Chapter Text
Yesterday
Was that a smile forming on his lips? As soon as I had seen it, it vanished, and he turned around and walked up the steps to the building. Maple leaves were dancing in the fresh afternoon air, painting the pathway in splotches of orange.
Now I was the one smiling. I closed the passenger-side door, got in the car and drove back to campus. On the way there, I recalled Levi's smile into memory, along with the thoughts I'd had on the first day I'd met him.
He knows your name. He gave you his pen.
And to that, I added:
He helped you. He inspired you. He leaned on you. He trusted you. He worried about you. He forgave you. And tomorrow morning, you are going to pick him up with a cup of steaming hot Jasmine tea in a sunshine-yellow Smart.
Wayyyyy back
One of my favorite memories with Armin was during the summer of 2014, when our families went on a joint vacation to Italy. We stayed in Cannobio, a small Italian town in the Northern part of the country, looking over the magnificent Lago Maggiore which stretched deep into the green, lush valley surrounding us. Cannobio had a lively waterfront, illuminated by the golden rays of sunlight that danced high over the mountains and into our minds.
Since our vacation home was right at the lakefront, we were allowed to roam around on our own on the second to last day of our vacation - on the condition that we stayed near and gave updates to our parents every half hour or so. The water glistened like diamonds from the low afternoon sun, as waves kept crashing between the boats at the docks in a soothing rhythm.
Browsing through the promenade, we got ourselves the biggest gelato nella cialda we could find from an old Italian signore at an ice cream booth. Armin got fragola and panna cotta, whereas I went with limone. If every ice cream tasted like that rich, creamy delight right from the province of Verbano-Cusio-Ossola, I would crave it way more often than I did back at home.
Armin and I had climbed up on the small brick wall at the riverfront with our gelato , let our legs dangle in the air and watched the people passing by.
Countless cafés and restaurants stretched out over the generous esplanade , interrupted only by chestnut, plane and palm trees, as well as planters of colorful flowers and succulents. You know that jiggly feeling that you get when you're discovering every detail about a new, exciting place that's entirely different from everything you know? That is that I was feeling then.
I felt free, adventurous and high-spirited like anything could happen. It was in that moment of inexhaustible possibility that I saw him. He was a blonde boy with hazel eyes who stood with a group of friends nearby, laughing as one of the group kept poking him in the ribs. He was yelling something in Italian, which I assumed meant he was urging the other boy to stop. It painted a smile onto my face as I was entranced by this person and his radiant laugh. I was only brought back to reality by Armin nudging me with his elbow.
“I dare you to go over and introduce yourself,” he said.
Irritated, I turned to him. “W- What?”
“Come on, Eren. You've been staring at that boy for the better part of ten minutes. I'd have to be blind not to notice,” Armin grinned.
Had it been so obvious I'd been staring at him? And even if, I had no business going over there and interrupting those forgein group of boys. I was simply watching because they looked like they had fun. Right?
“Well then you're blind because I wasn't staring,” I hissed.
“Sure you weren't,” Armin said, “and I'm definitely not going over there.”
And just like that, he got up and walked directly towards the pretty boy and his friends.
“Armin?” I called after him. “Armin, come back!”
He did turn around mid-walking and simply stuck out his tongue at me. I was too perplexed to go after him, so I just continued to sit there, anxious of what was going to happen. Armin approached the group and it appeared he was introducing itself. They shared a laugh or two. Then he turned around, gesturing towards me, saying some more things. And before I knew it, Armin was towing the whole group behind him and they were collectively following him in my direction. My heart dropped and my breath spiked. What the hell did he tell them? I was so helpless I actually thought about running off. But before I could convince myself to do that, there he was, standing in front of me.
“Ciao Eren? Io sono Niccolo, nice to meet you.” He held out his hand and I shook it.
“Hi...” I stammered.
“This is my friend, Paolo, Luigi, è Marco quel bastardo .”
We greeted each other.
“Armin say you stay two more days?”
“Yes,” I replied with a small voice.
“ Solo così breve ! You want to swim with us tomorrow?”
“I, uh. Yeah! I'd love to.” I said and eyed Armin with a mix of surprise and gratitude. He looked back at me with a grin, all too content with himself.
We exchanged numbers with them and promised to meet up the next day. When we parted ways with them, I acted like I was angry with Armin for abandoning me and forcing me to meet that strange group of guys, but secretly he knew he'd done me a solid. And I knew it, too.
The next day flew by. We had a great time with the gang and spent almost the whole day at the beach, thanks to our parents who didn't oppose.
I was giddy with joy as Niccolo and I kept taking and laughing about the way I was pronouncing Italian, and the way he was pronouncing English words. His laugh was the best sound I had ever heard. Armin seemed to enjoy seeing us connect.
“Hey Eren, Niccolo, can you go get a drink for all of us? Me and Marco went last time!”
That was true. But I knew him better than not to assume we were plotting something. Did he want to get rid of Niccolo and me for some reason?
“ Si , Armin. Vuoi un po' di limonata ?”
“Lemonade's fine, thanks,” Armin smiled and Niccolo and I made our way to the Kiosk. I was nervous as I'd never been alone with him before. When we got there, the owner was on their break, indicated by a sign in the window that Niccolo pointed towards. Of course, I didn't understand the words but got what was going on from the context.
There was no one else around as we waited for the owner to get back. Niccolo leaned against the counter and eyed me from the side. His skin was a gorgeous bronze color - it was obvious he'd spent all summer outside. It was a nice contrast to his blonde hair that fell loosely into his face and was all wavy from swimming in the lake all day. Now that we were facing each other without interruptions, I could see that his hazel eyes were actually more of a mossy green. They were beautiful. I smiled.
“ Hai dei bellissimi occhi , Eren. Pretty eyes.” Niccolo smiled, too.
Oh? I blushed and my heart skipped a beat. Did he really just say that or was I imagining things?
Before I could return the compliment to the blonde boy with gentle green eyes, Niccolo leaned in and gave me the lightest of kisses on the lips.
In retrospect, I should have seen it coming, but I really didn't, not in that moment. I was so surprised I almost jumped.
The shallow kiss lasted for a mere couple of seconds, but the memory lasted forever. I remember the heat that day from the unforgiving sun, the sounds of the water, the smell of salt and the taste of peach lemonade. On top of that the unparalleled feeling of Niccolo's mouth on mine.
At 15 years old, it was my first time kissing a boy, or rather getting kissed by one. And if I'd had any doubt before if I was into guys or girls, that moment made it irrevocably clear. I understood something fundamental about myself that day in Cannobio , and I had Armin to thank for it.
When we returned with the drinks not much later, my face was deep red with blush. Armin gave me a knowing smile and somehow he knew it all, even though it took me two more weeks of building up the courage to tell him that I had, in fact, been kissed by Niccolo. That I realized I was gay. And he was by my side through it all, steady like the Italian alps.
Friday, October 16, 2020
It was 7:10am sharp when I rolled up in Armins Smart in front of Levi's apartment building. I hadn't gotten much sleep during the night, as my mind kept racing back to the day before and everything that went down. I had accidentally drugged my teacher. That thought still sounded so wrong I kept shaking my head in disbelief.
In a parallel universe, this was all just a bad dream. I would wake up any second, giggle at the silliness and then text Armin about it in great detail.
Yet, it had actually happened.
However fucked up this was, it had gotten me here, hadn't it? Here on the side of the road, waiting for Levi Ackerman to step out of his apartment and give him a ride to uni. So maybe it wasn't all that bad ?
Whatever kindness I had seen in Levi's eyes the afternoon before was gone the second he stepped out the door and walked towards the car. He looked like he'd stepped on 30 consecutive lego parts with bare feet on his way out of bed. When he reached the car, he yanked open the passenger-side door and slammed it shut post getting in.
“Morning,” I said to Levi, who didn't return the greeting and looked straight ahead, his scowl as grim as death.
“How are you feeling?” I asked.
“Less talk. More drive,” Levi grunted.
“Message received,” I said, pressing my lips together. “But first, tea.”
I grabbed the thermal mug of Jasmine I had brewed earlier and offered it to Levi. He gave me the side-eye. Reluctantly, he took it.
“It's Jasmine. It should still be hot,” I said, “so be careful not to burn yourself.”
“I know how tea works, brat.” Levi hissed.
“Right. Of course.” I started the car and just like that, we were on our way.
Similarly to the last time, we didn't speak at all during the ride. Since Levi had been in a foul mood, I respected the quiet and didn't attempt small talk. However, he did take little sips of the tea I had made him along the way, which made me disproportionately happy.
As soon as I'd parked on the university parking lot, Levi hurried to get out.
“Wait!” I urged.
“What, Jeager?” I thought we had ditched the last names?
“Petra wrote me a fairly long message in response to the call I made yesterday. You know, she thinks I'm actually your assistant. She wrote something about not being able to take any calls today, and was asking me to pass along some info and-”
“I wish there was a way you could avoid all this talking and simply forward me the message. Oh wait!” He made big, annoyed eyes.
“I would! But I don't have your number.”
That was true, however, I could just send him an email instead. So all this was was no more than a desperate attempt of getting his number. What did I even want his number for? I had no idea. Sometimes my mouth was faster than reasonable thought. In addition, I was sure he saw right through me, because he gave a look .
“Tch. Give me your phone,” he gnarled, and I hastily obliged. He saved his number to my contacts and handed it back to me.
“Forward me the message and anything else that you hear from Petra or Falco. Don't text me unless it's an emergency. Understood?”
“Yes,” I said and tried to suppress a smile, “Have a good-”
Levi got out of the car and slammed the door shut before I could finish my sentence.
“day...”
I looked after him as he walked off. He was wearing a dark grey vest over a blueish grey shirt, neatly tucked into some fairly tight pants. Damn. That was a nice ass. Shut it, Eren! Idol. Mentor. Teacher, remember?
Still, I couldn't avert my eyes from this man. He was so elegant, strutting towards the institute, carrying his black leather bag in his right hand and the thermal mug in the other.
Wait. He had taken the tea with him? Had he done this on purpose? If he did take it on purpose, it meant that he had to return it to me eventually.
As soon as hope flared up within me, I realized that I saw him next thursday anyway for class, and it was likely he'd just return it to me then. For some reason though, my stomach dropped at the realization that I wouldn't be able to see him for almost a whole week. This wasn't anything out of the ordinary, but all of a sudden it felt like an awfully long time. What changed? I brushed the thought aside.
Until then, life continued all the same.
*
Over the weekend, not much happened. After I returned Armins car, I forwarded Petra’s message to Levi. Later that day, Armin and I went out for some Ramen, and I updated him on everything that had happened since we last spoke at the party.
On saturday, I mainly did some work for uni, did some tidying and worked on my sculpture. I'd checked my cell a couple of times to see if Levi had replied to my message, but he hadn't.
Sunday, I caught Jean in our kitchen and sat him down to ask him not to tell anyone about Levi. He was surprisingly understanding and promised to keep it between us, I guess thanks to one of his lesser prevalent personality traits, loyalty.
After that, we collectively decided to watch „Cloudy with a chance of meatballs“, since Sasha insisted it was the best animated motion picture ever made. As we watched a crazy young scientist and his cute monkey assistant invent a machine that transforms water into food, we weren't surprised this was her favorite movie of all time.
But even though I managed to busy my mind during the weekend for the most part and had a great time with my friends, my thoughts kept circling back to Levi.
I kept imagining what it would be like if he was there with me. What kind of Ramen he'd order, if he even liked Ramen. If he'd be able to eat it graciously without spilling any soup, like I imagined he would. If he'd make an annoyed face at being forced to watch an animated children's movie with me and my roommates. If he'd sit in silence through it all but secretly enjoy it.
Long story short, I kinda missed him. Even though we'd just spent a couple hours with each other in total, I had enjoyed his company a lot and I kinda wanted more of it.
It sucked that I wasn't just able to ask him if he wanted to hang out with me. I had his number, but it didn't feel appropriate. On top of that, it was a miracle that he didn't seem to hate me after what I'd put him through, so I didn't want to give him any more reason to.
And lastly, maybe most importantly, my admiration for him as an artist and my professor was still tremendous. He was an important figure in my life, simply by inspiring and teaching me, and I didn't want to lose that by crossing a boundary following some urge of mine.
The next couple of days went by fast, and I was glad. I had a shit ton of work to do, and it felt like I didn't have much time to think about the whole Levi thing. As soon as Thursday rolled around, I felt increasingly nervous about seeing him again.
How would I react to seeing him? How would he react to seeing me? Would things feel different? Would things be different? Or would we go back to a regular teacher student dynamic? It would certainly make things easier.
*
Thursday, October 22
When Levi walked through the door, I gasped audibly. He looked completely different than usual. His hair was slicked back and smooth like polished onyx. He was dressed up, wearing a classic black suit with an open jacket that revealed an open-collared white shirt underneath, a snug fit. He looked so handsome I swallowed hard at the sight. What a man.
Being the professional that he was, he didn't look at me once at all during class, treating me like I was any other student.
Wasn't that precisely what I was, though? Just another student? So why did I feel mildly perturbed at not getting any attention? Calm yourself, Eren, it's better this way .
This way, at least, I wasn't left to wonder about the nature of our relationship after the brownie incident. That was a good thing, right?
Regardless of that stance, I decided to stay behind after class to talk to him. He still did have my thermal cup, after all. So, just like the week before, I waited until all other people had left the classroom before I approached Levi.
"You were staring again, Jeager," he said before I could make up my mind on how to start a conversation. I guess he caught me. There was no denying that now.
"Yeah, you look... different."
He looked at me in confusion, before seemingly remembering something.
"Oh, that. I'm invited to a gallery opening later today and won't have time to drive home and change," he offered as an explanation. Ah, so that's why he looked like the Snowwhite version of the Great Gatsby. Got it.
"Do you want something?" he asked. Yeah, you , I thought.
Wait, what?
"Uh... you still have my thermal cup? The one I gave you last friday morning when I gave you a ride?"
"Right, shit," he scratched his head, "sorry, kid, I don't have it with me."
We were back at 'kid' now, huh?
"Oh! That's okay. You can just bring it next week."
"Are you sure you don't need it back earlier?" No.
"Yes, it's fine."
Levi grabbed his bag and nodded to the door. "I gotta run. See you."
And with that, he hurried out, leaving me alone with my disappointment. I didn't know what I'd hoped would happen, but this wasn't it.
The rest of the week, I spent every free minute on finishing my postmodern tree. One reason was to get my mind off Levi as much as possible, another reason was that I was actually under a little bit of time pressure.
Earlier this month, I'd submitted the concept and some early stage photos to an art magazine which features three newcomer artists in every issue. Hoping I was going to get picked for the december issue, I set myself the goal to finish the sculpture by next week.
I worked tirelessly to completion. I didn't sleep much, got more and more irritated with every passing day, but remained focused and sought it through.
By Wednesday evening, I was exhausted, but I had finished. On my desk sat my first sculptural work, being everything I had imagined it to be and more. I was actually quite proud of myself. With a content smile on my face, I fell asleep early that evening, and woke late the morning after.
*
Thursday, October 29
I had gotten up on the wrong foot that day. Literally. Not noticing I must have slept in a way that cut off circulation to my right foot, got up only to fall over. Trying to grab hold of something, I gripped the corner of my desk, yaking it to the side, and along with it my sculpture, which trembled, then fell to the floor with a loud crash. A knot formed in my stomach as I looked over the damage, cursing at myself under my breath for being stupid. There was no time to fix this now, I had to get myself ready for a day of lectures. I put the sculpture and pieces that had broken loose back on the desk and hoped the worst of the day was over with. If only I knew.
On my way to classes, mum called. She wanted to know if I wanted her to order the same flowers for Zeke, since his death anniversary came up next month and every year, we went there the day before to celebrate the last day he'd been with us. I hadn't realized time ran so fast, this year would mark the twelvth time I would be forced to face the day that had changed my life. I told mum white Irises were fine, she said she was proud of me like she always did, we hung up. The sad reminder of the reason she called me, however, lingered.
As the day passed, my mood worsened. I got back a D on a paper I'd written for my art history class, way to fuck that up, Jaeger. Armin answered my texts to say he didn't have time to hang out later that day. So nothing to look forward to at the end of this endless mess that called itself Thursday.
With how things were going, I should have known better than to open my emails.
I was on my way to Levi's class when I saw it. The pop up notification showed it was an answer from the art magazine I had applied to. Looking back, I really shouldn't have clicked on it right before stepping in to Levi's class. When I did it anyway, it felt like a self-fulfilling prophecy. I'd gotten rejected.
From there, everything went blurry as I felt my eyes swelling up with tears.
Getting rejected itself wasn't so bad but I took it hard, having exhausted myself to finish my work all week long, only to have it break to pieces this morning. It seemed like I could do nothing right. It stung. But life goes on, so I swallowed hard and forced the tears, the exhaustion, the running on an empty gas tank back down. Just one more lecture to endure, then I could fall apart all I wanted.
My legs dragged me into Levi's class, heavy from the burden of my mishaps. I feared that I'd lose it if I so much as looked at him, so I kept my head down and tried to fight against all those toxic thoughts that were creeping in uninvited.
Levi's words were no more than a distant slur as I struggled to shift my focus to the lesson. I tried my best to oppose the downward spiral of self doubt going off in my brain like a chemical reaction.
After an agonizing ninety minutes, it became noticeable that the class had ended. Conversation around me picked up again and filled the room with cheery laughter, so surreal to my ears. After hearing it subside, I forced my limbs to pack away my own utensils and got up from the chair. I still wasn't brave enough to look up but felt Levi's cutting presence nearby. I'm not sure I was ready for the confrontation I was sure was about to happen, but bolting didn't seem like an option either.
"Eren?"
I finally dared to face him. Levi was standing right in front of me, looking back at me disconcerted. I could tell that he knew something was wrong.
Powerless to my emotions, I felt tears swelling up in my eyes again. They broke like waves hitting the shore.
"Shit," he said as tears silently streamed down my cheeks, hot and treacherous. I hated that this was happening right now. I didn't want him to see me like this, all fragile and overwhelmed.
In one swift motion, Levi pulled me into his arms and held me. Whatever had kept me together before was gone and I felt myself falling apart in his embrace.
"It's okay," Levi whispered, "let go."
At his words, the dam broke. My legs gave out and my crying became audible and messy. Even as I pulled my arms around Levi and clung onto him for dear life, he didn't let go.
In his arms, I felt protected, somehow trusting him to keep holding me until it didn't hurt anymore. However long we stayed like this, I couldn't say. Eventually though, along with the feeling of his hands drawing big, soothing circles on my back, I calmed down, relaxing to the sensation of being engulfed by his body heat and his scent.
"There. That's better," he said, still not loosening his grip.
"Wanna tell me what happened?" He asked against my ear.
All of a sudden, the intensity of his embrace became too much. With an effort, I peeled myself from his arms and brought some distance between the two of us. Wiping my face with my sleeve, I realized my tears had seeped through his shirt at the collarbone, leaving behind a wet stain.
"I- I'm sorry," I said in embarrassment, staring at the dark spot.
"Don't you dare apologize for having emotions." Levi squeezed my shoulders briefly. "Now. What happened?"
I took a deep breath and told him about everything that went wrong. How I had tirelessly worked on my sculpture, only to ruin with my clumsiness. How I'd gotten rejected from an art magazine that I really wanted to get featured in. About my mum and Zeke. About feeling like a failure and like I couldn't do one thing right. How this was just really not my day and I wanted to crawl into a hole and hide.
Levi listened attentively and didn't interrupt my verbal torrent until he was certain I was done.
"You know what's funny?” Levi said with a tenderness to his voice that I wasn’t familiar with. “When we think about the people we compare ourselves to, we don't think of them as failures, do we? They're making mistakes left and right, just like we do. And yet we choose to see the bigger picture. For example, how do you perceive me?"
"What do you mean?"
"If your friends asked who I was, how would you describe me?"
"I... would say you are an incredible artist with immeasurable talent. A fierce teacher who taught me more about art in a few months than I’ve ever known before. A great source of inspiration. The best mentor I could wish for, helping me become a better version of myself."
Levi raised an eyebrow, probably not expecting the extent of my praise, but his gaze settled light as a feather.
"And yet I feel like a failure every single day."
"You do?"
"Hell yeah!" He looked at me intently, "I feel like I've long surpassed the peak of my life and nothing I will do in the future will measure up to my success in the past. Sometimes I look back at what I've created and it doesn't even feel like it came from me. And to top it off, I'm not as sharp as I was in my twenties and that scares the shit out of me." I highly doubted the part about not being as sharp as he used to be, but refrained from commenting.
"But you know what?"
"What?"
"It's part of being human. What matters is how you deal with it."
I nodded, wanting for him to keep talking as I felt myself healing with every syllable.
"You can choose to surrender and let self-doubt cripple you. Or you can choose to say fuck it, I'm going to do it anyway."
"That would require one to have a fire, though. Like you."
"And you've got it, kid. I see it every time I look at you, even now."
My eyes went wide as I couldn't believe that's what he saw in me, even when I was at my lowest.
"Heck, I think that you have the most potential out of anyone here. Now, before you let that get into your head, that's not actually saying much. These kids are a bunch of annoying little shits who are more focused on their hormones than on their talent." Levi rolled his eyes and I chuckled ever so lightly.
"Point being: Don't give up on yourself because of one busted opportunity. Instead, channel that hurt and turn it into art. Do what you do best and prove them wrong. More importantly, prove yourself wrong."
"That's... that makes a lot of sense."
It did. It made me realize I didn't have to be a slave of my own thoughts. I had the power to transform them into something else, the power to give them a shape. All I needed to do was what I already did: create.
"Thank you, that helped. A lot."
"You're welcome," Levi smiled and grabbed his bag. "Walk with me?"
Side by side, we left the classroom and strutted along the hallway. As we reached the end, we nodded to each other for we would be heading in different directions. Just as I'd turned around to leave, I heard him call my name.
"Oi, Eren!"
I turned, looking at him inquisitively.
"Guess how many rejections I got before I landed my first feature?"
"I... I don't know."
"Guess."
"Ten?"
A small smile hushed over his face.
"One-hundred thirty-four."
