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Oikawa had lost the ability to differentiate between the storm in his head and the one currently occurring in front of the window a long time ago. Even though he had already closed the windows and doors, he was still very much capable of hearing the angry sound of the raindrops hitting the glass. Here and there a loud thunder echoed through the nearly empty room.
Due to being so busy, he had totally missed how the sun had disappeared behind the broad mountains. Instead, a grey curtain had expanded throughout the whole sky to dive the whole world into a depressing colour. The clouds had even hidden the star constellations which Oikawa absolutely adored. They had always been one of the few things which had actually given him some sort of comfort. But now they were oppressed by a never-ending storm.
Or at least that was what it felt like.
The lighting which kept on lighting the dark night sky kept on reminding him about his own storm which was currently taking place in his head.
And god, the storm in his head was so much worse than what was currently going on in front of his window.
Because in contrast to the actual physical storm, he couldn’t just seek a shelter from his own wild thoughts. They just kept on roaming around in his head without anything or anyone being able to stop them.
They would keep on dominating his mind, forming a spiral which simply kept on tightening more and more until nothing would ever be capable of drawing it apart again, of easing the intrusive thoughts which refused to stop flashing in his mind.
And soon this dark veil would succeed in taking over the starry sky in his head as well.
Just like the storm outside had done with the actual physical sky.
He had never reached this state so far – simple because there had always been this one person who had acted as his own personal shelter.
But right now this exact person wasn’t here – and Oikawa knew that he was getting closer and closer to losing his mind completely.
Iwaizumi would probably kill him if he found out about Oikawa stealing the keys to his school’s gym once again. But the setter simply couldn’t help himself, he just had to keep on training.
After all, he still wasn’t good enough and he would probably never be. The only thing he could do was to keep on trying.
Trying.
Trying.
Iwaizumi had threatened with actual keeping the keys himself if Oikawa kept on overworking himself late at night but he just couldn’t stop.
He had to get better in order to finally be appreciated.
Oikawa watched the ball, which he had just smashed across the gym, angrily. It bounced off of the floor and slowly started rolling back to him.
His serves got worse with each time he tried and he simply couldn’t quite comprehend why that was the case.
He hadn’t even succeeded in playing the ball above the net the last two times. And how his serve had been so strong that it had almost knocked the air out of the poor volleyball.
When would he finally master his new serving technique? When would he finally be good enough and be able to keep up with the people who had always been above him?
He had little to no interest in being appreciated by a bunch of screaming fangirls who only liked him for being good-looking. Instead, he would love for someone to appreciate him just for being himself.
But that would never happen because of his disgusting personality.
No one would like the monster that he actually was.
Unlike other people he simply hadn’t been blessed with natural born talent. That means that he was forced to work hard in order to achieve everything he had reached so far. He was aware of the fact that both his height and his body very above the Japanese average but that still didn’t mean anything. It wouldn’t be enough for an international career. No matter how hard he worked for it, it simply did not get any better.
He simply wasn’t good enough.
There had always been natural talented players. All those players had to do was to pick up a ball and their serve was already better than his even though he had spent days and nights with perfectioning his technique.
He had spent months trying to figure out how to find out which set would be the best for his team mates. Why was it so easy for others while he would never be enough?
He was so worthless…
There had been days where he had been forced to stay on the bench because he had injured himself from his own personal overwhelming training the night before. So in conclusion his hard work hadn’t paid off either. Instead, it had only been a waste of time.
And today there once again wasn’t anything that could stop him from completely overworking himself once again.
He had lost yet another game against Ushijima. He had never succeeded in beating him once so far which simply kept on feeding into his already non-existing ego.
The image of Ushijima’s face kept on flashing in front of his eyes. He truly appeared to be an unreachable opponent…
An opponent which would keep on looking down on him.
*You have made the wrong decision, Oikawa. You should have chosen a different school. Now you will never be good enough, no matter what you’re doing. Your potential simply isn’t enough*
One of Oikawa’s frustrated screams echoed through the gym coupled with the sound of the ball hitting the floor. Oikawa had smashed it with a strength which caused it to almost hit the ceiling after it had bounced off the ground.
Why was he incapable of serving properly all of a sudden? His serves had usually always been quite good and hard to receive. Why? Why was he not able to do anything right?
He had to continue practicing… He had to get better. He had to catch up to the people who had always been one step ahead.
He had to prove to himself that he was in fact worthy of being Aoba Johsai’s main setter and captain. That he was worthy of being on the court.
That the trust his team mates put in him was actually justified… They weren’t allowed to realize that he actually was a huge disappointment…
He was not worthy of standing next to them during matches
Another loud thunder actually managed to silence the sobs which kept on leaving Oikawa’s lips. All of a sudden the setter was glad that the storm outside was louder than his cries. He didn’t want to hear how pathetic he actually was.
He still had to continue practicing.
The lightnings in his head forced him to approach yet another one of the balls which were laying around on the ground. They forced him to pick it up and return to his original position.
Another strike told him to both, throw it up in the air and to follow it with another high jump. And another growl made him strike it with full force.
Oikawa could hardly feel the way his palm touched the soft material of the volleyball. The only thing he was still capable of registering was how the ball was flying across the room – just to get stuck in the net once again.
His vision blurred but it still wasn’t enough, he had to continue practicing.
Continue, continue, continue.
He was slowly losing his strength.
Yet he had to continue, continue, continue.
*Do you really want to give up already?*
He truly did not want to give up but unfortunately his arms and legs started to feel so insanely heavy, Oikawa felt like they would fall off any second.
Yet the lightning which kept on flashing in his head numbed the pain in order to make him keep going. He knew exactly that the thunder wouldn’t stop unless he’d give in to its demands.
And that was the reason why he kept going.
*He had to continue, continue, continue*
His palm was slowly burning red from the sheer force he kept on hitting the volleyballs with.
*He had to continue, continue, continue*
His legs left the ground over and over again just to hit the ground heavily only seconds later.
*He had to continue continue continue.
He had to continue practicing.
Even if his body gave up, he’d still have to continue, continue, continue.
He had to prove that he wasn’t worthless. That his pride wasn’t worthless.
He had to prevent the people around him from finding out what exactly was hiding behind that fake smile of his.
They weren’t allowed to see how much of a disappointment the setter actually was.
They would only hate him more than they already did. Was he even worth anything if it wasn’t for his incredibly pretty face? Was he worth anything without his talent for volleyball? No one would ever choose him if he lost those two things.
He mustn’t lose those two things.
He had to let himself fall into the storm which still raged inside of his head without showing any sign of mercy.
So he had to continue, continue, continue*
“Stop! Just fucking stop!”, Oikawa could hear his own voice escaping his lips. The storm had finally succeeded in dragging the dark veil all over the starry sky in his head. It had finally taken over his thoughts completely. This caused the captain’s vision to blurry more and more until it went dark.
The next thing he comprehended was how his completely weakened body hit the floor rather forcefully. Sobbing Oikawa tried to support himself by letting his arms rest on the cool ground. In an attempt to calm his breath down, he placed his head on top of them.
The thunder in his own head finally drowned out the noises coming from in front of the window. It was in fact loud enough for Oikawa to not being able to hear his own sobs anymore.
*Why is no one here to help me?*
The setter’s throat tightened with every sob that escaped his lips. This continued until he was unable to take proper breaths anymore.
Another choked sob was Oikawa’s useless attempt to fill his lungs with air once again but he had truly overworked himself this time.
He had to get up and leave… Had to go back home, so his team mates wouldn’t find their pathetic and exhausted captain sleeping on the gym’s floor the next day. He couldn’t risk being caught by Iwaizumi because he knew that his beloved would refuse to talk to him for days. He had told him to not overwork himself so many times and yet Oikawa hadn’t listened to him.
Why were his limbs way too heavy to carry him all of a sudden? Why couldn’t he get his body to stand up and walk?
His whole body had finally become way too exhausted to function properly.
The only thing which hadn’t become tired yet was the storm in his head which refused to calm down anytime soon. It kept on raging in his thoughts, dropping the most awful memories and statements onto him. They had formed into a tightening spiral which prevented Oikawa from getting any sort of rest.
It was impossible to find a shelter from this storm. While the roof over his head was capable of making sure that the physical storm outside wouldn’t harm him, it simply couldn’t provide any sort of protection against the one occurring in his head.
And if Oikawa was being honest, he’d prefer standing outside in the rain now.
It would at least make him feel alive
~*~
The setter honestly couldn’t tell how much time had passed ever since he had broken down on the gym floor. After some time the cool ground had gotten surprisingly comfortable. However, he still was incapable of perceiving what was happening around him. He was way too caught up in the storm in his head. It demanded his full attention.
He could vaguely feel his body being lifted off of the ground in a smooth motion. Due to his nose and mouth not being covered by his arms anymore, he could suddenly breathe more freely again which was at least some sort of relief.
Some sounds which neither belonged to the storm outside nor to the one in his head tried to reach him but he honestly couldn’t make out what they meant. The thunder in his thoughts was still so so loud and refused to let him focus on anything else.
It took him a few seconds until his exhausted brain could comprehend that the sounds in questions were in fact words – and to his surprise he actually recognized the voice. Of course he did… how could he not…?
“Tooru… oh my god, Tooru…!”
Oikawa opened his mouth in an attempt to form an answer but instead of proper words, all he managed to make was a choked sob.
His exhausted body was moved once again. Suddenly, a comfortable warmth took over his senses as his chest was pressed against someone else’s.
The person, who had entered the gym only a few minutes ago, apparently had some sort of curing effect on his body considering his senses were slowly starting to regain themselves.
Iwaizumi was confident that he owned some sort of extra sense which allowed him to know whenever Oikawa wasn’t feeling well. After he had tried to reach him several times, he had decided to look after him since it wasn’t usual for Oikawa to not pick up his phone late at night. To his surprise Oikawa hadn’t been in his room when he had tried knocking on his window. Considering that it had already been 3 AM, Iwaizumi had decided to look for him. He knew him all too well… He knew the places Oikawa was usually hiding at whenever he wasn’t doing okay.
Contemplating that they had lost a match against Ushijima today, only one thing had come to his mind: Oikawa must be at the gym.
And he had in fact spotted his boyfriend shortly after entering the gym in question. He had been laying on the floor, huddled together, attempting to catch his own breath. Iwaizumi had experienced many of Oikawa’s panic attacks but it had never been this bad. He had never seen him this broken in his entire life. What had his lover done to himself up to the point where he was unable to *breathe* properly? What had he done to push his body this far?
Why did the person Iwaizumi seriously considered as perfect the urge to destroy himself?
“Please breathe with me, Tooru”, Iwaizumi tried to soothe the bundle of anxiety which was now resting in his arms. The older man had sat down on the floor in order to be able to pull his beloved into his warm embrace. Oikawa had been completely tensed up which was why he hadn’t even tried to loosen his limbs. Instead, Iwaizumi had started rocking back and forth in an attempt to calm him down a bit.
And he had in fact succeeded. It had took him a while – way too long in Iwaizumi’s opinion – but Oikawa had finally started moving. The setter had loosened his tightly tenses limbs and had wrapped them around his boyfriend instead. The ace almost sighed in relief. God, he loved Oikawa but he surely scared him sometimes…
“Focus on your breathing, okay?”, Iwaizumi kept on whispering against Oikawa’s neck to show him that he was actually there with him and that he wasn’t just another mean trick of Oikawa’s imagination. “Slowly… in and out… In and out… I will make sure that nothing will ever hurt you, okay? You’re save when I’m here… I won’t even let you hurt yourself…”
It was the truth. Iwaizumi would never, *never*, let anything or anyone in this world harm the person he loved the most – even if it was Oikawa himself who caused him so much pain. He would protect the setter from himself if he had to, he didn’t care as long as he was doing okay.
God, Oikawa would always be perfect in his eyes. All he wanted to do was to give him the love he deserved. Even though Oikawa did not think that he was worthy of Iwaizumi’s love, the ace didn’t care. He would still give him all of it.
“I know that your thoughts are really loud sometimes, Tooru… But I will always be louder than them. Trust me… I’ll always be louder than those lies in your head. And I will instead give you the praise you deserve”
Oikawa was now clinging onto Iwaizumi like his life depended on it.
Maybe that actually was the case. Because Iwaizumi was currently in the process of saving Oikawa from himself once again.
The dark veil, which had hidden the starry sky Oikawa loved so much, was slowly lifted once again. The storm in his head was finally being suppressed as well by Iwaizumi’s comforting words. The dark thoughts in his mind were forced back into the back of his mind.
Oikawa had buried his face in the crook of Iwaizumi’s neck, so he could inhale the familiar scent of his boyfriend’s cologne. He knew that he often made fun of it but if he was being completely honest, he absolutely adored Iwaizumi’s smell. It had always given him some sort of comfort.
*In and out. In and out.
He had to breathe in and out. In and out*
“Hajime”, was the first thing he managed to say. His throat had finally started to relax again which made him capable of forming proper words.
“Shh, you don’t have to say anything, Tooru. I know… And I’m here for you. I’m not mad, okay? I’m just really worried” Iwaizumi was actually concerned that all Oikawa managed to say was his name, almost if it physically pained him to say more. He had to make sure that his body actually relaxed more.
Sighing Iwaizumi tightened his grip around Oikawa’s fragile body. One of his arms was wrapped tightly around his hips while his other hand was soothingly rubbing up and down his boyfriend’s back.
This simply touch reminded Oikawa that he was he still alive. That he was still breathing and that there was someone by his side who didn’t just love him for his pretty face.
He knew that Iwaizumi saw so much more in him than just that. Because if that wasn’t the case, he wouldn’t be here with him in this exact moment.
*Oikawa Tooru might have been a very pretty face but he also was an insanely ugly crier.*
And that was why he refused to cry in front of other people. Iwaizumi was the exception and he would forever be the only one who was allowed to see him crying.
He could finally let himself and his body fall into Iwaizumi’s warm embrace. He could finally stop pushing himself more and more. Because Iwa wouldn’t judge. Because Iwa didn’t have unrealistic expectations of him.
“Iwa, I… I’m literally so so sorry” After a seemingly endless time, Oikawa finally could hear his own voice again. He could finally hear his own sobs again after they had been drowned out by the storm for way too long. He didn’t know whether that was good or bad but he was at least able to tell his boyfriend what was going on now. “I know that I shouldn’t have kept on pushing my body. I know that I shouldn’t have continued to practice. But… I haven’t been feeling well, Iwa- I just wanted to prove that I’m good enough, I-“
Oikawa didn’t get to finish his sentence due to Iwaizumi interrupting him. The ace forced his boyfriend to look at him by cupping his face. He knew where this was going. Oikawa would proceed to tell him that other people would be so much better than him. That other people deserved his spot more than he did. That he thought that Iwaizumi deserved so much more than him – but he wouldn’t let him. Because no matter what, he would have always chosen Oikawa. Even if that meant that he would have to drag him out of those storms over and over again.
“Who do you want to prove that you’re enough, Tooru? Me? I will always, *always*, be proud of you, Tooru. I chose you and I would do it all over again. Just… just imagine, you and me would be living in a world where neither you, nor me had ever picked up a volleyball, okay? None of us had started playing. We would have never won all those games, nor would we have lost them. I would have chosen you even in that world, Tooru. Because I didn’t fall in love with you because of your volleyball skills. I fell in love with you because you are Oikawa Tooru. And that will never change, okay? You don’t have to prove anything to me, Tooru. It’s more than enough to me that you’re just yourself. That’s why I love you after all, you idiot“
**Yes… He would always choose you**
Iwaizumi’s words caused Oikawa to tear up once again. But unlike before, it wasn’t because of the storm in his head. It was because of a sudden wave of relief overcoming him. He should have seen it much earlier. Of course, there was a way to find a shelter from the storm. Of course there was something that actually could protect him from it. Oikawa’s own personal shelter was currently holding him in a tight embrace. And no matter what, no storm would ever be able to destroy this.
Why hadn’t he noticed this much earlier?
Iwaizumi let his hands travel from Oikawa’s face to his forehead in order to brush his curls out of his face. He cursed under his breath upon noticing how warm Oikawa’s skin actually was. He had overworked himself to the point where he had gotten a fever. Iwaizumi bit down on his lower lip to prevent himself from cursing again before he pulled his boyfriend closer to his body. He had gotten used to the setter’s self-destroying tendencies and knew how to deal with them. He had gotten Oikawa through worse fevers already, so he wasn’t too worried about it as of now. He’d save him once again. He would make sure to nurse him back to health.
“I love you, never forget that, Tooru. Please…”, Iwaizumi repeated before he reached out to press a kiss right on Oikawa’s burning forehead. He didn’t mind the sweat, he didn’t mind that his lips felt like they were on fire the second he touched Oikawa’s skin. He wanted him to know that his boyfriend was aware of his feelings for him. Oikawa didn’t have to stay on his own because Iwaizumi would always be there for him. He’d always catch him if he fell. He’d always save him from himself. They had known each other ever since they had been kids and ever since then Iwaizumi had told himself to protect him from any harm. No matter what.
Because Oikawa was so much more than just a pretty face. He was more than the selfish and arrogant setter his opponents saw. He was more than just an ugly crier.
Iwaizumi was not only Oikawa’s pillar, Oikawa also was his. He was the best thing that had ever happened to him and there was no way that he’d let Oikawa destroy himself.
“Let’s head home, Tooru”, he told him upon noticing that his boyfriend was about to pass out in his arms. Without actually responding, the setter nodded but didn’t make any efforts to stand up. Instead, he wrapped his arms tightly around his ace. Iwaizumi rolled his eyes but didn’t say anything about it. He simply lifted his lover up without any effort. Seeing Oikawa’s sleepy face actually made him crack a smile. He could be so cute when his features were relaxed.
He carefully pushed his bangs out of his face once again, hoping that it would help to cool him down a bit. Afterwards he stood up to carry him to the door carefully. He didn’t pay any attention to the volleyballs which were still laying around on the floor. They could take care of that tomorrow as well.
“How did you get here?”, Oikawa asked him quietly once they had reached the exit. He buried his face in the crook of Iwaizumi’s neck once again before he continued talking. “There was a really really bad thunderstorm outside…. And you walked here, right?”
“Thunderstorm? It stopped shortly before I tried to reach you, Tooru”
“It stopped…?”, Oikawa repeated before he allowed himself to have a look at the starry night sky.
The dark veil consisting of clouds had dissolved completely. In its place the beautiful constellation of Cassiopeia was shining majestically.
Yes, the storm had finally stopped