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Sometimes, standing up on stage, it felt like no one knew who he really was.
Of course, it was no one else's fault but his own. After all, when you've been in the entertainment industry for as long as Donghyuck has, you start to understand that it's better if people don't know everything about you.
It's better that way.
Yet, sometimes, Donghyuck finds it hard to understand his members too, and he thought he would know everything about them by now.
The panting breaks taken during practice, restless nights and tired eyes and growling stomachs, a pinch of anxiety from wondering when they would finally debut after being displayed as innocent, naive children.
It's common to think that as long as you work hard, your efforts will pay off.
But Donghyuck knows better than that. Sometimes a pretty face and an abundance of luck can get you quite far.
Enter Na Jaemin.
The boy had been scouted by SM entertainment, apparently through doing volunteer work like the angel he was, but Donghyuck suspected Jaemin did things like that to cover his rotten soul that no one could see.
Donghyuck never got pissed off easily. In fact, he was the one pissing people off. Mark's existence was a testament to that.
Yet, seeing pretty boy Na Jaemin strolling into SM headquarters like he didn't give a fuck for being their might've set Donghyuck on edge. Just a tad bit.
It's no secret that you won't survive idol training, especially SM entertainment idol training, if you don't have a shitload of talent, perseverance, charm, and the decency to put hard work.
Yet, there Jaemin is, quiet but unwavering, rebellious to a fault, but in such a way that it doesn't seem obvious. But Donghyuck watches him. The tense line of his scrawny shoulders, the barely concealed eyerolls, the arrogant attitude that this whole idol lifestyle is beneath him.
And honestly, who is Na Jaemin to shit on Donghyuck's dreams?
***
But one day, it all changes. A dreadful, typical monthly evaluation. Some trainees are unfortunately let go of, some trainees scrape by barely, and some trainees like narcassistic Na Jaemin get a fast pass because their face does the hard work. Personality? Donghyuck scoffs. Na Jaemin is above everyone else and only talks to Jeno, the puppy like boy who smiles like every glance from Jaemin is a God given gift.
It makes Donghyuck sick everytime.
But anyway, this month's evaluation is different, somehow. Donghyuck can't pinpoint it, but something in the air has shifted.
It's tense.
A simple, hard-hitting choreography was the assignment, maybe a short singing verse, some rap too.
As always, Donghyuck knows he's got this in the bag. He may be cocky, but for good reason. He knows he worked hard on this. Mark too, his rapping is improving at a rate that makes Donghyuck uneasy, his Korean also catching up spectacularly. A pat to a trainee here. A hair ruffle to a trainee there. A comforting ruffle to a sniffling Park Jisung after a tiny, unnoticeable error that Jisung can't shake off, overwhelmed.
Then there's Na Jaemin, half-assed moves and barely there smirks and dead eyes. It's amazing to Donghyuck how there can be such limited light in such a young boy's eyes. As it is, watching this whole performance disgusts Donghyuck. It pisses him off so much. Donghyuck doesn't understand why, but he knows Jaemin can do much better than that sad, sad, below average display of his skill.
And then it makes Donghyuck angry. At first, Jaemin tried and now he's slacking off and it's such a damn waste, an absolute waste, why is he sabotaging himself? With looks like that and undeniable charm what else could there be to do but just learn a simple choreography? Donghyuck doesn't understand and it's driving him fucking mad and-
"Na Jaemin, I'd like to speak with you afterwards."
Suddenly, it's like a blanket of silence has fallen over the boys. Like an explosion went off, the pin drop silence as one comprehends the situation. Jaemin's faint smirk and dead eyes fall away, furrowed brows and something resembling a glare overtaking his handsome face.
Donghyuck nervously feels himself sweating for the boy. But deep down inside, a wicked sense of glee overtakes Donghyuck.
This looks like trouble for Jaemin, and Donghyuck believes this blow to Jaemin's pride, to be delivered by a staff member who had once been nameless but now takes to the forefront of Donghyuck's mind as a righteous hero, will bring a tweak of justice at least to this saturated idol industry. Restoring Donghyuck's crumbled faith that hard work and talent will eventually overtake a pretty, cocky smile and an arrogant attitude.
Donghyuck doesn't realizing he's smiling as Jaemin bows his head and walks away from the centre of the evaluation room, but Jaemin watches him, all the way through the end of the monthly evaluation until only he and the female staff member are left to discuss Jaemin's lackluster performance.
***
As it is, in the present day, Donghyuck finally gets his answer for the way Jaemin had been, as they sit around a campfire for their souls to be laid out by psychologists. But Donghyuck doesn't excuse Jaemin's past behaviour. And neither does Jaemin ever really get over Donghyuck's subtle hostility in the beginning. Not that it really matters now, anyway.
Not after countless hours in practice rooms, sweating miserably together and easily irritable attitudes and long schedules and restless nights and anxiety.
Donghyuck's learned a lot about himself and the other members. But lately, he wants to know more about the introverted boy who doesn't say much, vague answers never seeming to reveal even a sliver of his true personality underneath.
He's funny to Donghyuck, a puzzle Donghyuck can't quite figure out.
Yet, he lets Donghyuck see bits of him sometimes, and Donghyuck thinks that it's worth it to know more about the boy who had dreamed of healing many people once upon a time with surgeon hands and who now heals Donghyuck every night as he kisses Donghyuck to sleep fondly, gentle hands who hold Donghyuck's exhausted form and aching bones, allowing Donghyuck to be close to him after all this time.