Archive of Our Own

Dean is nine when he realizes something is seriously wrong with him. It’s not like his father hadn’t told him over and over that he’s not good enough, but it’s the first time that Dean believes it himself.

He just comes home from school, when he sees his little brother Sammy sitting outside on the porch, clearly waiting for Dean to come back home. Dean smiles and Sammy runs over to hug him.

“Dean! Daddy and I found my words!”

Dean’s blood freezes. Sam doesn’t even seem to realize that and holds up his wrist, so that Dean can read the words. It’s a nice handwriting.

'Didn’t pick you for the Stanford kind-of-guy. But I like it.'

“Oh.” Dean says, because it feels as if his world suddenly changes completely again. He doesn’t really remember the night his mother died, but he remembers the way he kept coughing days after, because his lungs burned from all the smoke in their house.

He remembers the pain.

Right now a similar weight settles in his lungs, but Dean tries to ignore it. He knows his father doesn’t really like it when either of them starts to cry over something silly. Dean’s smile feels wobbly, but it’s there.

“Daddy says that means I’m smart too.” Sam says and Dean nods. He had always known Sammy was smarter than himself. Sam could read when he was barely four and he enjoys it a lot too.

Dean knows that Stanford is a university and that only smart people can go there, but somehow it also sounds far away. Maybe Sammy would leave him some day?

“Sam.” John opens the door and he looks already pissed. Dean knows he got hurt at his latest werewolf hunt and that is probably the only reason they’re still in this town. Dean ducks his head.

“I was just showing Dean my words.” Sam says and he still holds his arm proudly up. When Dean looks up again, he can see that John is actually looking very proud of himself. He’s smiling too. Dean’s stomach feels weird.

“Fine, but you know that Dean doesn’t have a lot of time. Homework first and then you gotta start with dinner, I’m starving.” John says and Dean hastily nods. He knows his father is busy with research, so he doesn’t complain.

Sam seems a bit annoyed, but Dean ignores him and then walks inside. The kitchen looks like a disaster and Dean sighs. Luckily he doesn’t have a lot of homework to do and he gets most of it done faster than he had thought.

“Dean? What are your words?” Sam asks after a while and Dean jerks so hard that his pen falls to the ground. John, who is next to Sam on the couch, reading a book that looks so heavy that Dean has no idea how he holds it, starts laughing.

“Answer him Dean.” John says, when it’s clear that Dean doesn’t know what to say.

“I don’t… I don’t have any words.” Dean says and no matter how often he had said those words to himself, it still leaves a bitter taste in his mouth. Sammy’s eyes grow big.

“Everyone has a soulmate!” Sam says, as if Dean would be lying to him. But Sam is right, every human has his very own soulmate. At the age of six you gain a few words on your body, which are the first words your soulmate will say to you.

Sometimes it’s rather short, but Sam’s is so long that he will find his soulmate easily. Some people only have small greetings, which makes it so much harder. Dean wishes he had anything at all.

“N-not me.” Dean says and he tries to swallow his tears down. He spent so many times in front of a mirror, praying that he would find some words. But now he’s already nine and he’s pretty sure that means the words won’t come anymore.

“Not everyone.” John says now as well and Dean looks back at his homework. Math is the last class that is missing but he knows he won’t get anything done after this. So he packs his things away.

His dad and Sam are probably hungry anyway.

“But did you look everywhere?” Sam asks again and Dean doesn’t want to continue this talk. Luckily he doesn’t have to.

“Sam, enough. Your brother doesn’t have a soulmate. That’s a good thing, he can concentrate on hunting the thing that got your mother.” John says and Dean’s heart feels even more heavy.

Maybe it’s really better like this.

Dean doesn’t turn around, but he takes some of the pots out of the cupboard. He could maybe make them noodles. Then again Sammy also needs his vegetables. Dean hopes they still got spinach somewhere.

“And what will I do when I grow up?” Sam asks and he sounds a bit scared of the answer. Dean swallows.

“You will make me proud and go to Stanford. You will become a lawyer like you always tell Bobby and then you marry that beautiful girl who will speak those words to you.” John says and Sam giggles.

They sound so happy.

Dean only realizes that he’s crying when a teardrop falls into the pot with water.

He’s scared to end up alone.

*

“I met her.”

Dean can’t help but cringe at the words, but he hopes Sam doesn’t see his reaction. John clasps loudly.

“That’s great Sam! So tell me about her.” John says and he seems so happy. Dean looks down at the gun he’s cleaning. Acting as if it’s the most important task in the world. Somehow, every day, this topic seems to come up.

Dean moves his arm a bit, even though he knows his wrist is still empty. No name, no words. Nothing but old scars and dirt.

“Her name is Jess and she’s a nurse. We met at the halloween party yesterday. She lives really close.” Sam says and Dean can hear how happy his brother already is. And god, Dean wants his brother to be happy, more than anything.

“That sounds like she’s a wonderful girl.” John says and Dean sees how the two hug. He knows he has to put on a brave face for Sam, so he puts his gun away and slowly gets up.

“I’m so happy for you.” Dean says and he hugs his little brother as well. Sam is by now taller than him, but Dean tries to ignore that too. He just leans into the hug, craving touch more than anything these days.

“Thank you, Dean.” Sam whispers back.

“So what are your plans?” John asks then and they sit down at the small coffee table. Dean feels so out of place, but doesn’t want Sam to worry about him.

“Well I’m gonna see her tomorrow again.” Sam says and John nods in approval. Dean can’t help but smirk too. That’s Sammy for you, never letting a chance go. Dean hopes that Jess treats his brother right.

They spend the next two hours talking about soulmates and Dean can’t help but daydream about an alternative universe where he would have a soulmate too. Maybe she would be a nurse too? Maybe he would be a mechanic like, Dean always wanted?

John and Sam don’t seem to realize that Dean isn’t really part of the conversation, but by now he is used to this. Sam always tried to ignore the topic, because he knew how much it hurts Dean. But he’s excited right now.

Dean gets it.

“Alright, I think I should get going. I wanted to clean my apartment before tomorrow.” Sam says and he smiles a bit embarrassed, Dean chuckles at that.

Since Sam started to study, he moved on campus. John’s apartment is really close, so he can still keep an eye on Sam, while Dean often is weeks away for another hunt John sends him to.

“Yeah we still got work to do. Dean’s got a new hunt and I wanna prepare him for that.” John says and Sam nods. Lately just like Bobby, John often manages hunts, instead of going out himself.

Not that Dean minds. He’s happy on his own. No reproaches, no yelling.

Dean hugs Sam good-bye and wishes him good luck with Jess. He knows Sam will call him tomorrow anyway to tell him about his soulmate.

Just as the door falls closed, John comes back into the room and throws Dean’s bag on the ground. Dean turns around startled.

“I packed your stuff for you.” John says and Dean isn’t sure he understands. At 22 he’s surely old enough to pack his own stuff for a hunt, he already had to cook the meals since he’d been six.

“What do you mean?” Dean asks and he has to admit he’s afraid of the answer.

“I’m kicking you out. What? Did you think I would keep supporting you? Sam has his soulmate now and they’ll be happy together and I think we’ll be better off without you.” John says and his eyes are so cold.

“W-hat?”

“I met a woman too. Her name is Kate, I got her words a few months ago and at this point you haven’t managed to find your mother’s killer, so I don’t believe you ever will. So what’s the point in keeping you?” John says and he kicks against the bag.

“But D-Dad I…” Dean tries, because he has no idea where to go. He doesn’t even have any friends, nor money.

“Get out of my sight! I don’t want Jess and Kate to run away because I decided to keep a freak around. Have you ever thought about why I send you away on hunts so often ? That way I don’t have to see your face.” John yells and Dean’s chest hurts.

He nods shortly and then grabs his bag. Dean hastily takes his gun as well before his father can say another word and then he slams the door behind him.

It’s cold outside but at least not raining and Dean runs down the stairs. He needs to get away from here, even though he doesn’t know where he could go. His father would know if he’d run to Bobby.

Dean takes a deep breath and tries to keep himself from hyperventilating. He doesn’t have time for that. On the other side of the street is the Impala and Dean walks over to her.

“Hey Baby.” Dean whispers and strokes over her roof. He looks back to the tiny apartment John had rented and luckily Dean doesn’t see him at the window.

He breaks Baby’s window, while muttering apologies to her, and then gets inside. It’s easy for him to hot-wire her and only a minute later he’s already back on the streets. He tries to calm himself down.

Ten minutes later he’s out of the city, but only after a six hour drive, Dean allows himself to stop. He parks Baby at the roadside and leans his head against the steering wheel. He misses Sammy already.

But he knows John is right.

Freak.

Just like that the tears fall again.

Dean sobs into his own hands. Cursing his own existence. Praying for help.

Nothing changes.

*

It’s late when Sam finally finds the huge bunker the bartender was telling him about. It looks like there’s also some sort of entrance and then everything should be underground. Overall it looks… old. Broken. Dirty.

Sam prays that he’s at the right place and he’s so relieved when he spots the Impala. He’s found him.

“Dean!” Sam can’t help but yell the name already, it’s been six years since he had last seen Dean and now he was finally getting close to him again.

Just as Sam wants to go up the stairs, someone stops him. It happens so fast, that Sam gets a bit dizzy. There’s an arm around his neck and he can barely breathe.

“Hello stranger.”

Sam never heard that voice before, but he knows the guy has a knife. It’s brutally digging into his side. Sam chokes on his words, just as another guy comes towards them. He looks thinner, almost innocent.

“Benny, you're choking him.” The guy says and he sounds actually worried. Sam wants to nod, but at least the hold onto his neck lessens a bit.

“His own fault for walking into our home like this.” Benny answers. Sam is not sure what is actually happening, but he didn’t even bring some kind of weapon with him. He stopped hunting so many years ago.

“I’m sorry. I’m just looking for someone.” Sam says and he holds up his hands to show that he’s not a threat. The small guy smiles a tiny bit and Sam’s eyes grow wider when he sees the teeth.

Werewolf.

Fuck, maybe Dean is in actual danger and Sam was too late and -

“Benny? Garth?”

Sam would turn around if he could, because this is his brother’s voice. Relief fills him, because Dean is alive.

“Cher. Look what we found.” Benny says and he turns them around. Sam sees how shocked his brother looks the moment he recognizes Sam. Sam tries to smile at him.

“Sammy!”

“Wait, you know him?” Benny asks and he finally lets go of Sam. Dean nods but otherwise he seems speechless, because he runs over to Sam and hugs him as tight as he can. Sam had missed this.

“I’m his brother.” Sam says and uh - Garth smiles widely at that. Sam is still wary of his teeth and he has no idea what’s going on.

“We’ll leave you alone.” Garth says and he nods at Sam again, as if he wants to apologize. Sam nods back, because this is all a bit too much.

“Sorry cher, I didn’t know.” Benny says and in the next second Benny and Garth are both gone. The huge door falls close behind them.

“Dean?”

Dean finally breaks the hug and Sam can clearly see the tears in his eyes. Overall Dean looks different, it’s not like he changed completely, but his hair is a bit longer and softer. His eyes aren’t hard but wide and vulnerable. He looks as if eating all the pies finally let him put on some weight.

He looks healthy for the first time.

“What are you doing here?” Dean asks and he nods to the door. Sam follows him into the house, it’s warm inside and it looks cozy, different then it looked from the outside. They go down some stairs and there’s a huge room waiting downstairs.

Sam thinks he can even see a library but Dean walks down one of the corridors and opens another door for them and this room looks like a living room.

Sam sits down on the huge black couch, while Dean sits in one of the armchairs. He’s still wearing flannels and ripped Jeans. At least some things don’t seem to change.

“I was looking for you. Dean, I’ve been searching for years for you.” Sam says and he can see how hurt Dean looks, even though he tries to turn his face away.

“Yeah… I uh… I hide pretty well.” Dean finally says and Sam nods. No other hunter had even known where he went.

“Why did you leave?” Sam asks, even though he’s sure he already knows the answer to that. Dean looks so tired at that question and the scar on his cheek is also pretty fresh. Dean shrugs at first and he stares down at his hands.

“Well, I didn’t want to… I mean you had Jess and Dad had Kate and I wanted to live my own life.” Dean says and Sam knows what he means by that. John had kicked him out. At first Sam had believed that Dean had been on another job, but then he’d be missing for months.

“I knew Dad lied to me.” Sam says and he can feel tears in his eyes again. He had searched years for Dean, because he didn’t dare himself to believe that his big brother died. And he was right, Dean is alive.

“Hey Sam, no Dad was…” Dean says but Sam stops him.

“He was an asshole.” Sam says and this time Dean doesn’t try to correct them. Sam isn’t mad that Dean hadn’t been at the funeral. Or… at any funeral.

“So uhm what brings you here, where’s Jess?” Dean asks and he sounds a bit worried already. Sam has to swallow his tears down and he coughs more than once.

“She’s uhm… she died.” Sam says and his lungs hurt just from those few words. It’s been months, but he’s still not really over it and how can he be? She is his soulmate. Or was. He will miss her forever.

“Shit, Sammy. I’m sorry. Was it… uhm…” Dean stutters out and Sam knows what he wants to say. So he nods. He can still smell the smoke sometimes and the picture is forever burned behind his eyes, just like she burned on his ceiling.

“Like Mom.” Sam finally says and he sees how Dean jerks at that. He’d always been hurt if someone would just mention their mother.

“I’m really sorry. If I had known, I would’ve been there.” Dean says quietly and they both know that it wouldn’t have made a difference. Sam’s heart stays broken.

“Yeah I just… well I searched for ages for you and… she would’ve loved to meet you. Wish I could tell her that I found you.” Sam says quietly and Dean gets up, only to kneel down in front of Sam and takes his hand.

“Do you want… to hunt the thing?” Dean asks and he sounds scared of that answer. Sam shakes his head. Not one minute did he want to spend a life like John did and it wouldn’t bring Jess back either way. He just wishes her the peace she deserves.

“No.”

Dean seems rather surprised by that and Sam sighs.

“I don’t want to spend my life on the road.” Sam says and Dean nods. The rest can go unsaid. Dean gets up again and then smiles carefully.

“Well I know it’s not much, but if you want you could stay here for a while.” Dean says and Sam raises his eyebrows. He hadn’t thought about what he would do if he would ever find Dean, but he felt himself smiling.

“I would like that very much.” Sam whispers. Dean’s smile looks real, too.

“Then stay.”

*

Dean takes a deep breath and then opens the door to their library. Garth and Benny are sitting at the table and they both pretend to be reading. Garth’s book is even upside down and Dean grins, when he flips it over.

Sammy behind him still looks wary around them.

“So now that you’ve been here for a few weeks I feel like we should actually show you what we do.” Dean says and he grabs the beers Benny got them. Sam takes his with less enthusiasm.

“I know you’re hunting.” Sam says and he sounds almost annoyed.

Benny snorts at that and even Garth chuckles. Dean sits down next to Benny and shakes his head. Of course his brother would think that.

“Not really. I feel like I’m doing the opposite. See Benny is a Vampire as you know and Garth is a werewolf, even though not a pureblood. But I saved them both.” Dean says and he grins, when Sam sits down for that.

“Yeah the hunters already had me on my neck.” Garth says and it sounds like the memory still haunts him. Sam can see some scars on his neck.

“What do you mean?” Sam asks and sounds really curious. Dean smiles at that, he had always hoped that he could tell Sam about their “business”, but he never really wanted to take him away from Jess.

“Like I said. I uh... figured out that not all monsters are evil. I mean it’s pretty obvious, too. Some of them didn’t want to be turned in the first place, some just want a peaceful life and some would never hurt a human.” Dean says and he really likes to talk about this.

“Benny only drinks blood from animals.” Garth says happily and Benny snorts, before he holds a bag of blood up. Sam nods towards him. Dean knows that Sam isn’t really comfortable around them, but he hopes that will change in the future.

If Sam stays.

“So you're like a monster shelter?” Sam asks and Dean has to laugh, because all considered it’s kinda true. Sadly not many monsters are here at the moment.

“Kinda. I got a few friends who’re out to save some other vampires that Benny knows.” Dean says and he hopes Jody and the girls are safe. Benny smiles at the thought of his old friends and Dean nods to him.

“We watch the monsters for a few days, see if they’re after humans - then we do call other hunters - or if they’re not we talk to them. Try to figure out what they need.” Garth explains and he smiles so widely again.

When Dean had first met Garth, he’d been almost annoyed with him, but there isn’t a day where Garth doesn’t make him laugh.

“I can’t wait to see Andrea again.” Benny says and he strokes over his wrist. Dean knows that her name is written on there and his own heart squeezes. He never even met a monster without a soulmark.

Doesn’t that make him the monster?

“I kinda hope we find Bess too.” Garth says and he sounds sad. Dean is already on it and if he can believe Charlie (which he always can) then they’d bring her and Garth’s daughter home soon enough as well.

“I’m sure you’ll meet the others soon enough. We got Jody who’s a cop and she’s got two daughters. Claire and Alex. Claire is amazing at finding monsters and Alex is a nurse, so she stitches them right up.” Dean explains and Benny snorts again.

“Like fire and water, those two.” Benny says and Dean nods at him. He kinda feels like he adopted Claire and Alex as much as Jody had years ago when monsters had killed the girl’s parents.

“And then we got Charlie, my best friend, no offense guys. And she’s either with me or Donna. Since I’m out because my knee got fucked up when we helped Madison and Lenore, she’s with Donna this time, looking for Garth’s soulmate.” Dean explains and Sam’s eyes widen at that.

“You guys have soulmates?” Sam asks and Dean snickers, because he said it so earnestly and not as if he wants to insult them. Garth happily shows his, while Benny only answers the question. He’s not trusting Sam yet.

“Sure have. Everyone has!” Garth says happily and Dean looks away. He knows Garth didn’t mean it in a bad way, but it always hurts.

Dean feels Sam glance at him, but he gets up and leaves the room. He needs some fresh air and maybe some more beer. Dean walks down the corridor and then up the stairs to get outside.

It’s warm and so he sits down in the grass in front of his bunker, looking up into the dark night. He can’t even see any stars today.

“Dean.”

He knew that Sam would follow him, he’s probably really worried and Dean hastily blinks his tears away. He should be over it by now, he knows that. Sam sits down next to him and smiles so sadly.

“Still no name?” Sam asks and Dean shakes his head.

“Kinda feel like it’s silly to wait for it anyway.” Dean admits and tips his head back again. It’s easier to face the dark instead of his brother’s face. He can see that Sam shakes his head, Dean knows what’s coming.

“Your soulmate could yet be born.” Sam says and Dean laughs, but it sounds a lot more watery than he intended. He squeezes his eyes shut.

“I’m thirty and don’t even want to think about that.” Dean says and Sam agrees quietly. It’s not unheard of for soulmates with such a huge age gap and Dean wouldn’t feel comfortable at all. He will just be alone.

“I’m sorry.” Sam says and then he hides his right arm rather clumsily. Dean’s heart stops, because he has a feeling what that could mean. Sam tries to look innocent.

“What was that?” Dean asks and points at Dean’s wirst. Sam frowns.

“Nothing.” Sam tries.

“Show me your arm Sam!” Dean says and he can’t help but feel angry too. At least Sam doesn’t discuss it or tries to lie to him. He holds up his arm and Dean sees a new name there, just like it had happened with their Dad.

>em>'I always liked a tall guy.'

Dean has to laugh at that, because she already seems like a cool girl. He just wishes he could have something like that too.

“Congrats.” Dean mumbles and Sam just comes a bit closer and hugs Dean. Dean presses his face against his brother’s shoulder and cries silently.

His father had two soulmates. His brother has two soulmates.

Dean… doesn’t even deserve one person for himself.

He feels like he knows why.

*

“An angel? The fuck.” Dean says, when Charlie sits down in front of him. She looks worried and that means she is also very serious.

“Like I said. I got Bess and the kids out, but later in the bar I heard someone talking so I sneaked to the table next to them and they were discussing catching another angel. Said they love to hurt them.” Charlie says and she shudders.

Dean can’t help but shudder, too. He slowly gets up from his bed, where they were both sitting and looks through his wardrobe. He finds the journal he stole from his dad and looks through it.

Not one entry about angels.

“Do you know where they think he is?” Dean asks and Charlie reaches into her pocket, before she pulls a small paper out.

“Sure thing, boss.” Charlie grins and winks at him and Dean knows exactly why she is his best friend. And it’s surely not because she calls him boss. On the paper he finds the location and the time.

“How in the hell do you have all this information?” Dean asks, while he types it into his smartphone. He’d hated it at first, but now it’s pretty useful. Of course Charlie bought it for him.

“Well you know me. I’m just awesome and I called Bobby too.” Charlie says and Dean has to agree with her. She’d always be a big help for their little project. But Dean had never heard about an angel and he isn’t sure what to make of it.

“This seems so weird, like. Shouldn’t angels not be on the hunting lists anyway?” Dean says and he strokes over his face. Something about the whole thing seems very fishy.

“Who knows? Before I met you guys, I’d thought Edward Cullen was the only friendly vampire but Benny proves me wrong everyday. Well he doesn't stand at my bed at night and watch me. Creepy.” Charlie says with another smile and Dean grins.

“Yeah sure. I remember how you ogled the little fairy the other day, while she was unconscious.” Dean says and Charlie throws his pillow at him. She misses almost by a mile and Dean laughs even more.

“You’re an ass.” Charlie says and she gets up. It’s almost ten by now and she tries to hide a yawn from him.

“Don’t you know it? Anyway I think we should check this out. We could leave tomorrow morning.” Dean says and Charlie nods. She doesn’t even try to talk to him about his knee, because she knows Dean wouldn’t listen anyway.

“See you then boss.” Charlie says and holds two fingers up in her infamous peace sign. Dean waves at her and the door falls closed.

Dean waits almost ten minutes, before he decides that now should be his chance. He knows a few bars around the bunker and he’s sure that today he just needs some alcohol.

Who would’ve known that now Angels are Dean’s thing too.

But right now he only wants to get drunk and forget about everything for a while. He hopes tonight is one of the times where the alcohol does it’s job and he can peacefully sleep for a change.

Maybe not even in his own bed.

Just as he sneaks out of his room, he can hear laughter in the kitchen. It’s Garth who’s laughing and the woman he can hear talking should be Bess. Dean had met her yesterday and she seemed sweet.

A perfect match for Garth.

Dean’s heart sinks when he thinks about their kids. He’d love to have kids of his own someday. Not because he thinks he would make everything better than John, but he’d give his damn best to raise them like they deserve.

But that also means he’d need to find someone who is willing to stay in a relationship with someone who hasn’t gotten their mark. Dean had tried that once, with Lisa but then she’d found her real match and the thing was over.

“What are you doing here?”

Dean jerks a bit and turns around, only to find Sam in the small corridor behind him. He’s still dressed and has a laptop in his hand. Dean curses inwardly.

“Nothing, just wanted a beer.” Dean says and Sam nods. His brother would probably not really be happy if he went out all night and drank himself stupid. He didn’t need to know that Dean had been draining his heartache in alcohol for years.

“Charlie told me about the angel. Will you save him?” Sam asks and Dean knows what the real question is in the room. Sam wants to come with them.

“Sure. We’ll see if he’s a good guy, but being a server of - well is there even a God - he should be one of the good guys, right?” Dean says and Sam frowns at him. Dean’s fingers itch and he wants to leave.

The corridor is dark but Dean can see very clearly how annoyed Sam is.

“Well, I wanted to come with you.” Sam says and there it is. Dean remembers that there had been a time where Sam had hunted with him and John. He’d been maybe ten or so but it had only been a handful of times, when John couldn’t ask anyone else for help.

“Absolutely not.” Dean says, but Sam only stares at him. The fucker even uses his puppy dog eyes, because he knows exactly that Dean can’t say no to them.

“Come on. I want to help you guys here and I can’t sit around all day doing research for you.” Sam says and he even pushes his lower lip a bit out, that dirty bastard. Dean rolls his eyes for the effect.

“Thought you like research.” Dean says and Sam nods, before he looks down.

“Dean, I just… I know you’re doing good stuff here and I want to be part of that. I wanted to be a lawyer so I could help people but… it didn’t work out but I feel like this could be something where I could really help.” Sam says and Dean sighs.

God, he had lost this argument, before it had even started.

“Fine. But you stay behind me the whole time. Charlie and I leave tomorrow morning.” Dean says and the smile he gets from Sam is almost worth it. Shortly after that Sam is on his way to bed, while Dean takes his keys.

He needs the night out more than ever now, because he’s honestly scared shitless something would happen to Sam.

Dean quietly leaves the bunker, when it just turns midnight.

*

“Finally awake huh sweet little Angel?”

Dean cringes at the voice of one of the hunters. He doesn’t remember him, but that means nothing. Most hunters know he’s the son of John and they’re not really fond of him or John. Not that Dean cares.

Charlie waves at him, Sam behind her. It looks almost ridiculous, because he’s almost twice as tall.

They’re in an old barn and Dean’s got goosebumps just looking at it. This is the type of location you want, if you’re trying to hide a body or something. There are signs drawn on the wall that Dean’s never seen before.

Probably something to do with Angels. Dean would take pictures of them later.

After they’d free the angel.

“I don’t understand what you want from me.”

The voice of the angel is deep and actually kinda nice. Dean can’t really see his face from their direction, but he doesn’t look very tall or intimidating. Dean shrugs at his own thoughts, looking back at the scene.

There are three hunters from what Dean can see. Most of them have a gun in their hand, but Dean knows they carry a lot more weapons with them, under and in their clothes. One of them has some kind of weird knife in his hand though.

“We just don’t tolerate monsters in this town.”

“I told you before, I’m an angel of the lord. My name is Castiel.”

Dean waves his hand a little bit, so Charlie and Sam would know that this is the chance they are looking for. Dean goes first, gun in his hand and slowly creeps up behind one of the hunters.

He’s got the gun against the guy’s head before he even knows that Dean is there.

“What the-”

“Everybody relax.” Dean yells and suddenly it’s way too quiet. Dean grins at the other two hunters. Charlie has one of them as well with her gun, while Sam presses his knife into the last one’s neck.

“Who are you?” The angel looks confused.

Dean can finally take a look at him. He looks a bit smaller than Dean, dark hair but has probably the bluest eyes Dean had ever seen. He can’t help but stare for a moment, because this Castiel looks hot. Dean swallows.

At the same time, he doesn’t look really intimidating. Not like Dean had imagined. No he looks way too human and almost… cute.

“You’re an angel?” Dean asks him and Castiel’s eyes widen for a small second, before he nods. Suddenly he smiles widely and relaxes visibly in the chair. Dean doesn’t really understand what just happened.

“Yes. What are you doing here?” Castiel asks them and Dean focuses back on the hunters.

“We’re here to save your ass buddy.” Dean answers and then he clicks his gun, mostly just for the show, he wouldn’t hurt the hunters - but they don’t know that.

“Winchester.” Dean recognizes the guy Sam has in front of him as Gordon Walker. When Dean had been younger, he had often hunted with him. Gordon had always been an asshole, way too possessed to kill monsters.

“Hello Gordon. Care to tell me what the little Angel did to you?” Dean asks as sweetly as he can. Castiel - to his surprise - doesn’t look worried at all. No, he’s still smiling at Dean, looking a bit fascinated.

“He’s a monster and you know how much I enjoy killing a little monster.” Gordon says and Dean knows exactly what he means by that.

“I’m sure we can all talk about this.” Sam says and Dean doesn’t like that he is the one who is behind Gordon. Dean knows exactly what kind of bitch Gordon can be if he wants to. He’s dangerous.

“Maybe we don’t want to talk.” Gordon answers and the smile on his face turns even more ugly. Dean hopes his face isn’t showing his worries about Sam, but Gordon knows that probably anyway.

“This is ridiculous. He’s an angel not a monster.” Dean says, but his laugh sounds fake even to his own ears. The guy he is holding is still quiet, Dean grabs him a bit tighter. Nothing happened but he still feels like they’re losing control of this.

“But you are one, right? The guy without a soulmate.” Gordon grins and Dean hates his father even more for actually going around and telling other people. Gordon had always loved to point that out.

“The fuck?” The guy in front of Charlie says and Gordon nods, not even caring that Sam is still holding a knife to his neck.

“Yeah his dear Daddy told me. He’s only good for killing monsters, but apparently he even stopped doing that.” Gordon says and that’s it. Dean takes a step forward, gripping the guy in front of him at the collar, before holding the gun towards Gordon.

Apparently that’s exactly what Gordon wanted.

Suddenly everything goes so fast. The guy in front of Dean is stepping on his left foot and Dean stumbles, his gunshot only hitting the wall behind Gordon and Sam. And Sam…

Dean’s heart stops.

Gordon must have a knife on his own, because there in Sam’s stomach is a knife and there is so much blood already. Dean gasps and he can hear a ringing in his ears, when Sam slowly falls to the ground, Dean falls to his knees.

Sammy.

Dean doesn’t register the bright light around them or the noise. He just sees how Sammy falls again and again. Dean isn’t sure if someone killed him as well, but he doesn’t even care.

Dean only knows three things.

He got Sammy dead. He’s a monster.

And the worst of it all.

John had been right.

“Dean?”

Dean looks up into blue concerned eyes. The angel is leaning over him and apparently he is worried. Dean can’t say anything, he just stares at Castiel and then he tears up. Castiel looks sad himself.

“Sammy?”

“I’m sorry but your brother didn’t make it.” Castiel says and he slowly helps Dean up again. Dean swallows dryly and then looks towards his brother. Sam is still laying there, but so are the other three hunters.

Charlie sits next to Sam, holding his hand.

“Fuck.” Dean whispers and he feels so cold. He knew that bringing Sammy here was a bad idea, but this was clearly his fault.

“I took care of the others. My grace protected you and your friend.” Castiel says slowly and Dean looks at him again. He can feel the fury and rage in himself, starting to grow hotter and hotter.

“Why didn’t you do that sooner?! I lost my brother for this!” Dean growls out and then he pushes Castiel away. He doesn’t even see how hurt the brother looks. He also ignores that Charlie is yelling something to him.

“Bring him back!” Dean yells at the angel, because surely they can do something like that. But Castiel looks guilty.

“I can’t. I’m sorry.” Castiel says and at least it sounds like he’s really disappointed in himself. Dean wants to go over and lay down next to Sam.

But he stops.

“Take care of the angel and don’t you dare burn Sam’s body.” Dean says and again ignores anything Charlie says.

He doesn’t stop again, but instead finds Baby and drives away. He doesn’t listen to music on his car ride and he doesn’t even cry. He can’t. He has a mission. When he finally finds the location he’d been looking for, he stops the car and slowly walks the last few steps, before he starts digging.

He would bring Sammy back.

*

It’s dark when Dean comes back to the bunker, but clearly everyone is still up. Dean sees that there are new monsters at the bunker. There’s a mermaid or siren sitting in a huge tank and even a fairy waves at him.

Dean doesn’t care.

“Charlie?”

He finally finds her in the library. She’s sitting on one of the chairs, with Castiel sitting right next to her. The angel looks sad himself, but Dean doesn’t really have time for that.

“What did you do?” Charlie asks and she sounds even more angry than she looks. Dean grabs himself her glass and is satisfied when it turns out to be their good whiskey. He empties the glass, while Charlie’s frown gets worse.

“Sold my soul.” Dean says and it’s Castiel who gasps loudly.

“Dean no!” Castiel says, but Dean only frowns at that behaviour. He doesn’t even know the guy yet.

“Are you really that stupid?” Charlie says, but it seems like she had suspected something like that. She’s more disappointed than anything. Dean shrugs.

_

“Oh the glorious Dean Winchester, if that isn’t a surprise.” the Demon says, while he walks around Dean like a shark. Dean growls quietly.

“Yeah let’s not do this whole shitty chatty talk. I’m here to sell my soul. Could we get on with that?” Dean asks and he can’t help but be annoyed. This is his only hope to get Sammy back.

“What a kind offer. But I’m not sure if I should take it.” The demon licks over his lips and Dean shudders.

“Please, I’m begging you.” Dean whispers. Sam has a soulmate, he deserves to meet her. Nobody would miss Dean. He would never get a soulmate anyway and Sam could live the life he always wanted.

It’s better this way.

“Hmm I don’t know.” The Demon is still laughing and Dean can’t help but fall to his knees. He wishes with everything that he’s got, that Sam would be allowed to live again. It seems like even the demon takes pity on him.

Dean doesn’t care.

“Please, please take my soul. I deserve it.” Dean whispers quietly into the night. For a long moment it’s quiet and Dean almost thinks the demon left him alone.

“Okay then come and give me a kiss.”

Dean gets slowly up and kinda wishes his first kiss with a man wouldn't be with a demon. For some reason he thinks of blue eyes, while he closes his own and kisses the demon.

“You got twelve hours, then I’m coming for you.”

-

“Sam deserves to live. He has a new soulmate waiting for him.” Dean says and Castiel looks so confused at that. They probably don’t have soulmates in heaven. Must be nice to be an angel.

“Dean, but we need you here. And… you can’t just die. Dean, please!” Charlie says, but Dean just shakes his head again.

“I’m just here to say goodbye. I want you and Benny to lead this whole thing. You’ll do good, I know that. You will be fine without me.” Dean says, but Charlie doesn’t want to hear anything about it.

Maybe Dean should write it down for Benny.

Charlie gets up and Dean squeezes his eyes shut. He doesn’t want to talk about it, but when he opens his eyes, he’s confused to see how calm Charlie looks. Castiel on the other side looks devastated.

Maybe he feels guilty because he couldn’t help Dean and bring Sam back to life?

“How long?” Charlie asks.

“Twelve hours.” Dean isn’t good with affection, he’d never learned to handle it, so he turns around and leaves them to spend the last hours in his room alone. He would probably break down crying if Charlie would touch him now.

“Sorry.” Dean mumbles to no one but himself. And he doesn’t even mean it.

Dean’s not sure what’s worse.

*

Dean groans. Somehow he’d thought being dead would feel different. Well he had mostly thought and maybe even hoped that he couldn’t feel a damn thing. But right now the grief about Sam still cuts deep into his chest, but also his left shoulder hurts like hell.

Speaking of hell, why is it so bright in here?

“Dean?”

Dean opens his eyes and to his own surprise he can see trees above him. He even feels the wind on his face and that is kinda weird.

“Do you remember me Dean?”

Dean’s eyes snap back and he sees that someone is leaning over him. Bright blue eyes, like an angel, Dean thinks and then he groans. Oh my god, it’s Castiel. So actually, yeah an angel. Dean winces.

“Cas.”

Castiel’s smile is so wide that Dean almost smiles with him. Castiel looks so good like that and Dean wants to reach up and touch his face, then he shakes his head and sits slowly up. His whole body aches.

“Slowly.” Castiel says and he puts one of his hands on Dean’s back to steady him a bit. Dean looks around. They’re in a forest, everything looks so calm around them.

“What happened?” Dean says and he can’t help but yawn. He’s exhausted. Castiel holds up a bottle with cold water and Dean takes it. God, when was the last time he had something to drink?

“I saved you from hell.” Castiel says and Dean promptly chokes on the water. That was not what he had planned.

“The fuck?” Dean growls out and Castiel holds both of his hands up to show that he meant no harm. The damn angel better explain himself.

“It did not break your deal, Dean. Sam woke up the second I saw how life left you. He’s fine and back at the bunker with your other friends.” Castiel says and Dean isn’t sure if he’s understanding all of this.

“And why did you save me?” Dean asks quietly.

“Because you deserve to be saved and so much more.” Castiel says and he tilts his head to one side. Dean doesn’t even realize that he’s licking over his own lips. The angel seems like a really strange guy.

“Okay well then let’s go.” Dean says and he slowly sits up.

“I feel like we should talk about something else first.” Castiel says and he starts to roll the sleeve up from the weird trench coat he is still wearing. Dean scratches his shoulder and looks down where his jacket is ripped.

“What the hell is this?” Dean growls, when he finally sees his shoulder. There is a huge handprint on it, as if someone burned him pretty good there. It hurts like that as well. Castiel is smiling and even strokes over it.

“It’s my mark, beautiful right?” Castiel asks, but Dean slaps his hand away. The touching did sooth the pain, but Dean feels like this is a bad joke.

“You marked me? The actual fuck. Make it go away!” Dean says and he rubs over his skin, but to his horror the hand print stays. Castiel looks taken aback and he also looks… well almost hurt.

“But Dean, I thought you always wanted a mark? Charlie had explained that to me as well.” Castiel asks and he tilts his head to one side. Like he is trying to solve a riddle. As if Dean is the riddle.

“I wanted a damn soulmark, not this! Now I won’t even get a damn date with this. I will be forever alone because of you!” Dean yells and then he shoves Castiel aside. Dammit, he would never want to take off his shirt again. Marked. By a damn angel.

Could life get him a fucking break maybe?

“My car is waiting over there.” Castiel says and he sounds as if he would like to be anywhere but with Dean.

“You mean that ugly pimp mobile?” Dean asks and now the look he gets almost sends him back to hell on the spot. Dean shrugs apologetically, but the angel is rolling his eyes. Dean didn’t know angels could be sassy.

They both get in the car and Dean is actually glad that he doesn’t have to drive himself. His whole body still aches and he could go for a nap. But the mark on his shoulder is throbbing and he can’t relax. Maybe Charlie would find a way to erase it.

“So you got me out of hell.” Dean says, because there isn’t even music on and this would be a very awkward car ride.

“Yes.”

“Ah come on Cas, don’t be so sad because I don’t like your car.” Dean says and he tries to go for an easy smile, but Castiel shakes his head.

“How would you feel if I would insult your car? It’s not like I wished for this car, I got what I got.” Castiel says and he still sounds so angry. Dean isn’t even sure if they are talking about the same thing here.

Besides, nobody thinks that Baby is an ugly car.

“Sorry man.” Dean says and he even sulks a bit. He had thought that angels would be really nice beings, that’s why he saved Castiel in the first place.

“Forget it. We can just pretend that all of this didn’t happen. I’ve been alone for most of my life and I didn’t think it would change anyway. It’s unheard of.” Castiel says and then he concentrates back on the street.

Dean frowns.

“We don’t have to pretend that we never met. I saved you for a reason and you did save me out of hell. So how long have I been gone?” Dean asks and Castiel relaxes a bit in the seat.

Had he thought that Dean would send him away?

“Six months. It took me a long time to find your soul, even though it’s the brightest soul I’ve ever seen.” Castiel says and Dean looks out of his window in case he blushes.

He’d never thought about what his soul would look like, but thinking about it now, he would’ve guessed that it was only a dull grey or maybe even black because of his whole soulmate thing.

“Fuck six months. So Sammy’s still… at the bunker huh?” Dean asks and he hopes Castiel understands that he wants to change the subject. He’d always been bad with compliments and most of his friends know that.

“Yeah he is. We do have some more people there. Uhm your brother found a witch that he brought back. Her name is Rowena and sometimes she makes jokes about my butt.” Castiel says and he actually shudders a bit.

Dean snickers.

Castiel is really a weird guy, but Dean is sure that they could be great friends. It had started similar to Garth and Benny and maybe angels could even be funny.

“Well she sounds like fun, even though I’m not really a fan of witches. Or shapeshifters. But I met a few nice ones. I’m glad you all continued the job, when I died.” Dean says and it feels weird to say something like that.

He doesn’t really remember his death, nor does he remember hell, but maybe Castiel deleted his memories.

“Your brother was devastated when you died and I think he’s still angry at you for selling your soul, but he wanted to continue what you started. He believes we all deserve a second chance.” Castiel says and Dean likes the soft smile on his face.

He knows Sam will probably punch him for selling his soul, but it was worth it.

“Well I don’t think an angel like you could ever do something wrong.” Dean says and Castiel snorts at that. That seems a bit weird.

“Oh you’d be surprised. My brothers and sisters actually sold me to the hunters to get rid of me.” Castiel says and Dean’s eyes widen. That sounds so damn horrible, that he doesn’t even know what to say.

“Shit.” Dean mumbles. It’s not that he believes that Castiel is actually a monster, but he knows it hurts most if someone you consider family sells you out.

“It’s okay. It’s better that they believe that I’m dead.” Castiel says and Dean almost puts his hand on Castiel’s arm. He feels like he should, but he doesn’t dare to. Castiel sends him another sad smile.

“I’m sorry. What did you do, stole some other angel's halo?” Dean says and he tries to go for a joke. Castiel’s laugh sounds bitter.

“Not really. We do have wings - which you can’t see unless I let you, but we don’t have halos. Even though I imagine they would be nice.” Castiel says and Dean can’t help but hope that Castiel would show him his wings some time.

Dean imagines them as pretty beautiful. He hopes he’s right.

“It was about my soulmate.” Castiel says and Dean knows his heart beats a bit faster at that. He never met someone else who had trouble with soulmates. While he knows that he should never wish someone the same pain, he also feels a bit relieved.

“You don’t have an angel soulmate?” Dean asks and Castiel nods. He seems rather sad and this time Dean reaches out and puts his hand on Castiel’s arm. His shoulder throbs again, but this time it feels better.

“I’m sorry. I know it would be easier if you had one, but hey not everything is bad here on earth and I’m sure you can be happy on your own. I always try to do that as well.” Dean says and the last part is a lie.

But he also doesn’t want to see Castiel hurt.

“Well I do like the burgers here and after saving you my grace is almost empty, which means I need food and sleep.” Castiel says and Dean frowns at that. It doesn’t sound good, Charlie had told him beforehand that angels named their power grace and it made them strong.

Now Castiel is vulnerable, because he had to save Dean.

“Burgers, huh? A man after my heart. I know a good place.” Dean says and Castiel actually seems excited. The smile Dean sees could brighten up any room.

Dean feels himself wishing that Castiel would be his soulmate.

He’s not surprised he doesn’t deserve anyone like him, but he likes to dream.

Maybe they could be good friends.

*

“Guys, dinner is ready!” Dean yells through the bunker. It’s been two months since he’s back and he has to say things are actually good right now.

Well okay, after he had to listen to Sam yelling at him for the deal for a few hours. Sam had been angry and didn’t speak to him for a whole day, before he had hugged him for a few long minutes. Dean’s sure he’d never been more relieved. So the following yelling felt like he deserved it.

But Benny had been angry as well. Not to start with Charlie and even Garth had been so sad, but they all had come around and Dean had been sorry to leave them behind like that.

He hadn’t known that they actually considered him to be family. He feels like this is more of a family than he ever had with John. It makes Dean smile even on bad days.

“I hope it’s something else than your greasy Winchester special.” Charlie says, when she walks into the kitchen. She looks exhausted, her latest hunt had been rather hard on her.

And yes they still call it hunts.

“You didn’t have to hear Sam’s complaints the last time.” Dean says and puts a few more plates on the table. Sam who’s already sitting at the table, reading a newspaper, huffs loudly.

Dean has a family or morons.

“Hello Dean.” Castiel says, when he steps into the kitchen. He is still eating, which worries Dean probably more than it should, but the angel always talks so happily about human food. Claire is with him, she had been on the hunt with Charlie.

Benny comes in behind Castiel and rolls his eyes, when he sees how Dean looks at Castiel, when the angel isn’t looking.

The vampire had told him more than once by now, that he should make a move.

“Hello dears.” Rowena is the last one to enter the kitchen today. Garth is on a small vacation with his family, after his wife gave birth to twins. Dean had been thrilled to hold the kids in his arms, until Garth had the nerve to tell him they named them Castiel and Sam.

“I made burgers.” Dean says happily, when they all sit down at the table. He’s rather glad when he sees that he will sit at the top of the table next to Castiel and Charlie.

“I always love your burgers.” Castiel says and Dean smiles at him. It’s one of the main reasons that he made them tonight. Dean looks up again and then glares at Sam, who makes a kissy face.

Claire is even less subtle.

“You’re so damn smitten.” Claire says and Dean hopes he isn’t blushing in front of his stupid friends, when they all start laughing. Had he just thought a family is a nice thing? Pah, they’re all idiots.

“Shut up.” Dean says and he sees how Castiel looks down at his hands. He seems rather uncomfortable and Dean swallows his disappointment down. Whenever he had tried to flirt with the angel, Castiel always had the same look.

Seems like he really doesn’t like Dean that way.

It makes sense if all his brothers and sisters in heaven have angel soulmates and he doesn’t. Why would he want a dirty human then?

“I can see why he’s so in love with the angel.” Rowena says and she winks at Dean, who almost lets the plates with burgers fall. Sure Dean is crushing, but in love? Dean had never been in love.

He’s not sure what it feels like. And… you only fall fast in love with your soulmate. Or is that a general thing? Dean swallows loudly.

“Uh…” Dean says, but Castiel just gets up and leaves the kitchen without another word. Dean looks after him, feeling as if he just stepped on his heart. Maybe he really is falling in love with him.

Dean sits down and hands out the plate with burgers, he’s not feeling hungry anymore. Rowena looks really sad.

“I’m sorry dear, that was not my intention.” Rowena says and Dean knows that. Rowena is actually the nicest witch he’d ever met and she seems to like him as well. She even let him touch her hair once.

“It’s okay. I know he doesn’t see me like that.” Dean whispers quietly and Charlie puts her hand on his for a moment. Dean shakes his head and then bites into his burger. Trying to forget about what just happened.

It’s been a lot like that. Each time Dean had thought that maybe Castiel would like him back, the angel had backed away. Once he’d even been gone for a whole week. Dean had missed him a lot during that time, but stayed quiet.

Castiel had told him that he could pray to him, but Dean hadn’t dared that. He doesn’t want to send prayers to him, only to get rejected again.

It’s the first time this happened in front of all of his friends though.

“He’ll come around.” Sam says, but Dean doesn’t believe him. The dinner is rather quiet after that, everyone is just eating their burgers. Even Rowena and Sam are not complaining that Dean forgot to make a salad for them.

When Dean is alone in the kitchen again, he takes the last burger and puts it on a new plate. Maybe Castiel doesn’t want to see him, but he still needs to eat, so Dean puts the plate in front of Castiel’s room and knocks on it,

“Cas, I’m sorry. If you’re hungry, we left something for you.” Dean says, but as expected he doesn’t even get an answer. He just hopes that Castiel would at least still take his food. He needs his powers.

Dean sighs and walks up the stairs and out of the bunker to sit down in the cold grass. It’s still so weird to be back on earth, but Dean enjoys those quiet moments the most.

Sometimes he can’t help but daydream that maybe one day, he wouldn’t be sitting here alone anymore.

Dean imagines someone next to him, who he could lean against. Dean shudders. It feels as if he’s wrapped into wings.

Dean feels safe.

*

“Shouldn’t they be back by now?” Dean says and he can’t help but feel so nervous. Sam is out on a hunt with Jody and they wanted to be back almost three hours ago. They went out to free a demon they had met a few years ago.

Dean remembers how the demon had helped some kids, so he feels like Meg deserves another chance.

“I’m sure they’ll be here any minute.” Charlie says, from where she’s sitting. She’s reading a book about witches and spells that Rowena had given her. Sometimes Dean wonders if Rowena and Charlie are more than friends.

“You said that an hour ago too.” Dean pouts, but he can’t help but worry. He’d always been scared, when he didn’t know where Sam was.

“You’re just eager to see your Mom.” Charlie says and she grins. A few years ago something like that would’ve hurt Dean, but Charlie is right. Jody is kinda like a mom to Dean and he is actually excited to see her again.

Jody gives the best hugs and makes the best pie.

Castiel had been gone since the other night at dinner as well. Dean hopes that maybe he will also come back soon.

Finally the door to the bunker opens and Sam steps in. He doesn’t look hurt and Dean takes a deep breath. That’s a good sign. Sam is talking to someone and Dean is a bit surprised when it’s not Jody.

His adoptive Mom is right behind him, but Sam is talking to another young woman. She looks cute, a lot shorter than Sam.

“Sammy, Mom.” Dean says and Jody is the first who walks down the steps. Dean is already waiting for his hug, cuddling right into her. He had really missed her, but he knows her life is busy, too.

“I missed you too.” Jody says and kisses the top of his head, even though Dean is a lot taller than her.

“Who’s our new friend?” Dean asks, because it can’t be Meg. He knows Meg’s “meatsuit” - and damn they need a new name for that - and she’s supposed to be with Alex first, who wants to make sure she’s alright.

The hunters probably did a lot of damage.

“That’s Eileen. She’s…” Jody stops herself then and Dean knows what that means. They all try to be respectful to Dean by not often talking about true mates, but Dean knows the look.

“Sammy’s soulmate.” Dean whispers and Jody nods. Eileen. Dean’s heart aches, but he also feels incredibly happy. He’s happy for Sam. He had hoped his brother would meet his soulmate soon enough.

“She is so cool.” Jody squeals then and Dean has to laugh. Well Sammy deserves a cool girl and she does look like she can take Sam’s shit. Dean frowns when he sees how they’re talking.

“Dean, this is Eileen.” Sam says when they both come downstairs from the balcony. Dean waves at Eileen. He doesn’t know any sign language and could kick his own ass for it, but he does look right at her while she talks.

“Welcome to our home Eileen. I’m Sam’s older brother, Dean.” Dean says and he hopes she can read lips. He would look up a few signs later.

“Hiya Dean. I can say I already like it here.” Eileen says and she points at the guns that Dean had been cleaning on the table. Dean has to laugh. Damn he likes her already.

“She was actually trying to kill Meg.” Sam says and Dean snorts at that. It sounds like a great story already to tell their kids. Dean can’t wait to be an uncle.

“Sorry.” Eileen says and Dean grins at her.

“I once almost killed her too. She talks too much.” Dean answers easily and Eileen winks at him. Oh they would probably be good friends. Dean is relieved. He’d always been sad that he was never allowed to meet Jess.

He’s just glad that Sam is back in his life and this time he could watch his brother fall in love.

“So I called the girls earlier and we thought since we got a reason to celebrate we would make a bonfire later and eat outside. It’s been a long time since we did that.” Jody says from where she’s standing by Charlie now.

“Hell yes! I’ll get us marshmallows.” Charlie says and runs towards the kitchen. Dean knows he should follow her, before his poor kitchen looks like a battlefield, because Charlie is never gentle with his kitchen utensils.

“I’ll go help her. We could do a barbeque if you want.” Dean answers and when everyone agrees, he walks towards the kitchen as well.

It takes him a few hours, but just as the sun sets, Dean has everything he needs outside. Luckily Benny had helped him to carry out a few benches so they could all sit around the bonfire.

“You got everything?” Benny asks and Dean nods. He even made three different kinds of salads, but Charlie did help him with it all.

“Yeah I think we should finally eat.” Dean says loudly and he can hear them all cheering. Dean can’t help but smile. Everyone seems to be here right now, besides Garth and Bobby, but Dean would call them later.

Everyone had accepted Eileen and Meg easily into their group and he can see that Meg is already sitting with Rowena and Charlie. That could only mean chaos, but Dean shrugs. Not his problem.

Jody is actually sitting on Donna’s lap, with Claire and her girlfriend - and soulmate - Kaia next to them, while Alex is talking to Benny about his ankle. He’d gotten hurt a few weeks ago, but it should be healed by now.

Dean sees that Eileen sits very close to Sam and he smirks at her. She smirks right back. Yepp, he couldn’t ask for a better sister-in-law, he knows it.

Dean takes some of the food for himself, along with a few marshmallows he would hold over the fire later and sits down on the last bench on his own. Normally he doesn’t mind to sit alone, today it does feel a bit sad.

He obviously knows that some of them haven't found their soulmate yet either. Alex or Meg for example, but he knows their marks. It probably wouldn’t be too long. At least they have some.

Dean looks up to the full moon and sighs. He wishes he could cuddle into someone right now as well.

“Hello Dean.”

Dean almost throws his plate away, when suddenly someone sits next to him. Castiel would for sure give him a heart attack one of these days.

“Cas, the fuck. I almost threw away my food.” Dean says, but then he can’t help but smile. Castiel looks a bit embarrassed, but at least he is smiling himself.

For a moment they are just looking at each other and everything in Dean screams to lean forward and kiss the angel, but then Castiel looks away. He tries to swallow his disappointment, but he knows that Castiel is not interested.

“Jody called me and said Sam found his soulmate.” Castiel says then and Dean nods. Castiel looks happy to see those two and Dean would introduce them later. Right now he wants to eat.

“Her name is Eileen and she’s awesome.” Dean says between bites and Castiel nods. It already feels better not to sit here on his own.

“I do hope one day you find someone awesome too.” Castiel says and Dean is surprised by that. He swallows his first thoughts down with the last of his bread.

“Oh well. You know how I am about the whole soulmate thing.” Dean says, even though he thinks that kinda changes. He still wishes for a mark, but he does like the one Castiel gave him now.

It’s unique in his own way and Dean often falls asleep with his own hand pressed over it. His hand doesn’t really fit, but Dean had always been good at pretending.

“Yeah…” Castiel whispers and it gets quiet again. Dean relaxes, when Benny gets up and then puts some music on. Jody and Donna are already kissing and Dean grins at them. Like teenagers, those two.

“You want a marshmallow?” Dean asks, when those are the only things left on his plate. Castiel frowns at them.

“I don’t know. They look weird.” Castiel says and Dean has to laugh. God, he really likes when he can show Castiel something new. The angel doesn’t know a lot of human things.

“We gotta hold them over the fire. I promise they’re good.” Dean says and reaches for one of the sticks Benny had carried over before they started to eat. Castiel takes his own stick and follows Dean’s movements.

“This is interesting.” Castiel says, when he holds his marshmallow over the fire. Dean chuckles and sits back down. This time a lot closer to Castiel, who doesn’t seem to mind this time.

“Try them.” Dean says while he’s already eating his own marshmallow. It tastes fantastic, it’s been a long while since Dean last had some. They should do this way more often. Maybe Bobby would come next time, he has some great barbeque skills.

“Oh.” Castiel says after he bites into his marshmallow. Dean chuckles, when he sees the smile that forms on Castiel’s face. Seems like he does like them. Castiel hastily eats the rest of it and puts a new one on his stick.

“Told you.” Dean says happily. He makes himself another one as well, even though he already feels full.

They eat quietly together. Castiel hums around each mouthful of the marshmallow.

Dean is sure that it’s already after midnight by now. He can see that a few already left their little spot outside and he shivers himself. It’s rather cold out here, even though they’re in the middle of summer.

“Are you cold?” Castiel asks and he frowns. Dean nods, even though it feels like admitting a weakness. Castiel is probably never cold, his grace probably saving him.

“A bit.” Dean admits.

Just as Dean thinks about getting up and to bed himself, Castiel comes a bit closer. Dean’s eyes widen when Castiel puts his trench coat around Dean’s shoulders. The angel even puts an arm around him.

Dean’s heart basically jumps out of his chest.

This feels damn good and while Dean had never been one for cuddling, this feels somehow exactly right, too. Maybe he should say something, but Dean isn’t sure what he could say, besides thanking Castiel.

The angel smiles when Dean does so.

Dean shivers again, but then decides to just go for it and he leans his head against Castiel’s shoulder, closing his eyes.

He doesn’t even care who sees them like this. Dean feels secure at Castiel’s side and he hopes that this would happen again. Dean cuddles his face more into the trenchcoat. He feels at home like this.

Castiel’s arm is still tight around him, when he falls asleep right there.

Feeling better than his whole life.

*

It’s late when Dean comes back to the bunker. He’s not drunk, but almost there. It’s a nice feeling and Dean feels himself grinning at nothing. He had a great night, even though he didn’t go home with the girl.

But he’s sure her lipstick is still sticking to his own lips.

There is light in the library and Dean walks over there. He knows where Sam hides the good whiskey. Dean could use another sip, he doesn’t want to dream of blue eyes that turn him away again.

Dean thinks back to the night he fell asleep being cuddled by Castiel. It didn’t happen again. Castiel had been gone again after that night and when he came back, he tried his best to avoid Dean at all.

Worst turn down Dean had ever gotten.

So Dean had tried everything. He apologized, but Castiel didn’t even want to hear it. He had tried to find someone else - but let’s be honest. Nobody is quite like Castiel. So Dean’s back where he started.

Sure he has Sam back in his life and Dean is thankful for that. And he loves Eileen.

“Dean?”

Dean looks up, he has been deep in his thoughts and it seems like the alcohol slowly leaves his body again, because the happiness he had felt minutes ago, fades away.

Castiel is sitting in the library and reading some kind of book. Dean frowns at him, but he knows that Castiel doesn’t really need sleep. His grace is completely back. So it makes sense that he’s still awake when everyone else is sleeping.

“Sorry, I was out and uh drinking.” Dean says and he tries to go for a smile. Castiel frowns back at him and he seems rather disappointed.

“I can see that.” Castiel says, but he puts the book away. Dean growls quietly, somehow he always feels like he’s not good enough for the angel and like this it feels like the angel shares that feeling.

“Don’t pretend like you care.” Dean says and he almost apologies right on the spot, but he’s hurt.

“What makes you think, I don’t care?” Castiel says and he slowly gets up. The trench coat looks like a blanket around him. Dean misses the feeling of it around his shoulders.

“Oh please.” Dean mutters and he tries to step aside, so he can move past Castiel. Forget the whiskey, he should really go to bed and just forget about it.

Castiel stops him though. Dean wishes he could say he likes that Castiel holds him, but it’s almost painful how he applies pressure to his wrist.

“I don’t think you understand that actually I care way too much.” Castiel growls out and that makes Dean really stop. He swallows his first thoughts down, but still stares at Castiel with as much pride as he can.

“You have a funny way of showing that.” Dean mutters and pulls his hand free. Somewhere around them a door falls close, but neither of them look away. These staring matches seem to happen more often lately, but it never felt as angry as it does now.

“Excuse me? You were the one who pushed me away.” Castiel says now and Dean isn’t sure they’re both talking about the same thing.

“The fuck? I did not. You damn…” Dean says, but then Castiel takes a step forward and literally kisses him quietly. Dean happily shuts up at that and closes his eyes, enjoying how fierce Castiel is kissing him.

Castiel’s hands find Dean’s waist and he pulls him closer. Dean whines into the kiss and puts his own hands into Castiel’s hair, making it stand up even more. Dean opens his mouth, already feeling high,

Just when Dean thinks that he really needs to breathe, Castiel breaks the kiss.

He looks damn good like this. His hair is all over the place and his lips are red and swollen. Dean feels addicted and he probably looks similar.

“Shit I've wanted to do that for weeks.” Dean admits and then promptly blushes, because he sounds like a teenage boy with a huge crush. Castiel’s smile is beautiful.

“Me too.” Castiel says and then he takes Dean’s hand again. This time he’s careful and pulls Dean closer. Castiel sits back down on his chair and Dean hastily sits down on his lap, leaning down to kiss the angel again.

Dean had a lot of kisses in his life, but this feels more real. Almost as if there’s tiny sparks around them, each time their lips meet. Dean wants more.

Castiel puts his hand right over Dean’s mark when he kisses him again and Dean can’t hold back his moan. Somehow this is exactly what makes the kiss even better. Dean rubs up against Castiel, already half hard.

“W-wait.” Castiel says and Dean sits a bit back, so Castiel can get out of his trench coat. Dean really likes the damn old thing, but he helps Castiel to throw it on the ground.

“So good.” Castiel whispers, when Dean bucks up against him again. He had waited so long for this.

They’re both probably not ready for more. At least Dean doesn’t want to push his luck and scare the angel off or anything. So just as he leans back one more, breaking another kiss, he sees how Castiel had rolled the sleeves of his shirt up.

The black words on his arm rip Dean’s heart out.

“What?” Dean whispers

Castiel doesn’t seem to realize what he means at first. He looks surprised, but Dean can only look at his arm.

‘You’re an angel?’

“You didn’t tell me you had a damn soulmate!” Dean says and he finally gets up and closes his own flannel, he hadn’t even realized that Castiel had opened it. He feels like the biggest idiot.

“Dean - what?” Castiel says, but Dean doesn’t want to hear it. This hurts far more than any of the turndowns. This is the worst Castiel could’ve done.

“Fuck you. You are the worst!” Dean says and with that he turns around and runs the stairs back up. He’s glad that he still has Baby’s keys in his back pocket and he takes a shaky breath when the door falls close behind him.

Castiel had a soulmate and he had lied to Dean. He had said that he didn’t have a soulmate and Dean had hoped so badly for him.

Somehow it makes it worse, that Dean knows now how good Castiel kisses. How carefully he had held him. Dean squeezes his eyes shut and takes another deep breath.

At least Castiel isn’t following him.

So Dean finally gets into Baby and starts his car. He would need to sleep somewhere else. Bobby would for sure have some space for him. Now that he doesn’t need to hide from Sammy anymore, he could go there.

Dean only starts to cry when he’s been driving for three hours already.

But then he can’t seem to stop.

*

“Good morning Castiel.”

Castiel looks up to see Sam walking into the kitchen. Castiel had spent all night alone here, waiting for Dean to come back. Sure he could find him easily with his grace, but it seems like Dean doesn’t want to see him.

“Hello Sam.” Castiel says, but he can’t help but cough slightly. His voice is almost gone, because he’d prayed all night. Not that it had helped at all.

“Do you know where Dean went?” Sam asks and Castiel looks down at his lap. He doesn’t really know how to tell Sam that he had driven his brother away. Maybe Sam would kick him out.

“He left and it’s my fault.” Castiel says quietly. He wouldn’t lie to Sam and he feels like he deserves to lose this home and friends as well. It had been that way before, when his brothers sent him away from heaven.

Sam turns around from where he had stood at the counter, making himself some coffee. Castiel knows he’s restless, because Eileen left with Jody and Claire for their next hunt. Saving another werewolf.

“How so?” Sam asks, but he doesn’t sound angry yet.

“I uhm... may have kissed your brother.” Castiel says and even though technically his vessel can’t really blush, when Castiel doesn’t allow it, it still feels like the tips of his ears are burning.

Castiel had never really talked about feelings or anything. Nobody in heaven really does. You do have another angelic mate and you are responsible to create new angels, but there is nothing romantic or anything about it.

He had stopped to count the years he’d spent above the world, tucked into a few clouds, wishing for something the humans have. Love. Real and unashamed love.

When he’d been old enough Castiel had waited for his hand print. Somehow his mark turned out to be a few words instead. Castiel mostly remembers the disgusted faces of his siblings.

“Isn’t that good news?” Sam asks and he is smiling brightly. Castiel is a bit surprised by that, he and Sam hadn’t talked that much, but he likes him fair enough. To see Sam so supportive lets him breathe again.

“I thought so too, but then Dean saw my soulmark.” Castiel explains and he frowns. He’d thought that Dean would be thrilled. Maybe he did want a soulmate, but Dean had always talked so badly about that.

Castiel doesn’t know why he had hoped.

“You have a soulmark?” Sam asks and suddenly he seems a bit sad too. Castiel squeezes his eyes shut and puts his hand over the spot where Dean’s words are.

“Yeah… it’s an uncommon one. At least in heaven.” Castiel says and then he hears how Sam sits down next to him. Castiel opens his eyes and sees the soft smile on Sam’s face.

“Tell me.” Sam says and even though Castiel knows he doesn’t have to and Sam wouldn’t force him, but it feels good that someone would listen.

“Angels have angels as soulmates, it has been forever like this. You uh.. produce hatchlings and go on with your life. An angel soulmate is actually their hand print on a part of your body and you get it when you reach a certain age.” Castiel says and looks down again.

He’d never been ashamed of his different mark, but it still overwhelms him sometimes.

“And you don’t have a handprint?” Sam guesses and Castiel nods.

Castiel slowly gets up and gets out of the trench coat. He carefully folds it over the chair and then rolls his sleeve up. The words look beautiful against his skin.

“I don’t know why, but I got words on my arm just like you humans do.” Castiel says, when Sam can only stare at it.

“You think it’s Dean.” Sam says, when Castiel pulls his sleeves back down. Castiel nods and then sits back down.

“I know it’s Dean. He said those words to me, when I first saw him. I remember that feeling very well and through my grace, I could feel it. When I saved Dean out of hell, I left my handprint behind. It’s on his arm.” Castiel says and he smiles, when Sam carefully pushes the coffee over to him.

Maybe Castiel really needs it more than him, even though it would do nothing for him.

“I don’t feel like I understand.” Sam admits and Castiel smiles. He feels like he’s missing something either.

“Dean saw my mark and left. He told me before that he hates the concept of soulmates and that he’s been lonely. I think he thought I didn’t have a soulmate and that’s the only reason he actually wanted to copulate with me.” Castiel says and he can’t help but sound so frustrated.

That’s why he’d always escaped Dean’s flirting. He wanted to be more than just a fling, he wanted to be loved because of his being, not because he didn’t have a soulmate or a different mark.

Sam sighs.

“Dean thought his whole life he didn’t have a soulmate and it destroyed him. Our dad he was… he said horrible things to Dean and made comments about how Dean deserved no love in his life.” Sam stops himself, grimacing.

“Your dad sounds like an assbutt.” Castiel says and Sam smiles, but it looks sad.

“Yeah he was. What I want to say is that maybe Dean had been thrilled to find someone who he thought was like him. Maybe he’d fallen in love with the idea of having found someone without a mark. But I believe it’s a little bit more. He really likes you, I’ve never seen him like this.” Sam explains, but Castiel shakes his head.

“He said to me he hates my mark, that I ruined his life with it.” Castiel says and he gets up. He hadn’t thought that a heartbreak would hurt him more than any broken bone ever could.

Sam frowns.

“What are you doing?” Sam gets up as well, when Castiel is already at the kitchen door. He hadn’t even touched his coffee.

“Back to heaven. My siblings tried to kill me before, because it’s forbidden to have a human as your soulmate. It would only end up creating a nephilim and even though Dean and I can’t conceive a child, they’re still out for me.” Castiel explains slowly.

“Then why would you want to go back?” Sam asks but Castiel doesn’t even turn around.

“Maybe it’s better.”

“What Cas - no!”

But then he’s already gone.

*

Dean’s in his bed, trying not to bury his face into the pillow until he can't breathe anymore, when Bobby opens his door. Dean growls, when he sees that Bobby is holding a phone.

“It’s Sam.” Bobby says and Dean rolls his eyes.

“I told you, I don’t wanna talk to anyone right now.” Dean says, but he knows he has lost this battle already.

“Do I look like I care, princess? Your angel is dying.” Bobby says and throws the phone on Dean’s stomach, who hastily sits up when he hears that. He almost lets the phone fall to the ground and Bobby shakes his head, when he leaves the room.

“Sam, where’s Cas?” Dean asks and he’s already getting into his shoes.

“On his way back to heaven. They’ll kill him Dean! He told me about your kiss and he’s hurt, Dean. How could you hurt him like this?” Sam wants to know and Dean swallows.

“He… Sam, he has a soulmate.” Dean whispers and the words hurt more than he thought they would. Dean isn’t even gone for two days, but his shoulder hurts like a bitch too, right where Castiel marked him.

Dean’s not sure that this is only his imagination.

“Okay I get it. I do think you two should talk about that and he should explain it to you, but you are an idiot, I can already tell you that and now do something, that he comes back Dean. He told me he will walk into his own death, just so you can be free!” Sam says and Dean isn’t sure he understands what his brother is saying.

“And how should I do that?” Dean asks, when Sam groans.

“He’s an angel, so pray to him and do it now! We don’t have time, Dean! I’ll see if I can ask Rowena for help or anything, but call me if you have news!” Sam says and with that he’s already hanging up. Dean looks dumbly at the phone for a minute.

Praying. Pah.

Dean walks around his old room for a total of three times before he awkwardly clasps his hands and talks quietly to himself. And hopefully to Castiel.

“Dear uh Castiel in heaven? Can you please come down here and talk to me? I’m at Bobby Singer’s.” Dean mumbles but nothing really happens. Dean feels the panic deep in his stomach now.

Maybe Cas is already dead?

For a moment he just stands there and then he carefully kneels down. This time he clasps his hands tighter and closes his eyes. He does feel the need to speak out loud though.

“Cas, please. Come back, I… need you Cas, please don’t do this. I don’t think… I can do this without you. I need you.” Dean whispers and he can feel how the first tears well up.

Yeah he’d been hurt, but that doesn’t mean that he wanted Castiel to be in pain or die. He’d even take him as a friend, just to have him in his life. Dean knew that running away is something cowards do, but it had felt as if someone had ripped his heart out.

There’s a soft whistle around him and Dean opens his eyes.

Castiel stands in his room, looking rather confused and the first tear in Dean’s eyes spills over.

“Cas.” Dean whispers.

“Dean, what are you doing?” Castiel asks and Dean slowly gets up again. He feels silly about praying, but it seems like it worked. Castiel tilts his head to one side.

“You can’t go back to heaven, are you out of your mind?” Dean asks and he hastily steps closer, holding his hands out and he’s relieved when Castiel holds his hands. Maybe they could be friends.

Or be together until Castiel finds his soulmate.

“I wanted to set you free. So you can date anyone you want.” Castiel says slowly and this time Dean feels like he’s the confused one.

“What? Why would I want that?” Dean asks. Had he said something to Castiel like that? Dean isn’t sure. Maybe when they first met, but obviously that had changed a lot since then.

“Because you don’t like me as your soulmate. You only kissed me because you thought I didn't have one, even though I obviously claimed you.” Castiel says and one hand strokes now over Dean’s burned mark on his arms.

Dean’s knees buckle for a few reasons.

“But I… I asked you about your soulmate. You said you didn’t have one.” Dean whispers and he’s afraid of that answer. Castiel deserves only the best person on earth. Dean isn’t even on the list of good people.

But Dean is glad that they’re talking right now. He hates talking about his feelings, but he knows this is important. He doesn’t want to lose Castiel.

“You asked me if I had an angel soulmate. But obviously I don’t.” Castiel says and he smiles at Dean, who shyly looks back at him.

“What does that mean?” Dean wants to know and Castiel’s smile turns so much softer. It feels like this smile is only for Dean to see. They’re both staring again.

“You were the one who spoke the words on my arm. Only humans have soulmarks that are actual words. Angels have handprints as their marks, besides me. I was always meant to be yours.” Castiel says and Dean can’t believe what he’s hearing.

“You’re my soulmate.” Dean whispers and Castiel nods.

“I’m sorry.” Castiel really sounds like he’s sorry. Dean shakes his head, holding Castiel’s hands again, he feels like his heart is gonna burst out of his chest.

“No. Don’t be. I… Cas I love you. God, I fell so hard for you and I thought you didn’t want me. You denied every flirt attempt and I thought you had someone different waiting out there for you.” Dean whispers and god is it hard to talk about your feelings.

Castiel’s eyes turn soft.

“There is no one I’d rather have in my arms than you.” Castiel says and Dean just knows that his whole face is bright red, he can feel the heat in his cheeks, but he really doesn’t care.

His whole life he’d thought that he would end up alone. That he doesn’t deserve a soulmate and that he was alone with that. He’d never even dared to really dream of something like that.

Dean doesn’t answer this time but pulls Castiel closer and kisses him. It’s not even been a long time, but he had already missed that feeling so badly. Castiel’s hand finds his shoulder again and Dean gasps.

His angel had marked him. It shouldn’t be as hot as it is.

“Never do something stupid like that again. Sam told me the angels would have killed you.” Dean says, when he breaks the kiss. At least Castiel looks a tiny bit guilty.

“I wanted you to be able to find the love you wanted. I thought you hated the idea of soulmates.” Castiel says and Dean hugs him close, pressing his cheek against Castiel’s shoulder.

“I fell in love with you before I knew you were my soulmate. I’ve always been alone, that’s why I hated soulmates, but I wished for one every night.” Dean whispers and he knows Castiel wouldn’t laugh at him.

Not about something like this.

“You’ll never be alone now. And for the record, I’ve been falling very hard for you as well.” Castiel answers and he presses a shy kiss to Dean’s head. They stay like this for a while and Dean knows he would protect Castiel from heaven. Nobody would tell them this is wrong.
Not when it feels so good. So right.

“We should probably call Sammy.” Dean says and he chuckles, because his brother is surely having a heart attack by now, but it seems like Castiel has a different idea.

The world around them turns black for a second and then they’re back at the bunker. Dean smiles, even though he feels like puking. Seems like flying with angels doesn’t seem to be one of his favorite activities.

“Sorry I heard it takes time to get used to it.” Castiel says, when he sees that Dean makes a face. Dean smiles and thinks that they’d probably do it more often. He doesn’t mind that, as long as he can be with Cas.

Dean groans. When did he turn into such a lovesick idiot?

“Sam!” Dean yells and walks towards the war room. More often than enough Sam is sitting at their huge table looking through old books, nobody cares about.

“Oh thank god, you found him.” Sam actually sounds relieved. Dean nods, but he stays at Castiel's side and he grins a bit ashamed, when Castiel takes his hand in his own. Sam rolls his eyes.

“I already sent the girls out to search for Cas, but it seems like I should text them to come back. And for the record, I’m happy for you. But also…” Sam stops himself and then punches Dean against his shoulder.

“... I feel like I told you so. Just took your soulmate a little bit to show up.” Sam says and Dean knows the smile is real.

“Yeah, I feel like… it will be worth the wait.” Dean says and he shyly looks back to the angel who is smiling as well. Soulmates are always meant to be together and Dean knows part of the attraction is because of that, but he is just relieved to have such a kind and beautiful soulmate.

“Do I get to see your mark?” Sam asks and Dean rolls his eyes. If he’d wear a t-shirt it would poke out a bit, but otherwise he doesn’t really feel like sharing.

“Nah, that’s… I don’t know. Personal.” Dean answers and he doesn’t even know it feels that way, but Sam nods.

“I get it. Even though I showed you mine.” Sam says but he is smiling through the fake pout he’s trying to create. He looks genuinely happy for Dean and Dean wishes his Dad could see them right now.

He’d probably be angry that Castiel is a guy and a ‘creature’, but Dean feels like he really couldn’t be happier about the universe’s choice.
“I feel like you should excuse us now. We just wanted to let you know that we’re fine.” Dean says and Sam fake gags.

Dean winks at Sam and then walks with Castiel towards his room. He feels dizzy with happiness and he wonders if it’s always like that. Sam had certainly looked like that both when he’d met Jess and Eileen.

“I feel so happy.” Dean whispers and Castiel kisses him, right against his door. Dean happily kisses back, letting Castiel lead.

“I’m very happy too.” Castiel says and Dean opens his door. They both stumble in together and Dean is almost embarrassed about the chaos in his room. At least his bed is free besides his laptop.

“Need you.” Dean mumbles and pulls Castiel close again. There really is a need in his bones now and he wants to feel Castiel everywhere. Castiel stops him for a moment.

“Dean, I feel like I need to talk to you more. If… if we do uhm mate. That’s what we call it. There will be some changes after that.” Castiel says and Dean frowns. That doesn’t sound really good.

“What does that mean?”

“Well for one thing, you will be able to see me fully. You will see my grace when I use it and you can also see my wings. Well any angel’s wings.” Castiel looks down at that, when he says it. Embarrassed, Dean sits down on his bed.

“I would love to see your wings.” Dean says and he pats the bed next to him. Castiel slowly sits down.

“They’re… uhm they’re not beautiful anymore. I’m missing most of my feathers. They're hurt. In heaven they liked to torture me for… for being your soulmate.” Castiel whispers and Dean frowns.

“I’m so sorry, but I… I’m sure that I will love them either way, because I love you.” Dean says and he holds his hand out. Castiel takes it into his own and kisses it slowly. Dean’s face is surely red again, he’d never been so taken care of.

“I don’t regret you Dean. They could’ve ripped every feather out, I was excited every day to meet you and to finally fall in love with you.” Castiel says and he carefully kisses Dean’s cheek.

“Is there… more?” Dean asks and Castiel nods, but he’s smiling.

“Angels mate for life, so this is an important uhm act. The love between angel and human is forbidden, because we could create a nephilim, the strongest being in the world. I know we can’t birth a child, but it didn’t really matter to my siblings.” Castiel explains and Dean nods slowly.

“Too bad.” Dean says and Castiel feels himself smiling. He wishes they could create their own little nephilim.

“I heard there are other ways on earth.” Castiel chuckles a bit and Dean has to laugh with him. He knows it’s way too soon to talk about things like this, but Dean feels already giddy. He wants the whole future with Castiel, no matter how the future will look like.

Dean knows he’s in good hands and he would do everything to make Castiel happy.

“I love you.” Castiel says and Dean’s smile grows wider. How long did he have to wait for those words.

“Show me.” Dean whispers quietly and this time Castiel kisses him with everything that he has. Dean happily lets himself fall onto the bed and Castiel leans over him, pressing him against the mattress.

“You sure?” Castiel whispers and Dean knows they’re both nervous, but he nods. He really wants Castiel.

Castiel is really careful with him, while he undresses Dean slowly. Before that when Dean had sex, he’d always turn off the lights. Mostly because he didn’t want people to ask about his soulmate, but also because he’d been rather shy about his body and all his scars.

He isn’t 20 anymore and not as ripped as Sam now.

But Dean hopes with Castiel he can just be who he really is and still be loved. He has a good feeling.

Castiel strokes softly over his chest and Dean moans quietly, when he rubs with his thumb over his left nipple. Dean had always been very sensitive there.

“So good for me, right?” Castiel whispers directly into his skin and Dean shudders. He wants to undress Castiel as well, but this feels way too good. Castiel throws Dean’s flannel far away and then helps him carefully out of his shirt.

“Yeah.” Dean breathes back, too stunned to say more. Castiel even kisses the huge star on his left side, where a werewolf had gotten him when he’d barely been sixteen. Dean smiles, even though he can feel how he tears up as well.

“I’ll take care of you.” Castiel promises and Dean doesn’t even need to hesitate, he knows Castiel means it and Dean trusts him with his whole soul.

“Wanna get you out of your clothes.” Dean says and he kinda pouts up at Castiel, who has to laugh at that. Castiel gets up again and slowly gets out of his trenchcoat. Dean chuckles, when Castiel neatly folds it and puts it on Dean’s chair.

One day he would get his angel to strip all sexy for him, but not today. Dean relaxes and watches Castiel hungrily.

“Good?” Castiel asks and oh there is a cheeky smile, Dean nods hastily. Castiel throws his shirt on the ground and the tie next. Dean feels himself growing hard, just from the perfect view he’s getting. Castiel looks as if he struggles in his pants as well.

Dean slowly sits up and gets out of his pants on his own, too pent up already to wait any more. But he leaves his boxer shorts on for now. When he looks up, Castiel is completely naked and comes back towards him.

“Fuck.” Dean swears under his breath, especially because Castiel doesn’t waste any time and lays back down on him, just to kiss Dean breathless. Dean moans quietly into the kiss, not even embarrassed that his voice turns out to be a bit higher than normally.

“Did you… Cas did you ever have sex?” Dean asks quietly, when Castiel breaks the kiss to lick over Dean’s left nipple. Dean hisses, because that feels good and even better when Castiel bites into it.

“No, but I watched a lot of videos.” Castiel says and Dean groans again. Fuck, this shouldn’t be so hot.

“I’m… new to this part too.” Dean admits and Castiel smiles. For some reason, Dean isn’t nervous anymore. He trusts Castiel and he has to laugh, when the angel uses his grace to summon some lube. It’s a new package.

Dean whines quietly, when Castiel carefully helps him out of his underwear and presses a lot of kisses to his thighs, while Dean’s cock almost slaps against his stomach. Dean wants to hide, but at the same he wants to spread his legs even more.

The sound of the cap is loud in his room, but Dean doesn’t care. He wants to have the angel finally in him. Castiel’s cock is hot and hard and the angel rubs it over Dean’s hips a few times, before he slides a bit down the bed.

Dean gets no warning, Castiel just dives right in and sucks Dean’s dick into his mouth. Dean groans loudly, because damn it seems like angels don’t really have a gag reflex. Dean’s hips stutter already.

“Fuck Cas.” Dean can’t help but put his fingers in Castiel’s dark hair.

For the next few minutes, Dean tries everything not to come in Castiel’s mouth and ruin everything. He jerks a bit though, when he feels a finger against his hole. Castiel stops for a moment.

“Is it okay?” Castiel asks and Dean nods. He’d been rather scared of this moment, but even if it hurts, he knows Castiel will make it good too.

“Yeah, I love you.” Dean says and he smiles, when Castiel whispers it back. He doesn’t suck Dean’s dick again, probably because he knows how close Dean already is, but he does kiss his hip and thighs again.

The feeling is really weird at first, but Dean gets used to it, especially because Castiel looks so damn sexy down there and he’s still smiling so reassuringly at Dean.

The second finger hurts at first and Dean squeezes his eyes shut, he’s not sure if it gets better because his body gets used to this or because Castiel is using his grace to make it feel better.

Not that Dean cares. He’s fine with Castiel “cheating” like this. He imagines Castiel would do the air quotes for something like this.

“You’re being so good for me, baby.” Castiel says and Dean’s damn dick actually jumps. Castiel chuckles at that and Dean is sure that he blushes. Seems like he has a praise kink, great. Daddy issues incoming.

Dean whines when Castiel opens him up with three fingers. He had enough, he finally wants to feel Castiel. He finally wants to be mated, he had waited his whole life for this moment.

“Cas, please. Get in me, dammit.” Dean swears and Castiel snorts at that, but he actually listens and pulls his fingers out, Dean hisses.

“I want you to know that I waited so many years for this and I would’ve waited so many years more just to have you right here.” Castiel says and Dean feels himself tearing up again.

He’d been so unthankful and impatient, but Castiel is right - this is all worth it.

“Me too. Cas… I want you to know that you’re worth every minute of doubt I had, you’re the best mate I could ever have and I’m sorry that I was so ungrateful.” Dean answers and he hopes Castiel understands him.

“All good.” Castiel says and then he is kissing Dean’s neck again. Seems like his angel knows every nice spot already, not that Dean would complain about this.

“I’m ready Cas, please. Wanna … be fully yours.” Dean whispers more into Castiel’s hair than anything else. Castiel chuckles at that, a low sound that goes directly to Dean’s cock.

“You’ve always been fully mine.” Castiel growls out and Dean bares his throat at that. He has to say that he really likes this.

Dean closes his eyes, when he feels Castiel’s fingers again and shortly after that Castiel slowly pushes his cock inside of him. Dean groans, because okay that does hurt, but it’s also exciting.

“Fuck yes.” Dean breathes, when Castiel is finally fully inside him. For a moment they both stop, just looking at each other. Dean isn’t sure what he sees in Castiel’s eyes, but he likes it. Maybe it’s really love.

“You feel so good, Dean.” Castiel whispers and damn somehow that sounds so dirty out of his mouth. Dean grins and then wiggles his hips a bit.

“Could say the same about you sweetheart.” Dean says and Castiel leans back down to kiss him again. This feels so different from what Dean had before. Not because he wasn’t tender then, but he feels… at home.

Castiel starts to move slowly then and Dean throws his head back at the first real thrust, because shit why didn’t someone tell him sooner how good this feels?

“This okay?” Castiel asks and Dean moans loudly, when Castiel sucks his nipple into his mouth. Holy shit, this angel would so be the death of him.

“M-more than okay. Fuck, Cas. More.” Dean whines and he can’t even recognize his own voice. Castiel chuckles wetly against his skin and then he thrusts once more into Dean. This time the asshole actually nails his prostate.

Dean is sure that he’s seeing heaven - and yes he’s glad that Castiel can’t read his thoughts or else he would probably scold him. Dean smiles.

“Found it.” Castiel says happily and proceeds to find Dean’s prostate with each of his thrusts. Dean feels like he lost the ability to talk, he can just gasp loudly and hold onto Castiel.

“C-Cas.”

“I know, baby.” Castiel says and it’s as if someone switched his boyfriend. This is so damn hot. Dean takes his own cock into his hand, trying to jerk off but Castiel is having none of it. Instead he puts his own big hand around Dean’s cock, stroking it way too slow.

“Please, I'm so close.” Dean whispers and Castiel nods. The angel looks very close himself, but he doesn’t once stop pounding into Dean.
“It’s okay. I love you.” Castiel says and then he abruptly takes his hand off Dean’s cock. Dean doesn’t even have the chance to complain about that, because Castiel leans down on him and fucks him even deeper like this.

And then he puts his hand over Dean’s mark and squeezes.

Dean comes loudly between them and he swears that he actually sees stars. He still has his eyes closed and groans again, when he feels Castiel coming inside of him.

They’re both breathing hard and Dean is glad that Castiel is still laying on top of him, it keeps him grounded. He carefully starts to stroke over Castiel’s sweaty back when his hands hit something.

Dean slowly opens his eyes.

The first thing he sees it, that Castiel - angel of the lord - is actually blushing, but he still looks stunning. Dean smiles up at him and then he sees Castiel’s wings.

They look hurt and so many feathers are clearly missing, but it’s the most beautiful view Dean has ever seen.

“Can I… Can I touch them?” Dean asks and he sees how Castiel perks up at that. Seems like he really had been afraid of Dean’s reaction.

“Yeah.” Castiel breathes.

His feathers are soft and silky. Dean shudders under the feeling and Castiel’s cock - still inside of him - twitches. Dean would remember this for another time. For now he just carefully caresses the wings.

“What did I do to deserve you?” Castiel whispers and Dean smiles at him.

“I could ask the same.” Dean answers and then pulls Castiel closer again, so he can kiss him. It feels like he would never get tired of this.

When Dean gets cold, Castiel finally slips out of him and Dean has to bite down on his lips, so he doesn’t whine at the loss. Castiel carefully cleans Dean up and then they both get dressed.

Dean steals Castiel's white shirt and the angel laughs, but he does put on Dean’s flannel. That’s something Dean had always dreamed of. Dressing in your soulmates clothes, just to always have them close.

“Do you want to eat? I could always eat after sex.” Dean says then and he blushes when his stomach growls. He feels tired too, but his body seems to have other plans. Castiel only laughs and opens Dean’s door.

Outside it’s quiet.

Too quiet.

“Oh no.”

Dean already has a bad feeling when he walks towards their kitchen. He doesn’t even get that far, because their war room and library is full of people.

“Congrats!” Most of them yell and Dean wants to hide in his hands or for the ground to swallow him up. Castiel mostly seems confused and tilts his head to one side. Dean would kill Sam.

“Did we win something?” Castiel asks and Dean snorts.

“Well I think you just won a whole life with your soulmate.” Jody says and she hugs them both. Castiel slowly nods, but then he smiles widely, when he understands.

“Thank you. It’s the best prize earth has to offer.” Castiel says to everyone in the room and then he actually walks over to Donna who even has muffins to celebrate. Dean groans embarrassed, but Castiel just bites into one with a lot of chocolate.

“Dean look, you said you were hungry after sex.” Castiel yells loudly over the other people talking to each other and Dean facepalms.

“Thank you.” Dean mumbles.

“Seems like you hit the jackpot with your soulmate.” Sam says, who has an arm around Eileen. She winks at Dean.

“You know what? I feel like I did.” Dean says, when he sees how Castiel shows Claire a trick with his grace.

Castiel fit perfectly into his family. Into his life.

“I really did.”

*

“Do we even know what we’re looking for?” Dean whispers, when they walk into the old warehouse. Dean remembers the first time he’d been here. That’s where he’d found his soulmate, even though at the time he hadn’t known that.

“Probably an angel or two.” Eileen whispers back. Dean nods. They’d received a letter a few days ago and Castiel had said it was real. Apparently from an old friend of Castiel. Balthazar.

Dean isn’t sure if he likes that there are angels who know how to reach out to Castiel, but his boyfriend had been happy to hear from his old friend.

“I hope this Balthazar isn’t trying to trick us.” Dean mutters. He knows very well that Castiel can take care of himself and doesn’t need his help, Dean still hates that Castiel is standing alone in the middle of the warehouse waiting for Balthazar, while Eileen, Charlie and Sam are hiding.

“Cassie.”

Dean’s heart jumps in his chest, when he hears the new voice and suddenly Castiel isn’t alone anymore. There is someone standing right next to him. Castiel’s smile is soft, but not as soft as the one Dean is getting in the mornings.

“Balthazar, you really came.” Castiel says and they both hug. Dean isn’t sure if he should come out or not, but Castiel had promised him to tell him when he needs help.

“Of course. It’s good to see you.” Balthazar says and Dean relaxes a bit. They guy doesn’t really look like a threat. Dean can see how Eileen smirks at him, when she sees that he sits down.

“Why do you need my help?” Castiel asks then and Balthazar grins.

“Oh always business with you. I forgot about that, you’re just very immune to fun.” Balthazar says and Dean snickers quietly, when Castiel rolls his eyes. Dean had told him that before as well.

“Balthazar.”

“Okay okay fine. So I hope you brought your mate with you. I feel like he should know about this as well.” Balthazar says and he snaps his fingers again. Dean almost falls to his knees, when he’s suddenly next to Castiel instead of in his hiding spot.

“Uhm hi?” Dean says, a bit surprised.

“Hello, oh Cassie, he’s really a looker. I like his eyes.” Balthazar says and Dean grins a bit, when Castiel takes his hand into his own. Seems like his angel is a bit possessive. Not that Dean would complain about that.

“He is mine.” Castiel says as dry as he can. Balthazar laughs.

“So uh… do you need our help?” Dean asks, because while this is fun, he really wants to know what they’re looking for. Maybe Balthazar had been outcast just like Castiel had.

“Well, I’m personally fine. I got a mate in heaven and all. Cassie, you remember Gabriel right?” Balthazar says and he beams a bit when Castiel nods. Dean wonders if Castiel misses all his friends.

Maybe they could meet up often, if Balthazar didn’t care that Castiel’s mate is a human.

“Congratulations.” Castiel says and he seems more happy as well. Balthazar nods and then he snaps his fingers again. Suddenly he holds something in his hands. Dean’s heart stops when he sees the small bundle.

“Castiel you know that I’ve never given two shits about you having a human mate and I also know that you aren’t the only one, but… most angels in heaven are different about that.” Balthazar says and he sounds sad.

“Is that…” Castiel starts, but his voice breaks.

“Yeah this is Jack, he’s a nephilim. I… I found him a few days ago. It seems like the other angels killed his parents, but couldn’t find him. Maybe… maybe the parents sent him to me on purpose.” Balthazar says and Dean takes a step closer.

Dean looks into the bundle of blankets and almost tears up. Jack is rather small, he’s awake though and his big blue eyes are staring up at Dean.

“Oh.” Dean whispers. Jack has tiny wings. They’re almost golden.

“Maybe you… I mean maybe you will raise him?” Balthazar asks and for the first time he really sounds nervous. Dean takes Jack into his own hands and strokes over his cheek. He looks so small.

“Us?” Castiel asks, sounding so surprised.

“I mean you’re an angel and your mate is a human. I’m sure that will settle all the problems Jack could have, you can easily answer all his questions.” Balthazar says and Dean chuckles, because that's how angels think.

Dean can’t stop looking at Jack, he had always wanted a family, but he had never thought that it would come true.

“We’re taking him with us. Either way he will be safe in the bunker.” Castiel says, when he stands next to Dean and looks over his shoulder at Jack, who’s sucking his thumb now. He couldn’t be older than a few months.

“Great.” Balthazar actually sounds excited and Jack rubs his eyes. Poor boy is probably exhausted, Dean shushes him.

“Thank you Balthazar, I hope we can see each other again.” Castiel says and Balthazar nods, before he’s already gone. It’s probably too dangerous for him to be here any longer. Dean doesn’t care.

“He’s so adorable.” Dean whispers and Castiel has to agree to that. He doesn’t tell Dean that his heart swells two sizes when he sees how wonderful Dean looks with a child in his arms.

“Dada.” Jack mumbles and points his small finger at Dean, who almost lets him fall to the ground. Castiel chuckles, of course Jack had understood them. Even as a nephilim he’d be way more developed as a human baby.

“Does he mean me?” Dean says and Castiel kisses his cheek, when a tear falls down Dean’s beautiful face.

“Of course. Jack seems to love you as much as I already did at our first meeting.” Castiel says and this time he strokes carefully over Jack’s forehead. Jack gives him a gummy smile.

Dean couldn’t wait to tell Sam about this.

He really has everything he ever wanted now. His new life could finally start.

“I love you too.”

*

“Daddy look!”

Dean looks up from his dough. He had just been trying to make cookies, because his nephews Ed and Harry would visit them later with Sam and Eileen.

“What made you so excited?” Dean asks and he kneels down to his son, who was drawing on the floor with the new colors Castiel had just bought him.

“Somebody drew on me!” Jack says and he holds his hand up. He sounds like he is both offended and fascinated at the same time. His wings are still rather tiny, but they do flutter at his excitement.

“Oh.” Dean says, when he sees that Jack got his soulmark. It looks beautifully written on his skin and Dean carefully picks his son up. Jack doesn’t seem bothered by that, he just holds onto his Dad and lets himself be carried.

“Cas?”

“In the library, sweetheart.” Castiel answers and Dean walks into their cozy library. They own a nice little house by now and Dean had given his bunker and project to Claire and Kaia, who lead it now.

Dean and Castiel settled down, but they often research for those two. Mostly because Claire hates research, but also because Dean needs something to do.

“Jack got his words.” Dean proudly announces and that makes Castiel look up from the huge book he was reading.

“Papa look.” Jack says and he holds his hand up. Dean passes his son over to Castiel’s lap and then sits down in the chair beside them. Castiel smiles. Jack is only four, but as a nephilim everything seems to happen a bit sooner.

'I like your hair.' The words on Jack’s hand say and Dean has to chuckle at that, he strokes over Jack’s golden hair. He likes it as well.

“This is your soulmark, Jack. That means someone out there in the world is waiting just to meet you and fall in love with you.” Castiel explains and Jack's eyes grow big. He had always loved when Castiel had told him about their marks.

Dean had been nervous that as a nephilim Jack wouldn’t get a mark, so he is incredibly relieved now. He doesn’t want his son to have doubts like he did all those years.

“Like you and Daddy.” Jack says and Castiel nods.

“Yeah exactly. Just that Daddy has a handprint from me, because you know that Papa isn’t very good at writing.” Castiel says and he winks. Jack squeals happily, because he knows that’s a lie.

Castiel often writes whole books.

“It just makes me extra special.” Dean says grinning widely and he is glad that they can joke about things like that now. He strokes over his soulmark, seeing how Castiel shudders under the touch.

“If you say so.” Castiel answers and sometimes Dean misses the old clueless Castiel. By now his husband is a little fucker sometimes.

“Does that mean I gotta kiss my soulmate?” Jack asks then and he actually sounds disgusted by that. Dean laughs loudly, because

“One day sure. When you’re like 25.” Castiel says and Dean laughs even more. That’s so typical for Castiel, but his husband is grinning widely as well.

“Eww.” Jack says and he actually jumps down from his father’s lap, when Dean leans close and kisses Castiel. Jack gags at them, he lately does that a lot. Not that Dean or Castiel care.

“Jack, baby. No matter how your story goes or maybe if you never want to kiss your soulmate, I know they will understand and love you. You are perfect, how you are and I know you will turn out great. Never be afraid of your soulmate, they’ll love you just the way you are.” Dean says slowly, because he wants his son to understand this.

“And your Daddy and I will forever be at your side, no matter what happens.” Castiel promises and Jack smiles up at them.

“I like that.” Jack whispers and Dean gets up, so he can pick Jack up and pepper his face with kisses. He’s already sad that one day Jack will be too big to be cuddled like that, but he knows his son will create a great future.

“It’s true. See I even love your Papa when he eats all of my pie.” Dean says and Jack gasps loudly, because they all know how much Dean loves his pie. Jack doesn’t even try to steal it from him, but Castiel did a few times (and slept on the couch for that).

“Really?” Jack asks and Dean nods. He’d love Castiel forever he knows that. And what’s even more important, he knows that Castiel will love him forever as well.

“Yeah really. And I loved your Daddy even though he’s a silly goose sometimes.” Castiel laughs and even Jack chuckles with him. Dean huffs.

“I love you both, too.” Jack says happily and for that he gets kisses from Dean and Castiel. Jack shrieks loudly, but at least he doesn’t fight it.

“And now I should finish the cookies.” Dean says and he helps Jack back on the ground. Castiel kisses Dean’s forehead.

“I love you my soulmate.” Castiel whispers ,when Dean is already at the door, Jack’s little hand in his own. Dean gets goosebumps whenever Castiel says that.

Soulmate. Funny how that turned out for Dean. He looks back at Castiel.

Well.. he wouldn’t change a thing.