Chapter Text
She hit the pavement. With a loud thud at that. Had it not been for her horridly frumpy dress, she would have scabbed a knee.
“Good God Penelope, are you alright?” Colin asked as he pulled her up. He didn’t expect her to trip on her own feet.
Penelope was in an absolute daze.
“Just fine”, she responded. Her only prayer was that the ground would engulf her. Nothing could be mortifying than this.
Did she hear him right? Marriage? To Colin? Not that she didn’t want to say yes. But marriage? To Colin? Was this a dream?
“You look aghast”
Penelope’s eyes widened, as if only realizing that everything that was happening was real and not some delirious fantasy. “Do I?”. She touched her face, trying to bring some color back to her cheeks but her hands were just as cold.
Colin looked at her confused.
“What’s wrong, Pen?”
Yes, well, what was wrong exactly? Penelope thought in her head.
Could it be him discovering that she was THE Lady Whistledown, who wrote blunders about the ton?
Could it be him scolding her like an irresponsible child for going even farther than the outskirts of town? Which she would or would not admit having had made her heart beat fervently.
Could it the pleasurably electrifying albeit scandalous act that that they had just committed?
Could it be him proposing as if it were a matter of fact and not something to be discussed?
Of course not, everything was fine for sure!
“Nothing! Nothing is wrong.” She offhandedly responded with a smile. She quickly walked a few steps towards her door with Colin following behind her. She was no longer in disbelief. In fact, she believed that this was merely one of those begrudgingly long nightmares that she was bound to forget in the morning.
In wonder as to why she was hearing his footsteps, she suddenly halted and turned to look at Colin.
Their bodies immediately collided.
“For goodness sake Penelope!” Colin exclaimed.
Now Penelope might be quite hefty, but she was small. Very small compared to Colin in fact. One push from him would send her flying. He held onto her waist to make sure she didn’t fall twice today. To give her some credit, she was logical enough to hold onto him.
She held onto Colin’s arms and accidentally met his eyes.
That was mistake number one. Like a lovesick fool, she wanted to stare at her unrequited love and was unable to snap out of it.
“Penelope? Penelope? Pen!”
“Oh, yes!”
She quickly let go of him and lightly pushed his chest to create a space between them.
“Right, well! Thank you for the ride Mr. Bridgerton. I bid you farewell.” She politely and yet awkwardly curtsied before charging forward.
Colin was in absolute disbelief. He held onto her arm before she could go any farther and spun her around.
“I beg your pardon!”
“Yes?”
Penelope looked at him with innocent eyes.
“Yes? Yes, you will marry me?”
“Oh, no!”
“No, you will not marry me?” he asked incredulously.
“Yes! I mean no!” Penelope said with her hand up. “Colin, I’m confused.” She admitted in a point-blank manner. No expression and no emotion. It’s as if she only wanted to relay her confusion to him.
He looked at her befuddled. She must have lost her mind to say no.
He was not asking her for marriage, he was demanding that they marry! With everything that they had done in that carriage, with the kisses they shared prior to that, they had to marry immediately. As a gentleman, it was his duty to protect her honor.
“There is nothing to be confused about! You and I will marry. I am to enter your home and formally ask for your hand in marriage!” Colin said as if it were a matter of fact.
“Oh… Oh!” Penelope exclaimed, as if everything were only dawning onto her now.
“We don’t have to get married Colin, don’t be silly!” Penelope said, accompanied with nervous laughter.
Colin saw red.
Penelope had never seen the Bridgerton boy angry up until he had found out that she was Lady Whistledown. At this point though, he wasn’t merely angry, but he was absolutely livid.
“Have you gone mad?” Colin asked slowly. Penelope could hear that his voice was edging. She’s never been scared of him per se, except for this very moment when he looked like he was about to go mad.
“Well I---”
“We have done things in that carriage that are unspeakable! You will marry me and that is final!”
“Colin—”
“No, Penelope! What will people say? Your honor is at stake here!” Colin exclaimed, exasperatedly.
“No one has to know!” She responded with desperation.
No one did know. Not one person had seen them. The only person she wasn’t assured of was the coachman who probably heard the lewd sounds from their indiscretions. Although knowing how loyal the Bridgerton servants were, she doubted that he would say anything.
“No one has to know?” he repeated, in order for her to realize how simpleminded she sounded.
“I know, Penelope!” Colin pointed to himself. “How can I possible act the way I did with a woman of your background and not render a proposal? I refuse to allow you to dance with others the next season, knowing that things have happened between us!”
“Well, it’s not like anyone but you and your brothers would ask me to dance ---”
“That is not the point!” Colin practically shouted.
Penelope was not dull. No, she was smart, quick witted and sensible. It’s one of the reasons why Colin sought her company every time he returned. He admired her for having these qualities. Although as of the moment, he couldn’t help but feel that she had gone daft.
They had both gone quiet at his sudden outburst. They held each other’s gaze. Both at a loss as to where they were going with this argument.
Penelope was the first one to cave.
“You do not love me” She said quietly, looking him straight in the eye.
Colin was caught off guard.
“What?” he asked quietly.
Penelope chuckled. Her head lowering and eyes gazing down as she clasped her hands together so that she could bare her soul.
“You do not love me Colin, I---”
“Love doesn’t matter at a time like this Pen, it is my duty as a gentleman to uphold your honor and pro---”
“Protect me, I know” she said, cutting him off. She held back her tears.
She tried to put on a brave face and smiled at him sadly. She looked back up at him.
This was the day she had to face her unrequited love and tell him everything.
She has to do this in order to let him go.
She slowly reached out for both his hands. He looked at her nervously, scared of what she had to say. The way she held him... it was as if she wasn’t saying merely rejecting him rather, she was saying goodbye.
Penelope tried to muster up all her strength before she spoke.
“Growing up, I was certain that you were my first love. You must have known that.” she told him tenderly. “I know that you didn’t return my affection, but you never shunned me away. You never gave any inclination that you were embarrassed of me or disliked me. In fact, I could always count on you to protect me from the judgmental eyes of the ton.”
“You were always there Colin. You danced with me, conversed with me, kept me company and for that I am grateful. But you do not love me.” She repeated for the third time.
She was grateful for him. He was a good friend. A loving friend in fact, who greatly cared for her, but he did not love her. With what had happened seasons ago with Marina, she knew it wouldn’t be right to entrap him merely because “something” had happened between them.
“Do not feel guilty about this because I wanted it too.” she assured him.
He felt desperate. He felt pained and he could not fathom why. Every word she spoke was piercing his heart.
“Then why? Why won’t you marry me? What happened in that carriage was not merely lust. I do not look at you simply as a friend. I can grow to love you Pen.” he said with utmost sincerity. “I may not love you now but---”
“You will never love me that way Colin.” Penelope said with conviction. “We have known each other all our lives and other than today, not once did you gaze at me or long for me like you did others.”
She was right but it did not mean that he could not change. If anything, what had happened in the carriage showed at the very least, that he wanted her as a man wants a woman. Not merely as an acquaintance. Not merely as a friend.
He unknowingly gripped her hands tighter. He did not like where this was going but he was at a loss for words, but Penelope continued on.
“I love you and although you do not love me back, I am contented with our friendship. I am happy that I received my first kiss from the man I love… and I would not dare to take away from you the opportunity to feel the happiness that I felt.
Fall in love and be happy Colin. Be it in your travels or somebody from the ton, I will be delighted for you.”
She let go of his hands and at that moment, he desperately yearned for her to touch him again. He did not know what it was, but her touch felt right. It felt safe. It felt new and yet familiar.
“You do not need to take responsibility for me. I can manage on my own. You can go Colin. I take no offence. I will be fine. We will be fine. Nothing will change. We are good as friends.”
She said it as if she was trying to convince both him and herself.
Friends? Colin wanted to laugh. A few days ago, they had shared a kiss. Today, they shared something that only those who have wed were permitted to do.
He stepped closer to her. Their bodies almost touching.
“Friends do not do what we have just done.” He said quietly. Almost murmuring his words. But the tone of his vibrated through Penelope’s ears and almost made her shiver.
If it were any other day, Penelope would have said that she was reading too much into him but the way he stared at her was piercing, almost as if he was calm but angry.
The front door had suddenly opened. Penelope and Colin stepped away from each other in haste.
“Mr. Bridgeton!” Mrs. Featherington exclaimed. “What brings you here?”
He looked at Penelope and at the same time, her eyes darted towards his as well.
What was he doing here?
How could he propose when Penelope had rejected him?
But at the same time... how could he not?