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You know how this works. When you came here tonight, I knew you had come quite deliberately, with ideas in your head. I used to pretend I didn't know what was between us, because it was so different, and it scared me. I couldn't allow myself to name the fascination I had for all that hair on you, or address how many times the glimpses of your strong, powerful arms had led me to my own private ecstasies, alone, even before I left Matthew. I could never, ever tell anyone that. He didn't even know I did it at all, let alone what I thought. I think he would have even been jealous of my fingers. I may never tell you. I don't know.
You're standing very close now, I can feel your body heat, and I can tell you showered before you came here. I don't know when you decided, and I think I'd like to ask you at some point, but right now, I'm too distracted by your mouth.
You've seen where my eyes have been dipping. As I look up at you, I see your eyes dip down too. I don't know how to let you know what I want, so I'm trusting that you know how this works.
Before I know what I've done, my lips are moistened from my tongue, and it looks like your eyes have become a completely different colour. You move closer and I let my eyes flutter shut, and your mouth is on mine. You feel so different to my imagination. Even that kiss in the hospital car park that you had not meant for my lips, not then, didn't tell me what this moment would be. I can feel your stubble against my face but your lips are so soft, and as your tongue dances lightly with mine I want to feel your mouth everywhere.
I feel scared again, terrified of this primal feeling I have for you, terrified that you will be too much for me, that I will disappoint you after all your beauties and conquests.
But I cannot fight it either. I've never felt like this about anyone. I've never noticed how I tense the insides of my thighs when I'm turned on, and now I am aware, I'm thinking of you between my legs.
I moan into your mouth because the thought is so intense it makes me weak.
You're careful. That fact alone makes me so sure this is what I want. That you are who I want.
You're big, and hairy, and so masculine, and I want to feel safe with you, but I want to be desired. Now I feel you run that soft wet mouth down my neck and you're pushing my t-shirt up and over my head, and I understand that I had no clue how much you desired me. The thought is exhilarating, and I begin to feel like a divine being as you kiss my breasts through my bra, and reach around to unhook it (which you manage quickly and cleanly because you know how this works). Now you trail your tongue around my right nipple, sucking it in, and it connects like a firework to my vulva and I gasp.
You pull up at the sound, careful again, and now you are kissing my mouth once more, and this time you press your whole self against me and I can feel you, hard, pushing against me. I am so scared right now, but I want this. I love how much you want me. I know, in fact, that I love you, but I think I knew that before I knew I fancied you.
"Cormoran," I whisper against your lips, just to see how it feels to say it when you're doing this to me.
You take hold of my hands and you lead me to the bed. You reverently reach down and unbutton my jeans, and push them over my hips, like you're touching fine art. I feel so beautiful.
I'm so scared; my heart is thumping so hard I can feel it in my chest. You're undressing now too, and I watch you remove the prosthetic and set it aside. We're both naked, both exposed. You know how this works, so I let you take the lead, and as you kiss me again, I drift back and downwards as you shift your weight.
I glance down; I can't help myself, I want to see. The hair on your body becomes almost impossibly thick between your legs, and your erection stands away from the dark tangle. I'm so scared, and yet I can feel my legs fall gently apart. I want you.
You dip your hand down between my legs, combing your fingers gently through the hair I have there, darker than my head, but nowhere near as dark as yours. Your fingertips run circles against me. I'm amazed that they slip easily between the folds there. So many times before it had taken him so long to work me up to this. I don't want to think about him, but it's hard not to compare my only other lover with you.
The feeling of your hand is delicious, and you are kissing my neck leisurely. You are in no hurry. You know how this works. I can feel that tension in my inner thighs building now and I roll my hips in time to the motion of your big hand against me. Oh god, oh god, this is really happening. My breath is quickening at the feel of what you are doing to me, and I reach down and cling to your forearm with both my hands, feeling the muscles that connect to your fingers pushing me closer, closer, oh god yes.
"Yes!" I hear myself cry, and the sound is startlingly real, and that realness trips the switch and I'm seeing stars, my head thrown back and oh god I love it.
I shudder through it, and manage to look at you in the half light. You look amazed, like you can't believe what you're seeing. The thought that I might have surprised you is a thrill I didn't expect, and it gives me a surge of confidence. That and the aftershocks of you making me come, I suppose.
I reach down to take a hold of you, and you bite in your lower lip when I do. You're so hard, and yet also silky under my fingers. I work my hand up and down, but I have no artistry, I'm going too fast, and you reach to cover and still my hand. You don't pull it away though, you help me, showing me the right speed for you, your hand gentle over mine. You know how this works.
Your eyes are closed and you look lost in the moment. I feel so powerful right now, like a goddess. I realize I could make you come like this, and the idea makes me clench my thighs again, it's so exciting. But I want you between them. I want to stretch my legs around your bulk and have you slide into me. I'm so scared, because I don't know how it's going to feel, and it's been a long time, but I want you.
"Have you got..?" I ask, hoping you'll understand my faltering question. You open your eyes and you smile at me. You lean forward and put a cheeky kiss on my nose, and scoot down to where you have left your trousers.
You seem preoccupied at the end of the bed for a moment, and when you climb back up to me, I see you've already rolled a condom on yourself. I don't know why I'm surprised. You know how this works.
You hold yourself above me, and kiss me deeply. I let my legs fall further apart and raise my hips, inviting you in. I feel you hold yourself there, and then, very gently begin to push yourself into me. You feel big, and wide. I worry for a second that I'm going to tense up, but it's like you are opening me up carefully, inch by inch, like you're easing away all the fear and doubt. By the time I feel the coarse brush of your dark hair against mine, and I know you are completely inside me, my mouth has fallen open and the pleasure I feel must be all over my face, because your face moves from intense concentration to a boyish grin. I smile in response, and then we are moving our hips together, and I follow your lead here too, because, well, you know how this works.
We're slow at first but then you are picking up speed, making helpless little grunts with each pulse of your pelvis and oh god if that sound isn't bringing me up close to another crescendo. You can feel it too, I think, but I've stopped thinking now. Hard, in me, faster, please, yes, yes, now, oh god yes, now, please, come in me, come as I do, oh Cormoran, yes, yes, yes.
The world slips back into view. You're pulling back, panting, carefully holding one hand at the base of yourself to keep the condom from slipping off. You know how this works. But you're not moving far. Once you've discarded it, you nuzzle into me, and I think we both sigh happily at the same time.
"What happens now?" I ask, because I trust you so much.
"I don't know, Robin. We sleep. We wake up. We keep loving each other," you say, and I hear the sleep in your voice already.
"Do you think it's that easy?" I ask, but I'm not scared anymore, so that's something.
"I don't know, love," you say and I know you're nearly gone. It's ok, though. I know you know how this works.