Chapter Text
Jensen couldn't help but chuckle as he watched his niece and her friends run round the circuit he'd pointed out to them. They were taking their 'training' very seriously and he was really glad that he'd agreed to help Josh coach Ali's little league team. He'd just moved back to his home town after finally completing his training to be a physical therapist and was living in his brother's spare room until he got himself sorted out. as long as he survived the three month trial period of his new job he planned to get his own apartment.
Today he and Josh had brought the girls to the park so that they could run and do some training before having a picnic provided by Josh's wife, Casey. She'd had the sense to stay home with baby Terri though, leaving Josh and Jensen to cope with the giggling youngsters by themselves.
Josh had gone back to his truck to fetch the coolers of food and drink while the girls finished their 'cool down' laps. They all adored him and were very keen to do well in the season's games so had been taking their training sessions very seriously. Jensen was still a novelty - this was only his second practice session with them so they were still being spookily well behaved.
Josh put the food down and spread out a couple of rugs as the girls flocked back; he handed out juice boxes and they all started to eat and drink, happily chatting at the tops of their voice's. Josh looked up suspiciously and gave Jensen a look of concern, "there's a guy on the bench over there, I think he's watching us." he said quietly, obviously not wanting to alarm the girls.
Jensen looked over where his brother indicated, there was indeed a youngish looking man watching them intently, "you stay with the kids, I'll go check him out."
He started to walk over to the bench to get a closer look, the guy's face was partially hidden by dark glasses and a baseball cap, he had a few days worth of scruffy beard growth and despite the hot summer day he was bundled in layers of clothes.
"Hi," Jensen said pleasantly, not sure how to start this conversation - excuse me but are you perving on my niece didn't seem very polite somehow. The guy looked up and his face broke into a dazzling smile that Jensen knew instantly even if the rest of his friend's appearance had changed beyond recognition.
"Jared? Oh my God! Jared?"
"Jensen, yeah, it's me. My mom told me you were back." He didn't stand up though, or pull Jensen into one of his huge bear hugs, just sat there. And Jensen felt an icy fist clutch in his chest, he'd been working in hospitals long enough to know that there was something really wrong with Jared.
He sat down beside him and gripped his friend's hand, "God, man. I've got so much to tell you, I've been back a week, was going to come over to see your Mom and find out where you were living now. What did you study in the end?"
"I didn't go to college," Jared's smile became sad and distant and he pinched the bridge of his nose as his forehead tightened in pain. "I'm sorry, Jensen but I really have to go. My apartment's right across the street, maybe you could come and see me sometime?"
He looked so broken and just downright wrong that Jensen felt a lump crawling into his throat and choking him. "Of course, Jay. I'm really glad I bumped into you." He realized that he was still gripping his friend's hand and he dropped it with a shaky laugh. "Got your phone? let me give you my number?" and Jared pulled his phone out of his pocket and handed it over to Jensen, letting him sort out making sure they both had each others contact details.
Jared stood up slowly and it was like watching an old man move, once he was on his feet he swayed a little and Jenesn had to reach out and steady him. The moment stretched between them and Jensen felt the bones of Jared's shoulder through the layers of his clothes. Finally, regretfully, he pulled away "I'd better get back, Jensen said reluctantly, "It's not fair to leave Josh alone with the dream team for too long." Jared smiled again and Jensen remembered those years of high school when making Jared laugh had been his main goal half the time, clowning around and acting stupid, just to see his friends eyes light up and the deep dimples appear. Not that it had been hard work, Jared had been the most joyful person he's ever known.
As Jensen jogged back to the girls with a wave he couldn't help but watch Jared shuffling off, even if he hadn't been a trained physical therapist it would have been obvious that every movement was causing him pain.
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Jensen kept replaying the meeting over and over in his head, he couldn't begin to understand what had happened to make his Jared so different. The first year he'd been at college he'd come home for vacations and he and Jay had picked up where they left off, goofing around and just hanging out the way they'd always done. But then things had tapered off, Jensen had a new girlfriend and gone to meet her parents for thanksgiving, Jared was with his grandma for Christmas and somehow three years had passed without them meeting up. To begin with Jensen had e-mailed frequently but the responses from Jared had got briefer and briefer until in the end he hadn't replied at all.
It didn't mean Jensen didn't think about him a lot though. despite the two year difference in age they'd been firm friends from the word go. Both of them tagging along with their big brothers to a party and hiding in the corner together after being abandoned in favor of girls! Both of them still at the age where they still thought they were far above that sort of thing and were happier to watch the antics of their older brothers and make fun of them rather than join in.
They'd found so much in common that they started hanging out together a lot, both in and out of school. Going camping together, playing basketball or just having horror movie or game marathons. All their favorite things were made better by having someone else to share it with. Even the bad times were shared, as Jared's family struggled to come to terms with his sexuality and Jensen's parents had wanted him to be a Doctor instead of a physical therapist. All the storms were weathered over illicit beers and too much candy.
Jensen missed that closeness now, he hadn't found it again with anyone else. He never had a girlfriend that stayed around more than a couple of months and truth be told he was never that sorry to see them go.
Jensen helped his sister-in-law wash the dishes while Josh was putting Terri to bed, Ali was reading a book before she settled down for the night. He rubbed his still soapy hand through her mop of curly hair and was rewarded by an annoyed squawk. "Okay, pipsqueak? You guys did good out there today," she grinned and it warmed his heart that it was so easy to make her feel good about herself. He knew from growing up with Mac how soon that could change.
He pleaded tiredness and headed to his room early, he wanted to phone Jared, there were so many questions he wanted to ask him. At the last minute he changed his mind, if Jared was sick then maybe he was sleeping or something so he settled for sending a text instead.
good to see you, can I come over tomorrow?
He flipped open his laptop while he waited, to check his e-mails. There was an invite for a party at the weekend from his girlfriend, Tasha. He'd dated her a few times after meeting her when he came back at Easter for his job interview, she was a red hot red head and a very enthusiastic partner in bed but he still didn't feel that instant spark of connection that he was looking for in his perfect mate.
The party was going to be for her friend Sara at a local bar and the band she'd got was supposed to be really good. He fired off a reply saying that it sounded great, guiltily thinking he ought to call her but he really was tired and he didn't think he'd have the energy for a blow by blow account of her day at the nail salon.
He took out his contacts and rubbed his eyes, he wondered again about Lasik but still wasn’t sure if he trusted the procedure. Still his eyes killed when he took his lenses out at night so maybe when he had his first paycheck he could start saving up and checking out the options. Jensen settled on the bed and tried to remember the last time he'd actually seen Jared, guiltily wishing he'd made more of an effort to stay in touch. They had been so close, had been more than friends really, Jared's easy habit of
His phone jingled on the night stand and he grabbed it up, his belly warming when he saw that the reply was from Jared.
Cool - no.9 - bring donuts
That made Jensen really grin, his friend had always been a bottomless pit as far as any food was concerned but donuts had been his favorite. Most of his teenage traumas and tantrums had been overcome by the pair of them hiding out in the pool house that they'd commandeered as a den, eating donuts until they thought they'd be sick. Even back then they'd been so sure of what they were going to do, changing the world a piece at a time.
Jensen had always wanted to be hands on, that's why physical therapy had appealed to him so much. Jared though had been more interested in how things worked, what made people tick. His plan had been to become a child psychologist or a play therapist, working with damaged children to help them get back on track. It saddened Jensen to think something had stopped his friend from fulfilling his dream.
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Jensen was afraid to get to Jared's place too early, he wanted to be on the doorstep at seven, was so full of questions ready to bombard him with that he'd hardly slept. As it was he made himself go for a run to calm down, showering and getting himself round to 'world O' donuts' to collect a huge selection box just after nine. He made himself wait in the truck until ten, figuring that had to be plenty late enough; it had always been him who had problems getting up in the morning anyway, not Jared.
He rang the doorbell and called Jared's name but got no response. Weird, he thought, maybe Jared had meant him to come later, he tried the bell again and waited outside the door to Jared's apartment, he didn't know what to think but he felt disappointment crash over him like a wave, rising up to block his throat with a queasy lump. Just when he was about to give up and leave his phone jingled and he checked the text message.
key under plant
And just like that his heart soared again. The only plant in the shared hallway of the apartment block was a half dead Peace lily in the window sill so he checked and sure enough there was the key. He let himself in to the apartment and looked around. The living room was large and open, dominated by a huge couch, the curtains were all closed and the room was silent. That in itself was strange, Jared had always surrounded himself with noise, music or the TV blaring at all times of the day or night.
"Jay?" he called softly, as he walked on in. "Through here," came the weak response and Jensen plonked the donuts on the coffee table and headed up the hall to find Jared's bedroom. The room was dark, blackout blinds shaded the windows, Jared was just a dim figure lying huddled in the bed.
"Sorry," he murmured. "I overdid it yesterday, when I realized it was you in the park I stayed out way longer than I should have."
"Oh God,Jay! what the fuck is wrong with you? " Jensen couldn't stop the words from tumbling out of his mouth, he was horrified at the changes three short years had wrought in his once lively and vibrant best friend.
"My head's okay today, you can open the blinds if you like?" Jared suggested so Jensen did as he was told, finally retuning to perch himself on the edge of the bed. Jared had pulled himself upright now but he still slumped against the pillows and he was panting with the effort it had cost him.
"Is this okay? does it hurt you? God, Jared I'm so sorry." Jensen knew he was babbling, he was supposed to be a trained professional for goodness sake, illness wasn't supposed to upset him like this.
"Why? You didn't do anything," Jared smiled. "Did you bring my donuts?"
Jensen nodded dumbly.
"Good, I don't always feel like eating but I really fancy jelly donuts today for some reason. Probably because they make me think of you."
"Can I do anything? is this . . ? I mean, are you . . ?" He was choked again by the lump in his throat, his mind going to all sorts of terrible places.
"Jen, breathe okay? I'm just sick, not dying. I promise." Jared reached out and squeezed his arm. "And yeah there is something you can do for me, you can get my shaving stuff and get rid of this for me, I don't like to ask my mom and my arms are aching too bad for me to reach up at the moment." He scratched his fingers through the scruff of beard on his chin.
Jensen felt dizzy with relief at Jared's words. "Yeah, he grinned, "not that you're not rocking the hobo chic there but I always preferred you fungus free!" and he was delighted too hear Jared laugh, soft and free and suddenly it felt like they'd never been apart.
"Mornings can be really hard, it takes me a long while to get going," Jared admitted, "but if you could help me shave I can come into the sitting room and we can eat, yeah? I'm longing to hear what you've been up to."
Jensen filled a basin with warm water as he found the Jared's shaving stuff. When he got back to the bedroom he found that Jared was sitting up, he'd swung his legs over the edge of the bed and pulled on a pair of sweat pants. He looked exhausted by the effort, his eyes closed as he breathed slowly. The T-shirt he was wearing hun too loose on his frame, he'd obviously weight and Jensen could see the sharp curve of Jred's collar bones standing out to harsh. His skin pale against the dark fabric of the shirt. Carefully Jensen set the basin down and took Jared's chin in his hand, kneeling in front of his friend as he began to work the foam into his cheeks.
"tell me if I hurt you, okay? Does this feel alright?"
"You're fine, Jen. It's . . . you can't hurt me just by doing that, okay? It feels nice actually."
Reassured by his friend's words Jensen got to work, sliding the safety razor carefully through the foam and rinsing the blade in the water. When he'd finished he patted Jared's face dry and inspected his handiwork. " Not bad," he said critically, "a definite improvement I think."
Jared rubbed his hand across his jaw, "feels much better" he agreed. "My mom comes out every couple of days when I'm not so good but I hate to ask her to do more for me than she does already." Jensen can see goose bumps rising on his friends arms and without really thinking he leans forward and absently runs his hands briskly up and down them, using friction to try and warm him. "You're cold," and Jared's laugh is strangely shaky. "always," he concurred, "when I'm not totally overheating and sweating my ass off." Abruptly he pulled away, grabbing clothes from a chair and heading towards the bathroom.
"Go on, go make coffee to go with the donuts, I'll be through in a minute, I have the decaff', white and two but there's proper coffee in the cupboard above the kettle if you want it."
Jensen does as he's told and is sitting on the monster couch waiting and sipping his coffee by the time Jared comes in. He's wearing layers again now, topped with a dark green fleecy sweater that looks soft and cozy.
"Awesome," Jared snagged a jelly doughnut from the box as he made his way to the couch and began to eat it slowly. Something about the careful deliberation in the way Jared eats gets to Jensen like nothing before. Jared . . . his Jared would have disappeared the thing in two bites without coming up for air; his Jared, on a dare from Chad had eaten six jelly donuts whole without stopping. His Jared was larger than life, loud and exuberant, not this quiet shadow.
Jared face fell under Jensen's scrutiny, "It was nice of you to stop by," he said softly. "I'm glad you're doing okay."
"Hey, dude, I'm going nowhere just yet, we haven't even begun to catch up, my new job doesn't start till Monday so you're not going to get rid of me before then!"
"Really, because . . . some people can't deal with me being sick, they want me back the way I was before."
"hey," Jensen was disturbed by the way the light had gone out in Jared's eyes, he slumped back against the couch cushions looking small and defeated and Jensen couldn't help himself but reach out, pulling his friend closer helping him to settle so that his head was resting on Jensen's shoulders. "I'm not some people, okay? I've just found you, and I know I was a shitty friend and I should have pushed harder when we lost touch but I'm here now and I'm not going anywhere."
Jared shivered in Jensen's arms then fell still, "Please don't make me promises you don't know you can keep."
"Okay, dude, this is getting heavy, drink your coffee and then you can tell me what this is all about, yeah?"
Jared rubbed his hand across his face. "you're right, it's just . . . blame it on the illness okay? It makes me a bit emo' sometimes."
Jensen waited patiently as Jared finished his drink and settled himself back again. "So it's hard to know where to start really," he said softly. "Believe it or not I'm having a good phase right now, bad days I can't get out of bed, really bad days I can't even feed myself. The worst time I spent three weeks in hospital on a drip but thatw as a while ago, I like to hope maybe I'm starting to get better."
"oh Jared," Jensen said softly, wishing he'd known, wishing he could have been with his friend while he went through this.
"I'm not trying to make you feel sorry for me," Jared protested. "I don't want your pity."
"No, Jared, fuck! man, I wish I'd been here for you that's all."
"I didn't want you here," Jared said softly. "That's why I stopped writing to you and stuff."
"Oh Jay!"
"It's okay, Jen. Really it is, you sounded so happy, you were doing so well at college. I didn't want you to get distracted or worried about me."
"Idiot," Jensen said fondly, "We're BFF's. you can't get rid of me that easily."
"Yeah, well.”Jared sighed tiredly. “when this all started I had a boyfriend, do you remember Milo? He couldn't handle me being sick and eventually he got bored and found someone else. All my friends were busy, doing school stuff, having lives. I'm used to being lonely now, I guess. But I don't think I could take getting close to you and then losing you all over again."
"Jay, that's crappy, I'm sorry you had to go through all that on top of being sick, I don't know if it was brave or stupid of you to push me away before but I'm back now, I swear, Jay. I'm going nowhere."
"Thank you." Jared slumped back into the cushioned corner of the couch, he looked drained and worn, he skin had taken on a greyish cast and the dark circles under his eyes almost looked like bruises. He bit his lip as he admitted “Jensen I'm really tired,"
Jensen shuffled further along the couch where he lifted Jared's feet up into his lap and began to rub them softly, "just rest for a while, I can stay all day, we can talk more later."
"k. thanks, Jensen. . . .” His eyes fluttered closed, as he gave a soft little sigh as Jensen continued his gentle massage. “Jen. I missed you."
Jensen sat and watched Jared doze for a little while and then found himself yawning uncontrollably, he hadn't slept too well the night before in his concern for his friend so now he figured he might as well catch up on some rest himself. She rearranged himself in his corner of the couch and closed his eyes. He realized how comfortable it was and guessed it had been bought specially so Jared would have an alternative to being in bed all day. He was reassured by Jared's promise that he wasn't dying but still was concerned about what was actually wrong with him.
Jensen wasn't sure how long he slept but when he woke up Jared was already awake and watching him with an amused smile on his face. Jensen rubbed his eyes and tried to blink the gritty feeling out of his contacts as he ran his fingers back through his hair, "sorry," he muttered, and Jared chuckled. "S'cool, makes a nice change for it not to be me conking out everywhere. That's how this started you know, I even fell asleep in school a few times. Got sent home more often than I stayed in the end."
"What is it?" Jensen asked and Jared slid over a fresh mug of Coffee, " here I made these while you were dreaming sweet dreams judging by the cute little noises you were making!"
"Shut up, I was not!" Jensen retorted then softened his tone.
"Every time I ask you avoid the issue. I'm not going to be scared off by whatever it is, okay. You can trust me to be cool with it."
"It's not that . . . it's, well I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, okay? It used to be called ME and a lot of people have a problem with it. I . . . I don't talk to my Dad any more, he thinks all I need is to pull myself together and try a bit harder." Jared swallowed and looked away, fiddling with his coffee then making an elaborate show of choosing another doughnut.
Jensen reached out and took his hand, "Oh man, what you've been through. Actually I know a little bit about it. My room mate did his final dissertation on it, he was an Occupational Therapy major. I know it's real, Jay but I know what a struggle it can be to even get a diagnosis."
"Yeah, it was tough to start with but we lucked out with the Doctor I got referred to, I had a heart murmur but it was just part of the pattern, nothing serious but it was that made them start taking it seriously."
"Oh man," Jensen shook his head, he realized he was still clutching Jared's hand but couldn't bring himself to release it.
"Hey, Jensen, it's cool. I'm one of the lucky ones, really. The younger you are when you get it the better your chances of growing out of it." He raised Jensen's hand up slowly to his lips and for a second he thought his friend was going to kiss it. Abruptly though Jared dropped it and picked up his doughnut again. "Can that be it for questions now, please? I don't like to talk about it when I've only just got you back. Can we talk about other stuff instead?"
"sure," Jensen agreed, just promise that you'll tell me if you need anything or you're uncomfortable or whatever, Yeah? no being all heroic and suffering bravely on my watch, got it?"
Got it, Jared agreed, "wanna put a movie on? I've got that remake of My bloody Valentine we could watch, see if it's as good as the original?"
Jensen laughed, despite how much things had changed suddenly it all felt just the same.