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Cullen attempted to read Rylen's report from the Western Approach for the tenth time before he finally gave up and tossed the rolls of parchment on his desk. The candles in the room where burning low. The hour was late. Cullen was in pain and he was tired. His withdrawal was slowly becoming easier to bare but there were still days when his mind and body fought treacherous battles against each other.
But when she was with him he always felt better.
Adele had been gone for over two weeks now. This was far from being her longest absence but his cravings for lyrium had been especially frequent and enticing the past few days it seemed to him as though he last saw her months ago instead of a fortnight. If he could only hold her in his arms, the pain would melt away...
Scout Harding had sent a message that arrived the day before detailing the Inquisitor's progress in the Exalted Plains. It sounded exhausting. From what Cullen gathered it seemed as though Adele never rested; she went from one place to the next and only stopped at camps briefly to replenish supplies, sharpen her daggers and check in on news and the status of requisitions.
Why does she do this to herself? He thought. If only I could go with her and help her...
But he could not follow her when she went. He was too unstable. All he could do was watch her ride away every time she was needed and pray to the Maker that she would come back. His place was at Skyhold, managing their armed forces as best he could and her place was out there, saving the world. Her face was the one people wanted, needed to see.
Her beautiful face. Her smile. Her eyes. And her hair. Cullen loved her hair. The long chestnut locks that were thick yet somehow as soft as silk. He loved how they framed her face gently then fell down her back and curled a little at the end. And it always smelled of lavender. Even when she returned from a campaign and there was dirt and sweat clinging to every inch of her a faint scent of lavender always lingered in her tresses.
With thoughts of her swirling through his mind Cullen braced his hands on the strong wood of his desk and released a long breath. Thinking of her made it both better and worse. She drove away thoughts of lyrium but she also intensified his longing.
He was wound tight, due to Adele and the lyrium. One source of relief was nearby and instant whereas the other was far away, unreachable.
As Cullen stared at his hands familiar thoughts began invading his mind. He tried to overcome them by picturing Adele; the smile she gave him every time she rode into the courtyard, the little moans he could coax out of her when he kissed her neck, how her face looked when she was in ecstasy.....
But tonight the blue glow of lyrium overwhelmed memories of her. His hands began to shake, tremors that quickly traveled across his entire body. His brow produced small beads of sweat and his grip on the desk was like iron.
He could do it.
It would be so easy for him to take it. He would feel so much better. He would be happier and in less pain. Just once. She would never know...
A dam suddenly burst within him and with a momentary surge of strength Cullen roared in rage and flipped over his desk, his many papers and a couple of glasses scattering and shattering around the room.
He breathed heavily as he observed the destruction of his addiction and his hatred of it. In that moment, he also acutely felt his hatred of himself when he wanted to succumbed to the lyrium.
After a few minutes he calmed his breath, rubbed his face hard with his hands and slowly went about putting his office back together.
When he was finish he looked around briefly to make certain everything was in order. He then stepped out onto the battlements and took a long, deep breath.
This is what he had tried to warn Cassandra about.
Cullen hung his head in near defeat.
It was all too much.
The lyrium. The Inquisition. The War. Adele.
She was the one light in the dark tunnel that was currently his life. And he needed her to return and burn brighter than ever before.
As he looked out over the mountains Cullen shook his head and cursed himself. Such a selfish thought, to want her all to himself. He was not the only one in pain. There was so many who needed the Herald of Andraste and he could not take her and lock her up all for himself, no matter how badly he wanted to.
Cullen remembered the first time he kissed her on the very spot where he was now standing, several months ago. He had a most ridiculous grin on his face the rest of that day, his happiness overshadowing any trace of embarrassment at how awkward he had been around her. He thought she was beautiful the first time he saw at Haven her but never imagined it would become anything more. But as time went on and he caught more of her glances and noticed that she sought him out more than anyone else he began to hope. His desire for her slowly paired with a deeper need, one of the heart and the mind as well as the flesh, and soon her presence was what he sought above anything else. After he kissed her that day his need for her became insatiable. She was, in a way, his new form of lyrium. Yet there was so little they could do. A stolen kiss here and there, some meaningful looks, some conversation. But barely anything more. He was always needed for the soldiers and she was always needed everywhere else. It wasn't until after Adamant that he could take it no longer. He had come close to losing her and the thought of it terrified him. He had fumbled over his words but she knew what he needed, what he wanted that night. She had wanted the same thing.
And she had been as glorious as he had imagined. When they awoke the next morning and she told him she loved him Cullen could have died a happy man. He not only loved but was also loved in return. After everything he had been through he felt he could ask for no more.
He was angry at himself for thinking, just moments ago, that he could take lyrium and not tell her. As if he could take it once to pacify his need for her and then never again. As if it could replace her.
He was a fool. A stupid fool. More often than not Cullen thought that she deserved better than an addicted, tortured soul like himself but whenever he told her so she always silence him with a sweet kiss.
After the first time he had her in his bed they made no secret of their love. Adele was open yet subtle about it and Cullen maintained his professional demeanor but greatly enjoyed the little things he was now able to do. A light peck on her brow, his hand on the small of her back, the possessive look of warning he bestowed on anyone who ogled her when she wasn't looking but he was. She was a beautiful woman and Cullen was a possessive man, at least when it came to her. She had chosen him. She was his.
"Adele..." he said softly into the night.
Come back to me.
As if the Maker heard his silent prayer there was the sudden sound of a horn blowing from the narrow mountain road leading to Skyhold.
He knew that horn. She was back.
Sure enough coming towards the fortress he saw a group of riders, their torches gleaming against the black of the night. Cullen could faintly make out the rider leading the group; a white steed carrying the most precious burden.
Cullen jolted from his place and almost raced along the battlements and down the stairs to greet her. Others were gathering to meet the Inquisitor and her party as well but he paid them little attention.
He saw Leliana, Cassandra and Josephine walking down the steps of the main hall after he found a place in the courtyard to wait and stand. They came to stand beside him and seeing the impatience lining his features bestowed knowing smiles on him.
The gate slowly creaked open and after what seemed like an eternity she was finally there. Adele dismounted swiftly and before Cullen could say her name she was in his arms holding him tightly. He held on to her in return, relishing the feel of her small but strong body pressed against his and her delicious smell. Cullen buried his face in her neck and with a long breath he released all of his tension from before. Adele nuzzled her face into his furs and hugged him tighter.
"I missed you," she breathed.
"And I you". Cullen slowly pulled back and gave her a quick and gentle kiss before allowing her to greet the three woman standing behind him with affectionate smirks on their faces. He wanted nothing more than to ravish her then and there her but there would be plenty of time for that later.
Dorian, Sera and Blackwall had gone with the Inquisitor on this trip but they were currently occupied chatting with their own companions, and the soldiers that went with them knew well enough by now to not approach their Commander when he was with the Inquisitor. They waited for Cullen and Adele to separate before walking towards them but Cullen held up a hand with authority and gave them some good news.
"It is late. All of you go and rest. We can debrief in the morning."
The soldiers all sagged in relief; they longed for their beds in warm quarters instead of bedrolls in tents.
As the soldiers walked towards their lodgings Cullen turned back to Adele and placed a guiding hand low on her back. Their small group began ascending the stairs towards the main hall.
"Welcome back Inquisitor." Josephine said. "I hope our campaign in the Exalted Plains is going well."
"As well as we could have hoped. Most of the undead in the region have been taken care of and we have established a connection with a Dalish clan out there. There is even one among them who wishes to join us but we must earn favor with the clan before the leader allows it."
"A Dalish alliance would be most beneficial," Leliana commented.
"Yes, providing that this elf is true in his desire to be a part of the Inquisition," Cassandra added.
They walked the rest of the way in silence, all of them enjoying the quiet of the night and the brief feeling of calm when all of their close friends were safely within the confines of Skyhold.
Cullen was silent for another reason; he could not stop looking at Adele. He had already memorized her features, every inch of her body, but whenever she retured after being away he could not help himself from drinking her in as if it was the first time he laid eyes on her.
Cullen noted that her skin was slightly tanned and that her eyes were weary. She most likely barely slept these past two weeks. Her two daggers still hung by her belt at her side and the leather armor she was wearing was scuffed and stained. Her hair was in an elaborate braid with windblown strands about her neck. She was more beautiful to him now than she had even been.
When they reached the center of the great hall Adele made a decision Cullen greatly approved of.
"I believe it would be best if we retired for the night. I am in desperate need of a bath and a good night's rest. I can provide a full report tomorrow morning when we meet." Her voice was soft and gentle but there was an authority to Adele's voice that she had developed ever since she embraced her role as Inquisitor.
"Of course. Go rest Adele. We will see you in the morning." Leliana said before bidding goodnight to everyone and heading in the direction of her own quarters. They were all friends at this point and when others were not around titles slipped away and names were used instead.
"I am glad you are back safely my friend." Cassandra gave her a gentle pat on the shoulder before retiring herself.
Only Josephine was left, always the last one, making sure that everything was in order before she ended her day.
"We had not expected you back so soon. I would have had a proper meal ready for you had I known," Josephine explained.
Adele leaned into Cullen out of exhaustion. Cullen wrapped an arm around her waist.
"Do not worry Josie. We had not planned on returning so soon ourselves but the Plains were calm and the weather allowed for travel so we took advantage."
"Well, regardless, I am glad we were all awake to greet you," the ambassador said with a smile.
"Why were you all up this late?" Adele inquired. "It is past midnight."
"Our work is never done, unfortunately. This past week has been especially busy and almost everyone has been staying up late every night."
"I know the feeling. There is always something more, isn't there?," Adele said with a yawn.
"Forgive me, I did not mean to deter you." Josephine said quickly. "Rest and we will speak tomorrow." Like Cassandra she gave Adele a pat on the shoulder then walked past her and Cullen. "Have a good night....both of you," Josephine added with a wink before she disappeared behind one of the many wooden doors of the hall.
Adele and Cullen chuckled, the two of them accustomed to their friends' teasing.
Adele then grabbed Cullen's hand and led him to her quarters without another word.
As they walked up the stairs to her room Cullen's self control was quickly beginning to fray. They were finally alone but she was clearly tired to the bone. He wanted her and he needed her desperately but he would not force his desire on her if she needed to rest first.
When they reached the top of the stairs Cullen rubbed her back gently and was about to ask her if she wanted him to call for a bath for her but he never got the chance as Adele's lips descended on his in a fierce kiss.
Cullen needed no further encouragement as her wrapped his arms around her and pulled her against him as tightly as he could.
Her mouth was hot a greedy against his and her tongue dueled with his. She was already making small noises of pleasure that shot through his body and went right to his groin where he was hardening at an impressive speed.
Adele ran her hands up his chest and then up his arms and to his face. She plunged her fingers into his hair and pulled his mouth harder against hers.
Oh how she had missed him.
His strength, his warmth and especially the love in his eyes when he looked at her. The entire time they rode to Skyhold all she could think about was how she felt when he held her tight and how his weight felt on top of her while they made love. She ached for him, for his body and his voice and now that he was before her and they were alone she could not contain herself. She felt the same longing radiating from him and heat shot through her. She loved how much he wanted her. She knew she had so much power over him but that knowledge made her humble in return. The thought of a man as strong and powerful as Cullen pinning for her made her weak at the knees. The power he allowed her over him made her a slave to her own desires.
The moment they entered her chamber she knew that tonight would be hard and fast, exactly like the two of them needed.
When she dismounted her horse and ran to him she could see relief flood his body and a serenity take over his features, much to her happiness. That peacefulness stayed with him until they were climbing her stairs at which point she could sense the tension seeping back into his body.
As much as it was desire for her she also knew it was the withdrawal. Before she had left he had been doing well but in the look she briefly saw on his face when she first entered the courtyard she detected strain and anger. That look was erased when their eyes met but she knew that after their most immediate needs and passions were satisfied there would be a discussion. One that they have had many times.
But in that moment all Adele could think about was the feel of his muscled chest against her own and his strong arms around her body. He had discarded his armor earlier in the night and only worn a light vest, tunic and trousers but she had on her full set.
Cullen quickly made work of all of her fastenings and buckles, taking small pauses to kiss her hotly in between tasks, and after a few minutes she was naked and writhing against him.
Feeling like she was at a disadvantage Adele reached for his vest and tunic and pulled them of his body was such determination that Cullen growled into her mouth when he kissed her again and bit her lower lip. She moaned in response and sent a small hand traveling down his body to run over the bulge in his trousers. It was Cullen's turn to moan as she ran her hand along his length.
"I don't think either of us could stand for much teasing tonight," he said huskily against her mouth then moved to trail wet kisses down her neck to her shoulder.
"I agree," Adele's voice hitched as Cullen ran his teeth along a sensitive part of shoulder. She retaliated by rubbing him a little harder through his trousers.
Cullen groaned deeply then broke their kiss. Adele had only a moment to look at him through hazy eyes before he lifted her off her feet and carried her to the bed. He placed her on the civers and immediately covered her body with his. His large hands grabbed her hips roughly and squeezed hard for a moment before moving on. One hand traveled up to cup her breast while the other went in the other direction, running down her thigh and to her knee then hitching her leg around his waist.
Adele loved when Cullen took control and she allowed him to mold her body to him. Her core was pressed tight against his lap and she rubbed against him causing loud moans to escape both of them.
Cullen, on his knees, leaned over and claimed her mouth with his own. The hand that was at her breast remained there while the other grabbed both of her wrists and held them in a hard grip over her head. Adele wrapped her other leg around his waist and arched her back pressing more of herself into his eager palm. She was nimble and she knew what she liked and both of those attributes drove Cullen absolutely mad with desire.
He continued to kiss and fondle her while enjoying the noises of pleasure she made but as good as his lips and hand felt Adele was growing impatient for more. Usually they took their time when making love and worshiped each other's bodies for as long as they could hold out before lust overtook their senses but this was not such a night.
Adele needed him inside her. Now.
"Cullen," she breathed in between kisses. "I want you. Please."
He lifted his face to look at her and almost came undone. Her chest was heaving with ragged breathes, her lips were swollen and wet from his kisses, her hair was splayed against the pillow and her eyes were dark with desire. For him.
Cullen leaned down for one more hard kiss then removed his trousers and smalls with one hand while keeping her own bound above her head. The fact that she allowed him to control her made his blood burn and every time she feigned to struggle against his grip he felt a surge of white hot lust surge through him.
Once his trousers were discarded he returned to his position on his knees. Adela eagerly wrapped her legs around him again and this time when her hot, wet center met his burning skin she moaned in anticipation and he hissed in pleasure.
He wasted no item is aligning himself then thrusting into her with one smooth motion. Both moaned loudly in satisfaction when he was sheathed within her. It would not take long for either of them.
Cullen resisted the urge to move, knowing she needed a few moments to adjust to him. She was hot and wet and tight around him and it took all of his training in self control to not start taking her mercilessly. All he could do was look down at her in awe until she was ready.
Adele knew she would be sore in the morning. Cullen was large, long and thick and he filled her completely. She rook a moment and allowed her body to adjust to him before opening her eyes and when she did she found her lover looking at her in a way that made her heart melt. This was why she loved him so; even in the throes of passion he was tender. She gave him a radiant smile and he leaned down to kiss her. She controlled the kiss and it was unexpectedly slow, as if she was memorizing every detail of his lips with her own. When she withdrew from his mouth Adele brought her lips to his ear.
"Take me, Cullen," she whispered.
All of his restraint broke.
His free hand grabbed her waist and he began thrusting into as hard and as fast as he could. Their moans and groans mingled together and soon their bodies moved against each other in perfect rhythm. Sweat-soaked skinned met skin. Adele's breasts pressed against his chest when he leaned down to kiss again her before resting his forehead against hers as he took her.
Her core was gripping him as her pleasure soared and he was stretching her as much as she could take and they both gloried in it. His thrusts never lost their maddening pace and he continued to pound into her and it was not long before Adela threw her head back against the pillow; her sign that she was close.
Cullen immediately released her hip and brought his hand down to where they were joined. He began to rub and press against that sensitive nub between her legs and was rewarded with his name falling from her lips over and over again like a prayer. He could feel his own completion nearing and with the last of his strength he increased his speed and thrust into her even harder while he buried his face in her neck and nipped at her throat.
When she came he released her hands and allowed her to wrap her arms around him and hold on to him until her powerful tremors subsided. Her walls squeezing him triggered his own climax and his own ragged moans joined her breathy ones.
They stayed entangled together for some time, enjoying the feel of their bodies pressed together. When Adele shivered after what seemed like hours Cullen gently moved off of her and pulled the covers aside. She crawled beneath them and turned to face away from him and Cullen instantly gathered her in his arms and pulled her to him. His kissed her shoulder then allowed his head to fall on the pillow while his nose nuzzled her hair gently.
Adele sighed contentedly and pushed herself against him, seeking warmth. Cullen put one of his muscular legs over both of hers, pinning her down to the bed. Adele didn't mind; she enjoyed the weight of him.
Both closed their eyes but neither was asleep.
Adele was the one to break the lazy silence.
"I love you."
"I love you too. I'm hiding your horse so you can never leave again."
Adele chuckled.
"You think I'm joking?" Cullen was joking, but a small part of his was strongly considering following through with the idea.
There was a few minutes of silence before Adele spoke again.
"How do you feel?"
He knew what she was referring to without having to ask.
"Right after you left it was fine but as the days went on it got worse. The last few days have been especially bad."
"The usual?"
"Yes, just the pain, the headaches. The cravings yesterday and today were strong."
"Did you take any?"
Adele knew the question would offend him somewhat but she had to ask.
Cullen took a moment to answer. He was tempted to lie to her but he knew she would see right through him is she did.
"I thought about it a few times when the pain was really bad but no, I didn't take any," he answered quietly and Adele could hear a hint of shame in his voice.
She turned in his arms and kissed him, long and slow.
"I'm proud of you," she said when she released his lips. She lifted her hand and lightly ran her fingers through his hair.
"You shouldn't be. Shortly before you arrived I threw my desk over."
"Why?"
Cullen considered how to explain to her what happened and after a long minutes decided that, once again, the truth was the best option.
"I was thinking about you but then....I couldn't control it and I began thinking about lyrium and no matter how hard I tried to drive it from my mind and focus on you I couldn't...I thought about taking it and not telling you, just for some relief but when I realized what I wanted to do I was angry at myself so...so..."
"Your desk became a victim?" She finished for him softly and lowered her hand to rest on his cheek.
"How can you say that so lightly?" Cullen roughly sat up in frustration. "I thought about lying to you, about replacing you with lyrium. You should be angry at me!"
If it had been the beginning of their relationship Adele would have been concerned, but as they had spoken about this a great deal over the past several months she was not taken aback by his anger. This was part of his addiction. The talking and the blaming and the anger were part of his withdrawal. All she could do was be there for him and repeat the words she knew to be true until he believed them too.
"I am not angry with you. What matters is that you didn't take the lyrium. Everything else will become easier as time goes on."
"What would you do if I had taken it?" Cullen didn't look at her as he said this; he stared at the roaring fireplace across from the bed instead.
This caught Adele completely off guard. He had never asked her such a question before.
Slowly she lifted herself off the mattress as she considered her answer.
The silence stretched long and Cullen began to feel a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach. He shouldn't have asked her this but it just popped out.
Maker help me....
Cullen was shocked when Adele finally moved from her position and gently pushed his back against the headboard of the bed as she sat herself down on his lap. He was sitting and she was on her knees with her legs on either side of his thighs. Their faces were level and Adele moved his arms and brought them to her waist then lifted her palms to hold his face gently.
She kissed him then, one of those slow, gentle, loving kisses she gave him when he needed her comfort and reassurance.
Adele had carefully considered what she would have done if Cullen had taken lyrium. She would have been angry and hurt, yes, but she would never leave him. If she did she knew he would run head first back to his addiction and then he would surely be destroyed. She could never allow that to happen, no matter what her own feelings were. She loved him too much. When she chose him she chose everything that came along with him, and she knew he was more than worth it all, even if he did not yet believe so himself.
The knot in Cullen's stomach unraveled as her soft lips continued to caress his.
This would be all the answer she would give him...and it was all he needed, for the time being.