Work Text:
Doctor Okamoto studied the green-haired figure before him. By any standard, he was a paragon of masculinity- tall, strong, and handsome. But the fidgeting that he was doing clearly signalled that something was amiss. The doctor decided to begin the session as normal- from all of his experience with psychiatry, he knew that pushing a patient to reveal what they weren’t comfortable with was a good way to have them shut down entirely.
He cleared his throat. “So, Kyouichi, how are you today? We’ve been making good progress lately, so I’m happy to meet again now.” He wasn’t lying about that- Kyouichi still had some major issues with his relation to masculinity, and he was obviously hiding something important, but he’d made some big strides in his relationships with others. It was always a joy to see his patients grow.
Saionji looked down, deep in thought as he considered what to say. “Doctor… What do you think eternity is? Does it exist?"
“Eternity?” The doctor raised an eyebrow. “Well, it depends on what you mean by eternity. Can you clarify that?"
“I’m not even sure myself,” Saionji sighed. “Or if it even really matters. But I used to be obsessed with finding eternity.”
“Why’s that?” Doctor Okamoto asked. “And I think you should elaborate a bit more on what eternity is. That seems quite broad.” He leaned in a little bit- he had only spent a few sessions with Kyouichi so far, and they hadn’t spoken about his childhood very much. Most of their time had been spent discussing his current life, but a person’s childhood could be as important to their mindset as their current state would be.
“There was this girl in high school…” Saionji trailed off. “And… Well, you might get the wrong idea from that. I barely cared about this girl. But she told me one day that she wanted to find ‘something eternal.’”
“And that made you try to find eternity? Didn’t you just say you didn’t care about her?”
“Yes, yes, but you see… In high school, there was this boy, Kiryuu Touga. We used to be best friends, but then we… drifted apart, you could say.” He sighed. “Touga was always one step ahead of me. He was perfect all the time- he had the best hair, he was constantly banging every girl he came across, he was the president of the student council, and he did it all effortlessly. And well, this one time…”
“This one time?” Doctor Okamoto prompted. “Let’s go deeper, we need to figure this out.” He could tell, this was big. One of the things he intended to work on with Kyouichi was his trouble in showing vulnerability. The amount of reticence he was showing in his speech here obviously meant that he was trying his best to share important things, even if they would be somewhat shameful.
“It’s a bit weird… but this one time, back when we were kids, me and Touga, we broke into a funeral hall.” Saionji let out a short chuckle.
Doctor Okamoto nodded his head. “Don’t worry, I understand. But trust me, I’ve heard quite a few strange stories in my time as a therapist. Somebody raiding a funeral hall isn’t too out there.” He chuckled. “But where were you?”
“Ah yes. So I was all nervous, and Touga just walks up to one of the coffins lying around. There was a girl who was supposed to be hiding in the area, and somehow he knew… There was a girl there, depressed inside her coffin. He just pushed it open, completely sure that he was right.” He shook his head. “I’m sorry, doctor, I know this is a little strange. Are you following me?”
In lieu of answering, he simply gave Saionji a short nod. “Don’t worry, Kyouichi, just tell it how you see fit.”
“Alright. So, we came across the little girl hiding in her coffin. When we opened up the coffin, she told me the weirdest thing… ‘Why does everyone go on living if they all have to die someday? There’s no such thing as something eternal.’” Saionji sighed. “Obviously, I didn’t have an answer for her then. How could I have? I was just a little kid.”
The doctor made a sympathetic grunt. “That’s certainly a tough question to get while you’re young. Even most adults would be caught flatfooted if you asked them something like that."
Saionji nodded. “Even now, I don’t know. But that wasn’t the part that stayed with me so much. The next day, me and Touga passed by the cemetery. And somehow, that girl was there, standing like a prince next to her relatives.” His face hardened at the memory.
“Oh? That seems like an extreme shift.” Doctor Okamoto’s eyebrows furrowed at the thought. “I could see her being there in the first place… But like a prince, you say?”
“Yes, like a prince. It was astonishing. And… Well, I think I must’ve already felt small next to Touga, because seeing that made me think that he somehow betrayed me. I thought that there was no way she could have escaped her coffin on her own. Touga must’ve revealed something to her that I couldn’t have.”
“Oh? And from the way you’re saying it, he didn’t actually do such a thing. Is that the case?” The doctor questioned.
“How’d you guess, doctor?” Saionji let out a deep, sardonic laugh. “I found out later, he had absolutely no idea! It was someone else who let her out of her coffin!” He shook his head ruefully. “I spent ten years of my life chasing after an illusion, something that might not even exist. And all because of my stubbornness that Touga must’ve somehow betrayed me on that day. God, I was such a jackass.”
The doctor considered what he should say next. It had obviously been quite tough for Saionji to reveal this to him, and he didn’t want to pressure him any further. “Kyouichi… Look, it’s quite clear that you really regret what happened in high school. It’s important to regret our actions, but it’s also important to be able to move forward and to become someone better .” He sighed. “If I could go back in time, I would slap myself for decisions I made a hundred times over. But since I can’t, I’ve done my best to stop myself from making those same mistakes in the future. Now, I’m not you… But all the same, you’re improving, and you’re determined to continue to improve, I can see it.” He looked at Saionji. “So keep it up.”
Saionji ran a hand through his hair. “I’m not so convinced that the progress I’ve made is really so significant. But, well, I guess I am trying. For all that it’s worth.”
“That’s all we can really ask for.” Doctor Okamoto chucked. “Although Kyouichi, I have to ask- how did you figure out that what you were feeling about Touga was incorrect? I’ve known quite a few people who carried their ill feelings towards their friends all the way into the grave. What made you change your view?” The doctor always found it crucial to tailor the session to the mood of the patient. He could see that Saionji was in an introspective mood, and he found it useful to discuss the patient’s thought processes whenever that came up.
“I…” Saionji pursed his lips. “I don’t know exactly what triggered it, but I think it was when I figured out the truth about the coffin. I told you before, I never did find out what eternity was. But I did find out who it was that showed her- it wasn’t Touga, I told you that. It was actually the vice chairman of our school, Akio. When I found out it was him, I didn’t quite start to idolize him, teenage me wouldn’t have been capable of idolizing someone not myself, but I used to follow him around all the time along with Touga, just kind of… admiring him.” He sighed.
“So it was finding out that you were wrong about what happened with that girl that changed your feelings?” Doctor Okamoto asked.
“Kind of, but not exactly. What really changed it was when I found out the truth about Akio. That girl… He was using her.” Saionji sighed. “I tried to show Touga what he was doing, but he just didn’t believe me. However much I was into Akio, Touga surpassed me ten times over- he was obsessed .”
“And this caused you distress, even when you still considered yourself to dislike Touga?"
“Yes! Honestly, I wouldn’t even say I hated him. I constantly fought him… But in a strange way, I still cared for him.” Saionji crossed his arms over his legs. “And eventually, that made me realize the truth. I realized that in the end, we were all being manipulated. I was a jackass, Touga was a jackass, but everything that Akio did, he did to make it even worse. I don’t hate Touga, but I hate that bastard Akio, I hate him for everything he made us do.” He balled his fists.
It was almost strange to see Kyouichi like this. Doctor Okamoto had definitely seen him nervous before, even anxious at times, but he had never seen him this depressed. He hung his head, and there were some tears nearly brimming out of his eyes.
The doctor reached out towards Saionji, placing a comforting hand on his shoulder. He wouldn’t normally show much overt affection towards his patients, generally wanting to keep things more clinical, but there was a time and place for everything, and the man clearly needed some kind of comfort. Saionji looked up at the contact, and the doctor gave him a small smile. He didn’t know how to proceed, especially considering that Saionji had just given some hint of abuse, but he knew that the most important thing was for there to be trust between them. That was the only way to start the healing process.
“Don’t worry, Kyouichi. We’ll work through this together.”
Saionji sketched a smile back. “I hope so, doctor, I hope so. I’m just not sure how.”
“That’s what we’re here to figure out.” Said Doctor Okamoto with a grin, broader than Saionji’s. “But we’ll work through it. I’m sure we can.”
Saionji’s answering nod was small, but significant. He may not have known what eternity was, but he was ready to move forward regardless.