Chapter Text
Mistletoe and Countdowns
It started harmlessly before Christmas. They’d been teasing one another for months since filming season two started and little fan stuff began to pop up on the internet about something in the fandom world of fiction.
At first Jared had been embarrassed to tell Jensen about it since as far as Jared Padalecki knew his too hot co-star, roommate, best friend, and the guy who played his TV older brother was as straight as the tough and no-nonsense character Jensen Ackles played on Supernatural.
The first time Jensen had gotten a peek at what their fans called Wincest Jared had thought his friend’s eyes were going to turn inside out, then he’d walked away and there was an unusual tension between them for a couple days. A tension that had definitely told Jared to keep his mouth shut about a couple things that had also cropped up between them or at least the younger man had thought it had. Now he knew it was just his own stupid imagination putting those thoughts about Jensen in his head.
They shared a house since it was easier than both of them renting one in Vancouver. It was also easier on their bodyguard/driver to just pick them both up at one place so there hadn’t been any issues there.
From the first time they met the two actors had discovered that while they were totally different in likes and personality they did have a few things in common that made living together easier. Or it was until the first time Jared saw Jensen come out of the shower when he hadn’t been expecting him to be home from his morning run that early.
Jared had blushed for a week after that and he’d also worked damn hard to not let Jensen find out how seeing him naked had affected him after that except he started to suspect his co-star had a hunch when Jensen began to make odd little comments or teasing gestures or when those moments of catching one another either coming out of the shower or in the middle of dressing happened a couple more times.
By the time the Wincest thing came up Jared was sure of two things and on the fence about another. He was totally sure Jensen was straight despite a couple rumors he’d heard floating around Vancouver that had been started by a couple of Jensen’s former Smallville co-stars. He was also very certain that despite Jensen playfully saying in an interview before the show started that he couldn’t play Jared’s brother because Jared was hot, that it was in fact the other way around and that Jensen was the hot one of their duo.
The thing that Jared was on the fence over was slightly more complicated given the line of work he was in and how if it ever got out that it would ruin not only the show but his friendship was that he was half certain he was falling in love with his co-star; his very straight and totally hot co-star.
Jared worked to ignore it and tell himself he’d been in Canada too long. He was sure when they broke for the first summer break…if they got renewed for a second season that by the time he and Jensen saw one another again that he’d be over what his brother had teasingly called his crush on his co-star. It was quickly plain to the 6’4” Texan that the moment he stepped back on the set and Jensen smiled at him that he was in so much trouble.
By the time the holidays got closer Jared was more certain that he wasn’t as straight as he’d always sworn he was but that Jensen was he worked damn hard to laugh off any comments aimed by cast, crew or even casual friends about them.
It got harder the weekend that Welling and Rosenbaum showed up for a visit and Jensen got a few too many beers in him or more than Jared had ever seen him drink before so that his tongue was looser than usual as well.
“Ackles! Now it all makes sense,” Michael Rosenbaum was saying as he straddled a chair in the kitchen.
“What makes sense?” Jensen asked, batting a hand away from the pile of chips in front of him since somehow he’d been talked into playing poker with his two former co-stars and he’d roped Jared into the game just because he wanted to.
“Why you chose to leave our show to go to your little rinky dinky ghost and monster hunting one that will never outlast Smallville,” Mike replied as he squinted at his cards and then glanced over at Tom who was clearly fighting his own smile as they both shot looks toward Jared. “You never said the kid you were co-starring with was a Greek God in the making or that he was this hot.”
Jared had just taken a sip of beer when he nearly choked at the comment while his eyes went to saucers; coughing as Jensen hit him on the back a few times.
“Yeah, I did say Jared was hot and stop ogling him before you out your damn self, jackass,” Jensen growled in a tone that was pure Dean in protective mode. “Besides, I didn’t leave Smallville just cause my co-star is ridiculously hot. It was a better deal…and yeah, our show will outlast your puny Superman before he was Superman show…dick.”
Struggling to control the blush that wanted to spread over his face at how the conversation had veered, Jared started to excuse himself before anything more could be said that might embarrass Jensen or shock Jared since the last thing he expected to come out of the guy who plays a young Lex Luthor was what came next.
“So you have zero interest in kissing or fucking your TV little brother, Ackles?” Mike smirked while eyeing Jared a bit more carefully. He started to open his mouth with a smirk when suddenly he was yanked halfway across the table with Jensen’s fist wrapped in his shirt.
“Right now I have a definite interest in putting my fist through your smug face and if you don’t leave him alone or you hit on him then Lex Luthor is going to be sporting one helluva busted up face when you show back up on set,” Jensen snarled, no trace of the half buzzed friendly man that had just been sitting there left.
Jared was stunned at the change and the reaction to what he thought was some harmless drunk teasing until he watched Tom literally have to wedge himself between the two men to break them up.
“Jensen, let Mike go. He’s harmless since it’s pretty clear you’ve staked a claim whether you realize it or the kid realizes it yet or not,” Tom grunted as he finally got Mike and Jensen apart with a blown out breath of frustration.
“Staked a claim on what?” Jared asked before he could think, frowning when three sets of eyes looked at him. “On me? Who? Jensen?” he frowned more when none of the other men spoke but suddenly Jared felt hot and he swore his shirt collar was starting to strangle him. “No way! Jensen’s straight, dude.”
“Yeah, as straight as half of Hollywood is,” Mike snorted, yelling when a fist landed in his shoulder while Tom rammed an elbow into his gut when he suddenly was torn between laughing and snorting while shooting his former Smallville co-star a look of shock. “You live with him and he thinks you’re…”
The moment Jensen’s eyes went to hot slits and he straightened to his full height was when Tom decided it had gotten late and they needed to go.
Jensen fought back the urge to slam the door on his still laughing friends. “I’m past buzzed and Rosenbaum was drunk so just forget everything those losers said, Jared,” he declared while turning to find Jared standing in the door to the living room…under the ball of mistletoe that Jared had hung because he said it was a tradition in his mother’s house to always hang one.
“Why’d you get angry with what he said then?” Jared asked quietly, noticing the way Jensen’s eyes drifted up so he looked up to frown at the mistletoe. “Ummm.”
“Y’know, my Mom has a couple traditions she taught her kids too,” Jensen began quietly, blaming the amount of liquor and his temper at the damn ideas that were suddenly kicking around in his head and for what he suddenly wanted to do. “You have about five seconds to move before I show you what one of those is.”
Jared’s heart was in his throat but he stayed still, not really believing that anything would happen. He believed that until the second Jensen took two steps that put him directly in front of Jared and long fingers reached up to lightly push back the hair that had fallen into wide eyes.
A look showed the younger actor that while he smelled beer Jensen didn’t look drunk or drunk enough to not know what he was doing when those fingers slid around to the back of his neck.
“Mistletoe in my house meant kisses,” Jensen murmured while pausing as if debating this action and suddenly his lips were on Jared’s in a kiss that wasn’t soft but wasn’t hard or demanding either. It was just enough heat to sear Jared’s shocked brain out of his stupor as it clicked that he was being kissed.
In the short time the kiss lasted all Jared’s stunned thoughts could process was that he was being kissed by a guy, a really hot guy that happened to be his co-star. His really hot straight co-star was kissing him in a way that screamed that this was not Jensen’s first time kissing a guy because drunk or not there was no awkwardness in this kiss, just low burning heat that suddenly had Jared wanting more but was at a loss to how to get it.
“Jen…” he whispered into the kiss and knew he’d screwed up the moment he felt Jensen tense then swear under his breath as he jerked away from Jared like he’d been burned. “Jensen, wait…I…”
“Go to bed, Jay,” Jensen’s voice was deep, raw and he refused to look Jared in the eye as he turned to go to the kitchen. “Just…I’m sorry. Too much beer and too many assholes; that never should’ve happened. I’m sorry and I hope…I hope you know that it was the liquor talking.”
As Jensen disappeared into the kitchen, Jared slumped back against the wall to frown and also to try to hide both his hurt and disappointment that it had been the beer and emotion talking; that it hadn’t been as real for Jensen as it had been for him because Jared didn’t regret the small kiss in the slightest.
The next day was tense and awkward for them both since Jensen woke up with a headache and was growling at people on set and Jared wasn’t sure what to say or do to either try to reassure Jensen that he got it that he wasn’t interested in him or to sweep it under the rug.
It took a few days and a stern lecture by Eric Kripke to get back on the same page before things slowly began to get back to normal.
They filmed their scenes, hung out together again and soon Jared was just happy that he had his best friend back; the friend that would play X-Box with him in his trailer and tease him about his love of candy. It was only when Jared was alone that he would think of the feel of Jensen’s lips on his and wondered what they’d feel like if his friend had really wanted to kiss him or if Jensen would ever look at him like Jared was looking at him more and more.
It was shortly before the break for the holidays that everything Jared thought he knew about himself and about Jensen was tossed into the air.
They’d gone out to a local bar in Vancouver with some of the cast and crew. It was just supposed to be a casual thing. They’d played pool, shot darts, drank a few beers since Clif was driving them home and then taking Jensen to the airport for his flight home to Texas, which was a few days ahead of when Jared was due to head out.
Everything was going along great until he happened to look around for Jensen when he realized he hadn’t seen his friend in a good long time since Jared had gotten into a game of pool with one of their camera guys.
“Hey, have you seen Jensen?” he asked as he moved through crowd and was told people had spotted his co-star going outside with someone he seemed to have known.
Jared normally wouldn’t have pried or considered checking up on Jensen but since his friend had been getting some really weird mail lately from fans he was worried so he pushed out the door to look both ways before taking a step and feeling like he’d been punched in the gut.
Of all the things Jared’s mind could’ve conjured to see when he stuck his head around the corner of the bar to peer into an alley, finding Jensen…his Jensen, his totally straight and uninterested in him Jensen, locking lips with some dark haired guy about his height and build was not it.
Jared honestly didn’t recall much of what happened after that. He was pretty sure his eyes bugged out and he thought he might’ve made some noise because something happened to cause Jensen’s head up, their eyes locking for one heart stopping moment and that was all Jared remembered.
He didn’t recall how he made it home because he knew it hadn’t been by Clif because he’d bolted even as Jensen was shouting his name but right then the hurt and shock was too huge. All Jared wanted was to be alone, to try to work his brain around what he’d seen and why the hell he felt so hurt and betrayed when what Jensen did in his private life, outside of the show, and outside their friendship was none of Jared’s business.
Jared knew what time Jensen’s flight was due to leave. He thought he’d hit a few other bars that night before he finally took a cab home once he was certain he’d miss Jensen. Jared hated to not see his friend but he was still too confused to be able to see Jensen much less talk to him when there wasn’t anything to talk about he guessed.
He was mentally cussing his own stupidity and dreams as he went to put his key in the lock only to stumble forward when the front door was suddenly yanked open and he was jerked into the house by strong hands gripping his arms.
“Where the hell have you been all goddamn night?”
The sudden deep exasperated voice had Jared’s heavy eyes snapping open to find searing green ones staring at him as Jensen gave the door a slam with his foot. “Huh?”
“Clif and I looked half the night for you and then he still looked after he brought me back here in hopes that you’d come back home. Where the hell were you, Jared?” Jensen’s tone was mixed with anger and worry as well as exhaustion since he hadn’t slept all night as he paced the house waiting for either the door to open or a phone call from someone.
“You…you missed your flight,” Jared’s brain wasn’t functioning at all then. He hadn’t allowed himself to think that Jensen would still be here so now that he was confronted by his pissed off co-star and Jensen actually looked and sounded concerned as well as pissed off he wasn’t sure what to say or do. “You were due to fly out this morning.”
Jensen stared at him before frowning slightly but did slowly relax his grip. “Did you stay gone to avoid seeing me, Jay?” he asked quietly, good at hiding his emotions after years of acting so the sudden hurt at that didn’t show. “I rescheduled my flight because I was freaked out about you taking off like you did. Damn it, Jared. You didn’t have to run like that and we need to talk about some stuff.”
“No, no we don’t need to talk about anything,” Jared wasn’t ready to talk to Jensen about what he’d seen or anything that went with it. “I need to take a shower and fall into bed and you need to be on a flight home so your Mom doesn’t call and yell at us like she did the last time you missed your flight,” he went to move only to frown when he was shoved back against the wall. “Jensen…”
“If something upset you enough that you’d run from me and stay out all night then we need to talk about it and I’ll cancel my whole goddamn trip home if that’s what it takes,” Jensen shot back tightly, emotions high but he still struggled for control so he didn’t make this much worse than it already was.
The last damn thing Jensen had been expecting last night was a former friend from his days in LA to be in Vancouver on a layover and see him. He also wasn’t expecting the guy to get all hands on when he asked to speak to him in the alley outside the bar but since Jensen wasn’t sure how the conversation might go and he didn’t want to make a scene he’d agreed.
He’d been taken off guard when Brett kissed him and had just been getting over the shock to shove him away when he heard a sound and looked into the shocked and hurt eyes of someone that Jensen had been fighting for well over a year to keep from revealing his one huge secret to because it would have been all too easy for him to fall in love with his co-star if he wasn’t careful.
The kiss under the mistletoe hadn’t been a drunken mistake despite what he’d tried to tell both himself and Jared but it had made Jensen more aware than ever that he had to make damn certain to keep away from his friend if he didn’t want to risk blowing what they had.
Jared was a typical Texas boy in Jensen’s mind which meant he was straight as hell and while Jensen hadn’t been fully straight since his soap opera days he wasn’t about to confuse Jared any more than Rosenbaum and Welling had the other night.
The kiss had been spur of the moment and Jensen hadn’t allowed himself to consider or ask how Jared had felt about it. He’d just ignored it or tried to ignore it but it was hard when his roommate and friend was as physical as Jared tended to be and the urge to test out a theory was getting harder to ignore; especially right then considering he had Jared pinned back against the wall in the hall and soft plush looking lips were a little too close for comfort.
Jensen stepped back hesitantly but knew if he didn’t they’d have a repeat of the other night and right then it was important for Jensen to try to get them back on a level playing field. “Dude, what you saw last night…”
“Look, it’s none of my business what you do or who you do it with,” Jared didn’t want to have this conversation. He didn’t want to let it show how hurt it was that Jensen hadn’t wanted to talk about the kiss between them but did want to talk about what he’d stumbled onto last night. “I get it…okay I don’t get it but either way…it’s cool.”
“It’s cool?” Jensen’s eyebrow lifted curiously because something in Jared’s tone as well as the way he suddenly wouldn’t look at him or how he was chewing his lip said it wasn’t. “It’s cool that you think you saw me kissing some dude?”
“I know what I saw but what’s cool is I get it that maybe you’re not as straight as I thought you were but that there’s still something wrong with me that you didn’t like it the other night when you kissed me or maybe it’s just me in general that’s not good enough to kiss and…shit!” Jared realized with some horror that he was rambling and managed to push a stunned Jensen back a step so he could start for the steps. “Look, I’m sorry. I swear that whatever this is…or was or whatever the hell is wrong with me I’ll have it fixed or I’ll never bring it up when you get back after New Year’s or…something. I…my brother was right and maybe it is a crush but I fully accept that I am so not your type…if you had a type of guy that…oh God!” he groaned and bolted up the steps to his room to shut and lock the door with a muffled ‘Merry Christmas and Happy New Year’ shouted back.
“Huh,” Jensen leaned against the doorway in stunned silence. Of all the things he expected to come out of Jared’s mouth none of that was even close. Hearing his friend be more upset that he might not be good enough to be kissed or something instead of the anger or shock that Jensen might be into guys a little shocked him; it also left him feeling a little unsure to what to do. “Damn it,” he groaned, hitting his head off the door as it hit him how sad and unsure Jared had seemed after the kiss the other night and realized he’d hurt Jared more by refusing to acknowledge the act than the actual kiss itself had.
The older actor wanted to try to straighten this out right then but he knew Jared was too emotional and tired and probably a little drunk to talk too seriously and he did have a flight to catch; actually they both had flights to catch as he saw the text from Clif reminding him of that fact.
Jensen doubted if Jared would come out of his room before he had to leave since he did know if he didn’t show up in Texas that Donna Ackles would be on the phone or in Canada. He made sure there was coffee as well as food fixed and left a note next to the coffee pot for Jared to see.
“‘Jay, I have to go but I will get this fixed with you before we start shooting again. I think we need to talk because I think we’ve both been thinking stuff that isn’t true about the other and…my hope to protect you or keep something from you might have done more damage. This isn’t something I can explain in a brief note so I hope if I call or text you’ll pick up because hurting you or making you think that you’re not good enough to kiss is so not the case, dude. Have a safe trip home and…I’ll see or talk to you soon. Jensen.’”
Jared had read the note when he finally stumbled down to the kitchen several hours later to find the house empty and unusually cold. He hoped that wasn’t a sign of things to come as he barely had time to stuff some clothes in a bag before Clif was blowing the horn.
He took the accepted lecture from their bodyguard silently and only cringed when the man told him how worried and upset Jensen had been over him.
Jared promised to talk with Jensen over the break and then promised never to disappear all night again when Clif stuck him on the phone with his and Jensen’s gruff speaking TV Dad who had found out somehow what he’d done.
“You and Jensen are more than best friends, kiddo. Whatever this is about, you’ll be able to smooth it over if you just give Jensen a chance to talk to you about it and listen to him, Jared,” Jeffrey Dean Morgan said from the phone while Jared was waiting for his flight. “I’m due back in Vancouver to audition for a role after the break sometime so this better be sorted out or I’m banging both your damn stubborn heads together. I swear if I have to call Samantha you two will not be happy.”
Jared totally agreed with that and promised that he and Jensen would be fine, that it was just a rare issue between them and as he traveled home he hoped it would be that simple.
Back home for Christmas, Jared tried to be happy. He tried to not let on how worried he was that he might’ve lost one the best friendships he’d ever had in his life but it was hard when his brother kept teasing him and his little sister kept asking questions about what it was like to film with Jensen and such.
“Do you plan to talk to me or your Dad about what’s bothering you or just brood about it?” his mother asked one morning when she found her middle child staring into a cup of coffee with his phone in his hand. “Did you and Jensen fight or is it something else?”
“No, we didn’t fight,” he mumbled and then looked up. “What makes you think Jensen and I had a fight?” he asked.
“Because Donna said Jensen was moody and snappish too since he got home so it makes sense if you’re both moody and brooding that you had a fight or something happened,” she replied with a mother’s smile. “What? You think we don’t keep in touch? How else do mother’s stay sane without other mother’s to talk to when their sons are being hardheaded about something?”
Learning that his Mom had been talking to Jensen’s Mom didn’t surprise Jared but he wasn’t certain what to say until he finally just spilled the whole story and then waited to see what her response would be.
“I think you need to talk to Jensen and see how he really feels,” Shelly replied while rolling out dough for her cookies. “You know your father and I will accept any choice you make so long as it’s something that makes you happy but it sounds like both of you boys have been too quick to judge the other on what you might or might not be.”
“Mom, I just told you that I think I might be in love with my co-star,” Jared wasn’t sure how to react to this one as he’d been expecting a bit more shock from his mother.
“Jared, your brother might have been teasing you about having a crush on Jensen but I’m your mother and I could tell just by the way you are around him or how you look at him that you’re in love with him,” she told him while smacking his hand away from an already iced cookie. “Now I think you need to find out how he feels so you’ll know for sure what to do.”
That advice made sense but it scared Jared to think of trying to broach that topic with his friend. Right then he was willing to make himself ignore the building feelings and hurt from before if it could mean still being friends. He decided to talk to Jensen right before they were supposed to go back to filming because their relationship off screen directly affected the one they showed on screen and Jared would do nothing to damage Sam and Dean.
He survived Christmas but only barely. He managed to get out of the blind date his well-meaning aunt had set up by claiming he’d been invited to a New Year’s Eve party at a friend’s house because the last thing Jared wanted was to sit through a party with some girl he didn’t know and then get stuck with the expected New Year’s Eve kiss. There was only one person he seriously wanted to kiss and had to face learning how to ignore that desire.
He had been invited to a New Year’s party in LA by Eric Kripke and since it was for the show and he knew some of the crew might be there as well as network people Jared decided to pack early, go to LA and then make an early return to Vancouver after New Year’s Day.
The party was being held in some swanky LA hotel so Jared had booked a room there to save time and so he didn’t have to try to drive in case he did drink, which he rarely did at parties but since he still wasn’t feeling his usual happy self he wasn’t taking any chances.
Several of the network and crew attended the party so Jared was able to distract himself for a few hours. He subtly avoided the usual question of where his other half was by just smiling and saying Jensen was with his family.
There were a couple female guests that were a little too forward and while Jared’s home grown Texas manners prevented him from being rude he was, by the time it was almost midnight, getting tired of being groped and leered at by more than just a few women.
He’d been at the bar drinking a sparkling water since he’d never developed a taste for champagne and the wine was giving him a headache when he gritted his teeth as a large hand was dropped on his knee.
“I noticed you’ve been by yourself all night and shrugging off those pretty little girls that have been throwing themselves at you,” the voice was deep, masculine and very definitely drunk; all three turned Jared off. “I happen to have a room upstairs where we can bring in the New Year in our own way, hotstuff.”
The one thing that had always bothered Jared about the career he’d chosen was the unwanted advances, especially by those higher up and those who expected him to welcome the come-ons and advances. He’d learned early on how to handle himself when confronted by that type of thing but his alarm bells were telling him that this guy wasn’t going to be put off easily and the last thing he wanted was to cause a scene that might hurt the show.
He was about to fake a smile and refuse when the guy’s hand slide a little higher up his thigh and made a move toward his crotch when suddenly before Jared could react the offending hand was jerked away from him and the man himself was pushed off the stool when a very familiar body stepped between them and a very welcome voice was heard growling in pure Dean Winchester tone.
“Back the hell off,” Jensen Ackles had debated with himself for days about coming to the party in LA. It hadn’t been until his mother helpfully informed him that Jared had decided to attend that he’d tossed his clothes in his luggage and went to LA.
Jensen had talked to his parents about what had been happening and since they’d known for years that he wasn’t quite straight so it didn’t shock them to learn that he had feelings for his handsome, big eyed co-star. It had surprised them that Jensen hadn’t noticed before how Jared appeared to look at him and his mother suggested with a slap to the head that he’d better get his head out of his ass and talk to that sweet boy.
Arriving late hadn’t been planned but between plane delays and then traffic Jensen was just glad he arrived before midnight hit. He stepped into the crowded ballroom to see people he knew, some he didn’t but there was just one person he was seriously looking for and he felt something spark inside him the second he located Jared and saw the expression on his face.
Jared wasn’t as good at hiding his emotions or feelings as Jensen was but he was better than he was currently portraying so that sent up a signal. The moment Jensen caught the weary disgust and dislike over the guy sitting next to him turn to a quick flash of fear then Jensen was across the room in time to see where the big hand was heading and grabbed it.
The moment he spoke he felt Jared relax somewhat but his focus was on the drunk in front of him; the drunk guy with too quick of hands and an attitude.
“Back off,” Jensen repeated in a much different tone while locking eyes with the man as if in silent warning.
The guy looked like he might argue but something in the hard green eyes glaring at him said this one might not be worth the trouble so with a grumble and a glare he grabbed his drink and went to find easier fun.
“Thanks,” Jared murmured once he found his voice, reaching to take a drink of water to wet his mouth only to see his hand was shaking.
“C’mon, let’s get some air or something,” Jensen had caught the shaking hand and wanted Jared out of the crowded room. “He do anything that requires me bloodying his face or was he just starting?” he asked while tossing a wave to their producer as he led Jared into a smaller ballroom and outside to a small balcony that was currently empty.
“Nah, just starting but…” Jared was good at deflecting drunks and come-ons but he wasn’t so good with their sudden touches. “He creeped me out from the start,” he admitted, sitting down slowly to take a slow breath before looking up and wondering if he’d ever stop being affected by Jensen as he saw the trimmed cut well-fitting slacks, crisp white shirt that was open at the throat and a tie that could be seen stuffed in a pocket. “Umm, Eric wasn’t sure if you were going to make it or not. Kinda glad you did.”
“Yeah, I’m kind of glad I did too,” Jensen returned, starting to pull another chair over to sit in when he changed his mind and gave a gentle nudge to Jared’s shoulder as he sat beside him on the chaise like chair. “Are you okay Jared?” he asked.
Jared wondered if Jensen was asking about the drunk or how they’d left things so he wasn’t sure how to respond for a second. Then he took another deep slow breath and just let what came out of his mouth come out. “Now that you’re here I am.”
There were so many things Jensen wanted to try to say but wasn’t sure where to start or how to start. He heard the countdown start and had a brief mental debate with himself until he glanced over to see Jared nervously chewing his bottom lip and groaned softly.
“I know we need to talk. I know I’ve confused you and probably hurt you but…” he paused while turning to lift a hand up to touch Jared’s face and saw the slight change in those big hazel eyes. “When that countdown hits zero I’m probably going to kiss you unless you can tell me right now you don’t want that until we’ve talked,” Jensen raised an eyebrow curiously. “What do you want, Jay?”
Torn between talking this out so they were both on the same page and being kissed by Jensen again, Jared blinked before going with his heart. “Kiss me?” he murmured softly, figuring he was probably blushing since despite a few experiments before and that one kiss up in Vancouver Jared really had no idea what he was doing but was determined to go with it.
“Gladly,” Jensen returned then moved his other hand up to gently curve his fingers around the back of Jared’s neck. He could tell his friend was nervous so he gave a small smile as they heard the numbers getting smaller. “Happy New Year, Jared,” he whispered the second the countdown to the new year reached zero and noise and lights began going off from within the ballroom and outside in the city but for Jensen the only thing he was focused on was the taste and touch of soft lips under his when he slowly, gently kissed Jared.
This time when he kissed him Jensen made sure to go slow, to allow Jared the time to experience the kiss for what it hopefully was and he also hoped enjoy it. He kept the heat out despite the sudden need to deepen it but he held still until after a heart stopping moment he felt Jared return the gesture slowly, hesitantly; an act that told Jensen he still might have a shot at fixing the mess he’d made in Canada.
It was a brief kiss but it seemed to last forever to Jared who found himself getting lost in the slow soft kiss; a kiss that was so much more intense than the other one had been but also more like what he thought a first kiss should be like…if he had ever wondered what a kiss with another guy would’ve been like.
When Jensen slowly pulled back enough to break the kiss Jared could still feel the touch of lips on his and taste Jensen almost but he was afraid to open his eyes to see if maybe his friend was disappointed by his return kiss or even worse it wasn’t any good at all or…
“You’re thinking too much, y’know that?” Jensen chuckled softly, warm breath blowing over Jared’s face as lips brushed over his cheek. “Look at me and tell me what you’re thinking, Jared,” he encouraged, suspecting what it was but needing to be sure before he did anything else.
“If that was good for you or if I…y’know…don’t know how to kiss you back good enough,” Jared mumbled but did finally lift his eyes up to see humor in Jensen’s eyes as well as something else; something he wasn’t quite sure how to define. “Jensen?”
“You kissed me back just fine, Jared,” Jensen thought that would be one thing on Jared’s mind as he’d felt his uncertainty during the kiss as well as a shyness that was pure Jared. “You not kissing right or not being good enough to kiss had nothing to do with anything up in Vancouver,” he began slowly, trying to go slow but figured out that wasn’t going to be easy when nervous fingers curled into the front of his shirt as the sounds of celebrating began to get louder and more distracting. “Come with me?”
Jared nodded, willing to follow Jensen anywhere right then but understanding why it would be better to find someplace more private to talk. “I…I have a room we can talk in…if that’s not too cliché?” he said, fingers gripping the ones that slid into his hand to pull him to his feet.
“Dude, we share a house and usually end up sharing a bathroom if we’re running lines in the morning so I think I can handle that,” Jensen laughed as he and Jared slipped out of the crowd and into the elevator to head for the floor that was also where Jensen had booked a room but he didn’t see the point in saying that just then.
Jared hoped he didn’t appear too nervous or unsure as he slid his keycard down to unlock the door, pushing it open so Jensen could enter first. “I think the room comes with champagne or stuff for ringing in the New Year if you want any,” he was saying while turning to close the door and slip out of the jacket he’d put on to look more presentable only to find his jacket being pulled from his fingers and his back bumping into the door as lips caught his in a slightly deeper kiss this time. “Or not,” he mumbled between kisses, forgetting his nerves and fears for the moment and just giving control over to Jensen.
“No, no drinking since I want to be sure I’m clear headed and that you’re clear headed for this,” Jensen replied after breaking the kiss that he gave into the urge to do. He knew Jared had been drinking a little but could tell he was more nervous and scared than drunk so he made himself slow down and take a few steps back. “Before I kiss you again…if you want me to that is, we seriously need to talk about a couple things like what you said back in Vancouver that day.”
“Can we just skip that and go back to kissing?” Jared wasn’t sure he wanted to talk if it might mean opening his mouth and screwing this up. “Okay, I know, I know. Talk first and…then…”
Jensen laughed and tugged him over to the sofa to sit down. “I love how one tracked minded you can be at times,” he felt more at ease since Jared wasn’t shutting him down and because Jared had kissed back which helped to relieve one of his worries. “So as you’ve probably noticed or figured out I am not as straight as I try to make out to be in public,” he began slowly, needing to handle this correctly since he had a hunch how Jared’s brain worked and wanting to make sure he understood things correctly. “I haven’t been since my time on Days.”
“So…what Tom and Mike were saying…” Jared was still surprised since he never would’ve thought anything else and he’d seen Jensen dating so this was a shock. “Wait, I’ve seen you on dates with girls so…”
“I said I’m not exactly straight, Jared. That doesn’t mean I don’t like women because I do but there are also times if I find an attractive guy who likes me and isn’t an asshole that I might go that direction too,” Jensen loved the way Jared’s face was so open as he worked that over in his mind. “I haven’t actually dated a man since my time on Dark Angel and he turned out to be an asshole…the very same asshole that caused you to run from me the other night and that’s another thing I want to talk to you about.
“Brett took me by surprise when he showed up that night because I hadn’t seen or spoken to him since we broke up…badly. I didn’t want a scene in the bar or with the crew so that’s why I went outside with him when he said he wanted to talk. I wasn’t expecting him to pull me into that alley or kiss me. You came out just as I was trying to push him away,” he said and saw the moment it began to click with his friend what he was saying. “You missed me laying his arrogant ass out after he tried to grab me when I went to run after you. He kissed me, Jay. Not the other way around.”
Jared blinked and thought back to what he’d actually seen that night now that he was calmer and realized that he’d jumped to the wrong conclusion and also how stupid he’d been in that he’d left Jensen in a possibly dangerous situation.
“I…I…” he tried to think of what he wanted to say while not sounding as stupid as he felt. “I was still…kind of hurt from the other night when you’d kissed me but then acted like it was nothing. I wasn’t sure if it was something about me or something else that made you not want to kiss me so when I went out and saw him…” Jared suddenly thought of how the guy’s hand had been on Jensen’s arm and neck. “Wait. Did …did he hurt you? Did…damn it! He could’ve hurt you and I was so stupidly jealous and hurt that I left you without even…”
“Jay, stop and breathe,” Jensen reached out to catch Jared’s hands to keep him on the sofa when he got agitated at what he thought might’ve happened. “Brett’s an ass and a heavy handed one at that but it shocked him when I punched him because I’m not the same guy I was when I dated him. He took off in a huff right after that and…when he got a look at Clif who was ranting about you running off. Jealous?” he suddenly said. “Jealous of him?”
“Jealous of anyone that you would want to kiss actually,” Jared admitted while calming back down and slowly realizing they were actually talking about this. “I thought there might be something wrong with me or…I don’t know…I wasn’t good enough or…”
Jensen’s hands slipped up to cradle Jared’s face between his palms. “You not being good enough to kiss had nothing to do with my reaction or why I tried to blow it off,” he told him softly, thumbs gently brushing over Jared’s cheeks. “I wasn’t sure how you’d react if you knew I wasn’t straight or…if you found out how hard it was sometimes for me not to kiss you. After I kissed you that night? The reason I was growling the next few days? Every time you got close to me I could remember that kiss and I wanted to kiss you again. I want to do a lot more than kiss you, Jared and that’s why right now I need to back off because if I don’t we might be testing just how straight you are.”
“Oh…umm…would now be a good time to tell you something?” Jared’s brain was melting from being this close to Jensen; learning that his friend might actually want him in a more than friendship way was finishing to melt it.
“Depends on what it is,” Jensen replied but nodded, telling himself he needed to back away and give Jared time to process this but unable to as Jared’s tongue slipped out to lick his lips and it took all of Jensen’s strength not to give in to the urge to catch that bottom lip between his teeth and suck on it.
“I’ve wanted you to kiss me or vice versa since season one and I don’t think I’d be against to doing…more if you don’t mind telling me how to do it,” Jared blushed at that admission, rushing along. “I mean, in high school a guy kissed me but it wasn’t as good as you did and then when I did House of Wax I got drunk one night and I think I fooled around with a guy or Paris said I did but…huh?” he blinked when a finger touched his lips.
“I really do not want to hear even hints of stuff you might’ve done while playing with Paris Hilton, Jay,” Jensen had known he never should’ve let Jared film that movie the moment he found out that girl was part of the cast. “As for me showing you or telling you what to do? Yeah, I think I can do that…when we’ve gotten to know one another more,” he smiled at the slight pout that earned him. “Jay, I didn’t say we were done for tonight. I just don’t want to take you all the way the first night that I’ve kissed you. What I hope to build here with you? I plan to take my time, let you adjust to me as more than your friend and co-star and one day when you’re comfortable with the thought then show you how to make love with me.”
Those images had rocked Jared’s brain the rest of the way out only to finally blink in confusion. “What…what are you saying?” he asked warily while struggling not to overthink too much.
“I love you, Jared,” Jensen hadn’t planned to say that this soon but he also didn’t think he could wait either. Now he just had to hope Jared was ready to hear those words from him. He was thinking of something light to say as a follow up when suddenly Jensen found his arms filled with his laughing co-star and he caught a glimpse of dimples as Jared smiled at him. “I take it that’s okay with you?”
“Yeah, since now I don’t feel so bad about loving you back since you said it first,” Jared smiled but still felt a little shy at what to do. “I know we have to careful on set and stuff but…when it’s just us?”
“In public, on set, etc, then yeah…we still have to keep acting like we’ve always been,” Jensen didn’t like it but he knew it had to be. “When we’re alone? All bets are off and all things are good,” he remarked with a smile that went straight to Jared’s heart. “So do you want to talk this out more, see what’s on TV, go back to the party or…fool around?”
Jared took a couple seconds before slowly lifting his eyes up. “Fool around sounds better than making nice with the execs. Doesn’t it?”
“Yeah, it definitely does,” Jensen agreed with a slow sexy smile that took Jared’s breath away before a slow hot kiss caught his mouth and the two actors brought in the New Year in a very special way.
TBC