Archive of Our Own

Jonah hates-

Hates not knowing something, especially if it concerns him.

Which is why the news of people finding letters from his parents, more specifically his mother in current times, pisses him off greatly. Peter is no help and just tells him that is no big deal.

“I mean Elias, what could she have possibly written that could be so bad? How the weather was terrible and all her friends were slowly dying of poisoning?” He shoots him an irritated look that makes the man grin at him and chuckle at his affronted face. Peter knows he hates the digs at his age and origin, the bastard.

When he picks up Captain and cuddles him while holding eye contact with the other man, Peter backs off and pouts at the betrayal. The cat purrs at him and bites his finger lightly. 

“Good kitty” Still, Elias has several ideas and none of them make him happy at all. The ambiguity about Jonah Magnus origins are something he is proud of, and if she wrote something about it-

His father of course is of no concern, he dismissed him the moment he left and refused to acknowledge him at all. Especially after making an institute for the paranormal. He thinks amusedly that out of everything he did, the man was perhaps more mad about him studying the unusual than… everything else. That shows how little he knew.

His mother… well he is unsure, after he left he did not contact her again, thinking that like his father she would be set against him. He.. did go to her funeral, for all that happened, he did love her. 

She died a year after he opened the Institute.

His father was a piece of work. 

Jonah had been mad at him before, but when he saw the-

Relief.

In his face, it made him furious for reasons that he did not want to go into. His mother, despite how things ended back then, had always been very nice and understanding. Especially with him, even if by the time he left she let him go and could not see him to his eyes.

It stung.

He thought-

Well it didn't matter what he thought, it mattered what it meant. And it meant she did not understand him, could not accept him , just like father.

Yet seeing the man so… seemingly unconcerned about his wife’s passing, it was enough to make him actually yell at him.

Things were said. 

His last comment of how much he looked like her still made him want to shove him. He didn't, not anymore he was himself only-

When no more news comes of the letters, no especulations or questions about Jonah Magnus, he surmises that they must be some letters for her friends or father that were recovered and since she was a Magnus they took them to keep. It was a weight out of his back… even if… he had been curious.

Or well if he were being more honest, hopeful is the word he would use instead. It was not something he wanted to think about, not something he wanted to feel regarding his long gone mother.

Elias goes about the next few weeks as usual, dealing with Gertrude, his staff. Peter being a nuisance but also rather lovely, even if he denies it, by getting him flowers and dinner after a fight.

It brings a small smile to his face.

Its when he checks his emails at work that he sees something unusual.

The museum who had the letters of his mother wished to send them to the institute. Elias looks at it confused, and writes a short reply accepting the offer. 

He does however ask what prompted it, since the institute really only keeps the letters regarding the supernatural, but that anything related to their esteemed creator is welcomed regardless.

The responding message left him rather wrong footed.

They were all letters made for him, but never delivered. He thanks them and asks for them to be taken here to be analyzed and read.

At home he orders food and just-

Tries to imagine his mother writing him letters but never sending them after all those years. Then he muses that the reason why she never delivered them was because she didn't want to actually see him and who he had become.

The next few days before getting the package are spent with lots of questions.

They reach the institute on a friday. Despite the burning need to see, to know from both the eye and himself he takes them home. He wants to read them in peace and uninterrupted.

They were for him after all and he deserves to know, even if what they say may not be to his liking.

Peter is there when he arrives, he tells him that he will be busy in his study and his partner, but not husband at the time nods and shrugs before saying he is making pasta for dinner. After changing and kissing him, which ends up with them making out for 5 minutes he leaves and goes to sit on his desk. Putting on his glasses he opens the first one. They are marked chronologically.

My-

My dear.

It's been a while, i… hope you are doing ok, i heard about a certain gentleman causing quite the stir and from the description, i have to think its you. At least I hope so. You were always such a bright troublemaker I can't think of you as anything else.

I haven't seen you in so long dear and well. 

I'm just happy that you are doing fine. Perhaps one day you may come to visit.

All the love Edith Lenore Magnus.

He lets out a breath. It's… well not what he expected.

Beholding seems to be taking some joy to see him so upset about this whole thing, along with feeding about knowing something no one else did before. He shivers, he doesn't expect much from the letters, probably as Peter said the ramblings of his mother alone with her regrets.

It still feels like he is waiting for the shoe to drop and for her to write a name that has not been his own, that has never fitted him, just like father did in their last encounter.

He did not go to his funeral, but merely to sort the house itself.

My dear.

I hear so many things these days about you, some are nice, others not so much and I worry, like never before for your well being. I won't ask you to change, we did that for too long, but I do wish you to be careful. The last thing I would want is for you to be hurt my child.

I could never bear to see you hurt.

All the love, Edith Lenore Magnus.

Elias blinks a few times and rereads trying to find any hidden meaning, but…. it comes out blank. She was… just worried. She didn't-

Biting his lip until it hurts he is left confused and bereft, this wasn't what he expected.

He lets out a breath and has to put it down a little bit, swallowing down any feeling on the matter he grabs the next one. He must know, his mother was not a complicated woman.

My dear.

Do you remember the family dog? I know it's an odd question, but there is a reason why I ask. You complained about wanting a cat and your father was annoyed at it, a dog can protect the house he said, cats are just lazy he said. 

You were scared by it, afraid it would bite you and asked me to take it away. I could not go against your father and he was, after all, not wrong. The dog could look after the house. Even if I did want a cat as well. 

Yet you were so afraid…

You were not sad when he died since the day before he had bitten you as you predicted. I remember especially that you were not sad, what you were was curious and afraid. He had been 4 years old when he suddenly dropped dead out of nowhere. Your father was more upset, since he had actually loved that dog.

So, I tried to appease you and said that sometimes people or animals die and we just don't know why. Maybe he was ill, maybe his heart was weak or something stung him.

At that age it did not satisfy you, but you accepted it as it was. Then there was the fear that it could happen to you or me as well.

That, i tried my best to make you forget.

But my child, my sweet, sweet child.

You see, I did something I have not done before to you that day.

I lied.

And for that I'm sorry.

All the love, Edith Lenore Magnus.

He-

What? Elias remembers barely so, having a dog, he… doesn remember being afraid of being bitten so that… was actually something that happened.

The memories from his childhood are something he tries to not think too hard on. But even then… 200 years is a long time, so they are also gone partially due to the passage of time.

However what drew his attention was what she wrote at the end.

What did she mean by that? What did she lie about? About not worrying about death? Why did the animal die?

He tries to remember more about it, but the only thing he can recall with clarity was some fear. Did… did she perhaps lie about not knowing why he died? Did his mother kill the dog for him? 

That would not make sense with the image he had of her at all. It nagged at him the possibility that he did not catch onto something being wrong with her. Maybe he did, yet time erased most of it from his mind. But still it doesn't feel right to him.

The door creaks open and a black and white fur-ball comes to bite his socks. With a sigh he puts the letter down and picks up Empress.

He always had a preference for cats, dogs were loud and annoying. Smiling softly he scratches her under her little chin making her purr and lean against his hand. 

Elias was… very confused about the letters, the first ones were not what he was expecting and this one... this one felt odd. It nagged at the back of his mind, like he was missing something important.

Kissing the little cat's head, he lets her curl on his lap and picks up the next one.

My child.

I wish you well, I honestly do. I feel like I have failed you so many times already. The only thing I wanted for you was happiness. But, I was wrong to think you could conform to achieve it.

Did you know I always wanted children? It was one of the few things that set me with joy, the idea of having my own family. I lost mine at a young age and had to live with my cousins instead. I dreamed of having my own family to fill the loss I felt, and later I wanted you to have that too, but you are your own person, I see that now. 

Stubborn and clever and oh what a beautiful sight that must be to anyone else.

So if anything, i wish you find someone to love, someone… who will understand you, or, if i know you still, someone who challenges you.

You would get bored otherwise.

All the love, Edith Lenore Magnus.

Jonah puts it down with more force and decides to read the remaining ones tomorrow. Breathing a little bit more heavily he tries to relax by petting the cat.

First its how it changed, no longer my dear, but my child.

He locks his jaw in place. 

Still her child . God its been so long, he would have expected that by now, this was something that he could just breeze through. He sure as hell had time for it, he is a grown ass man. Not the same twenty something year old terrified of being discovered as a fake, wanting to hear about a mother that he was sure did not want to see him again.

His god is gorging itself on his reactions and on the information, even if it seems innocuous it still brings him grief, and it's enough to delight it.

Jonah-

Elias can't deal with the rest now, its clearly doing him ill to think so much about this now. So with a mounting headache he places the letters neatly in place. Picks up his cat against his chest and lets out a breath while swinging her like a baby and cooing to distract himself from what is really bothering him.

He goes to the living room.

Peter is resting on the couch watching a train documentary. Elias snorts.

A challenge huh?

Once he drops Empress on him, Peter complains and groans but ultimately grabs his wrists to push him to fall on top of him.

He stays there annoying him about facts he knows and the man refutes him gleefully, it makes him grin. His body relaxes further. He is content like this.

Three cats and a husband who comes and goes, but ultimately always ends up back with him, even after all these years, even after all the fights and a complete change of face.

Peter is not a challenge, but he likes to challenge him , even if its dumb. Even if its about what they are having for dinner or what he should wear for the Institute's annual celebration.

He would not have picked him back then as Jonah, but now? Now he can. Now he does when he is feeling particularly fond of the scruffy sailor.

Elias picks up the letters again the next day, Peter was out and it was him and the cats. This time Duchess was napping on the desk.

He has come to terms with who he was, who he is and what he wants in life.

This is… unexpected, but its perhaps something he needs to hear, or well read. Even if its almost 150 years too late. Taking a calming breath he starts reading again.

My child.

Jonah is a lovely name isn't it? I recall telling you how much I loved it, but I never told you the reason why.

It was your uncle's name, he died when he was seventeen and I was merely thirteen, I could never recover from his loss. He got ill, but he could never get better and it took his life too soon.

I always wanted to have a son so I could name him after him and keep his memory alive somehow, to keep the brother I remember alive anyways. 

I think It fits you well, I'm happy you use it with such pride. I keep hearing more and more about Jonah Magnus whenever I go to meet up with my friends and they ask me about you and I just say the nicest things, it is after all not a lie. Even if details have to be muddled for your discretion.

And its so nice to be able to hear about you, even if it's by other people's accounts.

Your father-

Well, Mister Magnus is himself. I swear James gets more grumpy every day, he didn't use to be like that. I do believe it's my fault, he always wanted to have lots of childrens, probably… more boys, but with how much it took for me to have you  it was obvious I did not have the constitution to bear more without killing me.

Well except for your… sister.

… I do hope you are well my dear. I do love you, you know? And I understand why you will not come back. I do. 

So with that in mind I wish you quite the best.

All the love, Edith Lenore Magnus.

He is clenching the paper, so with care he puts it on the desk.

No need to get it destroyed, this is meant to be kept safely.

Elias didn't know… he thinks he forgot about her telling him. It must have been such a small thing and yet he… well. 

He wanted to start anew from scratch, perhaps its why it called so much to him. Still, his mother never spoke about her family, he remembers as much, told him they died when she was young.

So he was never aware that he had an uncle.

It also… sets something unexpectedly tender in his chest to read about her saying it fits him and is glad he used it with pride. He was Jonah Magnus, he started his own institute from scratch, carved his own name in history, served beholding and did the watchers crown.

He did all of that on his own.

Still the last part… she kept to it. To the story he means.

Its-

He didn't expect her to care, or perhaps it was for her sake? But no, she wrote before that she worried about him being talked about for his own safety. His mother did not understand him, but she did care…

At least it seems like it, however it did not erase what happened before.

And yet.

He lightly touched the letters on the paper. Too little too late he thinks, but… it is nice to know it even after all these years. With a little bit more energy he picks up the next one. Wanting to devour what was left of the letters.

My child.

I do love your father, I must start with that. We married because of love and for a long time things were fine, we were happy. But things change, not to say i do not care about him anymore, but its obvious we drifted apart. 

I think he knew from the moment I could hold you after you were born, that he realized I loved you more than I could ever love him.

He does care, in his own way. And I was fine with his attitude about plenty of things, but if there is one thing that perhaps made a wedge was how to take care of you.

James wanted to be colder, I was the opposite, but I had a duty and well. I tried my best with what I could do dear.

You must resent me, of that i am sure, and despite how it hurts i understand. 

In a better world I would have picked you up and took you with me somewhere else, but alas that is not the case. 

What I'm trying to say is that I love you, always have.

No matter how different you grew up to be from what I thought, no matter your ideas or plans or…. well many things that cannot be discussed by letter, less someone with less care finds them and uses them against you.

I would hate to be the one to ruin the life you have made for yourself.

I grieved for something I realize I never lost. For that and for many things more, for any slight I have done that I can't recall, I apologize. I will never expect you to forgive me and honestly I do not want to. I would rather be held accountable for my own grievances.

All the love, Edith Lenore Magnus.

He hesitates this time with the paper, but eventually settles it down. The room is quiet but for the sound of his own breathing and the light purrs of Duchess. 

There is something to be said about the feeling of being peeled and scrapped raw.

Elias has to swallow down and blink several times.

It does not change things, it doesnt change the damage that has been done. It cant merely even scrape away the things his father said and that she let happen, despite her kind words.

It just doesn't take away the hurt.

But.

It also does make him feel a little bit better, and damn him for it.

He had always loved his mother despite the circumstances, she helped to nurture his desire for knowledge behind his fathers back, was kind and understanding when she could. Inflexible when she needed to. Her mother was a fairly normal woman that worked with what she had, but ultimately she had been nothing but kind.

Even if it wasn't enough.

But she… came around, cared about his reputation, to keep him safe even after years of not talking or seeing him.

His mother loved him. That, despite how much he tried to bury it, was a truth he could never truly hide.

This was just proof.

He did not forgive her, but he could appreciate her better and… know that he still meant a lot to her.

How surprising that even after all these years he can still feel something akin to human. Only one of the very few people he cared enough about was able to make him feel like this.

How nostalgic.

He hears the door open. He sighs, one more and he will help Peter with the groceries.

Jonah.

I… managed to see you, from afar truly, but I saw you. It was like seeing a ghost.

You look just like your uncle.

If Catherine had not been with me helping me shop, I would have probably fainted thinking I was seeing the dead.

That would be something I suppose. Seeing the dead.

Perhaps another reason why your father was so resentful with you and your.. sister, was due to you both looking like my side of the family over his. You have your uncle's eyes dear.

Funny how sometimes the things we lose can come back in unexpected ways huh?

But I digress, you looked so…. lively! So radiant and more than anything happy.

Far more than you were at home, for a long time I think.

The haircut suits you, and green? Definitely your color. You must be breaking hearts all over, do try to not get trapped in a scandal, more for you than for anything else. You looked very handsome and boyish my dear, heads must turn when you walk.

Miss Bennet tells me her son is getting along with you well and “Oh, Edith, how could you have not let them play as childrens!! Kept him away this long, hidden away in some boarding school” 

Honestly, her sons and daughter are a delight, but she is quite possibly the most overbearing woman I have met. Surprised they got to be so well mannered.Still if you are hanging out with Barnabas do be careful dear, he has always worn his  heart on his sleeve, was always sweet with your… sister. So try to not play too rough with him. Or well do. Its really up to you.

Oh if i told you about my youth before meeting your father, I would spend more time with the girls than with boys. And women get to be more free between each other, it was a different kind of closeness that I felt and it left me… a little bit ashamed at the time, but it was not something I regret. I had fond memories of past summers. I believe that besides your father… Perhaps Marianne was the person I cared for the most.

Anyways. I just wanted to say you look well and I'm happy for you.

All the love, your mum.

This one leaves him with something stuck on his throat and also with the very normal disgust of anyone who hears about their parents' flings in the past.

Like his uncle huh? A wobbly smile. He cursed looking like his mother for a long time, not being able to share more of his father's looks, but later in life he realized that it was for the best. He despised the man and he was more than happy to piss him off. But to know he looked like his uncle?

That was… quite the thrilling feeling.

Even 6 bodies later he can still feel the type of euphoria for such compliments. What a nice gift.

Still he -

Did not expect his mother to like women, if that was what she was telling him. He manages to snort through his clogged throat. The surprises never end, he reckons.

Green was his color, had always been, and… he was very handsome wearing it, he made heads turn just like she said. But he did as he wished to, it was exhilarating when Jonah discovered that, when he had enough control over himself to pull it off. To get what he wanted with a word and a smile.

To bring people in, with his mind, his wit and with a nice face to go with.

Fond memories. 

Mm perhaps he should re read a few other letters later, he is feeling nostalgic.

The mention of Barnabas makes him feel an ache, poor sweet Barnabas. His first friend and love-

Elias hears things being moved and music from the kitchen. The song makes him lift the corner of his mouth in honest delight. Someone is being awfully sappy today it seems. 

With a smile he puts the things away. Tomorrow was sunday and he had to finish, the letters had to be taken to the institute to be properly taken care of on monday, he couldn't delay it anymore.

Peter grins when he sees him and Elias helps him finish while he joins in singing. It was the song they heard on their first marriage honeymoon.

Things escalate and they end up slowly dancing in the kitchen to the piña colada song. While he tells the man how awful off tune he is. Peter laughs at his affronted face and kisses him.

Two more weeks and he is going to leave for 8 months. He is definitely buttering up to him a lot, he wonders if he will get a new ring before the taller man goes.

Elias hopes so.

Finally on Sunday morning he goes to read the last two, he drinks his coffee that he stole from the kitchen and goes for it.

My dear Jonah.

Do you remember asking about your grandparents when you were a child? 

Whenever we went to visit your father’s parents, you would always ask me why we never went to see mine.  The answer was simple, they passed away, it made you curious about them. It made you ask many questions that I…

I could not bring myself to tell you just as I could not speak about my brother. It hurt a lot, but perhaps not for the reasons I implied to you to make you stop. 

Another questions i have is:

Do you remember when you fell into the frozen lake?

You had nightmares long after it happened, long after you got better that horrible winter.

I have been afraid, truly afraid very few times. That time it almost seizes my heart. I don't think I could have lived long if you had died back then, the sadness would have taken me early.

The constant fever and coughs, the doctor saying that you wouldn't make it due to your weak constitution. It burned to hear it, it made me angry. I would not lose you too, I refused to. So I kept myself next to you the entire time, ensuring that you made it.

Your father-

I have only ever screamed at him three times in our marriage and that had been the first. It was also the first and only time he slapped me.

Oh he regretted it, could never look at me afterwards, James is many things, but that had been too much and he knew it. I knew it was due to stress, he was also upset about you being sick, about me wasting away next to you. I did not forgive him and he knew me well enough to know that. That was I think the beginning of us drifting apart. 

As i said i still do love him, and i know he loves as well. But never like it had been.

I hope if you ever meet someone that you can keep things interesting, that you don't get tired of each other. Oh how dreadful that must be.

But I ramble, you were the most afraid, I remember that clearly as if it had been yesterday. You were afraid of dying, you were so young and already felt the terror that so many adults feel well into their years.

I don't think that fear ever left you, you were always so bright and willing to explore, but afterwards you became far more careful, more willing to let others try first to see if anything could happen. Your father thought it was making you less of a wild thing and more of a proper (scratched out) gentleman. I knew it was not as such.

I should have looked better that day but I got distracted for just a second, a stupid bloody second. There was a spider on my hand and by the time I killed it you were already down.

And I thought that I was going to lose someone I loved again.

You lived, thankfully. But-

I do think that was when things started to go wrong for me, or perhaps they always were but I only admitted it after that.

Still all the love, mum.

He-

….

Jonah pinches the bridge of his nose and breathes counting to ten.

This letter was-

He just doesn't-

…..

He shivers thinking about the lake, he had been thirteen when he fell into the water, the illness afterwards, the terror of being so close to death- That did follow him as she said, it followed and never left him.

His mother yelling…. he can't even picture it, even less yelling at his father. He regrets not making the man even more miserable the last time he saw him, regrets not hurting him more with his words. Or hell even his fists. The mere idea of him even hurting her….

It sets his blood boiling.

Then there is the first part, what did she mean? She has been implying something constantly through all the letters, something more that she keeps being vague about and its really making him want to know what it is. Why ask him those specific questions?

The dog, his uncle, his grandparents and the lake.

The only thing in common is death, but what does that even have to do with-

Something ticks, something in the back of his brain is grasping at the deeper meaning behind the letters and he does not like it one bit. Does not want to conceive the actual reasoning behind them.

Death chases you down.

He swallows, no. 

Its merely speculation there hadn't been anything too out of the ordinary, his mother just lost her family early, the dog could have died of anything and he himself lived.

Jonah lived.

His pulse started to slowly go down again, he did not notice when it picked up.

But there was also the spider.

He recalls her turning around to do something while he was trying to slide on the ice for fun, his mother got distracted killing a spider.

Either there is something else going on, or it was just a coincidence. If it is just that and he starts to overthink he would be giving power to the mother of puppets over him. But if not… why? Why would the web intervene? Why let him almost-

His jaw is locked in place.

Elias can't make up his mind about what to think and there is only one letter left for him. So he grabs it intending to finish this once and for all, to be able to push it all away again. 

However the first sentence of the letter already makes something curl inside of him. In both fondness and yearning. Then the actual content of it hits him and fills him with dread.

My dear Jonah.

(Tear drops)

I heard the news of the institute you opened, congratulations!!! The Magnus Institute it's a wonderful name.

Your father is more upset about you opening an institute about the paranormal than about anything else and that is… very him.

My little firebug always wanting to know more. Always asking me for stories and I gave you as many as I could. Do you remember that? You would cling to my skirts and ask me to tell you tales of all kinds.

But the ones you liked best were the scary ones. After, you would be terrified of the monsters but I would tell you that none of that is real and that you were safe with me and you would calm down.

But my dear, i… lied.

There are awful things in this world. I just didn't want to admit it. Didn't want to see it, always tried to make an excuse. However some things are inevitable, despite how much we want the opposite.

I'm not going to give you these letters, not because I don't want to see you or read your answers, but because I can't. That small glimpse I got from you was not enough, but it will have to do my dear Jonah. 

You were always too curious, and a good mystery would draw your attention, especially if it's something you expected to know and dear, i'm sorry to say this, but you have never known me, not really. I don't think even your father does.

My dear Jonah, my beloved son, you always loved stories, so I'm giving you a final one.

Just for the two of us ok? One last time.

Open the music box, you know which one.

With love Mum.

He traces the tear drops. Elias knows which one she means.

When his father died and he got to the house to sell it, the one thing he picked up to remember his mother by, was an old music box that she used to sing along for him.

Its in the apartment.

No matter the years or the bodies, he always kept it. The… only piece of his childhood he wanted to treasure. Along with the memories it brought forth.

So he gets up and starts to look for it.

It was safely tucked away in a drawer.

The music box was old, but it was rather well kept. Elias looks it over, the thing is, this particular one had a small secret latch. He just never thought about opening it, never expected his mother to hide anything in it after he left.

With shaky fingers he pressed the hidden button to open it. He sees it unlock and inside there was a letter.

He breathes in and out.

The last one huh?

Beholding has a laser focus and he knows even without opening it, that it has a statement inside. A very old and never known statement.

His mouth can't decide between a hungry smile or a grimace.

Because for the first time in what would be considered a long, long time, he is not sure if he really wants to know.

But at the same time-

Jonah truly never knew his mother did he?

And the thing about being wrong, is that he also wishes to know why.

So he carefully opens it and starts to read his mothers statement.

My son.

My beautiful bright son, you found it, I'm not sure how long this would take, but I'm glad.

I tried my best through the years to live a normal life, to let the past rest and try to not think about it. But it's hard and sometimes it chases you in a never ending race.

You opened an institute for the supernatural. No one would have believed me back then, I am happy that there is a place people like me can go and say what happened to them. I'm very proud of you, my clever boy.

I promised you a story, the last story I will ever give if my suppositions are correct. 

So, my beloved son, this time I'm telling you everything. 

It all started during the fall of my thirteen birthday I think in retrospect. Things were quite normal, my parents and brother were preparing for a party in my honor. But you see I was quite the curious thing too, so while they were busy I sneaked out to explore near the woods in our summer house. 

The woods had some elm trees mixed about and during that time of the year they were all losing their leaves, so I walked along the trail, jumping on the mounds of leaves, in one of them a spider crawled out startling me. 

It had rained for a few days before so the earth was muddy and due to the shock my foot got stuck on a root and I couldn't keep myself from falling due to the terrain.

It's why I slipped and fell.

The creature scuttled away and I was left on the ground calming down.

When I got up, all dirty, worried about making mum and dad angry, I realized the quiet. Before I could hear birds and small animals move, but suddenly it was deadly quiet. Not only that, but… the root I stepped on? It was from one of the Elm trees next to me, however this one was…. black. Which I found very odd. 

As a child it did not frighten me as it should have, the silence and odd colored root. So I merely got up to try and go back, that's when something fell in front of me from a tree branch.

Stepping back I realized what it was with actual mounting dread, a dead bird.

I was about to run back when suddenly more birds collapsed around me dead on the spot. 

I screamed and ran back. 

My parents saw me all muddy and scared and reprimanded me thinking I was making up stories to cover up for ruining my dress. My brother tried to calm me down later, saying it was probably a mistake, but I refused to budge on it.

So Jonah told me we could go together to prove to me that there was nothing there.

I'm afraid that was my second mistake.

We went there and at first it was as he said, the birds were gone. I was completely devastated, because it wasn't my imagination. I did see it so I cried and Jonah tried to console me. He wasn't mean about it, my brother had always been kind to me, he tried to say that maybe i did see one dead bird, but that the leaves of the tree fell and i thought it was more dead animals.

I tried to deny it, but he merely hugged me and told me that we should go back.

Its when we were heading back that it happened, Jonah was holding my hand so we wouldn't slip, but when he stepped forward-

We heard a crunch.

Not the one of a broken branch, the kind you only hear when someone breaks a bone. We stopped and he stepped back. What he stood on was a dead bird, but what actually made the hairs of my neck stand was the black thing pouring out of it, then I realized that it was moving.

I was not able to see what it was, I think my dear brother did, because he gripped my hand and ran.

But the damage was already done.

He got sick out of nowhere. The doctors had no idea why or what it was, my parents either, my brother assured me that he would be fine. Jonah smiled through all of it. When his veins turned black he smiled, when his skin became paper white and rashes started to appear he smiled.

When he died during the night and appeared on the base of my bed to stare at me down, he smiled.

(Tear drops)

He did not leave until the sun came about and I could not move for fear that he would catch me.

But the thing is, I wasn't afraid of the illness. I was always afraid of him dying, even when by the end he was no longer my brother. 

What used to be him made a quiet motion to his lips before leaving my room in the look of somebody else. Someone else to let death take them with.

What struck me with terror was the knowledge that after that I would not see him again. That I was not going to see any of them again. I wept all morning while my parents screamed around the house until there was only silence. I saw all of them through my window walking calmly to the woods and knew they were not alive anymore.

I managed to catch the glimpse of something black, almost like veins pulsing on the ground near the entrance of the forest.

Later in life I would realize what it was that my brother saw, what that thing I saw was. They were the roots of the elm tree, I didn't know it then, but I would read about it years later how they were supposed to signify death.

I always feared for the people I held dear dying and that fear followed me through the years. It would end up burrowing into my heart like those awful dead roots.

This is why you never met your grandparents or heard about your uncle.

I ended up having to go to the house closest by and tell them my family disappeared. They called authorities, investigated, but no one found them. Afterwards I went to live in the city with my aunt and cousins and refused to step foot into the wilderness.

A funeral was held. No bodies of course, but I knew they were long gone.

Nothing happened afterwards for many, many years, or at least I pretended it didn't. 

If I knew the smell of death better than most, if I got the acute feeling that someone old would die soon I merely shrugged it off. Your father made it easier for me to forget, happiness and love let me get away from the fear I lived with.

Then of course the third incident.

(Tear drops) There is… a very specific reason why it was so surprising that you were born, my little miracle. Six years before I had you, I got pregnant for the first time, managed to reach 5 months, but… the child died.

That day I suddenly had such horrible pain and spasms wreck my body, I thought I was dying myself. Sometimes I think part of me did, just like part of me was gone with my family all those years ago.

I lost the baby along with all of your other siblings afterwards. And every time-

A single dead bird would be found before each tragedy. It seems they never left me from that day in the forest.

Omens of death would keep me company for years to come.

Yet my surprise when nothing happened with you-

I don't think I can put into words the feelings of pure relief I felt, I couldn't describe it accurately. The pregnancy was hard, don't misunderstand, but you- You were alive and healthy. And I knew I would love you more than anything in this world.

I still had those premonitions of sorts, but it was unimportant as long as you were ok. Even when i-

… The dog, you remember right? 

It did bite you, and you cried and cried into my arms.

The next morning it was dead, not by my own hands, but I think it was because of me. And I lied to you dear about death, about not fearing it. 

Now you must understand this: A parent's love is something fierce my dear. Or at least it was to me, after so much loss, so much death. What scared me the most was seeing those I love gone, my own death was unimportant by that point.

Which is why things happened the way they did next.

You fell into the lake and got ill, but I don't think you understand how sick you were. How close you were to not making it. Your father saw you as a lost cause. But I already lost so much in life, I was not willing to lose more.

To lose you.

So I held you and cried and had that horrible feeling…

But as if by magic, I knew exactly what to do. So I dried my tears and during the night I left under the cover of darkness to do what was needed to do. I saw spiders crawling like a river next to the house of the neighbour.

Oh dear, I will spare the details. But if the son of the family next to ours suddenly… died and you got better my light. Then it's no one's business but mine. I will never regret it, I don't think I can and the price… well that was mine to pay dear.

Maybe you could have made it on your own, maybe it tricked me, but things became slowly worse for me. Soon it wasn't just a feeling, I could see who was going to die, it started small, but the more time and years that passed it was obvious that that grew along with my terror.

It's why I did not fight you when you left. Not because I didn't love you or thought you less even if… I didn't understand at first. But because I realized that soon I would be able to tell the time for you and your fathers deaths.

And no mother wants to know that about her child.

When I caught that glimpse of you as I said, it was like seeing a ghost, now you can understand why.

Jonah dear, you truly look like the perfect mirror of your uncle if he had lived. It makes me both happy for you and sad for not being able to see him grow old too because of me.

To not be able to see you turn into such a gentleman.

That also made me realize something that I had refused to see too, that… i knew but i was hoping it wasn't true. Your father has grey hairs, and all of my friends that are the same age as me have them too, spots in the skin, wrinkles, people age and die.

But dear.

I'm not aging as I should. My skin is as fair as ever, there is not a single grey hair upon my head, I look remarkably young.

You father sometimes looks at me and i-

He is afraid, I can tell, I know . I look just like I did when I killed the child of the neighbours to save you. My skin has gotten colder and I was always pale, but it's more than that now dear.

This is the last letter I will write for you.

I hope you don't come to my funeral. I hope I have given you enough reasons to not come, even if they hurt you.

But more importantly, I hope beyond hope that I don't wake up after it.

This was my story, and I hope it serves you well.

I always wanted a son and I am sorry that I could not see you turn into the man you grew up to be. I'm glad you found yourself in life in all the ways that matter. 

The only thing I wish for you dear is to live and If the things I hear lately about the institute and what happens to some people that go to it are true, then I think you found your own way to do it my child.

I did get to see you that day dear, even if I shouldn't have. I do wonder what the future looks like, I hope it treats you kindly. 

I'm sorry that I do not wish to join you, but I'm not sure if I can control myself. You see Jonah, even if it was a glimpse. Even if i was far away-

I could tell you were still afraid of death, maybe even more than before. That you never stopped being afraid of it my son.

And I am hungry, I have been for years since you left. I live with the scraps of your father’s terror and the neighbours. It gnaws at my bones, the terrible hunger, but I keep it to myself with a smile and a blank stare. I look like a never aging painting, but it really is just hiding the ugly inside of me.

I do not think I could contain myself and hurting you is perhaps the worst thing I can think of doing.

And besides….

I saw them again, Jonah dear. Through my window into the alley in front of the house. All three of them were waiting. I would rather go on my own terms, or if push came to shove, to not be taken by them. Arrangements were made.

I apologize for not being with you, for not doing more.

For mourning, you were always so perfectly you. It was idiotic to think otherwise.

I only have a wonderful son that I love more than anything, more than life itself.

I wish you success and that you find happiness and someone to keep you company when the world is hard and difficult. I would adore to meet them if I had the chance.

Now, finally and for the last time. Goodbye Jonah, may you get everything you want in life. 

Your mother Edith Lenore Magnus who has loved you unconditionally.

…

…

On monday he takes the letters except for the one he found. That one he keeps for himself.

During the week he has time to think, about he past, about misunderstandings, about having been so close to the thing that terrorized him the most and yet-

His mother loved him so much she would rather die than hunt him for it. She would rather lock herself in a prison of her own making to keep him safe.

Its… a lot. 

After reading it he found himself sitting with droplets falling from his eyes. He doesn't even remember the last time he had ever cried. Peter chose that moment to enter to ask him about lunch and saw of course.

The lonely is not ideal for comfort, not one bit, especially for sailors who leave for most of the year.

And yet he found himself being wrapped in a blanket and having his not yet husband keep close while their cats snuggle them on the bed. He closed his eyes and let the man kiss his forehead and rub awkwards shapes on his back.

He does not mention any shaking or possible sobs, because that would be ridiculous. Jonah hasn't cried in years and he wont start now. Not for this or about his mother.

Lying has been something he is well practiced at, even more so if it's about lying to himself.

He is tired during that week.

But by the time the next weekend rolls around he knows what to do.

Peter tags along.

The cemetery was nice and it was empty with only the two of them in front of an old grave.

His mother was next to the one of his “sister” his father insisted on making.

A small breeze.

“Do you think…” He doesn't need to see, to know what he is about to ask. “If she was an avatar do you think she is still there?”

And-

Jonah doesn't know.

“I'm not sure” His husband, since he did ask again three days ago, plays with his own scarf and looks down at the ground with a somewhat cheerful smile.

“Can’t you check?”

“...” He can’t.

“It's buried and dark, plus the end. it's.. complicated”

“Mm” Its quiet there.

“If she is… should we do something?” He thinks of the letter, thinks of her wanting to keep him safe and be herself to the last moment.

“I don't… think she would have wanted me to” And it feels right.

Peter hums and turns slightly towards him, sighing he takes off his scarf and wraps it around his neck letting him feel the warmth and the smell of his cologne.

“I will wait around. I think i saw a man walking around and he felt lonely”

Then with a distorted sound he is gone. Elias places the flowers on the grave, he sees it has the small bell tied to it in case there is a wrong burial, that was so common back then.

Being here makes him feel weird. 

Something seizes him, a need to do something. After all those letters… he has to, even if its talking to nothing.

“That was my husband, mother dear, we fight, but… I like him. He keeps me entertained, far more than most and he also is a secret softy, that also makes him endearing despite his inclinations towards his own patron. A secret if you will? I do think I'm more fond of him than most. I will be sad to see him go when the time comes” He hesitates.

“I do love you, and I did figure out how to survive, I suppose that's what you saw. I… don't forgive the things that happened, but in a better world, perhaps we could have kept in touch, could have… would have been nice to be able to share with you the things that i saw and learned” Its quiet and the bell remains in place.

“I do have to thank you, for everything you did to keep me alive, for loving me enough to do what you did. I can't imagine doing that for someone. But… I admire it” He lets out a breath.

“I'm glad to be your son. Goodbye mo- mom” He gets up. Once he starts to walk away he hears the bell ring twice and stop. Slowly he looks back and blinks.

“...Mom?” Its silent and when he thinks he imagined it-

It sounds once.

He takes a breath.

“Should I let you-” Twice.

“... oh” A no then.

“... Thank you” There is no more ringing but he swears he can hear humming, very familiar humming. 

“Should I visit again?” It takes longer to get a reply, but eventually a single bell.

“Is that a yes?” A more forceful one makes him grin.

“Now, now mother don't be rude-” He can feel, even under the dark an inkling of amusement.

“Goodbye mom, see you later” 

Bring the husband dear. I want to hear him talk again.

When he walks out to find Peter, he sees on his way several dead birds along with the flowers and grass on the others graves be withered.

His mother was the only one with a perfect look. Always classy, he thinks.

Peter asks, but he shakes his head and kisses his cheek.

Perhaps there is something to be said about family reunions.