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ANCIENT REPTILIAN BRAIN – Soft. Safe. Nothingness. Sink in. Forget the day’s troubles, Harry. Forget what bothers you. Forget –
LIMBIC SYSTEM - *Run*!
ANCIENT REPTILIAN BRAIN – Active today. No, no more running. Why run so much, Harry? You’re sinking down into that deep primordial puddle, from the demons that lurk above to the sea monsters beneath -
LIMBIC SYSTEM - *Run*! Run, little bird, little rabbit, little thing with fur and soft teeth and pitter- patter heart and pitter-patter life and – and –
HALF-LIGHT [Success] – You’re being attacked. This asshole tries to kill a man when he’s asleep? Oh, you’ll show him! Nobody fucks with Tequila Sunrise when his pants are down.
HALF-LIGHT – No. Body.
YOU -
1. [Composure] - Wake up with some amount of decorum. Take the high road for this fight.
2. [Logic] - Do you think Kim “Triple Lock” Kitsuragi really shirked his safety protocols enough for someone to break in?
3. (Chosen) [Half-Light] - FUCK IT UP, DU BOIS.
YOU – You lurch awake in the darkness of your shared bedroom. As per usual, you are sweaty.
DARKENED BEDROOM – It’s still Jamrock. Let’s not cast any dispersions for how nice an apartment can be. However, as compared to what you returned to after THE HANGED MAN …
CONCEPTUALIZATION [Success] - It’s goddamn heaven.
DRAMA [Success] – Your bedroom is the source of the most tenderhearted war in Revachol. A constantly shifting mixture of disco and torquehead, it’s never as neat as Kim would like and never as eclectic as you would like.
But if you got your way, you think you’d like it less.
ELECTROCHEMISTRY [Success] – If I had my way, you’d no longer care about décor.
DARKENED BEDROOM – Your clothes are on the floor. Various motorcarriage magazines are littered over the dresser. There’s one in the bed, somewhere. At least one of your ties is always attempting escape from the dresser, hanging over the edge like a man trying to come aboard a lifeboat.
Two nightstands feature on either side of the bed. Kim’s nightstand has a neatly stacked tower on it. All case files, as well as his notes and various forms for paperwork. Two pens are laid neatly beside them.
Yours … it’s best not to talk about yours. You have a system.
Outside, the moon has half-risen, casting rays of silvery blue light into your room. Jamrock isn’t quiet, either. You can hear passing motor carriages. Passing calls from the inebriated and addicted. Further beneath, only you can hear the hum of Revachol.
You are fast asleep, right now, star-fished on the side of your bed. Next to you, Kim Kitsuragi thrashes under the covers. They roll and billow like ocean waves – and like the ocean, the man underneath whimpers in fear.
HALF-LIGHT – IT’S GO TIME, HOTSHOT.
YOU – Like the force of nature that you are, you whirl your entire body to slam your fist down on whatever has been kicking you.
PERCEPTION (HEARING) [Success] – You hear a voice whisper: “Not my gun. Harry, please.”
PHYSICAL INSTRUMENT [Failure] – Your fist comes down on soft mattress. The rest of your forearm, however, manages to strike your long-suffering partner in the hip.
KIM KITSURAGI – He wakes with a start, bolting straight up in bed. He breathes hard, chest rising and falling in great gulps of air. Like you, he sleeps in his underwear – but, unlike you, he keeps a change of clothes within grabbing distance.
KIM KITSURAGI – “AAAH!”
LOGIC [Success ] - Oops.
EMPATHY [Success] - At least it wasn’t in pain?
YOU – Well-awakened by your partner’s shouts, you sit up. The blankets pool around your lap.
PERCEPTION (SIGHT) [Success] – At the very least, your eyes are beginning to adjust to the darkness. The drawback of that is you can see just how much Kim is suffering.
KIM KITSURAGI – He is not a man that reaches out for comfort.
ESPRIT DE CORPS [Success] – Nor has he ever been.
KIM KITSURAGI – Even now, he sits mostly hunched on the bed, spine arched at an uncomfortable angle. His palms are pressing against his eye sockets. Great shuddering gasps escape him, and something is catching in his throat.
He is not one to mention nightmares. Sometimes you wake and he’s not there, though you can see the light in the kitchen from your bedroom. Sometimes you wake and you know he hasn’t fallen asleep. It is hard, sometimes, to comfort Kim Kitsuragi.
VOLITION [Success] – Don’t be so hard on yourself. It’s not *all* on you. For Kim Kitsuragi, sometimes comfort is an unwanted gift.
YOU -
1. [Empathy] “Hey. Hey, you’re having a nightmare. It’s okay. How can I help?”
2. (Chosen) [Hand-Eye Coordination] Twist to the side and hug your partner, damn it.
3. [Rhetoric] “Tell me five things you can see.”
HAND-EYE COORDINATION [Success] – You twist to the side and throw your arm around Kim’s shoulder. The other wraps around the small of his back. Kim offers no resistance to this.
KIM KITSURAGI – In fact, Kim eagerly receives it. His embraces often feel like he’s about to give you a professional thump on the back. He rarely does that. Instead, he intertwines both arms around your chest. You can feel the bridge of his nose press against your shoulder – and then he shifts, so that your shoulder is pressing into his eye socket.
PHYSICAL INSTRUMENT [Success] – Whatever’s comfortable. You guess.
KIM KITSURAGI – He still breathes in short gasps against your shoulder. You can feel sweat saturate his warm skin, as well as his hair. He clutches you like he’s drowning.
YOU – You accept this.
DARKENED BEDROOM – Some minutes pass. You do not shift from your embrace. You don’t think you could manage any words that Kim would hear – not because of their content, but because Kim starts to shake so severely that you wonder if he can even hear you. You press your cheek against the top of his soaked head. Eventually, he removes his head from your shoulder and unwinds his arms from around you.
KIM KITSURAGI – “Sorry.”
YOU -
1. [Drama] Excuse me. *Excuse* me. Sorry? Sorry, Lieutenant Kitsuragi? You are apologizing to me, your partner of *hrrm hrrrm* months, for having a nightmare?
2. (Chosen) [Hand-Eye Coordination] Hug him again.
3. [Volition] Do you want a glass of water, hon?
YOU – Without saying another word, you have secured the illustrious Kim Kitsuragi in your arms again. He jolts in surprise, but he doesn’t pull away. This embrace is softer, more supportive. He really is just slumped against you.
KIM KITSURAGI – “Thanks.”
EMPATHY [Success] – He is more grateful than he lets on, but the dream has really taken it out of him. For now, he is content to be held. That’s more than he’s had for most of his life.
EMPATHY – Whatever it was, it was bad.
LOGIC [Success] – Whoa, whoa, whoa. Remember what he said about ‘not my gun’? What was *that* about?
YOU -
1. Sit in silence. See if Kim will fall asleep sitting up. You’ve seen him do it before.
2. (Chosen) [Suggestion] “Hey, that seemed like it was rough. What happened?”
SUGGESTION [Failure] – “Pretty sure you were trying to kill me in my sleep. What gives?”
KIM KITSURAGI – While his pieces have not entirely fallen back into place, your obvious fumbling of the situation is a refreshing return to normalcy. He chuckles.
KIM KITSURAGI – “It’s nothing to concern yourself with, Harry. I’m sorry for waking you.”
INLAND EMPIRE – Oh, you like the way he says Harry, with that sleep-cracked voice. You are considerably less thrilled about the second apology in the span of a minute.
YOU – You raise an eyebrow in his direction. It’s not the same as how he does it.
KIM KITSURAGI – He’s not even looking at you. He’s set his cheek on your collarbone, staring at the opposite wall.
YOU -
1. “Are you sure you don’t want to talk about it?”
2. “Do you want a glass of water? “
3. (Chosen) “My bad for kicking you.”
KIM KITSURAGI – He snorts. “I’ve suffered worse. I think I’ll live.”
PAIN THRESHOLD [Success] – It’s true. Though it’s more difficult to make out in darkness, Kim’s body is riddled with old scars. It’s impossible to be a detective and make it through unscathed every time. You don’t know where all of them are from, but some – the sunbursts, the burns, the healed breaks – are obvious.
KIM KITSURAGI – “I didn’t, ehm …” He trails off, a little uncertain. “Was it bad?”
PAIN THRESHOLD [Success] – To call it pain would be an insult, actually. It’s nothing more than a vague throbbing in your leg.
YOU – “It’s fine.”
KIM KITSURAGI – He’s unsatisfied with this answer. In response, he pulls away from the hug to turn on the endtable lamp.
ELECTROCHEMISTRY [Success] – Wow. *Wow*. He really is the most handsome man in Revachol, isn’t he?
DRAMA [Success] – He’s. He’s not lying, sire.
ELECTROCHEMISTRY – It’s not all dicks and drugs, thank you.
ELECTROCHEMISTRY – It’s just mostly dicks and drugs.
ELECTROCHEMISTRY – I’m not going to lie to you, Harry. I could go for a fuck and a cigarette right now. See if your magic dick can help him.
COMPOSURE [Success] – Summarily denied.
KIM KITSURAGI – Lit up by the single bulb of the lamp, you can see the morning stubble has already sprouted across his face. Dark shadows line his undereyes and he seems, as always, just a touch more gaunt than healthy. His hair always seems to be in the intermediate process of receding. He’s remarkably free of wrinkles for a man approaching his fifties.
With swift precision, Kim yanks the sheets back to examine your legs. You are much more scarred than he is – a fact that both of you notice but rarely comment upon. The wound that he sewed up, years ago in Martinaise, shines proudly from your thigh.
“There are no bruises.”
YOU – “Told you it’s fine.”
EMPATHY [Success] – Relief. Even if it’s light, even if it’s while unconscious, he’s glad for this.
ESPRIT DE CORPS [Success] – Too many wounds on you already, mon ange.
YOU -
1. “Are you sure you don’t want to talk about it?”
2. (Chosen) “Do you want a glass of water? “
3. “My bad for kicking you.”
KIM KITSURAGI – He looks up at you in surprise, before touching his fingers to his throat. “I think that would be good. I’ve got it,” he says, already moving to swing his legs off the bed.
REACTION SPEED [Success] – He’s not the only speedfreak around here, thank you.
YOU – You stand before he can get off the bed, and you’re off to the kitchen.
PERCEPTION (SIGHT) [Success] – He rolls his eyes in loving exasperation.
YOU – You fetch a glass of water. When you return, Kim has pulled open the top nightstand drawer. You see the glint of black metal.
TOP NIGHTSTAND DRAWER – That drawer contains two RCM-registered firearms – yours and his. They are placed there when you get in from work, and they are retrieved just before you head out the door.
VOLITION [Success] - Many things have changed since you lost your memories in Martinaise. You feel … *better* feels like it is tempting fate. You feel different. You would be fine if you kept the gun on your nightstand, or even under your pillow, as so many RCM officers do.
However. Given the stories Jean and the rest of the Major Crimes Unit have told you, you think it is better for all involved that your gun is stowed away. At least, far enough away that you’d have to look Kim in his sleeping face to get it.
KIM KITSURAGI – He practically slams it shut and looks at you with an expression of …
EMPATHY [Failure] – Uh, maybe … shame?
COMPOSURE [Success] – Wow, that certainly was a strong bolt of panic. Let’s keep that shoved down deep, why don’t we? Repress that right into the grave.
YOU – You set the glass of water down on the nightstand. Before you lean back up, Kim presses a kiss against your temple.
KIM KITSURAGI – “Thanks.”
KIM KITSURAGI – He drinks. He hasn’t put his glasses back on, so you suppose it doesn’t really matter what he’s looking at.
ENDURANCE [Success] – You got a concussion during a case, once. Between that and your more severe hangovers, you think you can imagine what Kim’s vision is like without his glasses, and it’s not good.
YOU – You sit on the edge of the bed next to him and sling an arm around his waist. Kim leans against your side, and then tilts his head to rest against your shoulder.
1. (Chosen) “Are you sure you don’t want to talk about it?”
2. “Do you want a glass of water? “
3. “My bad for kicking you.”
KIM KITSURAGI – “What good would it do?”
RHETORIC [Failure] – Well, it could, uh …
KIM KITSURAGI – He gives his head a shake in the negative. “I’m not trying to be difficult. I just don’t see what good it will do, dredging up the past.”
LOGIC [Success] – It’s based on a fear of the past, then.
INLAND EMPIRE [Success] – You’re pretty sure that it’s *your* past, not his.
LOGIC – Kim’s past hasn’t been easy, either, but you can count on one hand the number of times Kim has brought up the sticky parts of his past voluntarily.
EMPATHY [Success] – You can’t relate. The sticky parts of your past – the ones you can remember, anyway – comes bubbling out of you unprompted until you’re a sobbing, blubbering wreck in Kim’s lap.
EMPATHY – And he calls *you* his angel.
LOGIC – You’re pretty sure he calls you that as an ironic joke, given your … occasional tendencies of speaking to inanimate objects (including the city of Revachol at large), your can-opener esque interview style, and your many near death experiences.
YOU -
1. (Chosen) “You were muttering something about ‘not my gun’?”
2. “What were you doing in the gun drawer, exactly?”
3. [Electrochemistry] “You look great with stubble. Want to take your mind off it?”
KIM KITSURAGI - He mutters a curse that you don’t quite catch.
AUTHORITY [Success] – “Hey, I’m not using that as a smoking gun. You were asleep. You don’t want to talk about it, we don’t.”
KIM KITSURAGI – “Remarkably mature of you.”
DRAMA [Success] – Yeah! It *is*! Look, you’ve learned a lot of things since you’ve woken up. You’ve read a *lot* of books.
ENCYCLOPEDIA – That is a statement of opinion.
DRAMA – The point is, you know – at least a tiny bit less than before – how not to be a royal cockhead.
ENCYCLOPEDIA [Success] – One of the difficult things for RCM detectives to un-learn is treating their romantic partners like a suspect, like every problem is a case to be solved. Its psychologically tricky, as their insistence comes from a point of care or love. They *want* to help. And it takes some heady self-actualization to know when you’re *not* helping.
VOLITION [Failure] – She stayed for so long.
INLAND EMPIRE – Unhelpful. You’ve gotten better at knowing inside yourself. Interrogation of your own mind.
COMPOSURE [Failure] – “Guns scary, that’s all.”
DRAMA – For fuck’s sake.
KIM KITSURAGI – You can catch him smiling in the mirror of your dresser.
LIGHTENED BEDROOM – A cold burst of wind comes in through the window. It is full of salt and moisture, fresh from the ocean, untainted by the scent of garbage and humanity. Kim flinches away from it, and your arm tightens around his shoulders.
KIM KITSURAGI – “Could we get back into bed?” He shivers against your side. “Fucking freezing.”
LIGHTENED BEDROOM – You reach over and turn off the light.
DARKENED BEDROOM – The both of you return underneath the sheets, where each of you breathe a little easier. He isn’t shaking anymore. You both snuggle close, facing one another, foreheads a reed’s width away from touching. This is how you normally start your nights, but even after *hrrm-hrrm* months of dating one another, your bodies still have not realized that you now share a bed with another person. You always wake up on either sides of the bed, well apart.
HAND-EYE COORDINATION – Not like it’s hard to roll over and squeeze Lieutenant Kitsuragi like he’s made of stuffing, though.
KIM KITSURAGI – “It has to do with THE HANGED MAN case.”
YOU – Ah.
COMPOSURE [Success] – It’s hard to say whether THE HANGED MAN troubles you the most psychologically. You have seen far worse cases. And you think, from Jean’s recollections, that you have even more disturbing ones in the back of your mind. It *is* true to say, however, that THE HANGED MAN *changed* your life.
LOGIC [Success] – Because of the complete retrograde amnesia!
EMPATHY [Success] – Because of meeting Kim.
VOLITION [Success] – Because of choosing to be a better person.
AUTHORITY [Success] – Because of the dispensation of justice.
DRAMA [Success] – Because of *discovering* a cryptozoological creature and becoming the talk of Jamrock … for two weeks.
SHIVERS [Success] – Because of averting widespread war, and hearing the city emit one singular, weak sigh of relief.
COMPOSURE – So it is. You keep your face carefully arranged. “Oh?”
KIM KITSURAGI – “The incident with the Hardie boys.”
COMPOSURE [Failure] – Can’t help you there, lieutenant. There were so many incidents with the Hardie Boys.
ENCYCLOPEDIA [Success] – Oh, but *I* can help. Is he referring to the incident where you tried to discuss gardening tips with the undercover lawyer? Or when you had to repeatedly run to the roof to question a suspect? When they made fun of your karaoke skills? When you engaged in a tribunal that ended up killing half of the Hardie boys? When you –
VISUAL CALCULUS [Success] – Come on, now. It’s not *complicated*. Two pieces of evidence – it has to do with the Hardie Boys, and you heard him whisper ‘not my gun’. Are you a detective?
ENCYCLOPEDIA - … Ah. Then that would refer to the incident wherein you asked Kim to load you his gun. And then you proceeded to, to somehow prove your authority, place the gun in your mouth.
It did not produce the intended effect.
ENCYCLOPEDIA – And let us not forget this comes mere days after you repeated the same action, in the lobby of a crowded hotel, to the horror of onlookers.
ESPRIT DE CORPS - *Fuck* me, the lieutenant thought, staring at his partner-in-crime, what does he think he’s doing? I have to stop him – without, I hope, ruining any hope of finding the murderer. Can I tell them that he’s doing a joke? *Is* this a joke? This isn’t funny.
VOLITION – Ah, yes, Harry. This doesn’t feel good. This is not a good memory. Maybe you shouldn’t have offered to listen.
YOU - “I get it. Is that what you dreamed about?” You ask. You reach your fingers up to brush through his hair.
KIM KITSURAGI – He hesitates. “Not precisely. We were in the Whirling-In-Rags. Front lobby. You were …” He does not finish. “And my gun was present.” It’s given with all the rapid-fire precision of a detective.
YOU – You open your mouth to answer, but before you do so, you feel strong arms wrap around your midsection again. Kim might be well shorter and leaner than you, but he’s a tough son of a bitch who could heft anyone in the precinct over his shoulder if *truly* necessary.
YOU – Though he does complain about your morning jog together. You’re pretty sure that’s mostly ritual.
YOU – Of course you hug him in return. You squeeze him so hard, because you – you -
VOLITION [Failure] – You piece of shit. Look at what you did. You had a stupid idea and it traumatized your partner. Your *boyfriend*. He’s having nightmares because you really, *really* thought you had a good idea. Or maybe you didn’t have a good idea, and you knew it, and you just wanted …
LOGIC [Success] – Actually, I think there might be something else going on here.
LOGIC – Believe me. I’m not trying to defend you. That was a bad call.
LOGIC – But your partner is Lieutenant Kitsuragi, decorated member of the RCM. His partner is you. Also a decorated member of the RCM. Also your frequent professional partner. He has seen you hurt or otherwise put in danger dozens of times.
LOGIC – Not to sound … pessimistic. But there’s every likelihood that Kim would have nightmares of you dying anyway.
INLAND EMPIRE – Kim, body broken and tossed askance on one of the piers in the Harbor District.
Kim, opening a door and immediately getting riddled with bullets.
Kim, getting stabbed and bleeding out alone.
LOGIC – Exactly. You’ve improved your interrogation techniques, lieutenant.
VOLITION – And in reducing certain self-destructive behaviors.
ESPRIT DE CORPS [Success] – *He blames himself*, the lieutenant thinks. He clutches to his lover a little tighter, uncertainty and dread and regret all spinning in him. He has never understood what people say when they feel things in his gut – if anything, for the lieutenant, most emotions make an appearance in his lungs. Right now, they feel tight. *I should have lied. Damn it. Damn it, damn it, damn it.*
YOU – You lean down to kiss the tip of his head again, and he relaxes – if only fractionally. You both know that there’s no magic words you can say to make it all better. You can’t promise that you won’t get hurt again. You can’t even promise that you won’t go into that deep, dark pit again. You both live the lives you do and you both understand, and maybe that’s enough.
YOU – But you should still probably say something. He isn’t a mindreader.
1. “Hey, I read your mind again. Just a heads-up. I don’t actually know if it’s mind-reading so much as really, really good body language … but there you go.”
2. [Drama] [Lie] “Everything is going to be okay, Kim.”
3. (Chosen) “What is it about your gun, specifically, that scares you so much?”
KIM KITSURAGI – Kim squints at you for the question.
YOU – You want to squint at yourself for the question.
EMPATHY [Success] – Wait. I don’t think he’s offended.
KIM KITSURAGI – “That’s the fear, is it not?” He asks, eyes boring holes into your own. Even if he prefers to stake notes to the side, he is a *good* interrogator. “Death is … “
YOU – Yeah, you answer, big shot. What *is* death?
1. [Encyclopedia] “A biological process endemic to all organisms in which the vital functions cease.”
2. (Chosen) [Empathy] “A lot.”
3. [Electrochemistry] “A shitty buzz.”
KIM KITSURAGI – He agrees with a smile. “It *is* a lot. But it is something that we must deal with, isn’t it? In our lines of work.” No, that’s not enough. Kim sighs. “In our … home. In Revachol.”
YOU – Sometimes you wonder if Kim thinks about your death as much as you thinks about his own. You really, really don’t want to know the answer. Neither will make you happy.
KIM KITSURAGI – “But the real danger is that *I* might do something that contributes to it, hm? If you had killed yourself that day – “ You wince at the mention. “Then I would have lent you my gun. You can say whatever else you might like, but *I* would have lent you my gun.”
YOU – You can understand.
KIM KITSURAGI – “In some ways, the most literal way I could’ve gotten you killed. Me having to come to terms with ...” He lets out shuddering sigh. “Not only your loss, but my involvement in your death.”
INLAND EMPIRE [Success] – It seems like Kim has been having some talks with himself, too.
YOU – You want to point out that, in that case especially, *Kim* was not the one putting you both into dangerous decisions.
RHETORIC [Success] – You do not point that out.
KIM KITSURAGI – Before you can talk again, he opens his mouth. He sounds far away, like he’s only tangentially aware of your presence. It’s odd, presented at contrast with the vice grip he has around your torso. “It would be unimaginable,” he whispers, no real power behind his voice. “Abhorrent.”
EMPATHY [Success] – It has to do with more than love.
EMPATHY – He loves you. He is not the sort to make explosive pronouncements of love (except when he’s *really*, really excited), but he loves you more than he has ever loved anyone. He loves you so deeply, so fiercely, so keenly that it’s made him look at the world different. It’s made him look at his cases differently. He sees the poor love-addled fools that he encounters on a weekly basis as …
EMPATHY – Still fools, honestly. But he understands them more.
EMPATHY – But people have died for Lieutenant Kitsuragi before. Innocent people have also died *because* of Lieutenant Kitsuragi’s involvement in their lives. It’s one of the most painful things he’s ever experienced.
EMPATHY – The thought of accidentally adding even more loss into this world, a world already riddled with bulletholes ...
EMPATHY – No. He refuses.
And that is why Kim Kitsuragi is so scared by the idea of you dying from *his* gun.
YOU -
1. (Chosen) [Authority] “Kim, I know I can’t predict the future. I’m not trying to put any pressure on you. But seriously, I’ve never felt *less* worried about my life than when I’m around you.”
2. If I go, it’s on my own terms. You don’t have to blame yourself.
3. [Inland Empire] We should make dream journals. Should start writing this stuff down.
4. Hey, if I die, I’m certainly not innocent. So it’s chill, right?
KIM KITSURAGI – Kim considers, pauses, and … nods.
YOU – “Besides, you’ve actively saved my life a few dozen times.”
KIM KITSURAGI – “Only a few dozen?” It’s added with a hint of a smile, weak and dying against the moonlight.
YOU – “I think it might start getting awkward if I count.”
KIM KITSURAGI – That actively gets a laugh out of him – quickly stifled against his palm.
EMPATHY [Failure] – Well, Merlin, you didn’t snap your fingers and fix everything, but he’s not about to cry anymore. I think he just wants this night to be over. Go to sleep.
YOU – Well, if you say so.
REACTION SPEED [Failure] – WAIT!
YOU – Too late. You loosen your grip on Kim and say, “Why don’t we try to get back to bed? Can talk about this more in the morning.”
YOU – You readjust yourself so that your chin is on top of his head, your legs entangled together. The cold breeze through the window feels like it’s growing worse. You can hear the whispers of the city raise above everything else, but you shut them out. Just for that night. Just for that night, you wanted to stay in this tiny Jamrock apartment with a man you loved, and you didn’t want to make it any more complicated than that.
PERCEPTION (HEARING) [Success] – Until you hear a sniff.
And then another.
YOU – Is …
PERCEPTION (HEARING) – He’s definitely crying, Harry.
ENCYCLOPEDIA – You can’t say for certain how much Kim Kitsuragi cries. You can only say for certain that Kim Kitsuragi *rarely* cries in front of anyone. That’s very much intentional. After a hard case, you can expect to find him in the garage of the precinct – if you can find him at all. That’s a much, *much* better outcome than what most partners of the RCM have to go through.
He’s fled the apartment when you think he’s about to cry. There’s been dates that have gone by that have really hit him. But you know he does cry, because he’s a detective in Revachol.
PHYSICAL INSTRUMENT [Success] – There might be a *slight* machismo culture in the RCM.
ENCYCLOPEDIA – Slight or not. Everyone cries.
YOU -
1. (Chosen) (Hug him closer). “I love you, hon. I got you.”
2. “What are you crying for?”
3. (Pull away to inspect the damage.)
YOU – That took a lot of work over the months to be able to say aloud. Even now, a glitter of desperate panic shoots through your body. You’re pretty sure you can feel it most in your thigh, right when you got shot on that case. Expressing love, you know, is dangerous. Fuck the job, it’s dangerous as a baseline.
And.
And you think it’s different than Dora was. You’re older, now. You like to think you’re wiser, with less baggage than you had. Either way, Dora exists as no more than a ghost in your mind, a poltergeist that comes to shake the bars every so often. You don’t really know her. You haven’t really known her for some time.
You know Kim, and you love Kim, and Kim understands in a way that you don’t think Dora did. Kim also knows how hard you work on believing that he’s not going to get exhausted, tired, or frustrated with you and wander off.
KIM KITSURAGI – He does not move his head from where it’s tucked, right in the hollow of your neck. You can feel some wetness. In response, you bring one hand to rub up and down his back. Dimly, you wonder if Kim’s going to call attention to it.
KIM KITSURAGI – “Harry, I … “ Oh, he does not sound good. His voice is thick; his tone is hoarse. “I love you.”
YOU – You know that.
YOU – You don’t know how long you stay awake, after. You know that you hold Kim long enough for his tears to stop. You’re awake long enough for Kim to stop pretending to be asleep and then to *actually* fall asleep, his body going limp. You keep on holding him, and he keeps on holding you.
YOU – In the morning, you know you’re going to get up. You’re going to make coffee, and Kim will probably make breakfast. You’ll go to the precinct together, and then – everything else is going to be awash in the same blur of Revachol.
YOU - You won’t have time to worry about anything else beyond those cases, too much for your own tiny unit. You will also feel the city underneath your feet; you will feel the cold shiver that indicates the city has something to stay yet again. You will try to do what good you can in a thousand little ways.
YOU – But for right now, you’re holding your partner, and that is enough. You close your eyes.
VOLITION – Maybe you’re not half-bad at this, Harry.