Chapter Text
Some time after the storm in their lives had somewhat settled, Fili came to realize that in a way, he had always known the Secret. He just hadn’t been aware of it. He had been preoccupied enough with his own secrets. But it made him wonder: had their parents made different choices in their lives, would anything – anything – have gone the way it had? And would it have been better if things were different? The latter question was what sometimes kept him up at night. Other times, it was the warm, naked body pressed eagerly against his in the dark.
*
When Kili was born, Fili knew immediately that he was the most beautiful baby who ever lived. From the chubby little toes to the bright brown eyes that stared up at him curiously, Kili was perfect. He was resting peacefully on their mother’s lap by the time Fili was let in the room with their father, who stood overwhelmed by the foot of the bed while Fili went straight to the baby. Mother looked very tired but she smiled at the little bundle in her arms.
“He looks very happy to meet you, Fili.”
And sure enough, when Fili extented his hand to carefully touch the baby’s tiny fingers, it grabbed his thumb with a fierceness that surprised him. How could such delicate little creature, not yet two hours old, have such an unyielding grip?
Mother chuckled very softly at his excited face. “You’re a brother now, Fili. A big brother.”
As she spoke, her eyes – exactly the same shade of brown as little Kili’s – were suddenly full of tears. “What’s wrong, Mother?” Fili asked, worried.
She could only sob as an answer, but now Father had sat down by her side on the bed and gently put his hand on her shoulder. “Your mother is very exhausted. Giving birth is a trying task. It is normal to be emotional afterwards.” His voice seemed to tremble ever so slightly in Fili’s ears, but he managed to smile at his eldest son before turning his eyes to the new baby.
For a moment, he just stared at Kili. Then he he said, with a hushed voice: “He’s beautiful, Dis.” And Mother burst into even louder sobs, large tears falling from her eyes to the baby’s swaddle. Father gestured voicelessly for Fili to take the baby, and Fili sat steadily on the bed before lifting his little brother on his lap with short but sure arms. For a moment, he thought that he saw tears glistening in his father’s eyes too, but that was impossible. Father never cried.
Fili focused on Kili again. The baby seemed sleepy, and Fili watched with an endless fascination how he slowly drifted asleep, eyes not leaving Fili’s face until they closed. He listened to the baby’s steady, soothing breaths and very lightly caressed the impossibly soft cheek. Had he not been so immensely absorbed in this precious thing before him, he might have noticed that Mother was still quietly crying and that Father had not touched the baby once.