Chapter Text
On May 5th, an unfortunate being by the name of Nakajima Atsushi is born. He is born with ten fingers and ten toes, hair as white as the moon itself and purple eyes that shine gold in the light.
He'll have no recollection of a mother nor a father, in fact, he's less dubious of the marked 'May 5th' scribbled on the file in the orphanage's dossier on all the orphans in the facility. This is because on May 5th is when celebrations occur, citing 'Children's Day' as a national holiday. A day set aside for the celebration of the many different and varying personalities children have and their ever pursuit of happiness.
So that day, at age 0, Atsushi is born.
And on May 5th, at the age of 2, he is found in a back alley of a dumpster in a small, godforsaken town with nothing else other than his name scribbled haphazardly on the cardboard box.
This is when he is born.
At the age of 6 is when Atsushi fully recognizes that his orphanage will be the only place he knows of. Even after the headmaster had whipped his back. Even after his dinner is taken away from him as punishment. He notices the looks the other children give, how they'll purposely pick on him to gain favor towards the headmaster, how the chains seem to be colder afterward.
He'll forget about the moon shining brightly through the window and he'll wake up, hoping for a new day.
At the age of 12 is when Atsushi screams, tears streaking down his face, as the scathing fire iron burns his left flank with no mercy. His skin sizzles under the cool, spring air and the smell of burnt flesh lingers for a couple of days. The wounds blister, burning down into his muscle as he cries himself to sleep that night.
He only wishes that it was winter so the burns calm down.
He's kicked out of the orphanage at 18 years old, with the headmaster citing 'too many mouths to feed'.
Atsushi has no luggage, no material possessions, barely even dignity left as he walks to the nearest town. Even if the burns on his abdomen have healed, he finds himself gripping the area ever so tightly. There's a tiger loose, stalking him too. How appropriate, he thinks.
Two weeks of relentless hopelessness and dread, digging through various trash to find barely edible foods and half-empty bottles of water and sleepless nights escaping the tiger has Atsushi at his limits. He sits in a broken posture near the river, stomach agonizingly empty and weakening strength.
Set sometime in June, he believes, is when he meets a mysterious man by the name of Dazai Osamu.
Dazai saves him.
Set sometime in June is when he's first born. Because Dazai saved him. Because the Armed Detective Academy welcomed him. Because Dazai saves him time and time again.
At age 18, he meets a young killer by the name of Kyouka and decides that she's just like him. So he saves her, hoping to repay the favor of Dazai having saved him.
Set sometime in the end of August, he saves the city from the crashlanding of Moby Dick... and Kyouka is saved. Atsushi looks towards Dazai, who smiles brilliantly at him, eyes that scream I told you so. Despite having Kyouka in his arms, despite how happy she's alive, a part of him looks over at Dazai and wonders what it's like to be in his arms.
At the age of 18, something is starting to happen and Atsushi isn't quite sure of what's going on.
Just before his 19th birthday, the Armed Detective Agency along with Port Mafia were able to apprehend the virus-ability user Pushkin and the mastermind Fyodor.
Although victorious, Atsushi remembers the promise Akutagawa makes him.
Promise you won't kill anyone for 6 months
Deal.
As he sits in his bathtub, his head against the tile and the water warm and quiet around him, Atsushi remembers how he felt. Akutagawa was always ahead of him, in every step of the way. Including... his relationship with Dazai. He sinks further into the warm waters, ignoring the bubble foam drifting closer to his cheeks and closes his eyes. Something akin to... something rises in his chest when he thinks about Akutagawa and Dazai's relationship. So he starts to guess at this something:
It's like when ... when that one boy, Yuukio?, from the orphanage that lied to the headmaster and blamed him for not cleaning up in the study. Anger, as he recalls, and betrayal. But nothing to what he's feeling now.
It's like when... he and Kenji were surrounded by a bunch of miscreants after desecrating their sanctuary and asking (accusing?) them of setting off the car bomb. Fear? He questions, but it still doesn't sound right as he's been used to fear since the day he's been born.
It's like when... the President had offered him a confection that was given to him by the local flower shop. Atsushi had immediately thanked him, trying to politely decline but the President pushed and he ended up taking it and eating it whole, a mix of white chocolate and green tea mixed nicely in his mouth. Before he could say it was good, he felt a distinct glare over his shoulders as the President walked away. Ranpo... was visibly glaring at him.
"Ah, don't worry about him," Yosano waves. "He's just jealous that you got the candy before he did".
Atsushi, who was close to falling asleep, dips down further into the water and splurts out the excess as he inhales sharply at the sudden realization. Kyouka knocks worriedly and Atsushi tries to reassure her.
Just before his 19th birthday, Atsushi realizes that he is jealous of Akutagawa's relationship with Dazai... and that .... he doesn't want to share him with anyone.
The night of his 19th birthday, Atsushi curls into a ball as he realizes that he's in love with Dazai.
He makes a notable effort to bury those feelings.
Because nothing good can come out of it.