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Sunshine warms skin that is possibly too pale beneath the golden glow. Jimin wonders when he last let himself enjoy the sunlight like this, when he last allowed something as simple as the sunshine to bring him happiness.
His lips twitch. Happiness. Impossible.
Let’s promise that we’ll always be best friends. That’s what Taehyung said, and maybe that should bring a slither of happiness into his life, but it doesn’t. Those kinds of words, the kind that only remind him of everything he’s missing…
Jimin stares at the coffee in front of him. His murky reflection stares back, distorted and wrong.
Everything about him is wrong.
“There is one last activity for today,” Sejin says, intruding on Jimin’s thoughts as he drops a folder onto the table. Jimin stares at the folder. He’s sick of activities. Activities he can’t do. New Zealand was supposed to be fun, but it isn’t. It was supposed to be refreshing, but it’s not. “You have a choice of scuba diving or kaya—”
“Ooh! Scuba diving! Let’s go scuba diving!” Taehyung interrupts with a fist pump, grinning a grin which is contagious enough for the corner of Jimin’s lips to tug upward—but that’s about all it does.
Scuba diving? Jimin’s stomach knots. Please no.
“K-Kayaking sounds fun, too,” he says lightly, hating the way his voice falters, the way his hands start to shake. Anxiety riddles him to the core, and it’s another thing he hates about New Zealand. Everything good is slowly turning to shit. Everything he’s been faking is slowly turning to shit.
Everything about him… is shit.
Taehyung nods. “It does, but scuba sounds even better, don’t you think? Hyung’s, don’t you think?” The Omega glances at the Alphas, continuing to grin from ear-to-ear. Jimin’s stomach sinks. The Alphas will agree with their Omega, of course, and it will be another activity Jimin can’t do.
He wonders what excuse he’ll use this time. He wonders if he’ll be allowed an excuse.
How many times can he say he doesn’t want to do something before the pack grows concerned? But he supposes it’s too late for that. The pack already is concerned. How many times is someone going to ask him if he wants to talk? How many times is he going to catch one of them offering him a pitying look?
Ever since the Nevis Swing, everyone has been walking around him like they’re balancing on thin ice, and Jimin wonders just how long it will take for that ice to crack – for him to crack.
“It does sound fun,” Hoseok says, smiling at Taehyung. The Alpha hasn’t taken his eyes off the youngest Omega all day, and why would he when Taehyung looks so elated, so excited.
Jimin’s stomach sinks at the Alpha’s words, and he whispers, “I—I don’t know about scuba diving,” even though no one is listening. God, they act concerned but then they don’t listen. “I—I don’t… um.” He swallows thickly and nervously because fuck, even kayaking is dangerous. What if they capsize?
His scent blockers are sweat proof. They’re good for small bits of water. Not bodies of water that could drown him.
Briefly, he thinks drowning might be preferable to any other outcome.
“We’d see so many beautiful sea creatures under water,” Namjoon says, smiling gently at Taehyung, and of course the pack-Alpha will do whatever it is his Omega wants. Seokjin is the crisp, fresh air of the pack, and Taehyung is the bundle of warmth. They’re both equally adored, and they’re both equally perfect.
They’re… possibly everything Jimin wishes he could be – in another life. So, who would he be to deny one of them anything? Who would he be to deny his soulmate anything? Taehyung’s smile is blinding, and Jimin adores it. He would give the world to the youngest Omega if it meant that smile never wavered.
“You—you should scuba,” Jimin offers quickly, trying to smile as the words without me go unsaid. His brain whirrs as he tries to think of another excuse, as he tries to think of a reason he can’t go scuba diving, and why even kayaking sounds bad.
I—I’m allergic to water… to fish… to… to—
“What?” Jungkook frowns. “No, hyung. Are you serious? We aren’t doing this without you.” The maknae stares at Jimin, hard. He’s the only Alpha whose attention isn’t captivated by Taehyung, but Jimin wishes so badly that it would be. He doesn’t want anyone to look at him, to see the struggle in his eyes, or the quiver of his fingertips.
Sometimes, the oldest excuse, is the best excuse. “I don’t like water,” he says.
Jungkook’s frown deepens. “Since when?”
“Since forever.” And maybe it isn’t a totally terrible excuse. His blockers do wash off in water, so he’s never allowed himself to be submerged in bodies of it around the pack. Jungkook has no leg to stand on, he can’t—
“We’re doing this as a pack,” Yoongi suddenly says, and Jimin snaps his head around to the oldest Alpha, who watches him with a furrowed brow. “We all need to agree on the activity.”
“But I said—” Jimin stops. His inner-Omega whines at the tone he was about to use. It isn’t his place to talk to an Alpha like that. Jimin presses his lips together and fights against the urge to submit and do whatever it is the pack wants. He can’t. As much as he craves their approval and their acceptance, he can’t. Scrambling for a last-minute excuse, Jimin whispers, “I don’t… I don’t feel well.”
“Jimin…” Seokjin sighs, and the entire pack’s attention is on him, and Jimin realises he has never felt quite this small before.
“It’s fine, I’m fine,” Jimin says as he smiles wider. “You—you guys go alone. It’s fine, really, it’s—”
“Jimin, we’re filming for Bon Voyage,” Namjoon cuts in, not harshly but firmly. “We’re doing this together, or not at all.”
Jimin blinks. He forgot. For a second, he forgot. I just wish you used your head.
Biting back an argument, and somehow feeling smaller, Jimin manages a meek, “O-Okay,” and decides to keep his mouth shut for the rest of the day because maybe… just maybe it really will be okay. Maybe it will turn out good.
Or maybe it won’t.
Unsurprisingly, he finds himself in a fucking kayak barely four hours later. It’s better than diving, but the water is still so close, and with every splash of the paddle, Jimin’s heart jumps into his throat.
He sits between Namjoon and Seokjin, gripping the edges of the kayak as the pack-Alpha and pack-Omega paddle. How he ended up with Namjoon and Seokjin is still a little baffling. He thought for sure Namjoon would want to be with Taehyung and he thought for sure Hoseok would demand Seokjin’s comforting aura.
But Hoseok and Yoongi split off, and Taehyung dragged Jungkook away. The youngest Omega also tried to drag Jimin away, too – face full of apologies that Jimin knew he was underserving of – but as soon as he stepped foot into the water, Jimin froze and couldn’t move. So much could go wrong. Fear squeezed his lungs, his heart, and his breath. What if the water…
“Do you want to come with Joon and I?” Seokjin asked softly, stepping up behind Jimin, and, honestly, Jimin wanted to say no. He wanted to sob and break down and look for Sungho because at least that Alpha understood. But Sungho wasn’t here, he hadn’t been around much since the Nevis Swing, since that phone-call, and Jimin missed him.
“We’ll keep you safe,” Namjoon added, like it was an after-thought, and Jimin shakily nodded as he followed them to one of the kayaks.
Which is how he found himself here, between them now, terrified.
But it’s fine. It’s been fine. Namjoon and Seokjin are calm, steady people, and they aren’t going to let the boat overturn. They aren’t Sungho, but that shouldn’t matter because they’re his pack, and he loves them. He loves them. They won’t let him get wet, and if they do, well, Jimin has a back-up spray in his pocket.
The back-up spray is an absolute back-up, though. It’s a last resort because he doesn’t know how he’ll apply it without being obvious, without being seen. Fuck, he hadn’t thought about that. What if he can’t get away?
No. No, it’s okay. He won’t have to use it. Everything is fine. Everything is going to stay fine. They aren’t that far from shore, just enough to paddle properly in the deeper parts of the water, and… and maybe Yoongi and Hoseok are slowly disappearing downstream, but that doesn’t mean all of them are going downstream… r-right?
Suppressing a shiver, Jimin grips the edges of the kayak tightly. His knuckles are white from the pressure and he silent curses himself for being an idiot. He should have tried harder to get out of this, he should have argued with more articulation, more intelligence. Eomma would have—Oh. Oh, god, Eomma will kill him. Eomma will kill him.
Jimin inhales deeply and stares at his lap. The backs of his eyes sting because nothing can ever go right for him, can it? Something always gets messy. Something always goes wrong. He just wants… he just wants…
Well, it doesn’t matter what he wants.
(He wants to disappear. He wants to cease existence without the consequence. He wants to be loved but he can’t be, he can’t be, so the next best thing is… nothing. It’s a deep, enveloping nothingness, and Jimin craves it. He craves it.)
Everything is going to be fine. They aren’t going downstream, they aren’t—
The water around them sloshes as Jungkook and Taehyung paddle too close, splashing water at each other. Jimin flinches when a bit of spray hits him, but it isn’t enough to warrant any true nerves.
“What are you rascals doing?” Seokjin asks in exasperation, lifting his own paddle from the water to poke at Jungkook playfully. “Move away from us, you’re too close.”
“Hyung, he started it,” Jungkook whines, splashing Taehyung again, and Jimin flinches when more water ends up in their kayak, across his lap, than on Taehyung.
“I don’t care who started it,” Namjoon sighs. “Stop it.”
“But hyung—” Taehyung voice has a humoured lilt to it that is almost just as contagious as his smile. In any other situation, Jimin might smile or laugh along, but in the middle of a lake, in the middle of something that could very quickly turn south, Jimin is struggling to find humour or relief.
“Stop,” Namjoon repeats, and Jimin allows himself to relax slightly at the firm tone. It’s okay. “I don’t want either of you smelling of sea water.”
“It isn’t the sea, hyungie,” Taehyung calls with a giggle as he splashes again. More water. A lot more water. Jimin jerks away, shoulders drawing tense as he grips the edge of the kayak and anxiety courses through his veins so quickly, he bites back a cry.
Exposure. Revelation. Fear.
It’s hard to breathe. It’s impossible to breathe. Maybe this is what it’s like to cease. The beginning of the end.
“Shit,” Seokjin murmurs, and a hand settles on the small of Jimin’s back. It’s supposed to be comforting, but Jimin flinches, and he thinks he might snap the side of the small, flimsy kayak in his grip. “Okay. It’s okay. Tae, Jungkook, stop.”
“He started it,” Taehyung laughs, oblivious, and Jungkook snickers as he wrestles with Taehyung aboard their kayak, causing ripples of water around them. It’s a ripple effect, and maybe in another situation, Jimin really would laugh along.
But he’s frozen. Fear makes him stupid.
In the back of the kayak, the oldest Omega’s scent changes to something slightly sweet, a little sour, and very, very thick. Protection. Concern. Jimin resists gagging, especially when the shift of scent is coupled with Namjoon’s sudden muskier ginger, like the pack-Alpha has realised something is wrong. Namjoon glances over his shoulder, gaze heavy on Jimin, searching, and Jimin wants to force a smile and assure the pack-Alpha he’s fine, everything is fine.
(Nothing is fine.)
Taehyung and Jungkook are unaware of anything amiss as they continue to splash and mock each other. When they lift their paddles simultaneously, Seokjin and Namjoon seem to have the same thought.
“Jungkook,” Namjoon growls in warning, leaning over the side of the kayak to snatch the youngest Alpha’s paddle.
“Tae, I said stop,” Seokjin calls, and reaches across Namjoon to grab Taehyung’s paddle.
The two biggest members of Bangtan’s pack leaning over the edge of a flimsy, barely balanced kayak with Jimin sitting terrified in the middle… Jimin’s breath catches on a cry as the kayak topples and capsizes, and instead of fresh, tangy air, Jimin is suddenly inhaling a lungful of acidic lake water.
Thrashing, trying to bring his head above the water, all Jimin can hear is Eomma’s voice screaming at him for being so careless, so stupid. He never should have come out onto the water. He never should have trusted—
Hands grab him and haul him up, and Jimin breaks the surface with a choked gasp, spluttering water and trying to see past the droplets falling down his face. He spies the horrified faces of Taehyung and Jungkook, still perched safe and dry in their kayak, and he’s aware that the hands on him are Namjoon’s. The pack-Alpha desperately tries to keep Jimin up, but Jimin can’t stop thrashing and he certainly doesn’t want to be held right now. Especially not when he catches of a whiff of his scent and that’s a cause to drown himself here and now.
Twisting free of the Alpha’s hold, Jimin uses his pulsing adrenaline and faltering strength to propel himself towards the shore. Voices shout for him, but his ears are ringing, and he’s too shaken to stop. The water around him is dark and murky, and it’s like his coffee earlier, everything is distorted, everything is wrong.
Nothing is ever right. Nothing is ever good.
He ruins everything.
Over the thundering of his heartbeat and the panic curled deep in his lungs, Jimin thinks of Sungho. He thinks of the Alpha’s patience and kindness, how he’s always respectful, always happy to help Jimin. You’re a hard-working, intelligent, beautiful human-being. Jimin chokes on a mouthful of lake water, and he almost goes under again, but he makes the last stretch to the shoreline.
There’s no production team around but that isn’t surprising. They’ve been using the drone to give Bangtan as much privacy as possible, which Jimin is thankful for now as he crawls ashore, still shaking. He collapses onto the rocks and pebbles, chest heaving as he spews up lake water. He’s mildly relieved to be out of the water, but the relief is short-lived because he smells himself, thick and sweet over the salty, fishy water, and he hears the voices approaching behind, the slide of a paddle through water, and this isn’t how it happens, this can’t be how it happens—
Scrambling upright, Jimin grabs for the roll of scent blockers hidden in his life-jacket. He clumsily wipes at his neck, trying to remove as much of the water as possible so he can apply an even amount of spray. As he does, he glances up to see Namjoon swimming towards him, the Alpha’s strokes powerful and long, and just the sight of him has Jimin’s lower stomach trembling in need and want.
He wants the Alpha so bad. He wants the Alpha to come to him, hold him, wrap him up in his arms and never let go.
Unsure if the water on his face is now from tears or the lake, Jimin hastily applies the scent blocker, managing to cap and hide it again just as Namjoon reaches shore. Further along the lake are Taehyung and Jungkook, the two still paddling but now with a soaked Seokjin between them, presumedly reprimanding them given the heated faces of the maknae’s and the apologetic scent wafting towards Jimin.
Yoongi and Hoseok are also making their way back, and Jimin can see concern in the way they move, the erratic paddling, but the two Alphas are really Jimin’s last worry as Namjoon finally reaches him. The pack-Alpha crawls ashore, clothes saturated and dragging him down as he pushes to his feet and sprints across the rocks and pebbles for Jimin.
An apology sits on Jimin’s tongue because he’s always apologising, and this is another thing to add to the list. He’s ruined it for everyone. A sob catches at the back of his throat but it comes out as a hoarse, choked laugh. Namjoon drops to his knees in front of him, and the Alpha grips Jimin’s shoulders. Time stands still.
Jimin stares at the pack-Alpha, his vision blurring for a second. He knows he’s shaking – he can’t stop shaking. Blood thunders in his ears, and his heart races, and the apology is right there, right on the tip of his tongue, he just needs to say it, he needs to say it before the Alpha snaps or snarls or yells because he will, he will—
But—
“Fuck, Jimin,” Namjoon breathes, and drags Jimin against his chest in a tight, desperate hug. “Are you okay?”
Stifling a whimper, stifling every ounce of need pulsing through him, Jimin nods shakily. Namjoon’s hands flutter around him, trying to soothe, and Jimin wants to sob, he wants to curl up close to the pack-Alpha and let him cuddle him and hold him and—and—
He can’t.
He can’t.
“I—I’m fine,” Jimin chokes out before biting his lower lip. He takes a steadying breath before whispering, fractionally calmer, “I’m fine, hyung. Just—just cold. The water was cold.”
“Jimin…” the pack-Alpha sounds sceptical, which isn’t surprising because it’s the middle of Summer here, but Namjoon doesn’t push. He probably passes it off as shock because Jimin said he doesn’t like water, he doesn’t want to be in the water, so this… this is just the come down of shock.
“I’m fine,” Jimin repeats, slowly untangling himself from Namjoon’s grasp. He hates it; hates removing the Alpha’s touch. But it’s too dangerous to let it linger. “It just scared me,” he whispers. “I don’t… I don’t like water.”
“I didn’t realise you hated it that much,” Namjoon admits, and Jimin wonders if that’s guilt hidden in the Alpha’s tone. “None of us did.”
“It’s not your fault,” Jimin tells him, running a shaky hand through his hair as he looks over Namjoon’s shoulder to see Seokjin, Taehyung, and Jungkook hurrying over. He pitches his voice louder to reach them, “It’s no one’s fault. I’m not upset.”
“You should be upset,” Seokjin says as the Omega falls to his knees in front of Jimin, his hands fluttering. “You should be furious. I would be furious.”
“There’s no need for that,” Jimin assures softly, wishing desperately for his bottle of suppressants because he knows they would help right now. He’s thankful for the disgusting big brown pill he took this morning to reduce his slick because fear-induced slick on top of everything else would really be the cherry on top of everything else.
Fortunately, he isn’t always dumb.
“Hyung,” Jungkook whispers almost numbly as he stands behind Seokjin and Namjoon, and his brown eyes are wide with worry. “Jiminie, I’m so sorry. I—I’m so sorry.”
“It’s fine,” Jimin murmurs and he pushes himself to his feet, subtly running a hand over his chest to feel his heartbeat. It’s slowed to something considerably calmer now, and he’s able to breathe a little easier. More than half the pack is here, and no one has commented on any unknown caramel scent which mean everything is fine.
“What happened?” Yoongi’s low, rough voice is a surprise and Jimin tries not to startle too violently as Yoongi and Hoseok approach the five of them.
“Nothing,” Jimin is quick to jump in.
“Not nothing,” Taehyung whimpers for the first time, and Jimin glances at his soulmate to see tears streaming down his cheeks. “Jungkook and I… we were idiots and we—”
“Not idiots,” Namjoon cuts in fiercely, and his ginger scent spikes as he rises to his feet. Jimin bites the inside of his cheek to stop himself from verbally reacting to the scent, or the almost-growl. Already feeling so fragile, it’s difficult to keep a lid on his most basic instincts. “You didn’t do anything wrong, you just—”
“Hyung.” Jungkook shakes his head. “We did, we… we literally caused you to capsize.”
“It was an accident,” Seokjin says as he slowly pushes to his feet. “But you were mucking around after I repeatedly asked you to stop.”
“I’m so sorry, Minie,” Taehyung says, and he reaches past Jungkook and Seokjin for him. Jimin hesitates for barely a second before welcoming his soulmate into his arms. “I’m so sorry.”
“It’s okay,” he murmurs, pressing a quick kiss to Taehyung’s head. “No harm was done.” No physical harm was done, at least. Jimin doesn’t think he’ll ever have the guts to step foot in another body of water while around the pack ever again. “It’s fine. We’re all. We’re all fine now, right?” he offers with a strained laugh. “Everything is fine.”
No one responds and Jimin watches as the pack shares a look he isn’t clued in on. But it’s fine. Everything is always fine.