Chapter Text
Some people are scared of the void, of the nothingness that it represents, of how consistent it is. It fills their nightmares, it makes them wake up in the middle of the night, their back wet with cold sweat.
He, however, welcomed the void, like a comforting friend’s hand that was laid on his shoulder. He desired it, he waited for it to come to him and surround him, wrapping him up in its emptiness. Only in the void he could find peace.
The first thing he felt, hidden in that empty world, was her touch, a hand reaching out for him and dragging him out of the darkness. When he opened his eyes, she was there, beside him, her eyes kind and her mouth curved in a sad half-smile.
Then, he noticed the noises outside. It was that time. Again.
“Come on, liebling. You’ll be back to bed soon, so soon, I promise.” she whispered, caressing his cheek softly and then handing him a t-shirt. Her voice was calmed, the complete opposite of the voices of men that ran down the corridors. He grabbed the t-shirt and allowed himself to close his eyes a moment, leaning against the wall while still sitting in bed.
He didn’t say a word. He never did. What was the point of speaking when she knew everything already, everything that went through his mind every time the alarms went off and men started running down the aisles of the facilities? She knew it. He knew how she felt about that. Words were useless to them.
The path from his bed to the deck was always blurred away from his mind as if he had been sleepwalking or maybe as if it had only happened in a dream. He recalled parts though: men and women in khaki bodysuits and uniforms, jostling, shouts. It was always the same, and she was always standing by his side, her hand around his, walking through the crowed corridors.
The deck was full of activity, just like the aisles that led to the rooms. The whole picture reminded him of an anthill after a passerby had stepped on it. Beside him, she sighed and started walking across the throng, dragging him after her.
A man appeared by his side, carrying a tablet in his hands. “Is he ready?” he asked giving him a doubtful look. “As always” she replied, barely turning to look at him. He could feel her hand squeezing his gently.
The man nodded, turned around and left in a hurry, almost running.
“Lehnsherrs, board on the platform A-4” a voice said through the PA system.
She smiled, looking down at him. “That’s us!” she said, and he thought that was childish. Obviously, he knew it was them. However, he returned her the smirk and they hurried towards the indicated place, surrounded by a swarm of people.
The Red Hölle was a magnificent machine, a creature made of the best german technology and painted in bright red shades. It had been the first Mark-3 created in the country, the first to be operative. His heart always skipped a beat when he stared at it, when he stood beside it. He was a part of it, they both were. The brain of a colossus. He bit the inside of his cheek. That was a huge damn responsibility.
The drivesuits they put on them weren’t comfortable, but they adapted perfectly to his body. He had got used to them, but it still did feel a bit strange to put them on, a second skin that wasn’t such. One of the men that helped them with the spinal clamp and the armour asked him how old he was. He had never seen him around, maybe he was new, transferred from another Shatterdome. “Twelve” he replied. As it often happened, the man’s eyes widened and said nothing more. He knew what he was thinking, though. Too young. Or maybe, how could a child possibly pass the combat room tests? In any case, they pitied him. They could not believe he was good enough. He couldn’t be. As he grabbed his helmet he gave the man a quick angry glance. He could save his pity. He didn’t want it. He didn’t need it.
Once they were ready, they headed towards the boarding station. This time she did not hold his hand. She was walking before him, her face serious. He felt as if he had a lump in his throat. Entering the Jaeger changed her completely, he thought bitterly, though that was unfair, since it changed him too. When they piloted the Jaeger there could be no mistakes, no jokes. They had to be perfect, in absolute synchrony. A wrong decision, a misstep, that was what stood between them and death.
They entered the Conn-pod alone. Silently, both of them put on their helmets. The attachment was quick, it never took more than a minute. Inside his armour, he took a deep breath and closed his eyes for a moment. He heard the relay gel dispersing through the circuitry suit.
“Herrin Lehnsherr, Erik” a voice came suddenly from the communicator. “You took your time, again.”
“And we could have taken more, Herr Shaw” he heard her reply for both of them.
Herr Shaw made a dismissive sound but said nothing more about the matter. “Let’s not delay this anymore. Prepare for launching.”
“How big is it this time?” she asked quickly, as if she feared he would cut the transmission.
Herr Shaw remained silent for a moment. “Category III” he said, nearly whispering. He could hear his mother hold back a gasp. He felt nervousness creeping into him and his heart started racing in his chest. They had never seen a category III, never heard about their existence, but he could imagine it. He turned to her but she seemed strangely calmed. “We’ll take it down” she just said.
Shaw’s reply came quickly “I do hope so.” He paused, as if thinking about adding something else but he just mumbled a hurriedly “good luck” and then the communicator went silent.
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The Handshake went well, they were used to it. The first times it had been hard for Erik but with a disciplined training with his mother he had come to learn how to do it, how to not “chase the rabbit” and drift correctly with her. Inside the Jaeger Erik felt calm, powerful, comforted by the presence of his mother’s conscience mixing with his, but it was also some kind of invasion of his personal space. There was something “noisy” about sharing his mind, thoughts and memories with someone else that way.
This time, not even the calmness coming from his mother through the Drift could soothe the strange pain that seemed to clasp his heart. “Stay focused” he heard her say, though they barely spoke when they were in the Conn-pod. “It’s just bigger, liebling, but not smarter.”
Erik nodded and bit his lip as he took a deep breath. “It’s just another Kaiju” he told himself as he tried to swallow down the fear “It’s just another Kaiju”.
It was dark outside the Shatterdome, darker than it had been other times. Maybe it was because winter was approaching, he thought as he tried to focus on the controlling of the Jaeger.
“You are getting closer” Shaw’s voice calmly stated through the communicator. “It’s about 3 kilometres from you. You should be able to see something”
Erik half-closed his eyes, trying to see something in the darkness of the sea, but the waves made it impossible for him. His mother connected the lighting system. A sharp light beam cut through the darkness around them.
“There is nothing there, Herr Shaw” his mother said. A wave of tenseness came through the Drift. She didn’t like all of this, and neither did he.
“You are.... you are standing right next to it. It’s impossible.” Shaw sounded almost confused. He heard other voices join his, speaking loudly and disorderly.
There was a sudden roar. The sea opened and a dark creature emerged from it in a whirlwind of water and foam. A yell died in Erik’s throat as he raised the Jaeger’s left arm in a defensive position, an instinctive reaction. His mother beside him groaned and didn’t hesitate to throw a right hook towards the Kaiju.
It wasn’t as big as he had imagined. It was bigger. The creature released a high pitched cry as it backed slightly before charging against the Red Hölle. The Conn-pod shook dangerously. Erik’s breath came in quick bursts out of his mouth. He was terrified, terrified as he had never been before, not even when he first fought against a Kaiju. And it was because his mother was scared stiff as well. Through the Drift he could feel only panic.
Shaw’s voice was yelling via the communicator but he could not understand a thing. Now that he could see it better, thanks on the one hand to the light the Jaeger casted and on the other to how close the creature was now, the Category III Kaiju looked like a gigantic hammerhead shark, though his body was more similar to some kind prehistoric creature, just like other Kaijus did. Its scales were dark as jet and seemed just as hard as the steel that had been used to build the Red Hölle.
The Kaiju’s fangs grabbed at the left arm of the Jaeger and Erik couldn’t help it: he screamed in pain, feeling the creature’s tusks ripping his own skin in two. “It’s not real Erik!” his mother yelled beside him, raising her arm and smashing the Jaeger’s fist against the Kaiju’s head. The creature roared and turned to bite back at it.
Tears rolled down Erik’s cheeks as he clenched his jaw and fisted his hands, stooping slightly to charge against the Kaiju. He could feel the metal crunching when the Jaeger hit the creature’s hard, scaled skin. “Impossible...” he mumbled. How could it be? What kind of armour protected that Kaiju? Was that what a Category III really was? He turned slightly to stare at his mother. Her face was a mask of terror, of bewilderment. She was paralyzed.
The creature took advantage of that moment of immobility and attacked. Its claws sank in the Red Hölle’s sides. This time both Erik and his mother curled up in pain.
“Move!” Shaw was saying. Now he could hear him, just as he could hear his own heart’s beat. “Move, for God’s sake!”
But it was impossible. The Kaiju had them trapped: it headbutted against the Conn-pod, opening a breach in the Jaeger’s head. Erik put his hands on his head, crying. His mother was screaming.
There was another bump against the Conn-pod, harder than the first one. A claw slammed against the Red Hölle’s head and finally ripped it open. Erik could feel the cold and salty air of the night, water drops on his cheeks – his own tears. “It’s over” he thought, rage burning suddenly inside his chest. It could not be over.
The claw reappeared. Erik quickly tried to release himself from the Jaeger. He could feel his mother through the Drift, struggling with her spinal clamp, trying to escape from what had become a prison.
And then, suddenly, she wasn’t there. The Drift went silent. Erik froze, his lips shaking. The Kaiju’s claws were around his mother’s body, sinking deep in her skin. Her eyes were wide open and there was blood everywhere. The creature moved and his mother’s body was ripped off the Jaeger and thrown into the Kaiju’s jaws, smashed between its fangs.
Blood. Blood everywhere. Erik could not scream, only choked noises came out of his mouth. He could not look away from the Kaiju’s fangs that dripped with blood. He moved slightly, releasing himself from the spinal clamp, finally free...
And he fell. He fell and fell and fell down, a fall that seemed to have no end.
But it ended. The water welcomed him, its coldness surrounding him in a fluid embrace. It was like the void he used to dream about, except he did not want it now. He wanted the noisiness of his thoughts mixing with someone else’s, he wanted the warm touch of a hand. He wanted to wake up, he wanted it all to be a dream.
But he closed his eyes and abandoned himself to the darkness. As if it was far, far away he heard a roar and a shriek. And... was that the sound of shooting?
It was too late for that, for everything. As he sank deep into the sea he felt his lungs fill with water but he barely fought it. He was so tired... so, so tired.
“Mother... I’m coming...”
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... beep, beep, beep, beeeeeeep.
He woke up groaning, a headache throbbing in his forehead. There was an unceasing whistle coming from the bed above his. He buried his face in the pillow and covered his ears trying to drown out the annoying beeping, unsuccessfully.
“Would you please do me the favour of turning that damned thing off?” he yelled getting up and leaning out of his bunker bed.
A hand appeared on the side of the upper bed, moving up and down. “Calm down yo, i’m on it...” a sleepy voice replied.
Erik stood up, ruffling his hair as he walked towards the bathroom, grumbling. The apartment smelled of alcohol and sweat. He wrinkled his nose, kicking a pair of boots on his way.
He turned the tap open and rested his hands on both sides of sink. It was cold against the warmth of his skin and that made a shiver run down his spine. Erik closed his eyes for a moment, taking a deep breath before putting his hands down the running water and washing his face. The alarm went off in that precise moment. He whispered a quick “thank god” before reaching for the not-so-clean handtowel beside the sink and returning to the room.
He hated that place. He hated his rented apartment, he hated his flatmate and he hated that city. He sank on his bed and threw the towel to the floor, where it joined a couple of worn-out jeans. He let out a sigh as he rested his hands on his naked chest. He could still feel the coldness of the water around him, the pressure on his chest as he drowned...
“You should ask things in a kinder way, man. Why you gotta be like this all the time? It’s like living with a grumpy fucking dwarf... only human-sized, you know?” his flatmate moved in the upper bed, making the whole structure shake dangerously.
“Of course” Erik replied emotionless. He remained still for a few more seconds before he got up again and reached for a long sleeved shirt that was resting on a solitary chair.
The wardrobe was in the same state as the rest of the apartment: clothes were everywhere but in the hangers that swayed when Erik opened the door, abandoned and forgotten. Some skinny black trousers fell from the closet and he grabbed them.
“You are going to work” his flatmate stated from the bed, jealousy dripping from his words. “Yeah” Erik said as he tied his boots without even looking at him. Oh yes, another thing he hated: this dude’s obsession for stating the obvious.
“Man,” his flatmate was interrupted by his own yawn, “it’s true what they say about you germans and your resistance to alcohol. Your liver must be made of metal if you’re fine after all the booze from yesterday!”
Erik said nothing as he put on his red coat and grabbed the backpack that rested on the door. He heard a thud and the sound of his flatmate’s footsteps approaching him. He turned around pursing his lips impatiently. The guy stood before him staring at him from top to bottom. “What?” he asked as he opened the door, ready to leave.
“I don’t know, man. You could be doing anything you wanted, literally anything. And you're cleaning a fucking bar in the port where they pay you literal shit. Why?”
Erik remained silent for a moment, staring at him. He had to give it to him: he seemed utterly curious. “It’s none of your business” he said as he exited the apartment and closed the door behind him.
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The port at 6:15am was a constant hustle. Fishermen did not abound much those days: after the K-Day, the business was slowly extinguishing. There weren’t many men out there willing to take a boat and risk themselves to become a Kaiju aperitif. Instead, the fishermen had been replaced by all the people that worked night and day on the Anti-Kaiju Wall, a part of the Wall of Life Program initiated by the United Nations.
Erik stood still for a moment looking at the gigantic wall, still under construction. Useless. People died building that wall and it was for nothing. He recalled the skin of that hammerhead shark Kaiju, how it had crunched his Jaeger’s armour and he bit the inside of his cheek. Metal and cement would do nothing against a Category IV. If the rumours were true, there was already one swarming around the ocean.
He shook his head and continued walking across the street, towards the bar. Jimmy’s – named after the bar’s owner – was located at the end of street that had been built parallel to the old port. It was a dirty and old place that had been rescued from being demolished by a lazy owner that thought he would be able to make good and easy money from the Anti-Kaiju Wall’s construction. And truly, he did. It was the only establishment that remained there. No one wanted to risk their asses building a business so near to the ocean, even if it could make them rich, so Jimmy had no competition. At 6:30am, the bar opened and it filled with hungry workers that needed a snack before getting back to work. All day customers filled Jimmy’s and even though the chairs were almost all lame and the tables were never 100% clean the bar was never empty.
When Erik entered the two waitresses were already there: they usually came earlier than they should so they could leave early at night as well. They greeted him not very enthusiastically. They looked almost bored as they cleaned some of the tables of the bar. For what they were paid, they did quite enough. Erik mumbled a quick reply and entered back shop to put on his working uniform.
It was exactly 6:30am when the door of the bar opened again. Erik checked his watch and frowned. Weird. Jimmy was never there so on time. He put his jacket and backpack in one of the lockers in the room and walked towards the door.
From the bar came the sound of voices speaking. None was Jimmy’s. Erik stood still before the door, his hand in the doorknob.
“He’s in the back shop” one of the waitresses said “He’ll come out any time.”
“Thank you, miss. We shall wait.” a voice replied. Erik’s eyes widened with familiarity. He opened the door quickly.
Everyone in the room turned to stare at him. Standing before Erik there were a man and a woman, both wearing matching uniforms.
“Herr Shaw” he said as if he had just seen a ghost.
Shaw smiled slightly. His eyes were of a strange shade of blue that seemed almost grey in the pale light of the morning. “It’s been quite a long time, Erik” he said, approaching him slowly. The woman behind him said nothing. She just stood still and stared at Erik with curious eyes. Her hair was short, of a bright ginger colour.
Erik did not answer immediately. “What are you doing here?” he asked, unable to look away from the man’s face, incapable of moving. He reminded him of a past that haunted him, a past he could not forget.
“You, Erik” Shaw said. He was now in front of him, smiling at him. “I have been looking for you.”
Erik was confused. “Why?”
Shaw turned to the woman behind him. She gave him an approving nod.
“Would you be willing to rejoin the Jaeger program?”