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BUCK MAKES IT TWO STEPS INTO HIS APARTMENT BEFORE HE COLLAPSES ON THE FLOOR, his knees buckle and he hits the floor with a muted thud. His chest feels heavy and his eyes burn with tears.
"He was diagnosed with leukaemia when I was 8," Maddie's voice was soft and laden with emotions Buck that didn't have the energy to unpack, not when he was drowning in his emotions, "Mom and dad, they were desperate."
"Desperate enough to have another child," He said, eyes downcast.
"They used IVF," She explained, "I didn't match and they- they wanted-"
"- to make sure I'd match."
Maddie nodded, "When mom was 8 months along, his condition worsened, and a month after you were born, it became the worst, he stayed in the hospital most of the time."
"He died when you were three."
"He was so happy to have a brother," She laughed, "You would've loved him."
"They never wanted me," He chokes as a sob threatened to make its way up his throat.
"I wanted you."
"I-I need to go."
"Buck-"
She doesn't get to finish her sentence as Buck slammed the door.
They never wanted him. He was just a painful reminder of a son that they wanted.
All the missed birthdays, PTAs, and football games finally made sense. They wanted to do it for Daniel, not him. Buck claws at his chest, trying to get the heavy weight off his chest. He tries to breathe, trying to remember Dr Copeland's techniques, but he feels like he's drowning, her voice a distant echo in the tsunami of emotions.
Eddie turns the truck off, stretching as he gets out. He makes his way towards the front door when he stops, a feeling in his gut that's almost too loud to ignore, but continues nonetheless. Uneasiness settles over him as he unlocks the door.
As he enters, his phone rings and he frowns when he sees the caller ID.
"Maddie?" He asks, confused, she seldom calls him, in fact, the only time she calls is regarding Buck.
"Eddie-" She sobs.
"Maddie, what's wrong? Are you hurt? Is Buck hurt?"
"You- you need," She hiccups, "Buck."
"Is he okay?"
"I-" She breaks down into sobs, says a jumble of words that Eddie can't quite make out.
"Maddie, I don't know what you're saying."
There's some shuffling on the phone as he locks the door, and jogs back to his truck.
"Eddie," Chimney says, "Go to Buck, he- he won't answer any of our calls, we're on the way to his apartment."
"Chim, what happened?"
"Just get to his place, please Eddie."
"Okay I'm going, but why?" He steps on the gas harder.
"We'll - I'll explain later, but he shouldn't be alone now, just go to him."
Eddie presses on the gas a bit harder.
The call ends and he calls his Abuela.
"Hola, Eddie," She greets him.
"Abuela could you keep Chris for the night? I know this is really last minute, I'm sorry but Buck-"
"Of course, Eddie," She soothes him, "He can stay the night, es no problema. Got to Buck."
"Gracias Abuela."
"Don't thank me Eddito, make sure our Buck is okay."
He calls Bobby and Athena next, his gut telling him that they need to be there.
"Eddie," Bobby greets, voice cheerful.
" Can you come to Buck's apartment?"
"Everything okay?"
"Just please," He implores, "Bring Athena as well."
"Okay, we'll see you there."
Hen is the last one he calls.
"Come to Buck's," He tells hers.
"What?"
"Hen please."
"I'm on my way."
Buck heaves as he takes big breaths, they seem useless as his lungs continue to scream for air. He punches the floor, trying to get it under control, the wood dents but doesn't break and if Buck was in a better state of mind, he would've seen it as some sort of cosmic metaphor, something about not breaking and bending with the force, but he isn't so all he sees is another thing that he can't do.
He couldn't save his brother and he can't break some fucking wood.
By the time he stops, his knuckles are red and bloodied, crescent-shaped indents decorated the inside of his hand, making his palm look like the awful drawing he drew when he was 8 trying to show his parents the galaxy; they'd scoffed at it but Maddie stuck it on her wardrobe, along with a handful of other drawings that he drew.
Fresh tears fall down his face and fall to the floor. His gut churns at the thought of Maddie, how she couldn't talk about their brother because of him, couldn't mourn the loss of their brother because of him.
He feels bile climbing up his throat and scrambles up, trying to make his way to the toilet. He stumbles and knows he won't make it upstairs, not when his legs shake like there's no tomorrow.
He grabs onto the dining table and then the island before finally throwing up in the kitchen sink. Everything he ate comes out, and Buck closes his eyes, trying to remember something, anything. Nothing comes and another set of tears fall down, and he resting his head on the cool counter, trying to stop them because there's no point in crying for someone he didn't even know, but he does anyway.
He mourns for a brother he could've saved, mourns for his sister who lost her brother, and mourns for their parents who lost a son and were stuck with him instead.
He slides down, his back pressed against the kitchen cabinets, knees pressed to his chest, and his arms wrapped around them, providing the comfort he wished someone would provide.
"I'm sorry Daniel," He says, his voice echoing across the empty apartment, bouncing off the walls and ringing in his ears, "I'm sorry I failed to save you."
He's fresh out of tears to cry, so he looks up to the ceiling, wishing that his parents loved him. He would've understood why his parents didn't love him, if only they told him, he would've understood.
But they didn't.
Gone is the pain and sorrow, replaced by hurt and anger as he gets up. He is so tired.
He doesn't know what possessed him at the time, knowing he would have to clean up the mess and apologise to Albert but he picks up the coffee mug on the counter and throws it. The shatter of the ceramic echoes and a part of Buck feels satisfied. His eyes fall on the photo that's framed and is placed next to his T.V., the last photo he has of his family and he feels his anger rise as he makes his way over to grab it.
Buck was 9 when this photo was taken, it was Maddie's graduation and their parents actually attended it, the same couldn't be said for his graduation, he should've realised then that his parents never truly gave a fuck about him. He stares at it, almost as if it was taunting him, there's a space between Buck and his father, enough to fit a small child in and Buck's drowning in a myriad of emotions again, unable to find the way up.
He throws it against the wall, he feels a sick satisfaction when the frame shatters and the glass goes flying, catching the sunset's rays and showering his loft with muted rainbows. It was breathtaking and heartwrenching at the same time. He feels like the glass, shattered and broken; everything he's been holding in finally comes bubbling over, and he wails.
The door flies open and Albert stands there, eyes wide and body unmoving as he surveyed the house.
"I-I'll clean it up," He croaks, staggering back up.
"Buck," Albert says, stepping into the apartment, "What happened?"
"Nothing," He walks over, wiping his face, "It's fine, I'll clean up the mess, I promise."
"Buck," He tentatively reaches out, placing a hand on his shoulder, "It's okay, it's just some glass and ceramic."
"Buck?"
Buck turns to the door and falters, Eddie's standing there, eyes filled with concern. Buck just stares, mouth drying out as Eddie walks in.
"What happened?" He asks.
"I-" His voice falters, "Fuck," He shudders, "They never wanted me," He whispers.
He could feel Albert stiffen next to him as Eddie reaches out and pulls him into a hug. Despite being 6'2, Buck has never felt smaller, Eddie's arms anchor him and he can vaguely make out Albert awkwardly patting his back, obviously trying to comfort him.
"Buckaroo?"
He looks up to see Athena, Bobby and Hen standing at the door.
He freezes in Eddie's arms.
"I called them," He reassures Buck.
"Buck, what happened?" Athena asks, "Did someone break-in?"
"No," He replies, disentangling himself from their arms, "It, uh, it was me."
"Everything okay Buck?" Bobby asks, concern on his face.
He wants to lie, tell them that everything was fine, anything but the truth, because why would they want him, when his own parents didn't want him?
"Buck, please," Hen pleads, "Talk to us."
"I had a brother," He says, voice quiet but it didn't matter the lost was silent, "I had a brother and I couldn't save him. I couldn't save him."
"What?"
"He had leukaemia, I was going to be his donor," He rubs the tears off his face, "Give him my blood, stem cells, everything and I failed."
"Hey," Eddie's voice is gentle as his cups his face, "You didn't fail, it was not your fault."
"I- I could've saved him!"
"You were two, Buck."
His eyes fly to the entrance, Maddie and Chim walk in, avoiding the shattered glass on the floor.
"You were two," Maddie reiterates, "You were a child, the doctors did everything they could."
"Maddie," He falls into her arms, sobbing; he was twelve again, crying into his older sister's arms, wondering why his parents didn't love him.
"If I ever meet them, you best believe I'm going to have words with them," He hears Athena mutter and he huffs out a laugh.
"Me too," Bobby agrees.
"I third that," Eddie laughs.
"I fourth that," Hen adds.
"Thank you," Buck whispers, overwhelmed, "For loving me in spite of my fuck ups; I know that I don't deserve it."
"Don't be an idiot Buck," Athena chides, "We love you, know that we didn't get off on the right foot," Buck laughs, "But you have become like a son to me and Bobby, and we love you, Buck. There are no if, and or buts. We love you, flaws and everything."
"Athena's right," Bobby adds, "You're family and if they don't you, that's on them, because we do. We love you, Buck."
"They're right you know? You're like the insufferable little I wanted, and we're not going anywhere. No matter how hard you try, you can never get rid of us,' She ribs him.
Buck laughs wetly as tears fill his eyes once more, this time they were out of happiness.
"If you think Chris and I are ever gonna let you go, then you're out of your mind Buckley," Eddie laughs, "If Chris finds out that I'm here without him, we're going to be in big trouble."
"You mean you're going to be in trouble," Buck laughs, "I'm his favourite."
"Yeah, you are," Eddie huffs, a fond smile on his face as he laughs.
"You're stuck with me forever Buckaroo," Chim claps his back, "Mango's gonna need her uncle."
"Her?" He asks, eyes wide, "I'm going to have a niece?"
"Nice one Chimeny," Hen laughs as Maddie smacks the back of his head.
"We're going to have a niece!" Albert laughs, "I'm going to be the best uncle she'll ever get."
"You're so going down Han," Buck retaliates, " I'm going to be the best uncle, just you wait."
"Evan," A voice calls out and Buck freezes. The lively atmosphere froze immediately as ice descends upon the room. His parents stand at eh doorway, peering inside and Buck can already see the judgment in their eyes.
"Mom, dad," He says, "How did you get here?"
"We saw you run out of Maddie's house."
"So you followed her?" He snaps.
"We wanted to make sure that she was okay," His mother placates, "She shouldn't be under so much stress, it's not good for her or the baby."
"You saw me run out their house, crying and you wanted to make sure that Maddie was alright? Not me?" He asks, hurt; event though he knew that his parents didn't care about him, but to hear them admit out loud brought on a whole new level of pain he couldn't process.
"Evan, think about your sister, she doesn't need your drama right now," His father chides.
"Think about my sister?" He echoes, "I was the one who reached out to her for years, I was the one who told her to come to L.A., I was the one made sure she had a family to come back to!"
"Evan James Buckley!" His mother snaps, "You will show your father some respect."
"Like you did?" He was tired of listening to his parents, "Like you respected me enough to tell me about Daniel?"
His parents face fall and his mother's eyes filled with tears, "You know?"
"Yeah I know, no thanks to the two of you."
"Evan that's enough," His father tells him, his voice like steel.
"No, it's not! You never respected me, never loved me enough to try! I wanted you to love me, to give me the same amount of love that you gave to Maddie, you never celebrated me, I just wanted you to love me!" He yells, voice hoarse.
His parents remain silent, and Buck knows, that nothing he does would make them love him.
"Evan-"
"It's Buck," Eddie corrects.
His parent's eyes flit to him, looking him up and down before turning their attention back to Buck, "Lisen to us-"
"I am done listening to you," He spits, " Because I have spent all my life living under a shadow, trying to fill a void that I didn't even know existed!" He yells, anger dripping with each word, "Trying to live up to the memory of a brother I didn't know about!"
"Evan, we lost our son, you need to understand our position," His mother tries.
"You were so busy mourning your dead son that you forgot to love the one that was alive," Athena snaps, rage in her eyes, clearly fed up with their back and forth.
"This is a family matter!" His mother snaps at her, "You don't need to get involved!"
Athena goes to open her mouth but Buck beats her to it, "They are family!" He gestures around the room, "Athena and Bobby are better parents than you ever were to me! They love me anyway! It was Bobby who took me to my physical therapy appointments after I got crushed by the ladder truck, he stood by my side and supported me as a father would! Athena would drop by, checking on me to make sure I ate, she would sit by my side and talk to me, she has scrubbed my blood off her garden! She is my mother in every way possible! Hen and Chim have stood by my side, even when they had every right not to! Eddie is my family, him and Chris, they love me without condition! These people are my family!"
They turn to Maddie, who has her own tears in her eyes but Buck can see the rage simmering, slowly boiling, "Maddie," His father implores, "Tell-"
"Do not put this on Maddie," He jumps to her defence, "She was 9, she shouldn't have had to raise me! She should've been able to mourn the death of our brother. She was a child!"
"You don't know what it's like to love and lose a child!" His mother yells.
"I do," Bobby steps in, eyes blazing with defiance, "I lost my whole family, I know what it's like to love a child and lose them, and God forbid Buck ever has to go through that. Your children shouldn't have to bear the weight of your mistakes, mine don't. I may have lost Bobby and Brooke, but I got May and Harry, and I would walk through fire for them if it meant keeping them safe; I never took it out on them, because they're children."
Buck's father goes to open his mouth, but this time Eddie steps in, "Buck walked through the city, bleeding and injured looking for my son. He knows what it's like to love a child, he gives up his free time to help Christopher! Your son is a better parent than the two of you ever were and ever will ever be."
"I want you to leave," Buck says, taking a deep breath, Dr Copeland's voice echoing in his head as he finally speaks his mind, "I want you to leave and never look back because it's clear that you don't want me. I don't want you in my life anymore, I have spent the past 29 years of my life trying to make you love me and now it's clear that you won't. You want to be in Maddie's life? Then talk to her but I don't want you in mine."
"Evan please, you're blowing this out of proportion-" His mother starts.
"Out of proportion?" Athena scoffs incredulously, "He has every right to tell you to get out of his life, so for once in your life listen to your son."
"Evan, please you're making a mistake-"
"Buck," Maddie turns to him, linking their pinky's together, "This is your decision."
"Get out of my apartment," He turns to them, "Get out and stay out."
They give him one last look, eyes filled with tears and they leave.
Buck collapses, all the fight leaving from his body as watches the retreating figure of his parents. There are arms around him instantly and Buck knows that they love him, love him anyway.
He spent all his life wishing that someone would love him, love him enough to try, and he's finally found them in the 118. In Bobby and Athena's house when they have their monthly barbecues, in Hen's teasing and ribbing, in Chimney, Maddie's apartment for their monthly Buckley-Han nights with Albert, with Eddie and Christopher in their Buckley-Diaz game and movie nights; they are his family.