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Beomgyu is 𝘢𝘭𝘳𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵 . Or atleast he guesses so. Spending hours after hours down there in the studio, blasting off music and practicing for uncountable minutes doesn't make any difference nor does it matter. Does it? It's totally fine.
What if Annoying Yeonjun daily as a schedule, disobeying soobin, being loud, getting in taehyuns work and clinging to hueningkai and caring like a mother to the maknaes does anything. He still tries to engage with them as an escape to fight off his so called 'fine'ness. To ignore it and to keep himself feel good.
But what if he instead gets used to by a silent treatment followed from his Yeonjun hyung going on to the rest? What if he doesn't have anyone to talk to or turn around to? All it makes him feel is talkin to an empty space where he can hear himself waiting for a reaction, a response, anything at all.
Whenever he tried to rest his head on yeonjun's shoulder after a tiring dance practice he's welcomed with a groan, going to Soobin at midnight's for his nightterrors he's pushed off with an annoyed huff, taehyun glaring at him when beomgyu joins him to watch the friends together. Even the sweetest of all Hueningkai tried to shrug him off awkwardly excusing himself out.
It was stressing and upsetting beomgyu. Day by day. It went from just a small pickle to a large stone weighing down on him. Thinking where he did wrong, revealing up his insecurities up tearing the skin. 'do they not wanna be friends with me anymore?' 'do they hate me now?' and number of what ifs.
Beomgyu tries to ignore his feelings but how long. So he waited. And waited. Up till the point when they started planning hangouts without him. Going on parks leaving him out waking up to an empty door. It slowly started to create a big dark hole to something huge that kept sucking off his insides twisting and crumbling into nothingness.
He decided to ignore them too. And see if it affects them as much it affected him. So he did. Excusing himself from every social meetings to go to the dark studio room and dance to thr beats for hours till he finally goes weak in the legs an crashes to the floor panting. Going to the music room, closing the door and screaming his pain out but no one could hear. Not when it was sound proofed. He thought of it. Yes! He thought.
In the end he'd plan to tire himself up to even think of anything. Tire himself to take his pain away. He knew what would happen but still he did.
'they won't care anyways' he thought as he got up and moved along the beat
𝘏𝘶𝘧𝘧 𝘩𝘶𝘧𝘧
he started panting.
Eyes burning as tears formed.
Feeling to collapse. Head going spinning in a brim.
He was out of breath. Gasping for air. He crawled out to grab the bottle nearest as he gulped down. His head felt like it was gonna burst and splatter around. His nose clogging up bringing up the disability to breathe for more.
The door opened.
"What are you doing here at this time Beomgyu?"
Oh. It Was Soobin. Crap.
Beomgyu still not able to makeup words trying to control his breathing looked up to the others knees.
Soobin not noticing the breathless boy pointed out to thr clock
"As you can see. Tomorrow we have a photoshoot and because if you don't get rest you're gonna drag us down in our work by lazing around. So?" He said. Voice dropped not caring to glance at the boy.
Beomgyu followed Soobin's gaze.
Crap.
It was 2:38 in the damn morning.
"I- I'll go sleep....i-im s-s-.. sorry Soobin hyung" he whispered trying to count sheep's in his head to calm himself down. Damn the stuttering.
"Good. Now get back to the dorm" soobin said as he walked out pressing off the light switches, leaving Beomgyu in the darkness looking at Soobin's leaving figure.
"It will go away it will go away just wait" Beomgyu gripped onto the basin staring at his reflection repeating it like a mantra. His head was aching as if someone slammed a chair against it. He held onto some painkillers on his right hand as he sighed.
"Two for the day" he mumbled as he put it aside in the bathroom cabinet.
"It will go away"
It was only the becoming for what to come. Little did he knew.
...
The music stopped.
"Choi beomgyu you keep messing up the choreography do it properly!" Yeonjun said as he looked at beomgyu through the vast mirror.
"What's with you hyung?" Taehyun grumbled staring at the boy who was on his knees panting for air.
Beomgyu tried to ignore them. They won't care. They're the same. He repeated. Not even the end of the song and he was already tired. Feeling the burnt against his skin rise up.
"Don't ignore when you're been spoken to beomgyu!" soobin yelled.
Soobin is one of the calm leaders he knew who does things measureably and screaming is well rare for him unless it's too fucked up.
Beomgyu flinched.
"Hyung are you okay?-" kai tried to reach out. But before he was able to finish his sentence he was cut off my Yeonjun.
"Why wouldn't he be? Again trying to annoy us " he snickered as taehyun let out a non humourous laugh.
Oh.
"So you think that I'm trying to annoy you? Huh hyung, am I really that annoying? Oh well guess I am PFFFFFT" he said as he laughed out at his own tone, his head feeling light and dizzy now.
"That's not a way you should speak to your hyung" soobin warned him.
"And you know how to speak to your dongsaeng soobin 'hyung'?" Beomgyu mocked out the hyung as he glared at him. Soobin gasped at his sudden response.
"Hyung what's with you lately? You keep distancing yourself and act like Nothin happened and spend hours in studio like a maniac?" Taehyun huffed as he pointed out at beomgyu
"You should be asked. NOT ME. you distanced yourself. I'm to blame? You all try to stay away. What am I to do hm taehyunnie? Beg for attention? And only way I can do is be fine is practicing now that is rubbing off on you?" He snarled tears started to form as he shook his head to stop it from coming down. He'll not be weak by crying.
"Cause you keep annoying us Beomgyu" Yeonjun snapped. Veins forming on his neck as his face was fuming.
Kai interrupted.
"HYUNGS STOP. beomgy-"
Beomgyu.
He ran.
He flung out the door as fast as he could leaving the door handle swinging behind once twice. Tears streaming down like an angry river. Refusing to stay there even a minute. It was the last string that was pulled off.
He ran down the hundreds of block of stairs as he felt a lump down his throat as he crashed to the bottom of the railing. He crawled up as he went to the studio room and closed the door behind and cried. Cried out his heart. All the pain all his emotions. He let them out. And it started to flood. Cries of agony as he gripped onto his hands, nails digging down the soft smooth skin now marks of scratch with colours of red flowing. He wanted to deny it. He wanted to get out let the pain out. His head ache eating him up as nausea began to hit him.
He collapsed. Cold. With warm blood pooling. As his warm skin start to spread on.
...
"WHAT THE HELL YEONJUN" hueningkai shouted.
The lack of honorifics silenced down the room breathing.
"Kai you shouldn't-" soobin tried to stop the now raging maknae.
"You all don't deserve honorifics" kai gritted out each word maliciously as he Left the room to follow beomgyu.
"We messed it up" taehyun said as he looked at soobin and Yeonjun. Soobin felt guilty for raging out at the younger as the oldest was petrified.
"I-I... Didn't meant-to s-say i-i-it" he stuttered as he looked down at his hands remembering the teary beomgyu.
Beomgyu isn't the one to cry. Though being a pretty crier he's used to endure it and not really show it off to others. This proves how messed up was the situation.
...
Hueningkai ran down the stairs, inside the bathroom, elevator everywhere he could think of. Calling his beomgyu hyungs number repeatedly. He hurried down the stairs as he called his number. He stopped down his tracks as he heard a faint beaming of 'ghosting'.
Beomgyu hyung's favourite song.
He thought as he continuously called it and followed the faint melody of thr ringtone when he came across the vocal studio. The door closed. He took a breath as he opened the door.
He let out a shaky exale as he fell down on his knees.
"B-beomgyu hyung?" He breathed out.
There the older way. Facing down with the long highlighted hair covering his tear stained face, wet cause of the flood of tears. Hands crutched to his chest as he saw the red scratches with dried blood down his hands as he felt the elder shaking.
He took a sharp inhale as he used his hand to feel the olders skin.
IT was burning.
"H-HYUNG!" he cried out upon realisation as he did not hesitate to call Soobin.
...
Click click
Beomgyu heard thr clicking of the clock the first thing after he woke up. He opened his light to the brightness and it stained it right away. He adjusted his eyes as he looked at the white surrounding walls. He tried to get up when a hard pain came to his whole body as he whimpered in cause of the foreign pain.
"hyung? You a-awake?" A soft voice came from a corner. He tried again to get up when a pair of hands grabbed him and laid him to the bed softly
"Don't get up gyu it will hurt"
He recognised the voice.
Ofc he did. How would he forget YJ
He tried to make a joke out of it as a pang of memories flooded down his head and he stilled. Body frozen. Oh how badly he forgot what just happened and why he's in the white room with a saline down his hands.
"G-get away" beomgyu shreiked out of Yeonjun's hold as he went back to the hospital bed turning around. Refusing to face them.
"Oh you're awake Beomgyu-ssi"
A foreign voice came. He glanced to his right to see a man dressed in white with a sthetoscope hanging down his neck.
"I'm Doctor Kim. Lay down its alright" he spoke kindly when beomgyu tried to turn around to face and greet him. Beomgyu instead nodded in acknowledgement.
"Hyung you passed out" another voice spoke. Hueningkai.
"May I have a ward with one of you?" The doctor asked looking at the two men present in the room.
"Sure" Yeonjun said as the doctor and he excused themselves out of the room.
Kai instead of going along he came towards beomgyu and held his hand careful as it was bandsdged ot wanting to hurt his hyung.
"How's hyungie feeling ?" He asked with a small cheerful voice beomgyu didn't answer as he stared at his hands.
Hueningkai let out a shaky exale as he continued. "I'm sorry hyung you were ignored and for them talking like that to you. I should have said something. You must be feeling so bad right now and in pain" he said looking at beomgyus eyes earningly wanting a response. Beomgyu instead stared at Kai's pleading eyes.
Though he was upset about it. Kai was not the one who did them. Nor should he apologize.
After a silent minute of eye contact beomgyu broke out
"Not your fault" he said with a low voice fidgeting his fingers "ts fine" he mumbled.
Kai smiled in return thankful. "You're clearly not fine or you wouldn't be in the hospital bed like a grandma" kai teased him
Beomgyu instead let out a humorless chuckle and hummed.
...
"Beomgyu ssi was in high fever for a few days and body minerals and nutrition was lacking so we gave him saline to feed him when he was unconscious. His body is almost weak and blood pressure is high. For a young boy like him it might be stress and overworking so he should get atleast two weeks of proper care and rest. Signs of self infliction was shown. We bandadged it. It wasn't that bad but if it got infected it would be worse so he needs proper care right now" the doctor finished staring at Yeonjun who was shocked
'why didn't I ever notice'
He felt a bang of guilt rush through him as he bit his tounge in his mouth and nodded. "I'll look after him" he said out
"Hm and if anything is wrong visit us again it will be an honour to help" the doctor smiled as he walked out calling for the next patient.
...
While on the other side Soobin and taehyun were busy handling the manager.
"Listen I don't know what's happening betwern you all but fix it if it goes out of hand I need to interfere" the manager said sternly as Soobin nodded.
Taehyuns phone rang. He picked up.
"He's awake now" Yeonjun said from the other line.
Taehyun tugged onto Soobin's sleeve whispering the message as Soobin's body tensed as he fleed out the room.
"Sorry about that manager nim. We need to be right back" taehyun said to the manager who nodded in acknowledgement.
He's finally awake.
They need to fix it.
More over their career they wanted to see beomgyu never like this again but happy
"BEOMGYU HYUNG"
"BEOMGYU AH"
two voices came in the room shocking the three people. Beomgyu who was laying down shreiked up to the sound and looked at taehyun and Soobin from shock to tired looking eyes and sighed as he held Kai's hand.
"Uh hyungs you should give beomgyu some time I'll stay here you all can go rest" kai gave a small smile getting beomgyus gesture as beomgyus hands relaxed in his hold.
Taehyun looked as if someone slapped him across his face while soobin look heartbroken at his later friend's reaction. Yeonjun patted their backs as he pulled them out the room refusing to let go after he's finally back awake.
"H-hyung w-what?" Taehyun almost had the tears falling from his eyes as he said voice cracking looking at Yeonjun.
"Taehyun-ah don't worry he just needs it. We deserve this. It will be okay"
Soobin hummed as he got out speeding his steps out of the hospital. Yeonjun looked at his direction and sighed while taehyun stared at beomgyu through the mirror separating them. He felt he was about to pass out from the guilt eating him whole.
...
"Kai-ah" beomgyu said weakly staring at his bandsdged hands. Kai looked up at him questioningly.
"I'm sorry"
"Why are you sorry hyung? What for?" He quirked an eyebrow at him.
"I'm sorry if I ever annoyed you and others. And being a burden to your right now.. i-i didn't meant to I was just wanted to.. that doesn't matter. I promise I'll not go near and give you all space infact you don't have to even see me just please….don't ignore me you all won't have to worry about me. I-im sorry" he said as he broke down in tears.
Yeonjun and taehyun who were hearing the conversation outside the door broke down hearing their beomgyus feelings feeling regret as anger boiling for their mistake.
'its my fault'
They thought. Taehyun sobbed.
"Hyung stop right there" kai said sternly looking at beomgyu who just trying to stop his sobs choking himself.
"Don't you ever apologise to me and us again which is not your fault and don't corner yourself from us. You're not annoying. I love it when you come to me clinging on me and fighting off with Yeonjun. Admittingly not when I sleep though. But I enjoy . We all do when we see you being yourself. And you don't have to take care of yourself alone. We are here of course we'll worry. You're our family hyung. And family has eachothers backs. The others are probably regretting about what they have done and reflecting on their actions and it's totally sane to be mad after what you went through. Hyung we just want you happy. You can do anything you want as long as you smile. You have the prettiest smile that anyone would kill the lord's to catch a glimpse of it. We're here for you"
Beomgyu who was listening chuckled as his tears were falling at an unmeasable pace.
He pulled Kai's hand Hueningkai knowing he hugged beomgyu patting his back in a soothing manner and the other hand on his hair playing with it. Beomgyu who's face was smushed against hus chest crying uncontrollably.
"It's fine hyung. It will be" kai whispered as beomgyu cried harder at it.
He felt something he would kill to earn
Warmth. And. Love.
Yeonjun and taehyun looked at them. Taehyun crying at the sight and Yeonjun proud of their maknae's words and maturity.
Suddenly the hospital door slammed open and Soobin came as he went in the room of beomgyu.
"I'm b-back" he said panting
Hueningkai and Beomgyu broke out of the hug looking at the sweaty Soobin while Yeonjun widened his eyes got in the room to take soobin out.
"Wait Jun hyung" he said
"Yah Beomgyu. I ran to the other town to get Toto for you and snacks and you don't even welcome me? Damn cruelty" he said as he hand over the cage Toto was in to the side table Beomgyu's eyes widened at seeing Toto as he bent over to grab the cage seeing Toto chewing beans.
"H-How" he whispered.
"Auntie allowed me so I got him thinking it will make you happy" Soobin said shyly and damn shy was he when rhe time came.
"…"
The room felt silent processing what just happened.
"…..thanks Soobin" beomgyu said looking at Soobin with a smile and they all swore to not coo at the sight.
"ThaTS SooBin hyung for you Beomgyu" Soobin said as he faked a stern voice to which beomgyu looked up in amusement.
Beomgyu looked at Yeonjun and Taehyun and sighed.
All of their faces fell at the reaction.
"All of you can you come here once?" He said looking at his lap. The others looked at eachother nervously and scared. They took shaky steps to huening and beomgyu as beomgyu held hueningkai's hand and grabbed the others into a hug as he put his face in taehyuns neck inhaling him, hands wrapping around the four of them.
The others were shocked as they realised the moment and hugged back beomgyu their hands on Beomgyu's small waist as taehyun broke down crying hugging beomgyu tight.
"I Missed YoU all "
He said.
"We missed you too"
They replied
Yeonjun pulled back holding Beomgyu's hand.
"Hyung promises Beomgyu that he'll never ignore him again okay? Don't be upset be happy I'm here"
"Me too" said the rest three as all of them laughed at the sudden reaction
Beomgyu cried out hugging Yeonjun.
"Stop I'm tired of crying" he whined
"You'll not do this again right, promise?" He whispered against yeonjun's collarbone still unsure
"Never again" the rest assured.
"We'll make it upto hyung" taehyun said as he patted Beomgyu's head as beomgyu leaned into the touch smiling.
Toto chirped.
Fin