Chapter Text
June 5th 2021
Weddings have been and always will be one of Lexa's favorite occasions. The giddy excitement of the newly weds. The funny games and the quirky dancing. Lexa's always been a romantic.
But she can't feel anything but the bitter slap in the face that is Anya and Raven’s wedding.
She loves both of them, more than words could describe. But why, in God's name, did they pick today of all days to get married?
June 5th. Exactly one year since the end of her marriage.
She knows it wasn't intentional, she knows that. But it doesn't hurt any less that they didn't remember.
Weddings are supposed to be happy occasions, especially when the person getting married is one of your closest friends and the cousin you grew up with. Although the wedding was beautiful, for reasons stated Lexa couldn't help but think of all the reasons she was not happy.
It hurt when Anya said all the reasons she loved Raven, that she couldn’t wait to spend the rest of her life with the girl. It hurt when Raven returned the sentiments. It hurt when they exchanged the one kiss that was supposed to seal the promise of forever.
It wasn’t a happy occasion at all, because once upon a time ago, Lexa stood where they stood, she made those same promises. But no matter how much she meant every word of it she still ended up here. Alone. Sitting far from the love of her life, not planning stupid ways to spend their anniversary, and definitely not falling asleep in each other’s arms after the day was through.
Instead, she was here staring longingly at the one woman who had fully captured her heart, except their promise ended when they swore it wouldn’t and now all she could do was mull over everything that went wrong- something she had no intention to do.
So as soon as the vows were finished and the kisses were exchanged, Lexa made her way towards the reception where an open bar would rid her of those incessant thoughts.…
But nothing is that easy .
Lexa stands at the bar, swirling the whiskey around her glass. She takes a sip, leaving a stray lipstick stain against the glass. Her eyes never stray from the sight of her ex-wife dancing with her new boyfriend.
What was his name? Flin?
Flin grabs Clarke by the hips swaying to the beat of the song, Lexa's grip tightens on the glass. Clarke smiles, turning towards the guy and planting a soft kiss to his lips.
She looked happy… Was she happy? Happier without her?
Lexa gulps down the rest of her whisky and slams down her glass. She waves a finger at the bar tender, signaling for another. This was going to be a long night- might as well satiate the burning rage in her with the sweet burn of alcohol.
Lexa loosens her tie, the fabric far too constricting, and hangs her head in her hands. Even with the drinks, she doesn't know how she's going to make it through the night.
She jumps when a pair of hands gently rubs her shoulders. The woman leans forward, pressing a kiss to her temple. Lexa sighs, leaning back into the embrace.
"What has you so tense?" Costia asks.
Lexa closes her eyes, she leans back into her girlfriend's chest, listening to the steady thrum of her heartbeat. Costia leans down again, placing another kiss to her head.
Lexa shakes her head, mind deliciously numb, she feels the alcohol starting to seep into her system, her fingers tingle as she reaches for her glass. She tips it back, Costia smiles when an upbeat tune begins to play from the speakers.
"Let's dance Lexa!" Costia says.
Lexa allows herself to be pulled to the dance floor. Her hands make their way to Costia's hips, but her eyes never move from Clarke. She feels Costia wrap her arms around her neck, they sway back and forth to the music.
Lexa dances through the music limp and unblinking, her mouth goes dry when she watches Clarke twirl in Flin's arms. Blonde hair cascading in waves around her shoulder. Lexa itches to reach out and touch her. Tear her from the floppy haired man's grasp.
What makes him any better? What makes him more compatible? Does he want kids? Does he know Clarke's deciding factor?
Lexa's eyes flick back to Costia's. She's beautiful, but not as beautiful as Clarke. Guilt churns in her stomach, making her queasy. It's not fair to Costia, thinking like this.
The next song plays, a familiar melody that has Lexa’s heart skipping a beat. Clarke looks around the crowd, searching for someone until their eyes meet. Lexa bites her lip as the song reaches the chorus.
Cause all of me
Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections
Give your all to me
I'll give my all to you
You're my end and my beginnin'
Even when I lose, I'm winnin'
This is wrong. This is their song. She shouldn't be dancing with anyone else to their song.
Lexa takes a step back, removing her hands from around Costia's waist. Bright blue eyes sparkle under the lights of the dance floor, Costia's eyes. They break away, Costia cocks her head to the side, her curly black hair hangs around her collarbone.
On a normal night, Lexa would be brushing the hair away and placing a kiss in its place.
On a normal night, Costia would be enough.
But this isn't a normal night, and Lexa can't get Clarke out of her mind.
It's been a full year since their divorce. One full year without Clarke.
And tonight, Lexa realizes what a big mistake she's made.
Lexa stalks back to the bar, ordering something stronger, she needs to forget. She needs to move on. But she can't. Not without Clarke.
She can see Clarke from the corner of her eye, she breaks away from Flin, heading her way. Lexa scrubs her face with her hands. Quickly knocking back her drink.
The alcohol goes down hard, she feels her throat warm and the feeling blossoms in her belly. Her heart rate picks up as she watches Clarke. She's wearing a tight-fitting blue dress, her heels click against the dance floor with each step.
Lexa tries to make herself look presentable, she brushes her hair back, hoping it's dark enough in the reception to hide the flush of her cheeks. She hopes she looks sober.
"Is this seat taken?" Clarke asks, pointing at the seat next to Lexa.
Lexa shakes her head, wondering why Clarke had to pick the seat next to her when there were all these other seats open. The bartender returns with a fresh glass for Lexa, she's lost count now with how many she's had.
Clarke crosses her legs, leaning against the counter, showing off her generous cleavage. Lexa's eyes wander the fresh skin as Clarke orders a vodka cranberry. She's openly staring at this point, but she can't help but to blame the alcohol.
The bartender heads off with her order, Clarke turns towards Lexa, whose eyes dart up to her face. Lexa tries to speak, her voice coming out with a squeak.
"Hi," Lexa says.
Clarke smiles, flipping her hair over her shoulder.
"Hi," Clarke says.
The two let the silence grow between them. Lexa plays with the condensation against her glass. Unsure of what to say, or if she should say anything at all. She looks up, into baby blue eyes, Clarke looks sad, but that's none of her business now.
"Nice wedding," Lexa says, taking a sip of her drink.
Clarke places a hand on top of Lexa’s, her flesh burns where she's touching her. Lexa's eyes flick up, meeting Clarke's own.
“Not nicer than ours." Clarke says with a small smile clearly trying to lighten the mood, obviously failing.
Lexa nods, glancing down at her drink. She feels her body go a comfortable numb, the alcohol settling deep in her bones.
"How's Flin?" Lexa says, turning the conversation back to Clarke’s new happy- or so it seemed- relationship.
Clarke laughs, turning on her stool to face Lexa who turns as well. The bartender returns with her drink, Clarke barely gives him a second glance. She smiles, swirling the little straw in her cup.
"You mean Finn? He's OK. But I didn't come here to talk about him either." Clarke says.
Lexa's gaze focuses on Clarke's cup, the way her fingers curl around the smooth glass. She swallows, her throat bobbing with the effort. She's not ready for a conversation, not with Clarke.
"What did you come to talk about then?" Lexa asks, voice in a whisper.
Clarke's mastered a smile, but Lexa knows deep down she's hurting just as bad as she is. Or maybe she's just hoping she is.
"Can we talk in private?" Clarke asks.
Lexa nods, standing from her seat. She stumbles, Clarke has to steady her. She's had a lot to drink tonight.
Clarke guides them to a quiet room, the coat room, which is nothing more than an embellished closet. They have to stand close to each other, there's not much space. Clarke's hand is on hers as soon as the door is shut.
"Are you ok?" Clarke asks.
Lexa's skin is aflame again, she'll never get enough of feeling Clarke touch her. Lexa nods, looking at her Oxfords, she scuffs her toe against the carpet, avoiding Clarke's gaze.
Clarke lifts her chin, forcing their gazes to meet.
"I'm serious Lex," Clarke says.
Lexa pauses, taken aback from the nickname. It's been so long since Clarke's called her that, maybe, just maybe Clarke misses her. Lexa's eyes brim with tears, Clarke brushes them away with her thumb.
"Lex," Clarke says, head tilted and eyes soft.
Lexa can't help it, there's a feeling bubbling deep inside her chest. Clarke's hand makes soothing patterns up and down her arm and Lexa's mind is swimming with all the alcohol.
Lexa squeezes her eyes shut tight and surges forward. She connects their lips in a bruising kiss. A heat growing deep in the pit of her stomach. She's been aching for this for too long. She's about to pull away, before Clarke kisses her back, just as ferociously.
Their lips disconnected for only a second, their heads tilting for better access. Clarke yanks the tie from around Lexa's throat, fumbling with the buttons on her shirt. She opens the shirt, exposing Lexa's breasts to the chilled air of the closet.
Clarke pulls down her bra, lapping her tongue around one of her nipples, Lexa tosses her head back and moans, Clarke sucks hard. Lexa can feel the bulge forming in her slacks, pressing tight against the fabric.
Clarke kneels, quickly undoing her belt and pulling Lexa from her boxers. She swells in Clarke's hand, she's never been able to control herself around her ex. Clarke pumps her cock a few times, before taking her into her mouth.
Lexa's head meets the back wall of the closet. Squeezing Her eyes shut tight. She can't believe this is happening. Clarke's tongue slides up and down her shaft, she licks the precum from her tip. Lexa groans, tangling her hands in Clarke's hair.
Clarke's mouth feels amazing but she pulls Clarke to her feet. Her hand gently strokes up and down Lexa's cock, a gesture far too intimate for what they're about to do. They're divorced, there's no room for love making, this is just sex and the animalistic need they both desire.
That's what Lexa tells herself.
Lexa lifts Clarke off the floor, pressing her back into the wall. She slides Clarke's dress up around her hips. Clarke moans, grinding into Lexa. They both throw their heads back in ecstasy.
"Fuck, Clarke, is this, okay?" Lexa asks, panting as she grinds her cock along the edge of Clarke's underwear.
Clarke nods, wrapping her legs tightly around Lexa's waist. She's dripping through her thong.
"Please, Lex." Clarke moans.
Lexa slides the thong to the side, slipping through Clarke's wet folds. They both groan as Lexa sinks inside, stretching Clarke comfortably. Lexa presses Clarke's back into the wall, pumping her hips at a steady pace.
The sound of skin slapping against skin is heard throughout the closet. Lexa looks down, watching as her cock disappears in and out of Clarke. A tightness forms in the pit of her stomach.
Clarke pants in Lexa's ear, her walls fluttering against Lexa's relentless pace. Lexa angles just right, she knows all the right places that make Clarke's toes curl. Clarke is impossibly wet; Lexa picks up her pace.
It's only minutes before Clarke is falling over that edge, Lexa chasing quickly after her. Lexa's whole body stiffens as she fills Clarke, pumping her hips slowly, bringing them both down from their high.
Lexa stops, holding Clarke up, their breath comes in short, and mixes together. Lexa leans forward, caressing Clarke's lips with her own. This is wrong, oh so wrong, but neither can be bothered to stop.
Finally, they break, Clarke slips to the ground, shifting her dress back into place. She tucks Lexa back in her pants, places a gentle kiss to her lips and slips from the closet without another word.
Lexa stares long and hard at the door, trying to understand what just transpired.
--
July 16th, 2021
Clarke bites her lip, knee bobbing up and down as she glares at the two pink lines on the test. The edges around her eyes begin to blur, she wipes away a stray tear with the back of her hand. How could she let this happen?
She’s careful, she’s always careful. She never forgets a condom. Not until that night, she’s never been able to control herself around Lexa... Why the hell did she sleep with her, they were just supposed to talk…. Why the hell didn’t they just talk?
“Maybe it’s Finn's.” Raven says and Clarke was sure it was her own subconscious talking to her before she remembered her friend was sitting right beside her.
“I- we… it’s Lexa’s.” The blonde stuttered, “Me and Finn haven’t-“
“You haven’t slept with him?” Raven exclaimed, “You’ve been together for like three months.”
“Yes, we’ve slept together, Rae but it’s always with a condom and he never- you know…. Inside me, but Lexa did that night.”
“Right when you were screwing at my wedding in a coat closet.” The brunette smirked but Clarke was too busy staring at the stick in her hand to care about the comment. “Clarke-"
“What am I going to do?” she whispered, warm tears slipping down her face.
“Hey,” Raven said, rushing over to the girl, “We’ll figure this out, together like we do everything. Just take a deep breath and calm down.”
Calm down, how could she calm down? She was staring at a pregnancy test that was that was positive because she drunkenly had sex with her ex-wife after hearing their song play. Her ex-wife that she was by no means over- hell she knew she could never fully be over Lexa, but they weren’t together for more reasons than one- kids being a big part of that.
And no matter how much she wanted kids with Lexa, she didn’t want it like this and Lexa didn’t want it at all.
“I just… Lexa doesn’t even want kids,” Clarke says.
Raven kneels in front of Clarke, she brushes a strand of hair away from her face.
“Let's start by getting a real pregnancy test, maybe that one was a false positive?” Raven says.
Clarke nods, Raven grabs her wrists, helping her to her feet.
“Do you think you’d be able to get in with your doctor today?” Raven asks.
“I don’t want my mom to know,” Clarke says, her eyes widened and her breathing rate picks up.
How is she going to explain to her mom that she’s pregnant with her ex wife’s child? Her mom’s going to kill her when she finds out, especially since she footed the bill for their divorce. She didn't even approve of the divorce!
“Clarke,” Raven says, squeezing both of her hands, “We don’t have to go to your doctor, we can go to planned parenthood, they take walk-ins.”
Clarke nods, whole body going numb, she feels a wave of nausea crash through her, but she chokes it down. She can do this, even if Lexa would want nothing to do with the child, she can do this.
“Let's go,” Clarke says, walking towards the door.
“Why don’t you get dressed first,” Raven says softly.
Clarke looks down at her outfit, still in her pyjamas, she hasn’t left the house in days. Too anxious to know the truth. Raven had to call off work just to be with her today, for that, she’s grateful.
Clarke is lucky to have Raven in her life. They’ve been best friends since elementary school. Clarke can still remember the day Raven showed up at school.
Long brown hair, done up in braids, she wore jeans and a tee shirt that was far too big for her. She stood at the front of the class, missing her two front teeth, but still smiled and told the class about herself.
Clarke found her later at recess. Raven had Dax on his back begging for mercy. Dax liked to pull her hair so Clarke was happy to see him on the ground with Raven hovering over him. Clarke placed a hand to her shoulder, telling her everything would be ok. Raven stood up straight and limped away.
It wasn’t until middle school that Raven told Clarke the reason for her limp and missing teeth was because of her mom’s boyfriend. Clarke told her mom, which had her calling the state. The next thing Clarke knew, Raven was moving in and her mom was buying her a new set of teeth.
“You ready?” Raven said.
Clarke blinks, she didn’t even remember getting in the car, let alone the drive to the clinic. She nods, removing her seatbelt, she looks around at the protesters gathered around, she’s nothing but nerves.
Clarke opens the door, taking a step out, her knees buckle once the crowd is on her. People are shouting, calling her a baby killer and all types of mean things. Clarke swallows, her throat painfully dry. She takes heavy steps towards the clinic as she’s shouted at.
Raven yells back at them, but Clarke clings tightly to her arm, a feeling like lead in her belly. They make it past the doors when Clarke first realizes she’s crying. She swipes angrily at her eyes, telling herself there’s nothing to be worried about, the test was just a false positive.
“How can I help you?” The woman at the desk asks.
“My friend thinks she might be pregnant,” Raven says.
“Alright, just fill out these forms for me and we’ll call you back shortly.” the woman says.
Clarke takes the clipboard with shaky hands. Raven guides them to a pair of chairs. Clarke has her name on the form and just filled out her address when she’s called to the back. These guys are quick.
The two are led to one of the rooms, Clarke is told to sit on the exam table with the crinkly paper.
“The doctor will be in shortly, you can finish up that paperwork before he arrives.” The nurse says.
Clarke nods, trying her best to fill out the paper, but her hands are too shaky. Raven takes the clipboard filling out the parts she can, Clarke just sits, unblinking at the door. As much as she loves Raven, she really just wishes that Lexa were there instead.
There's a knock on the door and before Clarke's mind can register it, the doctor's taken her blood sample and is reading off the results.
"Well Mrs. Griffin-Woods, it looks like your test came back positive, you are pregnant." He says, eyes never leaving the paper.
Clarke can't help it, she's overcome with emotion and bursts into tears. She sobs uncontrollably, Raven rubs soothing circles into her back. The doctor’s eyes soften, he lowers the paper.
"If the pregnancy is unwanted we have options, I'll have one of our nurses come in to explain-" he starts.
"No!" Clarke bursts out, wiping her tears away with her fingers, "No, I'm not getting rid of my baby. And it's Miss not Misses. Not anymore…" she says the last part in a whisper.
The doctor nods, straightening his back.
"Well in that case, you should make an appointment with your obstetrician. If you don't have one, we have a few recommendations." The doctor says, handing Clarke a tissue.
Clarke dabs at her eyes, whispering a quiet "Thank you" and follows Raven from the clinic. She walks past the protesters one last time, flipping them off as she goes. She takes a seat in Raven's truck, buckling herself up.
"You okay?" Raven asks.
Clarke nods, resigning herself to giving Lexa a phone call later.
f o l l o w - u s!
Lexkru- https://lexkru.tumblr.com/
thebenniebabyninja-https://thebenniebabyninja.tumblr.com