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Soonyoung had been doing well while keeping his cool after caratland a few weeks ago. He’s aware of his temper especially when it’s about their performances but he couldn’t help it. Their group had been through a lot and they all know they can’t easily relax after getting a taste of being worldwide artists.
That’s what he tells himself.
But he knows. He knows it well enough that he doesn’t need to be sooooo strict anymore. They’re all professionals. And he trusts them with his whole heart.
After sulking for a bit (and reflecting) he comes out of his room and sees Jeonghan on the couch watching some drama. “Oh, Hoshingie. Did you rest well?”
You can scold me for sulking though… He thinks. “Yeah… Hyung I–“
“You must be hungry then, do you want to eat first? We bought some foods you’d like. You should eat since you kept on skipping your lunch for a while now and you’re always in the practice room at night… Skipping your dinner as well.”
Why is he so nice… “I know, I’m sorry for that… I guess.” He says as he walks to the kitchen to finally eat at the right time after reflecting for 2 days. He smiles as he sees his favorite dishes prepared.
I’m really surrounded by people who care about me.
More reasons for me to change then…
As he reheats his meals he sees Seungkwan come out of the bathroom looking good even with his bare face. “Ah, Young-ah! You’re finally out of your cocoon!”
Trying so hard not to cringe after being reminded continuously of how he shut off everyone, he just smiled sheepishly and shrugged, “Yeah, sorry about that… But, why’d you shower in the middle of the day though? Isn’t it rest day?”
“What to do with you hyung… You seriously did not open even our manager’s messages? Hyung, we have to record today for the next comeback. Then we have a dance practice after dinner.”
“Oh? That quick? Haven’t we just finished promotions? As expected of Jihoon-ie, he’s a genius.”
Seungkwan snickers as he thinks, (did he just skip all the other words I said and focused on the Jihoon part? He’s so obvious.) “Yeah I know, Jihoon hyung already polished some songs and wanted us to try it.”
He’s only halfway his food and it’s been an hour since he started eating, he’s so distracted – thinking of possible alternative ways to approach his members when he’s getting frustrated. But, he knows deep inside that he’ll just keep it all inside. A bad mindset, he knows.
“Hoshingie, are you not done yet? We should go together now. You’re the second person to record.”
Am I done eating? No. I’m halfway from finishing it.
Go? Together? Now? I thought we’d go separately.
Second person. Second. Comes after first. What the fuck.
I haven’t even learned about the song, the lyrics, the melody, the rhythm, I haven’t warmed my vocals up yet… I’m the second person to record. Fuck. What do I do. The members will be frustr–
For some reasons Jeonghan interrupts his train of thoughts (Jeonghan probably saw his internal conflict) and said, “C’mon finish that up and prepare. Seungkwan and I will wait for you, don’t panic. You can listen to the song while we’re on the van.”
I really love Jeonghan hyung. I really really really do.
The songs have been playing non-stop in the van and Soonyoung’s got every second of it embedded in his head. It’s a good song, but he thinks no words can describe it. Adding the fact that it’s his Jihoon’s raw vocals that he gets to hear. Eargasm.
After a few more repetition of the songs, he finally sees the entrance of the HYBE building.
He smiles, they really worked hard and here they are. He has the best members and best fans. He’s happy. And excited. Excited to see Jihoon after not seeing him for two days and most of all, one glimpse of Jihoon is enough to calm the chaos in his mind.
Except, the moment he enters Jihoon’s studio, he does not see the face he’d been excited to see. In front of him are nine VERY familiar faces.
He shouldn’t be shocked to see them, they are after all, his members.
But, we always record by two’s or three’s… Never the whole group. Instead of calmness, his mind was filled with even more chaos. He’s shaking, all eyes are on him and he doesn’t know why because Jeongan and Seungkwan are with him.
Why are they only looking at me?
Ah right, I haven’t been talking with anyone.
“Took you guys long enough, we already recorded first since Jeonghan hyung told us he had a stomachache earlier. You can record now though.” He hears a voice from his left side, a voice he wanted– no, wants to hear 24/7. He looks to his side and feels his heart rate quicken.
Jihoon.
Jihoon.
Jihoon.
He’s here. Jihoon.
And suddenly, his mind was full of his voice and his face. Full of Jihoon.
Wait.
“Jeonghan hyung”, “stomach ache…” What? But wasn’t he waiting at the couch for me?
He looks back and sees Jeonghan only smiling at him and urging him to go in.
Again. I really love Jeonghan hyung. I really really really do.
When he’s inside the recording room, he’s back to shaking, to clammy hands, to a helpless state of mind.
You see, he isn’t always like this. He’s confident. But everyone has their days, and it’s been a few hours only since he started to recover. And now he has to record a song he only heard for thirty minutes in front of 11 people with his fake enthusiasm and confidence.
He’s suddenly scared. He’ll have to record more. More than he usually does, because he’s nervous and he doesn’t know the song well.
And that, he does. At first the members were laughing at him, teasing him.
He would have answered back if this happened when he’s on a better state of mind. But he’s not, so he keeps himself mum and asks Jihoon to allow him to sing again.
Again.
And again.
Again and again.
Soon enough, the members were getting agitated. They were correcting Soonyoung, and each time he gets the pitch correct, he gets the others wrong. It’s a cycle. For 20 minutes.
The members inside the studio are starting to decrease, one by one they’re giving vague reasons so they could get out.
Until it’s only Soonyoung, Jihoon and Seokmin inside the room. The two of them are the most patient when it comes to guiding him in recording. So when Seokmin stands up and tells them he has to go out and eat with the others, Soonyoung is pushed down even more in his headspace.
He fights back. Doesn’t allow his vulnerability to show. So, he waves and tries to smile at Seokmin.
Soonyoung and Jihoon. It’s just them now. And he looks down, it’s been 45 minutes… Almost an hour for him to record and not a single one can be used. His line isn’t even more than 7 seconds.
What the fuck is wrong with me. His refusal to show his vulnerable side; continuous mistakes; and frustrated members… He gets mad. He’s angry with the piling problems and himself.
“Ah, Jihoonie is it okay to go again? I’m sorry.” But, never with his Jihoonie. He can but he won’t, not that he has any reasons to begin with because Jihoon had always been patient to him.
Jihoon sees through him, no matter how much Soonyoung tries to shake it off with a smile, he sees the frown and the internal conflict that he’s been feeling.
“Yeah, sure it’s okay to go again. But, we should take a break first.” Jihoon replies, while typing something on his computer.
Oh no. He made Jihoon tired. “I’m sor–”
“No, not a single apology. I don’t want to hear that, I’m not tired. I just want you to rest, you know I can see through your façade. C’mon outside, they started eating. We can record again tomorrow, the computer isn’t going anywhere, neither do I. You know that.”
“Neither do I.” And then, all the storms inside him are once again gone. All because of simple words from Jihoon.
He goes outside the recording room with a shy smile on his face and suddenly, his face is all beet red.
Jihoon kissed him on the cheeks. Jihoon kissed him. Jihoon kissed him. Jihoon kissed him.
Fuck this nervousness. He thinks and finally shows Jihoon a genuine smile after two and a half days.
That’s better. Jihoon thinks as he rushes to get out, hoping that Soonyoung didn’t see how he blushed. It’s enough that one of them is flustered, no one needs to know that both of them are.
After having a dinner that’s only supposed to energize them, they started to stretch and prepare for their dance practice.
Soonyoung sighs, he wasn’t able to eat that much during dinner because he was busy worrying about their practice. Because he already got mad during recording, what more during practice where he usually bursts out of anger.
He nervous but he’s determined to change. And he tries and he does.
He’s aware and understands that practices are done to correct mistakes and to perform well. That’s what he does normally, he corrects the mistakes. But he has a complicated way of correcting the members. Loud; harsh; cold; and defensive. That’s what the members hate.
Gentle and soft correction works for the members but Soonyoung learned during their pre-debut that the more he shows authority, the more others follow his command.
And that’s wrong, he isn’t superior among his members. They’re all equal.
That’s what he repeats in his mind while practicing, even if he sees the small mistakes Seungcheol does, even if he sees Mingyu raising his arms a bit too much, even if Jun looks too timid at one part, he shuts himself up.
Now, even if the members wished that he no longer gets too sensitive when it comes to their performance, Soonyoung’s behavior baffles them. Sure, they’ve seen him go through bad days but he usually can’t stop himself from speaking up during rehearsals.
This isn’t the Soonyoung they know. The older members are getting worried and the younger members are getting alarmed.
And Jihoon, he’s quiet. He can see the gears inside his members’ heads turning and he sees Soonyoung struggling. He doesn’t fully understand yet but he thinks he gets a part of it, judging how Soonyoung flinches every time he gets a move wrong but keeps his mouth shut.
They’re supposed to practice for 3 hours only, but the staff decides that they can go a little longer since they need to perform their old songs.
Which means Soonyoung needs to control himself longer.
5 hours into practice, 5 hours of watching the members perform without him speaking anything that the members might consider harsh and cold and, 5 hours of Jihoon observing Soonyoung.
Up until now, Soonyoung is doing well. Maybe.
Until the members are slowly getting disturbed with how he acts. They kept on asking him, and he keeps on dismissing them. But, Minghao speaks up.
“Hyung, what’s wrong with you?” Minghao didn’t even say it with hostility, he said it gently as if he’s asking a crying lost child the whereabouts of their parents. Something he cannot do.
However, he’s Soonyoung and he’s been on edge for HOURS. He’d been keeping his emotions in check.
He thinks they’re mad at him again. He’s doing something wrong again. The members are probably tired of him sulking for two days acting like a kid getting his lollipop stolen, tired of him continuously getting the pitch wrong during recording as if he isn’t a professional and, tired of him because he’s too difficult to handle.
His blood boils. Not because of Minghao, not because of his members. But, at himself. Mad because he can’t control himself. Mad because he thinks so lowly of his members. He knows his members the best after spending half of his life with them.
Yet, he thinks of them like that. I don’t deserve them at all, they’re so good to me.
And his world crumbles.
“Hyung?” His knees buckle.
“Hyung,” His eyes water.
“Soonyoung,” And his breath staggers.
He can’t breathe.
“KWON SOONYOUNG!” He looks up with wide eyes, hearing Jihoon scream.
Soonyoung is confused. When did he get to the couch? Why are the members faces so worried? The members aren’t near him, as if giving him a space. Only Jihoon’s next to him softly holding and tapping his face and whispering words he thinks he doesn’t deserve.
Oh and, he’s crying. Too much, if you ask him. He didn’t know nor feel it, he only knew when Jihoon wiped his cheeks.
“Do you want to go to my studio?” Jihoon asks him in a soft voice as if he doesn’t want the others to hear.
Soonyoung chooses not to talk, doesn’t know if he can. So, he nods. And they’re in the studio.
They’re quiet, cuddling on the couch after several minutes of sitting apart and only went closer when Jihoon asked him if he can touch him.
Jihoon sits behind him. Jihoon says it’s because he it would be easier for Soonyoung to rest his back against him. In Jihoon’s mind it’s all because he wants to hug Soonyoung this way.
Only their breaths can be heard, he knows Jihoon wants to know what happened but he’s silent only hugging him while softly kissing his temples and caressing Soonyoung’s hand with his thumb.
Soonyoung knows Jihoon won’t ask him, he respects boundaries so much or maybe he just respects Soonyoung a lot. And considers his feelings a lot too.
So he starts, “Jihoonie.”
Jihoon only hums, afraid to break the silence but wants to tell Soonyoung that he’s listening.
“I’m going to apologize.” He says, but quickly adds as he felt Jihoon getting ready to scold him again, “but, no stop. Let me finish first, okay? I know it’s not bad that I cried and stuff. I know we all feel emotions because I wouldn’t want you to apologize if ever this happens to you as well. But, I wanna apologize for forgetting that you guys care about me.”
Jihoon remains unmoving for a minute, it almost starts to scare Soonyoung but he speaks, “you know for the two days you stopped talking to all of us again, it wasn’t that worrying. I know you always take some time off and focus on yourself. I love that you do that. But, when Jeonghan hyung messaged me earlier to say that you guys will be late, I knew from that moment that something was wrong.”
He sighs, “Jeonghan hyung wouldn’t say that Seungkwan and you are waiting for him if it was really true. He would have forced you both to go first knowing that the three of you are first ones to record. And then you came in the studio with a grimace on your face, that confirmed my assumptions. You didn’t respond to the members provocations. You didn’t eat during dinner. You were obviously struggling during rehearsals. All of that caused uneasiness to grow inside my system. You didn’t even rant to me.”
Soonyoung, he’s speechless. He knows Jihoon loves him but he didn’t know that he pays attention to him this much. “I don’t really want to hear you apologize, just wanna hear what’s bothering you. Take your time, you have me here as long as you want.” Jihoon adds and assures.
He can never say no to Jihoon, maybe in the next lifetime, he still isn’t sure though. So he takes a deep breath, and tries to create a flow of how he should say things to Jihoon but in the end he just says whatever he wants while trying to hold back his tears. He’s such a baby, he thinks.
“Ah, I don’t know where to start. But, Jihoonie. You remember Seungcheol hyung’s wish?”
Jihoon is still softly speaking to him, “Yeah? About your anger. What about it, hmm?”
“That’s what I thought of the most during the two days I was out of it. Jihoonie you don’t even have to pretend as if my outbursts doesn’t affect you as well. Or maybe not directly, but we both know that a single person with a bad mood can affect the whole group. And I repeatedly told myself that things have to change within me if I don’t want a change to happen within the group. It was very scary and heartbreaking to think of the group changing because I couldn’t control myself. So I tried to change. I don’t know if it worked or if it worsened. I thought that if I kept my mouth shut you guys won’t have to deal with me spitting bullshit. But then, you – the members, they kept on asking me about what’s wrong with me. It suddenly felt too much. I thought of bad things about our members,
“He thinks they’re mad at him again. He’s doing something wrong again. The members are probably tired of him sulking for two days acting like a kid getting his lollipop stolen, tired of him continuously getting the pitch wrong during recording as if he isn’t a professional and, tired of him because he’s too difficult to handle.”
I never felt so bad. I couldn’t control my emotions nor my thoughts. And I’m crying right now as if I am the victim...”
Jihoon for the first time during that day, feels tension get out of his system. Considering how Soonyoung opened up about feeling upset because of his thoughts and the members, he knows he shouldn’t feel relief. But that’s all he can feel.
He’s glad that it’s a misunderstanding. Something that he can fix, that the members can fix. Grateful that Soonyoung opened up. Appreciates that Soonyoung, at the end of the day, still decides to do what he thinks is the best for the group.
He fixes their bodies and makes Soonyoung sit on his lap. Soonyoung definitely isn’t blushing.
Taking Soonyoung’s face in his hands and makes him stare at his eyes, he smiles at him. Soonyoung albeit confused with Jihoon’s reaction just smiles back.
“Firstly, baby, thank you for trusting the members; for showing us your vulnerability and for trusting me to open these up. Second, all of your emotions are valid. You cannot control how you feel and that is completely normal, you don’t have to hide it from us. But hey, what you can control is how you show those emotions, hmm? Communicate with us. Third, it’s great that you have self-awareness but you don’t have to abruptly change everything. You can start slowly, my pace isn’t yours; their pace isn’t yours. The members and I are all here to guide you through that change, do not do this only for the sake of the group but, for yourself as well. And, no please. Never keep your feelings to yourself, you have 12 soulmates by your side. You can choose whoever you want, I promise you we are more than happy to hear your thoughts. Lastly, I don’t know if it’s normal to think of bad things towards people we hold to our hearts but I want to remind you the even families fight and have bad days. I want to remind you that we love you unconditionally no matter how many profanities come out of your mouth when you’re mad. Talk to us baby, we’d love to hear you every time.”
By the time Jihoon finished talking he already has a big baby all snotty and whiny on his lap with his head tucked deep into Jihoon’s neck. He rather feels than sees how wet his shirt became. And he wishes it’s tears and not something else.
But not only Soonyoung on his lap is crying because right after he had Soonyoung on his lap, the members were slowly and quietly entering the room. They might not have heard the whole explanation of Soonyoung but, they already understand some of it due to Jihoon’s words and that’s enough to put tears into their eyes.
Because before anything else, before SEVENTEEN’s Hoshi, Soonyoung is their friend; their younger brother; and older brother. Someone they deeply cherish.
The youngest ones were the first to initiate the group hug, Chan dragging Vernon and Seungkwan towards Soonyoung and Jihoon. And before Jihoon knew it, he’s under 12 grown men trying to comfort his Soonyoung with affection and positive words that are slowly making Soonyoung smile and blush.
And while the members are starting to tease one another again, Jihoon tightens his hold on Soonyoung once again before he whispers directly into his ears,
“Baby, Soonyoungie, thank you for choosing us. For choosing me. You’re a wonderful person, remember that. I love you more than you’ll ever know. I love you no matter what emotion you show, because all I know is that you’re my Soonyoung. I’ve seen you at your worst, I’ve been with you in the very beginning and I will be with you beyond the end. I know the members will be with us as well, let’s just trust each other hmm? Again, I love you baby.”
"I love you too. A lot. And I missed you, I'm sorry for disappearing again." He whispers back to Jihoon. And they just smiled at each other and basked in each other's warmth.
No matter how shallow or deep the story is from other person’s perspective, if it bothers or upsets the person, their emotions are valid. No one can tell someone else to stop feeling that way. It doesn’t help anyone if you tell them to do such thing.
And change is constant. But should never be forced. Others and even things take a lot of time and effort before it can transform into something beautiful. Some places had to go through a catastrophe before it became a place like no other. Life isn’t a race, everyone went through different paths and obstacles before they got to where they are right now.
Like Soonyoung, everyone knows that he went through so much before he became SEVENTEEN’s Hoshi. But he knows that without his members he wouldn’t be Hoshi as well. That’s why he chooses to do something for the members yet do it in his own pace.