Work Text:
summer comes quickly
petals laid for someone else
love waits at the end
Johnny and Ten are getting married.
Mark knew that, but something about holding the invitation in his hands made his heart sting. Something sharp and burning searing right through his chest. The beautiful couple on the paper were everything to be envious about, with their perfect outfits and their fucking golden retriever. They were sprawled out in an open field with a shrouded mountain range in the back. Their dog was happily sleeping at their feet while Johnny seemed to be uncorking a bottle of wine with Ten holding the empty glasses. Mark would never taste wine poured by Johnny. He refrained from chucking the invite into the trash. It hurt but Mark knew better, was better. They loved each other and Mark wanted no part in ruining something that was good.
Mark grabbed a magnet and attached the invitation on his fridge. A not so subtle reminder of how Mark lost his chance, for real this time.
As Mark went to go through the rest of his mail, his phone rang.
“Hello?”
“Hi Mark,” a gentle voice came through. It was like Yuta had a one way channel into Mark’s brain, always the first one to reach out when Mark was in distress, even without seeing the emotions run across his face.
“Hey, hyung. Did you get the invite too?”
“Invite?”
“For the wedding?” Mark collapsed onto his couch, staring at the ceiling. Mark had a feeling all of them got invites but what he knew about Johnny was probably wrong now.
“Ah, yes. I got it yesterday.”
“Do you think they’ll let us go?”
“I don’t know. Probably not Mark, you know how things go here.” Yuta sighed into the receiver and Mark could imagine the other running his fingers through his hair, pulling at his scalp in annoyance.
“You know he asked me to be his best man?”
“Johnny-hyung?”
“He called me not long after he proposed, said he wanted me to be there. As if it was something I could just do. As if he forgot who I am.”
“Don’t beat yourself up over it. Johnny had good intentions, you know that.”
“I loved him, hyung.”
“I know, I was there. But we’ve gone over this, it’s no one’s fault.”
It was so frustrating.
It’s been blow after blow since Ten said he was leaving the company. Hansol left and sure, it sucked, but at least he didn’t debut. Ten though… Ten was part of them, the first of them to show themselves to the world after meticulous training. Spent years being with them, being a part of the group. And he left as soon as he could. Then Johnny announced his departure not long after and Mark was inconsolable.
Johnny was his.
Johnny was the only who got it, the only person Mark could look to when he needed help or was homesick. And Mark fell in love. How could he not fall in love with someone who made him feel safe and wanted and important? But Johnny was leaving and he didn’t love Mark the way Mark loved Johnny.
Johnny didn’t love Mark because Johnny loved Ten. And Mark couldn’t say anything to that because he knew. They all knew that was why Johnny left, even if that wasn’t the excuse he gave. So Mark gave his goodbyes through broken sobs, clutching to Johnny for as long as he could before Yuta was pulling him off so the rest of them could say goodbye as well.
Yuta didn’t let him go for the rest of that night, laying together in Yuta’s bed as Mark’s cries softened. Yuta had been the only one who heard his pleas. “He can’t leave me. I love him, he can’t go. I can’t do this without him.” Yuta stayed, rubbing soothing circles on his back and shushing him when he choked for air.
“We’re here for you, Mark. I’m here.” Yuta had whispered before Mark finally fell asleep.
“I know. It still fucking sucks.” Mark finally replied.
“Jungwoo wants to get lunch tomorrow, do you want to come with us?” Mark was glad Yuta knew him so well, ending the conversation before Mark went further spiraling.
“Sure, is he driving?”
“Yeah, we can pick you up on the way.”
“Sweet.”
“See you tomorrow.”
-
Taeyong called a meeting a week after Mark got his invitation. Almost all of NCT was there in a meeting room, even all of their managers. Mark was surprised there was a room big enough for this many people. A few were missing, mostly the newest members and some of those with schedules that couldn’t be moved. Mark took a seat between Yuta and Kun, giving Yuta a questioning look when he looked at Mark. Yuta shrugged. It was quiet and everyone looked just as confused as him. Seemed like no one knew what was happening.
A few minutes of hushed conversation passed before Taeyong entered the room with some staff following him. Mark watched him stroll to the front of the room, like a teacher entering late for a lesson.
“Hello everyone.” Taeyong stood, offering a final glance at the staff members who sat down off to the side. “I sat down with company staff and they agreed to let some of us go to the wedding.”
A rush of exclamations flooded the room. Mark felt his ears ringing, blood rushing to his head.
“Wait, wait.” Taeyong nearly shouted to be heard above the noise. He waited until everyone quieted down and Mark couldn’t breathe. Yuta was rubbing at his shoulder but he couldn’t feel it. His body had gone numb. Mark wasn’t in control of it anymore.
“What do you mean by some of us?” Someone asked and Mark couldn’t focus on who said it, putting all his brain power into understanding what Taeyong was actually saying.
Taeyong inhaled before taking a seat, grabbing at the edge of the table in front of him. “Only four of us can go. They gave us a preferred list.”
“That doesn’t seem fair,” Doyoung said, calmly. The only reason Mark could tell it was Doyoung was because he was sitting in his line of sight.
“It’s not but we’re lucky they’re letting us go at all.” Taeyong sighed.
“So who’s on the list?” Yuta asked and Mark took a sharp inhale. He didn’t want to know, he didn’t want to reckon with what would happen if he wasn’t on the list. Or, even worse, if he was on the list.
Taeyong pulled out his phone. “Yuta, Kun, Mark, and Yangyang.”
Of course he would be on the list. He was stupid to think anything else.
Mark stood up and fled the room, not caring to hear whatever arguments followed. He needed to leave before he started crying. He went straight to the elevator, angrily pushing the button as if it would make it go any faster.
Yuta, of course, was not far behind him.
“Hyung, not now. Please, I don’t want to hear whatever you’re going to say.” Why wasn’t the elevator coming already? The walls were closing in around him. He needed to leave before he suffocated.
“I wasn’t going to say anything. But I’m not leaving you alone right now.” Yuta grabbed Mark’s wrist to stop him from beating the elevator button into a theoretical pulp.
The elevator finally dinged and opened up to let them in. Luckily it was empty. Yuta pulled them both in, switching his hand from Mark’s wrist to interlock their fingers. He pushed the ground floor button and stood with him in silence.
Mark wasn’t sure why he was even upset. Wasn’t this what he wanted? To see two of his best friends get married and be happy and live their real lives? Isn’t that what any normal person would want? To see the people they love do what makes them happy? Except Mark had to watch from the sidelines, never truly getting to share the joy with them. The company wouldn’t let him. That and his heart broke a little more every time Johnny or Ten sent a picture of them together doing things that Mark would never get to do.
Mark would never get to kiss his partner in front of the Eiffel Tower for everyone to see. Would never get to post pictures in bed while kissing their cheek. Would never get to propose in front of the fucking Pacific Ocean, barefoot with their golden retriever carrying the ring around his collar.
But Mark signed up for this. Quite literally. A clause in their contract outlining the specificities of dating and how to uphold company standards.
The elevator arrived at the ground floor and Yuta continued to drag Mark along. Mark blinked and they were in a taxi heading to Mark’s apartment. He blinked again and they were inside and Yuta was laying him in Yuta’s bed. He pulled the covers up around him, tight to his chin as Yuta left the room. Mark wasn’t sure where he was going or what he was doing. Didn’t really care. So he closed his eyes and tried to sleep. He could hear Yuta talking somewhere else in his apartment.
He wasn’t sure when he went to sleep but he woke up to Yuta’s arms wrapped around him, whispering to tell him to wake up.
“Come on, baby. You need to eat,” he continued to whisper.
-
“Donghyuck if you don’t fucking move .” Mark growled under Donghyuck. He had been fucking Mark for what felt like hours now. Slow, sensual rolls of Donghyuck’s hips as he took his time. It wasn’t new. They always ended up in bed together for some reason or another.
“Does baby boy want to come?” Donghyuck teased and it took everything in Mark to not sock him in the face. He wanted this to be done before it even started but he knew that was wishful thinking. Mark was the one who initiated, who asked Donghyuck to come over. He was tired of Yuta being, well, Yuta. Day after day of the older checking in on him, making sure he ate, making sure he was on time for practice. He needed to be fucked into a state of incomprehension but clearly Donghyuck had no plans on giving Mark what he wanted. When did he ever give Mark what he wanted?
“Get the fuck off me.” Mark shoved, using whatever energy he had left to dislodge Donghyuck. “Donghyuck, get off of me. I’m not playing, get off.” His attempts were futile. Every punch and shove at Donghyuck ended with a soft thud. Mark had grown soft long ago, not enough stimulation for it to matter. He felt useless, a bag of bones. And he needed Donghyuck to leave. Immediately. Before he did something stupid like cry or talk about his feelings.
“I’m not stopping until you tell me what’s wrong.” The point was made clear by Donghyuck thrusting, jamming right into Mark’s prostate. In any normal situation Mark might have yelled or moaned or even cum if Donghyuck did it just right. But his energy was thoroughly expended.
“There’s nothing.”
“Is it about the wedding?” Donghyuck continued to jam Mark’s prostate. This was not how he wanted to have this conversation, or any conversation for that matter.
“Yes.” Mark admitted in defeat. Not like he had a choice. Donghyuck resumed his slow rolls, giving Mark a break finally.
“You have to get over it eventually. You have people here who love you and need you. I need you, hyung. But you’re so far away.”
“It’s not that easy. And it’s not just that.”
“Then what is it?”
“Doesn’t it bother you? We’re fucking but we can’t let people know we’re attracted to men. We can hold hands and you can kiss my cheek and it’s all fun and games. But as soon as either of us is serious, we’d be kicked out of the company.”
“Does it bother you that much?”
“I just want to love someone and be loved back. But our contract makes sure that will never happen. Not here, not now.”
“Who says you can’t do that now?” Donghyuck had slowed down even more. Mark huffed and rolled his eyes, not capable of a verbal response. He wanted to be done. Donghyuck continued once he realized he wasn’t going to get an answer.
“I fuck you and no one knows. Doyoung and Taeyong are practically married and no one knows. Jaehyun is fucking Eunwoo but literally no one knows. Well except for me and now you I guess.”
“Are you serious?” Mark filed that away to talk about later, when he was less naked and less in whatever mood he was in.
“You didn’t hear it from me. Regardless, it’s possible. You just don’t want it to be. You’re so hung up on something that happened years ago that you won’t give someone else a chance.” Donghyuck finally picked the pace back up. A steady rhythm, enough for Mark’s dick to stir in interest. Mark gave an irritated sigh, leaning his head back.
“That’s not true!”
“Then why are you leading Yuta-hyung on?”
“We aren’t like that?” Mark snapped his head back to look up at Donghyuck.
“You might want to tell hyung that.” Donghyuck snapped his hips painfully hard now, teeth gritting. He reached down to close his fingers around Mark’s now fully hard cock. Mark groaned in relief, glad to finally be almost done. He wanted to go to sleep and not think about anything the two just talked about. A night of ignorance that would hopefully morph into days and weeks, hopefully allowing Mark to forget completely.
“I’m gonna come,” Mark whispered, out of breath.
“Come on then.”
-
Mark woke up and of course he couldn’t forget about it. Donghyuck made sure of it.
“Are you going to talk to Yuta-hyung?” Donghyuck asked at Mark’s dining table the next morning.
“No.”
Another week passed and Donghyuck asked again at practice. And again at dinner the following week. And again in the elevator on their way to a meeting, with Yuta right there next to them.
“Talk to me about what?”
He was going to kill Donghyuck.
“Later, hyung.” He shot daggers at Donghyuck.
-
“ Later ” never did come. Mark got swept up in comeback preparations, and, as a man of many hats, he found himself busier than ever. His SuperM hyungs were coming back from the military and they wanted to make sure everything was squared away before Jongin had to enlist almost immediately. (Which Mark and Taeyong kicked up a fuss about, with Ten being gone for good. But that was a story for another time.) But, of course, Jongin enlisting also meant Taeil needed to enlist. So when he wasn’t glued to Taeyong at practice for SuperM, he was glued to Taeyong at practice with 127. He barely had time to breathe, let alone time to talk to Yuta about whatever it is he is supposed to be talking to him about.
Months passed like this; eat, sleep, sing, dance, repeat. And honestly Mark was grateful. It was a distraction, keeping him from getting too hung up on the passage of time. One month of performing meant one month closer to the wedding.
“Isn’t it kind of fucked up?” Yangyang asked Mark while they were shopping with Donghyuck one day.
“What do you mean?” Donghyuck had disappeared to the other side of the store, eyeing a very expensive watch.
“That they’re only letting the four of us go.”
“Mmm, yeah. But that’s the price we pay for doing what we love.” Mark shrugged.
“Does it ever bother you?”
What is up with everyone trying to have a heart to heart with Mark about their lives as idols suddenly?
“Does what bother me?”
“Having to keep our personal lives secret?”
“It’s worth it, isn’t it? Plus I don’t have time for a personal life anyways. You all are my life at this point.”
And now that Mark has said it, the reality became a little more surreal. Mark grew up with these people, spent birthdays and holidays with them. Every major accomplishment in his life, at least one of them was beside him. He would never be alone, not really. Even when he needed or wanted to be alone, someone was always right there with him.
-
Before they knew it, the four of them were arriving at Incheon in the middle of the night with hats pulled down low. A month left before their flight, they were all sat down in a room and given a lay out of what exactly they were to do.
- Arrive at Incheon International Airport accompanied by only one manager. The company told no one so that nobody would be expecting them at the airport. They would board and land at Philadelphia International Airport.
- Leave PHL in a black car that would be waiting for the five of them. They were to make sure they left their masks and hats on. If a fan saw them, they couldn’t acknowledge them.
- Arrive at hotel. They were to not leave the hotel that night in case someone had followed them. Room service for dinner.
- Have breakfast together at the hotel restaurant.
- Get ready for wedding at their own leisure.
- Leave together in another black car to the chateau where the ceremony and reception were being held.
- Return back to the hotel.
- Spend the morning however they wish, so long as the manager knew where they were at all times.
- Leave Philadelphia and arrive back home in Seoul.
They were all used to it at this point, having a clear schedule so that no one got lost or in trouble. It was easier that way, less freedom meant less opportunities for someone to find out what they were doing. (Though Mark thought that it would be pretty obvious that they went for anyone who wanted to find out. But that was something their PR team would have to deal with.)
From there, it was second nature. Get on plane, get off plane, complain about how hot it was, go to hotel, wait until the bellhop brought their baggage up to their rooms, avoid Yuta.
It felt like every hour Yuta was giving Mark a look and Mark didn’t want to think about it. He also didn’t want to be reminded of what Donghyuck said but he hadn’t been able to stop thinking about it for months. Yuta and Mark were always just Yuta and Mark. That was his best friend, the person he could trust with his deep, dark secrets. And Mark hoped that Yuta felt the same.
-
The chateau the wedding was being held at was beautiful. It looked like something out of a bridal magazine. It probably was if Mark knew anything about Ten. Ten had probably spent months scoping bridal magazines and websites looking for something that would fit them perfectly. Something classy, elegant and picturesque like a fairytale.
They walked down a long gravel road, past perfectly blooming flowers, manicured bushes, and a fountain littered with flower petals.
“Is this a fucking castle?” Yangyang nearly screeched, causing all of them to stop and actually look at where they were heading. In front of them was a building that looked like it belonged somewhere in Europe, probably France, with white stone and pillars.
Mark saw Kun roll his eyes and they all continued onward. They followed signs pointing them to the perfectly manicured lawns behind the building where chairs were set up facing an altar made of draping white fabric, light green ivy, and blush peonies. They quietly took seats towards the back and waited. They didn’t know anyone there and Mark doubted Kun or Yuta were confident enough in their English to even try sparking up a conversation with a stranger. So they waited alone, making small talk about the venue.
At one point, Yuta whispered to Mark, “have you ever thought about your own wedding?”
And Mark found himself wanting to answer honestly, despite how much it hurt knowing he would never get to live that fantasy.
“I have. I want to get married in a church and then we would go to a restaurant we rented out down the road and just drink and eat all night.”
“That sounds really nice.”
“What about you? What are Japanese weddings like?”
“Ah, I never really thought about it. We can’t… I wouldn’t be able to get married in Japan.”
“What do you- Oh.” Right. Yuta never even had the luxury of being able to imagine a life married to a man. It wasn’t legal there and it definitely wasn’t legal in Korea. Mark grew up with the knowledge that it, at least, was an option . He still had his Canadian citizenship waiting for him, where he could marry who he wanted.
Before Yuta could speak, the quiet music playing stopped. Mark didn’t even notice there was music playing at all until it stopped. Everyone hushed and turned around in their seats to look behind them. An old woman with a book in her hand silently made her way down the aisle and stood in the middle of the altar. After a nod of her head, a melodic piano ballad came playing through speakers Mark couldn’t pinpoint.
“Please stand,” the woman said once the music started. Everyone stood and turned to fully face the back, where a twin set of stairs leading up to the mansion was. Doors on opposite ends of the balcony opened up, each door leading to different parts of the building. Soon, a person stepped out from both sides and Mark squinted to try and make out faces. They both walked down the stairs and met in the middle, linking arms as they made their way to the aisle. It was Ten’s little sister and a man Mark had never met before. If Mark had to guess, it was probably Johnny’s best friend Kyle that he told Mark about. He had never seen pictures but it was as good a guess as any. Both made their way down the aisle and to the altar, standing to the left and right with hands carefully clasped in front of them.
The music changed and out stepped two people from only one side. Mark could tell from a mile away that it was Johnny and his mother. Big broad shoulders contrasting against his mother’s smaller frame. Mark sucked in a breath. He hadn’t seen Johnny in person in years. It felt wrong being so affected by him at his own wedding but the wounds were still healing. Yuta held his hand, swiping his thumb carefully over the back of Mark’s hand. Mark took deep breaths as Johnny and his mother walked arm in arm down the stairs. Before they reached the seats, Johnny swept his eyes across the crowd before landing on Mark.
Mark felt the blood in his body turn to ice, squeezing Yuta’s hand impossibly tight. Johnny was, for lack of a more eloquent word, hot. His navy blue suit was perfectly tailored, adorned with a silk peach-y pink tie. His hair was styled back, a swooping bang to accentuate his face. It was a classic brunet now, last time Mark saw a picture of him it was black.
Johnny smiled immediately, not breaking eye contact until he was at the aisle and looked away to take in the rest of the crowd. Johnny took his place on the left side of the altar after helping his mother sit down next to his father who Mark hadn’t even noticed.
Out stepped Ten and what had to be his mother as well. They followed the same pattern and Ten went a step further, taking it upon himself to wave at Mark and the rest of them. Mark felt his face heat up under the direct attention.
Ten took his place opposite of Johnny and Mark noticed how perfectly they matched. Ten’s suit was the same peach as Johnny’s tie with a matching navy blue tie. Where Johnny’s hair was brown, Ten’s was black. Where Johnny was tall and broad, Ten was lean and narrow.
They were perfect and Mark was happy for them. They looked at each other like no one else was there, a safe bubble of love and adoration. They deserved it. They deserved to be as happy as they look.
It wasn’t long until they were crying while reading their vows to each other, promising to be there for each other forever. To love and to cherish. To lean on and support each other. Promising to discuss with the other before bringing home another stray animal and to never go to bed angry.
Mark heard Kun sniffle, looking over to see him crying as Yangyang rubbed his back.
By the time they were saying ‘I do,’ Mark’s chest felt full of cotton. He wanted to crack open his ribs and let the stuffing out. He wanted to pull and pull until there was nothing left except for his healing heart. Johnny and Ten deserved each other. Mark would have never even come close to Ten and Mark was finally okay with that.
-
Thank God Johnny and Ten knew how to throw a party, because Mark couldn’t deal with his emotions sober anymore. Especially not with Yuta looking at him every couple minutes with worry clouding his face. He didn’t want pity right now. He wanted to drink.
Mark dragged Yangyang over to the bar while Johnny, Ten, and company took their photos. The sun was setting and the temperature was dropping to something cooler but Mark still found himself reaching to loosen his tie as the bartender made their drinks. Tequila shots for both of them, which they knocked back quickly. Then a whiskey sour for Mark and a rum and coke for Yangyang. Kun and Yuta were nowhere to be seen so the pair meandered around the property until they were eventually caught.
“Have you ever been to a wedding before?” Mark asked Yangyang as they peeked over the railing that looked out to the garden, down to where Ten and Johnny were currently posing for photos.
“Dude. We’ve been to weddings together before.”
“Oh, right.”
Mark laughed, peeling himself from the ledge to find where they would be going next. Yangyang was slow to follow him but Mark didn’t pay him much mind. He didn’t feel like talking anyways.
Before he could find where they were supposed to go, an announcement was made telling them the reception area was now open. Mark followed everyone else’s lead and Yuta and Kun were quick to find them.
“We’re sitting near the head table, come on.” Kun led them to their table where they were close to the front but off to the side, slightly out of the way.
Everyone watched in awe as Johnny and Ten entered and immediately went into their first dance. Of course it was a perfectly choreographed waltz, the footwork nothing short of immaculate. Soon followed dinner and more drinks. Afterwards, Johnny and Ten found their way to everyone’s tables. Mark watched them float around to everyone, a photographer hot on their trail. It looked exhausting talking to all these people and having everything be recorded, which sounded a little ironic given that was practically Mark’s entire life. But they looked like they were having so much fun.
They must have saved their table for last because Mark had time to get another drink in his system before the couple stood by their table with the dumbest smiles on their faces.
“You guys actually made it!” Johnny shouted.
“I missed my babies.” Ten immediately went to pull Yangyang up from his seat, pulling him into a hug while reaching over to pinch Mark’s cheek simultaneously.
“This place is amazing.” Kun spoke up from the other side of the table.
“That was all Ten.”
“That’s pretty obvious, hyung.” Mark dared to speak up. Johnny snorted.
Johnny knelt down, close to Mark. For a moment, it felt like there was no one else in the room. Johnny was close, the closest they’ve been to each other since the day Mark clinged to him in that 5th floor dorm with snot running down his face. Now, Mark was much more put together, a little more mature but still that same boy who would always need Johnny.
“I’m glad they let you come.” Johnny whispered, only for Mark. A hand clapped his knee before squeezing, a familiar motion. Mark relished in the affection.
“Me too.”
“Hey guys, time for toasts.” A man appeared practically out of thin air, pulling Mark out his little bubble. Johnny and Ten were being escorted back to their table and Mark watched them go. Mark missed them. That would always be a constant in his life, like the way he missed his family when they still lived in Canada. Because that’s what they were, they would always be family to Mark.
-
Once the dance floor opened up, Mark and Yangyang were done for. They kept finding themselves refilling their drinks and dancing to songs that made you want to move. They never got chances like this, to just drink and have fun without worrying. So it was easy to get lost in the experience. It felt normal. He felt, even if only for a brief second, like he was living a normal life.
But, of course, all good things must come to an end. Because the reality set back in and Mark watched the people around him dance, strangers to him but important parts of Johnny and Ten’s life. A life Mark was barely a part of anymore, couldn’t be.
The DJ paused the music momentarily to speak. “To my left there is a phone booth for you to leave a message in the couple’s guestbook. Make sure you pop in before you leave.” And then the music resumed its thumping and Mark found himself refilling his drink one more time.
-
The phone booth was exactly that, a phone booth. There was a sign giving instructions but Mark is pretty sure he lost a contact lens so he didn’t bother reading. He simply picked up the phone and just went.
“Hey guys…” Mark slurred, slamming down his whiskey sour on the ledge by the phone. “I really miss you. Things aren’t the same… But I guess that,” he sniffed, tears now streaming down his face. He hadn’t realized he was crying.
“I guess that’s not the point of whatever this is.” Mark motioned around inside the phone booth, before realizing that was pointless. He picked up his drink, downing what was left. If he didn’t say this now, he’d never get a chance again. He didn’t care if this wasn’t the right time or place to do it. He was too drunk to care.
Mark took a deep breath, forcing all the air out of his lungs before breathing back in to talk.
“I wanted to come in here and tell you how fucking… how fucking…” The tears wouldn’t stop. He wanted to just curl into a ball on the sticky floor of the phone booth. But he had to say it now. “I was so fucking pissed at you. You left me and married Ten. Johnny…” Mark whispered after he realized he never even addressed him. “I loved you… I wanted to tell you how pissed I was at you but I just don’t have the… I’m done wishing things were different.” Mark rubbed the back of his hand against his face, trying to dry whatever nastiness was on his face. He managed to stop crying but the remnants were still in his throat, trying to hiccup their way out. He wasn’t sure if he was making sense but the damage was done now.
Mark cradled the phone closer to his ear as he looked outside at the people dancing under bistro lights. It truly was a perfect wedding and Mark had no one to blame but himself for the resentment bubbling low in his gut.
“I’m not mad at you anymore…” Mark whispered, probably not even audible over the sound of music. Before turning around to hang up, he met eyes with Yuta who had been watching him. Knowing him, Mark guessed that he had been watching the entire time. Because wasn’t that always the case? Someone was always there to catch him if he fell and more times than not it was Yuta. Except this time he had already fallen, bloody knees and all. Instead of being caught, Yuta would have to pick up the pieces.
Yuta stood up from their table, quickly walking to Mark.
“I’m just… You got out and I get to stay closeted forever. Isn’t that fucked up? I won’t get to marry a man I love because I want to make music.”
Yuta was at the entrance of the booth, waiting for Mark to finish. Mark knew that the other would be able to hear everything. The glass was thin.
“I wish I had the strength to do it too. But I can’t leave. I have something important here and I don’t want to lose it.” Mark made a point to look at Yuta as he said that, hoping he could convey the millions of thoughts and emotions swirling around his alcohol flooded body. He hoped Yuta would understand, would translate better than Mark ever would be able to himself.
I can’t lose Yuta too.
“Congratulations, hyung. Both of you, seriously.” He pulled the phone away from him ear before awkwardly adding, “um, goodbye I guess.” He hung the phone back onto its cradle. He took a pen and signed the physical guest book next to the phone.
Congratulations to two of my favorite hyungs. May your love and joy be endless.
Love, Mark Lee
After a final wipe at his face, Mark picked up his empty glass and pushed the door open. Yuta stood waiting for him, offering his arm as Mark stumbled. Being out in the fresh air made his head spin.
“Are you okay?” Yuta asked as Mark finally grabbed on and steadied himself.
“I’m better now.” Mark meant it. The acidity had slowly melted away, leaving something now bittersweet.
“I’m proud of you.” Yuta stopped them from walking forward, using his arm to make Mark face him.
“Why?”
“You didn’t have to come here. You could have stayed home and continued to be upset about this. You’ve grown up so much, you’re not the same little kid trying to prove yourself anymore. And I’m just proud of you. We all are.” Yuta smiled, white teeth flashing across his face. It was the smile he gave that sometimes made Mark feel like he was being babied. But Mark learned that it was Yuta’s smile when he really meant something. A genuine smile.
Mark nodded. There was a lot he could have said in that moment. He could have blown it off or basked in the praise. He could have opened his mouth and said something damning. But that was for another night, one where he was more sober and could speak more eloquent truths. Yuta deserved that much at least.
“Where’s Kun-hyung and Yangyang?”
“Yangyang had too much to drink and is currently getting acquainted with the toilet with Kun.”
“Ten told him not to drink so much.”
Yuta rolled his eyes and walked back to their table, never allowing Mark to let go. He wasn’t stumbling anymore, not that he could tell. His head was starting to clear now that he could breathe. Yuta sat Mark down, telling him to stay put while he got water.
It was the second time he’d been alone all night, the first being in the phone booth. In any normal circumstance, Mark would be unconsciously checking over his shoulder for stalkers or paparazzi. Tonight though, he was promised safety. Tonight, he was allowed to relax and trust that Johnny, Ten, and the company made sure that this would be a completely private event.
“Drink this.” Yuta placed a glass of water in his hands, pulling him out of his daze. Mark did as he was told while Yuta watched him carefully. Did Yuta always look at him like that?
It wasn’t long until they were both caught up in people watching, observing the now married couple’s friends dance and laugh. Music bumping, keeping everyone up and moving. He watched Johnny and Ten dance surrounded by these people that were part of their lives now. People from their work or the dog park or old high school friends who Johnny reconnected with. It all felt so normal. And Mark wasn’t hurt by it anymore.
They were allowed this because they chose this. Just like Mark chose the opposite. Mark had to learn how to make a life out of the career path he chose. But he has people who chose the same, who are going down the same path as him. And they can do it together.
Mark looked over to Yuta, who was laughing at something someone did. Mark opened his mouth to say something but before he could, the song morphed into something disturbingly familiar. His body reacted before his brain could.
“They fucking didn’t!” Mark shouted in English. He stood up, pulling Yuta along with him. He met eyes with Johnny who gave them a devilish grin.
They were playing Cherry Bomb.
“Johnny, why?!” He groaned, shoving Johnny’s shoulder.
“Come on, it’ll be fun. I still remember it.” Johnny rolled his shoulders, unbuttoning the top button of his shirt.
“If I rip my pants, I’m taking yours,” Yuta told Johnny.
And, true to Johnny’s word, he did remember. It was like back in the practice room, practicing the moves on your own because you wanted to remember the flow of the moves. Not quite perfect, but enough to prove you knew it. Enough so that you could work on it later, as a group. Johnny even went as far as falling to the floor at the end, completely committed to the dance as the guests watched and cheered them on. Mark hadn’t even realized the dance floor cleared when they started, too focused on the feeling of dancing with Johnny again.
The song ended and somehow no one’s dress slacks were ripped. Ten appeared in front of Johnny, applauding before leaning up to kiss his now husband. Mark didn’t feel that familiar sting of jealousy anymore. Instead, he found himself looking for Yuta, who was off to the side now talking to Kun and Yangyang.
“Are you okay?” Mark asked Yangyang after making his way over. He looked a little green around the gills but no less put together than when he arrived.
“I’m okay but Kun-ge is saying I should go sleep it off.” Yangyang gave an eye roll earning him a shove from Kun. Yangyang was unsteady on his feet but Kun was prepared and pulled Yangyang tight against his side to keep him from falling.
“We’re going to say bye and head back. We’ll see you two in the morning.”
Yuta nodded and the pair went to find Johnny and Ten.
“Hyung?” Mark tapped on Yuta’s hand that had unconsciously found it’s way around Mark’s waist, keeping him upright.
“Yes?”
“Can we talk when we get back to the hotel?”
“Sure.” Yuta gave a curt nod.
“Thank you.”
-
To say Mark was nervous would be an understatement. Both Yuta and Mark sat in silence during the hour it took for the driver to deliver them back to their hotel. They were sweaty and Mark was sure he reeked of alcohol. And during the entire car ride, Mark abandoned every train of thought that led to what he would say to Yuta when they got back. Any possibility he could think of would be wrong. He started to regret asking to talk at all. But he knew that Yuta wouldn’t let it go this time.
The first thing Mark did when they got back to their shared room was take off his oxfords and peeled off his socks. He felt a hundred times better already, and another hundred times when he took off his jacket and tie. Why did he even keep those on? Ten had abandoned his almost immediately.
Yuta sat on the bed opposite of him, having already abandoned his shoes at the door. He watched Mark and when Mark was finally done fussing with his clothes, he spoke up.
“Do you want to shower first?”
“You can go first, hyung.” Mark probably needed that time to wallow in his filth for a little bit longer before he could finally speak his mind.
“Okay.”
Yuta showered quicker than Mark anticipated. Yuta was out and in his pajamas before Mark had a chance to realize that maybe, just maybe, he had feelings for Yuta.
“Your turn.”
“Actually, hyung, can we talk now?”
“Are you sure? Don’t you feel gross?”
“I’ll shower after. This is kind of important.”
Yuta sat down on his bed, pulling his legs under him to sit cross legged. He looked at Mark, expectantly, waiting. Mark was somewhere in between wanting to vomit and wanting to run. But he couldn’t keep putting himself before Yuta. Yuta deserved to be put first for a change, Mark needed to do that for him.
“I’m sorry for making you take care of me.” Mark started somewhere safe, something he could easily jump ship if things went south.
“You don’t make me take care of you. I want to.”
“But you shouldn’t have to. I’m an adult, I should be able to take care of myself.”
“Mark-”
“Let me finish.” Mark waited for Yuta to say more but he stayed silent. “I realized that the way I acted about Johnny was… immature. I also realized that I wasn’t really hung up about him, not anymore. In the beginning, sure, it hurt but I think I was just using that as an excuse.” Mark took a deep breath, looking down to his hands laid in his lap. “He gets to love someone, but what about me? But I realize that was foolish thinking because we’re surrounded by love. And I think that me acting out was just a way of trying to feel loved the way I want to be loved.”
Because wasn’t that what Yuta was doing? Loving him? Waiting for him? Enduring Mark’s bouts of insecurity unconditionally? Yuta deserved more, deserved to receive that kindness tenfold. And Mark realized that he could give him that; he could finally return the favor. Because he was done being that person.
“What are you saying, Mark?”
“I’m saying that I like you hyung. And I’m sorry for making you wait for so long.” Mark finally looked back up to find Yuta looking at him, the face of worry finally gone and replaced with someone soft, wanting.
“I wasn’t waiting for you.”
“What?” Mark’s eyes went wide. Did he completely misread the entire situation?
“This might sound obvious but, you’ve been here the whole time.”
“Huh?”
“You’re always the first one to tell me happy birthday. You’re always the first to tell fans how proud you are of me. Whenever I’m having a bad day, you crawl into my bed and nap with me. I get praised by you more than anyone else, even more than my own parents. I never expected more than what you give me.”
“Oh… So…” Mark did completely misinterpret everything about Yuta. These things he did were out of obligation and nothing else. A good hyung taking care of his dongsaeng.
“I like you too Mark.”
Mark’s throat felt dry. He hadn’t had anything to drink other than alcohol since that morning and Mark was really paying for it. He tried to clear his throat but there was nothing there, resulting in an embarrassingly loud dry cough.
Yuta cocked an eyebrow, nothing short of judgement on his face. Mark had really done and dug himself a hole. Maybe he should have kept digging until he hit the molten core where he could melt away into oblivion. What the fuck were they supposed to do now?
“You should shower.” Yuta offered after minutes of silence.
So he did; he showered and scrubbed away the remnants of party stuck to his skin. He stepped out of the bathroom a new person, a butterfly emerged from a cocoon of petulance, fear, and booze. The colors of his wings were shining in the dark, a contrast to the inky bubble he had kept himself in before.
Yuta was on his bed, in a cocoon of his own, wrapped in a fluffy down duvet up to his chin with his phone close to his face. Mark wondered what kind of butterfly was waiting for him in the morning.
Mark folded his suit and tucked it away into his suitcase and when Mark turned around, Yuta had put his phone down and was watching Mark. There was something in the air between. Mark wouldn’t call it tension, but it was something close. Expectancy? Ambiguity? Apprehension?
But Mark should have known better. This was Yuta, who could tell what Mark was feeling before Mark even realized it himself. Two minds melded together after being near inseparable for over 8 years would do that to someone.
Yuta pulled the covers off of himself, opening a space beside him, beckoning Mark in like a siren song. That was something Mark was all too familiar with. That, Mark could do. So Mark crawled into bed next to Yuta, rolling on his side to face him, leaving a foot of space between them. Not touching, not yet. Touching Yuta would be different now, with the uncovered truths from today. So Mark just looked at Yuta who looked back, comfortable silence between them.
Mark started to drift off to sleep, eyelids heavy from a long day. The sounds of Yuta breathing and the cool sheets under him were the perfect conditions to fall asleep in. Before Mark could fully fall asleep, Yuta stirred slightly. An arm was reaching across to feel around the bed, landing on Mark’s arm. Yuta dragged his palms down the arm not trapped under Mark’s own body, down to his hand. Yuta interlocked their fingers, something they had done hundreds of times before. But this time it was different. It sent butterflies to Mark’s stomach and Mark squeezed his hand.
“Things don’t have to change between us.” Yuta whispered, as if Mark was going to bolt at any loud sounds or sudden movements.
The notion was nice, Mark could understand why Yuta would say that. It was an easy out for either of them. They still have to work together, see each other frequently, and travel together. They’re coworkers first, friends second. If things went south, it’d be hellish working together. But Mark was ready to ditch the safety blanket when he stepped foot in that phone booth and confessed to himself that Yuta was something paramount in his life. Mark wanted things to change between them, or else he wouldn’t have said anything to the man across from him.
“What if I want them to?”
“We can do that too.”
“Tomorrow…” Mark trailed off. He was so tired, alcohol one of the quickest ways to put him to bed. And he had been putting off sleeping long enough that he could barely keep his eyes open.
“Tomorrow.” Yuta pulled Mark closer, cradling Mark’s head under his chin. It wasn’t a comfortable position by any means but Mark still fell asleep to the sound of Yuta’s gentle heartbeat.
-
Nothing really changed the next day, not abruptly at least. Mark woke up with the sudden urge to turn around and kiss Yuta on his sleepy mouth when he woke up. That was new.
But he didn’t. There were steps to be taken and Mark was a creature of rules and decorum. Years of idol training made sure of it. So Mark fought the urge to wake the older up with soft kisses and words of adoration. Too much too soon. Less than twelve hours ago he was crying drunk over John Suh, his first love and his first heartbreak.
Instead, Mark found himself relishing in the way Yuta’s wiry arms wrapped around him in his sleep, pulling Mark close to his body. Mark basking in Yuta’s hold-that, too, was new.
What wasn’t new was the pair of them running late for meals.
A knock on their hotel room door roused Yuta from his sleep, his arms retreating back to his own body to rub his eyes.
“Yah! Breakfast is in five minutes and then we’re leaving.” The sound of Kun yelling, as politely as one could yell through 2 inches of steel, finally pulled the last moments of sleep from the pair still in bed.
“Okay!” Mark yelled back.
-
Life went back to normal. Not that Mark had expected anything different. Maybe he was a little scared of the news of their attendance at the wedding getting out. Or a little scared that he had made up his night with Yuta or that Yuta had been lying to placate Mark.
But it was Yuta. And Mark would always be able to trust Yuta.
“How was the wedding?” Donghyuck had leeched onto Mark’s back during a break in dance practice. He wanted to find Yuta and ask him to dinner after they were done in the studio. Instead he found an always needy Donghyuck.
“It was fine.” Mark tried to step out from under Donghyuck to no avail.
“Just fine?”
“Yes.”
“Did you talk to Yuta-hyung?”
“About what?”
“Dummy.” Donghyuck bit Mark’s neck. Fully. Teeth to skin-like a literal leech.
“Ow?” Mark managed to push Donghyuck off, turning around to meet a devilish grin. “What the fuck was that for?”
“No reason. I’m glad you figured things out.” Donghyuck walked away before Mark could question him. He rubbed the spit from his neck before a voice was whispering above his opposite shoulder.
“Should I be jealous?”
Mark whipped around.
“Are you the jealous type?” Yuta was standing there, sweat dripping down his temple. Normally, that wouldn’t have even phased Mark but now it was like Yuta had opened the floodgates. Suddenly, Mark had the urge to see how far the sweat went.
“I can be.”
“Do you want to get dinner tonight? When we’re done?”
“Are you asking me out on a date, Markie?”
Mark turned red at the question. It seemed a little suggestive, even though that was exactly what Mark was doing.
“Yes. A date,” Mark said surely. Because that’s what it was. A date. Because that was a thing they could do with each other. That’s what Mark wanted to do.
“Pick me up at six, but my parents want me home by eleven.”
“What?” Mark squeaked. ”I can’t even drive?”
“Haechan was right. You are a dummy.” Yuta rolled his eyes, pinching Mark’s ear and tugging.
-
One dinner date turned to two. Then four. Then, before Mark knew it, they were three months into whatever they were doing. The NCT 127 comeback went without a hitch and they were getting ready to send Taeyong off to the military when he got a text message.
Ten
7:06am
We need to talk
What the fuck?
Mark had talked to Ten since the wedding. He knew all about their honeymoon in New York and how much of a drag going back to work was after everything. He tried to relate to the sentiment but Mark didn’t get breaks. But that wasn’t the point. They talked. They’re still friends. So why did it sound like Ten was about to break up with him?
“Everything okay?” Yuta asked in the car on the way to the drop off zone. They agreed to ride in as many separate cars as the company could afford but ultimately only a handful of the members could logistically come to send Taeyong off for real. Most of them had done it at dinner last night, since twenty-odd men trying to pull up to a military base would cause them more problems than not-even if they weren’t famous. Yuta and Mark were being driven by Jungwoo, one of the few of them with an actual license and car. Mark was pretty sure that Doyoung had Taeyong and Johnny in a car. Their manager was driving Ten and Donghyuck.
“It’s fine.” Mark tried, he really did try, to sound normal. But his chest felt tight, a sense of dread locking him up making it impossible to breathe right. He was sure Yuta would be able to tell instantly that he was lying.
Yuta watched him from the passenger seat, eyeing him carefully. Nothing got past Yuta.
“You’ll have to tell me at some point.” Yuta sighed, turning back around in his seat.
Of course he would. He would tell Yuta anything, regardless.
-
Mark replied to Ten eventually, letting him know when he was free. Now that the majority of his comebacks were done, his schedule was a lot more free. He had hoped to be spending that time with Yuta, not panicking at midnight over what Ten could possibly want to talk about.
“Baby,” Yuta called from his usual spot on Mark’s couch. But really, Mark was in the kitchen, watching his phone, waiting for it to light up with a call from Ten. “Come sit down, you’re going to burst a blood vessel like that.”
Mark padded back into the living room, phone clutched in his hand and he sat down next to Yuta. Yuta knew about the text at that point, and had come to give emotional support or something like that. Mark was pretty sure he was just there to call for an ambulance when Mark had an aneurysm.
Finally, his phone started to ring.
He looked at Yuta, as if he would have an answer to the question Mark isn’t even sure of. As if Yuta would know both the question and answer for him.
“Answer.”
Mark inhaled, then finally answered.
“Hello?”
“Hi.”
“Uh… What’s up?”
“I don’t know how to say this. Honestly I didn’t even want to bring it up but I had to because Johnny is going to find out eventually. I can’t keep this from him.”
“Keep what from him?”
“Mark. Come on, man. Do you not remember? What you said?”
“When?”
“In the phone booth, Mark. I didn’t think you were that drunk.”
Shit. The phone booth. There really was no taking that back. Mark felt like being sick. Maybe he could call Ten back in about five years when he was finally ready to have this conversation.
“I- I don’t know what to say.”
“Did you mean it?”
Mark tried to get up. He needed to pace or run outside for fresh air or maybe throw himself off the roof of the building. But Yuta has holding him down, a firm grip on his thigh holding him anchor.
“Yes. I meant all of it. I didn’t mean for it to come out like that though. I was… I was upset.” Yuta started kneading at the flesh of Mark’s thigh, looking anywhere but Mark’s face. Mark was grateful for at least that much reprieve. He wouldn’t be able to form a coherent sentence with the pressure of Yuta’s gaze on him. At least he could pretend he had some semblance of privacy with this conversation while still having Yuta’s calming presence.
“You should have said something. Mark… You can talk to me about anything. Even this.”
“Hyung, what was I supposed to do? Tell you I was in love with your fiance? What good would that have done either of us?”
“Not just that, baby. You know it was more than that.”
Of course Mark knows it’s more than that.
“I’m sorry…” was all Mark could manage.
“I’m glad you found someone. Can I know who it is?”
Of course Ten would be able to read between the lines. I have something important here and I don’t want to lose it. Mark meant it. It would only be fair for Ten to know, to prove how much he actually meant it.
“Yeah… One sec.” Mark pulled the phone away from his face. He could have just told Ten, like any normal person. But this felt right. He handed his phone to Yuta, who finally met Mark’s eyes. He couldn’t read Yuta’s face but he could see the shock easily when he answered the phone.
“Ten?”
…
“Yeah…”
…
“You know I always have.”
…
“He’s okay now. Do you want to talk to him again? Okay, bye-bye.”
Yuta hung up the phone and Mark was ready to cry with the smile Yuta gave him. He didn’t deserve this. Him.
“Ten said he’ll call you later, that he’s not done talking.”
“Is that it?”
“It’s a secret.” Yuta winked, throwing Mark’s phone onto the empty cushion on the other side of Mark. The phone bounced onto the floor and they both reached down to grab it, bumping their heads in the process.
“Mark…”
Yuta was close… It felt like it was the closest they’ve ever been. Obviously that wasn’t true, they slept in the same bed together multiple times before. But this was different. Mark could smell the cologne on him, see the stubble on his chin. It was like looking at Yuta through a different lens, gone the red tinted resentment.
If Mark was a strong man, he’d pull away and go to bed. He’d tell Yuta good night and process his thoughts and emotions alone. But Mark didn’t have to be alone anymore. Not that he was ever really alone. Mark knows that now. He had Yuta. He had always had Yuta.
Mark kissed Yuta with a fever. He was sick and tired of waiting for some right moment or for the world to signal that, yes, he was ready for this. There would never be a sign. So he kissed Yuta for the first time. He wished he could kiss Yuta for the first time every time. He was sure he’d never be able to replicate the warmth pulsing from within. Warmth that swept through his chest, down his arms, into his hands where he was grabbing Yuta’s waist. He tried to pull him closer, to kiss deeper.
Mark was a weak, weak man.
“I’m not going anywhere,” Yuta said after forcefully pulling Mark away from him.
“I love you.
“Mark,” Yuta whispered, too scared to break whatever bubble Mark put them in.
“I do. I mean it.”
“Tell me again tomorrow.”
“I’ll tell you whenever you want.”
“Let’s go to bed.”
-
It was the first time Yuta had spent the night in bed together with Mark in his apartment. Ever since moving out, sleeping and cuddling with other members had almost never happened. Not unless they were filming something together or they got too drunk at someone’s place and they passed out on their couch. So waking up with Yuta asleep next to him was a pleasant surprise. Mark could get used to this.
“I love you,” Mark whispered. He didn’t want to wake up Yuta but he had a point to make today.
“I love you too,” Yuta whispered back, never opening his eyes. So much for not waking Yuta up.
Mark wiggled closer to Yuta who was on his side, curled up facing Mark. He kissed Yuta softly, a butterfly kiss to his lips. Mark wanted this, wanted Yuta. Wanted to never let him go. He couldn’t lose someone else too. So he kissed Yuta again, with a little more pressure, and Yuta kissed back.
Yuta finally opened his eyes, a wicked grin plastered on his face. “If you keep this up, I’ll never leave.”
“Then stay,” Mark said with a confidence only crafted under a rising sun and the quiet only mornings give. If it were any other day, Mark might have stayed silent.
“You asked for it.” Yuta launched himself at Mark, rolling him onto his back, lips quickly attaching themselves to Mark. It was suffocating. Yuta was everywhere and Mark had nowhere to go. He loved it. He wanted more. He slid his tongue into Yuta’s accepting mouth and pulled him down, until they were completely pressed together.
Yuta was hard.
Fuck. Was Yuta hard just from this? From morning kisses and quiet ‘I love you’s?
“Yuta,” Mark breathed out, rutting his hips forward to get friction on his now growing cock. Yuta tried to pull away, aware of the growing situation. Mark doesn’t blame him, he probably thought it would be too much, too soon. But Mark wasn’t a virgin, and neither was Yuta. Mark wanted this too. He wanted all of Yuta. So Mark whined, pulling Yuta back down with all the strength his still sleepy limbs could muster.
“We don’t have to do this,” Yuta said into Mark’s ear. But now the thought was in Mark’s head and he really, really wanted to get his hands on Yuta’s cock.
“Do you not want to?” Mark asked, kissing along Yuta’s neck while rubbing his hands up and down Yuta’s back.
“Only if you want to,” Yuta pulled back as far as Mark’s arms allowed him. He looked at Mark like he always did, with fondness and adoration and patience. Always patience.
“Can we... “ Mark started, wiggling his arms down between their bodies to pull down both of their sleep shorts. He carefully, slowly pulled out his cock first and Yuta quickly got the memo. Yuta lifted his hips so Mark could reach and finally get his hand on Yuta. Yuta shuttered at the contact, pressing his forehead beside Mark’s head into the pillow. “Like this?”
Mark lined up their cocks, hot and warm and probably too sweaty to be hot.
“Fuck, yeah. But I don’t think I’ll,” Yuta cut himself off as Mark started to make shallow thrusts.
“Me neither,” Mark mumbled, too lost in the heat of it all. It could have been seconds or hours but it didn’t matter. Nothing mattered when Yuta was whispering Mark’s name in time with their aborted thrusts.
“Mark, I’m gonna cum,” Yuta started to lift at Mark’s shirt, leaving nothing but skin for Yuta to unload onto. Mark could feel every pulse of Yuta’s cock, could feel the warmth of his breath against his neck as he tried to catch his breath, and could feel the sticky wet of his cum being smeared between them. It all added more fuel to Mark’s need and it wasn’t long until Mark was shouting Yuta’s name as he came between them.
It was probably a little pathetic to come so quickly with only dry friction to send them over the edge. Mark might have been embarrassed about it if Yuta gave him the chance to think but as Mark started to unwind, the tension of his muscles finally melting after his orgasm, Yuta was smothering him, lips pressing wherever he could reach without dislodging himself from Mark’s hold.
“I love you. Mark, I love you.” Yuta said in between kisses. Mark was sad, maybe a little angry, he waited so long. He could have had Yuta all along.
“I love you too.”