Work Text:
REVIEW:
The Cardassian Institute of Art
Anon596762
[1 star]
I tried this program in the hopes it might lift my spirits in a dark hour, and I am sorry to say it failed. The holographic replicas simply do not capture the texture and detail of the originals, and the architecture of the museum was not quite convincing enough to make the walls of the holosuite fade entirely from my awareness. Alas, I think I will have to find a new vice to keep myself entertained.
REVIEW:
Switch Hit with Buck Bokai
BenjaminSisko
[5 stars]
[This post has been hidden for exceeding the word limit on holosuite program reviews.]
REPLY:
Business Owner
Quark
With all due respect, Commander, you and your son are the only people on Deep Space Nine who play these baseball holosuite programs. Nobody needs a thousand-word essay on how fast the little white balls are moving.
REPLY:
LukarasGirl
Ben, you dog!
REPLY:
LukarasGirl
Oops, never mind, just read Quark’s reply. I got completely the wrong impression from the title of that holosuite program.
REVIEW:
Fortune and Felicity
LukarasGirl
[4 stars]
I love the flirting subroutines of the characters in this program. Some holograms completely fail to do subtle when it comes to romances, but the fine nobles of Fortune and Felicity knew just how to tip their hats and wave their fans to make a girl feel appreciated.
The one downside: historical accuracy is great and all, but couldn’t there be a play mode without all those pesky 19th century Earth hang-ups? Lady Castlewood’s daughters were so pretty but I couldn’t do more than play footsie with them before I got run out of the manor!
REVIEW:
The Campaigns of Oliver Cromwell
MilesToGoBeforeISleep
[1 star]
Oliver Cromwell’s army? Seriously? All of the great battles of British history, and you put up a holosuite program of this genocidal shite? Get it out of the catalogue and get some Age of Sail battles in there.
REPLY:
Business Owner
Quark
How am I supposed to know which battles offend your sensibilities? All your brutal Human wars look the same to me. If you’re going to get so worked up about which massacres are fun and which ones are offensive, send me a list of the ones you like.
REVIEW:
Four Wallflowers and a Funeral
JadziaMadeMeDoThis
[1 star]
Didn’t allow me to stab the prince even though he was obviously the villain
REPLY:
LukarasGirl
Nerys, it’s a Regency romance, you can’t just stab the prince!
REVIEW:
The Fertility Festival of Cardassia III
LoveGame
[5 stars]
Finally, an erotic holo-program that allows for some reciprocity! When one receives the attentions of a lover, it just doesn’t feel right not to return the favour, even if it is only a hologram.
I suspect the hyperorgasmic sensitivity of the neck ridges is entirely invented for the sake of the program, but since data on Cardassian physiology is sadly lacking, I can’t be certain. Whether real or fictional, however, it makes the encounter with the fertility priest a delight.
REPLY:
Anon33964
What a studious customer of Cardassian pornography we have here. Allow me to make a suggestion, “LoveGame”: if you intend to make a study of Cardassian anatomy, you might try pursuing more reliable sources of data.
REVIEW:
A Kayak Ride Down Rapid River
MilesToGoBeforeISleep
[5 stars]
The views during the downhill parts are spectacular, and it’s a great group activity with a two-man kayak! Difficulty level five is perfect, just the right amount of challenge.
REPLY:
Odo
I never expected to like this, Chief, but the water does feel very realistic and soothing.
REPLY:
JulianBashir
Miles, as far as the rotator cuff in your shoulder is concerned, it’s difficulty level three that’s perfect.
REVIEW:
The Battle of Klach D'kel Brakt
LukarasGirl
[4 stars]
Great program, SO much fun, love the landslide in the middle of the battle and how it changes the terrain. Can’t we get a harder difficulty mode, though? Worf and I keep beating the game in half an hour.
REPLY:
Business Owner
Quark
Jadzia, you’re killing me here, this is my highest difficulty melee combat program! What more do you want from me?
REVIEW:
Bajoran Altar Babes 3
Curveball
[5 stars]
The way her boobs jiggle is SO GOOD, how did they even do the physics engine on that?!
REPLY:
TheGreatRiver
Change your username, stupid! That’s way too obvious! Do you want to get caught or something?!
REPLY:
BenjaminSisko
Mr. Quark, I suggest you enforce the age minimum for erotic holo-programs if you wish to keep your license to operate on Deep Space Nine.
REPLY:
TheGreatRiver
OH SHIT
REVIEW:
Julian Bashir, Secret Agent
JulianBashir
[5 stars]
My old friend Felix is a prodigiously talented holo-programmer, and he really shows his skills in this holo-novel! All of the spy gizmos and improvised weapons are so much fun, and the settings are full of flash and glitz and romance. The tension always stays high enough to get the blood pumping. I can’t imagine ever getting bored of this program!
REPLY:
JadziaMadeMeDoThis
Could I get the full name and comm address of this “Felix”?
REPLY:
JulianBashir
Now, Major, let’s not get hasty - the transporter accident with your brain patterns was hardly Felix’s fault.
REPLY:
JadziaMadeMeDoThis
It IS Felix’s fault that I had to KISS YOU because every woman in this holo-program has to have a ridiculous “sexy” name and fall in love with you!
REPLY:
JulianBashir
It’s an homage to an historical Earth genre! Back in the time of the secret agent thriller, women were seen differently than they are today.
REPLY:
LukarasGirl
Most historical holo-programs have a play mode with historical prejudices turned off. Now, I find it positively fascinating that Julian here didn’t request that his old friend Felix add that mode to the game. Did Dr. Honey Bare’s helpless fawning make you feel more secure in your masculinity, Julian?
REPLY:
Anon917497
I must concur with LukarasGirl; I found the doctor's passion for the holo-program quite illuminating. I did some research on the historical antecedents to this little adventure, and imagine my shock when I discovered that such a Federation stalwart as Dr. Bashir would identify so strongly with an agency so underhanded and brutal as MI6.
REPLY:
MilesToGoBeforeISleep
The characters were paper thin, the plot was ridiculous, and I saw the twists coming from a mile off.
Still could be convinced to play it again, though, especially with some code upgrades.
REPLY:
JulianBashir
All right, all right, message received. I’ll ask Felix to make some modifications.
REVIEW:
Gang-Bang on Risa
PrinceofLuria
[3 stars]
[This post has been hidden for exceeding the word limit on holosuite program reviews.]
REPLY:
Business Owner
Quark
Morn, while I’m sure the discerning perverts of Deep Space Nine all appreciate your detailed reviews on the accuracy of the different genitals and sexual responses in multi-species erotic holoprograms, could you please keep them to 250 words or less? I’m not made of server space, you know.
REVIEW:
The Ascension of Kai Olani
JadziaMadeMeDoThis
[4 stars]
I was going to come on here to complain that there was no such thing as a Kai taking a consort, much less a Kai taking on another woman as her consort, but I did some research at the Temple of Iponu, and I could hardly believe it - this really did happen 240 years ago. “Historically accurate holoprogram” would seem like a contradiction in terms, but there you go. Really gave me something to think about.
(Except for that tunic Consort Attahr was wearing. Way too low-cut to be historically accurate. I’m taking away a star on my review for that one.)
REVIEW:
The Courtesans of Mars
TheGreatRiver
[4 stars]
EXCELLENT females. Visually stimulating AND attentive. Did not talk back to me. Of course, it’s a Human program, so it does include the Human perversions called “lingerie” and “cunnilingus.”
REPLY:
DS94Lyfe
I cannot BELIEVE that I EVER let you lecture me about “how to treat a female”
REVIEW:
Sacrifice to the Hebitian Gods
ToraZiyal
[2 stars]
The architecture was visually stunning, but this program is pure slander against the Cardassian people! The priests were so cruel and bloodthirsty it made me sick!
REPLY:
Anon20023948
Dear girl, this holosuite program was created by a Cardassian designer.
REVIEW:
The Noble Sport of Speardance
BenjaminSisko
[4 stars]
An aesthetically pleasing and athletically invigorating depiction of the ancient sport, with a wide selection of difficulty levels. However, I would have appreciated an educational mode for outsiders less familiar with Bajoran culture. It took me many playthroughs to realize, for example, that I was getting points deducted for insufficient rituals of courtesy to my opponent.
REVIEW:
Vic Fontaine's Las Vegas Lounge
PlantMama
[2 stars]
I’m going to be honest, I really don’t get what everyone sees in this one.