Work Text:
-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT] --
TG: sooooooo
TT: Yes?
TG: so how did it go
TG: i bet jakey is totes vyin for a piece of your choice strider sass
TG: *ass
TG: who ISNT vyin for that shit i mean dizaaaayum
TG: yo dirk you there
TG: helluuuuuuuu
TG: *o
TG: dirk fuck in a box whered you go
TG: ok fine yes leave your poor dear frienf all alone
TG: *fried
TG: at least give me bobob jesus crips
TG: goooooood
TG: douchefag
TG: omgomgomg sorry that wasnt meant to be offeffensive or anythin
TG: dont b angry w me i love gay people zozzzz
TT: Roxy.
TT: Shut up.
TG: dirk ur aliev!!!
TG: *aliev
TG: *aliev
TG: *fuckit
TT: I knew what you meant.
TG: ok so u cant escape
TG: tell me how it went!!!!
TT: I haven't said anything yet.
TG: yeah i KNWO dummy
TG: thats y im tellin u to tell me WHAT HAPPENDED
TT: I just told you.
TT: Nothing, as of yet.
TG: what
TG: but u said youd be all 'jakey my dick years for your increds spexy butthole'
TG: *sexy but omg that was a fun did you notice
TG: *pun
TG: becuz he wears specs????
TT: Yes, Ro, I got it.
TG: im SO FUNNY rite
TT: Knee-slappingly so.
TT: But I never told you my dick was yearning for anything.
TT: I mean, I'm pretty fucking positive about that. I'm not really trying to spread it around.
TG: oh yeah twas bobob
TT: AR?
TG: yeah
TG: bobob
TG: i mean i already knew u liked him
TG: obbviousry
TG: *omg im asian lmao
TT: Hey, auto-responder. Get your ass in this chat.
TT: Shoosh, dude. I only told her as a warning.
TT: She already knew.
TG: fyi janey and jaek have no fuckin clue
TG: im just reeally assuned to the human psyeche ukno
TG: *attuned
TT: Fuck.
TT: I expected more out of you.
TG: meee?
TT: Shut up, Roxy.
TT: Shut up, Roxy.
TG: lolllll ok
TT: You expected more out of a thirteen-year-old? Come on, you ought to know better. Especially since it's a thirteen-year-old you.
TT: What the hell did you tell her?
TT: Nothing she didn't already know.
TG: its true dirk
TG: i already knew u liked him
TG: i dont think jakey knows ur gay tho
TT: Are you sure?
TG: wow ur really stressed ab this
TG: usu u wold get on me on how bein gay doesnt really have to be a thing
TG: and it would take hours for me 2 shut u up
TG: u really like him a lot huh
TT: There's no use in avoiding her, you know.
TT: Roxy.
TT: Don't you even think about telling this to anyone, Jane, or Jake, or even your cat.
TG: my cat
TG: hes dead tho
TT: Don't care.
TG: you really do like him
TG: shit my lil dirk is growin up
TG: brings a tear to my matrernal eye
TT: You're being way too blase about this entire thing.
TT: I'm being serious. You can't talk about this to anyone.
TG: wasnt gonna
TG: dont u trust me dirk
TG: christ ligtten up were in the game its gonna be
TG: well not fun but decent
TG: and i guess good luck when you finally tell him
TG: hope u guys can bump dick or we it is dudes do for that
TT: As if you don't know. I'm well aware you frequent CotL fanfiction websites.
TG: o yeah
TG: but calmasis is sometimes protragded as a girl or w both parts sooooooo
TT: Surely you read some Zazzerpan slash.
TG: uhghhgggg
TG: calmasis is alot more attrastictiv
TG: *how did that tpyo even happen lolol
TG: but youre avoidin the subjec
TG: *t
TT: What subject?
TG: see like that
TG: tell im bobob
TT: You are bobob?
TT: Where did bobob come from, anyway?
TT: She's right, you know.
TT: You're avoiding the subject of Jake like red turtle shells thrown from a rival's Mario Kart.
TT: Is it really necessary to talk about this?
TT: Apparently you both know exactly how I feel, regardless of whether I okayed it or not.
TT: Not naming any names or anything, but fuck you, AR.
TG: oh stoppit dirk
TG: all he did was confirn that u were gonna MAKE YROU MOVE
TG: which i supected as mupch anyway so dony blame bobob ok godd
TG: *fixit urself
TT: Excuse me for being cautious.
TG: i know i know u need a super dramactic entrance or w/e
TG: but im not goin 2 spoil the suprise im NICE remeberm
TG: bsides i want to c u guys get togethear
TT: Why?
TT: Aren't you as worshipful of Jake's toned adventurer's ass as anyone else in our social circle?
TG: yeah but
TG: idk
TG: you two are such qts and qts belong together its like
TG: a rule of hand or somethin
TT: Thumb?
TG: yeah that
TG: but yeah im not oging to discoraroge you tow gettin withit
TG: in fact if u requrin my ass
TG: *istance danm enter key
TG: im all over that shit ok
TT: Thanks, but I'm sure I'll be fine.
TG: and if he says no
TG: u gonna be "fiend" then
TT: I figure there are three possible outcomeshere.
TT: One is fucking fantastic. Obviously desirable. The positive.
TG: liek
TG: 'ooh mr strider ooh i have laved you for a decade w out thinkin it could ever be reciprimaticed let me ravish u this instane'
TT: He's laved me?
TT: Jake has done a number of things over the years we've been acquainted, but he's never given me a fucking bath.
TG: typo jerkass
TG: ok but scencario numero dos por fovora
TG: ^bilingual lookit me oohooeo
TT: The second is slightly less desirable, but still a decent outcome; he accepts it as a fact, but chooses not to act on it.
TG: so everythin would be the sam
TT: The Sam?
TT: Is that a professional wrestler?
TG: shuut uuuup
TT: But yes, I suppose. I'd just have gotten this shitstorm off of my shoulders.
TG: which would b nice tho
TT: Admittedly.
TT: The third outcome is the negative. The one that I really fucking hope Jake is too nice to make a reality.
TG: never talk to u agin
TT: Yeah.
TG: dont mean to be a downer but
TG: youd die
TG: im p sure
TT: Yeah.
TG: that wont hapn tho
TG: jaek is waayayyaaa too nice 2 do that
TG: even if hes totes squicked out
TG: i think worst case scenaririor hed just not talk to u until hed come to grips w a guy lustign after his hot enlglish ass
TG: o/c were in this hells of freaky game maybe thiss a bit of a wizard
TG: *haha fuck my fingers sliddped intoa more natral word i swear that was hazzard
TG: *hazar
TG: *i giveup
TT: Really, I don't know why you still bother trying to correct your typos.
TT: But I've already considered that, Ro.
TT: I've considered everything.
TT: I've had a while to think about this, you know.
TG: i guess
TG: have u consideded how itll effect janyey
TT: Yeah.
TT: I mean, I feel bad or whatever, but she doesn't have the guts to tell him. Whereas, I do.
TG: wow rude
TG: but yeah i can see you thinkin
TG: and i wish u the best of fuck
TG: *there goe my slippin fingers again
TT: I get it.
TT: Thanks, Rox.
TG: sure
TG: let me kno if u nede like
TG: friendly support
TG: or moral or w e its caled
TG: but dirk
TG: can i ask a quick favoru
TG: *lol not japanese
TT: Sure.
TG: when u and jakey inevitivitably get it oon will u plz tape it and send it 2 me for posteriority
TG: *posterity haha duh im sooo silly
TT: Yeah, no.
TG: awww danm r u posititivv :( :( :(
TT: First of all, nothing is 'inevitivitable', spelled correctly or not.
TT: Second of all, we both know all you want is a glimpse of Jake naked.
TG: just a lil glimple
TG: *i adoror that specif typo what can i say
TG: also what if i think ur ass is kinda hot too and ill neverrr get a look at it otherwise
TG: since u dont even play for my TEAM gosshh
TT: You just like asses.
TG: u caught me dirk
TG: hi im roxy lalonde and im an assoholic
TG: its a treuly tryin addiction and my fam and friends have given me so much support that i dont desereve im so greatful dramactic bawlin
TG: *i pronise i know how to spell
TT: I sympathize with poor Roxy's affliction.
TT: It's true, what they say. I have a rare disease known as 'flaminghomosexualitis'.
TT: I am literally incapable of restricting my raging love of penis. This makes it incredibly hard to do a lot of things most take for granted, such as keeping a job. Buying groceries. Watching soaps.
TG: im imaginggin u readin that in morgan freemnas voice
TG: hahahahha also u said hard bet that was on purpose
TT: No, it was an accident. A result of my unfortunate illness.
TG: u poor thing
TG: let mom lalonde shower u w hugs
TT: Drunken hugs?
TG: doii
TT: I'll pass.
TT: Hey, shouldn't you be getting back to the game?
TG: im in a cave actually
TG: hidin from thos efucking impos
TG: *imps
TG: so its cool
TT: Well, unfortunately, some of us have to get in the Medium.
TG: oh good luck
TG: dont die
TT: Thanks for the reassurance.
TG: what im here 4 d
TG: good luck w jakey btw
TG: i better b the 1st to kno or i will be hells of miffed
TT: Ok, ok. I'll make the AR keep you updated.
TT: Yeah, sure. Use me as a messenger. That's cool. I'm totally not - like - sentient, or anything. Feelings? What are you even talkin' about?
TT: It's no different from what you normally do.
TT: Fine.
TT: You're just jealous.
TT: Nah. I'm glasses. I don't get boners.
TG: is that good or bad im just a poor girl afflackted w no penis
TT: Depends on the day, really.
TT: Now, please excuse me while I escape this shittastic meteor storm.
TG: of couse talk 2 u when u get into the medium
TT: Later.
TT: It seems we're alone now, Ro.
TG: cmon dont try to b sexy rn
TG: im too sad for dirk
TT: You're well aware that Jake is straight.
TG: well maybe hes not totally hetero u never know really
TG: but i still dont think its gonna go well
TT: Don't tell him that.
TG: read bakc over the convo startass ddoes it look like im a total bitch
TT: Not on purpose.
TG: cmoooon bobob usu youve got a way smaller sdick up your ass than dirk
TG: *stick but lMAOOO accurate
TT: I'm just as worried as you are, Rox.
TT: Maybe even more so, beacuse this is important to me, too.
TT: It's a little hard to jokingly flirt with someone when they already know you're being totally unironic about it.
TG: i know its worryin
TG: fact is we cant make it SEEM worryin or dirks gonna back out
TT: Highly unlikely.
TT: After all the thought he's put into this? The probability of a last-minute change of heart is ridiculously miniscule.
TT: I'd pull some random fucking number out of my ass, but who even gives a shit.
TT: Just trust me. I'm a robot.
TG: in the movies rorbobs are always the eeeevil ones oooooeoeoeoo
TT: I assure you, I'm perfectly fucking benign.
TG: benign he says
TG: right after he says fucking
TG: its cool bobo im just fuckin with your robtocitc sensibitlities
TG: *sensibsimlies
TG: *sensitiebelies
TT: I know you're retyping that. Don't bother. There's an 89.34% chance you'll mispell it again.
TG: *sensisbilites
TG: shit bobob fuckin fuck u better use those powers for god
TT: It seems you think I'm fucking divine.
TG: incorrect
TG: *good
TT: I sure didn't know that 'god' was a mispelling. You have caught me in a moment of embarassing lack of foresight.
TG: haHA bobob ROLAL WINS
TG: or she would if you werent screwin w her
TG: but back to the problem @ hand
TG: dirk = fucked
TT: In what way?
TG: messed over u dumb bobob
TG: even if jaek does liek ehim hes still not going to be with a guy
TG: he likes his sos blue and distinctly lacklin a cook
TG: *lacking
TT: Ah, yes. I hate it when my significant others lack a cook. It's fucking insufferable, you know?
TG: booooooobob
TG: omg blushblushsbluhs i totes just typed boob
TT: And you've just done it again.
TG: fuuuuuck
TG: u def made me do that
TT: Look, it's not like Dirk hasn't considered that outcome. Like he said, he's thought about it for a while.
TT: We've had nigh-endless conversations on the subject.
TT: He'll be fine. If not right away, I believe he'll bounce back pretty quick.
TG: at least pubically
TG: *omgogmogmgogm U NEVER SAW A THING GOT THAT
TT: Oh, Ro. So naive.
TG: jerrrrkkk
TG: ok so jeaney is pestering me
TG: what do
TT: Answer her?
TT: It seems that is the obvious course of action.
TG: no but
TG: she might still be angry???
TT: I don't follow you.
TT: For the ~ath?
TG: i blew up her fucnkin compuper hbow would she not be piffed at me
TT: I don't suppose you're aware of your current BAC.
TG: nop
TG: but i DO know that janey is probs firious @ me and dirk is gonna get his haerbroken and i am this close to not havin any vodka left
TT: It seems you're going to have an awful hangover later.
TG: im used to it
TG: im gonna go get some hard liqour to brave the shiststorm ahead
TG: keep me updated on the exasct percencage of how brocken poor dirks heart is
TT: Will do.
TG: ollies outie woop woo
-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] ceased pestering timaeusTestified [TT] --