Chapter Text
The day was fine, everything was fine. The day was great as a matter of fact.
Get up. Get dressed. Eat breakfast. Walk to class. Easy, really. Today was a happy day. One of his best actually! Well so far, considering it was only morning.
But of course that had to be ruined in the first class of the day.
"Class settle down. Today you'll be starting an assignment. Just getting down the rough draft onto paper," Aizawa's tired gaze danced around the classroom.
Izuku was excited, he loved to write. He can even write for extended periods if time without his hand cramping, but that was beside the point.
"On Thursday you'll be doing an oral presentation to better both your planning and public speaking skills. The audience will be your classmates and there will be absolutely no judgement or else you'll be put into detention with me as a punishment."
'I wonder what the topic is...' Izuku thought.
"I'm sure all of you are wondering what the topic is, so I'll tell you now. The topic of your oral presentation will be what your back up plan was if you didn't get the chance to become a hero. If you have any questions I'll be in the teachers lounge during break. Class is dismissed." Aizawa headed back out of the classroom and the chatter began.
"I am excited to hear all of your presentations!" Iida's voice boomed over all the others.
Other were saying how the hadn't given it much thought. Others saying how they would just bullshit the assignment and come up with something random so they didn't flunk.
Now Izuku... He was an interesting case. He like others hadn't given it much thought, but for a completely different reason.
He felt his throat tightening and the first sparks of a panic attack.
"Shut the hell up! Damn extras... I've never had a back up plan!" Bakugou barked with little pops going off in his hands.
Izuku flinched at the close proximity to the mini explosions. His mind was racing. Thoughts were flying in at high speeds confusing him and increasing his panic.
He had to talk to Aizawa. That was the one coherent thought he formed.
He hurriedly gathered his stuff and made his way out the door.
"Hey Deku? What about you?" A voice asked from behind him.
"Uh sorry. I-I have to do something!" He called back.
He navigated himself down the long hallways and nearly ran into another student, who had left the 1-A classroom before him.
"Hey watch were you're going!" The blur of purple yelled at him.
"I'm so sorry Shinsou!"
When he finally made it to the teachers lounge, he took a minute to calm his breathing and prepare to spill to his homeroom teacher. (Which proved to be harder than he originally thought. Asking for help and telling others how he felt was not his thing.)
He flung the door open, effectively startling the teachers and waking up Aizawa.
"Midoriya is everything okay?" Midnight asked.
"No. Wait yes. Yes everything is fine. I just um," he made eye contact with Aizawa and immediately looked away. 'okay okay maybe I can't do this. I should just leave.'
He could just bullshit the assignment like some of his other classmates. No no if he doesn't do this now, he never will and apparently that's not good if he learned anything with Iida and the Stain situation.
"Aizawa-Sensei I need to talk to-to you." He looked at the wall behind his tired teacher.
Somebody tapped his shoulder and he jumped.
"Sorry but I need him right now," Shinsou spoke from behind him.
"R-right. I can just wait. Sorry to bother everyone." He tightened his grip on his backpack straps and pulled his lower lip between his teeth, biting down hard.
He turn around, careful to avoid the other teen this time, and shuffled away.
"Midoriya wait, will it take you within five minutes to tell me what you need?" Aizawa asked cooley.
"Technically yes since I could probably tell you everything in that time. But I am 100% sure the conversation after will be much longer than that. Its- yeah." He rubbed the back of his neck nervously.
Aizawa cocked his eyebrow suspiciously but responded with a simple okay and sent him on his way and telling Shinsou to come in.
Izuku could feel his anxiety rising and needed to get back to his dorm before he completely freaked out. He tapped his fingers on his backpack straps as he walked quickly, to his dorm, hopefully to calm down before his next class.
'Alright Izuku, just stay calm focus onnnnn uhhh your favorite show. Yes do that.'
He zoned out thinking about his favorite thing to watch, feeling his anxiety lessen because well, he never really felt anything when he zoned out.
_____
He set his bag down on the floor, and himself along with it. He let out a shakey breath and stared at the ceiling for a few minutes before getting back up and heading to his next class.
_____
"Deku! Where were you?" Uraraka came up to him with Iida following behind.
"Sorry guys! I had to talk to Aizawa about something," he replied sheepishly. Shinsou raised and eyebrow, knowing damn well he was the one talking to Aizawa.
"Oh gotcha! Well hurry up class is starting!" Why is she so bubbly all the time?
"Yes! It is unbecoming of a UA student to be late for class!" Iida added on.
_____
At the end of school, Izuku found Aizawa again, in the teachers lounge.
"Aizawa-Sensei... are you free to talk now?" He rolled the ends of his backpack string things up and unrolled them.
"I suppose. Do you want to go some place private to talk?" Aizawa stood up slowly.
"Um yes, I think that that would be best."
"Alright where would you feel the most comfortable talking? We could go to an empty classroom, your dorm room, the teachers quarters, we could just walk around campus if that's what you want. Whatever to make you feel the most comfortable. Because what I gather from this, whatever it is, isn't exactly pleasant."
Izuku let out a small laugh, "Well you got that right. Um I don't know, I guess my dorm room?" Izuku looked toward his teacher for approval."Is that uh is that okay?"
"Yes Midoriya that's fine."
The two continued their walk in silence and Izuku fidgeted with his hands the whole way there.
The arrival of both the teacher and their classmate was weird since it didn't usually happen. There were a few whispered questions of confusion but that's about it.
They made their way to the elevator and up to the second floor. Izuku walked into his room, Aizawa following after and closed the door after he went in.
"Sorry about the," he waved his hand around the room referencing all of the All Might merchandise. "Um you can sit on my chair or something.
Aizawa blinked a few times but said nothing and sat on the chair. Izuku sat down in his bed.
"So I uh... I can't do the presentation."
"And why is that?" Aizawa raised an eyebrow.
"Well- this is- sorry. I need to preface this by saying um... I was quirkless un-until I was fourteen."
"I'm not following, what do you mean you were quirkless until you were fourteen?"
'Great, he doesn't believe me. Maybe this was a mistake. Probably should've just kept this to myself.'
"I-I didn't develop my-my quirk until that age."
"Okay but what does that have to do with the assignment? As far as I'm aware you've had your heart set on being a hero even if you didn't have a back up you could still do the assignment."
"Honestly Sensei, I thought that I would be dead by now." He folded and in folded his hands in his lap.
It felt like a long time, but really was only a few seconds, before he looked at his teacher. He could feel the tears beginning to form in the corners of his eyes.
Aizawa's face showed the usual tiredness but his features looked softer, less tense.
"Sensei? Is-is it my fault?"
"Is what your fault?"
"Kacchan he-he hated me for, you know, being quirkless. And even now, he thinks I was faking it and-and he thinks I was looking down on him. Why would I fake something like that? Everything thing was horrible before UA. But even here, Shinsou. He hates me for having a strong quirk. He thinks that I've been praised my whole life, and he thinks I had a good life! I can't even tell him that he's wrong. You know... my dad left because I was quirkless and blamed my mom for that. And he blamed me for being useless to the world. And when my dad left... my mom she-she hated me told me I was the cause of the divorce. I was five! What was I supposed to do. Is it my fault?" Tears were flowing down his cheeks steadily at this point.
"No kid. None of that is your fault. And you are not useless. That's not something you should be thinking." Aizawa would be talking to his son, Shinsou about that maybe help the boys understand each other a bit better.
"Thanks."
"I have some questions I'd like you to answer. You don't have to if you don't want to but I'm still going to ask. Is that okay?"
Izuku nodded his head.
"Okay good good. Let's start with schooling before highschool... What was happening when everybody else was getting their quirks but you didn't. I'd like to hear specifically about you and Bakugou."
"W-well, really the rest of the kids in my grade were starting to exclude me around that time. But when Kacchan got his quirk he was slowly becoming... just angry. He was the first one to use their quirk on me. I still have a small scar on my forearm."
"Why did he use his quirk on you?"
"Well I was trying to stop him from hurting another kid."
"Okay. When do you think the worst of the bullying was?"
"Um probably my middle school years. Everyone had a pretty good handle on their quirks. But it was the worst in my third year of middle school."
"Did you ever try telling an adult what was going on?"
"Yeah a few times actually. But they just told me I was being dramatic or didn't listen me. One even told me to stop antagonizing Kacchan. So I gave up after a while. You're the first teacher that's ever actually treated me like a person. But then again I have a quirk now," he muttered the last sentence under his breath. It was still caught by the trained ears of his teacher though.
"If you're implying I would treat you different if we're still quirkless, you're wrong."
"Sorry. I shouldn't have said that."
"It's okay. It's not your fault for thinking that way." Izuku nodded silently.
"I know you said you thought you would be dead by now, have you tried or had any attempts so far?"
"I- yeah. Only twice I think. Yeah just two times. No failed attempts just almost done it."
"Alright. Do you think you could tell me about those times?"
"Uh- yeah sure. Well uh the first time, I was home alone, my mom was at work, and she has these prescription pills in the bathroom but she came home and that's the end of that. And that was in my second year of middle school? Yeah."
"What about the second time?"
"Ah- that was in my third year. That was a- that was quite a day. First my teacher called me out for wanting to come here for highschool, everybody laughed at me. Then after school a classmate told me to jump of the roof and hope I get a quirk in my next life so that's fun," Izuku laughed a little but Aizawa didn't find that funny at all.
"Anyways, after that the same classmate destroyed one if my notebooks and threw it out the window and it landed in the koi pond. So that was destroyed. And on my way home I was attacked by a villain and they called me a perfect sized invisibility cloak, they were the sludge dude that attacked Kacchan too but I'll tell you about that later. The sludge dude was, I don't really know how to explain it, but I can still feel the sludge around me and down my throat sometimes. Can't eat jello anymore because of it, makes me gag. I passed out after that. There was this hero that saved me and he had the villain in two soda bottles for containment and I wanted his autograph but he was leaving and I kind of grabbed his leg which knocked the villain out of his pants and we landed on a roof," Izuku took in a deep breath and let it out shakily.
"I asked i-if I could be a hero even if I was quirkless and-and he told me I should be realistic and he left me on the roof. That kind of hurt a lot since he was someone I looked up to, I mean I still do but I still think about that sometimes. Didn't kill myself though, I heard and explosion and went to check it out and Kacchan was being held hostage by the villain that had me. None of the heroes around were doing anything so I ran out and at least tried, then A-All Might came! After Kacchan was saved I got scolded and he got praised for his bravery. If I hadn't done anything All Might wouldn't have done anything. He told me, I know about his time limit and injury by the way just to clear that up. Sorry I rambled there for a bit. That was a long story."
Aizawa made a weird mouth noise as he tried to process the information shoved down his throat.
"Midoriya... you know what the classmate said is called suicide baiting and it's illegal right? That kind of thing is absolutely not okay even if it was said to a horrible villain."
"I-I know I just, I don't know. Sorry."
"Stop apologizing to me please. We'll move onto a different topic now if you're up for it."
"Er- yeah that's fine." Aizawa took a minute to let Izuku get his thoughts straight.
"Okay, let's talk about your home life. Is that okay?"
"Um I- uh yes. That's-that's fine." Izuku began to fidget with his fingers in his lap again. This raised a few red flags in Aizawa's book but he was patient.
"This might be a little too far back for you to remember, but what was your father like before the divorce?"
"I don't remember much it's kind of spotty in my memory but I know he was always quick to anger and he ye-yelled um a lot. He never hit me or mom though! But he said a lot of bad to things to my-my mom about both of us. That's all I really remember, sorry."
"Its- that's fine. What was it like with your mom alone before you got your quirk?"
Izuku looked up at the ceiling and an empty part of the wall next to him.
"Um well she was sad for a while after my-my dad left and she yelled at me a lot when I was younger, less as I got older. Um she never hit me either! She worked a lot and she-she still does. She blamed me for my dad um leaving and yeah. Uh she's a busy person so she couldn't always make time to play or do things with me, which is fine. Um I think that's all," Izuku finished, clearly lying. That wasn't all that she did in his childhood and early teens. She used to leave him home for days with little to no food, or only make some for herself.
Aizawa was skeptical but asked the next questions anyways.
"And what about after it developed?"
"It's nice when I'm home she always had food in the fridge when I get there with a little sticky note on it," he swallowed, Aizawa didn't need to know the contents of the sticky note, "she's-she's a good mom you know."
"Right. Did you two have any meals together ever?"
He could feel a bead of sweat dripping down his forehead. "Yeah! We usually have a meal together when I'm home," he always wondered how lies always came so easily to him. And how it was so easy to hide the emotions he was really feeling.
"Back to school, well I guess it could be a home question too. Did you have any coping methods to help deal with the discrimination and the negative environment at home? Could be good or bad doesn't matter. If it is a negative one I would appreciate if you told me so we could help replace it with a positive one if it's ongoing still."
"Um yeah. I have a few, um quirk analysis in my notebooks there's a lot in those. I still do that more of a hobby now though. Uh sometimes I zone out and think of a bunch of different things to keep my mind of current things. I do that a lot."
Izuku debated on whether or not to tell him about the self harm. Yeah he probably should but that's a very difficult thing. Who is he kidding this entire conversation is horrifically difficult.
"I'm guessing there's more considering, you're lost in your thoughts. Tell me what your thinking about," Aizawa's tone was always soft, when he was asking the questions but he stayed as a neutral person in this endeavor.
"Well um I had-have another one but I-I don't really... uh sorry. My other one was uh self-self harm. I uh yeah." Izuku looked ashamed at what he just confessed. He pulled at the blanket beneath him. He hadn't even noticed Aizawa move down, and flinched when the older man's hand came down on his shoulder.
"Midoriya, look at me. Thank you for telling me. I know it took a lot to say that. I'm proud of you." Shocked, Izuku looked up at his teacher, once again sprouting tears.
"What?"
"I said I'm proud of you. Really I am." Aizawa gave the younger boy a soft smile.
"Thank you sir. That means a lot to me."
"Okay I have one maybe two more questions for now is that okay?"
"Yeah, yes that's fine."
Aizawa nodded. "When was the last time that you self harmed or thought about doing it?"
Izuku took a calming down breath.
"A couple weeks ago, I had a really bad day and that was the last time that I cut myself. Thought about doing it? I don't know, a few days ago? Someone said something that really made my skin itch."
"Okay, thank you for trusting me with this. Last question. Do you think you would be able to identify what made you feel the urge to harm yourself on those days so that maybe the next time it happens you could talk to someone before you do that? You could come to me or a friend. You could talk to Hound Dog as well. His door is always open if you need someone to talk to."
"Yeah I... I could do that." Izuku smiled to his teacher.
"Good. Now for you replacement assignment. You could do an oral presentation of a quirk analysis or really any topic of your choice. Don't make it a stupid presentation I'm still grading it with the rest of the classes got it?"
"Yes sir! I can do that."
"Good, if you ever need someone to talk to, you have my number and you know where to find me. I have to talk with another student if that's all we need to discuss."
"Yup! Bye Sensei."
The teacher left Izuku's room and walked immediately next door to talk to Shinsou, who took Mineta's room. Aizawa left the room with a new checklist in mind. First he had to talk to Shinsou. Then he needed to talk the Bakugou. He had a few phone calls to make. A few reports to make at the police station. And a lot of paperwork.
Izuku decided he wanted to do a quirk analysis on one of his other favorite heroes, Present Mic, he had a really cool quirk in Izuku's opinion.
_____ EXTRA BIT: AIZAWA AND SHINSOU
Aizawa knocked on the door, waiting for any kind of response. The purple haired resident of the dorm room opened the door and let Aizawa in.
"Hitoshi how do you feel about Midoriya?"
'Wow blunt much?'
"Um I don't know. I guess I envy him, he's got such a great quirk. He's too damn happy all the time I don't get it."
'It's a trauma response Hitoshi you should know this. Nobody is just that happy all the time,' Aizawa thought to himself. Shinsou always was the one to help out the other kids in his foster homes.
"You know, you too aren't that different."