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It had been two days since the full moon — two days — but, as far as James’s brain was concerned, it had been mere minutes. He could still see Remus backed into a corner, shaking like a leaf, glancing out the window —
“James?”
James jumped, and Remus’s voice tugged him out of his memories. It’s like my brain is a damn pensieve, James thought bitterly to himself. He hadn’t been able to think clearly in days. I didn’t sign up for my brain to be a pensieve!
“James,” Remus continued, “are you alright? You look a little green.”
“Humans can’t be green, stupid,” James quipped, rolling his eyes.
“It means you look sick, stupid.”
“Oh. Yeah. Er, I’m not. I’m good as new.” James hesitated, racking his mind for something to say. Do I actually look ill? “I suppose I’m a bit nervous to play quidditch tomorrow. The team captain will see me.”
There was a moment of silence, and then a piece of chocolate came flying at James, followed by a reassurance from Remus. “You’ll do well, obviously. You’re the best player I know.”
“Nice sentiment” — James took a bite of the chocolate — “poor execution. You’re a total nerd, Moony.”
“My name is Remus.”
“Shut up. It’s a clever nickname. Anyway, you’re a nerd, and you don’t know any athletes besides me and Sirius.” James paused, and then a grin spread across his face. “I’ll definitely tell Sirius that you think I’m better, though. Thanks!”
“You’re impossible,” Remus muttered.
James winked, and Remus pulled his textbook back onto his lap with a roll of his eyes.
I have homework, too, James thought absently, but he made no move to grab one of his assignments. His mind was already sinking back into its pensieve-like state, reminding James of Remus’s limp body laying in a hospital wing bed the morning after. The marauders had snuck in; how could they not? They cornered Remus the night before, scaring the hell out of him to confirm their own theories. They had to see him and let him know it was all okay.
Except, it wasn’t.
Remus looked like absolute shit that morning. James remembered the way his throat closed up and his eyes stung. James remembered the way his gaze fixed on one of the visible bandages, and he remembered the way that the bandage slowly darkened with blood. James didn’t know if it was possible for him to forget.
There has to be some sort of solution to this, James thought. There has to . But how the hell was he supposed to figure it out? Clearly, nobody had yet, and James was just a twelve-year-old boy.
Well.
Actually.
Nobody that James knew of had figured it out.
“I need to go,” he said abruptly, jumping up out of his bed. He grabbed his invisibility cloak and threw it over his head, paying no mind to Remus’s multitude of questions. He grabbed a bag and stuffed it in his pocket, and he marched right out of his dorm, determination coursing through his body with every step. He would fill Remus in later. Right then, James needed to go to the library.
Getting in was easy. James was tall for his age, but he was still small, generally speaking, and he was agile. Good thing I play quidditch, James had thought as he slipped into the restricted section after a whispered unlocking spell. He was able to fill his bag fairly quickly, snatching any book that seemed remotely related to lycanthropy.
The filled bag, while promising and exciting — James could hardly wait to actually read them and share his findings with Remus — was also the number one cause of James’s difficulty leaving. A heavy bag limited James’s agility, and he almost hit at least three people with it. He almost hit Madam Pince with the bag, and he swore his heart stopped for seven whole seconds. James held the bag tight to his chest, and he held his breath in his stomach until he made it out of the library.
He did make it out, though, and (aside from a weirdly pointed look in his direction from McGonagall) James was certain that nobody noticed anything. James whipped off the cloak in an empty corridor, and he ran the rest of the way back to his dorm; there was too much pent-up nervous energy for the young boy not to. Beyond the remnants of his nervousness, though, excitement was far more prevalent. It bubbled within James and spilled over in the form of laughter and grins and pure, unadulterated hope that made James’s heart feel too big for his chest. I’m gonna help Remus, James thought gleefully, and images of a happier and less-injured Remus floated around his mind as he climbed the steps to his dormitory two at a time.
“REMUS!” James shouted. He panted heavily as he flung the door open, and he smiled widely as a startled Remus looked up from his textbook. “Bloody hell, are you actually still reading that?” James remarked, pushing the door closed behind him. James could never sit still for so long. And, Merlin , Remus wasn’t even fidgeting at all, was he? Wild.
“Well, put it away,” James said before Remus could offer a response. “We have more important reading to tend to — I managed to get into the restricted section! Isn’t that wicked? It was just an unlocking spell. Stupid, right? Well, I’m not complaining. Look!” James emptied the bag of books onto Remus’s bed.
“Wait! Wait, slow down , James,” Remus said. James glanced at Remus, and he could see the confusion written all over the werewolf’s face. “Okay. Okay. First question: since when do you even read —”
Remus cut himself off. Remus froze. Remus went totally pale, all color draining from his face.
“Woah, what the —” James didn’t get to finish.
“What the hell is this, James?” Remus hissed. His hand shook as he picked up a book. “ The Horrors of the Lycanthropic Condition ,” Remus read aloud.
“Okay, don’t bloody vomit on the bed,” James said, taking a step back from his friend, who looked way too ill for James’s comfort. “Would you keep reading? Look below that title; it literally says ‘ and how to ease the pain .’ I wouldn’t get us stupid books.”
Remus’s fingertips were turning white around the book he was holding, and he was completely silent. James wasn’t sure what he expected, but it wasn’t this. It definitely wasn’t this. Remus was normally talkative in the dorm!
But twenty seconds passed without a peep from Remus, and James couldn’t force his mouth shut any longer. James didn’t like silence, and James was an expert on filling it with rambling.
“That book talks about stuff you can do to help. Like, self-care, I guess, but for werewolves. I think some of it’s illegal, but, like, whatever. Sirius says his cousins smoke, and that’s illegal, but they just don’t get caught. We wouldn’t get caught. Anyway,” — James reached over and picked up another book — “this book is about illegal potions, I reckon. I wouldn’t trust it. The author seems crazy. I grabbed the book anyway, though, just in case it had some useful stuff, you know?” James tossed the book back onto the bed and grabbed another. “Now, this book seemed the most useful. I read the back of it. The author has a brother who’s a werewolf, and when his brother was, like, twenty, they moved, and suddenly his brother’s injuries started to dwindle, and nobody knew why. Well, get this: when he and his brother moved, his brother made a friend as a werewolf. Some wild dog or something. Isn’t that wicked? The dog could apparently help —”
“James.”
“Shut up and listen. You know how Minnie can turn into a cat? Well, what if —”
“ James .”
James looked at Remus. Are those… no. Remus doesn’t have actual tears in his eyes, does he? Is he gonna cry? James certainly hadn’t planned to make his friend cry. What do I do with a crying Remus?
The answer to that question proved irrelevant because, after a few moments of mutual, frozen staring, Remus got off the bed and threw himself at James. James was taken aback for a moment, eyes wide — do we hug? — but it was only a moment. James’s arms quickly found their way around Remus, and he squeezed his friend tightly.
The hug lasted an eternity, but neither boy seemed to care. Somewhere in there, Remus whispered a thanks, and somewhere in there, Remus couldn’t stop himself from shaking out a few cries, and somewhere in there, James’s own eyes stung with tears. Somewhere in there, James felt Remus’s gratitude. Somewhere in there, James felt Remus’s love.
James squeezed Remus a little tighter. I hope he can feel my love, too.