Chapter Text
It was easy to ignore her emotions when so many people around her felt so strongly. It was like that when her dad left. It was easier to handle Gabe’s anger or the fear and the sadness of the kids in the orphanages afterward. There was a weight in her chest, and her eyes burned more frequently than she’d like them to. But it was simple to stretch her arm towards a top bunk and feel the red aura of a kid when a couple rejected them. At least it distracted her from the fear of never being enough.
Alex’s heart tightened as she grew up. She refused to deal with her mom’s death, her dad leaving, and when her big brother disappeared, she did everything she could to keep herself together. She ignored her thoughts, no matter how loud they got.
You’re too sensitive.
Nobody will pick you.
Nobody wants you.
Nobody will ever love you.
You couldn’t keep them together.
For years, before she got to Haven Springs, Alex Chen was more sensitive to other people’s emotions than her own. It was incredible how hard it was for her to tell her feelings apart from other people’s. She would often find herself crying for no apparent reason or slamming her fist against a wall. It was exhausting, and there was a time she wanted everything to stop. She deserved a break. Going to Haven seemed like it could bring her some peace, and it did until it crumbled. Only hours after she arrived, she lost Gabe, the last family she had. The best person she was only starting to get to know again. It all seemed to be her fault. She had told Gabe that Ethan was up there, but what she did was not enough. It was never enough.
When she experienced Ryan’s joy in the mountain, she wondered if Haven was what she craved. And then, stood in the middle of that mine, all she wanted was to go back to her newfound home. To Ethan, Riley, Duckie, Eleanor, Ryan, Steph . Oh, Steph. She had asked her to come with her only hours before Jed shot her. Alex had heard her thoughts when she decided to kiss her, and it had been so incredibly fulfilling to feel her lips against hers. Steph was worried sick; Alex knew it even though Steph was too far away at that moment. Alex was not sure how long it had been, but it had been too long.
Step by step, she managed to drag her feet towards the red glow deeper into the tunnel. Her heart stopped when she found her mother’s locket, but being an expert at ignoring her feelings, she took a deep breath and found the way out of the mine.
Time slowed down.
She walked into the Black Lantern and got to speak the truth about Jed. About Gabe. About her dad. Most importantly, she learned she had touched more lives than she thought. Almost everyone had her back, including Ryan.
It brought her peace to forgive Jed, and it helped her breathe a little better to have both Steph and Ryan supporting her.
Alex almost fainted when Steph walked her out and towards the ambulance. She felt weak, and she had little to no energy to deal with the emotions and occasional thoughts she accidentally tuned into, so her legs almost gave in before they reached the ambulance.
Steph never left her side, but she was afraid.
They stopped by the ambulance, and Steph turned to look at Alex. Her eyes scanned her body and a tinge of guilt appeared on her face.
‘She could have died, and she could have serious injuries if only I had—’
“Steph,” Alex said, and she shook her head reassuringly in an attempt to calm her down. “It’s not your fault, okay?”
Steph froze, remembering Alex could feel her. She nodded weakly, and Alex could tell she was trying hard to not give away more of her emotions.
They got in the ambulance, and they sat beside each other. There was a moment when Steph looked at Alex as if she were sitting by a ghost. She had never seen Steph so gloomy, and her aura was turning blue. Steph looked down at her hands, she was so quiet, and it started to worry Alex.
‘Gabe, I’m so sorry, I should’ve been there, but now she’s hurt.’
Alex sighed and rested her head on Steph’s shoulder, and Steph seemed confused as to why she even wanted to be near her. Alex slid her hand down Steph’s arm and enveloped her hand in hers, wishing Steph could read her mind.
‘You’re part of the reason I came back.’
The purple aura around Steph came back when they got to the hospital.
Alex winced at the nurse’s touch on her wounded shoulder that had multiple stitches. She had not needed surgery, and they left the bullet in her shoulder since it was not putting her at more risk than surgery would.
Steph was pacing the room, and when the nurse finished dabbing Alex’s wound with antiseptic, she paused and looked at her with the softest eyes Alex had ever seen.
‘I'm so sorry, Alex.’
Steph made her way towards Alex when the nurse left the room. She stopped in front of her and cleared her throat.
“How are you feeling?” She said softly, fidgeting with her fingers, her aura still purple.
“I’m okay,” Alex said, and Steph nodded softly.
It was silent for a few long seconds, but Alex was comfortable in the silence whenever she was with Steph.
“Alex, I--” Steph started.
“Stop,” Alex interrupted and smiled at her softly before standing up and stepping closer to Steph. “Think I’ve heard quite a bit,” she tried to joke and reached for Steph’s hand, stopping her fidgeting.
Steph looked down at their hands and smiled sadly.
“I still forget you can do that,” she croaked out, trying to add a lighter tone but failing to do so.
Alex nodded, placing her index finger under Steph’s chin, lifting her head as gently as possible. She smiled softly at her and started into Steph’s eyes. They had become her favorite thing to look at, and a fuzzy feeling ran through her body.
“I’m okay, Steph,” she said, and Steph pulled her hands from Alex’s before turning her back to her abruptly.
The purple aura was back.
“You could’ve died, Alex!” Steph snapped, suddenly turning back to look at her.
Alex flinched at Steph’s tone, and she could immediately see regret in Steph’s face.
‘Shit, now I’m going to lose her. Fuck, I can’t lose her too. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”
Steph’s eyes watered. Alex shook her head as her heart softened and tried to get closer.
“I know you’re sorry, Steph,” Alex said.
Steph crossed her arms, and looked down as tears rolled down her face, and Alex softened at the sight.
Steph sniffed, and wiped the tears from her eyes as quickly as she could before looking back at Alex.
“I just,” Steph said as she stepped closer and her head dropped when she was about a foot away from Alex. “I don’t want to lose you,” she whispered.
“Hey,” Alex said, placing her hand on Steph’s neck before gently resting her forehead against hers. “I’m right here.”
Closing her eyes, she felt Steph’s fear dissipate as she nodded her head against Alex’s.
“I’m not going anywhere without you.” Alex breathed out, a promise to make sure Steph never felt left behind.
After all, she knew what it was like to feel like people were always vanishing into thin air.
Steph didn't deserve that.