Chapter Text
The grey stone walls of the room appeared soft in the flickering firelight. The large, oversized chairs comfortably enveloped the two people facing each other over the ornately carved pieces on the handmade checkerboard. The only other light in the room was the gas lit lantern on the enormous wooden desk behind them, giving the room a warm, peaceful feeling.
Angel glanced up from the chessboard to catch Erwin grimacing in pain as he rolled the shoulder of his injured arm. Lines of strain ran alongside the deep grooves carved by months of agony on his handsome face. Her brow furrowed in concern, game forgotten.
“Pains in your arm again?
“You mean the one that isn’t there?” he said wryly, trying to hide his discomfort. “Hanje says the more intense pains should go away eventually, but there will always be some kind of feeling that will come and go. She calls them ‘phantom pains’. Apparently very common for missing limbs. It’s fascinating, in a way.”
Knowing Erwin didn’t like anyone fussing over him, Angel turned back to the game and moved her knight. For once, she was actually winning for Erwin was clearly distracted. As he leaned over to analyze the board, his movements lacking his usual grace and authority, Angel studied him. She thought about all that had happened to him since his injury. He still bore some of the marks from his imprisonment in Mitras, and his large frame was thinner than she was used to. Since returning from defeating Rod Reiss at Orvud, he had been hard at work in his office, his iron will astounding to watch as he mastered using his non-dominant left hand. He was pushing himself at a grueling pace and Angel was concerned for his physical and mental well-being. She had been helping him, of course, once again lending a hand with the mountains of paperwork expected of the Commander. But she worried about the man who held so much on his large shoulders. Although he seemed to be recovering well physically, she thought he was missing some of his usual vitality. Angel could only imagine there were limits to what a person could shoulder without eventually bowing under the weight. Especially when they were doing it on their own. Angel often wondered how lonely Erwin’s life was. Of course, he had close friends, such as herself, Levi, and Hanje. But that wasn’t the same as having a special someone to share secrets with, hopes and dreams whispered in each other’s arms in the small hours of the night. A warm body to lend support with a gentle touch, or to simply celebrate the continued beating of one’s heart with shared passion. She didn’t see him as a solitary creature like Levi. But rather, if he had traveled down a different path, one in which he could have a wife and family, she pictured Erwin as warm and giving to a partner. A man who sought, and readily gave, affection. Instead, the singular life that Erwin led had to take a toll on him emotionally, especially when recovering from such a traumatic wound. Sometimes even the strongest needed someone to care for them, some physical contact, a soft touch or a hug, as silly as it sounded, but something to let them know that someone cared, that they mattered and would be missed if they were gone. Something to help blur the edges of the hard life they lived day after day.
Perhaps that was what was weighing on him now. He looked haggard and the clear blue of his eyes were clouded with regrets in his unguarded moments. He had once told Angel, years ago when they had had a few drinks, about the one woman in his life that he had given up to pursue his career, back when he was younger. He thought then that it wasn’t fair to tie her to a man who was unlikely to live to see thirty. Many in the Survey Corps felt the same way, and were rarely involved with people outside the Corps, even the other military branches. The life they led was too unstable and the high percentage mortality rate discouraged long term relationships. He said she was currently married with children to a high ranking member of the Military Police.
Angel realized that Erwin still hadn’t moved a piece on the board. The glow from the fire highlighted the regal planes of his face as he contemplatively rubbed his left hand along the scruff of beard on his jaw. She got up to refresh his tea and was pouring the aromatic brew into his cup from the pot sitting on the side table when she heard him hiss air in between his teeth and stifle a low groan. She looked back to see his face contorted in pain as he gripped his right shoulder, just above the severed stump. She rushed over to the basin and dropped a fresh cloth in the cool water and wrung it out, then hurried over to stand in front of Erwin. His head was tilted back with his eyes closed and his strong jaw clenched. Sweat had popped out on his brow and his handsome face had an unhealthy pallor to it. Brushing the hair off his forehead, Angel gently passed the cool cloth across his face, down the strong column of his throat and around to the back of his neck inside the collar of his shirt. She had seen these episodes before and asked Hanje what she could do to help him. Hanje told her to try to get him to relax through the pain as tension was only going to make it worse, like a muscle cramp.
His breathing was labored through gritted teeth and Angel could feel the tension in the bunched muscles of his shoulders. Leaving the cool cloth on the back of his neck, she moved behind him and gripped his right shoulder in her strong hands. As she began to massage the tight muscles, she talked to distract him, pitching her voice low and soothing.
“I’ve been reading about the names of these muscles. Hanje loaned me a book that had some great pictures of anatomy and musculature. It was fascinating. The ones on the outside of the shoulder are called deltoids.” As she said this she attacked the mentioned muscle, squeezing his unyielding flesh through the fine linen of his shirt. Then she moved up to the top of his shoulder toward his neck. The muscles were hard and tense, his body strung tight with pain. “This is called the trapezius muscle.” With this she dug her thumbs into the rigid muscle as she chattered on.
Erwin was slowly relaxing under her hands, his body easing and she finally heard his breathing start to even back out as the worst of the phantom pain passed. He leaned forward, out from under her hands, propping his elbow on his knee and resting his forehead in his hand. He took a deep breath to steady himself.
“I apologize, Angel,” he said, his voice a little hoarse. “Perhaps we can finish this game another time. I don’t believe I am at my best at the moment.”
Angel looked at the strong man in front of her and her heart broke for what he was going through. She had been there when the lists of the casualties since his imprisonment, the battle at Reiss Chapel, and defeating Reiss’ titan arrived, and she had helped him with the letters to the families. She also knew he was gearing up for an expedition to seal up Wall Maria since the success at Trost. But he looked so tired and defeated, in spite of the recent victories.
Her eyes stung with suppressed emotion as she walked around in front of Erwin and before she could even think about what she was doing, she sat across his lap and gripped his broad shoulders in a firm embrace. He stiffened immediately in surprise and she could feel his shock in the unyielding line of his shoulders. Then his arm came around her and he gripped her tightly as he buried his face in her neck, his whole body shuddering into the embrace.
She sat and held him securely, running her hand over the softness of his blond hair, noticing the woodsy scent of his soap, earthier than the crisp minty scent Levi preferred. His large hand was splayed across her back and was crushing her to him so tightly she knew her ribs were going to be bruised tomorrow. She held him quietly, stroking his hair, his shoulders, in the quiet room, patiently waiting for him to collect himself, letting him take what he needed from her. After a while she felt him inhale a shaky breath and reluctantly pull back out of her embrace.
He slowly brought his gaze up to hers. When she met his cerulean blue eyes, she smiled, “You looked like you needed a hug.”
He returned her smile with a small one of his own, eyes searching her face, for what, she didn’t know. “Thank you. I didn’t realize how much I did indeed need that.” His voice was pitched low, as if he didn’t want the walls to bear witness to his weakness.
They sat that way, looking at each other, until things grew slightly awkward, this newfound intimacy coming close to crossing a line as tension surged up between them like an overinflated balloon, one where you continued to pump air into it as its walls grew thinner and thinner until you held your breath waiting for the inevitable pop. Erwin’s hand had shifted, sliding low on the small of her back, fingertips grazing the swell of her ass, ostensibly keeping her balanced on his lap. Her skin flushed with heat as she suddenly became aware of Erwin as more than just a good friend and her commander, but a flesh and blood man. And she was sitting on his lap. Moving gracelessly in her haste, she shifted her position in preparation for getting up, when he hissed air in between his teeth again. Afraid that she had done something to hurt him, Angel looked quickly at Erwin’s face searching for evidence of pain or discomfort. At his stifled groan, she realized he was, indeed, in discomfort, but it had nothing to do with his shoulder. Her face flamed red as she immediately felt the source of his distress underneath her, the distinct bulge between his hard thighs unmistakable. He closed his eyes, but not before she glimpsed the dark fire burning in the blue depths. However, a second later he opened them, his mask firmly in place and a wry twist to his lips, “It’s clearly been a long time since I’ve had a beautiful woman sitting on my lap. My apologies.”
With that, the tension broke as he used his hand at her back to gently push her to standing. She hastily turned away and moved to put up the tea things as she saw him shift uncomfortably in his chair, out of the corner of her eye.
After a few moments of silence, where they both composed themselves from the unexpected intimacy, she heard Erwin speak, “I don’t suppose you’ll give up this game. I’m in an abysmal position.”
Afraid she was misinterpreting his intentions, she slowly turned around to look at him, and, with relief, saw his broad frame leaning over the chess board, examining the pieces. Exhaling, she walked over to the board, “Hell no! I might actually have a chance to win this one. You better keep that board just like it is for when we have a chance to finish this game.”
He looked up at her with the usual warmth and humor back in his gaze, as if nothing untoward had (almost) happened. “If you insist.” His voice was also back to normal, his clear baritone carrying across the fire lit room.
“Goodnight, Erwin.”
“Goodnight, Angel. And thank you.”
With a nod, she headed out the door, only pausing for a moment once she closed it behind her to take a deep breath before heading down the hall to the rooms she shared with Levi.
Upon entering their rooms, she spied Levi sitting in his chair by the fire, reading, with a cup of tea balanced on the arm of the chair. She took a moment to admire the way the firelight highlighted the sharp angles of his face and the strong line of his jaw before he looked up from his book. “How was your chess match?”
“We didn’t get to finish. Erwin had one of those pain attacks in his missing arm.” She moved farther into the room, her brows knitted with concern. “I’m worried about him, Levi. He seems to have lost some of his vitality. It’s got to be hard on him, shouldering all this alone.” As she said this, she draped herself across his lap, similar to how she had done earlier with Erwin, except this time she was seeking comfort instead of providing it. She reveled in the familiar feel of his body as her hands sunk into the inky softness of his hair.
Levi set his book aside and quickly rescued his teacup, setting it on the nearby table before wrapping his arms around her, one hand around her back to stroke her ribs and graze the side of her breast as the other hand slid up the outside of her thigh, holding her tight against him. As he slid his nose along her jaw and inhaled her scent, he suddenly pulled back slightly and looked into her face. “You smell like Erwin.” He raised a brow at her. There was no accusation in his tone, just curiosity.
She ran her hand up through his undercut to the longer hair on top, lightly scraping her nails along his scalp in the manner she knew he liked. He hummed in response, but continued to look at her, waiting.
“I tried some of those methods Hanje suggested to get him to relax through the pain, massaging the muscles of his wounded shoulder and arm. It was really bad, he was sweating and had gone so pale. When it finally receded, he was so wrecked, he looked like he really needed a hug.”
Levi could just imagine the scenario. He pinched the bridge of his nose as he huffed out an agitated breath. “Why are you hellbent on torturing that man?” Angel opened her mouth to protest, but Levi relentlessly kept on, in his normal blunt way, voice dripping with sarcasm. “I’m sure he really needs you to suck his dick too. You going to accommodate him with that as well?”
Angel reared back in anger and glared at Levi, trying to pull out of his arms, but he held her firm. She was angry that Levi kept insisting Erwin had feelings for her. She was angry that he was making her feel guilty for her concern for Erwin. She was angry because his words brought back the feeling of Erwin’s hard body underneath her as she sat on his lap. And she was angry at the images his words elicited.
For a long minute, they stared at each other, steel grey gaze colliding with brown. Until suddenly, Angel saw a spark of interest flare in Levi’s eyes. Then he cocked a brow at her again, this one loaded with meaning.