Work Text:
------That Moment------
‘It's not just me you are walking away from,’ said a voice.
‘I am sorry,’ another replied with eerie calm.
‘There's so much more to you than you know, not just pain and anger,’ the former pleaded.
‘I’m sorry, my friend,’ the later repeated.
‘Don’t do this.’
BANG!
------Six Months prior------
Erik smoothed Charles’ hair and placed a chaste kiss to his forehead.
‘Well that was fun,’ Charles let out smugly.
‘It’s beyond me where you store all that energy,’ Erik said.
‘The largest things come in small packages. Imagine it to be bigger on the inside,’ Charles purred as he sprawled himself over Erik.
‘It’s even more amazing how you’ve kept your energy up all these years.’
‘All these years?’ Charles huffed. ‘I’m not that old.’
‘Well you certainly dress the part, look the part and have the job,’ Erik said as he rubbed Charles’ back.
Charles lifted his head off Erik’s chest to look the man in the eye. ‘Says you Mr errr…only 7 months younger.’
Erik laughed and Charles stuck his tongue out.
‘But congratulations, Charles, or should I say Professor Xavier, now?’
Charles stared at the far wall. He then felt himself respond in his nether regions and turned his head back to Erik. ‘Now, I really sound old. Eck. You’re canoodling with an old fogey.’
‘Long as that fogey is you. Round 2, cougar?’
‘You’re on, jailbait.’
------Earlier that night------
[automated telephone recording log]
‘You’re there aren’t you? At his office.’
‘…’
‘He-he made a choice. Charles-I’m sorry-he-he…please-please-Once you start blaming yourself when it wasn’t your fault-you can’t do that. Don’t start. There isn’t’ any coming out of that. Don’t go there. We all failed in some way. But it doesn’t have to stay that way. He wouldn’t want this. You know that-’
‘…’
‘Are you still there? It’s not your fault. It’s not. How to save-fucking hell-it’s not your fault.’
‘…’
‘Please speak to me. Please. You have to know that, sod it all! Charles-I’m sorry, I’m sorry, but-he-he-wasn’t in his right mind. Especially when things we’re getting better, none of us would have known that. You least of all. You hadn’t seen him for a week before-’
[incoherent noises]
‘What did you say?’
‘His last words to me. Before-before-the end.’
‘You can’t dwell on those. You have to look past it. Yes, the great love is gone, but-there are others-you’re not alone. You are not alone. We’re here for you. Please. Please. Please, help-[deep inhale]-don’t you blame yourself. Don’t ever dare blame yourself. God! Please hear me. Please. You have to stop this. Going down this path will not bring you peace.’
‘Peace was never an option.’
[click]
‘Hello? Hello?! FUCK.’
[slam]
-----Two months prior------
Raven stepped into their tiny flat, avoiding the various raamen and Mars bars wrappers.
‘I thought this would stop once he got his fucking letters,’ she mumbled to the walls.
Raven sighed and took a Mars bar out of her bag, striped it, deposited the wrapper on the floor and ate the rest. She put the remaining items away and rounded the corner into the sitting room.
The cheap 70s flower wallpaper, once a strong orange and olive green, had faded to the colours of puke and manila.
She flipped on the lights and felt a tap on her shoulder.
‘UWA! CHARLES, YOU BASTARD! Don’t do that,’ she exclaimed clutching her chest. ‘You’re so creepy sometimes. Sneaking up like that.’
Charles gave her a big grin.
Raven glanced at the settee and saw a blanket and damp pillow, a knocked
over glass where water must have emptied its contents, and a pile of papers that must have belonged to his undergraduates.
‘Napping when you should be working, again?’
Charles looked at her and yawned.
‘I’ll take that as a yes,’ she said.
Charles continued and stretched asking ‘What time is it?’ when he decided to stop yawning.
‘9:47, you still have time before Moira gets on your case. And to answer your question, I saw her on my way out. And no, I didn’t leave lecture early. It let out early. Something about giving students time to revise for exams or something,’ she said while shuffling around for the remote.
Charles gave her a look that said ‘Sure, I believe you. That and I’m a kangaroo masquerading as a human.’
‘I’d best get going, then. Lots to do,’ he said while frowning. ‘Raven-’
‘mmm?’ She inquired while riffling through magazines.
Charles furrowed his brow and sneezed.
‘Charles! Did you get vaccinated?’
‘Err, yes?’
‘You get your bum into the health centre today. If you give me the flu I’ll use your secret Jane Austen collection as tissue,’ Raven said handing him his bag, coat and a baguette.
Charles looked at her in shock such thing was unthinkable. ‘Wicked, wicked Raven!’ he squawked.
Five minutes later Charles was out the door and Raven sat at the television just in time for her reruns. Erik walked in 40 minutes later, yawning, setting his bag on the kitchen table. He hung his keys and on the hook near the door. He stepped into the sitting room, caught the Mars bat flying towards his face, threw the wrapper in the bin and sat himself next to Raven who stared intently at the screen.
‘Elizabeth was out last episode, Mary had best photo, Josianne was at the bottom. Pot: hundred quid,’ Raven said without looking up.
‘Best photo: Alexandra, bottom two: Mary and Josianne, but Josianne stays,’ Erik responded plopping himself down next to her.
‘You’re on, shark boy.’
‘Oh, and don’t tell Charles.’
‘Like how I didn’t tell you about his secret Jane Austen collection, which features hearts around Mr Knightley and Edward at every mention,’ Raven said.
‘Raven,’ Erik warned.
‘What? Shark boy can’t live down that he wants to know who’ll pose victorious at the top of the model pile?’
‘Hardly.’ Erik responded all too quickly.
------One month prior------
Charles sat across the table from Erik look at him with astute politeness. Erik, just as polite.
‘You missed our last date.’
‘Married people don’t date, Charles,’ he said taking a sip of tea, cream, one sugar.
‘Fine outing, whatever you call it when I ask my husband to go somewhere for fun,’ Charles replied drinking coffee, black, no sugar.
Dark bruises underlined both their eyes and Charles had a conference to attend at the weekend and to many term papers to mark before then.
Erik looked at the window on his right right. Charles stared at the wall on his left left.
‘Well then,’ Charles said placing his mug on table. ‘I have to go and do work.’
‘DAMNIT, CHARLES, IF YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY, THEN SAY IT,’ Erik demanded throwing his at the wall to the left.
Charles pursed his lips and glared politely.
‘I don’t even know why I came. I’m going home. When will you be getting in?’ Erik inquired.
‘I arrive back on London at sundown next Sunday. Don’t wait up for me tonight. I’m pulling an all-nighter to get work done,’ Charles explained.
‘Do you want-’
‘I’ll hire a cab,’ Charles interupted.
‘Charles-’
‘Know that I love you, but just leave me alone, Erik.’
‘Charles, we want the same thing.’
‘Erik, I'm sorry, but we do not. ’
With that Erik went, and Charles stayed.
------That conversation at the end------
‘Raven?’
‘Yes, hun. It’s me.’
‘This was the last place-’
‘I know. It was the last place any of us saw him. He worked a lot.’
‘He was fading, and I didn’t do anything. I left. I yelled at him and left. I wondered why I even came. Why the fuck was I even there. That he was just being, him. I blamed him cause I was to angry, to afraid to really do anything!’
‘Erik, it may not be ok. But that doesn’t matter. What matters is that you can make it right. This isn’t the way. You know that. It not’s your fault.’
‘IT IS-’
‘No. Never. You are part of it, but it is not your fault. We’re all part of it. And so was he. You have to accept that and realise that you are not to blame. Forgive yourself, Erik. Charles loved you, and he never would have blamed you. I love you, and know you it’s not your fault. All your friends and family love you. So please-please¬-dear god-stop this.’
‘Raven-go home.’
‘I won’t. I can’t. I can’t go home without you.’
‘Don’t come any closer.’
‘Well them I’m sat here till you come with me.’
‘I don’t want this to be a murder-suicide.’
‘Give me the gun, Erik.’
‘No.’
‘It's not just me you are walking away from.’
‘I am sorry.’
‘There's so much more to you than you know, not just pain and anger.’
‘I’m sorry, my friend.’
‘Erik, don’t do this.’
BANG!
------Three Days After------
Raven covered her face and wept. She began that morning alone and ended the night alone with emptiness in between.
She brought her hands down and placed her right on Charles’ name and her left on Erik’s.
The dead grass was damp, it had drizzled all day, icy-rain filling the air.
‘Charles. I-I should have known. I’m sorry, so sorry. I couldn’t stop him. Erik took it pretty hard, you know. Couldn’t accept it. You-you couldn’t be-not here. Couldn’t surrender his guilt.’
Raven shivered and shifted, her knees protesting as she squatted.
‘It’s like some kind of bizarre, macabre poetic justice. In some places there was too much love, in others not enough. We didn’t notice you crying out for help. He couldn’t save you. I didn’t save him.’
Wiping her nose and frowning, Raven whispered, ‘And I don’t think I’m capable of saving myself.’
The rain, punctuated by thunder, strengthened and continued for some time.