Work Text:
Speak, Memory
It started with a fight. It always does when it was the two of them. Midoriya and Bakugo (why, why were they always paired together??) had been sent to do the dorm shopping for the week and, of course, the store they were in had an attempted robbery. The bad guy was taken down near instantly, but that victory was soured by the immediate fight that had broken out between the two boys.
“Damnit, Deku, I had him!” Bakugo was snarling at Midoriya, who flinched back before stiffening his shoulders as he shot back, “He had a gun aimed at your head, Kacchan!”
“I know, idiot! And I. Had. Him.”
“He’s captured now so what does it even matter! Why are you always yelling at me??”
Katsuki’s angry retort was cut off when one of the kids that had been cowering in the back of the store ran between the two heroes. Before either could react, he had both of their wrists in his tiny grip and a determined look on his face.
“Oi, kid, let me go!” Bakugo growled, pulling his hand back but not with any real force. It was just a kid, after all.
“No! You fight like mommy and daddy used to!” The kid shouted, his fingers tight. He had dark blue hair and bright blue eyes that were flashing with sparks, “But I can fix it!”
A bright flash emitted from his hands around the heroes’ wrists and a vibrant green light shot across the child’s arms from Izuku’s to Bakugo’s. When the light faded, Midoriya fell backwards with a quiet thump as the kid let go of them both.
“Kid, what the hell did you just do?” Katsuki was holding his now freed wrist as if it was broken, though he felt no pain.
“Kioku! What did you do?” A woman shouted, she was running up to the boy, her matching indigo colored hair revealing that she was his mother.
“They were fighting like you and daddy did, so I’m gonna fix it!” He said, stubbornly. The mother sighed and turned to the two shellshocked UA students. Then, to the two’s growing horror, she explained what had happened.
Kioku’s quirk was called “Memory”. It allowed him to link two people and show one person the other person’s memories. He didn’t have much control over it yet, so he couldn’t pick the memories yet, but his mother Natsuku, explained that the memories would take over in small pieces, with the second person living the memory as the first person experienced it. It shouldn’t last more than a few days, Natsuku said, apologizing deeply and begging them to forgive her son. “Kioku’s father and I used to fight,” she admitted, “But when Kioku’s Quirk manifested we shared each other’s memories from childhood and we just…understand each other now.” She smiled at the two. “I’m sorry he used it on you, but maybe it will help?”
Bakugo snorted, “Not fucking likely.”
“Wait, so which one of us?” Midoriya asked, face pale.
“The loud one gets yours!” Kioku exclaimed proudly, and Midoriya wanted to melt through the floor.
~~~~~~
Aziawa just wants to sleep. He sighed deeply and pinched his brow.
“Bakugo, no sparring until this is over. We don’t know how this would affect you in the middle of a fight.” Bakugo had opened his mouth furious to protest when his vision suddenly grayed at the edges and
“Izuku, baby, do you want some food?” a soft voice cooed. Bakugo recognized it as Auntie Inko as a warm feeling flooded his chest. Izuku’s love for his mother was so strong Bakugo thought it might strangle him. He could only really see impressions of Inko, her green hair and smiling face, and there behind her was a shadow of a man with his hand on her shoulder. Izuku felt safe and loved and so did Bakugo.
Bakugo came back to himself with his mouth still open and the whole class staring at him. He clutched his fists and shot a glare at Deku, who instantly averted his gaze with a squeak.
“You just spaced out for a minute there, Bakugo. Was that one of them?” Aizawa asked.
“Ugh, yes. That was gross.” He wrinkled his face at just how friggen mushy the memory had been. Aizawa just looked at him, bored. “Okay, definitely no sparring. Take your seat. Midoriya, take notes for him if he spaces out again.”
“Yes, sir!”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bakugo was going to go insane. At first, it wasn’t so bad. Most of the memories were short, little snippets of Midoriya’s childhood. Easy enough for Bakugo to deal with, if annoying as fuck. The damn nerd was such a mama’s boy that most of them were just of Inko. But each memory came with all of Deku’s thoughts and feelings and it make Bakugo want to crawl out of his own skin. Even though the shitty nerd didn’t know what he was seeing, (and Bakugo wasn’t about to talk about it) Bakugo still felt vaguely guilty. That feeling got worse when the soft memories of Deku’s early childhood started to include him.
“Wow, Kacchan sugoi!” Little Deku exclaimed, hands clenched in excitement as he watched (and Bakugo watched, how weird is that) little Kacchan lighting up his palms with sparks.
“Heh, I know it’s awesome, right? I’m gonna be the best hero!” Deku was nodding so emphatically Bakugo felt vaguely queasy, or maybe that was from the pure unadulterated admiration that was flowing through him/them. He followed behind kid Bakugo as he was led around the playground, never once wavering his gaze from his friends back.
The realization of just how much Deku looked up to him was messing with Bakugo’s own memories of their relationship, and it made Katsuki’s stomach twist whenever he looked over at the oblivious idiot. “Stupid Deku,” he thought, “It doesn’t matter if you were an idiot back then too.”
~~~~~~~~~
The memory of being diagnosed as Quirkless hit while Bakugo was alone in his room and it fucking hurt. He knew it had hit Deku hard but knowing it and feeling it were two very different things. The doctor’s office and the ringing in Deku’s ears and his mom – Auntie Inko – sobbing like it was her dreams that were crushed and not his, damnit, Deku’s. Bakugo had come to crying and he wanted to scream. He was Bakugo Katsuki, damnit. Not that shitty nerd. He didn’t burst into tears at any little thing. He settled back into his bed with a sigh, throwing his arm over his eyes. Just a couple more days and then he could go back to thinking about things from Deku’s perspective just as much as he had before. Which is to say, not at all.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bakugo was spared the memory of Deku’s dad actually leaving. In fact, if he thought about it, he’d realize that other than that first memory of the shadow next to Auntie Inko, he’d never seen Deku’s dad in any of the memories. But when the next memory hit during class, Bakugo learned about the fallout.
It was dark, Izuku knew he should be in bed but Mom has sounded so sad at dinner and he just wanted to check on her. He crept slowly up to his parents – his mom’s now, just his mom’s – bedroom door when he heard it. He flinched back at the sound of Mom’s muffled crying. The Midoriya’s were criers, Bakugo knows this, but he’d never heard Auntie Inko sound like this. It made something pulse terribly in his/Deku’s chest.
Izuku sat down with his back to the door, hunching over himself as he listened to his mom sob uncontrollably. He knew it was his fault. Dad had said as much, not looking at him as he packed a bag and said he was going overseas. That he wouldn’t be back. That it was too much to have a Quirkless kid. That he didn’t want to “do this” anymore. And when he was gone, out the door without a single glance back, Izuku had looked at his mom and quietly asked why Dad hated him. Inko’s face had crumpled as she fell to the ground to hold him, like she had when the doctor said he was quirkless, and said over and over that it wasn’t his fault. But Izuku knew she was lying. Bakugo searched for rage in Deku, feeling his own, but there was only a terrifying blankness and acceptance. Izuku rested his head on his knees and promised himself that he’d be better. He’d never complain, never bother her, he’d be the best kid for his mom and maybe, if he was good enough, she wouldn’t leave him too.
Bakugo came back to himself in the classroom and found Kirishima looking at him with concern. He jerked back, “What are you looking at, shitty hair!”
“Nothing!” The redhead said quickly, stepping back, “You were just looking really upset, is all.”
“Tch, I’m fine. Stupid nerd’s just a crybaby even in his own head.” Bakugo said, pointedly not looking anywhere near the nerd as he aggressively opened his notes and turned his attention back to the lesson, trying to ignore the dread building in his chest. Deku was fine, obviously. The idiot was sitting right behind him in friggen UA. His stupid dad didn’t matter.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When the memories shifted to middle school, Bakugo stayed locked in his room. He didn’t want to see these. After Ground Beta, he knew Deku hadn’t really been looking down on him but feeling the admiration Deku felt even as memory Bakugo set off explosions in his face made Bakugo want to punch things. Several things. Including his past self. Each memory of himself as a kid sneering down at Deku felt like a knife to his chest. Feeling Deku’s defiant fear in the face of himself as a bully bothered him in a way he couldn’t handle. He’d already blown up three pillows when
It was nice to know he wasn’t Deku’s only bully, but it turned out he wasn’t even his worst. Bakugo/Izuku was pressed into the ground, trying vainly to lift himself up despite the dirty shoe that was digging into his face. Everything hurt and he was so angry and frustrated that tears were pricking at the corners of his eyes.
“Your Kacchan isn’t here to make us back off,” the boy above sneered, releasing Izuku’s face long enough to kick him in the stomach. Another kick came from the other side and Izuku rolled over and looked up enough to see his tormentor’s faces. Bakugo didn’t recognize either of them as any of the cronies that always followed him around, so who even were these kids? And what the hell did he mean make them back off? He never did any such thing.
Another kick to his face broke Izuku’s nose and now he was crying in earnest, arms up trying to protect himself. Fear and pain rushed through him/them as a hand dug into his hair and pulled him to his feet. “P-please, stop!” he begged as he was dragged across the field outside the school and towards the little storage shed at the other end. Bakugo caught glimpses of teachers turning away from windows, tasted blood on his teeth, and wished, not for the first time, that he could act in these memories. His own fury briefly drowned out Izuku’s fear until he was tossed inside the shed, his battered body smashing into garden tools on the way down.
“Sleep tight, Deku,” the bully said mockingly, “We’ll let you out in the morning, if you don’t die before then!”
“Maybe he’ll do us all a favor and impale himself on a rusty pitchfork,” another voice said, and loud laughter filled the air as a door was slammed in Izuku’s face.
“No, no, no, no, let me out!” he screamed, clawing at the door with already bloody fingers, throwing himself shoulder first trying to bust down the door until he at last gave up, sliding down to sit. Bakugo felt the suffocating fear turn into despair and then Izuku was sobbing and wailing and the thought swirling around his brain over and over was just “I can’t do this anymore.”
Bakugo found himself outside of Deku’s door before he even thought about it, hand raised to knock. For a second, he hesitated, before finally giving in and pounding on the door.
“Coming!” Izuku shouted, before opening the door and eyes widening in surprise. “Kacchan, what?”
“They locked you in a fucking shed.”
Izuku blanched, stepping back. Bakugo used the opportunity to step inside and close the door behind him. “Why didn’t you tell anyone?” he demanded.
Izuku straightened, defiant, “I did, Kacchan! They didn’t believe me!”
“The hell?”
“They didn’t want to “ruin the lives of such promising students”” Deku parroted, face screwed up in bitter anger in a way Bakugo had never seen. He ran frustrated hands through his hair, “Look, it’s in the past now. I know this…memory thing has been hard,” they both winced, “But just, forget about it, okay?”
Bakugo paused for a moment to look him over. Izuku looked tired. More tired than he should, and for the first time Bakugo wondered how Izuku was coping with having someone else see his life like this. It didn’t look like he’d been sleeping.
“Tch, fine. Whatever nerd,” he ground out, stomping his way back out of the room. If the nerd wants him to drop it? Fine, it’s not like he cared anyways.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two days passed with no memories and Bakugo started to relax. Maybe this hell was finally over and he could go back to his life without the nerd in his head all the time. With his newfound freedom, Katsuki had even magnanimously agreed to help tutor Ashido and Kaminari in the common that evening. When he came down, the whole class was camped out studying in small groups. Kirishima and Sero had decided to join his group, Half n’Half and Birdface were chatting in a corner, Pink Cheeks was laying on the floor with Tsu and floating a book above her face, and Deku was hunched over a notebook muttering like crazy with a confused looking Ida next to him.
“DunceFace, how did you not study this the last time I told you too??” Bakugo growled at Kaminari, who whined and hid his face behind his hands, “Come on, Kacchan! Give me a break!” he pleaded. Bakugo’s scathing response was on the tip of his tongue when he felt the rushing feeling of a memory and, damnit I thought I was done, he thought desperately before -
“- and take a swan dive off the roof of the building” His own voice – shit, he’d known this was coming but still, feeling it as Deku was a kind of torture he wouldn’t wish on anyone. Feeling the words sink in and the pure anger and hatred but this undercurrent of fear, fear of him, but also this resigned feeling– like it was expected. But he was turning, angry words on his lips and then he’s seeing his own face lit up with fire and the words die in the face of this awful hopelessness. Bakugo – past Bakugo leaves, and Deku/Bakugo is frozen in place and remembering red spider lilies and Inko crying and he was just in that damn classroom with his fists clenched– and then the thought “Maybe I will” floats through his brain and -
Bakugo was dragged back to himself with a gasp – but the memory isn’t done, and his vision goes gray again –
He was suffocating. It felt like – was this his memory? But no, he was Deku and there as sludge in his mouth and he was dying and how had Katsuki never known that Deku had also encountered the Sludge Villain?
“It will only hurt for a minute, you’ll feel better soon,” that slimly voice is in his ear and Bakugo would’ve shuddered if he could, but he could feel Deku shivering in fear, unable to breathe, desperately trying to claw his way free as tears filled his eyes and they were both begging for help and one thought stood out “Not like this!”
And then he could breathe again and AllMight was there, tapping his cheek to wake him. And good god Bakugo knew Deku was a fanboy but holy shit was his brain going nuts with admiration and excitement and a desperate need to ask AllMight, ask his hero, and of course the damn idiot grabs AllMight’s leg.
And then, he was on a roof.
“Is it possible to be a hero, even without a Quirk?” Of course, Deku would ask, but Bakugo could feel how much the question meant. How much was riding on the answer. Like this was his one chance and
“Without a quirk –“ AllMight started, but then he shrunk. If Bakugo could sigh he would have. Deku is freaking out but Bakugo knew this shit already. He tried to relax after the adrenaline rush of a second ago, tuning out Izuku’s reaction and AllMight’s explanation. One for All, yada yada yada. Couldn’t this friggen Quirk he’s stuck in just skip ahead?
“Can you be a hero - Not without a quirk.” Devastation slammed into him. He felt like he was drowning. Izuku’s ears were ringing – Allmight was still talking but Bakugo/Deku couldn’t hear him and when he looked up AllMight was gone and it was just him/them, on the roof, and this awful numbness rising within him. Bakugo feels like he can’t breathe, their hands are numb, and everything feels far away and too close all at once. Bakugo is used to feeling separate from Izuku’s body but now Izuku is feeling separate from his own body and they’re both just watching.
And then Deku was walking, slowly, head down and unseeing, towards the edge. He dropped his yellow backpack, a burnt notebook slipping to the ground, and then toes off his red shoes mechanically. Horror rises in Bakugo even as he feels nothing but numbness from Deku. No feelings, just words (memories within memories) swirling around in his head.
“Useless” “He’ll never be a hero” “I’m so sorry, Izuku” “I won’t have some useless kid!” “Pathetic” “Quirkless” “TAKE A SWAN DIVE OFF THE ROOF” “I’m sorry, Izuku, Mommy’s just tired” “Midoriya, if you report this you could ruin their futures” “DEKU” “You’re just some quirkless kid” “Maybe he’ll do us all a favor and” “Burden” “Not without a quirk” “Pray for a quirk in your next life”
Deku is climbing the guardrail and Bakugo is screaming but he’s not really there and he can’t do anything. He feels the cold metal pressing into his back as Deku balances on the small ledge, that terrible blank feeling still suffocating him. One socked foot raised itself to hover over empty air and the cold leaves his back as Izuku leans forward, just one hand on the railing behind him as he leans forward – And then there’s a loud explosion and Deku is startled, yelping and grabbing the railing behind him tightly before scrambling back over it to safety, suddenly feeling sick and -
Bakugo came back to himself violently, throwing himself out of his chair and panting wildly, sweat dripping down his face. The whole class was staring at him now, silence blanketing the common room.
Kirishima hesitantly approached him, laying a hand on Bakugo’s shoulder. “Ah, Bakugo, are you okay? That was a long one.” He said, but Bakugo wasn’t listening, wrenching himself out of his friend’s grip, he stomped over to where the shitty nerd was looking at him with wide concerned eyes.
“Kacchan – wha?” Bakugo just grabbed Deku’s arm, pulling him out of his seat.
“What. The FUCK. Did I just see?” He bit out. He wanted to shake the damn nerd, who had the nerve to just look confused.
“Um, I’m not sure, Kacchan, I don’t –“
“Bakugo, please release Midoriya.”
“Shut it, Icy-Hot!” Bakugo screamed, suddenly aware of the rest of the class staring at them. “This isn’t your business!” He snarled, dragging a stuttering and apologetic Izuku into the elevator and not saying a damn word until they reached his dorm. Bakugo slammed the door and whirled to face him.
“I’ma say it again. What. The Fuck. Was that.” Bakugo ground out again, one hand still clutching Midoriya’s upper arm in a tight grip. Izuku smiled nervously at him.
“What was what, Kacchan?”
“I saw it, okay? The day of the sludge villain.” Midoriya had the gall to relax at that, reaching up with his other arm to scratch at the back of his neck.
“Oh! Oh yeah, that must’ve been really strange to see yourself get attacked. Sorry-“
“Not that, dumbass! The roof!”
Time stuttered to a stop as Midoriya paled, tensing up under Bakugo’s hand and eyes going wide as they locked onto Bakugo’s furious expression. “I’m – I’m not sure what you mean, Kacchan.”
“Don’t play dumb with me, Deku! You were seriously about to – “ Katsuki cut himself off, looking suddenly ill and dropping his hand from Izuku’s arm like it burned. He felt sick, taking two unsteady steps back and unable to look at Deku’s frantic face. Izuku’s hands were up in a placating gesture “Kaachan – listen! It isn’t – it wasn’t that bad!”
“Don’t lie to me!” Bakugo reached up to tug his fingers through his hair, pulling aggressively. “I fucking felt it, okay? I – You – You had one foot over air and everything was numb and I heard my own voice - I knew I was an asshole, but FUCK!” He felt like he wanted to claw out of his own skin. His arms came up to wrap around himself, fingers digging into his upper arms, “Is this why you’re always throwing yourself into danger and breaking your friggen bones, Deku? Are you still trying to fucking die? I knew you were stupid but I can’t believe you’d do something so idiotic just cause I –“
“Shut up, Kacchan!” Izuku shouted, silencing Bakugo instantly because since when did Deku tell people to shut up? The nerd stood stock still, hands fisted around the bottom of his shirt, staring down, before snapping determined green eyes up to lock onto Bakugo’s.
“You don’t get to do this,” Izuku continued, fury lacing his words. “You don’t get to sift through my life and think that means you get it.”
“You think I wanted to?” Katsuki growled, “This shit is making me crazy! You think I wanted to sift through your shitty childhood – that I made shitty?? Damnit, Deku – Izuku – FUCK, I’m going insane. I’m literally gonna go crazy. Tell me it wasn’t true, that the fucking quirk lied or something.” Bakugo felt desperate. His hands had gone up to grip Deku’s shoulders again like he could keep him grounded.
Deku just looked at him silently, jaw locked tight. Katsuki’s skin itched and he let out a pained sound, releasing Izuku and falling heavily onto his bed, clutching his head in his hands.
“Why?” he groaned out, even though he knew why. He knew why cause he had felt it and it was going to destroy him.
The room was silent for a moment before he felt scarred hands pulling his own away from his face. Midoriya was kneeling in front of him, looking at him with eyes filled with something that wasn’t quite pity – more like an understanding.
“Kacchan, I’m sorry you had to see that,” he started, “I’ve had time since but you…you must feel like you just lived it.” He put a hand up before Bakugo could respond, looking at him pleadingly, “Please, just let me talk.” Katsuki nodded, flipping the hand Deku still had his scarred fingers over so they were palm to palm.
Deku sighed, sitting back on his heels, “It wasn’t your fault.” Bakugo’s grip tightened, and he leaned forward to protest but Izuku’s gaze pinned him down before he could. “It wasn’t all your fault,” he amended. “It was…” he grimaced, “It was everyone. It was everything. I just…I started to feel like everyone would be better off without me. I know it’s stupid now, but I didn’t have a lot going for me, you know,” he let out a slight laugh, turning slightly away from Bakugo, “I was Quirkless.” He shrugged, “No one wants a quirkless kid. And besides, if you think about it,” he turned a deceptively bright smile to Bakugo, “it was your explosion that snapped me out of it. So you saved me in a way!”
“You stupid idiot,” Bakugo said, “Only you would say I saved you after…after that.” He still felt sick – no wonder the League of Villains had wanted him. What would have happened if Deku had jumped? How could he possibly call himself a hero?
“Kacchan, listen, I’m really okay,” Izuku said earnestly, his left hand coming up to rest on Bakugo’s shoulder, “I have a quirk now. I have friends, I even have you – kinda, so you don’t need to worry about it, okay?” He smiled, trying to soothe the memory out of the other boy. Trying to gloss over this like it wasn’t a big deal. Like Katsuki wasn’t currently having a mental breakdown in front of him. But instead, Katsuki feels himself go cold at Deku’s words.
“So, what? What if AllMight hadn’t given you his quirk?” he said quietly. Izuku tensed, rocking backwards so fast it was only Bakugo’s hand around his that kept him from crashing to the floor.
“I uh,” he stammered, eyes shifting over Bakugo’s room without landing on anything, “I – I never thought about it.”
“Bullshit,” now Bakugo was getting into Izuku’s space, trying to get Deku to make eye contact, “Tell me the truth.”
“Kacchan, listen,” Izuku is desperate now, “it doesn’t matter – I have a quirk – “
“But what if you didn’t?” Bakugo pressed, “Damnit, Deku.” His voice cracks around the name, “Tell me that if you didn’t have a quirk you’d still be alive!”
“I can’t!” Oh, Izuku was crying now, trying vainly to tug his hand out of Bakugo’s grip. “I can’t, okay! Just stop it! Let go!”
Something in Bakugo snaps. He lets go off Izuku’s hand. Deku’s breath catches as he starts to fall backward and then Bakugo is diving forward, wrapping his arms around the smaller boy and burying his face in green curls. Izuku is frozen, one hand still raised up from where Katsuki had been clutching it. Bakugo just tightens his grip and Izuku breaks. His hands come up to clutch Bakugo’s shirt at his shoulders, buries his face into the other boy’s shoulder, and sobs. Years of pushing down those feelings, that fear that he could have died, that he probably would have, bubbled up all at once as he clings to Bakugo like a lifeline.
Bakugo just held him tightly and let him cry and wail until the sobs become sniffles and start to cease. Slowly, the two pulled away from each other, embarrassment coloring their faces even as Katsuki refused to let go of Izuku’s hand. They sit in silence for a moment, both focused on their joined hands and away from each other’s faces.
“We – we wouldn’t have been better off,” Bakugo starts, his voice rough and Midoriya eyes dart to him in surprise as he realizes that Bakugo had been crying too.
“Earlier you said you were thinking everyone would be better off,” he continued, mistaking the surprise for confusion. “We, uh. We wouldn’t have been. I wouldn’t have been.” He won’t look at Izuku but he’s got both hands wrapped around Izuku’s scarred one and is fiddling with his fingers.
“Kacchan, you’re amazing. You’d be great even if I wasn’t here.”
“No.” Bakugo finally met his eyes, determination in his gaze. “I don’t know what kind of hero I’d be,” he took a deep breath, like he couldn’t say without you, “but you make me want to be better.”
Izuku smiles, that stupid blinding smile of his that Katsuki hates or maybe doesn’t because his heart stutters a bit. “You make me what to be better too, Kacchan.” He says and Bakugo is biting back his instinct to wave it off with a “tch, whatever” and instead just nods and pulls away, rising to his feet.
“The extras are probably all worried,” he scoffs, “We should go down and convince them I didn’t just beat you up or whatever.”
Izuku laughs from the floor, “Yeah, probably.”
“I’ll help you up,” Bakugo says gruffly, his hand outstretched in front of Izuku. “Damn idiot like you would probably break something getting up on your own.”
Izuku feels something warm fill his chest in a way it hasn’t in a long time and reaches up to grasp Bakugo’s hand in his.
And if later, when the Wonder Duo takes the world by storm, if both of them are just a little grateful to the kid who once cursed them with a memory quirk, well, no one has to know.