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It had been a quiet dinner in the tower up until that point. I was eating with only Tony and Bruce, since everyone else was off on a mission. I should have realized that Stark’s silence meant he was cooking up an inappropriate scheme.
“So, I’ve been thinking…” Stark finally spoke.
“That’s never a good sign,” was my immediate reply.
He held up a hand for silence, as if that would work. “I’ve been thinking a lot about the Hulk.”
“No, Tony,” Bruce immediately began to look stressed, “you know I don’t like to talk about the other guy if I don’t have to. Especially not during dinner.”
“No, no. Hear me out. We don’t know a lot about him. He’s not really a fan of letting me check him out. He doesn’t seem to be much of a fan of anyone, really. Well, except you.” He pointed across the table at me. “He seems to like you an awful lot.”
I shook my head. “That’s just Bruce coming through.”
“I don’t know if that’s entirely true,” Bruce interjected. “I think he trusts you.”
“I think it’s more than that. I’ve seen him full on throw her over his shoulder and walk away in the middle of a fight to put her somewhere he decided was ‘safe’. That’s more than trust. That’s full on fondness. So, how does it work, Omdahl? Do you have to, like, take care of it if he gets a rage boner or something?”
“Jesus, Tony! No! Oh my god! What is wrong with you? That’s not even possible!” I really could not believe the audacity of that asshole.
Bruce tried to stop him there. “This is not something we are talking about, now or ever.”
“I’m just curious. It’s a completely valid question. I mean, she’s with you. That means technically she’s with him too. Let’s think this through. Bruce you’re, what? 5’8? We’ll call it an even 6 foot and you’re probably around 6 inch-”
“We’re not discussing this.” Bruce looked on in horror at the trainwreck of a turn the meal had taken.
“No hear me out! The other guy is about 8 feet tall. That’s a thirtyish percent increase.” My head dropped into my hands at this point. I was wishing myself away from that table as he continued. “She can totally handle thirty percent more!”
“NO! TONY!” I’d never heard Bruce sound so offended before.
“She can! I saw the size of that kid the popped out of her! It’s gotta be smaller than that!”
I lifted my head from my hands to glare at him. “I swear to god, Tony, I’m gonna beat your ass in a second.”
“Bryn, I’m so sorry.” Bruce’s arm went across my shoulders in a show of solidarity. “This is such inappropriate dinner conversation, I’m not even sure how to handle it.”
“Come on, Omdahl! Be a trooper! Test it out! For science!”
That was when I made my tactical error. I thought engaging for just a moment to show him how insane the whole thing sounded would put an end to the conversation. “I know you’ve seen it! Even the stretchiest pants don’t always make it through a transition. Just in it’s natural state, it’s huge! Ready for action? Trust me, I couldn’t do it.”
Tony’s eyes lit up and I knew my plan had backfired. “But you’ve thought about it…”
I opened my mouth, then closed it. Opened it again, and closed it again as no sound was coming out.
Bruce stared at me, eyes wide, incredulous at the thought that I might have thought of it.
“Aha!” Tony’s smug triumphant face would have been punched if I hadn’t had more important people to deal with.
“Why would you even…” Bruce looked shocked and maybe a little heartbroken as he let his arm drop from my shoulders.
“Honey, it’s not…you know? It’s just…sometimes the mind wanders…” I shrugged, not even knowing what to say. “I mean, I’ve never really considered it.”
Tony had a manic grin as he jumped out of his seat. “I’ll set up the lab cameras.”
“NO!!!” Bruce and I both yelled.
Tony rolled his eyes at our lack of initiative and sat heavily back down.