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Since he was a child, Sangwoo doesn’t seem to mind running away from anything that overpasses him.
It was a coward, self-destructive tactic, he knew it since the beginning, but things seem to be easier in that way, even if Sangwoo can’t identify when it started. Perhaps it may be in his childhood, when life was way sweet and innocent than now, playing with the other kids from ssangmundong. Running was easy, running was the best tactic to win most of the games, running with one foot was kinda difficult on the squid game, but it was fun after all. Maybe he applied this philosophy unconsciously in his daily life, when the yells of their parents were too loud, or when the tumultuous, dirty streets from the block were a constant reminder of his poor condition, or that times were studying and being the best student of the class was eating him alive, and now, running away once more, from the taxes, the police, his mother, his fault.
What a terrible proceed it was, but it was the best option to survive in a cruel, starving world, that’s why he doesn’t seem to care at all. If there was the possibility to run away, maintaining a façade was simpler then.
It was easy, but there was a problem when Gihun was in between.
Running away from Gihun wasn’t even an option for the major part of this life, not even when they have occasional discussions or childish disagreements when they were younger. Just it wasn’t, there was something in Gihun soft gestures and big smile and clunky movements that hypnotizes him that much to stay at the end of the day, riding the same bicycle together on the disregarded streets, watching the sunset at the horizon between the big apartments and light cables. Perhaps, Gihun was the safe place to run and rely on most of the time, for example, when cram school was exhausting and the perspective of a better future for him and his family was too blurry. Sangwoo may “coincidently” pass through the market, knowing Gihun was at the end of his work hours in his mother’s stall, or just going directly to his older friend house.
“What are you doing tonight?” He would simply say, because asking him to stay by his side was just too pathetic. Gihun would smile then, knowing the meaning of those words.
Most of the time they didn’t have enough money to stay on a cheap restaurant or food stall, so they would buy food on a near place from either of their houses, candies and cookies when they were younger, chips and some other beer when they were teens. Gihun’s bed was too tiny for both of them, so they would lay down on the floor, or close together on the small futon if it was winter, staring at the old ceiling on Gihun’s room. There were moments were Gihun was talking infinitely about everything and nothing, about his day, his thoughts, their futures, reciprocated by some distant Sangwoo’s words.
“Why you are always so silent? I told you every single thought and feeling I have and you just stay silent! What’s on your mind that is so important and hidden that you can’t say it aloud, eh?” Gihun laugh echoed through the slim walls then “I’m in charge of filling the uncomfortable silences all the time!”
However, there was occasions where words were not necessary, they both stayed silent, staring at nothing, and they were okay with it. The sunset made curious shadows around the room and it’s few items inside, and life seems to be boil down in that moments, with the solid, warm presence of Gihun by his side, shoulders and hands too close from each other but always too shy to touch together, Gihun’s long sighs interrupting the silence of the room, with the sounds of the cars on the city far away, and Gihun’s view occasionally staring at him. Most of the time Sangwoo would stay oblivious at the feeling, a few other times, however, his eyes betrayed him and would correspond to his gaze, and Gihun’s deep, dark eyes reflected the purplish colors of the sunset behind him, and his smile softly wrinkled the corner of his eyes, and the devastating necessity to ask Gihun to stare at him forever crashed him until his friend changed his view to the ceiling again.
Then Sangwoo would fight against the desire to run away from that place, from Gihun, from the reflect on his eyes, from his kind smile, from the feelings that spring out inside him. But he knew there was feelings that are impossible to run away and hide from.
Instead of, Sangwoo started to step away slowly from him.
Ripping Gihun apart from his life was a suicidal method, but coexisting with the tight feeling in his heart was draining him every day. University resulted in a good excuse to use to stay away from Gihun as far as he can. The feeling, however, did not disappeared, and even seemed to demand to see Gihun every once in a while. Then, without even noticing, Sangwoo would knock his friend’s door. Gihun then would have appeared in a simple shirt and tangled hair, watching him disconcerted for a few seconds,
“What are you doing tonight?” Sangwoo would asked and Gihun kind smile would appear once more as usual.
It was in that nostalgic routines where everything started, and it seems it was the moment where everything seems to end.
It was Saturday at night, the weather was too cold outside and Gihun’s calefaction never worked correctly, so the futon was a best option than the chilly floor. Gihun was telling him something, but he couldn’t remember what it was precisely, maybe a silly story about his day at work, Sangwoo wasn’t paying attention, and when he noticed Gihun stayed silent, waiting for an answer, words just flipped out of him.
“I got a job offer outside Korea” He whispered, and Gihun took some seconds to understand him fully.
“What, did you?! Woah, Sangwoo, that’s just- Incredible! The future seems to be so brilliant and you haven’t graduate it yet, are you considering it?”
“I did, I would leave this country once I graduate”
Gihun smile faded away slowly and a frown of concern remained on his face.
“Already? But…Why you didn’t tell me about it?”
“Did I have to?” And Sangwoo’s voice was way harsh that he intended.
“Well, a second opinion isn’t that bad, does it?” Gihun growled, lifting himself up from the futon with his elbows “Haven’t you think about your mother and how being so far away from you would make her feel? Haven’t you – “
“Are you asking this for her, or for you?”
Gihun stayed silent.
Sangwoo’s heart was beating fast despite his neutral expression, worried about the loud sound from the beat against his chest interrupting the prudent silence of the room. Dark eyes staring at him once more, but he didn’t correspond.
“It’s just…” Gihun started again, careful “It’s just we’ve been friends for most of our lives, we shared together almost every day when we were younger, and even now the hours we are together still feel special” Sangwoo did prefer to not ask what special means and let him continue “And now, out of nothing, you’re just telling me you’re leaving the country once you graduate? That is in almost a week, Sangwoo!”
“Yes, it is, my mom knows it, she was very happy with the notice–“
“And haven’t you think about me at least once?” Sangwoo flinched, Gihun wasn’t selfish, he was always kind and considerate with others, putting them in priority before himself, so the question left him perplexed “I’m not saying that you shouldn’t leave because of me, I mean, that’s ridiculous! But, why didn’t you tell me before? Why now? Does any of this means anything for you?”
Yes, it does, Sangwoo thought, It means too much, more that it should, that’s why I’m leaving.
And, for the first time in his life, Sangwoo follow his instinct from running away from Gihun. He didn’t answer any of his questions and just slowly stand up from the blankets, going to the door with heavy steps, and Gihun just watched him leave. That was the last memory he had from him.
What a terrible, self-destructive tactic it was, but it was the only method he knew to survive, and now that he ran away from the most important part of his life, losing anything else seems insignificant.
Running away from his debts, running away from the police, running away from his mother still waiting him. That was his life now, and those horrible games looked like the best option to start again.
And there they were now.
The rain attached their suits to their bodies, the blood left a dry, metallic taste on his mouth, and he was desperate to see the sunset reflected on Gihun’s dark eyes again, but they didn’t, instead, he could watch his own reflect, injured and wet, between the tears.
“We can leave this place together, Sangwoo!”
He knew they can’t.
Because there was nothing left outside for him, no good job or brilliant career, no more afternoons staring at the ceiling, he wasn’t even himself anymore, and even if Gihun was the same kind, dumb person he knew from years ago, he wasn’t his, and never be. The only thing that didn’t disappear at all was the intense, overwhelming feeling of love on his heart.
So he decided to run away again, and for the last time.
And stabbed himself on the throat.
Gihun yelled his name, or at least that’s what he thinks he heard for last, and the warm feeling of his hands on his shoulders despite the rain and the cold of his body. Dark eyes fixed upon his, and Sangwoo was genuinely happy, one of his desires was complete.
Gihun did stare at him forever.