Chapter Text
At It Again?
Thanks to those utterly indispensable sources of mine, it looks like those “Bright Young People” spent most of their Saturday evening dressed up to the nines at one of their infamous costume parties.
The theme was “gender bending” and even the reportedly atrociously tempered Katriel “Karkat” Vantas (photograph on page 15) appeared in borrowed lipstick and a pretty hat spotted before on the head of Kanaya Maryam – who looked ravishing (or should that be “dashing”) in a pinstriped suit, which honestly flattered that boyish figure of hers more than half the dresses she’s been seen in.
“Though one does not like to blow one’s own trumpet, frankly Perkins has eyesight as dull as her wit.” Kanaya sniffed. She plucked defiantly at the fabric of her dress. “My dresses are all extremely flattering.”
“You did look damn good in that suit though, Darling.” Eridan told her, turning toward her with a languid roll of his head. He pulled his long, legs from the sofa, and draped them across a footstool, then invited her to sit beside him with little more than a pat of his hand.
She placed herself next to him, quite close, and he leant over the newspaper.
“Well come along then, I want to see if there’s anything about me.”
“Oh yes, I should hope so, with the amount of time we spent on that bloody outfit.”
“Language, please.” Equius sighed. He had barely looked up from his notepad in hours. He’d let several cups of tea go cold, and Nepeta had eaten all the cake Vriska’s kitchen girl had set down for him.
“Oh bugger off.” Eridan snapped. “Honestly, he’s the most dreadful prude.” He said, aiming his words quite directly at Nepeta. She gently shook her head. “I don’t know how you put up with him.”
“He’s the last person I’d call a prude, Eri.” Vriska called, bustling from the hall in her dressing gown (a very fine silk) in the full face makeup she’d sooner be caught dead without. “Have you read his poetry?” Equius glared at her. “It’s quite filthy, you know.”
“It is erotica not filth, there is a difference and -”
“Lovey, please.” Nepeta placed a calming hand on his forearm.
“It’s not erotica,” Karkat piped in, dropping his book, and sitting down by Feferi (who was half asleep). He’d been trying to read, but now the conversation was starting to pick up – though he’d never admit it.
“It’s filth. You make the Marquis De Sade look like a nine year old girl scribbling dirty stories in to the back of her diary.” He sniffed.
“How dare you-”
“There was a line in particular, from ‘The Rider Wore His Purple Cap’, I damn near swallowed my cigarette when I read it.”
Equius slammed his notebook down on the table, with such a force that Nepeta has to steady the ornate, and precariously balanced tea pot she’d been drinking from.
“That sonnet is a tour de force; I’ll have you know, an elegantly constructed-”
Karkat interrupted him with a laugh. “Ah, yes, I remember it now:how fleshly do my lovely’s insides feel, as I slip my love past the muscle, guarding his virtue like some ring of steel.” Vriska snorted, a cruel smile on her red, open mouth.
“It’s a poem about fucking a horse, Equius, no one’s going to be getting it confused Paradise Lost any time soon.” Karkat continued, he clapped a hand to his face and mimed the opening of a book with the other. “My god, surely this is one of the Canterbury tales, it’s so – oh no, never mind, it’s a sonnet on horse buggery.”
“The horse is a metaphor.” Equius said, through gritted teeth.
“A metaphor for what, exactly? Apart from your desire to bugger horses, of course. Frankly I don’t blame you for writing under you stupid pseudonym, because I hardly think your mother would be pleased if she knew what went on in little Lord Stephen Glenconner’s head.” Equius recoiled from the use of his real name, as if Karkat were spitting hot coals at him.
“Oh will you shut up!” Eridan snarled, with a petulant stamp of his foot. “Kanaya, carry on.” He elbowed the aforementioned, and she slapped his arm.
“I shall, don’t you worry.”
Kanaya cleared her throat: “Mrs Valentina “Vriska” Serket once again pushed the boundaries of decency, when it seemed she’d barely bothered to button her shirt – leaving parts of her under-things on display for a greater part of the-” when Vriska turned to the other, scandalised, Eridan interrupted Kanaya.
“Now that’s fair, you looked like you’d be happy to take the damn shirt off if someone paid you enough.” He sneered.
“Whatever that price should be, I know for a fact you couldn’t afford it, darling.” Said Vriska, with a tart smile.
“Please, Vris, I have a shilling in my pocket I could give you right now,”
“Was that a challenge?” Vriska’s smile split even wider, and she began to pull at the drawstring of her dressing gown. Karkat leapt from his seat, and grabbed her wrists.
“No it wasn’t!” He snapped. “Finish reading the damn article.”
Kanaya rolled her eyes. “Lord and Lady Glenconner, Mr and Mrs Nepeta (Nee Leijon) and Stephen Glenconner, made an appearance, Lady Glenconner drowning in her Husband’s cricket whites, though they did not stay long. Of course the show was stolen completely by Mr. Ervin FitzGeorge-Ampora (Heir to the Duchy of Cambridge), who goes by the nickname of Eridan-”
“Excellent!” Eridan then proceeded to give himself a small round of applause.
“Who came to the party in a magnificent dress, and succeeded in looking more feminine than Miss Teresa “Terezi” Pyrope shall ever hope to. There is certainly no confusion as to why that girl hasn’t married yet.” Kanaya lowered the paper with a frown. “Good heavens, that was rather harsh.” She looked apologetic as her eyes searched the room. “Where is Terezi?”
“She went home with the Lalonde twins.” Karkat said. Vriska’s ‘I’m so scandalised’ look was back, and the force of Kanaya’s apologetic one was being aimed, full force, at him. “Not like that, for Christ’s sake, she’s up at Cambridge today and so is David; it was for the sake of having a little fucking company while she travelled.”
“Do I detect a hint of jealousy there, Mr Vantas?” Said Nepeta with a small smile.
“No you fucking well don’t.”
“Don’t bite off her head, she was only joking.” Vriska commanded, with a sneer.
“Karkitten is welcome to bite off my head whenever he feels it appropriate – I know he’s just a big grumpy pussy cat.” Nepeta sighed with a flirtatious lilt to her voice. Equius rolled his eyes, and went back to his notebook.
“Carry on Kanaya.” Eridan urged.
“I’m just going to carry on reading the next time you interrupt.” Kanaya said, primly. “The Prime Minister’s daughter was, as usual, not on the arm of Mr Ampora, to whom she is supposedly betrothed, but on the arm of Solomon Captor II, who looked very out of place in an over the top gown, obviously borrowed from Mrs Aradia Scratch.” Kanaya dropped the paper into her lap with a loud huff. “She always has a dig at Aradia’s dresses, every bloody chance she gets. I bet Aradia dresses twice as well as Gertrude fucking Perkins.” She frowned, and picked the paper back up. “Any way, Captor and Miss Megido were spotted with each other later that evening, and appeared to leave the party together.” There was a collective cringe. “Sorry Feferi.”
“It’s fine, I’ve told him, and all of you in fact, on a number of occasions that we’re only seeing each other casually.” Feferi said, quite sharply. A number of glances were exchanged.
“I’ve never understood the attraction with Captor.” Karkat scoffed. “I mean… look at him.”
Eridan made a gagging motion and grimaced down at the paper. “It’s because he’s deep and oh so fucking complicated.”
“He’s also quite an impressive lover.” Feferi cut in. The room shared a groan. “What?” Feferi snorted. Karkat shook his head at her. “Oh as if you haven’t slept with him before Vantas, don’t give me that look.”
“I hardly slept with him. We were fourteen and our mothers had dragged us to his summer house for the whole of June, we had to find some way to entertain ourselves. You’d have done the same.” Karkat said, snippy and slightly defiant. “In fact, I don’t know why I’m defending myself. You have done the same, you continue to do the same.”
“Is there much left of that article?” Vriska asked.
“No, just a bit about Tavros and Gamzee not having bothered to put on dresses. And something about Gamzee trying to hit David Lalonde because he called him Baron Barke instead of Gamzee. Tavros tried to step in, but then David started calling Tavros Gustav, said that all of our little nicknames were silly, and Gamzee gave him a black eye.”
“That’s a complete fabrication, surely.” Equius sniffed.
“No,” Karkat shook his head again. “I’m afraid Perkins is quite correct.”
“Here’s the photograph, by the way. You do look quite lovely in this, Eridan.” Kanaya pulled the page from the newspaper, and set it on the coffee table in front of her.
“There’s a first time for everything.” Said Karkat, with a smirk.
Vriska, Feferi, Karkat and Nepeta came over to look, where Eridan simply leant in, Equius appeared uninterested. The photo was one that a paparazzo had taken, and did not feature the whole group. Karkat was falling onto Kanaya and grinning dumbly, Kanaya was holding Eridan’s hand, and Eridan smiling nastily at Sollux, who was sandwiched between Feferi and Tavros.
Vriska hit Kanaya on the arm. “You look just darling Kanaya, honestly, you should wear a suit more often.”
“Do you think?” She asked, softly.
“I really do.” Vriska said. “You could borrow one of my husband’s, if you’d like.”
“Where is your husband, anyway?” Asked Feferi, “Usually he’d have chased our bachelor friend out by now.” She said, gesturing to Karkat.
“Robert is in Newcastle this week. He’s… Roberting.” Vriska sighed heavily, and flopped from her kneeling position, onto the floor, with a looseness to her limbs that could only truly be achieved by a woman bored of her husband. “He is such a frightful windbag, I hope he leaves me. Or dies. Not that I’d wish him dead of course, I just wouldn’t be terribly upset if he did happen to have an untimely departure from this earth.” She grumbled.
“Please don’t murder Robert, Vriska.” Kanaya pleaded.
“I never said I was going to!” She sat up again. “I’ll have an affair.” She said, quite definitively. “I’ve always wanted to have an affair. Especially with an American. When I was a little girl, I’d often dream of marrying this sweet little English boy, but then having my heart stolen by a dark, handsome American. Like Rudolph Valentino.” She pouted, and dropped back to the floor again.
“Valentino is a European, you insufferable trollop.” Snapped Eridan. “Don’t you read the papers?”
“Only if I’m in them.”
Nepeta pursed her lips thoughtfully. “And can you imagine how silly your name would sound if you married him? Valentina Valentino? I suppose you could have your name changed to Vriska, but I hardly think that’s a proper name for a baroness. But then you wouldn’t be a baroness if you ran off with an American fellow.”
Vriska shot her a disdainful look. “I didn’t mean Valentino specifically, I just meant someone like him. And I don’t want to run off with him either, I just want to...” She paused, and licked her lips. “Is you delicious little friend John still engaged to that awful Lalonde creature?”
Karkat’s brow drew, and his mouth tightened. “Quite thoroughly, I’m afraid, he seems utterly determined to carry on being in love with her.”
“Ugh. How I despise the Nouveau Riche.” Spat Vriska. She then gave Karkat an innocent smile, and a bat of her eyelashes. “No offense intended, darling.”
*
Karkat and Kanaya left not too long after that, Kanaya managing to deliver a vitriolic monologue on the evils of Gertrude Perkins which lasted the entire cab ride. Her pretty, fine features did not suit rage, and Karkat found himself a little frightened by how drastically her face changed when contorted with hate. He was glad she was usually so calm, anger did not become her.
It was not that Karkat wanted to be so harsh about his friends (as with most people, he was generally quite opposed to the public defaming of his loved ones), but he really had no other choice.
What else was he supposed to do, go back to just writing the Tattler’s literary column? They paid him twice as much per word for the Society column, and all he had to do was get a little catty about his nearest and dearest, and “Gertrude Perkins” took all the blame. Really, it was a fabulous little scheme he had going. It’s not even like he had to put finger to key, all he had to do was slink away to a payphone, and dictate the article to some flunky in the publishing house.
In any case, it was certainly more favourable than asking his father for money. Karkat would rather hack off an ear than beg that man for cash again, especially not after he’d made such a fuss about his being independent.
Gertrude Perkins kept the wine flowing, his rooms paid for and his suits tailored – if anything, his friends should be grateful for his ever so slightly slanderous exploits, they’d hardly paid for a drink in his presence in months. Only if they found out, that is. He wouldn’t tell them – frankly, he’d rather drink a pint of water from the Thames.
He’d arranged to lunch with Jade Egbert that afternoon, and was quite annoyed when he’d heard David Lalonde had invited himself along as well. He seemed quite determined to stand in the way of Karkat’s plans to marry Jade, made even more irritating by the fact he was sure Lalonde had no intention of marrying her himself.
Marrying Jade would, at least, be very convenient. For a start, she was Jewish, which had made his mother feel they were a very smart match – and their marriage would no doubt solidify ties between their family’s businesses. And, aside from that, they did get along unusually well. She was essentially a very sweet girl and rather pretty, on top of that.
The greatest benefit, as far as Karkat was concerned, was the access it would give him to the Egbert sibling he actually had passionate yearning for. Really, all they needed to do was spend more time together. A little champagne and debauched sort of atmosphere could loosen the morals of any boy, regardless of conservative or all American they might be.
He got out of the Taxi before Kanaya, leaving her an estimate of half of the end fee, and walked a short distance to the Restaurant he and Jade had agreed to meet at. It was a clear day, very windy and too cold to be walking around without a coat, but right and without the smog that usually choked the city at this hour of the day.
It was a small, but expensive Italian restaurant, that served good fish and had the most wonderful stock of wines. Perhaps a tad excessive for lunch, but Karkat felt there was only really so much money he could save.
Jade was sat at a table alone, sipping a glass of wine and dressed much too casually for this restaurant in particular. Though, Karkat was in no position to judge her. He was, after all, rolling in in last night’s suit.
He put on his most charming smile, and pulled out a chair for himself. “Good afternoon, Miss Egbert, I trust the -”
“Oh dry up, Vantas.” She snapped, in that dreadful New York accent she’d picked up. Educated in England for the better part of her life, and a year back in the States was enough to wipe out years of elocution lessons, and corrupt her vocabulary with stupid American slang.
“Save all that Gentlemanly bull for my Father.”
“My sincerest apologies for trying to be a pleasant human being, for once, you incorrigible fucking harpy.”
“What’s the point in pretending? I have met you before, sweetheart.” She said with a smirk, wetting her finger and circling it around the rim of her glass. It sung, and Karkat glared at her.
“Don’t do that in here.” He said. She raised her hands defensively, and Karkat noticed she had a series of rubber bands tied to her fingers. He slumped down into his chair, and fished in his jacket for his pipe. “Where the bloody hell is Lalonde, are we not supposed to be competitively wooing you this afternoon, or some total fuckwallop to that effect.”
“I think he stood us up, so I guess that’s pretty damn great for you.”
“Goodness, what crawled up your backside and died?” He asked. Jade, with a glare, was about to answer, but her mouth closed and spread into a smile as the waiter appeared. Karkat located his pipe, had the waiter bring him a box of matches, and ordered a bottle of wine.
Jade sighed. “I’m sorry.” She said in a low voice, “I’m just in a bad mood. Daddy won’t ease up on the engagement thing.”
“Who does he want you to marry?” Karkat asked, Jade gave him a look.
“Who do you think, Vantas?”
Karkat buried himself with finding his tobacco, giving her a knowing smirk. “And you want to marry someone else. David? I assume.”
“I never wanted to marry Dave.” She said, the waiter arrived, and she thanked him for the wine, offering him her glass to be topped up. Karkat continued rooting around for the tobacco. “Geez Louise, your jacket is like a bottomless pit!” Jade remarked.
“I’m very aware of the fact,” Said Karkat as he fingered his keys, and his watch, but not his little tin of tobacco. “Why don’t you want to marry Lalonde?”
.
“That’s a hell of a question.” Jade said, sipped her wine, and sent the waiter off. “He’s swell and all; I just never wanted to marry the guy.”
“You damn well made it seem like you did!” Karkat snapped. He finally located his tobacco. With a satisfied “Aha!” he drew it from his pocket, and began to prepare his pipe.
“I was trying to get a rise out of you and Daddy, so sue me.” Jade sniggered.
“Who on earth do you want to marry, if it’s not me, and it’s not him?”
“Because you two are the only fellas I could possibly wanna marry.” She said, her lip curled. Karkat fussed with a match before Jade snatched the box and lit one for him. Before Karkat could take the match back, she popped the pipe in his mouth and lit it for him.
“Which fella is it, then? You’re not the only one whose fucking parents are trying to bully them into a marriage, you could at least tell me who I‘m competing with.” Karkat huffed. He promptly began to choke.
He wasn’t quite used to smoking it yet, but he really did suit it. Perhaps he should go back to cigarettes and just wear it decoratively.
“You’re the only person they’re trying to make me marry! There ain’t another fella, because there ain’t no fella at all. And there never will be.” Jade said, her voice very hushed. Karkat gave a single nod of understanding. “It’s not a problem I have with you Karkat, you’re a real catch, but I don’t really wanna get married. To anyone… You’re an open minded guy, you know what it’s like for girls… For girls like me, I guess.”
“If there’s no one else you want to marry, you might as well marry me. You know the circles I move in, Jade, I’m sure I could introduce you to plenty of likeminded women.”
“I don’t need to be introduced, there’s already someone I’m stuck on, and I don’t think she’s likeminded at all.” Jade said miserably. She had a large gulp of her wine.
“It’s not Kanaya, is it?” Karkat asked with a shrug. “Because I’ve got a pleasant surprise for you if it is.”
“Unfortunately, no, it’s not Kanaya.” Jade said. She pinched the bridge of her nose, and pulled her chair close to him, leaning in. An old couple in the corner pointed at them, and smiled warmly – as if the two actually were a pair of lovers sharing sweet nothings. “Nepeta. It’s Nepeta.” She muttered.
“… Really?” Karkat said, loudly enough to earn a sharp look of reprisal from Jade. He came close to her as well, and was careful not to blow smoke in her face. “I was always under the impression you and she didn’t get along.”
“Yeah, well… Since she got married and I started at the university, we’ve seen a lot of each other. I warmed to her, to say the least.”
“If it makes you feel better, her marriage is a total sham. After his father died, Equius’ Uncle insisted he got married before he took up the land and his title. Nepeta was just very convenient. He’s damn lucky he’s her best friend, because I’d proposed to her a matter of hours before he did.”
“Oh no, honey, I’m so sorry.” Jade took his hand, and lay his over hers.
“Don’t be, I wasn’t fucking well in love with her, if that’s what you’re thinking.” Karkat scoffed. Jade tutted and snatched her hand out from under his. “What? She was convenient, and Mother and father were very happy to overlook her distinct lack of Judaism for all that French land she’d just acquired.”
“I guess I can’t say I blame you. Two vineyards. I’d kill for just one.” Jade said. She rested her hand on her cheek. “I’d kill for her regardless.”
Karkat whispered close to her ear, “I’d count Nepeta as one of my closest friends, you do realise?”
“Yeah, Vantas, I have noticed that on account of the fact I’m not a moron.”
“Well… I know for a fact she’s rather more likeminded than you think. I’ve certainly seen her engaging in behaviour I’d certainly consider to be likeminded.” Jade gave him a surprised look.
“Tell me more.”
“You should stop being a total idiot for a moment and fucking think about it. If you were my fiancé, you’d be invited to all the same places I’ll be, IE, all the same places she’ll be. She could attend our engagement parties, our wedding, and the many dinner parties we’ll hold at the house. Parties just for married couples and what not.”
“As much as I hate to admit it, you’re right.” Jade sighed. “I guess... It would please Daddy, wouldn’t it? And it… We’re a pretty good match.”
“You are speaking sense for the first fucking time in weeks.” Karkat couldn’t help but grin. Jade gave him a weak smile.
“And we already fight kind of like a married couple.”
“Exactly.”
“I guess if I had to marry a fella, it’d be you, Vantas.” Jade shrugged.
“I don’t think there’s a girl I’d rather marry either.” Karkat told her. He was a little bit excited, he had to admit. Engagements meant parties, and engagements to Jade meant parties her brother would be attending. “I suppose I’ll ask your father for your hand this evening?”
“You do that, he’ll like that a lot. And that means you can propose properly at dinner, assuming you have a ring.”
“Well obviously, woman, have you ever known me to be unprepared?” He said. Jade snorted and raised her glass.
“A toast to us.”
“To us.” Karkat clinked his glass against hers, and she gave him a chaste kiss on the mouth – something that took him aback, but that he supposed he should get used to.
“There is, of course, the matter of… a child.”
“Aww, Jeez, I was just getting into the moment.”
“Fucking moments up is one of my greatest talents, darling, I’d suggest you get yourself used to it pretty bloody promptly.” He grumbled. “The fact is, my father’s businesses needs an heir, and so will yours if John doesn’t produce one. Plus, who isn’t going to be suspicious of a childless marriage. Unless, that is, we start a rumour that you’re barren.”
“I thought you weren’t gonna have anything to do with the banks.”
“I’m not; I’ll only be taking them over in name.” Karkat shook his head. “It wouldn’t be an issue if you weren’t,” Karkat made a vague hand gesture, “So how would you suggest we get around the whole fucking issue?”
“Jesus Christ, Vantas, it won’t be an issue. The idea isn’t completely vomit-inducingly repulsive to me.” She grumbled, draining the last of her wine glass.
“Excellent.”
“We’re waiting at least until I’m finished at University.” Jade said.
“Of course… And bloody well cheer up, will you. I’ve asked you to marry me, not offer yourself as a human sacrifice.”
“I know. It’s kind of a lot to absorb.”
“Look… Jade. I’m sorry about this. I just. I need to get married. And you barely even have to see me if you don’t want to. I wouldn’t blame you; I am essentially a fetid garden gnome in a suit. I wouldn’t marry me. Honestly I’d probably set myself on fire if presented with the prospect, but it would doubtlessly be extinguished by the fountain of piss that would gush from my shrivelled, miserable excuse for a penis.”
“…Well jeez, you’re not that bad.” Jade poured herself a fresh glass on wine. A somewhat uncomfortable silence followed.
“Well, in any case, Nepeta’s coming tonight.”
“That cheers me the hell up.”
Karkat gave a small pensive sigh. “This really isn’t how I thought my first successful proposal would go, you know.”
“Honestly, this is how I figured mine would go. If it went at all… Which it just did.”
Karkat’s proposal was supposed to be a surprise. To a girl he loved, who at least liked men a little bit, with flowers, and a string quartet and applause from loved ones. It had been like that with Terezi, but it was rather spoilt by the fact that they weren’t actually allowed to get married.