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He's beautiful when he's asleep. Actually he's always beautiful, but like this he's something else. His pale skin glows soft like velvet in the halflight, and Callum wants to reach out and touch. His fingertips twitch for it. Like this the walls can't go up, the jaw can't harden, the scowl can't twist his features into something Callum barely recognizes. Like this he's Callum's Ben. Soft. Vulnerable. Bruised, but not broken. Not yet.
But who's he kidding. It's been one night. One perfect night yeah, but what gives him the right to think he's Ben's anything? That Ben wants to be anyone's anything. He thinks he does. Thinks he sees hope in his eyes when he tells him they have something, but maybe that's just wishful thinking. More likely it's his own desperation reflecting back.
Ben says he sees him, and yeah, he thinks he does. It's only been a few months but Callum sees through to this boy's soul in a way he doesn't think he's ever seen anyone. Not really. But then again he's hardly proven himself to be a seer of souls. He missed that his dad was violent as well as drunk, missed his own brother's abuse and addiction, missed the depth of Chris's feelings for him. Maybe he's misread Ben too. You don't get a nickname like Halfway by being tuned into the world around you.
Last night was special, he felt it, he hopes..no he thinks Ben felt it too. But Ben doesn't do relationships, does he. If the rumours are true (and let's face it, Callum's squirmed enough times at the mention of that app to know they are) he's had endless nights like these and moved on without another thought. Maybe he's had his fill now, got what he wanted, the thrill of the chase over and Callum's just one more notch on the Mitchell bedpost. Maybe the few hours he's spent sleeping in Ben's bed is more than he should have hoped for...more than most of his conquests get.
Somehow it doesn't feel like that.
Last night. Last night.
The words are hard to come by. It'd been nothing like he'd imagined sex with Ben Mitchell to be (and yeah, he's spent a long time imagining it), and yet at the same time everything he'd wanted it to be. He'd found himself being held, firm and secure in strong arms, but touched like he was fragile, prone to breaking, nestled protectively in the v of his thighs like he was something worth holding.
Ben had let him take the lead, offering up his body to explore at Callum's pace, guiding him gently when he needed it, words of encouragement and validation breathed over and over, hot against his skin. It'd been slow, gentle, reassuring. Perfect. Passionate and hot yes, but sensual, almost like making lo... And come on Highway, now you're just being ridiculous.
But that's always been Callum's problem hasn't it? He's a dreamer. A believer in romantic love, the hearts, the flowers, the commitment to one person at a time, and if he's really lucky, one person ever. He thinks he might have found that now, his holy grail. He's not sure he can stomach hearing that Ben doesn't want him that way.
Maybe he should leave. Its early, still dark, and sneaking away now has to be better than waiting to be kicked out. Maybe having that conversation later in the harsh light of day will be easier than when he's vulnerable, naked, in Ben's warm bed, the intoxicating smell of him all around.
He pulls back from where he's pressed against Ben's body, untangling their legs like he's pulling on the ends of a bow of some precious parcel...slowly, smoothly, desperate not to wake him. His side of the bed is cold, untouched, the night spent huddled on Ben's side, not a breath between them, and maybe that means something. Maybe it doesn't.
He swings a foot out from under the covers and plants it on the cold floor, but the edge of the duvet catches his phone by the bedside and sends it clattering down, and for once in his life can he not be so fucking clumsy! There's movement behind him and a sharp intake of breath, and he stills in panic as a warm hand creeps forward to brush against his thigh, and a croaky voice breaks the silence.
"Mmm...Am I seeing things or is Callum Highway actually in my bed and er....." He pauses dramatically to lift the covers "....wearing absolutely nothing."
He pulls his foot back in and turns back to face Ben.
"'Fraid so. Disappointed?"
Something flashes across Ben's features, unreadable in the low light and Callum visibly stiffens, but relaxes a little when a soft smile breaks across Ben's face.
"Don't be daft. Was starting to think you were gonna be my one that got away. So glad you weren't...."
His voice is soft, deep and syrupy, still clinging to sleep. Callum forces a weak smile and Ben's fades a little, his eyes narrowing.
"Were you goin' somewhere? Bathroom's just across the hall. Just make sure you don't get Ian's room by mistake....be a treat for him but a recurring nightmare for you! I know what he wears to bed and believe me it ain't enough!"
Callum tries to laugh but its forced and splutters out more like a cough.
"Erm...yeah. It's ok. Thought I should... y'know...get going."
The smile fades further and that look is back on Ben's face. This time it lingers and Callum's sure it hints at disappointment? Concern? Fear even. Nah, can't be fear.
He doesn't have time to process it because Ben is hauling himself up, his back against the headboard, and Callum finds himself mirroring his every move. Here it comes then. He can't escape it now....or can he?
It turned out he wasn't cut out to be a soldier, no surprise there, but if the army taught him anything it's to always be on the front foot, not to leave yourself defenceless and vulnerable to attack. He pulls back the covers and goes to make for the exit, but soft fingers curl around his hand, pulling him back. When he turns his head he sees those blue eyes lit by a shaft of light cutting the headboard, perfectly crossing his face. Now he can't look away.
Ben opens his mouth to speak and then shuts it again as if trying but failing to marshal the words in his head. When he does speak he sounds younger. Softer. Callum's Ben again.
"Cal, last night. Was it what you wanted? Actually no, I don't mean that, I know it was what you wanted, that much was obvious...was it....what you'd hoped?"
There's a vulnerability there - a crack in his voice that the older man hadn't expected - and he wonders absent mindedly if this man will ever run out of ways to surprise him. Somehow he doesn't think so, just prays he'll be around him long enough to find out.
Callum's torn between playing it down, self preservation for when Ben walks away, and telling the truth. But Ben is still holding his hand, and the way he's looking at him...God. The truth is what finally got them here, he's not gonna start lying again now. If it's all over at least Ben will know what it meant.
He forces himself to hold his gaze and takes a deep breath.
"Absolutely. Actually so much more than that. I mean it felt amazing, like....like my body's never felt like that before, never reacted to someone the way it reacts to you, but it just... felt right, y'know?"
Ben nods, a slight dip of the head, and an expression Callum can't hope to interpret, but he says nothing, and Callum feels exposed but simultaneously a little bolder. He's sinking now, a little deeper can't hurt.
"Dont wanna scare you off or nothin' but it just felt like I was doing what I should be doing with the person I should be doing it with.... If that makes sense."
Ben looks down briefly and pulls his bottom lip between his teeth to conceal his smile, and it's a look Callum's seen before. It makes his heart flutter wildly against his chest.
"Yeah, it does."
The bed creaks and he shuffles back down to lie flat but makes no indication that Callum should join him. He stares at the ceiling and Callum feels like he's going to speak, but the silence weighs thick and heavy, and drags on until he the pressure in his lungs feels fit to burst. He's said too much.
"I should be going"
"Please stay."
"I just thought..y'know...with Lexi...you wouldn't want her to see me here...I get it."
It claws at Callum that he's using a 7 year old girl as an excuse to escape a conversation he can't face, but at this point he's not beyond convincing himself he's protecting her innocence and not his own heart.
Mention of his daughter at least seems to bring Ben back from wherever his head has taken him, and when he speaks this time he tilts his face to look at him.
"Thats sweet, but s'ok. It's Lo's turn to take her to school. I can pop down later to say goodbye and we'll get up when she's gone. She doesn't need to see you. I'm not ashamed, but you're right, I don’t put it under her nose."
Well, that's surprising.
"Got it all worked out haven't ya. Thought you didn't do holding."
A pink blush spreads up Ben's cheeks, and really, Callum's gonna make it his mission to see that everyday. An arm feels it's way out from under the cover and he finds his body tentatively sliding down to join him, curling together under the sheets, as Ben's head finds it's way to his chest.
"Cal, me and you have already done more holding than I've done in a lifetime, so you know that ain't true. I make an exception for you."
"Turns out I make a lot of exceptions for you."
Callum’s not sure what to make of that, but something's shifted and he feels like he might be brave enough to find out.
"Oh yeah? Such as?"
Time stills, and Ben's silent. Callum feels his breathing quicken against his chest.
"Sorry...you dont need to..."
"No, s'ok." Ben sucks in a deep breath and blows it out, tickling warm over exposed skin. "Er, well.... kissing for a start. Never been too hot on that til I had a taste of you. Can't get enough now."
Callum huffs out a laugh, but it seems he's not finished.
"Letting someone undress me, slooowly, that was a no no til last night."
Huh.
"Bottoming."
Callum finds his eyes widening in surprise, and though he can’t have seen it he feels a grin spread across Ben's face where it's tucked into his chest.
"What? You never let...?"
"Nah. Rarely. Too intimate. And it's a trust thing too. Leaves you vulnerable I guess."
"And you trusted me enough..to...?"
"Yeah, course. It's different with you."
Callum's too shocked and a little too scared to ask why its different with him, but his silence seems to rattle Ben who lifts his head from Callum's chest to look him in the eyes.
"I dont know what you think this is Cal, but you're not a random hookup. I'm all in, ya know? If that's what you want too."
It seems cruel somehow, to leave him hanging when he's offering everything Callum wants, but there's no room in this now for half truths and misunderstandings. He’s done with that now.
"Can I ask you something?"
"Course."
"Are we.....? I mean......are you? That app on your phone.......have you?......"
"Callum, is this you trying to ask if we're exclusive? Cos 'Ben are you shagging anyone else?' would have done the job!"
Callum dips his head, envying Ben's forthright attitude to sex, while simultaneously feeling confronted by it. One of so many dizzying contradictions this man seems to bring out in him.
"The app went months ago....June actually.... I'll leave you to join the dots on that one. I haven't been with anyone since. I tried, but I didn't want it anymore. No-one looked like you. I couldn't bear touching anyone who wasn't you, let alone being touched. This is gonna sound weird but....the sounds you made...fuck Callum...I just didnt wanna hear them from someone else. Didn't wanna forget."
Ben mistakes Callum's silence for hesitation rather than the shock and disbelief it is, and drags a hand across his face as if the touch would ground him.
"I just want you. Thought last night kinda proved that. Did to me anyway."
"Me too. I'm just being stupid."
"Your'e not. You're not. I'm sorry. I'm not very good at this and sometimes I forget this is even newer for you than it is for me. I get caught up in me own head."
"I know you don't do casual sex Callum, it's another reason I like ya. And what happened last night was so far from that. Tell me you know that."
Something stirs warm and bright in Callum's chest and he tilts his head down to press a soft kiss to Ben's forehead, marvelling at the beautiful smile that simple gesture invokes.
"Yeah, I mean I've not got much to compare it to but, it was perfect. You were so gentle, so careful with me. Guess I didn't expect that... but I loved it."
Ben's blushing now, and curling his head back down to bury it back in Callum's chest. It's everything to Callum that Ben can be vulnerable with him like this, even if he does still feel the need to try to hide it. Something to work on Callum thinks.
"Ben Mitchell gentle eh...seems to be another thing you bring out in me. Don't go letting on though, got a reputation y'know."
"You stayin'? Lex won't be up for hours....time to show you just how gentle I can be?"
"Mmm...yeah, think I'd like that."
Callum's feeling braver now. Maybe he can have this. Maybe Ben wants this as much as he does. Eyes closed, soft lips encasing his own he sinks back down into the mattress, excited to see where this goes.