Chapter Text
Noelle wasn’t sure if she would ever feel warm again.
A chill had settled into her, ever since she had woken up from that strange, terrible dream. The cold felt like it was radiating from her bones, traveling all along her body, permeating every part of her. It didn’t matter where she was: standing in the afternoon sun; curled up in a ball under the blankets of her bed; sitting in a freshly drawn bath that should have been hot enough to burn. No matter what, all she felt was the cold.
The cold, and the pain in her finger. That hadn’t gone away yet either, not even days later. If she brushed back the fur on her ring finger, she could see the wounds – just little pinpricks, but still red, still raw, still stinging. It was the only part of her body that felt hot, and the contrast between the two sensations held an irresistible fascination for her. She had taken to pinching that spot between the fingers of her other hand until the pain became a dull ache that felt like something she could live in, not just with. She didn’t do this because she enjoyed the pain; she did it because it was the easiest, simplest kind of pain she had.
The other kinds were worse. The pain in her finger kept her awake at night, worrying at her body, but it were those other pains that worried at her mind when she finally did fall asleep. She hadn’t been sleeping a lot those past couple days, because when she did, she had nightmares. Real nightmares, the kind that couldn’t hurt her, because in the nightmares, she was hurting everyone else. Her mother and father, her long-lost sister Dess, Susie…all of them reaching for her, arms flung out desperately, fear and sorrow and betrayed anguish on their frozen faces. The only person she didn’t hurt in her nightmares was Kris. That was because in the nightmares, Kris was always standing right behind her, close enough that she could feel their cold breath on her neck; unseen yet ever-present, whispering insistently in her ear, “Proceed. Proceed. Proceed.”
It’s just a dream, she told herself, every time. It’s just a nightmare, it isn’t real, I’m not really doing this, I would never…
But she had told herself those things before, and she had been wrong. And so with every repetition, every attempt to reassure herself that she knew what was real and what wasn’t, doubt crept into the widening cracks of her SOUL.
“Noelle?” a voice scraped through the dark dream-void.
She turned, slowly, somehow sensing what she was about to see: Berdly stood there, or something that had once been him – an ice sculpture, posed in shock and riddled with fault lines.
The afterimage of her former classmate spoke without moving its mouth, its voice like a sharp icicle pushing into her ear. “I thought…we were…friends…”
And then Berdly exploded, shattering into tiny fragments of icy dust.
****
“NOOOOOOOO!!”
Noelle jerked awake, falling as she did so, her legs getting caught against her chair and bringing everything crashing down against the cold floor of the classroom.
“Noelle!”
She had raised her arms across her face in self-defense – to protect against splinters of ice, though here in the disorienting aftermath of the dream she could barely remember the reason – but now she lowered them again, blinking at the alarmed face of her teacher, Alphys, standing over her.
Noelle felt oddly disconnected from the situation, like she knew it was happening but couldn’t quite comprehend it as real. I’ve never looked UP at Alphys before, she thought suddenly, and the thought wrung a manic laugh from her lungs – it came out as a shaky, halting hiccup.
Alphys’ voice was a shocked squeak. “Noelle, are you hurt?”
Yes!
“N-no,” she hiccuped. Her laugh was on the verge of becoming a sob. She could hardly breathe. “I must have f-fallen asleep and h-had…a bad dream…”
Taking Alphys’ hand, she pulled herself unsteadily to her feet. Her legs were shaking, so she leaned against the desk, trying to slow her racing heart.
Everyone was staring at her. Temmie, Catti…Susie. A short time ago, just the thought of her crush seeing her embarrass herself like this would have turned Noelle’s face as hot and red as a bulb on a string of holiday lights. But today, she didn’t blush. Her cheeks remained cold.
Noelle’s gaze skipped right past the weirded-out expression on Susie’s face, missing completely the deeper look of concern in her eyes, and settled inadvertently on the figure sitting in front of the purple girl. All day at school, she had been trying to avoid looking at Kris. The look in their eyes now was not concern. It was a curious look. Interested, inscrutable…cold.
They were still wearing her watch. The watch had been a celebratory gift from her mother, years ago, on the day her mom was elected Mayor. It had been part of a matching set – one for Noelle, and one for Dess. She had been wearing that watch for so long now that it almost felt like a part of her.
She couldn’t remember when or why she had given it to Kris.
A shiver ran down Noelle’s spine, because as cold as she felt, she knew it could always get colder.
As she quickly averted her eyes from Kris, her gaze fell on the empty desk in front of them. The absence of its normal occupant felt like a black hole in the room, an inescapable center of gravity.
Perhaps noticing the direction of Noelle’s attention, Alphys began to say in her scratchy voice, “I know things are hard for many of you right now. We’re all w-worried about your missing classmate. But I’m s-sure the police will find B-Berdly soon! I want to remind you that the school counselor is available if a-anyone needs…to talk…”
She trailed off, because no one was listening to her. They were all still staring at Noelle, who was hunched over, clinging to her desk like a drowning woman would cling to a life preserver, trying not to hyperventilate. No one knew where Berdly had gone, and no one knew that Noelle had seen him last, asleep – or worse – in the computer lab; no one, that is, except for Kris and Susie, and she didn’t think they had told anyone what had happened. How could they? No one would have believed them anyways.
If he’s d-dead, she thought frantically, her mind racing along what was by now a well-worn track, then what happened to the body? And if he’s alive, then how come he never came home?
Her heart was pounding. The classroom walls felt like they were pressing in on her. And Kris…Kris was still staring. She could feel their gaze without having to look. They knew what was wrong with her; they were the only person who understood. They could see right through her.
There was a time when she would have sought solace in her childhood friend’s quiet understanding. Now, all she wanted to do was flee as far away from them as possible.
Alphys was hovering by her side, unsure what to do. “N-Noelle, perhaps we should take you to see the n-nurse…”
She moved to put a steadying hand on Noelle’s arm, but Noelle flinched away. She felt like if anyone touched her, the blizzard inside her body would freeze them solid.
“I…I have to go.” Her voice came out as a stifled whisper, quieter than she had ever heard it.
“Wh-what was that, Noelle?” Alphys asked. “I couldn’t hear y-”
“I HAVE TO GO,” she said, forcing the words out in a torrent. And then she took a deep breath and ran for the door.
“Noelle!” Alphys squeaked from behind her. “Class isn’t over yet!”
But she was already out of the room, running down the hall, sprinting past a startled Toriel on her way out of the school. She didn’t realize she had been holding her breath until she burst out of the front door and into the fresh air, blinking against the sudden afternoon light.
She kept running, though her tired lungs soon forced her to slow down to a brisk trot. She wasn’t entirely sure where she was going; she considered heading for the hospital, but she felt too unstable to face her ailing father and explain to him why she wasn’t in school at this time of the day. And going home would have meant spending the rest of the afternoon all alone in a house that was too big for her. Where else could she go that was private but safe, where she could be alone but unburdened by guilt and fear?
The answer came to her when she saw the church steeple peeking up over the tops of the trees. She hadn’t even realized that her feet were taking her there – it was as if some unconscious impulse was guiding her steps.
She paused outside the church doors, hesitating. The sharp pain in her finger pulsed. She hadn’t set foot in church since…well, since before. She had changed so much in the last few days; would she still be welcome in a place like this?
She pressed her injured finger between forefinger and thumb. The throbbing settled into a steady ache. She gathered herself, finding a stable balance in her shaky breaths, and pushed the door open with a loud creak.
The little vestibule inside was dim and quiet and empty – not even the pastor seemed to be around. And why would anyone be there? It was a busy midday in their little town, and no services were scheduled. But the doors were always open to anyone who wished to pray.
I haven’t burst into flame or turned to dust crossing the threshold, she thought. That’s a good sign, I guess...
She made her way cautiously through the doors to the nave. The main room of the church was as empty as the entrance, so Noelle quickly strode down through the pews until she stood before the altar, looking up at the symbol of the Angel.
There was a gentle quiet to this place, with its familiar, dusty scent, and the warm, multi-colored light of the sun shining through stained-glass windows, that seemed to slightly thaw the frost around Noelle’s SOUL. Before she knew what she was doing, she was on her knees before the altar, head bowed and hands clasped together in prayer, begging for forgiveness.
She prayed for Berdly; that whatever she had done to him had left enough behind for his SOUL to reach Heaven. She prayed for herself; that she could be forgiven for the weakness and fear that had led her down a path to dreadful sin. She even prayed for Kris, though she wasn’t exactly sure why. She just felt, somehow, that they needed the Angel’s light to protect them from whatever darkness had taken hold of them. Kris hadn’t been themself in that dark nightmare world. They were a good person, normally…
Then again, she had always thought of herself as a good person, too. Maybe “good” wasn’t something you were, but something you did. Something you had to choose, again and again. And if that were true, if any kind of person could make bad choices, then maybe she didn’t know what a good person even looked like anymore.
“Please,” she whispered. “Please make Kris good again.”
“Noelle,” a voice behind her said, and she jumped to her feet and whirled around.
Kris was standing there, a few feet down the aisle, watching her. She hadn’t heard them come in, even though the room was silent, and the church doors always creaked. Their unkempt hair concealed their eyes, and their lanky teenage frame stood vaguely askew. Her sliver watch glinted on their wrist.
“Wh-what do you want?” Noelle gasped. Her heart pounded, and the pain in her finger came roaring back into the foreground of her mind.
“You’ve been avoiding me,” Kris said, in a voice as calm and steady as it was terrifying. Not a good voice. Not like Kris’s voice at all. “Is there something you want to confess?”
The still, dusty air of the church suddenly felt very, very cold.