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She’d been disassociating for weeks now, not that she knew that’s what was going on.
Her grasp on reality felt disjointed, lacking. Nothing felt real, every akuma attack, every class she had, even simple things like sitting up on her balcony and watching the view. It was like her body would continue while her mind felt like a void, disconnected from reality, like she was watching her life through a window. Her grasp on Even Tikki and the rest of the Kwarmi’s couldn’t seem to burst the bubble she was stuck inside, trying everything from meditation techniques, to scare tactics, to tiny Kwami massagers and finally letting her know that it’ll probably just pass on its own.
She wanted it to stop and yet she also didn’t, knowing that if it stopped she might have to feel things properly, and that was just as daunting. Sometimes she wished she could just disappear for a little while, hide in the comfort of a soft cocoon of bed sheets until the weird, dreamy, disconnected feeling passed.
Her parents were convinced she was staying up way too late every night seeing new designs, blaming her groggy state to obsessive designing and forgetting to sleep. Her friends had noticed something was up weeks ago, and since the girls’ group akumatization they’d been more understanding that she just wasn’t quite feeling 100%. They’d observed her detached state, saying “you’ve been a bit out of it recently” and asking if there was anything they could do, but apart from saying she was just tired and would get some more sleep what else could any of them help with, especially when that was mainly the truth, she was tired, she was exhausted and she felt spaced out almost all the time.
The more she tried to focus on her surroundings, the less real it all felt, it was almost like she was in a simulation. Sometimes she tried to shake her head and blink her eyes harshly, trying to almost clear the fog that sat within them. It was like a bridge was connecting her senses to her brain, but the bridge was broken, so instead of everything passing over smoothly they had to jump the gap and that shook everything up when it finally got to the receiving end.
She can’t believe she’d been so stupid aswell. Stupid stupid stupid. For over a year now she’d kept her identity a secret, not telling anyone who she was, and then in one moment of weakness she went and told her best friend Alya.
Don’t get her wrong, she’s glad she told her, despite the anxiety it flared up for their safety, she did at least admit that her responsibilities did feel mildly lifted for the time being. At least now she’d have someone backing her up when she came up with her crazy excuses.
But the guilt that coursed through her, knowing her chaton should of been the first to know didn’t dampen as the days went by. She knew chat noir was worried about her, but she couldn’t let up just how much everything was affecting her. She was the guardian for crying out loud! She should be strong, able to withstand the pressures that came with the title, not collapsing under it.
She was thankful the painful feeling in her chest had now disappeared, a few weeks prior she was clutching onto every little piece of dignity she had left. Her chest had been so tight and heavy, and the desire to just sob and scream had been almost painful. She’d been desperately holding herself together, forbidding the tears and heartbreak to creep through the cracks.
But now she just felt disconnected, like she was simply a visitor, tagging along for the ride in her own body. She knew she couldn’t keep going like this, even though she wasn’t about to break down every five minutes, now it was like she felt everything through herself instead of as herself, and with that came the zoning out and staring into space too; which was exactly what she was doing right now.
“- nette. Marinette?”
“Hm what?” She shook herself out of her stupor, coming face to face with concerned green eyes.
“You zoned out for a while there, you okay?”
“Huh? Oh yeah, great.” She shook herself, breathing in deeply and looking back down at the biology textbook in front of her that the teacher had been going through with the class — something about the different theories of how life began on earth.
Adrien kept staring at her, turned round in his seat. “We’re partners.”
“W-what?” The way he said it sounded familiar, but her jet lagged brain didn’t have the energy to give it any thought, she simply stared at him confused.
“The assignment, the teacher paired us up.” He continued.
She was lost. “The what?”
She looked around noticing everyone had paired up, some were turned round in their seats, others had swapped. She looked to her left expecting to see Alya but instead Rose was there talking to Nino, who was also turned around in his seat.
Huh, when did that happen? she must have been really out of it to not notice everyone moving around.
“Oh right, the uh, assignment...” She nodded, trying to remember back to where they were in the lesson before she’d zoned out. “What is it?”
He proceeded to explain what they had to do, saying they had the next 20 minutes left of class to decide on a theory, how they were to put together a presentation and had to do the rest as homework to present in 2 weeks time.
“I was thinking we could do the primordial soup theory, I’ve always thought life coming from some kind of amino filled sludge is kind of cool.” He joked gently.
She nodded along, hearing his words but not quite processing them. It was like cotton wool was stuffed between her ears and brain, or perhaps a sheet of glass was separating her senses from her mind, it took her a while to run his words through her head before grasping the context of them.
She was happy with his suggestion. If she was honest she couldn’t remember any of the other theories, so this one was her best bet if she wanted to have any clue on what they were doing for the remainder of class. “That’s fine, I like that one too.”
He gave her a little smile, his eyes going soft for a few moments before saying, “you must have been zoned out for a while, you look really dazed,” he breathed out a little worried sigh, his eyebrows furrowing, “you sure you’re feeling okay?”
“Yeah. Great.” She plastered an empty smile on her face, willing her attention to focus on him while trying to shake the dream state feeling that kept surrounding her.
Despite being unconvinced, Adrien let the topic go. They figured out the rough structure for their presentation and planned to go back to his house the next day after school.
In the past this would of filled her with a mixture of excitement and fear, but now with everything going on it didn’t seem to faze her, maybe that was a blessing. She’d also noticed that recently she was able to actually string proper, coherent sentences together when they spoke as well, which she was grateful for. They had an assignment to work on together and she did not have the time or energy to be getting stressed over spending time with him and talking, on top of the hefty assignment that had been added to her list of things to do.
The next day they set up their presentation on Adrien’s multiple computer screen monitors, plonking themselves down in the comfy chairs at his desk, before diving into a bit of research.
Adrien had kept an eye on her all day, noticing she still wasn’t quite herself. He decided to say something after the 3rd time she had to pull herself from staring into space, re-reading the same small paragraph she’d been looking at for the past 15 minutes.
It didn’t matter how many times her eyes swept over the words they just weren’t coming together in her mind to form a sentence, even when they did piece together it was like their meaning was just out of reach. It was like reading a foreign language through fog.
“Hey Marinette, if you’re not feeling up to this we can take a break for a bit,” he coaxed, turning his body towards hers.
“No it’s fine,” she shook her head, taking her eyes off the paragraph and instead focusing on his desk top, “I think I’m just lacking sleep, I just feel a bit spacey that’s all.”
“Spacey?”
“Yeah, like...” she searched for the right words to describe it, “instead of actually seeing and experiencing things, it feels like I’m watching myself through my eyes and body. I’m sure when I get some sleep it’ll pass.”
He looked thoughtful for a few moments before saying, “does it kind of feel like you’re disconnected from reality? Like a dream almost?”
“Yeah actually, like it's a dream but I know it’s not.”
He pursed his lips, taking in her side profile. “That sounds like disassociation.”
“Disassociation?” She questioned, confused, meeting his eyes properly.
“Yeah. When my mum disappeared, I was really out of it for a while, like I was numb and experiencing everything second hand.”
She raised her eyebrows slightly, taken aback by the honesty in his tone, he rarely spoke about his mum and she knew he’d only brought it up properly with Nino once or twice.
“I did a bit of research, ‘cause there was no way my dad was going to allow me to speak to a therapist,” he expressed cynically with a slight eye roll, “ I managed to join one of those anonymous online counselling live chats. Turns out I was experiencing derealisation and depersonalisation, it’s a way the mind can sometimes cope due to intense stress or trauma.”
“Oh.” It sounded plausible, but there’s no way she could explain anything to him without giving away her secret that she moonlighted as one of the city’s superheroes. She might as well scream it from the rooftops and create a massive billboard with her face and name plastered over it if she lets herself tell every person who questions her current mental state.
She was still a little surprised at the vulnerability he was showing her as well, touched that after everything he’d gone through with losing his mother and his controlling father, his main concern was still her right now.
“Is there anything going on that’s making you stressed or...” he trailed off, concern dripping off every word.
She shook her head, willing the tears that had suddenly pricked her eyes not too fall. “It’s not important.” She dismissed with a tight smile.
He noticed her immediate distress, how her eyes became blood shot as she fought a sudden rush of tears. “You don’t have to tell me, but, if you need someone who will just listen then I’m all ears, or if I can do anything to help...” He looked at her with raw, dazzling eyes.
If she allowed herself the luxury she’d love to just get lost in those eyes and let them sweep her away into oblivion where everything was fine, responsibilities didn’t exist and there wasn’t some crazy, maniac supervillain after magical jewels or mystical beings whose powers could destroy the world.
God he was amazing. She quickly pushed away the thought, chastising herself bitterly. “No. Thank you, but this isn’t something I can really talk about.” She said tensely.
“Okay,” he nodded before his face scrunched up as a thought crossed his mind, “whatever it is, it’s not… hurting you is it? I mean, it’s not something that’s happening against your will, or someone -“
“No, no. Nothing like that.” She reassured him. “It’s just, I’ve got a lot going on I guess.”
His shoulders relaxed a little in relief and he was surprised at how naturally the desire to protect her reared up inside him.
“How long have you felt like that?”
She mulled it over for a few seconds. “On and off for a few weeks, but it’s been continuous for the past week now.”
He nodded, tilting his head as an idea came to mind. “I found listening to music with headphones helped, it didn’t get rid of it but it was kind of grounding. Or reading a book you’re really into, perhaps playing a video game or watching a favourite tv show — I found it comforting to kind of get lost in a different reality for a little while and actually feel like you can experience something first hand when it all got too much.”
“I’ll try that.” She answered with a smile, touched at his genuine concern for her.
He returned her smile, giving her hand that was resting on his desk a little squeeze before saving their assignment so far and standing up. “Come on let’s take a break, there’s a game of mecha strike just waiting for you to thrash me in.”
She giggled at his playful banter, following him to the sofa. If she hadn’t felt so out of it she might have swooned, especially when he hands her the second controller with a wink and cheeky smile. They flopped down onto the cushions, side by side as he flicked through the main screen and they chose their characters.
It’s safe to say they didn’t get any more of the assignment done that evening, but she did feel like they’d progressed a little in their friendship, which was more than she could have asked for. She also wiped the floor with him in 5 matches, narrowly losing in only 2 more. To top it off the weird disconnected grasp she’d felt with reality seemed to have eased for now and later that night she headed out to patrol with a much clearer head.
Chat was already there at their meeting spot when she arrived, sitting near the edge, legs stretched out and one foot folded on top of the other, reclined slightly with his weight resting against his hands. His cat ears pricking up when she lightly touched down on the rooftop. He looked over his shoulder at her, eyes following her every move as she walked towards him, plonking herself next to him, mimicking his position and leaning her weight against his side, head on his shoulder.
“Evening m’lady.” He greeted, amused at her actions.
“Hi kitty, how are you?” She asked.
“Better now you’re here.”
She chuckled a little at his sincere response, she loved how painfully honest yet matter of fact he always was with her.
She heaved a sigh, staring out across the twinkly city. They sat in companionable silence for a few minutes, neither one of them having any intention to start patrol just yet.
“Thanks for putting up with me recently.” She whispered.
“I’d hardly call working as a team, ‘putting up with you’.”
“You know what I mean, I’ve been closed off, distracted and pushing you out, that’s not fair to you. We’re partners, I shouldn’t do that.”
They stayed quiet for a minute as they mulled this fact over.
When chat finally opened his mouth to respond his voice was gentle and kind. “You don’t have to tell me everything that’s going on with you Bug, it’s impossible for me to know anyway with our identities still hidden. But as long as you’re happy, healthy, know that if you want to you can talk to me about anything and I will listen and share the load if I can, then I’m okay. I admit, it’s hard when you’re distant, but you have a lot on your plate at the moment. I know all the guardian stuff is taking its toll and it’s okay to feel overwhelmed by it, but you are so capable m’lady, you were chosen for a reason and you know if there’s anything you want or need from me I am ready and waiting.”
“Thanks chaton.” She couldn’t believe how lucky she was sometimes to have him as her partner. “Hey chat,” he hummed for her to continue, “have you ever heard of disassociation?” She asked, feeling the desire to open up to him about it.
He turned his head to look down at her, taken aback by the odd coincidence that it had come up twice in one day. “I have actually, why do you mention it?”
“A friend pointed it out to me recently, I think I’ve been experiencing it for a little while without realising.”
He mulled it over for a few seconds, nodding to himself. “I wouldn’t be surprised if the stress of becoming the guardian on top of anything else in your personal life has caused your mind to protect itself like that, as a way to cope.” He theorised, “Is that why you’ve been so distant and out of it lately?” He asked carefully.
She nodded, “I think so.”
“How are you feeling right now?” He questioned softly.
“Okay actually, I had a bit of down time earlier with a friend and that seemed to help. I feel like I’m experiencing everything properly right now at least.”
“I’m glad.” He smiled, relieved to hear she'd obviously been able to give herself a break from things for a little while. He nuzzled her hair, placing a soft kiss on the crown of her head. “We should probably start patrol soon.” He suggested, not showing any intention of actually getting up to do so.
“Soon, not yet.” She hummed, content to just sit there a little longer with him.
They sat back, taking in the sights and sounds of their surroundings, she spent the next few minutes rejoicing in the fact that she was actually experiencing her environment without it feeling distorted for the first time in days; the lights were bright and clear, the sounds were crisp and tangible, not locked away in a bubble, even her breathing felt like her own again. She was relieved to feel present in her body as she leant against his, stable and warm through the leather.
This was the longest time they’d spent together in weeks and she was in no rush to end the peaceful atmosphere they’d created.
She still felt guilty about not telling him about the whole identity slip to her civilian best friend, but one step at a time. She knew no matter how understanding he’ll be he’d still feel disappointed that he wasn’t the first to be trusted with it, but she also knew she wasn’t quite ready yet to tear down that wall between them.
She just wanted one night where she could really take in the evening with her partner, and not have to worry about anything apart from keeping their giddy laughter to a minimum as the city slept below them while competing to see who could jump the furthest distance without a staff or yo-yo.
Turns out it was a draw, even though chat insists he won by a claws length.
His company did wonders and the run around with a clear head was just what she needed to tire herself out for a decent night's sleep for once, ready for a new day.