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the view today was stunning, too.
the neon signs hanging from buildings illuminated the night sky in place of the stars, and from the ledge, you could see people, as tiny as ants, skittering to and fro about the city.
is this what heaven feels like? you wondered. looking from above, where nothing concerns you. where you are freed from your struggles.
freedom.
ever since you were a child, when your parents forced you to study well enough so that you could become a lawyer - which had been your dream when you were younger, back when you were a naive child whose only source of knowledge came from your parents, who spun hundreds upon thousands of fantastical stories about heroic lawyers saving others. which wasn't far from reality, except it was, because you eventually learned that most cases weren't about saving people unless you're well-known.
funny how popularity rules all, even in a world of justice.
even when you grew into a teenager, you loved the feeling of the little freedom you got, even though it was only because of societal rules that it was a supposed 'freedom' - leaving school, breaking meager rules and such. it was so constraining, especially when you were 16 - when xiayan left you, when the quiet assurances during sleepless nights became whispered cries and pleas of help, you felt so stuck, so trapped.
the feeling left when you got into college and moved into dormitories, but you knew it would come back. it always will.
and you were right.
the city looks so lively, you thought to yourself. surely, if i were to fall, no one would notice me, and i would be free. finally.
would be nice, wouldn't it?
lately, every concerned gaze you felt from your coworkers had you nearly in tears as you try to act cheerful to get them off your case. worst of all, zuoran even personally took you out for dinner to ask how you were doing, and you felt so, so guilty for lying to him, and judging from his narrowed eyes, he probably didn't believe it, and you just knew you were in trouble.
you just wanted to leave. to be free.
'i guess this is it,' you whispered to yourself, one last whisper into the night before you were finally, finally free.
'please give me a second,' a voice murmured somewhere behind you. 'please, my rose. i know i can't save you instantly from what you're feeling right now, but we can at least work through it together and ride it out, how's that?'
mo yi. he sounded like he was begging, but at the same time, like an adult who was talking to a child, or a wild animal.
the fact that people on the brink of suicide should be talked to gently so as to not frighten them into jumping briefly crossed your mind.
is that what i am? a fragile person? you mused to yourself. how pathetic you are. aren't you supposed to be a strong rose for him?
'please,' your boyfriend continued. 'i know you haven't been feeling well recently. it's my fault for not talking to you earlier, for hoping that you would one day feel better with time. it's not your fault you feel sad, and i understand that, so please, please...' his voice broke, along with your heart. 'please let me at least hug you again.'
you chose to remain silent, knowing you would listen to your boyfriend at the end of the day.
mo yi, seeing that you tilted your head to the left, a sign you were listening, stepped forward, his footsteps loud and clear. you felt his gaze on you, but you didn't know what emotion he was staring at you with.
'it's your depression talking,' he told you. 'i don't blame you for that, by the way. although, i had hoped that you would talk to me before it got this bad.'
oh.
your hands clenched, tears filling your eyes once again. he's disappointed in you, your brain chanted relentlessly, screaming at you to just slip off the edge, he wouldn't miss you anyways, why would he miss a lying, no good girlfriend who didn't even trust him enough to tell him she's feeling bad -
mo yi tutted, his voice lilting. 'don't blame yourself for that, either. i'd never be disappointed in you, though... i do hope you could perhaps spend the night at my house, watching movies and enjoying the new batch of cupcakes i made just this afternoon.'
'yeah,' you muttered. 'yeah, cupcakes.'
the cupcakes you made with him on your first month anniversary flashed before your eyes.
you miss them. you haven't properly savored food in days.
a hand appeared next to you. 'would you come with me, my lady?'
you smiled weakly, looking at mo yi, who was grinning, even though the worried crease of his eyebrows was still apparent.
'yeah,' you replied. you took his hand as you stepped away from the edge, feeling numb yet safe next to mo yi.
i'm sorry,' you told him.
'don't be. i love you.' he massaged your hand with careful fingers.
invisible flowers bloomed all over your whole body.
'i love you, too.'