Chapter Text
She was in his arms, dazed with everything that had occurred in the last several minutes. Her glasses were foggy and face wet with tears. This was not how she had expected things to go.
“But I mean nothing to him”
She came back to her own and extracted herself from his frame, the look of surprise never leaving her face. “Gyosunim,” she spoke softly and carefully. “I don’t understand. You kissed me. We-we just kissed. How…? Do you… but you never cared for me as anything but a resident! Ottokke…I just don’t...”
“Gyeoul-ah. I’m so sorry,” he said, eyes welling up again. “It is not true. I have cared for you as more than a resident. I don’t know when it started, but it has been a long time.” His tears now decided to map their way down his cheeks.
“But, Gyosunim, I never got the slightest inkling. You were so cold to me for so long. I thought you never forgave me for talking to that child’s mother the way I did. I tried so hard to learn and be better. But it seemed like I was out of your good graces permanently.” Now her tears were making a reappearance too.
“Being cold to you was the only way I could safeguard myself. I had a dream since I could remember. A dream that would make everyone unhappy. But it was so dear to me that I never wanted to give it up. Yet, for many reasons I did, and I’d be lying if I said that you’re not one of them.”
“Mwo? You gave up your dream of becoming a priest?”
“De.”
“When? And why?”
Jeong-won sighed. This was his chance to speak his mind- a moment he had been waiting for but didn’t know how to create. “Can we please sit?”
She nodded.
He led Gyeo-ul towards the chair at the centre table and sat down on the one next to her after removing his coat. Unwilling to keep her at a distance now, took hold of both her hands.
“I was supposed to go to Italy this weekend. But I told them that I wouldn’t. Three weeks ago.”
“Three weeks! Why didn’t Ik Jun gyosunim tell me anything?”
“That is because he doesn’t know. No one does. I didn’t tell anyone.”
“Why? I have been- I mean- we have been dreading your departure.”
Jeong-won smiled. “Because,” he said, palming her cheek, “I wanted to tell you first.”
“But I mean nothing to him”
“Me?”
“Gyeoul-ah, thank you. Thank you for coming to me today.”
“It had to happen today of all days, it’s a sign,” he looked down and smiled at the thought.
“There are things you should know, and I need to tell them now. I know I don’t deserve your affection. I never treated you well and kept you at a distance. Well, at least I tried to. But, over time, I realized how terribly I was failing at curbing my feelings for you. It started with realizing that it hurt when I saw sadness in your eyes every time I was cold or indifferent to you. I couldn’t understand why I felt that way. I thought that my sudden interest in you came out of seeing that you’re a great resident with a lot of potential. I began to respect you and regret the way I treated you at the start. I felt I needed to make up for it. As your professor, I thought I could teach you and help you in reaching your potential. I have always worked on my own and thought that I could do it all. But I let you assist me in surgeries, and we worked so well together. Before I knew it, I was automatically reaching out to you to assist me. Part of me felt proud that I had made up for my poor behaviour. The other part tried to hide the fact that I was hoping you would work with me more. I was unwilling to see that it was no longer about teaching you but increasingly about spending time working with you. In a way, without realizing, I started leaning on you. And then I noticed the change in the way you dealt with guardians. I thought my chest would burst with pride when I saw Jae-won’s mother hugging you. As time went on, my respect for you kept growing. What also grew alongside are my feelings for you. I couldn’t lie to myself anymore and I think it was becoming obvious to my friends too. Concern and respect aside, I felt for you something I had never felt for a woman before. It was strange but mostly scary. Gyeoul-ah, being a surgeon is the most important thing for me. I know that is God’s purpose for me. Becoming a priest would not have stopped me from pursuing the profession. But becoming a priest while having such strong feelings for a woman would have been wrong. I couldn’t do it. So, I told them that I wouldn’t be joining them.
Gyeo-ul looked at him with her mouth half open. “You like me. As in, you like me as a woman?”
“Yes”
Gyeo-ul sat back, covered her mouth with her hand and looked sideways with a far-away look in her eyes. A million thoughts went through her head. Her mind, heart and stomach buzzed with the influx of emotions that were caused by his words. She swallowed once, twice.
“Gyeoul-ah. You’ve been quiet for a while. What are you thinking?”
“I was sure that you would reject me. Just like last time. I came here prepared for that. I wasn’t prepared for THIS.”
Reclaiming possession of her hands, he said, “I know this came out of nowhere. Oh God, what was I thinking when I kissed you? Miane, Gyeoul-ah! Seeing you confess your feelings to someone like me who doesn’t deserve it and hearing you say that it is not your place… I don’t know what came over me. I couldn’t think of another way to tell you that it IS your place. You have every right to tell me to stay because you’re the one who’s keeping me here. Miane Gyeoul-ah. Jeonmal mia..”
Gyeo-ul swooped in and kissed him- a kiss that was softer and more tentative. Pulling back a little, she said, “You said I had the right to ask you to stay. I wanted to confirm if I have the right to kiss you too.” Her face turned a beetroot red as she tried to hide her embarrassment about asking what might sound to him like a very silly question. But she needed to know.
“Yes, you do.” There it was- the signature Jeong-won smile that she loved but which she had never been a recipient of before. She couldn’t help beaming. This was not the outcome she expected. The outcome wasn’t something she could completely make sense of at the moment. But now was the time to rejoice this ‘Christmas miracle’, as people put it. There would be another time to deconstruct everything that had just happened.
“Gyeoul-ah! You keep getting lost. Talk to me!” he said pulling out his big guns- aegyo and charm.
“Gyosunim, I am very happy. There is so much going on in my head, but I don’t know what to say. I have so many questions but what if they are silly? Gyosunim, I... am inexperienced,” she looked down, worry lining her face. “I have never dated before. I don’t know what it is like to be in a relationship. I don’t know how to act like a girlfriend,” she was now borderline palpitating and looking anxious.
“Hey! It’s my first time too! I’m as inexperienced as you are and I have all these fears too. How about we not think about the way we are supposed to act and just be the way we want to be with each other? Honest and…affectionate, perhaps?” This made Gyeo-ul look down and smile shyly which made Jeong-won feel something- what it was, he wasn’t aware of. But at least he knew that there would be many more ‘feelings’ that he will learn about. The anticipation made him giddy.
“Gyosunim, does this mean that we are in a relationship now?” The innocence in her eyes was pure and unable to contain himself, he moved forward and levelled up to her face. “Yes”
“Does it mean that you’re my namjachingu? This Gyeo-ul would be the death of him. He wondered if she even realised the impact of her cuteness on her newly instated boyfriend. He was reminded of the time they spent in the garden after her first solo surgery and the many questions she had asked. Maybe this was her way of seeking assurance and Jeong-won knew that he was solely responsible for making her think that she needed reassurance when it came to her place in his life. The thought made him guilty, but he decided that he’d never allow her to doubt herself anymore. She needed to fully understand what she meant to him and no matter how long it took, she was going to get all the assurances she needed.
“Yes, and from this day on, you are my yeoja.” What he thought might make her blush even more made her smile wane. “Wae? What happened?”
“Gyosunim, does this mean that you will not lie to me anymore if I ask you to take me out for a meal?” Jeong-won’s heart sank. In the big pile of lies he had told himself, there was a lie that he needed forgiveness for. He had hoped to tell it to her someday in the future when this would become something to be laughed at. But she knew! And God only knows for how long. Which means, she really did have concrete reasons to believe that she would get rejected tonight. His heart went out to her- this wonderful, amazing, brave woman, his 'winter', who had melted his heart.
“Gyeoul-ah. I have been a terrible person to you. I will make up for it with all my heart. I will never lie to you again, I promise.”
“Okay.” The smile was back, this time, one that was cautious but full of relief.
Jeong-won’s phone rang.
“Junwan-ah…..okay…that’s fine. Don’t worry about it. Yah, I’ll manage. Yeah, yeah, see you later. Bye”
“Gyosunim, you were about to leave. You should leave now.”
“But I don’t want to leave yet, Gyeoul-ah. I can stay around.”
“Gyosunim, I'm on the night shift. I’ll have to leave when they call. I’d rather have you sleep at home than wait around for me here. Please.”
Surely everything that happened in the last hour must have been nerve-wracking for her. Jeong-won decided not to insist on staying back and let her collect her thoughts while working the night shift.
“Okay. But I’ll see you during morning rounds, right?”
“Yes.”
“Alright then.” He lingered for a bit before putting on his coat and collecting his bag. “You’ll be okay?”
“Yes, gyosunim,” saying thus, she smiled brightly.
“Okay then.” He started to head towards the door with Gyeo-ul following behind. Before opening the door, he turned around and engulfed her in a hug. “I’m so happy Gyeoul-ah. I don’t feel like leaving you at all. But I’ll see you tomorrow. And then, the day after that. I have so much to look forward to now.”
“I’m happy too, gyosunim. I can’t wait for tomorrow, day after tomorrow and the day after that. I’m really happy.”
Beyond the door was a world that was unaware of the developments that had taken place in this office and stepping out of its boundary involved holding on to this secret until the following days would give them both clarity on how to take the next few steps. Before letting go of her, he kissed her on her forehead, breathed her in, only to unwillingly bring in that distance that was only temporary and promised the beginning of a new journey for them.