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Shepard sat at his desk in his quarters, eyes growing weary from intently reading amidst the orange-tinted glow of his Cerberus-issued personal terminal. He rubbed his eyes and bridge of his nose with one hand while clicking off the window he was on with the other. He leaned on his knees and looked at the black metal floor. Putting together the reports from Aratoht for Admiral Hackett had put the Collector mission back into perspective, what was he doing out here?
He put his hands on his face, exhausted. Intellectually he knew what he was doing, he knew he needed Cerberus to do what he needed to do, what he’d already done, but his morality felt crumbled under the weight of the wake of all of the years of borderline evil Cerberus experiments and over 300,000 dead Batarians.
It was so much, all the time it was so much. Shepard knew the collectors had to be stopped, the reapers had to be stopped, but did the cost have to always be so high? Had there been another way? What if Kaidan was right? What if he was betraying everything he believed in, betraying humanity?
Kaidan…
Shepard had thought about him often when he’d write up reports, what he’d think about the forms from Cerberus he’d input his them into, what he thought Shepard might be hiding. Shepard had always told him the truth, but Kaidan was smart…and so stubborn.
The thought of Kaidan’s bullheaded nature made him laugh for the first time in weeks. He missed the Lieutenant deeply. He thought fondly about the Sentinel’s determination and careful typical course of action, Shepard knew it probably got his ass out of the fire more than once.
When first on the SR-2, Shepard had used to instinctively look toward where Kaidan used to stand at the SR-1’s crew deck terminal, now replaced by the kitchen. He remembered the sight of Kaidan coming off the old Normandy elevator, always looking frustrated, brow furrowed and jaw clenched, no doubt deftly doing whatever it was he was doing on that terminal for hours.
He remembered Kaidan being pleased to see him, sharing stories, trading awkward glances, fumbling over blatant flirting, the way he said “Shepard” in that husky voice, his dark honey-colored eyes, his smile, his ass, the way Shepard tried to telepathically communicate how much he wanted Kaidan to bend him over that desk—
Shepard felt a bright wave of lust wash over him at the thought, making him look up and grunt quietly. This wasn’t the time…but with or without his permission, memories of Kaidan flashed through his mind. The first time he’d palmed Shepard through his pants as they were locked into a desperate kiss, how his strong naked body looked in the dim light of his quarters, of him moaning over Shepard while he was buried deep inside him…
Shepard sat up and leaned back in his chair. He sighed dejectedly as looked down at his now-hard cock snaking down one leg of his pants. It had been a while, he’d been more than too busy to even consider anything more than The Mission for more than a few fleeting moments, but now…there was nothing left on the docket other than heading back to Earth to meet with Hackett, a meeting he was sure wouldn’t end positively. His own working with Cerberus would be hard enough to live down, even after he told the Illusive Man in no uncertain terms that they were done, but the loss of the Batarians—
Shepard shook his head to clear it, it was too much right now. Even if they were on their way, it’d be hours before they reached Sol. He wanted to remember right now and feel just one small crumb of comfort for the first time since he died. Shepard rubbed himself through his pants, eyes closed, losing himself in moments past.
He drifted into the memories of Kaidan’s whiskey-brown eyes, his sultry voice uttering terrible flirty lines, how he’d rub his neck when he felt awkward, how he’d squared his shoulders and looked at Shepard confidently from under heavy eyelids after he pushed him against the crew deck lockers…
Shepard undid his pants and pulled himself out, looking down at his enthusiastic erection with a quiet huff of laughter and smirk of acceptance. He clenched and released his muscles to make it raise and lower, feeling the soft fabric of his hoodie touch the head of his cock when it bounced up. He gripped it hard once then with just his fingers, pressed down toward the base of it, hitting the edge of his desk with a pap pap pap.
The Commander imagined Kaidan under his desk, burying his face in Shepard’s balls and inhaling his smell, gasping lightly for air as he desperately wanted to keep the commander’s scent in his nose. He imagined him licking up the bottom of his shaft, of him taking him all the way to the hilt and burying his nose in his pubic hair.
Shepard grabbed his cock and stroked it overhand while he snaked his other hand under his hoodie to fondle a nipple. He rubbed it lightly, falling into the intense sensation and his fingers feeling it harden under his touch. He slid down in his chair, ass just on the edge of it, legs spread wide.
He closed his eyes and remembered how good Kaidan felt inside him, a stretch turning to slick drag, his head pushed down on the desk by the lieutenant’s strong hand. He remembered the wet slapping noise of the sentinel’s hips hitting his ass, the light and only slightly, but lusciously, painful tap of his balls on his own.
Shepard grunted and stroked faster, remembering his own ass contracting around Kaidan’s cock as he came and then Kaidan releasing inside him. He remembered Kaidan pulling out and Shepard leaking his hot cum off his balls onto the floor of his quarters.
Shepard huffed his hitched breathing, eyes closed tight as he tilted his head and screwed up his face, pumping his fist fast and pulling at his nipple. The wave of lust finally washed over him and he softly cried out Ah! Kaidan!, bucking his hips as he shot white ropes of cum on the screen of the recently powered-down terminal.
He sat panting and opened his eyes, assessing the damage. He held his cock gently, aware of the cum that coated the side of his hand attempting to not make a bigger mess by wiping it anywhere.
He grinned at the now-filthy shut down computer screen. He didn’t give a shit anymore about Cerberus and he’d make a point to send that terminal back to the Illusive Man just as it was when they reached the Sol system.
Kaidan would have thought that was funny.
Shepard’s thoughts shattered as if struck by lightning as he suddenly remembered Kaidan berating him on Horizon. He remembered Kaidan yelling at him as if he’d had a choice in being dead, had a choice in using Cerberus.
Well, no more.
Shepard sighed and tipped his head back to look at the ceiling. Even if he’d lost Kaidan forever already, he’d make sure to never disappoint him again.