Chapter Text
The Blackwoods: Pilot Episode
ROLL INTRO
1. INT. JONATHAN SIMS AND MARTIN BLACKWOOD HOUSE- KITCHEN- DAY
JON is rooting through a drawer, looking frustrated. His glasses are perched on top of his head. He tosses a pair of scissors over his shoulder just as MARTIN enters, and the scissors bury themselves in the wall inches away from Martin. Martin’s eyes widen comically.
(PAUSE FOR LAUGHTER)
MARTIN:
Er...what might you be doing there, love?
JON:
Looking for my glasses.
(PAUSE FOR LAUGHTER)
Martin’s eyes drift to Jon’s head, smiling slightly.
MARTIN:
Lost your glasses, huh?
JON:
(Increasingly frustrated)
Yes, that’s what I just said!
Jon tosses a pen over his shoulder, and Martin ducks out of the way. The pen explodes against the wall, leaving a dark stain. Jon doesn’t seem to notice.
(PAUSE FOR LAUGHTER)
MARTIN:
Why don’t we stop throwing things before you take someone’s eye out break something? Can’t you just Know where they are?
JON:
I’d like to think I have the capability to remember where I put my glasses without calling on the help of an eldritch patron.
(PAUSE FOR LAUGHTER)
MARTIN:
Tell you what, I’ll help you find them if you promise to clean up.
JON:
Do you know where they are?
MARTIN:
I have an inkling.
Jon scowls at the pun.
(PAUSE FOR LAUGHTER)
JON:
Alright, fine, where are they?
Martin’s gaze trails to the top of Jon’s head. Slowly, Jon reaches up, grabbing the glasses with a sheepish look.
(PAUSE FOR LAUGHTER)
Jon grabs a paper towel and walks toward the stain. He pauses.
JON:
Martin, is there something special about today?
MARTIN:
Other than our new, drippy decoration? None that I know of.
(PAUSE FOR LAUGHTER)
We follow Jon as he goes over to a calendar. There is a heart above the date March 25th.
JON:
Someone’s drawn a heart on today’s date.
MARTIN:
(Suddenly unsure, as if he is forgetting something important)
Oh, yes, the heart! Well…don’t tell you’ve forgotten.
JON:
(Just as unsure)
Of course not! I don’t forget anything.
MARTIN:
Except for the location of your glasses.
(PAUSE FOR LAUGHTER)
MARTIN:
Well, then tell me what’s so important about the date?
JON:
Well...perhaps you’ve forgotten yourself.
MARTIN:
Me?! Of course not! I’ve been...so looking forward to it!
JON:
As have I. Today, we are celebrating…
MARTIN:
You bet we are...it’s the first time…
Jon and Martin draw closer as they stumble over each other’s sentences.
JON:
We...have ever celebrated this occasion before.
MARTIN:
A...special day-
JON:
-or evening-
MARTIN:
-of great significance to us both!
JON:
Of course!
Jon and Martin kiss.
(PAUSE FOR LAUGHTER)
MARTIN:
Well...I ought to be off, then. The Westview streets get crowded in the mornings.
JON:
Oh, remember to look for a job opening for me. And don’t forget-
MARTIN:
I know, I know, drive on the right side of the road here.
JON and MARTIN:
(In unison, with exhaustion)
Americans.
(PAUSE FOR LAUGHTER)
JON:
Love you.
MARTIN:
I love you too.
Martin exits, and Jon pauses before going back to the calendar and staring at it, perplexed. The ink stain is shaped like an eye
There are two stiff knocks at the door. Jon flinches Jon exits the kitchen.
2. INT. JONATHAN SIMS AND MARTIN BLACKWOOD HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Jon opens the door to see a chronically cheerful, dark haired woman standing there, approaching her forties and holding a potted plant with a bow around it. AGNES smiles pleasantly.
AGNES:
Oh, hello, dear! I’m Agnes, your neighbor to the right! My right, not your’s.
(PAUSE FOR LAUGHTER)
AGNES:
Forgive me for not stopping by sooner to welcome you to the block. My mother-in-law was in town, so I wasn’t.
(PAUSE FOR LAUGHTER)
Agnes hands Jon the plant, and enters the house, walking around as if she has always known him.
AGNES:
So, what’s your name, where are you from?
JON:
(Following Agnes)
Oh, I’m Jon.
Jon struggles to hold the plant and offer his hand for a handshake at the same time.
AGNES:
(With an exaggerated accent)
Oh! British! Pip pip, love!
Jon makes a slightly perturbed face.
(PAUSE FOR LAUGHTER)
AGNES:
Jon, charmed.
Agnes shakes his hand.
AGNES:
(Brightly)
Golly, you’ve settled in fast! So what’re you doing way across the pond, huh? (She makes herself at home on the couch) Did you move for a lovely young American beauty?
JON:
Oh, uh, I’m not married.
AGNES:
(With interest)
Oh, really?
(PAUSE FOR LAUGHTER)
JON:
(Hesitantly)
Er...aren’t you married?
AGNES:
Only when it counts.
(PAUSE FOR LAUGHTER)
JON:
Well, it was lovely to meet you, Agnes. I’d offer you some tea, but I’ve, ah, got something going on tonight.
AGNES:
Oh, is it somebody’s birthday?
JON:
(Hesitantly)
Not a birthday, no.
AGNES:
A holiday?
JON:
No, not a holiday, I don’t think.
AGNES:
Some kind of anniversary?
JON:
(Clearly panicked by her guessing)
Y-yes!
AGNES:
Oh, a date! How adorable!
Agnes motions for Jon to sit down, clearly wanting to hear more. He does so.
AGNES:
So who’s the lucky gal?
JON:
Gal? Oh, er…
Jon looks around the room, panicked. His eyes come to rest on an armchair.
JON:
Arm…
Jon focuses on the door.
JON:
Door…
Jon focuses on the staircase.
JON:
Stair!
AGNES:
...Armdorstar?
(PAUSE FOR LAUGHTER)
JON:
(Weakly)
She’s Slavic.
(PAUSE FOR LAUGHTER)
AGNES:
Oh, how sweet! How long has it been?
JON:
Well...it feels like we’ve just always been together.
AGNES:
Oh, how lucky. The only way Ralph would remember our anniversary would be if there was a beer called June 2nd.
(PAUSE FOR LAUGHTER)
AGNES:
So what do you have planned?
JON:
Sorry?
AGNES:
For your special night!
Jon looks at a loss. Agnes doesn’t seem to notice.
JON:
Er, well, it’s a little complicated, we’re a bit of an odd couple. We usually do without all the…
Jon gestures vaguely.
(PAUSE FOR LAUGHTER)
AGNES:
Well, that’s no trouble! I’m sure we can still cook you two up a lovely romantic evening!
JON:
‘We’?
Agnes stands up, looking excited.
AGNES:
Oh, what you need is a woman’s touch to make this perfect! I just read this fantastic article for an occasion just like this! I’ll go get it.
Agnes opens the door, looking pleased.
AGNES:
Oh, this is gonna be a gas!
Agnes exits. Jon looks amused by her.
3. INT. FILING SERVICES OFFICE BUILDING, MARTIN’S JOB - MARTIN’S DESK - DAY
A loud song is playing through the radio as Martin sorts through several stacks of paper. He gathers up the files and hands them off to NORM, a man a few years younger than Martin and twice as eager and energetic.
MARTIN:
Alright, done with these, do you have the next pile?
NORM:
Gee, you’re fast! Oh, the music isn’t bothering you, is it?
MARTIN:
(Stiffly)
No, no, of course not.
(PAUSE FOR LAUGHTER)
Martin looks around, suddenly slightly puzzled.
NORM:
Hey, is there something I can help you with, buddy?
MARTIN:
Yes, well...do you mind maybe, perhaps, possibly telling me exactly what we do here?
(PAUSE FOR LAUGHTER)
MARTIN:
Do we make something?
NORM:
No.
MARTIN:
Do we...sell something?
NORM:
Also no.
MARTIN:
So what is the purpose of this company?
NORM:
Filing!
(PAUSE FOR LAUGHTER)
MARTIN:
Right…
NORM:
What’s got your feathers all ruffled?
MARTIN:
Well...I have the feeling like I’ve forgotten something important. It’s right on the tip of my tongue, and urgent too. It’s been driving me crazy all day.
The door to their right opens, and Norm and Martin immediately go back to work. MR. HART, a strict man from the previous generation walks out, ushering HERB JONES, a sad looking mustached man, out of his office. He approaches Martin.
HART:
Blackwood! The wife and I are looking forward to this evening.
Martin’s eyes widen, and he looks terrified.
MARTIN:
Mr. Hart, of course!
Martin tries to compose himself.
MARTIN:
Dinner with Mr. Hart, and his lovely wife Mrs. Hart!
HART:
That’s what I just said. Employee dinners are a rite of passage for the new hires. Jones over there failed miserably.
Hart nods to Herb, who is entering with a cardboard box filled with office supplies. He looks even more dejected.
HART:
Isn’t that right, Jones?
HERB:
The wife thought five courses would be sufficient.
(PAUSE FOR LAUGHTER)
HART:
And there was a paltry excuse for entertainment.
HERB:
The string quartet.
(PAUSE FOR LAUGHTER)
HART:
And then there was that embarrassing display of beatnik enthusiasm.
HERB:
I wore a turtleneck.
(PAUSE FOR LAUGHTER)
HART:
Yes, best of luck in the unemployment line out there, Jones.
Herb begins to exit, and Martin looks horrified.
HART:
(To Martin)
You know, I owe my success to being a keen judge of character. No skeletons in your closet, eh, Blackwood?
MARTIN:
N-no sir, no...closet…no closeting-I mean closets, that is to say, of course, no skeletons in my closet. Heh…
(PAUSE FOR LAUGHTER)
HART:
Glad to hear it. Your future in this company depends upon it.
Hart exits, and Martin looks distressed.
4. INT. JONATHAN SIMS AND MARTIN BLACKWOOD HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY
Jon and Agnes sit on the couch, flipping through magazines. Agnes looks as though she is enjoying herself, while Jon looks as though he is cramming for an exam.
AGNES:
Have you got a song? Something special you two like?
JON:
Ah, no, nothing like that.
AGNES:
Oh, I’ll just loan you some records then. So-
[Agnes looks at her list]
AGNES, Cont’d:
-we have music covered, wardrobe-oh, you should set up candles, that’d be romantic!
JON:
Oh, no, definitely not. Nearly 1,500 people per year die from candle related accidents.
Jon freezes, and Agnes looks surprised.
(PAUSE FOR LAUGHTER)
JON:
I...I’m guessing that it’s that highly specific number, of course.
(PAUSE FOR LAUGHTER)
The phone rings, and Jon walks over to pick it up.
JON:
(On the phone)
Jon speaking?
5. INT. FILING SERVICES OFFICE BUILDING, MARTIN’S JOB - MARTIN’S DESK
Martin is calling from his office, looking stressed. We switch between the two as they speak.
MARTIN:
Oh, Jon, good, listen, about tonight-
6. INT. JONATHAN SIMS AND MARTIN BLACKWOOD HOUSE - LIVING ROOM
JON:
(Pleased)
Don’t worry, love, I have everything under control.
Jon grins at Agnes, who winks.
MARTIN (V.O.):
That’s a relief to hear...honestly, I’m terribly nervous.
JON:
Nervous? Whatever for?
MARTIN (V.O.):
Well, you know me, I still get tongue-tied.
JON:
(Blushing slightly)
Oh, after all this time?
7. INT. FILING SERVICES OFFICE BUILDING, MARTIN’S JOB - MARTIN’S DESK
MARTIN:
There’s an awful lot riding on this one. If tonight doesn’t go just right, I think this could be the end.
(PAUSE FOR LAUGHTER)
8. INT. JONATHAN SIMS AND MARTIN BLACKWOOD HOUSE - LIVING ROOM
JON:
(Confused)
Well, it’s just one night. There’s no need to get dramatic.
9. INT. FILING SERVICES OFFICE BUILDING, MARTIN’S JOB - MARTIN’S DESK
MARTIN:
I think the best course of action is to be as impressive as possible.
10. INT. JONATHAN SIMS AND MARTIN BLACKWOOD HOUSE - LIVING ROOM
JON:
(Gathering himself)
I couldn’t agree more.
MARTIN (V.O.):
Wonderful, I’m glad to know we’re both on the same page...until tonight, then.
JON: Until tonight.
Jon hangs up the phone, and then turns to Agnes.
JON:
Do you know any place where we can get some candles?
COMMERCIAL BREAK
A young woman is startled when she hears a knock on her door. “Who is it?” She calls fearfully, creeping over to the doorknob.
She looks out the peephole, and gaps when a large cartoon spider grins at her. “Knock, knock!” The spider says in a garbled voice.
The woman reels back in horror, hand over her mouth. “Tired of those visits from Mr. Spider?” A male voice asks, and the woman nods, looking relieved.
“Well, say goodbye to those days with Cane’s patented Web-B-Gone!” The voice says cheerfully. The woman whirls around, snatching a can of bug spray from the table beside her. The can is golden in color, with only an intricate spider web pattern on it.
The woman flings open the door, and Mr. Spider’s grin falls away when he sees the Web-B-Gone. The woman confidently sprays him, and he scuttles back, hissing and spitting. “I’ll be back for more!” Mr. Spider howls.
“Not while Web-B-Gone is around!” The voice says cheerfully.
The woman holds up the canister proudly. “Get rid of those pesky strings with Web-B-Gone!” The voice says. “And kick Mr. Spider to the curb for good!”
BACK TO YOUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED PROGRAMMING
11. INT. JONATHAN SIMS AND MARTIN BLACKWOOD HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - EVENING
Martin enters, followed by Hart and MRS. HART, a proper looking older woman and the inverse of Hart’s domineering and entitled attitude. The house is dark and quiet, lit only by many candles.
MARTIN:
Here we are!
The three enter, and the Harts look confused.
MRS. HART:
Ooh, how very...atmospheric.
(PAUSE FOR LAUGHTER)
HART:
What’s going on here, Blackwood, you blow a fuse or something?
MARTIN:
Er...one moment, let me just check on something-
Martin rushes off into the kitchen, presumably looking for Jon. Jon, meanwhile, enters coming down the stairs, clearly having trouble navigating in the dark. His hands are spread out and he’s reaching around.
JON:
Martin, are you-
Jon misses a step and tumbles down with a loud crash. Martin bursts back in, flipping the lights on to reveal a very dazed looking Jon lying in a heap at the bottom of the steps. The Harts stare at him in shock.
(PAUSE FOR RAUCOUS LAUGHTER AND CHEERING, WE LIKE IT WHEN JON GETS HURT
HART:
What is the meaning of this?!
MARTIN:
(Stammering)
I-uh, what-what is the meaning of this, actually?!
HART:
Who is this man?!
Martin and Jon share a nervous look, each stuttering over the other.
MARTIN:
He’s, uh, my brother!
(PAUSE FOR LAUGHTER)
Hart looks between Martin and Jon, clearly noting their distinct differences.
HART:
(Doubtfully)
Your brother.
JON:
(As if bursting)
I’m adopted!
(PAUSE FOR LAUGHTER)
HART:
And the candles…?
JON:
(Scrambling to his feet)
Scottish tradition!
(PAUSE FOR LAUGHTER)
JON:
We, uh, spent some time in Scotland, and they do this thing where they turn off all the lights, put out candles, and...fall down the stairs…
(PAUSE FOR LAUGHTER)
JON:
(Weakly)
It’s...meant to break the tension…
(PAUSE FOR LAUGHTER)
MARTIN:
Jon, could I...speak with you in private for a moment? In the kitchen?
JON:
Yes, yes, ah (To the Harts) make yourselves at home.
12. INT. JONATHAN SIMS AND MARTIN BLACKWOOD HOUSE - KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
Jon and Martin enter, and then immediately whirl around to face each other.
JON:
Who are those people?
MARTIN:
What’s the deal with the candles?!
JON:
Why are they here?!
MARTIN:
It smells like a wax museum exploded in there! a house fire waiting to happen!
(PAUSE FOR LAUGHTER)
JON:
It’s our anniversary!
MARTIN:
Our anniversary of what?!
JON:
(Clearly at his limit)
Well, if you don’t know, I’m not going to tell you!
(PAUSE FOR LAUGHTER)
MARTIN:
That man out there is my boss, Mr. Hart! The heart on the calendar is an abbreviation! I thought we were on the same page here!
JON:
So did I!
MARTIN:
How did you not Know?!
JON:
I thought I knew so I didn’t have to Know! How can I Know what I don’t know?! Or know what I don’t Know?!
MARTIN:
What are you even talking about?!
JON:
(Shaking his hands in nerves and pent up energy)
I don’t know! Or Know, I don’t-augh!
(PAUSE FOR LAUGHTER)
MARTIN:
Jon, this is all very lovely, honestly, it’s adorable and any other time I’d be all over it, but right now...
JON:
Your boss and his wife are expecting a home-cooked meal.
MARTIN:
Exactly.
JON:
Right…
Jon looks around the bare kitchen and frowns.
JON:
Do you think they’d appreciate tea and half a bagel?
(PAUSE FOR LAUGHTER)
JON:
Hm...I might have an idea.
13. INT. JONATHAN SIMS AND MARTIN BLACKWOOD HOUSE - LIVING ROOM
Martin is sitting down next to the Harts, trying not to look nervous as Mr. Hart speaks to him, trying to distract his guests from Jon’s frantic activities in the kitchen.
HART:
-so I said, “If we orient the forms horizontally, rather than vertically, we can use twice the paper, and bill twice the cost”.
MARTIN:
(Laughing nervously)
You truly are a pioneer, ah, and the purpose of the forms is…?
HART:
To maximize our input and output, of course.
MARTIN:
Huh…
HART:
Awfully dense, aren’t you?
(PAUSE FOR LAUGHTER)
14. INT. JONATHAN SIMS AND MARTIN BLACKWOOD HOUSE - KITCHEN
Jon darts to the backdoor, opening it. Agnes enters with a huge armful of various food ingredients and cooking supplies.
JON:
Oh, Agnes, you’re a lifesaver!
Jon begins to help Agnes set up.
AGNES:
Oh, what kind of housewife would I be if I didn’t have a gourmet meal for four just lying about the place? Not that Ralph ever wants to eat anything other than baked beans, which explains a lot about his personal appeal, mind you.
(PAUSE FOR LAUGHTER)
Agnes turns, and accidentally knocks over a large pot, which clatters loudly to the floor.
AGNES:
Oh, my!
15. INT. JONATHAN SIMS AND MARTIN BLACKWOOD HOUSE - LIVING ROOM
Martin jumps to his feet at the sound, followed closely by Mrs. Hart.
MRS. HART:
Do you think Jon needs help in the kitchen? We haven’t any tidbits or tarts out here, nary a pig in a blanket.
MARTIN:
That’s very kind of you, Mrs. Hart, but I’m sure (Shouting towards Jon) he’s absolutely fine in there!
(PAUSE FOR LAUGHTER)
16. INT. JONATHAN SIMS AND MARTIN BLACKWOOD HOUSE - KITCHEN
Jon winces slightly at the shout.
JON:
Well, thank you Agnes, I think I have it covered from here.
AGNES:
Are you sure you don’t need any more help? Many hands make light work, and I’d love to hear about what a lucky lady Armdorstar is.
JON:
Er...who?
AGNES:
Your girlfriend.
JON:
My-oh! Oh, yes!
(PAUSE FOR LAUGHTER)
JON:
No, ah, I’m good here, thank you-
Jon tries to usher Agnes out, but she walks deftly around him and wanders the kitchen.
AGNES:
Shall I just preheat the oven then?
JON:
Oh, that won’t be necessary-
AGNES:
Well, I ought to tell you some tips for Lobster Thermidor, Steak Diane, mint jellies-
JON:
It’s really fine-
AGNES:
Do you set your own jellies?
JON:
(Blanking out)
...yes.
AGNES:
‘Atta boy!
(PAUSE FOR LAUGHTER)
AGNES:
Well, if you’re sure then, bon appetit!
Agnes exits, and Jon closes the door behind him. He looks overwhelmed, wringing his hands and breathing more rapidly than before.
JON:
Okay, okay, we’ve got a pile of ingredients...let’s see what we can do…
17. INT. JONATHAN SIMS AND MARTIN BLACKWOOD HOUSE - LIVING ROOM
Martin winces when he hears a loud crash in the kitchen.
MARTIN:
Ah...just a moment!
Martin leaves the Harts, and ducks into the kitchen, looking panicked.
18. INT. JONATHAN SIMS AND MARTIN BLACKWOOD HOUSE - KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
Jon is frazzled, every single space in the kitchen taken up with something that is boiling over, on fire, or scattered messily.
(PAUSE FOR LAUGHTER)
MARTIN:
What’s going on?!
JON:
I’m cooking!
MARTIN:
No, you’re creating a biohazard!
(PAUSE FOR LAUGHTER)
MARTIN:
Don’t you Know recipes?
JON:
I Know exactly 612 recipes, but there’s a big difference between Knowing exactly how to kill a lobster and actually doing it!
Jon grabs a lobster for emphasis, and it suddenly wiggles wildly. Jon yelps, throwing it out the open window.
(PAUSE FOR LAUGHTER)
MARTIN:
Is there anything you haven’t destroyed?
JON:
Steak is the last man standing.
MARTIN:
Wonderful. I’ll have a go at it, and you go make small talk with the Harts.
JON:
I’m terrible at small talk!
MARTIN:
You’re terrible at cooking too! Pick your poison!
(PAUSE FOR LAUGHTER)
Jon throws up his hands and enters the living room.
19. INT. JONATHAN SIMS AND MARTIN BLACKWOOD HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Jon is wearing a very forced smile and trying not to fidget.
JON:
I hope you're hungry!
HART:
Starved, more like it.
MRS. HART:
My head is starting to feel woozy.
HART:
What is going on? What’s taking so long? What is going on in there?
The Harts stare intently at Jon, who looks nauseous.
JON:
(Panicked)
Were either of you aware that the most common way to kill a lobster is boiling it alive and it can feel itself boiling for over three minutes?
(PAUSE FOR LAUGHTER)
The Harts continue to stare at Jon, who looks like he wants to disappear. There is a knock at the door, and both Jon and Martin rush to answer it. Agnes is there, holding a pineapple.
AGNES:
You didn’t answer the back door. (She hands Jon the pineapple) For your upside-down cake! (She sees Martin) Oh, hello-
Jon closes the door in the middle of her sentence.
(PAUSE FOR LAUGHTER)
HART: Who’s that?
JON and MARTIN:
(At the same time)
Salesman/Telegram!
(PAUSE FOR LAUGHTER)
MARTIN:
It’s, uh...man selling telegrams.
JON:
Wouldn’t you know it, good news is more expensive.
MARTIN:
(Quietly to Jon)
I couldn’t find the lobsters, and do we want the meat tender or pulverized?
JON:
(Quietly)
I’m trading places.
(PAUSE FOR LAUGHTER)
Jon rushes back into the kitchen, leaving Martin to the Harts
MARTIN:
(Weakly)
Anyone up for Parcheesi?
(PAUSE FOR LAUGHTER)
MRS. HART:
M-my head is spinning.
MARTIN:
(Concerned)
Oh, Mrs. Hart, are you alright?
Martin helps Mrs. Hart sit down, and Mr. Hart glares.
HART:
Do you hear that? My wife’s head is spinning! Generally speaking, I don’t like her head to do that!
20. INT. JONATHAN SIMS AND MARTIN BLACKWOOD HOUSE - KITCHEN
Jon sweeps away failed meals, looking desperate.
JON:
Time to improvise…come on, give me a simple recipe…
Jon pauses, his expression becoming one of intense concentration. There seems to be a strange shift around him, as if there is a beat that should not be there, something that does not belong here
JON:
(Snapping back to reality)
That’s it!
21. INT. JONATHAN SIMS AND MARTIN BLACKWOOD HOUSE - LIVING ROOM
HART:
You know, I’m beginning to think you aren’t management material, Blackwood.
As he speaks, Jon is frantically throwing together what he can and bringing it out to the table. The Harts do not see him.
HART:
I mean, look around. There’s all this chaos going around in your household! Now what are we gonna eat?
JON:
Dinner is served!
The table is set with breakfast food, and Jon is uncorking a wine bottle, trying to disguise an anxious expression.
HART:
Breakfast for dinner? How very, uh…
MRS. HART:
British! Or is it Scottish?
JON:
Yes.
(PAUSE FOR LAUGHTER)
MARTIN:
Let’s eat!
They sit down, beginning to eat.
MRS. HART:
So, what brought you two here, so far from home?
MARTIN:
Oh, well, London’s not all that far, really…
MRS. HART:
No, no, you’re quite far from home, aren’t you? So what brought you boys all the way out to New Jersey?
Jon pauses, looking distant because he’s not supposed to be here. None of them are. Where is he? And it should hurt. It always hurts. He Knows it should hurt, but he can’t See why, and he doesn’t know if it’s himself or something else. There are no scars, no exhaustion, as if something broke and knit itself back together to his liking, but it’s wrong and he knows that.
HART:
Where are you from? Why are you here?
We can’t see Martin, only focused on Jon.
Hart slams his hands on the table, oddly panicked.
HART:
Tell me, dammit! It’s a simple question! Why did you come here?!
Where did he come from? He can’t quite remember, if he’s being honest, and he doesn’t want to remember. He doesn’t want to know. He doesn’t want to Know, and pushes away the knowledge as it approaches him as though it were a leper.
Jon’s eyes shift to Hart ever so slightly, and he Sees him, Sees everything, straight through him, drinking it in like a tonic. He doesn’t want to, he wants to stop, but he can’t take it back, and Hart chokes, shrinking away, his own eyes wide and fearful, unable to tear his gaze away from Jon. Mrs. Hart laughs, telling her husband to stop playing around, but her voice is choked and forced. Jon Sees Hart, there is nothing to hide, and he
HART:
(Glancing at his watch)
Well, would you look at the time?
The Harts stand up suddenly, prepping themselves to leave.
MRS. HART:
We really must be going.
JON:
(Hesitantly)
Are you alright?
MRS. HART:
We had such a lovely time! (She looks to the stairs) Oh...do I need to tumble down to say goodbye?
(PAUSE FOR LAUGHTER)
JON:
Oh, no that’s not necessary, ah...thank you for coming!
Mrs. Hart shakes Jon’s hand, smiling pleasantly. Nothing is wrong.
HART:
(Warmly, to Martin)
You made me proud tonight, son. First thing Monday morning, you and I are gonna have a little chat. We’ll see about that promotion.
MARTIN:
(Happily, shaking Hart’s hand)
Y-yes sir, thank you sir!
Jon opens the door for the Harts, and pauses when there is a lobster stuck on the door knocker.
(PAUSE FOR LAUGHTER)
MRS. HART:
Oh, what a charming door-knocker!
[She knocks with it twice]
(PAUSE FOR LAUGHTER)
MRS. HART:
(Leaving alongside her husband)
Goodnight, Mr. Blackwood! And Mr. Blackwood!
Jon closes the door, his face softening when Mrs. Hart calls him Mr. Blackwood. He breathes a sigh of relief, collapsing next to Martin on the couch.
JON:
I suppose we are an unusual couple, aren’t we?
MARTIN:
Oh, I don’t think anyone could argue that.
JON:
Well...what I mean is that we haven’t got what a lot of couples do. We don’t have a song. No rings. Or even an anniversary.
MARTIN:
Today could be our anniversary.
JON:
Of what, surviving our first dinner party?
(PAUSE FOR LAUGHTER)
Jon leans against Martin.
JON:
I like being Jonathan Blackwood. It’s got a nice ring to it.
MARTIN:
(Looking surprised and flustered)
You’d...take my last name?
JON:
Why not? I mean...if it’s okay with you, of course.
MARTIN:
No no, of course I’m okay with it!
Martin takes Jon’s hand, and the two press against each other. Safe. Content.
MARTIN:
Mr. and Mr. Blackwood. Together at last.
JON:
And they lived happily ever after.
Jon and Martin kiss as we fade to black, audience cheering.
(ROLL CREDITS)