Chapter Text
There was a seemingly endless list of memories that kept Jisung from sleeping at night. Mulling them over again and again as he tossed and turned, throwing one leg out from under his blanket before he pulled it back in again, flipping his pillow over to the cold side more times than he wanted to count. Sometimes he wondered how he could have handled something differently, contemplated why he had used a particular word or maybe why he even spoke at all. But, sometimes it wasn’t a memory that plagued his thoughts; rather a lack thereof. Yes, he was wide awake tonight. The thought of going home for the summer made his heart speed up just a bit too fast.
“ What was that thing you always used to say in primary school that never failed to make me laugh?”
“Do you remember that Chinese place we stopped by on that road trip we took four years ago? God that place was unforgettable.”
“C’mon Sung, you seriously don’t remember any of this?”
“Don’t bother asking him. He won’t remember.”
Jisung swallowed the deepest breath he had taken all day before flipping his pillow over for the fourth time that night. God, there isn’t even a cold side left to be found.
His mind wandered to the crickets chirping outside his window. They were much quieter than they had been when he’d finally decided to lay down tonight. Maybe the birds would be out soon. Should he even bother trying to sleep at this point?
Perching himself up on his elbow, he reached across and palmed around his nightstand before finally landing on his phone. More regret flooded his body when the bright screen filled the darkness in the room. He threw a cautious glance at the twin bed across the room from his own, momentarily forgetting his roommate sleeps like the dead. Jisung noted Hyunjin’s back was to him, a steady rise and fall indicated he was dead to the world, deep in sleep. Jisung’s eyes found his roommate’s naked, sculpted shoulder, trailing down to his thin and incredibly defined triceps and- suddenly he wished his phone had actually succeeded in blinding him. He forced his eyes back into the blue light, and unsurprisingly he had a single message waiting for him.
04:15 04/04/21
Nayeon 56 minutes ago
Jisung should really put his fucking phone away and go to sleep, he knows it. His thumb moved to slide open the message on instinct.
Are you sleeping? Come over, I’m lonely :(
Jisung locked his phone before throwing it back down on the bedside table. He let out a deep sigh, dragging both hands down his face before catapulting himself off of his horribly creaky, dorm room worthy mattress. Some of his sheets came with him, practically begging him to stay in bed: Just get a little sleep, an hour at least. Please. He shook them off from his foot and left them trailing onto the floor in the middle of the room.
Truthfully he wasn’t even sure why his feet were moving him towards his closet at the foot of his bed. There wasn’t a single cell in his body that even wanted to throw his half-clean pair of grey sweats, black beanie and trainers on. At least he had never changed out of yesterday’s fitted black v-neck. He is exhausted, mentally and physically, but he forces his limbs to move anyway. He refuses to lay in that bed any longer tonight. He’d had enough of his brain, it was time to turn it off until the sun came up. In the dim light of the night’s last bit of moonlight he caught a glimpse of his reflection; he looked as exhausted as he felt despite all of his efforts to hide the mental burnout. That didn’t manage to stop him.
He walked back to his nightstand and snatched his phone, keys, and wallet before fumbling around in his top drawer for a lollipop, and finally making for the door. Hyunjin had never been subtle when leaving their tiny shared space for his early morning studio sessions; and in return Jisung didn’t offer him any courtesy as he let the door slam behind him.
The walk to Nayeon’s place was long. Somehow, Jisung is always the one making the trip. Sure, it is the middle of the night and Jisung lives in a double on campus. He still can’t help but question his life choices in the eerie, all encompassing silence he finds as he steps outside of his building. What Jisung knows as a bustling courtyard packed with the drone of indistinguishable conversation and constant shuffling of footsteps now greets him as a ghost town. Although, this is far from the first time he has had to converse with the ghosts in his mind on a late night (or early morning) walk. His legs move autonomously as his thoughts wander elsewhere, his favorite song playing in the shadows of his mind.
“How the fuck did I get here?” Jisung whispers to himself.
That question wasn’t for the ghosts. It was genuine. He knows there are plenty of logical decisions he’s made to physically get him to this point, sure. His parents have always expected the most from him, and why wouldn’t they? He was intelligent, pretty, and most of all, talented as hell. He knew it, too. Maybe he expected too much from himself at the same time. But now he found himself walking to his girl’s house in the early hours of a Tuesday morning knowing damn well he had a class at 7 AM. Fuck it, this is what college is about. He did his best to focus on his feet as he walked the 35 minutes to Nayeon’s house on the outskirts of their university campus.
When he finally dragged himself to the door, it was practically 5 in the morning. Why the fuck isn’t he turning around and heading straight back to his own lonely bed? The thought reaches him too late when he opens the door to the quaint two story home that he knows is always unlocked. It’s dangerous and naive of her, he knows. He’s tried to tell her before. But she’s practically six years older than he is and she doesn’t want to listen to anything he has to say. He’s aware. He lives with it, her lips are nice when they’re against his, he thinks.
The apartment is completely dark when he enters, but he knows his way around well enough. He locks the deadbolt behind him. His legs feel as though they’re moving through water as he walks the few steps through the living room to Nayeon’s bedroom.
He and Nayeon had a strange relationship, if Jisung was going to be real with himself. They’d met at a bar a few weeks into Jisung’s first semester at uni and got to talking. They clicked instantly; until it eventually fizzled out... At least for Jisung. He’d always expected his first kiss would magically fill whatever emptiness had plagued him for as long as he’s known. Fireworks, or some shit. At least that’s what all those sappy romantic comedies and emotional anime films he used to consume religiously had taught him. But ever since the first time Nayeon brought him home, turned on a film he wasn’t interested in, inched herself closer to him and pressed her hips against his own, he can’t say he has felt anything besides disappointment. So maybe he’s not surprised when he walks into the room to find a man he recognizes as her housemate leaning over her desk to press a kiss to her lips while she sits, her favorite pen still in her hand and the record player in the corner crooning softly to the tune of her jazz study music. And maybe he’s not surprised that he doesn’t feel a thing.
The pair, on the other hand, were quite shocked at the intrusion. Nayeon’s eyes are blown wide before she begins sputtering; while the man whose name Jisung doesn’t even know leans back against the desk to look him straight in the eyes, expressionless. He’s tall, much taller than Jisung. And he holds his head high with a chiseled, handsomely masculine face that Jisung’s rounded cheeks and big doe eyes can’t compete with; he thinks. Jisung returns the stare. He’s at a loss for words right now, that’s all he knows.
“Jisung….” Nayeon found her words, it seems. “You never read my message, I- I thought you were asleep. Why didn’t you text me back and tell me you were coming?”
Her voice is even now, but the air around the trio is tense. For some reason, Jisung is getting the feeling that maybe he is the one who’s the alien here rather than the nameless housemate.
“What?” he breathes, the only word he can find falling from his mouth, quiet and small. He has a bad habit of trying to make himself smaller when he’s uncomfortable. Right now, he really just wants to evaporate.
“Jisung, I- I told you I was lonely and-”
“I think I should go,” Jisung whispers as he forces his feet to escape back out through the bedroom doorway.
“Wait, we should talk!” Nayeon calls out, she’s standing up from her chair but he’s not listening anymore. His ears are ringing as he quickly makes his way to the front door, a minor set back when he forgets he locked the deadbolt on his way in. He tosses the door behind him, doesn’t hear it close. He notes the first bit of sun rays are just beginning to turn the sky from black to a deep purple. The air is heavy, maybe it will rain later. Jisung feels as though there’s a storm brewing in his own mind, too. The ringing in his ears fades a bit when a soft hand pulls him by his forearm before he can get to the end of the driveway.
“Jisung, when was the last time you slept? Let me drive you.” Nayeon was always so controlling. Jisung doesn’t have any energy in him to fight. He spares one last glance at the sidewalk ahead of him before he allows her to pull him by his arm to the passenger’s side of her bright red Jeep Wrangler. He wonders wordlessly if this is the last time he’ll ever ride in it.
The drive back to his dorm is considerably shorter than the walk. Nayeon’s phone automatically connects to the bluetooth speakers, she lowers the volume as some shitty slowed down love song picks up where it had left off and begins waxing poetic. Jisung feels sick.
As the hours pass
I will let you know
That I need to ask
Before I'm alone
They’re almost to the end of the road outside the dimly lit back entrance to Jisung’s building when Nayeon finally breaks the silence between them. The tension doesn’t leave, though. If anything it gets worse.
“I know we were never really ‘official,’ but I think this is probably a good sign that it’s time for us to end this.. Whatever this is,” she says, gesturing between them with her right hand. Jisung doesn’t look her in the eyes. He really can’t bring himself to. Instead, he just nods. His mind feels numb. He tries to keep his breathing steady, it’s easier said than done. Why doesn’t he feel anything besides a rising pit in his stomach?
“Can I ask you something before you go?” She spares a glance in his direction before returning her eyes to the desolate road ahead, illuminated by the glow of her headlights and nothing more. Of course for his first year he never expected to be placed in the more lavish buildings; but they could at least add some streetlights. Jisung doesn’t answer. He keeps his eyes trained on the edge of the road outside his window, he thinks his eyes might close on him at any second. She pulls the car up to the curb outside his building and shifts into park. She keeps her distance, avoids touching him like she normally would. The distance is throwing him off, he’s not used to this. It’s keeping him cold, inside and out. Softly though, Nayeon speaks anyway.
“How come we never slept together, Jisung?”
Jisung’s eyes are open now. His ears flushed a bright shade of red before he can pull his beanie down just a little bit further. After a moment, he lets his eyes find Nayeon’s. She’s looking at him with that contemplative gaze of hers. The one that always made Jisung feel small, like she was looking straight into him. He's hated it before, but now it repulses him. Though her gaze was intimidating, her tone was soft. The way she spoke to him just now—it threw everything he’d known and expected of her out the window. This was new. Nothing was right about tonight . Jisung’s heart began racing; actually he really might be sick. He tears his eyes away from Nayeon’s before she can discern anymore from his face. He’s never been able to hide things very well. And in this moment, he believes it’s his one and only curse.
Jisung can keep his mouth shut for as long as he wants but his eyes always manage to betray him. He’s going to start crying if he goes down this mental rollercoaster again. Only this time he’s not alone. He squeezes his eyes closed, keeping the tears at bay, and takes a deep breath; exhaling heavily through his mouth before opening them again and locking his gaze on the door to his building that seems to be taunting him. He pulls his forgotten lollipop out from the pocket of his sweatpants and unwraps it, popping it into his mouth and pocketing the wrapper.
“Goodbye, Nayeon” he says, using the candy in his mouth to warp the sound of his shaking voice. He undoes his seatbelt and opens the door to step out; he can’t even bring himself to spare her another glance. He thinks maybe he’s more embarrassed than heartbroken right now, and that only pours more oil onto the fire burning in his cheeks and ears. She pulls her car away from the curb as soon as he closes the passenger door behind him. And just like that, Jisung was alone; the void deep in his chest feeling suddenly all the more obvious. He contemplated going inside and finally just going the fuck to sleep; but for the first time today, he decided on something he actually wanted to do instead.
He let his feet guide him before his mind, losing himself in the easy breeze of sunrise and the morning dew coating the grass. A synthetic cherry flavor coating his tongue, his eyes bounced from the mural of colors in the growing sunrise to the way his feet stuttered and dragged along the pavement. His legs wandered on their own accord into the wooded pathway across the road from the back of his building. The desolate walkway was welcoming somehow. He tried to breathe, tried not to think at all. Just inhale, exhale, swallow, repeat. If only it were that easy. His mind wasn’t cooperative, it wandered off on its own.
He contemplates the last time he ever truly felt something for someone else. Where was that connection he refused to admit he so desperately craved? He knows, he remembers. But he tries not to. His mind running in circles around please, leave me be and let me go to how could I ever forget you? He remembers something more than just a connection. Something deeper than that. Someone who was already a part of him even before either of them knew it. A friend, a soulmate. Someone he wanted to know deeply, truly, and intimately. Inside and out, in every way. Someone he could hold on to with a fierce devotion for as long as he lived.
But he had done a fine job of sabotaging his own wildly unrealistic fantasy when he isolated himself from even his most trusted friends after graduating high school. It was the result of a mixture of shame and exhaustion, he thinks. Too many mistakes they had witnessed, too many memories he had done his very best at blocking out. They were the final strings he had cut when he finally left his hometown behind, along with everyone in it. Everyone. It would stay that way, he didn’t have any other choice. Maybe in another life, he’ll see that face again. Not from afar or at arms reach but close, closer, so close. He wonders how different things could be for him in that mysterious other life where he’s not afraid any more.
Maybe he deserved to remember that spark, he ponders. Like the way Jisung’s heart would speed up in hopeless adoration rather than out of fear. The way one single human being could make Jisung’s whole world crumble around the edges, falling away bit by bit until there was nothing but him. The way Jisung would consume every angle of his body, every inch of skin his eyes could find and he still couldn’t get enough. It was like he was starved, and no other source of nourishment was good enough. Young and hungry and absolutely infatuated.
He thinks maybe that’s when the stars left his eyes. When he realized that the two of them were out of time: that that goodbye was the end, not just an intermission. When he realized his hands, his lips, his tongue, his heart would never know what he felt like.
Suddenly he realizes all the tears he had choked on in Nayeon’s car had finally freed themselves. He’s not sure how long he’d been chewing on the soggy remnants of his lollipop stick, either. He crumples it into the pocket of his sweatpants before he breaks into an all out sprint, continuing deeper down his feet’s chosen path. He hasn’t seen a single soul out here since he was left on the curb before the sun rose, all of his shame is nowhere to be found now. He deserves this, he thinks. He tries to blink the tears away, the wind rushing across his face and drowning out the sounds of the waking birds as his feet continue to pick up speed. He runs, following the winding pathway under the weeping willows until he just can’t fucking see anymore because the tears haven’t stopped.
He slows his pace while swiping his hands across his cheeks and rubbing at his eyes with a little too much intensity. He realizes he’s found a small pond along his journey, and truthfully he doesn’t have any idea where he is right now. He’s still choking on a sob here and there as he approaches the pond and collapses along the water's edge. He removes his phone from his other pocket even though he’s afraid to look at the time. He can’t remember the last time he slept. It’s going on well over 24 hours now, that’s for sure. He opens it anyway, though. He has class eventually. He takes note of the time, and finds another message waiting for him.
05:55 04/04/21
Hyunjin 31 minutes ago
Jisung readied himself to ignore it before he opened it.
Hey, hope everything’s okay. Let’s meet for coffee later if you have time, yeah?
It can’t always be like this. Jisung is tired, he’s so tired. He’s been tired for a long time; going through the motions and nothing more. But he thinks that in this moment maybe he’s sick of settling. Sick of refusing to feel and remember and live. He rubs at his eyes once more to rid himself of the remnants of his emotions before typing out a response.
05:55 04/04/21
Me:
Yeah, I could use some coffee. Just say when & where.
He slowly lifts himself up from the ground, using his free hand to swipe at the foliage still stuck to his sweats as he returns to the path. He follows it, luckily a straight shot down to his own street. Along the way a few stray tears make their way down his face, swollen and puffy and maybe a little broken. He wonders if the universe is moving against him; he thinks about asking for a sign, but there’s no one around. He believes he’s alone. Jisung doesn’t take notice of the growing number of birds fluttering around in the tree branches above as the sun finally begins to fill the sky with soft orange hues, or the dragonfly that takes an interest in his feet for a brief moment before it escapes back into the bushes. He decides not to try to go back to sleep before his class. Maybe he has a thing for mentally torturing himself. God, he’s just so tired.