kitchen with the empty popcorn bowl.
He stands up and fidgets with the hem of his shirt. The water tap turns on, probably just Makoto cleaning up and--the idea of being together with Makoto just keeps getting better each second. To wake up and see his warm smile or just being able to be held in his arms. It sounds like a far fetched dream but Rin can't help but wander to that part of his mind. But in the end, it's still just a fleeting thought.
There isn’t much to do here anymore. Can’t do any of their normal fun things without a third person and, though he racks his brain for other ideas, Rin can’t think of anything to do just with Makoto that wouldn’t end up with his brain malfunctioning on him.
He moves towards the front door to make a quiet escape; a painless retreat.
It’s really his time to go now--
A warm hand grabs his wrist and turns him around. The sound of the sink is off, leaving the stray drops falling as the only sound in the air.
“Rin? I--are you fine?” The look of concern in Makoto’s eyes are heartbreaking and looking up into them--he can’t answer aloud.
No, he isn’t fine. Hasn’t been since the day he knew Makoto probably had a thing for Haru, when Haru stood just a little closer to Makoto whenever the three of them would go out somewhere, when that large, warm, knowing smile was no longer pointed at Haru and Rin but just at Haru.
He’s shaking and he knows Makoto can feel it but he’s done with this caring thing and just lets himself be. Bites his lip and stares at the ground.
“N-No, I’m not fine.” Somehow his voice comes out clear and he hears Makoto’s breath hitch. He knows Makoto probably figured it out. He’s not dumb, knows Rin isn’t talking about being sick. It’s scary and--he just doesn’t want their friendship ruined.
His wrist is tugged slightly and he half trips over himself and stumbles up to standing right in front of Makoto. Looks up slightly and sees Makoto slowly lean towards him--
Their lips barely touch. Shaky breaths come from Makoto and Rin is right there to mimic them the same. Their eyes are half closed and Makoto’s free hand is hovering over Rin’s cheek.
Makoto looks like he’s about to say something--swallows it down and licks his lips. Rin’s eyes catch his tongue and follow its every movement. Feels Makoto’s hand tighten his grip as if Rin was going to leave--there’s no way he could--and Makoto brings their lips to touch. A shock of energy goes through Rin's body. Neither close their eyes all the way--still searching, seeing if this is really okay. The hand on Rin’s cheek slides to the bottom of his head and presses Rin closer to Makoto. No one makes a move to deepen the kiss, yet, lips moving so slowly, almost hesitantly, against each other and the butterflies return in Rin’s stomach.
He’s pretty sure Makoto can feel his heart pounding out of his chest. Pounding throughout his whole body because--just--how is this happening? He… he wants this to last forever. Never wants to be more than an inch away from this guy in front of him but--Haru. Why’d he have to think of this now?
Makes to pull away but Makoto leans towards him and uses his hand to keep Rin’s head in place. That wasn’t what he expected Makoto to do. Not at all. His breath catches in his throat and, while he still has control of his words, mumbles on Makoto’s lips, “B-but, what about Haru?”
Makoto freezes and pulls back ever so slightly just so he can look Rin in the eye. Breath mixing between the two of them and Makoto brings both hands to Rin’s face.
“H-Haru? What about him?”
Pants fill up the silence and the look of genuine confusion is on Makoto’s face.
“Don’t you--aren’t…” Tries to duck his head but ends up just nuzzling into the hands holding his face straight. Why in the world is he bringing up this now? Probably sounds and looks weird, bringing up another person in the middle of this all but, “Aren’t you and H-Haru together?” Really wants to shut his eyes but finds what’s left of his strength to keep them open and focuses them on Makoto.
“You think that… Haru and… Why?”
“I-I just assumed since you both are always… so happy together--” The ending fades out and the red on his cheeks gets darker. Breathes deeper and squeezes his eyes shut. Doesn’t bother with the tears the form at the edges of his eyes. Just sags down and brings his hands to the broad shoulders in front of him.
“Rin,” he doesn't budge. “Rin…” Soft thumbs circle on his cheeks to coax him. Eventually, he looks up and meets Makoto’s gaze. The sight Rin sees isn’t what he assumed it would be: Makoto’s face is covered in a blush and his eyes are visibly shaking, he’s nervous but--Rin can see that but, still--he’s not stopping and turning away. "I--" Bites his lip before soothing it with his tongue. "Haru's never been anything more than a friend. I care for him a lot but, that's where it ends." Makoto looks like he's about to say more but then seals his lips closed.
He wants to--needs to know what Makoto was about to say. Knows it was probably important. He can't leave without knowing; absolutely can't.
Ducks his head slightly and whispers, "W-Will you tell me... what you were going to say..?"
He's not even sure Makoto heard him--
"That maybe things could be...d-different... with you."
His breath hitches and keeps staring at the shirt in front of him. It's like someone stole every ounce of air from him. Can't even move, and his body is lit up everywhere.
"Does that... mean--"
The smile Makoto gives answers any questions Rin has. Flushes down to his neck and it's all he can do to wrap his arms around the body in front of him before his breath hitches and tears silently fall.
No one should be able to smile like that. It's like Makoto's been waiting his whole life to say that and now he can finally smile. And it's so beautiful, happy, just... Makoto.
Manages to compose himself for a moment and leans away to look at Makoto. Takes a wavering breath. "A-Are you sure, I'm worth your time?"
Makoto nods his head, far more times than what is necessary, and chokes out an "Of course, Rin." before hugging Rin back into his arms.
It's perfect. This moment is something that was only a dream and now--it's actually something. The obvious thought of knowing they will eventually move away from each other is ever present but is shoved to the side. The thought of his overly simple clothes or unruly hair is gone. Only paying attention to Makoto.
Rin's crying starts again but the constant motion of Makoto's hand on his back starts to soothe them away. Looks up when his breath has evened, and gives Makoto a smile of his own. One that's so completely happy. Makoto simply gives an equally happy smile and slides one hand down to meet Rin's. Fingers intertwine and he feels a squeeze from Makoto before he's being pulled towards the couch.
"W-What are you doing--"
Makoto turns his head over his shoulder, "Would you like to watch another movie maybe?"
Can't nod his head fast enough--the realization that he probably looks like a frantic person comes too late as Makoto just chuckles to himself.
Pulls Rin over to the couch and--Rin's pulled onto Makoto lap before he can protest.
"Shall we get started?"
Whether Makoto's talking about the movie or something entirely different, it... Rin doesn't mind. Completely overwhelmed from his emotions but--he's sitting with Makoto, and they both have the biggest smiles on their faces and--
This is okay. More than okay. Doesn't think of what will happen next. Just, lies with Makoto, and breathes. Breathes calmer than he's ever breathed before.
Yes, he can do this, for as long as Makoto wants.