Chapter Text
Han Ju Won was the man of issues. He got a lot of issues growing up. He had emotion issues since the day he took that step back from his mother. Since then, he had been holding back his emotions, pressing them all down 10 feet under his heart. He didn’t know how to express them in a right way. Therefor, he hurt others’ feelings. He came to a realization that emotions, feelings, relationships were all unnecessary. He didn’t need it. He somehow hated it.
That was the reason why Inspector Han found the fact that Lee Dong Sik got on his nerves and played with his mind was so dangerous. The more he’s with Dong Sik, the more in danger he felt. Because the older man made him feel something. Something that he had never felt before. It was God damn annoying, to be honest. The way he looked at Ju Won with those wise eyes. The way he smirked at Ju Won with those pink wet lips of his. The way he somehow caressed Ju Won intentionally. He drove Ju Won crazy. Ain’t that ironic? How Han Ju Won claimed to hate lunatics, yet he’s slowly losing his sanity? It must be funny. He laughed at himself pathetically.
As if the emotion issue which the top of Police Academy hadn’t figured out yet was not bad enough. Ju Won had another issue of obsession. He’s obsessed with the case, obsessed with criminals, obsessed with the truth, obsessed with justice, obsessed with fairness. Or, to shorten those above, he’s obsessed with Lee Dong Sik. Even after Dong Sik was no longer the suspect, the 27-year-old man couldn’t take his eyes of the 40-year-old man. At first, he thought it might be because of his strange habit back to the day he still wanted to catch Mr. Lee. But lately, he just found himself standing in front of Dong Sik’s house for hours in the middle of the night for no specific reason. Or was there some?
In general, Han Ju Won was the man of issues. And all of them seemed like they came from and led to one person only. Lee Dong Sik.
So one thing led to another, somehow that he didn’t really remember or didn’t really matter at all, Han Ju Won found himself once again in Lee Dong Sik’s house.
“Been awhile, Han Ju Won”, Dong Sik walked towards the younger man, handing him a late night cup of tea.
Ju Won received the cup from Dong Sik with two of his palms. Eyes didn’t meet Dong Sik for once. Ah, right. Han Ju Won also got another issue. It’s his guilt.
Even when it’s his dad who put Lee Dong Sik’s life in hell for 20 years, the boy still found himself guilty for that. Because he had been doubting an innocent man all his life, the man who deserved nothing but happiness. Yet, Lee Dong Sik, never for once, was mad at Han Ju Won for anything. “I’m sorry. I have put you through a lot”, and he even apologized to the young inspector back in the day. Han Ju Won felt like drowning. He couldn’t even find anyway to make up for Lee Dong Sik’s life. He tried to be the best version of himself for Dong Sik. Yet, when he’s in the same room with the older man, he still wanted to breakdown and cry. Deep inside, he’s still guilty. And he gotta live the rest of his life with it. That’s his torment. That’s his own Hell.
“How have you been, my prince?”, Lee Dong Sik smirked. He tried to light up the room with his annoying sense of humor which he knew Ju Won hated it. Or, loved it but denied.
“Doing well”, he straightened his posture.
“Cha, Inspector Han Flower is still cold as ice these days?” he smirked, eyes were scanning the younger policeman.
“How about you, Mr. Lee?” Ju Won spoke. His eyes were everywhere but the man he’s talking to.
“Still same old me”, he responded. “Miss your pretty face though”, he kidded.
Something hit Ju Won in the gut again. And he hated it. He couldn’t explain what it was. There’s no good explanation or logic that could tell him what he was experiencing. The man bit the inside of his bottom lip lightly to gather himself, try not to show any sight of emotion. Stay cool, Han Ju Won, he remined himself.
“So why are you here?”, Dong Sik broke the silence between them again.
“I just…”, Ju Won started, “Um…”, he paused to think, “passing by”, he replied.
“You passing by? For how long? 30 minutes?” Lee Dong Sik asked back, one of his eyebrow was raised.
“What?” Ju Won startled.
“I have seen you standing in front of my gate for 28 minutes straight without making a move or a sound. You’re just there, starring at my window without a blink. As if you’re trying to scan my room with your invisible laser gaze”, Lee Dong Sik went on.
Han Ju Won was everything but a liar. He couldn’t lie. He might be a pain in the ass but he could never lie. And so that, his face was burning up red in shame for being called out. Ju Won really wanted to leave right now. But he also didn’t want to. He’s a mess. He knew.
Ju Won swallowed hard. “I was just…”, he tried to come up with something but it would be a lie to say that his brain wasn’t blank at the moment.
“Ju Won ah”, Dong Sik cut him.
Ju Won wanted to scream when he felt that Dong Sik was closing their distance. He could hear the older man’s breathing sound from here. It was calm and sound. Yet, it withdrew Ju Won a great panic. Dong Sik stepped in Ju Won’s personal space and he wanted to push the man away. Though, he couldn’t find the strength to do that. There’s something upsetting his stomach so bad that he wanted to vomit right now.
He needed to find a way to get himself out of this nonsense. But before he could think of anything, a warm set of palms were gently squeezing his cold hands which were shaking like earthquake. He missed this feeling. It felt like it’s just yesterday.
“Han Ju Won”, Dong Sik spoke up. There’s nothing but love and care in his voice. No humor, no annoying. It was all sincere. “I am not mad at you”, he reminded the young man. “You gotta forgive yourself”, he smiled. “You gotta stop blaming yourself”, his thumb caressed Ju Won’s skin. “You gotta start living. Don’t be another Lee Dong Sik”, said the man.
And it drove Ju Won crazier somehow. That after everything, he’s still the one who received from Dong Sik. It’s not fair for the older man. He’s been living in Hell for 20 years and Ju Won made it worse with everything he had said and done to hurt the man. Still, Lee Dong Sik treated him with nothing but sincere, with respect, with true care. And it made him mad. So mad that he could just scream at Dong Sik to stop all of this. He wanted Dong Sik to just punch him in the face, to just beat the shit out of him. That way, maybe Ju Won would feel better. Cuz that’s what he deserved. Not this. Not this beautiful man right in front of him.
“I can’t”, Ju Won met his eyes for the first time. Tears were building then and there, waiting to fall. The light in the room was dim, but bright enough for Dong Sik to see the younger face was burning with the mixture of anger, of guilt, of sadness, of tiredness. And Dong Sik wasn’t sure if he should have felt bad for what the kid had been through or felt relief that Han Ju Won, after all, wasn’t emotionless like those rumors.
“You can’t”, Han Ju Won continued. His voice was broken. “You can’t just be nice to everyone”, he gritted the teeth. “Especially me”, Ju Won finished with his jaw clenched. He gasped for the air he didn’t know he missed.
“Why?” Dong Sik softly asked. “It’s not your fault, Ju Won”, he let go of a sigh. “How many times do I have to repeat that before you accept that it’s not your fault?” Mr. Lee tilted his head to a side, tried to catch Ju Won’s expression in his sight.
Ju Won shook his head. “If it’s not”, tears finally fell down on both of his burning cheeks. “then why do I feel like this?” he swallowed hard. “Why do I feel like Hell?” Ju Won looked up to meet Dong Sik’s worried eyes. He felt so small comparing to the older man. He felt like running out of this house. He felt like he should disappear and never show up ever again. He felt like torment.
“Because…”, Dong Sik smiled. His hand moved from Ju Won’s grip to his face. Had Dong Sik ever complimented how adorable Ju Won was? Because Han Ju Won had always been adorable to Dong Sik. The kid always tried his best to act tough, act like he didn’t give two rat asses about a thing. But deep down, he cared about everything. And for that, Dong Sik adored the younger man. Sometimes, admired. Because he could only wish to be that tough. But also, he adored Ju Won for going through everything alone and never complained about that. Though, the kid must have been lonely all his life. “You are only human”, Dong Sik’s thumb wiped Ju Won’s single tear.
“You can’t escape feelings forever, Ju Won ah. Sometimes, you gotta be easy on yourself. And let it go”, Dong Sik bright eyes looked straight into the boy’s soul. “There’s no one to judge you anymore. You are free to be whoever you want to be. Okay?” Dong Sik nodded his head and smile. His eyes were still glued to Ju Won’s cute face.
“Really?” Ju Won asked. As if he wasn’t sure. As if this was just too good to be true. As if there’s no such thing as “free-to-be”.
All his life, Han Ju Won had been building this invisible thick wall to block himself out of everything, to protect himself from whatever he might feel. And then, there was this nutcase Lee Dong Sik, who was the prime suspect, who slowly but surely tore down each and every wall surrounding Han Ju Won. And the kid felt like naked, felt exposed, felt insecure, scared and panic. No matter how hard he tried, Lee Dong Sik could see everything. Even the thing Han Ju Won had never seen before. Even the thing Han Ju Won didn’t know it had ever existed to begin with.
“Yes”, Dong Sik nodded to reassure the man in front of him.
Ju Won dryly swallowed. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath to pull himself together. The atmosphere seemed better at the moment. At least for a couple of seconds.
“I apologize”, Ju Won quietly said.
“I told you”, Dong Sik began, but Ju Won cut him off.
“No. Not that. I…”, Ju Won hesitated. His eyes were stick to the floor of Dong Sik’s house as if there’s some clue he needed to gather for another case.
“Yeah?”, Dong Sik questioned. Confusion was there in his voice.
“Dong Sik ah”, Ju Won began. That raised a thousand of questions in Dong Sik’s mind. He had never heard this from the opposite. He’s not really sure if he liked what would happen next. Honestly, he’s a bit worried.
“Please forgive me”, Ju Won’s eyes, for the first time that night, were nothing but determined. He starred at the older man, searching for an answer.
“For what?”, Dong Sik tilted his head a bit to a side to think. Millions of thoughts had gone through his mind.
“For I am about to commit a crime”, Ju Won stated with his deep strong voice.
Something felt like danger boiling inside of Lee Dong Sik. He had to admit that he’s a bit trembling hearing those words. Warning signs were everywhere. Run, Dong Sik, run. Or else you could be eaten alive now. Run, Dong Sik, run. Or else there’s no way going back.
“What are you talking about?” Dong Sik cleared his voice. Do not show that you’re worried, Dong Sik, he told himself.
“I…”, Ju Won started. Hands were making fists. Every Goddamn nerve in Dong Sik’s system told him to fucking run. And yet, he’s there, waiting for Ju Won to finish his statement.
“I really like you”, Ju Won let go of what he’d been holding inside for way too long.
Lee Dong Sik were there, deadly silent. His expression went from worried to surprised to unsure to confused. Poor the man. He’s 40. His heart couldn’t handle a surprising crush confess from his partner who’s also out of his league. Or at least, it’s what he thought.
It was all silence. There’s too quiet now. No wind, no noise, no anything. As if they stopped breathing as well. But somehow, the heartbeats were too loud in the room at the moment. Nobody could distinguish if they’re from Han Ju Won or if it’s Lee Dong Sik. Maybe a little bit of both.
Ju Won was the first to break the awkward between them this time. He looked another way before standing up. “I’m sorry. I need to go”.
To everyone’s surprise, Lee Dong Sik was the one who grabbed Ju Won’s hand this time. “No”, said the older. “Don’t go”, he continued. Feeling like a beg.
“Mr. Lee Dong Sik”, Ju Won looked down at the man in front of him.
“It’s just…”, Dong Sik bit his bottom lip. “It’s been a while since…”, he faltered, “ya know…”
“Mr. Lee Dong Sik, just nod if yes. You don’t need to say anything”, Han Ju Won finally spoke in his confident usual voice, though, it’s full of care and warmth.
He sat down next to the former partner. This time, Dong Sik was the one who avoided eye contact. “Do you like me, Mr. Lee Dong Sik?”, asked Ju Won. He carefully read the expression of his partner.
1 second.
2 seconds.
3 seconds.
4 seconds.
5 seconds.
Nod.
Han Ju Won’s eyes shine like fireworks for that moment. He swore his heart just jumped out of his chest for excitement, his mind just exploded by happiness. He could just stand right up and run 20 kilometers right now to set the overflowing joy his lungs free. Instead of all that, he just grinned like a lunatic.
Dong Sik was sure he had never seen the famous Han Ju Won this happy before. Even when he’s still holding back, his eyes were more alive than ever. And somehow, Dong Sik found himself enjoy the scene. It’d been a long time since he ever thought he would like anyone. But here he was, being a high school boy over again, confessing feelings to an idiot.
“Mr. Lee, thank you”, Ju Won gripped Dong Sik’s hands.
Before Dong Sik could process his mind. Han Ju Won had gently put his lips on Dong Sik’s. He could just push the boy away. But he didn’t want to.
Lee Dong Sik had been dying for over 20 years. At least, with the man in front of him, he could finally live. There’s something as hope and light whenever Dong Sik looked at Ju Won. Then let’s live a little, would ya?
If having his feelings towards Han Ju Won was a crime, then let the man be a criminal this time.