Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

Soonyoung has been to Incheon airport before. It’s usually just like this, Soonyoung in the passenger’s seat, Jihoon cursing under his breath at the traffic as he pulls up to the terminal in his beat up Hyundai Sonata. Only half a year ago Jihoon had dropped him and Seungkwan off right here, a last minute trip to Jeju before Seungkwan started his graduate program. 

As familiar as the scene is, the old car stereo system crackling as Jihoon comes to a stop, Incheon looks different today. The big glass windows sparkle, Soonyoung’s heart thumping inside of his chest. This isn’t a quick trip to visit Seungkwan’s family. This isn’t like his college trip with Jihoon to Japan. He isn’t going to be back here in less than two weeks, Jihoon’s rusting white car waiting for him. Soonyoung is going to America . For months. It has him buzzing. 

“You gonna get out, or did I just drive you here to look at the airport?” Jihoon asks. 

Soonyoung whips around to look at him. He’s smiling, but Soonyoung knows him well enough to see past his sarcastic joke. 

“Aww, you’re going to miss me, aren’t you?” Soonyoung laughs.

He unbuckles himself, the button ever-sticky from sodas Soonyoung has spilled in the passenger’s seat over the years. Soonyoung leans across the seat to pinch Jihoon’s cheek. Jihoon grimaces and swats his hand away. 

“You wish,” Jihoon says. 

“You’d better not replace me with Seungkwan. I’ll kill you both when I get back,” Soonyoung threatens, still giggling. 

“I’ll make sure we hide the couples t-shirts we make when you get back,” Jihoon smiles.

He’s never been able to resist Soonyoung’s laugh for too long. 

“Jackass! You know I’ve wanted matching shirts for years! I was kidding before, but if you really do that with him I’ll actually kill you!” Soonyoung shouts, tears in his eyes from how hard he’s cracking up. 

“Seungkwan is just more convincing than you, what can I say,” Jihoon chuckles.

He’s supporting most of Soonyoung’s weight now, Soonyoung leaned fully across the center console. It hits him that this scene is a bit too familiar, a bit too much like the night he broke down in Jihoon’s car two months ago and they- 

“Okay, okay, you’re going to miss your flight, pull it together,” Jihoon says. 

He shakes Soonyoung off of him, back into his own seat. Soonyoung thinks he might be feeling the same thing as Soonyoung, thinking about the same memory. The way he’s looking out the window and avoiding Soonyoung’s gaze is… it isn’t normal. It isn’t how they are with each other. 

“Yeah, okay. Pop the trunk?” Soonyoung asks. 

Jihoon’s hand moves along the door and the clunk of the trunk sounds from the back of the car. 

“Hey, thanks for driving me,” Soonyoung says. 

“I’m always your chauffeur,” Jihoon rolls his eyes. 

This isn’t the same, and Soonyoung knows that they both know it. This feels like- feels like when his fucking parents dropped him off for college. He’d been buzzing then, too, but there was also this deep sadness knowing that he was leaving an entire era behind. The only difference now is that Jihoon isn’t coming with him, won’t be his best friend and transitional object.

Their kiss a few months back doesn’t make it easier. 

For the nine thousandth time this week, Soonyoung considers bringing it up. He’s not one to shut his mouth, not about anything. The night Jihoon had kissed him, Soonyoung had gone on and on about it, so much so that Jihoon had dropped him off at his own home instead of having the sleepover Soonyoung had been hoping for. 

And then, the next morning, Soonyoung had gotten the call he’d wanted more than anything , the call he didn’t think was coming at all. Itzy (Itzy!) wanted him as a backup dancer. He’d been so excited that he hadn’t even thought about the night before when he’d called Jihoon to tell him the news, or when Jihoon took him out for celebratory drinks that evening. 

So they never talked about it. 

And now Soonyoung is going on tour for six months. 

“Jihoon,” Soonyoung says. 

Now isn’t the right time, and he knows it. You don’t tell someone you’ve been in love with them for years and then get on a plane to an entirely different country where, god knows, you’re going to be sleeping with fans. 

“ Hoshi ,” Jihoon says, eyes squinting. 

It’s the perfect out, an easy abort to his poorly planned mission. 

“Oh, my god! I never thought you’d use my stage name! Oh my god I am so happy right now!” Soonyoung giggles. 

“First and last time, idiot,” Jihoon tells him. 

Soonyoung is happy. He’s been trying for weeks to break Jihoon down about using his stage name. “Soonyoung” isn’t going to fly abroad, not with English speakers. He needs something cute and flashy. 

It makes the weight of this entire situation settle firmly in his chest. This isn’t Soonyoung and Jihoon sitting in a car, ready to talk about their looming romantic tension. This is Jihoon dropping Hoshi off before the biggest career move of his life. Hoshi is going to get on a plane and come back different. Jihoon is going to stay in Seoul. 

“I’m gonna get really famous out there, you know. Make sure you keep track of what all the international fans are saying about me,” Soonyoung says. 

“I’m not learning English for you or your fans,” Jihoon tells him. 

Soonyoung has to get out of the car. He’s got to get his luggage and meet the other dancers and leave all his shit with Jihoon behind, locked away like his actual shit in some storage unit near his old apartment. 

“I’ve gotta go,” Soonyoung says. 

“I’ve been saying that, yeah,” Jihoon laughs. 

Soonyoung tries not to listen to it, tries not to think about how cute Jihoon is when he’s smiling. He looks back out at the airport, all shining in the sunlight and full of promise. 

Soonyoung moves. It’s what he does best, taking action no matter what his brain is caught up on. His hand pulls at the door handle and his foot kicks it open. He’s standing on the sidewalk before he’s fully made the conscious decision to do it, pulling his suitcase out of Jihoon’s trunk. He rolls it over to the passenger door and looks at Jihoon through the open window. 

“I guess this is it, huh?” Soonyoung says. 

“My little Soonyoung, all grown up,” Jihoon teases. 

“I’m older than you, dickhead,” Soonyoung laughs. 

“Go catch your fucking plane, come on! And you’d better come back more famous. I didn’t drive all the way to Incheon for you not to get like, at least one sasaeng,” Jihoon grins. 

“Bye, Jihoon.”

“Bye, Soonyoung.” 

Soonyoung has every intention of looking back once he walks through the glass doors of the airport. He has every intention, but Jun and Joshua are already in there waiting for him, both of them blonde from their hair appointment two days prior, both of them visibly vibrating from the same anticipation Soonyoung is feeling. 

“Hoshi!” Joshua calls, pulling him into a hug. 

“We’re going to America ,” Jun smiles, his eyes full of disbelief. 

“Josh will finally be able to understand what people are saying,” Soonyoung jokes.

“And you’ll still refuse to shut up, even if people can’t understand you,” Jun elbows him. 

“Okay, we’ve got to go. Staff said to meet them at the gate. Hurry up and check your bag, Hoshi,” Joshua instructs. 

It isn’t until he’s through the security line struggling to put his shoes back on that he realizes he forgot to turn around to see if Jihoon had pulled away. 

~

“Where’s Joshua?” Soonyoung asks as he opens the door to their shared hotel room. 

“On the phone,” Jun answers. 

Soonyoung rolls his eyes. 

“Didn’t he just call his boyfriend this morning? We only have one day off in LA, I’m trying to go out,” Soonyoung complains. 

He flops onto Jun’s bed beside him. Jun, for his part, ignores him. His nose is also buried in his phone. He’s replaying videos from last night’s concert. Soonyoung shimmies next to him, his head resting on Jun’s shoulder to watch. 

Soonyoung had been nervous for their first show. It isn’t that he’s not used to performing. He loves the stage, would live his whole life up there if someone would let him. This tour is a lot of firsts for him though. First time in America, first time performing as a backup dancer, first time dancing in a stadium. It was hard not to shake as he and Jun and Joshua walked out in the pitch black stadium to take their places behind Itzy. 

Jun isn’t watching that performance, though. He’s watching last night’s. Soonyoung had already felt more confident two shows into the tour. His anxiety from their first concert was replaced by a buzzing energy. It shows in the videos. He’s glowing up there. Maybe he’s tooting his own horn a little hard, but he swears his eye shoots straight to himself when he lifts Ryujin into the air, his performance outshining hers if only in that one moment. 

“We look incredible,” Soonyoung comments. 

Jun hums in agreement. Soonyoung watches as Jun shares the video in his family group chat. He can’t make out a single word of the text exchange they’re having in Cantonese, so he pushes himself off the bed and walks across the room to rifle through his suitcase. He slips out of his workout clothes and into something tight and slinky. He knows that most of the cities they’ll be stopping in will have gay bars of some sort, but LA feels special. Maybe it’s just the way Joshua has been talking up his old haunts, the clubs he used to sneak into underage before uprooting his whole life to Korea. 

Fucking, Joshua . 

Soonyoung traipses over to the bathroom door and pounds on it pathetically. 

“Shu a . I need to do my makeup. I wanna go out soon, let me in!” Soonyoung whines. 

Joshua opens the bathroom door smiling, phone still held to his ear. He’s already dressed up for the night, his makeup done flawlessly. Good to know he wasn’t completely wasting his time in the bathroom. 

Soonyoung takes up the sink with all his skincare products, dotting foundation on his face. Joshua is content enough to move out of the way. He sits in the dry bathtub fully clothed as he continues his conversation with Jeonghan over the phone. Soonyoung tries not to listen in. They’ve only been on tour a little over a week, now, but already they’ve had to learn how to give each other the illusion of privacy while living in such tight quarters. They’ve been rotating beds every night to make sure everyone gets the opportunity to sleep alone. Just a few hours ago, Soonyoung and Joshua turned the television up full volume so Jun could jerk off in the bathroom. And, now, Soonyoung is doing his makeup not two feet from Joshua, pretending like he can’t hear the sweet and sad things he coos to his long distance partner. 

For just a moment, Soonyoung wonders what it would have been like to kiss Jihoon in the car at the airport. He wonders if they’d be on the phone now, too. 

Soonyoung remembers that Jihoon texted him last night, after their concert. It would have been early morning for Jihoon. Soonyoung hadn’t answered- the entire crew went out for post-show drinks. 

Joshua’s phone call ends and he looks sad. 

“You okay?” Soonyoung asks. 

“Yeah. He was just sad. It made me sad,” Joshua explains. 

“Did he sleep at all? I feel like you just talked a few hours ago,” Soonyoung asks. 

He finishes his eye makeup and blinks at himself in the mirror, loose dust from his eye glitter sprinkling into his eyelashes. 

“I don’t know. Probably not. He never sleeps well,” Joshua says, “But hey, let's go out?” 

Soonyoung smiles. He’d been worried that Joshua would bail after talking with Jeonghan. 

“Hell yeah, let’s go get Jun.” 

The club is in full swing when they arrive. They enter to a huge dance floor, a large disco ball spinning in the center. The lights glisten off the sequin dresses of the drag performers on stage. This isn’t something Soonyoung has seen before, not in person. He can’t stop smiling. 

“They’re so beautiful,” Soonyoung tells his friends, looking up at the queens. 

Jun chuckles and heads towards the bar, cash in hand. Joshua smiles brightly at him before following after Jun. They do a round of shots together. Soonyoung misses the easy taste of soju. If Jihoon were here he’d make fun of Soonyoung, tell him that his taste in alcohol is unsophisticated. Soonyoung asks Joshua to order him something cheap and fruity afterwards just to spite imaginary-Jihoon. 

Joshua and Jun head to the dance floor with their drinks in their hands. Soonyoung is far more interested in catching the end of the drag show. He doesn’t understand a single joke the performers make. There’s physical comedy too, though, campy and dramatic. That he comprehends. He laughs along with the crowd, he ooh’s and ahh’s at dance moves he himself doesn’t think he could pull off. 

When the show is over, he finds himself at the bar next to one of the queens. She looks beautiful ordering a drink, just as beautiful as she had up on stage. Soonyoung orders two shots as he stands next to her. 

“For you!” he says when the tequila is handed to him. 

The queen smiles at him and clinks their shot glasses together. 

“Pretty,” he tells her. 

She leans in to him and says something loud in his ear. He has absolutely no idea what it means. He briefly scans the crowd for Joshua before giving up on the pursuit. 

“No English,” he tells her. 

She smiles at him, a small lipstick smear on her teeth. Soonyoung finds it endearing. She holds up her pointer finger and leans across the bar. When she looks back towards Soonyoung, she’s holding two more tequila shots. They take them, both of them laughing. 

“Hoshi,” Soonyoung tells her, pointing to himself. 

“Virgo,” the queen tells him. 

Soonyoung laughs. He knows enough about the western zodiac to know that virgo is the sign of the virgin. Based on her earlier performance, it’s an ironic name. 

“Dance?” Virgo asks him, extending her hand. 

Soonyoung beams at her and takes it. They walk to the dance floor with their fingers entwined, and then Soonyoung loses himself to the music. He knows that he’s drunk, he knows that he’s having fun, and he knows that he’s dancing well enough to impress his new friend. They move closer together in the crowd, hands on each other’s hips and shoulders and necks until they’re kissing under the shining lights of the disco ball. It gets sweaty and sexual, their pelvises pressed together. Soonyoung doesn’t really know the specifics of tucking, has never thought about it before, but he knows that he’s hard as a fucking rock as he grinds against Virgo, but can’t feel anything whatsoever happening in the front of her dress. It only makes him hornier. 

She leads him to the bathroom. Soonyoung has been to clubs in Seoul where people hook up, but it has never been anything like this. There are people making out on the sink, tongues down each other’s throats, some guy with his hand down his lover’s pants by the urinal. If Soonyoung wasn’t hard before he sure as hell is now. He’s led to one of the stalls. Neither of them bother closing the door before Soonyoung is pushed against the wall, a leg between his knees. He tries his best to be delicate with Virgo’s wig as they kiss, but he knows he’s still fucked it up with sweat and friction. 

Soonyoung might not know all the English sex-related vocabulary, but he knows “blow job” well enough to nod emphatically as Virgo drops to her knees. He closes his eyes as she unbuttons his pants and takes his cock into her mouth, taking in the pleasure of it all. If he’s honest, he’s drunk enough that he isn’t feeling as sensitive as he normally might. If it were just the two of them at home, he isn’t so sure he’d be able to orgasm. But it isn’t just them in bed. 

Soonyoung opens his eyes. He first looks down at Virgo, her pink-tinted lips pursed over his cock, and then out into the bathroom. He’s not the only one moaning. The other guys looking at each other- looking at him - is fucking erotic. Soonyoung has never hooked up with someone so publicly before but he loves it. He loves looking out to find men’s eyes on him. He loves staring back. 

He loses himself watching this virtual stranger bob on his dick, spit all over her cheeks. He’s less careful with her hair now, so much so that she has to slap his hand away with a laugh a few times. He chokes out an apology and she shows her acceptance of it by deep throating him. 

Soonyoung looks out at the bathroom again just as he’s about to cum. More people are watching him now, some of them directly, others in the mirror as they receive their own pleasure. It strikes Soonyoung that Joshua is among them. It looks like he’s just walked through the bathroom door, his eyes wide with shock. Soonyoung winks at him, and then Virgo does something he doesn’t even know how to describe with her tongue, and then he’s cumming, eyes screwed shut and whining. 

He is hyper aware that Joshua is still there, watching him. Soonyoung doesn’t have the most control over his orgasm face but he does his absolute damnedest to look alluring as he ejaculates into this stranger’s mouth. The taboo of being caught by his friend is so fucking tantalizing. He has to put on a good performance. 

Virgo buttons him back up and kisses him when his orgasm has subsided. She pulls out his phone from his back pocket and puts her number into it before abandoning him in the stall. Soonyoung walks over to the sinks and washes his hands, not sure what else to do in this situation. Joshua appears next to him, apparently having come from the urinals. 

“You look like you’re having fun,” Joshua smirks. 

“So do you,” Soonyoung smiles back, the memory of Joshua’s face as he watched Soonyoung get blown hot on his mind. 

Joshua turns bright red and elbows him playfully, “Shut up, I didn’t know you’d be doing that .” 

“We looked good though, right?” Soonyoung asks. His heart is hammering in his chest with Joshua’s eyes on him after what he just witnessed.  

“She looked hot. You looked like you were having your first orgasm ever,” Joshua teases. 

“Fuck you!” 

“In your dreams.” 

They meet Jun back out in the bar. He’s seated at a table with what appears to be a bachelorette party, a bunch of American girls in tight dresses and sashes. One of them is wearing a cheap glittery tiara. Joshua and Soonyoung pop over the booth on either side of Jun, a squeal of delight coming from the women. 

“You having fun?” Soonyoung laughs at Jun. 

“They keep buying me drinks and calling me pretty,” Jun shrugs. 

They do the same for Soonyoung and Joshua. 

Two shots in, Joshua leans into them and whispers, “They’re pretty insufferable. Think I’m gonna pretend I don’t speak English so I don’t have to engage.” 

Three shots in and Soonyoung notices how fucked up he is, the room spinning, his actions hazy. 

Five shots in and all he can make out is a cab ride, the pressure in his bladder, and the eventual relief of pulling all his clothes off and crawling into bed. It’s Jun’s night to sleep alone. Joshua climbs in next to him after an agonizingly loud phone call in the bathroom. He’s equally naked. Soonyoung vaguely wonders if Jeonghan would mind this- Joshua sleeping nude next to another man. Sleep takes him before he can think about it too hard. 

~

In Las Vegas, Soonyoung calls Jihoon for the first time. 

It is only their second weekend of shows. He’d meant to call before this. When he’d read through their detailed itinerary back in Seoul, it had seemed like they’d have more than enough free time. Soonyoung didn’t factor in the exhaustion of jet lag, the car rides from venues to hotels, the length of meals, the weight of his muscles on his bones after three grueling nights of performances. So, he calls him in Las Vegas. 

“You sound tired,” Jihoon says. 

He sounds worried. Soonyoung is tired, but he doesn’t mind. He’s the kind of tired that comes from throwing yourself into your dream full force. 

“I’m having a really good time,” Soonyoung says. And then, “How’s my mom?” 

“She told you I visited?” Jihoon asks. 

“No. But I figured you would,” Soonyoung smiles. 

Jihoon has always been courteous to Soonyoung’s family. He’s always been courteous to his family and, as much as he might deny it, Jihoon is going to miss Soonyoung. Being back in Soonyoung’s childhood home, one of the places they grew up together, must be comforting for him. Soonyoung thinks he’d have gone to visit Jihoon’s parents, too, if Jihoon had been the one abroad. 

“You know you have a fan cam?” Jihoon asks.

“Oh, wow, I do?” Soonyoung cheers.

“Okay I don’t believe for a second that you haven’t looked that shit up,” Jihoon laughs. 

Soonyoung laughs too. Of course he’s looked it up. He’s made Jun watch his Oakland cam three separate times. He looked good that night. 

“Yeah, the girl says she’s going to be at all of our west coast shows on her social media. I hope someone else picks it up after she’s gone,” Soonyoung sighs. 

On the other end of the line, Jihoon yawns. 

“Long day?” Soonyoung asks. 

“It snowed. Seungkwan made me go to the cafe with him. I can’t fucking wait till he’s back to teaching,” Jihoon says, voice low. Seungkwan must still be awake in their apartment. 

“I miss Seungkwan,” Soonyoung says. 

He misses Seungkwan, and he’s jealous that Seungkwan gets to live with Jihoon. When they graduated, Jihoon had wanted a place by himself so desperately. It really got in the way of Soonyoung’s childhood fantasy of sharing an apartment with his best friend. Now Seungkwan gets to do it. It’s under the guise of money, but Soonyoung knows his friends well enough to know that they’ve gotten an apartment together to distract from missing him. 

“I miss you too. Tell me more about your day,” Soonyoung says. 

“Uh, I don’t know. I just worked on some music. Oh, some guy ate shit on the ice outside SVT. You would have thought it was so fucking funny,” Jihoon tells him. 

Soonyoung laughs. He really does like to watch people fall down. 

“He actually got pretty hurt. I had to like, bandage him up and shit,” Jihoon says. 

Soonyoung has a hard time picturing that. Jihoon is nice, but he isn’t exactly ‘providing medical care to a stranger’ nice. There’s a brief silence on the phone that sits uncomfortably somewhere in Soonyoung’s chest, something just a little off. 

“You have anything to do today?” Jihoon asks. 

“Yeah, Jun and Josh and I are going out for breakfast before we head to the airport,” Soonyoung says. 

He’s dreading it, actually. Soonyoung wants nothing more than an authentic Korean meal, and Jun wants Chinese, and Joshua has been obsessed with greasy American food the entire trip. They’re going to get into an argument. 

“I should get to bed anyway. It was nice talking to you,” Jihoon says. 

“I’ll post more videos on my social media, so you don’t have to keep scouring the internet for backup dancer fancams,” Soonyoung jokes. 

“Thanks for the heads up, I’ll mute you on my feed,” Jihoon teases. 

Soonyoung has tears in his eyes when he hangs up the phone. He misses Jihoon marginally more than before they’d talked. He wonders if this is what it’s like for Joshua every day, if he comes off each FaceTime call more upset than the last. 

~

“Jesus, you missed it again . It’s on seven- and Joshua. Not eight. Seven- and ,” Soonyoung calls from the front of the practice room. 

The dancers all file back to their places, most of the women outwardly annoyed. If Soonyoung is honest, he’s annoyed, too. This practice was supposed to last an hour maximum, but they’ve been sweating their asses off for nearly three. Beside him, Ryujin rests her head on his shoulder. 

“You should go rest,” he tells her as he starts the music over. 

“No thanks, Chaeryoung is angry with me,” she pouts. 

Soonyoung can’t argue with roommate drama. Besides, Ryujin is a great help running dance practice. Not all idols make time to share their thoughts and experience with the backup dancers. 

Joshua fucks it up two more times before finally, finally , nailing the choreography. Soonyoung thanks everyone for staying late. Ryujin offers to buy dinner. Only a few of the dancers accept, most of them heading back towards their rooms. Soonyoung can’t blame them. They’ve all got to be up at six in the morning for sound check. 

“You heading back up with Jun and I?” Soonyoung asks Joshua. 

He’s still camped out on the practice room floor, his water bottle between his knees. He looks exhausted. He hasn’t been sleeping, not as much as the rest of them. He sets quiet alarms on his phone at odd hours to make sure he gets a few calls in with Jeonghan a day. Soonyoung gets it. He loves his boyfriend, misses him, whatever. Soonyoung isn’t going to blame a guy for spending his free time chatting with his partner, but it’s more than that now. It’s fucking up his ability to perform. 

“No, I’m going to run it through a few more times,” Joshua says. 

Soonyoung thinks about convincing him to get some rest but, honestly, he could use the fucking practice. He and Jun wave him goodbye and trudge back up to their shared room. It is technically Soonyoung’s turn to sleep alone, but he joins Jun in bed after they’ve both showered. 

“Josh isn’t back up yet?” Soonyoung asks, toweling his hair dry. 

“Is it awful that I’m fine with that?” Jun asks. 

Soonyoung makes a face at him, but he doesn’t disagree. There are a lot of good things about being the only three male backup dancers on tour- only three of them to a hotel room, more attention on the stage, less competition between them. 

Moments like this make it more difficult. When one of them fucks up, they’re stuck with each other. No room swapping, little physical space to vent. 

“He’s exhausting himself trying to keep up with his life in Seoul,” Soonyoung agrees without explicitly agreeing. 

“He’s wasting his fucking time on tour. You could have had a boyfriend back home, but you were smart enough to enjoy this experience for what it is. I don’t know what he’s doing,” Jun says. 

Soonyoung’s face goes red. Jun knows him too well. They only met through this job, but they became fast friends, kindred spirits. Jun reminds Soonyoung so much of himself, but quieter. Calmer. What he could have been like if he’d ever learned that “stop and think before you act” skill all his teachers had been desperate to drill into his head. 

So, Jun knows about what he has with Jihoon and, maybe more accurately, what he doesn’t have with Jihoon. And Jun is right- he doesn’t regret his decision one bit. If he’d told Jihoon how he really felt about him, he’d be doing the same thing as Joshua and they’d both be miserable. 

“They’ve been together since college, though. I feel bad for them,” Soonyoung says instead. It feels more empathetic. 

“I know. I get why he’s doing what he’s doing, but it’s killing him. I want him to figure something else out for his sake,” Jun says. 

“And maybe so we can stop hearing those fucking three AM alarms?” Soonyoung jokes. 

Jun smiles and extends a hand over Soonyoung’s stomach.

“Speaking of, pass me my earplugs. I’ve gotta get some sleep,” he requests. 

Soonyoung does as he asks. He rolls out of Jun’s bed and flops into his own, enjoying the freedom of being able to starfish. Joshua still isn’t back in the room by midnight. Soonyoung might be annoyed with him, but he isn’t mean . He shoots his coworker a “Where r u?” and receives in return a “be back soon” . He considers going to check on Joshua, considers dragging him out of the studio and explaining that what he actually needs is rest . But Joshua is an adult, and Soonyoung is tired. He falls asleep before Joshua makes it back to the hotel room. When his alarm wakes him up at five for sound check, Joshua is sleeping soundly next to Jun. 

~

In Texas, they get a Friday night off. They’d all talked about going out again. Austin, according to Joshua’s research, has a wild gay scene. But their flight in had been delayed four hours, and it was pouring cold rain their entire way to the hotel. Joshua had been the first to bail on the idea of bar hopping, instead opting for a long bath in the hotel room. Soonyoung hadn’t wanted to be entirely boring. He’d coaxed Jun out of the room with promises of hotpot. The meal was delicious and so was, apparently, the man at one of the tables beside them. Jun had gone home with him, leaving Soonyoung to trek back to the hotel on his own. 

When he walks into the room sopping wet, Joshua is on the bed watching cable with a frown. Soonyoung pulls himself out of his wet clothes in the bathroom and towels off before joining Joshua in bed, outfitted in his coziest sweatshirt. 

“I kind of thought you were bailing on us to have a date night with Jeonghan,” Soonyoung tells him. 

“I was. Forgot he went to a party last night, though. He’s like, super hungover,” Joshua explains. 

“You talked to him a lot already this week,” Soonyoung offers. 

“Yeah.” 

“Jun’s getting laid,” Soonyoung says, something to distract Joshua from his misery. 

“Glad one of us is,” Josh laughs, hollow. 

“Hey, I got laid in LA!” Soonyoung argues. 

“Hoshi, that was, like, weeks ago. Back in Seoul you were talking about fucking after every concert,” Joshua laughs again, this time more authentic. 

Soonyoung grimaces. That makes him sound like a douchebag. Sure, he likes to have sex, but he wasn’t trying to brag about his conquests. 

“I hadn’t factored in just how tired I would be, like, one hundred percent of the time,” Soonyoung says. 

Joshua closes his eyes and sighs, long and deep. 

“I’m really tired, too,” he finally says. 

“Yeah, man. You never sleep,” Soonyoung says. 

“I know.” 

“Don’t you think you’d be happier if you did?” Soonyoung asks. 

“I don’t know. Sometimes I get so tired that I barely even miss Jeonghan. Is that… it’s messed up, isn’t it?” Joshua asks. 

It takes a good deal of restraint not to roll his eyes. Soonyoung has people he’s missing, too, but he doesn’t let himself get so worked up about it. Annoyed as he is, he isn’t an asshole. Annoyed as he is, he’s the lead dancer. He can’t let his own emotions cloud his judgement when one of his team members needs him. 

“I don’t think it’s messed up. I had things going on back in Seoul, too. But I’m not in Seoul. I’m here. And so are you,” Soonyoung tells him. 

Joshua opens his eyes and stares up at the ceiling. Eventually, he nods. He opens his mouth like he has something more to say, but nothing comes out. Soonyoung is curious, but he doesn’t know Joshua that well, not yet. They’ve had a few months of intense rehearsal together, sure, but that’s it. Even after living together for a month, it’s hard to feel as close with Joshua as he does with Jun when Johsua spends his every free moment phoning home. So, even if he knows that Joshua has more on his mind, he doesn’t ask. 

“So, what were you watching?” Soonyoung says. 

“Some home makeover show.” 

“Nice, turn it up.” 

~ 

Joshua fucks up on stage at the Prudential Center. It isn’t the first mistake of the tour. Chaeryoung missed the same kick three shows in a row. Jun slipped on a rogue strand of glitter in Oakland. Soonyoung himself- Hoshi on stage- was too far stage right and hit one of the female backup dancers with his elbow in Vegas. It happens . Hoshi, dance leader, knows that it happens. 

Soonyoung is having a hard time keeping that in mind as he seethes backstage. They’re all sweating in the men’s dressing room, make-up noonas hovered around them dabbing at their foreheads. There isn’t time to be upset about this right now. Their masks have been sliding down their faces the past few shows. What he needs to focus on is keeping still for the makeup team. 

He can’t stop replaying it in his mind, though. Joshua, two feet in front of him, hitting his goddamn barrel roll on eight . Joshua, who stayed up until three in the morning with his long-distance boyfriend. Joshua who nearly had a meltdown in the car because he left his phone charger at the hotel room. Joshua who has made them all stay late in rehearsal to practice the goddamn barrel roll only to fuck it up when it really matters. 

Hoshi keeps his mouth shut until they’re waiting on the platform that raises them up onto the stage for their final song. Hoshi turns to his right and looks at Joshua.

“You can’t make a mistake like that again,” he says. 

On his left, Jun goes completely stiff. Joshua turns to him. He thinks that they make eye contact from beneath their masks. It’s hard to tell. Hoshi doesn’t really know what the “can’t” in his statement means. He feels bad about it, instantly. 

“I know,” Joshua tells him. 

Both their heads turn back to the front. Above them, Lia hits a high note and the platform they’re standing on begins to ascend. 

The roar of the crowd doesn’t move Hoshi like it usually does. He can’t get the shake in Joshua’s voice to stop playing in his mind. 

It’s their last concert of the weekend, which means all the performers are going out for drinks. Soonyoung doesn’t exactly feel up for it. He sees Joshua packing up to head back to the hotel, though, and he sure as hell isn’t about to be left alone with him. He and Jun go out for pizza and beer with the ladies. Upset as he was on stage, the restaurant is fun. Jun is hilarious beside him, and Ryujin gets his banter like his friends back home. Soonyoung goes through a pitcher of beer on his own. He and Jun make it back to their shared hotel bed with their arms slung around one another. 

Soonyoung doesn’t dare to see if Joshua is still awake before passing out. 

~

Soonyoung is halfway back to his hotel room when he realizes he’s left his wallet in the large conference room they’ve commandeered for dance practice. He hops out of the elevator early and jogs towards the stairs, eager to crawl into bed and eat. He’s ecstatic to find the conference room door still unlocked, until he catches sight of Joshua in the corner of the room curled in on himself and weeping. 

His first thought is that it would have been a hell of a lot easier if he’d just let the hotel staff find his wallet and call up to his room. Now that he’s here watching the way Joshua’s chest shakes with each inhale, he feels bad . Pity takes root in his ribcage. It makes him want to solve this. Annoyed as he’s been with Joshua over the past few weeks, they’re friends. Something more than friends. Whatever special relationship it means to be unendingly with someone for months on end.

As Soonyoung approaches Joshua it becomes evident that he is on the phone. Soonyoung considers turning around and giving him privacy, but he can’t help but overhear Joshua’s conversation as he considers his options. 

“I’m sorry Jeonghan, that sucks,” Joshua is saying into the phone. His voice is steadier than his body, like he’s trying not to show how much he’s crying, “I know. I know. Yeah, but you know  that’s what he’s like, babe.”

Soonyoung’s pity is quickly replaced by indignation. Joshua is sitting on the dirty carpeted floor of a hotel conference room sobbing in the middle of the night while his boyfriend complains about-

To be fair, Soonyoung has no concept of the importance of whatever Jeonghan is complaining about, but he’s still upset for Joshua’s sake. 

“Hey, Joshua,” Soonyoung says into the quiet room. 

Joshua startles, turning towards him. His eyes are wet and puffy. Soonyoung doubts the redness will subside before their concert tomorrow evening. 

“Hoshi,” Joshua says to him and then, into the phone, “Jeonghan, my roommate just came downstairs to get me. Hold on?” 

“I just… came to check on you,” Soonyoung lies. 

“You sure you didn’t come for this?” Joshua asks, brandishing Soonyoung’s wallet. 

Soonyoung laughs and blushes. He feels dumb being caught redhanded. 

“Why not both?” he jokes. 

Joshua holds up a single finger and he uses his other hand to slip Soonyoung’s wallet back into his pocket. Soonyoung takes that as an invitation to sit down. 

“My dance captain needs to run through some stuff with me- yeah, yes this late. I know. Okay. I will. Love you too,” Joshua speaks into the phone. 

He presses the end button and slams his phone on the ground. Now that he’s not chatting with Jeonghan, all semblance of performative okay-ness leaves his face. Soonyoung has never seen Joshua so upset. He doesn’t think he’s ever seen anyone besides Seungkwan and maybe, maybe , Jihoon this upset. Joshua curls into himself again and cries. Soonyoung doesn’t know what to do besides place his hands comfortingly on each of Joshua’s knees. It is uncomfortable. Were this Seungkwan, his friend would have leaned against his chest, and Soonyoung would have stroked his hair, and then they both would have made bad jokes until Seungkwan’s tears turned into laughter. 

Joshua doesn’t lean into him. He cries by himself, an arm’s length away. Soonyoung’s hands remain glued to his knees. The crying goes on for far longer than Soonyoung is comfortable with. When it subsides, it isn’t into laughter and friendly banter. A silence creeps into the room. Soonyoung feels compelled to break it. 

“It doesn’t sound like you were having a very good conversation,” Soonyoung comments. 

It makes Joshua laugh. Not a lighthearted laugh, but something dark and sad. Soonyoung’s hands, still on Joshua’s knees, grip him tighter, fingers digging into skin. 

“He wants to come visit me,” Joshua tells him. 

Soonyoung doesn’t quite understand the despair in Joshua’s tone. He would have thought that this news would lift Joshua’s spirits. 

“Okay, cool. When? I’m sure Jun and I can arrange to be out of the room for awhile so you two can…” Soonyoung offers. 

“God, no, I- I don’t know if he should come. I don’t think I want him to come,” Joshua says. 

“Oh. Hey, I don’t understand,” Soonyoung says. 

“You know I’m already fucking things up here. If he were around I… I’d just be thinking about him, and wanting to spend time with him, and when he left I’d… I just don’t think he should come,” Joshua says. 

Soonyoung smiles. He doesn’t realize he’s doing it until Joshua laughs at him again, rolling his eyes. 

“Sorry,” Soonyoung apologizes. 

“I get it. It’s better for you if he doesn’t come,” Joshua says. 

“Seems like it might be better for you, too,” Soonyoung says before he can think better of it. 

“I know I’m letting you all down. I’m not stupid, I know what you and Jun think. I’m trying to figure out a way to manage him and this at the same time,” Joshua says. 

“You know, I’ve got someone back home too. Maybe not in the same way, but he’s there. And he never makes me feel like this,” Soonyoung says. 

And it’s true. Jihoon would never ask him to stay up so late to talk the night before a performance. He’d never tell Soonyoung to skip a night out with his coworkers to FaceTime. He’d never ask to visit . 

Maybe it’s why they’ve only kissed once in all the years they’ve had feelings for each other. If that’s true, Soonyoung doesn’t know that he cares. He wouldn’t trade performing for anything, including Jihoon. 

“I barely ever see you talking to friends from back home,” Joshua says. 

“Yeah, because I’m doing this right now,” Soonyoung says. 

“You don’t miss them?” Joshua asks. 

“Of course I do. And I do talk to them sometimes. But I’m having fun on tour. Are you ?” Soonyoung replies. 

Joshua is quiet for a long time. He stares down at the place where Soonyoung’s hands connect with his legs. It brings Soonyoung’s attention to just how clammy his palms are. He hopes that Joshua can’t feel it through his sweatpants. 

“I want to be,” Joshua finally says. 

“Okay. So, do it. You had fun in LA. Do it again,” Soonyoung says. 

Joshua blushes. Soonyoung can’t help but suspect that he’s thinking about walking in on him getting a blowjob in the bathroom of that club. 

Shit. He’d meant to text that drag performer back weeks ago. It’s probably useless, now, halfway across the country. It is certainly useless in this conversation with Joshua. Soonyoung links their hands together and smiles, doing his best to be encouraging. 

“I’m going to say something annoying,” Joshua says. 

“Okay,” Soonyoung laughs, “I’ll brace myself.” 

He puts on a performatively steeled face, just to get a smile out of Joshua. It works. 

“I feel guilty for wanting to spend less time on the phone with Jeonghan. I want to be more focused on things here. I know this is some once in a lifetime stuff. But he’s miserable. And I don’t think anyone besides me knows,” Joshua confesses. 

“Hey, man, that’s on him,” Soonyoung says. 

Joshua frowns. 

“No, really. It’s nice that you want to support your boyfriend, but he needs to talk to his friends about things if he’s that upset. See, this is exactly why I made Jihoon and Seungkwan live together before I went on tour, so they could both cry about missing me together,” Soonyoung says. 

“I get that. But I still feel guilty,” Joshua tells him. 

“Okay, well, maybe from now on, you tell me when you’re feeling guilty, and I can find a way to distract you,” Soonyoung beams. 

It makes Joshua blush again. Soonyoung can’t infer the reason for it, this time. 

“Yeah,” Joshua slowly agrees, “Sure.” 

Soonyoung stands with a groan, his legs sore from practicing all day. He extends his hand out to Joshua and helps him to his feet. They take the elevator back up to their floor, Soonyoung’s arm slung comfortingly around Joshua’s shoulders. 

~

Soonyoung can’t stop laughing. He doesn’t often get to spend time with Itzy outside of the practice room but they are so, so funny. The alcohol helps, filling Soonyoung’s chest bright and bubbly. He isn’t quite at the point of the night where the room is spinning. Or, maybe, he is, but his comfortable spot on Ryujin’s bed is blanketing him from the full effects of it. He’s definitely drunk enough that he’s agreed to a game of truth or dare. 

This wasn’t what he intended for tonight. He’d promised Joshua a big night out, no phone stress, no job stress. Just him and Jun and Joshua drunk and gay in Atlanta. He hadn’t had the inside scoop into gay clubs in this city that he’d had in LA, but damn if he doesn’t have Google. He had the name of a neighborhood, cab money, and the backup of just showing people Jun and Joshua’s gay outfits until someone pointed them in the right direction. 

But Lia had invited all the dancers to Ryujin’s hotel suite for a party, and they could hardly say no. 

“Hoshi! Hoshi!” 

Hoshi’s attention is brought back to the game. He rocks himself up to sitting, leaning into Jun for support. 

“My turn?” he asks. 

“Yeah, so, truth or dare?” 

“Truth,” Soonyoung responds. 

A chorus of “boring” rings out around him. 

“Oh shut up, you all just made Chaeryoung drink whatever that is!” Soonyoung whines, pointing at the horrid concoction of beverages and hotel condiments that is sitting on the bedside table. 

“And I wasn’t too much of a coward to drink it. But okay, truth. What’s your most embarrassing sex story?” Chaeryoung asks. 

Soonyoung knows that it isn’t physically possible for him to feel Jun smile as he leans against his shoulder, but he swears that he does. 

“You better tell the real one,” Jun says. 

“Can’t I just tell the one about Joshua walking in on me getting a blowjob?” Soonyoung laughs. 

“You can tell us about both,” Ryujin says deadpan from the opposite bed. 

“Or you can not,” Joshua blushes beside her. 

“I guess the Joshua one is kind of boring. I was getting head in a public bathroom, he walked in and watched me finish,” Soonyoung tells the group. 

If Joshua was pink before, he’s bright red now. 

Around them lively conversation erupts. Hoshi encourages it, adding in details about Joshua’s face and the other couples having sex in the bathroom at the club to keep them interested. Joshua is silent through it. Soonyoung hopes that it isn’t in anger. He sends him a few smiles to test the waters, but is a bit too drunk to remember to pay attention to Joshua’s reaction. Either way, his plan to distract the crowd worked. They’re all thrilled knowing that Joshua has seen him naked, and he is relieved not to have to share his came-too-fast-during-a-threesome story. 

The game moves on. Jun is dared to send a text to his ex, a task he takes up with a frustrating calmness. Ryujin confesses that her biggest fear is something happening to her family while she’s abroad. Joshua has to send an ass picture to the person he most recently texted (who is, to Jun and Soonyoung’s absolute glee, not Jeonghan). All too soon it is Soonyoung’s turn again. He’s revved up by the energy of the game this go-around. 

“Dare,” he grins at the group. 

Jun’s face morphs into something that Soonyoung has never seen before, evil and plotting. Soonyoung’s stomach bottoms out. Jun leans in close and whispers his dare into Soonyoung’s ear. 

“I dare you to give Joshua a lap dance,” Jun says. 

Soonyoung’s face goes bright red. 

“Dude, what?” Soonyoung exclaims. 

“Everyone already loved the story you told,” Jun says, now at a normal volume. 

Joshua pales across from them, knowing the dare must somehow involve him. 

As shocked as Soonyoung was by the request, he isn’t opposed to it. He sleeps next to Joshua two or three times a week, often in their underwear. He’s seen him naked backstage. Jun’s right- Joshua’s even seen his O-face. 

“He dared me to give you a lapdance,” Soonyoung begins, “That okay with you?” 

Joshua’s face is, suddenly, no longer pale. He’s bright red and blinking too fast. The girls in the room begin to cat-call them. Soonyoung is kind of feeding on the attention, his heart beating fast in that same way it does when he’s on stage. 

“I’ll make it fun for you,” Hoshi tells Joshua. 

“Yeah, fine,” Joshua says, rolling his eyes. 

Hoshi thinks that the eyeroll is just for show. 

The thing is, Soonyoung has never given a lap dance before. Hell, he’s never even been to a club where lap dances are being given. He’s already in Joshua’s lap by the time he realizes this, far too late to back out. He puts his hands on Joshua’s shoulders and puts on a smirk.

Lap dances are supposed to look like someone riding your cock, he assumes, so he does just that. Soonyoung puts himself in his bottom mindframe and simulates grinding down on Joshua’s dick, making sure his ass doesn’t actually contact any part of Joshua’s body. Joshua looks startled only for a second. Something dark glazes over Joshua’s eyes. Soonyoung thinks it might be lust. And, yeah. Hoshi’s good at riding dick. This should make Joshua horny.  

Hoshi is urged on by the adrenaline of applause. He, probably, looks like a fool gyrating on Joshua’s lap, but the crowd loves it. 

Maybe Joshua is just a good actor, but Soonyoung thinks that he might love it, too. His hands come to rest on Soonyoung’s hips while he writhes. His jaw is locked, mouth unreadable, but there’s still that desire in his eyes that Soonyoung reads as genuine. 

Joshua isn’t alone. Hoshi feels warmth stirring inside him. The press of Joshua’s legs against his inner thighs, the warmth of his palms, the way his cologne just barely masks the scent of sweat and alcohol, that dark heat in his eyes. Yeah, yeah, Soonyoung is feeling this. 

As soon as that hits him- his attraction, his desire for Joshua- he starts to laugh. That, combined with the alcohol, throws him off balance. He leans into Joshua’s chest and giggles, almost entirely out of control of his own body. God, yeah, he’s really fucking attracted to his taken coworker , Joshua Hong. Joshua pats him a few times on the back. Soonyoung sloughs off of him, wiggling around on the bed until he’s facing the group again. 

“I’m ready to play a different game,” he whines. 

“Yeah, turns out I did not need to see all that,” Chaeryoung agrees, sticking her tongue out playfully towards Soonyoung. 

Soonyoung takes another shot of alcohol. Things get hazier for him after that, a fog of drinks and laughter and loud music. He only solidifies the memory of traipsing through the halls of the hotel back to their room piss drunk because Jun drops their key card down the elevator shaft and they’ve got to walk to the front desk in shame to acquire a new one.  

It’s Joshua’s turn to have the bed to himself. It is disappointing. Soonyoung’s drunk-brain hasn’t completely stopped thinking about being in Joshua’s lap. Soonyoung likes to be with someone when he’s drunk. There hasn’t been nearly as much time for hooking up during this tour as he had imagined. In that moment, grinding on Joshua in front of all their close friends, he’d had to admit how convenient Joshua would be. Hot and convenient. 

Hot, convenient, and in a relationship. 

Maybe it is for the best that it’s Joshua’s turn to have a bed to himself. 

Soonyoung climbs in next to Jun, both of them in t-shirts and boxers. While Joshua is washing up in the bathroom, Soonyoung rolls over towards Jun and presses himself against his back. When this doesn’t get Jun’s attention, he shakes him out of his light sleep. 

“You’re mean,” Soonyoung whispers to him. 

Jun grumbles about being woken up, but there’s a satisfied smile plain on his face. 

“Thought you’d like the attention,” Jun says. 

“But didn’t you think about how hot he is?” Soonyoung whines. 

Jun flips onto his back, suddenly looking much less satisfied. 

“Soonyoung, don’t,” he says. 

Soonyoung . No one uses that name with him, here. 

“You’re mad,” Soonyoung comments. 

“He has a boyfriend, dumbass,” Jun tells him. 

Soonyoung knows . It’s why he’d never even considered Joshua as an option before. Soonyoung did his share of fucking guys with boyfriends in college. It hadn’t felt great for anyone. It hadn’t felt great the way Jihoon judged him for it, back then. 

But Jun had to go and dare him to give Joshua a lap dance, and now he can’t stop thinking about how hot he is. 

“I’m not going to do anything. I’m not an asshole,” Soonyoung reassures him. 

“We’ve got to get you laid. I know your friends told me you were slutty before we went on tour, but Jesus, ” Jun laughs. 

“I mean, we could always…” Soonyoung suggests, half-joking. 

“I’ve already told you I friendzoned you,” Jun snorts. 

“No fun,” Soonyoung pouts, throwing a leg and an arm over Jun. 

“What’s no fun?” Joshua asks. 

He exits their bathroom with a towel wrapped around his waist, and Soonyoung thinks that his soul might leave his body. 

“Hoshi was just trying to convince me to fuck him again,” Jun says. 

“I was joking! ” Soonyoung defends himself. 

“I get it. Jun’s hot. He’s out of your league though, Hoshi,” Joshua says, deadpan, as he drops his towel to pull on clean underwear. 

Soonyoung genuinely thinks he might pass away. He pulls the covers up over his head and falls into a restless, drunken slumber to the sound of Jun’s cackling beside him. 

~

“We were fucking fire tonight!” Hoshi exclaims, flopping back onto bed. 

He falls so hard that Joshua pops up in the spot beside him, laughing at Hoshi’s energy. They’re both half-damp and half-dressed from their recent showers, Jun now taking his turn in their hotel bathroom. 

“I can’t believe your fancam girl followed you to Canada. You think she got a passport just for this?” Joshua asks. 

“You saw her?” Hoshi responds. 

Joshua rolls over onto his side and props his head up on his elbow to look at Soonyoung. 

“I think so. She’s got purple hair, right?” Joshua says. 

Hoshi nods. He feels electric. He knew the thrill of tour would get him off, but he never expected to have a fan , let alone one who follows him across the States and into Canada. It isn’t as if he’s an idol in his own right. He’s just a backup dancer- he doesn’t even feature in all of Itzy’s songs. A good sixty percent of his job is just lifting the ladies. 

He’d be lying if he said it didn’t feel good, though. Sometimes it makes him regret not auditioning for a company when he was still in middle school. 

“You think I could have made it as an idol?” Soonyoung asks. 

Joshua stares back at him with such thoughtfulness that Soonyoung thinks he might melt under his gaze. It’s been like this since Itzy’s party last week. Insignificant details about Joshua have been knocking him off balance- the way he pushes himself out of bed in the morning, his hair sticking up after dance practice, his quiet gaze out the window when they drive home after a concert. He has very rapidly gone from one of Soonyoung’s hot friends to Soonyoung’s unbearably attractive friend. 

“I think you could still make it as an idol in some small company or something,” Joshua tells him. 

Soonyoung hits him, gently, his forearm lingering on Joshua’s chest. 

“Stop trying to flatter me,” Soonyoung laughs. 

“I’m not. I know you’re too old to make it with like, SM or something. But I bet you could have as a kid,” Joshua says. 

Soonyoung beams. He likes to think that, too, privately. 

Sometimes, by himself, he wonders what things would have been like without Jihoon’s support when he was growing up. He wonders if he would have had to push himself harder, take more risks, if Jihoon hadn’t been there helping him study for university exams. 

He’s not upset to have an MFA in dance, not by far, not when it’s taken him here , just a few years shy of being recruited as a choreographer for a major idol label. Still, there will always be that “what if” deep in his chest. What if he’d grown up closer to the city, what if Jihoon hadn’t had this perfect plan for them to live out their dreams together, what if he auditioned for YG or JYP or SM. 

“I think I would have made a really great maknae,” Soonyoung smiles. 

Joshua shakes his head, “You would have been a leader.” 

It’s hard not to blush. That’s what Soonyoung would have wanted, but he’s not such a narcissist to say it himself. It feels good to hear Joshua say it. 

Soonyoung’s mind darts to Jeonghan. Enamoured as Soonyoung is, Joshua has a striking, loving boyfriend who he is having a mostly-positive time with. 

“Are things better with Jeonghan?” Soonyoung asks. 

Joshua blinks a whole bunch of times. 

“We had that whole serious conversation,” Soonyoung explains himself, “But I haven’t really had time to check in with you afterwards.” 

Joshua turns himself over and goes back to staring at the ceiling. Soonyoung briefly misses the weight of his gaze. 

“I think he’s gearing up to officially offer to come visit me on tour,” Joshua says. 

“And?”

“And I’m going to say no. I already said no to FaceTiming with him tonight. I… wanted to hang out with you and Jun, instead,” Joshua admits. 

Soonyoung’s mood skyrockets right back up to glowing. He knows that he shouldn’t be hoping for problems in Joshua’s long term relationship. He also knows that whatever dance Joshua is currently doing with Jeonghan isn’t good for either of them. He’s thrilled that Joshua is finally present . 

And, if it pisses Jeonghan off enough to get Soonyoung a fraction of an inch closer to giving Joshua another lap dance, so be it. 

“Okay, the silent smile is terrifying,” Joshua frowns. 

Soonyoung pounces on him, arms and legs straddling Joshua as Joshua continues to lay flat on the bed. 

“You’re doing the right thing. We can make this fun for you,” Soonyoung tells him. 

“I was wrong, this is much scarier,” Joshua says, but he’s laughing. 

“Seriously, Jun and I have so much fun, you know? Tonight we were going to order room service and talk,” Soonyoung explains. 

And, really, that is most of what he and Jun do together. Joshua isn’t unaware of that. He’s just usually on the periphery- in the bathroom or out in the hall on his phone while Hoshi makes Jun laugh so hard that water shoots out of his nose. It might not be especially glamorous, but it’s fun and intimate and something Joshua would regret missing out on one day. 

“I could be very into that,” Joshua says. 

The bathroom door opens, and Soonyoung’s ass gets whipped by a wet towel. Jun joins them on the bed, legs criss-cross, and pushes Soonyoung on the shoulder. 

“Stop flirting with him, he’s married,” Jun jokes. 

“I’m having fun!” Hoshi pouts, but he moves off of Joshua. 

Jun is right. He might have this newly-found hard on for Joshua, but that doesn’t mean he should be acting on it. 

“Is that your idea of flirting?” Joshua snorts. 

“Hey, I’m great at flirting,” Hoshi defends himself.

“Really? Then when’s the last time you got laid?” Jun teases. 

“We’re busy ,” Hoshi whines. 

“I think he’s selfish in bed too. When I saw him getting that blowjob, he didn’t even offer to reciprocate,” Joshua smirks. 

“She was in her whole outfit! There was like, tape and stuff!” Hoshi says.

He walks himself dramatically across the room and lays down on the empty bed while Jun and Joshua laugh at him. Despite his act, Soonyoung is happy. This is what he’d wanted when he first found out that Jun and Joshua would be his bunk mates on tour- the three of them in an extended, pseudo-sleepover. His heart feels full, like his first time on a stadium stage, like the moment Joshua walked him into his first gay club. This, right now, is the tour Soonyoung had wanted. 

~

When he lived in Seoul, Soonyoung used to despise Wednesdays. It’s different in show business, on tour. Now, Wednesday means landing in a new location, Wednesday means unpacking at a hotel, Wednesday means rest . 

For Soonyoung, rest often means exploring a new city. He likes to visit highly rated restaurants and send selfies posing in front of tourist traps to Seungkwan and Seokmin. Today, Soonyoung has opted to let Jun and Joshua go off on their own. They’ve arrived at their latest hotel early enough to actually catch Jihoon on the phone before he falls asleep. So, he’s splayed out starfish style on one of the beds, phone pressed to his ear. 

“Wait, so who’s this guy again?” Soonyoung speaks into the phone. 

There’s silence on the other side of the line where Jihoon is usually chatty, direct. Soonyoung doesn’t like it. 

“I told you, Seunkwan knows him from the cafe. And he was Seungcheol’s roommate,” Jihoon explains. 

“You mean Seungcheol’s shitty roommate?” Soonyoung asks. 

Soonyoung is being too critical of Jihoon’s new friend. He met this Wonwoo character a few months ago now. And, usually, Soonyoung loves when Jihoon brings home a new pal. Just, usually, he’s there to actually meet the guy. Usually he’s there to maintain his role as Jihoon’s Best Friend in person. Usually Jihoon isn’t this cagey about it. 

Usually Seungkwan hasn’t called Soonyoung ahead of time to tell him about Jihoon’s “adorable crush”. 

“Don’t be a dick, you don’t know the whole story,” Jihoon chastises him. 

Soonyoung is, without a doubt, being a dick. He isn’t stupid, isn’t lacking in introspection. He’s jealous and he knows it. It is laughably hypocritical. Jihoon has endured dozens of Soonyoung’s crushes. He must know Soonyoung is hooking up with people on tour, too, if less often than anticipated. 

Soonyoung is the one who left. Soonyoung is the one who hadn’t mentioned a goddamn word about their kiss. Jihoon should be out meeting other guys. Dating. Being happy. Whatever . 

“I’m just giving you shit. I’m sure he’s very nice. Can’t wait to meet him,” Soonyoung says, barely managing a kind tone. 

“You’re being jealous,” Jihoon tells him, blunt. 

“It just seems like I should have been more general when I asked you not to replace me with Seungkwan. I meant don’t replace me with anyone, ” Soonyoung whines. 

Soonyoung expects Jihoon to come back with some sarcastic, joking remark, something about how Jihoon’s already forgotten him. 

“You know you’re irreplaceable, dumbass,” Jihoon says instead. And then, “I’m thinking about dating Wonwoo.” 

Soonyoung feels like he’s been slapped in the face. He wonders if this is how Jihoon’s felt their entire friendship watching him sleep around and date and fall in love. 

“I can’t remember the last time you liked someone,” Soonyoung responds. 

It’s stupid, and it’s a lie. Soonyoung remembers exactly the last time Jihoon liked someone, his mouth pressed against Soonyoung’s inside his Hyundai Sonata. 

“He’s polyamorous,” Jihoon offers. 

“I don’t know what that means,” Soonyoung says.

This statement is also stupid, and a lie. Soonyoung knows exactly what polyamory is. He just doesn’t know what it means for them . He doesn’t know what any of this means for them, this crush or this tour. 

“He’s got a boyfriend that he lives with. He seems nice,” Jihoon says. 

Soonyoung gets angry. Like every other emotion he’s felt in the past twenty minutes, it is hypocritical. All Soonyoung has ever done to Jihoon is fuck other guys. Knowing that Jihoon is only one of the guys Wonwoo is seeing feels unbearable. If Wonwoo really liked Jihoon, Jihoon would be enough for him. 

Soonyoung should know. He loves Jihoon, romantically, platonically. He loves Jihoon in practically all the ways he’s ever loved anyone. But Jihoon, clearly, isn’t enough for him. If he were, Soonyoung wouldn’t be on tour chasing his career. 

If Jihoon is going to be with someone who isn’t Soonyoung, it should be someone who thinks that Jihoon is enough.

“That doesn’t bother you?” Soonyoung asks. 

“I thought it was kind of perfect, actually,” Jihoon says.

He sounds angry, too. Like he’d thought Soonyoung would have a different reaction to all this. 

“Okay, well, let me know how that works out,” Soonyoung tells him. 

“You’re dating on tour, aren’t you?” Jihoon asks. 

He’s trying to call Soonyoung out. Soonyoung doesn’t need the external pressure- he already knows he’s being unfair. 

“I hooked up with a few people when we first got here. But not really, no,” Soonyoung says. 

This, finally, is the truth. When Soonyoung thinks about it, really thinks about it, he could have slept with more people. He could have called the people he has fucked back. But how could he when he and Jihoon-

“Soonyoung, I-” Jihoon begins. 

Soonyoung doesn’t want to hear it. He isn’t home and Jihoon likes another man and he is so, so tired from travel and concerts and being the dance leader and managing the feelings of his coworkers. Soonyoung can’t think about this right now, can’t think about Jihoon, not when he can’t be with Jihoon. 

“Oh, shit, I’m sorry, Jun is calling me- I’m gonna have to go. I’ll talk to you next week?” Soonyoung blurts out. 

“Yeah. Sure. Okay, Soonyoung,” Jihoon says. 

“Love you!” Soonyoung tells him. 

It isn’t unlike them to say “I love you”, but Soonyoung knows his motivation for doing it here is a bit more pointed. 

“Yeah, love you too,” Jihoon responds. 

His voice is flat, like he knows what Soonyoung is doing, because of course he knows what Soonyoung is doing. He knows Soonyoung better than anyone. That has always been the problem. 

Soonyoung doesn’t cry often, but he finds tears streaming down his face as he presses the end button on his phone. It isn’t that he thinks he fucked up his relationship with Jihoon. He thinks, no matter what, that they will always be in each other’s lives. He’s just gotten terribly used to their specific dynamic. He likes the idea of Jihoon at home, waiting for him. The introduction of a boyfriend- polyamorous or not- changes that. It changes everything. 

Soonyoung lays in bed with his phone shoved safely under the pillow for what feels like an hour before he is interrupted by the sound of a keycard sliding into the door. He’s long since stopped himself from crying, but does his best to pull himself out of his funk entirely. He doesn’t need his roommates knowing how upset he is about romance, of all things. 

When Joshua storms into the room, it becomes clear to Hoshi that his fake smile is both unnecessary and unwarranted in the conversation that is about to go down. 

Joshua throws his bag onto the floor in a way that is very unlike himself. Hoshi looks on in shock as Joshua collapses on the bed and screams into his pillow. It’s so loud that Hoshi is vaguely worried that hotel staff might come to check up on them. Concerned, Hoshi moves himself next to Joshua. When he finishes screaming into the bed, he looks up at Hoshi with dead eyes. 

“Jeonghan fucking broke up with me,” Joshua says. 

“Oh, wow, I did not see that coming,” Hoshi replies. 

The honesty of it makes Joshua laugh. 

“Me either,” Joshua agrees. 

“What the hell happened?” Hoshi asks. 

“I don’t know. Maybe I did see this coming. He asked to come visit and I… I just talked about what you and I have talked about, you know? Like, where would he sleep? When would I even have time to see him?” Joshua says. 

“He probably didn’t like that,” Hoshi says. 

“He asked why we were even together if I didn’t want to see him, and then he asked to take a break,” Joshua says. 

“A break?” 

“Bullshit, right? Like, either you’re in this or you aren’t. He… didn’t really like hearing that either. Asked me if I wanted to just call it a full breakup,” Joshua explains. 

“And you did?” 

“I wanted him to stop being a jackass,” Joshua says, “But he wouldn’t, so, yeah, we broke up.” 

Soonyoung has walked Seungkwan through heartbreak a hundred times over. He knows that his friend usually likes to be held, touched. He doesn’t feel confident enough to manhandle Joshua in the same way, so he lays down next to him and angles his knees so that they’re touching Joshua’s legs. Like an invitation. 

Joshua doesn’t take it, but he doesn’t shrink away either. Instead he lays stick-straight on his stomach, arms cradling his head. He doesn’t cry, or yell, or close his eyes. He just lays there looking at Hoshi. Looking past Hoshi. 

It drags on. Hoshi hears both their phones chime a few times, inevitably Jun in the group chat. He doesn’t think it’s appropriate to move to check, not with Joshua near-catatonic, so he doesn’t. 

The laying grows boring quickly. Hoshi takes to playing with the minutiae of the physical distance between them as a means of entertainment. He presses his knees ever so slightly against Joshua’s thighs. He inches his hand forward little by little until his fingers graze Joshua’s nearest elbow. He extends his leg so their shins align. 

This isn’t the moment to be noticing, even more than he had before, all the little parts of Joshua that make him so beautiful. Soonyoung can’t seem to help himself, though, not when the afternoon sun makes Joshua’s skin glow gold, not when his eyelashes are so long and thick, not when his long fingers come to hold Soonyoung’s. He knows that it isn’t Joshua coming on to him- it is just his heartbroken friend seeking comfort. That doesn’t stop Soonyoung from dreaming, from imagining. An hour ago Joshua was hot and off limits. Now he’s… 

“Do you think I was being a shitty boyfriend?” Joshua asks. 

Hoshi is glad that something stopped his selfish train of thought. As attracted to Joshua as he’s rapidly realizing that he is, now is not the time . 

“I don’t think so. You’re allowed to want to prioritize something that isn’t just your relationship, you know?” Hoshi responds. 

“I know. I know. That’s why I’m here, and I know he wants me to be here. It was just too hard for me to figure out a good balance,” Joshua says, and then curls in on himself and begins, finally, to properly cry. 

Hoshi holds him tightly, fingers rubbing comforting circles into the skin of his back. Joshua is more distracted now by his own sobs, so Hoshi takes the opportunity to reach for his phone and shoot Jun a heads up. 

Their wonderful, caring roommate shows up not fifteen minutes later with three bags of takeout and snacks. It certainly isn’t the diet they should be following on tour, but damn if greasy food and sweet snacks aren’t the prescription for a heartbreak. Joshua puts a cable show on the hotel TV, and Jun and Hoshi for once don’t complain about their inability to understand the dialogue. They spend their day like this, Jun and Hoshi on either side of Joshua, doing their best to make him laugh. 

It is almost enough to distract Soonyoung from how much of a douchebag he’d been to Jihoon over the phone. 

~

Soonyoung’s downfall is that he starts sleeping with people. 

It isn’t all the time, and it isn’t dating. It’s just a quick fuck after going out to a bar, a handjob with a local stagehand after a concert. Jun is extraordinarily supportive, although Hoshi suspects that his encouragement is more about having time alone in the room than it is about excitement regarding Hoshi’s sex life. 

And, okay, downfall is a bit too harsh of a word. Hoshi isn’t having a breakdown, or a scandal, or being asked to leave tour. 

Hoshi is a few hours too short on sleep and bleeding backstage. He doesn’t even know what he caught his ankle on- presumably some rough piece of wood below the stage. He doesn’t plan to tell anyone about it. Putting weight on his foot isn’t easy, but it’s possible. Their next costume involves very high black socks. He’s got them on already, his boots pressed painfully against his wound. 

The next five minutes are going to be hell, but it’s the last routine he has to perform for the night. He takes deep, steading breaths as he, Jun, and Joshua kneel on the platform that raises them onto the stage. He only notices that Joshua is looking at him intensely when his friend leans in close.

“What’s wrong?” Joshua whispers to him. 

Shit.

“Nothing,” Hoshi shakes his head. 

“You better tell me after,” Joshua says. 

And then they’re being lifted up in front of the crowd. 

Hoshi was correct, the entire song is hell. It becomes clear to him thirty seconds in that he is still actively bleeding. All he can do is hope that his sock and his boot keep it contained. He probably would get fired if a member of Itzy slipped on his blood. He doesn’t dance as well as he normally does, can’t hit moves as hard. All he can do is perform through the pain, put it all in his face and aura because his body will not listen. 

Joshua makes it worse. Hoshi can plainly see Joshua send glances his way. He’s checking up on Hoshi, trying to see what’s wrong, waiting to see if he has to help. 

Hoshi makes damn sure no one has to do anything for him on stage. This is his career, his passion, his life. He makes it fucking work.

And then it’s over. Jun and Joshua and Hoshi exit stage left, replaced by the female dancers. Hoshi nearly collapses just shy of the curtain. Joshua is there to grab him, Jun only a few short paces behind. 

“You’re an idiot,” Joshua tells him.

He and Jun snake their arms under Hoshi’s shoulders and help him back into the dressing room. 

“What happened?” Jun asks him.

“My ankle,” Hoshi says.

The words coming out of his throat sound pained. He props his foot up on the table in front of him and Joshua starts taking off his boot. 

Blood has seeped through his sock, the evidence all over Joshua’s hands. 

“ Fuck ,” Jun curses, “I’m going to get a medic. Put pressure on that, Joshua.” 

Joshua peels Hoshi’s long sock off. The cut isn’t as bad as Hoshi had assumed, based purely on the amount of blood. Joshua finds a fresh towel and presses it against the wound, his opposite hand braced on Hoshi’s thigh. 

“You should have told me,” Joshua says.

“Didn’t want to worry you all. We had to perform,” Hoshi brushes him off. 

“Hoshi, I don’t give a fuck about the concert. I know you’re the dance lead, and that you think you have to be perfect for all of us all of the time, but you’re seriously hurt. I’m your hyung. You have to let me take care of you sometimes,” Joshua says.

He looks serious. Hoshi nods, vaguely woozy. 

When Jun returns with a medic his friends sit themselves on either side of him. One of them has their hand in his sweat-damp hair. He is far too focused on the sting of antiseptic to decipher which one. Looking at the concern on the medic’s face, he knows he’s going to be sent to the hospital before it is said aloud. Even still, he protests when the call is made. 

“I have to debrief the dancers before I go,” Hoshi tells them. 

“No, you don’t. I’ll take care of it,” Jun argues. 

Hoshi wants to put up a bigger fight, but Jun is plenty capable of running a wrap-up meeting. If Hoshi hadn’t gotten the position of lead dancer, it would have been Jun. He isn’t upset about letting Jun run this because he thinks that Jun can’t handle it. It’s just that if Jun is here covering for him, he won’t be at the hospital with Hoshi. 

Soonyoung has been to the emergency room exactly once before. He’d gotten alcohol poisoning after a particularly irresponsible night his second year of college. Jihoon had sat with him the whole night, despite being drunk himself. The prospect of getting stitches alone, surrounded by doctors that he can’t even communicate with, is horrifying. 

“Will a translator come with me?” Soonyoung asks the medic. 

“Oh, um, I’m not sure. I’ll have to grab a manager,” the medic responds. 

“I’ll go with you,” Joshua offers, stopping the medic. 

In the back of his mind, Soonyoung is aware that there are translators available for emergency situations such as this. He doesn’t voice this. It sounds much more comforting for his hyung to accompany him rather than a stranger he’d have to make awkward conversation with. 

Someone still has to fetch a manager for the logistics of it all. There is a brief argument about the necessity of an ambulance. Soonyoung is able to convince staff to drive him to the emergency room, Joshua stiff beside him in the car. 

The hospital is busy. Joshua is too busy serving as a go-between for the nurses and their manager to explain much to him in the waiting room. He signs several consent forms and is given a hospital bracelet, plastic pinned too loosely around his wrist. 

“You don’t have any allergies, do you?” Joshua asks. 

When Soonyoung had been admitted to the hospital in college, Jihoon had known the answers to all these questions. 

“No?” Hoshi asks. 

“Are you… sure?” Joshua confirms.

Of course he knows that he doesn’t have any allergies. There’s just something about the responsibility of having to know it all on his own that scares him. 

“Yeah, no, no allergies,” Hoshi nods. 

Joshua- the closest he has to a Jihoon, here- turns his attention back to the nurse. 

The entire process gives Soonyoung far too much time to think about the still-bleeding wound on his leg. It really does hurt, a sharp sting that is beginning to throb. No longer distracted by the need to perform, panic begins to creep in. It isn’t good to bleed this much, is it? It kind of makes the room spin around him. 

And then there’s Joshua crouching in front of him. Something about the fake smile on his face makes him look more serious than he usually does. 

“They’re going to take you back to a room soon. They want to know if it’s okay for me to come, or if they should call a translator down for you,” Joshua tells him.

“Please come with me,” Soonyoung responds.

It sounds panicked, but he doesn’t have it in him to be embarrassed about it at the moment. 

“Of course,” Joshua says.

He squeezes Hoshi’s wrist for two, three seconds. Hoshi looks down to find dried blood still caked under Joshua’s nails. 

He gets to a room noticeably faster than he thinks is normal. He can’t figure out if it’s because they’re foreign or associated with a tour or if he’s truly in a state of immediate-care emergency. 

His experience goes downhill when he is in front of a doctor. He’s given a local anesthetic before his stitches, but it still doesn’t feel good to get them. If anything the numb pressure is more alarming than the active bleeding had been. Joshua holds him through it. He allows Soonyoung to rest his head against his chest. He holds Soonyoung by the hands and cards his fingers through Soonyoung’s hair to ease the gritting of his teeth as a needle is threaded through his flesh. 

At the end of the night, he’s told that he got off lucky. He gets a tetanus booster, a prescription for antibiotics and pain medication, and an order not to dance for a week. 

Jun is visibly shaken when they get back to the hotel, now well-past midnight. He has food ready for them. Hoshi eats and brandishes his bandaged foot, dramatizing the hospital experience for Jun’s benefit. Joshua doesn’t correct any of his exaggerations, just smiles fondly at him. The babying almost makes him feel better that he can’t dance for a week. 

It is still on his mind, though, an ache in his chest at being pulled off stage for an entire city. Jun is the one to suggest that they all pile into one bed for the evening, Hoshi sandwiched between his friends. Today wasn’t pleasant by any means, but Soonyoung feels loved and cared for as Jun and Joshua keep him up late snorting in laughter at their dumb jokes. 

~

Rest, as it turns out, can be pretty fucking nice. Hoshi is forced to stay in his hotel room by the company, no dance practices, no waiting in the wings at concerts. It had irritated him when the managers had first “strongly suggested” the time off to him. He feels much better about it today, stretching himself awake at eleven in the morning. Jun and Joshua left hours ago for rehearsals, well before the sun was up. Instead of tugging on workout clothes, Hoshi lounges in the bath. Instead of sweating his ass off running through routines, he shrugs into a fluffy bathrobe and orders room service. 

Joshua comes back into the room as he’s mid-pancake. He fills the space with sweaty boy stink, the kind Hoshi usually smells too much like himself to mind on his friends. It is marginally less tolerable when Hoshi was neck-deep in bubble bath not half an hour earlier. 

“Ew,” Hoshi comments, grinning even as he scrunches his nose. 

“Shut up, I’m only back here because no one trusts that you’re actually resting,” Joshua rolls his eyes. 

“Is practice still going on?” Hoshi asks. 

“Jun is wrapping things up. I think he might be staying late with your understudy, though,” Joshua says. 

For the first time all afternoon, Hoshi frowns. Hearing about his understudy makes him feel like he’s missing out on something. He must pull a face because Joshua laughs at him. Hoshi pouts. 

“Don’t make fun of me. I’m suffering,” Hoshi says.

“It’s one concert. Let the kid perform in one show,” Joshua says, his hand ruffling Hoshi’s hair. 

Joshua still smells like sweat, and it is still kind of gross. There’s something more to it with Joshua standing closer to him, some primal pheromonal scent that Hoshi can’t quite seem to get enough of. If things were different, Hoshi thinks that he might pull Joshua into bed and-

“I’m gonna take a shower, want to order room service for me, too?” Joshua says, peeling out of his damp tank top. 

Hoshi has always known that Joshua is hot. He’s seen the guy dance, workout, all those classically attractive masculine activities that they do together daily by necessity. It feels different when Hoshi wasn’t a part of the exercise that got Joshua so… so steamy. The whole situation leaves far too much up to Hoshi’s imagination for him to properly function.

The concept of Joshua naked in the shower, getting clean , isn’t helpful. 

They eat together in the bed they’ll be sharing for the night, Joshua’s hair damp and smelling like cheap cherry blossom shampoo. His pajamas barely cover him, short-shorts and a tank top that keeps slipping to expose his perfect goddamn nipples. Hoshi almost feels overdressed in sweatpants. 

“I think Jeonghan is fucking our friend,” Joshua says in the middle of conversation. 

He doesn’t look sad. If anything, he appears resigned. 

“Did someone tell you?” Hoshi asks. 

“No. He just… he’s always flirted with Minghao. I kind of think it’s part of why he asked me to take a break. Like, maybe he thought this was his last chance, or something,” Joshua says before taking a bite of waffle. 

His calmness reminds Soonyoung of Jihoon and his stupid little crush on Wonwoo. Jihoon doesn’t mind at all that Wonwoo has a boyfriend that he lives with. Is that how Joshua feels, too? Like it doesn’t matter if Jeonghan is fucking someone else? 

“I think that’d make me jealous,” Hoshi says. 

Joshua freezes, smiles, and then keeps chewing. 

“I don’t know. I’m pretty angry with him. But it’s like, fine, fuck Minghao, right? I’m not there, Minghao is hot. And it’s not like they’re going to date . The thing that’s making me angrier is that I think he’s taking all my friends,” Joshua says. 

“What? How?” Hoshi asks.

“Like, our best friend Wonwoo. He hasn’t even asked me how I’m doing after the break up. I know I’m on tour or whatever, but it seems like no one cares about me, or they all think it’s my fault, or something,” Joshua confesses. 

Wonwoo, right. Hoshi had almost forgotten that Joshua knew all those people. He puts a pin into the discomfort that settles in his stomach thinking about their tangled connections.

“That’s horrible, Joshy,” Hoshi says. And then, “Maybe you should just fuck people, too.” 

Joshua looks at him, bewildered. 

“I mean, Jeonghan’s doing it, right? Why not you too?” Hoshi doubles down. 

Joshua stares at him, and then presses his eyes shut and laughs . He bumps his shoulder against Hoshi’s and then stays leaning against him as he chuckles. Hoshi butts his forehead against Joshua’s shoulder, petulant. 

“You keep making fun of me tonight,” Hoshi whines. 

“Who exactly am I supposed to be having sex with?” Joshua asks.

Joshua isn’t laughing, now. Hoshi notices how close they are, leaned against one another, his head tilted towards Joshua. Joshua’s eyelashes are so fucking long. He’s beautiful, and still tan from their time in LA, and Hoshi really, really thinks about kissing him. 

“There’s always me,” Hoshi says, like an idiot. 

“Huh?”

“And Jun. You know. To help you find someone,” Hoshi covers his tracks. 

“Oh. Right,” Joshua says. 

Maybe Hoshi makes up the disappointment in his tone. Maybe not. 

Either way, he leans harder against Josh until they’re both splayed out on the bed and pokes at his friend’s barely-covered stomach. 

“So what kind of guy are you looking for?” Hoshi pesters, “Should we go to a club this weekend?” 

Joshua giggles as Hoshi’s pokes morph into proper tickling. He swats pathetically at Hoshi’s hands, hardly an attempt to make him stop. His bare skin is tantalizing. He’s smooth from lotion and smells like so many artificial fragrances that it is hard for Hoshi not to be enamoured. 

But Joshua is Hoshi’s coworker. As a leader, he’s under Hoshi’s care . As much as Hoshi might want to bury his face between Joshua’s thighs, he settles for wrapping an arm and leg around him while they watch some show on cable that Hoshi can barely understand. 

~

“Sneaking into the pool was a really good idea,” Joshua whispers. 

Hoshi beams. He slips his head below the water and swims frog-style towards the rim of the pool where Joshua is seated. He tugs at one of Joshua’s feet, very Jaws-like, before surfacing. 

“Gotta do a better job looking out for predators in the water,” Hoshi jokes. 

Hoshi could, easily, rest his elbows on the tiled edge of the pool to hold his torso out of the deep end. Instead, he presses his palms just north of Joshua’s knees. For a dancer, Hoshi notices, Joshua’s legs are awfully thin. It makes Hoshi want to do squats with him, makes him want to pull him into this pool and force him to do laps. His fingers press into Joshua’s inner thighs, itching for it. 

“Predators? I’m from California. I could handle whole sharks , you’re nothing ,” Joshua taunts. 

It’s enough to make Hoshi act on his impulse. He wraps his arms under Joshua’s knees and pulls hard. Joshua slides into the pool laughing and splashing. He retaliates, his arms thrown around Hoshi’s shoulders to push his head underwater. Chlorine water rushes up Hoshi’s nose. He resurfaces sputtering and panicked, Joshua still laughing at him. Hoshi slaps his hand across the water to splash Joshua. The only thing keeping him from laughing himself is the sting of the chlorine trying to escape his lungs. 

“Sorry,” Joshua says, clapping him on the back. He is evidently not sorry enough to stop chuckling. 

“Jun was right, I did need a chaperone, we should have waited for him,” Hoshi coughs out. 

As unpleasant as water up the nose is, he’s having a good time. 

“I’m not a good enough lifeguard for you?” Joshua teases. 

“You just tried to murder me!”

“You tried to murder me first.” 

Joshua’s smirk is irresistible. Hoshi plummets back under the surface of the water, this time with his nose plugged. He uses his free hand to pinch at Joshua’s skinny, kicking legs. His eyes burn from the chlorine, but it’s worth it when Joshua’s face drops down to make eye contact with him. He takes hold of Hoshi’s good foot and pulls it out from under him. Hoshi is thrown off balance. He rocks backwards into the pool as Joshua tugs his foot completely out of the water. 

Hoshi panics upside down, thrashing against Joshua’s hold. He slips free easily enough and flips himself upright. He uses Joshua’s body to pull himself back above the surface, resting his forearms on Joshua’s shoulders as he gasps for air. 

Joshua is still laughing. 

Hoshi loves to see him like this. After months of misery and exhaustion, Joshua is finally having fun . 

“We should make out,” Hoshi says. 

He knows it’s dumb, knows it’s risky, but Joshua just wrestled with him in a pool. If that isn’t a signal, he doesn’t know what is. 

They’re essentially hugging already, Hoshi’s arms around Joshua’s neck. Joshua’s skin looks so smooth, rivulets of water running down his face. He wishes he could take a picture of them like this, floating together in the dark of the hotel pool. 

Instead of lips connecting with his, Hoshi feels a wet palm connect with his face. Joshua is laughing louder, again . 

“If you keep saying shit like that it’s going to be hard not to take you seriously,” Joshua teases him. 

Hoshi swims a few paces back. He is serious, but he knows how to take a rejection. 

“I’ll race you to the deep end,” Hoshi dares instead. 

“Again, I’m from California . You’re-”

Hoshi pushes off the bottom of the pool and starts swimming. He barely hears Joshua shout, “ Cheater! ” before he dives under the water. 

Later, exhausted and wet, they both sit with their feet dangling in the shallow end. Hoshi’s ankle feels much better than it had a week ago when he cut it, but even the light exercise of swimming has him realizing how difficult the transition back to practicing daily will be. 

“Hey, can I ask you something?” Joshua asks.

He sounds serious. Hoshi stares down at their feet, his kicking gently through the water as Joshua’s are held motionless beside him. 

“Yeah,” Hoshi says, because what else can he say? 

“A few weeks ago you told me you had someone back in Korea,” Joshua says.

It isn’t a question so much as a prompting statement. Hoshi isn’t sure how he feels about it. The thing is- the thing is, he doesn’t like to talk about himself. For all he can be loud and charming, he’s private . Talking about something as big as Jihoon is uncomfortable. Is terrifying. 

But here is Joshua Hong, big expecting eyes looking across at Hoshi- at Soonyoung . The moon reflects off the still water of the pool, glowing bright white on his skin. Joshua is heartbroken, and has trusted Soonyoung with so, so much. So-

“He’s my best friend. We grew up together, you know? I’ve probably always been in love with him or something, I don’t know. He definitely has always been in love with me,” Soonyoung says. 

It isn’t something he’s said out loud before. It doesn’t feel good, his stomach curling in on itself inside him. 

“But you aren’t together,” Joshua says.

He is obviously confused. And why wouldn’t he be? Joshua fell in love as an international college student and stayed in a whole different country to make a life with Jeonghan. Joshua got the job opportunity of a lifetime and still tried to prioritize his relationship. How could Joshua understand all the things that Soonyoung hasn’t done with Jihoon? 

“I think both of us knew this day was coming, you know? That I’d be away for a long time,” Soonyoung says.

It is, maybe, part of the truth. He thinks that more of the truth involves him being a coward and a flirt. 

“Five months ago I don’t think I’d have understood that. But…” Joshua says. 

And, yeah. Soonyoung imagines that Joshua gets it now more than anyone. 

When Soonyoung doesn’t say anything, Joshua keeps talking, “Is it hard? Sleeping with other people when you have feelings for him?” 

Soonyoung starts laughing. Sleeping with other people has never, ever been hard. 

“The only trouble I’ve had is actually dating . People tell me I sabotage my relationships,” Soonyoung tells him. 

“I mean, makes sense. You really want to be dating Jihoon,” Joshua says. 

That hits Soonyoung funny. He knows that he’s had some kind of feelings for Jihoon the better part of his entire life, but dating ? It’s just- it’s just him and Jihoon. Dating, boyfriends, whatever, it all seems like too much for them. Or not enough. Definitely too much for Soonyoung to think about next to a shirtless Joshua. 

“Sex is fun though. It doesn’t have to mean anything, right? Just, a couple of people finding each other hot,” Soonyoung distracts. Hoshi distracts. He’s less vulnerable as Hoshi. Here, in this place, with this boy who only knows him from tour, that’s all he has to be. Sexy, talented, dance leader Hoshi. 

“I haven’t slept with someone new since college,” Joshua confesses. 

“Huh,” Hoshi comments. 

“Yeah. Something to think about,” Joshua says. 

“Definitely something to think about.” 

Their conversation dies out as their feet drift together in the water. Hoshi hadn’t expected to find someone like this on tour, someone who encourages him to be so vulnerable. In all their times as friends, Soonyoung has hardly even talked with Seungkwan about all his Jihoon feelings. But here he is, topless next to Joshua, spilling his guts. For all he is terrified, it also makes something warm coil in his gut.  

~

Hoshi is drunk. Good, proper, finished all the miniature bottles of liquor in the hotel fridge drunk. He’s two weeks post-injury tonight, which means that he is also four hours post-concert. While he enjoyed his brief time off, the stage is why he’s here at all. The lights and the roar of the crowd and the adrenaline pumping through him while he dances is much more meaningful than a few extra hours of sleep. 

Jun and Joshua had anticipated his buzz of excitement after they’d gotten off stage. They’d been the ones to open the minifridge, the ones holding up tiny bottles to his mouth while he took shots on his knees. They’d also been the ones to remind him that he just got his stitches out when he’d begged to go out to a club. 

So, Hoshi is drunk in his hotel room, and Joshua is there, and his lips are glossed, and it is all very difficult to manage. 

“Joshy,” Hoshi whines, “Call the front desk and see if they’ll bring a noraebang machine up to the room.” 

“Absolutely not,” Joshua snorts. 

“I don’t know, it could be fun,” Jun says. 

“If either of you can figure out how to ask for a noraebang machine in English, I’ll sing,” Joshua dares them. 

Jun throws his hands in the air and looks to Hoshi. 

In bad English Hoshi says aloud, “Hello, sing box please. And beers.” 

Joshua and Jun laugh at him. Hoshi is, frankly, proud of all the English he’s picked up while in North America. Jihoon had warned him that he should spend some time studying before the tour, but Hoshi had insisted that firsthand experience would be more helpful.

Hoshi feels a pang of sadness, of missing, of longing. He decides not to think about Jihoon for the rest of the night. 

In lieu of noraebang, Joshua hooks his phone up to the bluetooth speaker in their room. Hoshi loses himself to jumping on the bed and scream-singing into a hairbrush. The room spins around him, dizzy and dark with the lights flipped off. 

The night may flash by him in a blur of alcohol, but Joshua doesn’t. Hoshi notices Joshua. Joshua smiles so bright, his cheeks and ears tipped red from drinking. When he hops up on the bed to dance next to Hoshi, the hem of his shirt rises up to expose the smooth skin of his stomach. He sings along to songs he knows, his voice smooth and beautiful. Hoshi really is enamoured by it. 

Even drunk he suspects that it's the can’t have of Joshua that has him so interested. 

It was always like that with Jihoon, too, wasn’t it?

God. He wasn’t supposed to be thinking of Jihoon tonight. 

“Which one of you is gonna cuddle me tonight?” Hoshi asks, knowing the ensuing conversation will distract him from his untoward Jihoon thoughts. For the first time all night he sits, flopping down on the bed mid-jump. 

“You’re really giving up your turn to have the bed to yourself?” Jun questions.

“You know I hate to go to sleep alone after drinking,” Hoshi tells him. 

Now that he’s laying down, the room whirls around him in a way that feels significantly less fun. Hoshi presses his eyes shut, hoping it’s enough to make it stop. 

“I can sleep with you, if you want,” Joshua offers. 

Hoshi’s eyes pop open. He can feel the blush spread over his cheeks. 

“I thought you’d never take me up on my offer,” Hoshi jokes, words too slurred to have the flirtatious edge he’d intended. 

“Oh, please, you’d lose your mind if Joshua actually wanted to fuck you,” Jun teases. 

Joshua heads into the bathroom, ignoring their banter completely. 

“You scared him,” Hoshi complains. 

“ You scared him,” Jun laughs. 

Either way, Joshua keeps his word and ends up in bed next to Hoshi when they finally turn off the music for sleep. They share beds too often to make a habit out of cuddling, but Hoshi reasons that alcohol outweighs sober courtesy. He wriggles next to Joshua and snakes an arm around his middle. 

“Your skin is soft,” Hoshi whispers into Joshua’s ear. 

His thumb plays with the hem of Johua’s shirt, feeling just a hint of his stomach. 

“You’re tickling me,” Joshua giggles. 

Joshua rolls over so that they’re face to face. 

“You don’t like to be the little spoon?” Hoshi asks. 

“I don’t trust you to be the big spoon,” Joshua jokes. 

Hoshi doesn’t roll over, though. He places his arm more tightly around Joshua’s waist and threads their legs together. 

“You’re cute,” Hoshi tells him. 

Joshua looks at him fondly. He brushes Hoshi’s hair back, revealing his sweat-damp forehead. It reminds Hoshi that he hasn’t washed his face tonight. He’ll regret it tomorrow, pimply and dehydrated from alcohol, but he isn’t willing to detangle himself at the moment. Joshua’s fingers are long and gentle as they glide through Hoshi’s hair. His scalp lights up at the sensation, goosebump trailing down the back of his neck. 

“Goodnight, Hoshi,” Joshua says. 

He leans forward and presses his lips against Hoshi’s forehead. 

It knocks the breath from Hoshi’s lungs. 

“Yeah,” Hoshi chokes out, “Goodnight.” 

“Night guys!” Jun calls from the opposite bed, not two feet away from them. There’s something sarcastic in his tone, something teasing. 

Hoshi presses his eyes shut, his mind trying to reconcile his embarrassment and his arousal.

~

Jun stops coming to the gym with them. Purportedly it is because he doesn’t want to overexert himself so many months into tour. Hoshi suspects that it is much more related to the exasperation that Jun feels when he catches Hoshi ogling Joshua as he lifts weights. 

Jun abandoning them means that Hoshi has become Joshua’s defacto bench press spotter. It is, at best, challenging. Today Joshua has committed the crime of taking his shirt off during his evening jog on the treadmill. He’s got nothing on but a pair of short-shorts and a ratty pair of Adidas. It is testing Hoshi’s self-control. 

“Is my form right?” Joshua asks, “My shoulders feel off.” 

Hoshi does what he’s been avoiding all day and makes direct eye contact with Joshua’s pecs. They are sweaty and glistening and it isn’t fair . 

“Your left shoulder is high. Use your lower abs, your pelvis is throwing your whole posture off,” Hoshi tells him. 

He doesn’t mean to be looking at Joshua’s pelvis but, well. And he isn’t wrong . Joshua stands with his hip cocked most of the day. It fucks up the entire alignment of his spine. 

“Like this?” Joshua asks. 

He flexes his abs. 

Hoshi stops pretending to be spotting him. Joshua has put the weight down, anyway, his hands just ghosting the bar as he corrects his posture. Hoshi, dance leader , runs his hands down Joshua’s sides and rests them on his hip bones, pressing lightly. 

“Here. Feel that? That’s straight,” Hoshi says about Joshua’s posture. 

He is aware that the scene itself is anything but straight, Hoshi leaned fully over Joshua’s face to grab at his stomach. 

“Mm, is it?” Joshua jokes, the homosexuality of it all not lost on him. 

Hoshi laughs and switches positions, moving around the bench to stand straddled over Joshua’s legs. Retrospectively, it isn’t all that less gay, but at least his dick isn’t hovering by Joshua’s face at this angle. He grabs again for Joshua’s hips and moves them around until they’re aligned. 

“You probably need physical therapy,” Hoshi comments.

“Huh? Oh, yeah,” Joshua says. 

The cadence of it is off, like Joshua hadn’t been listening to him much at all. He’s flushed from his ears to his throat. Below his fingers, Hoshi feels goosebumps. 

“Am I turning you on?” Hoshi blurts out. 

“Shut up . I haven’t gotten laid in awhile, okay?” Joshua groans, embarrassed. 

Hoshi’s gaze drifts slightly south. Joshua isn’t obviously erect, but Hoshi can see the outline of a halfie. It’s the price Joshua pays to look so good in those tiny shorts. 

“I can help,” Hoshi offers.

He moves his thumbs closer to Joshua’s waistband, hands still planted firmly on his hip bones. 

“I will never get how you tell jokes like that with such a straight face,” Joshua tells him. 

“I’m not joking, Shua,” Hoshi says. 

Neither of them move. Hoshi stops breathing on purpose, terrified that any movement will break the spell and make Joshua push him away or report him to the HR team or something. He wonders, vaguely, if he should remove his hands from Joshua’s body. 

“Okay,” Joshua breathes.

“Really?” Hoshi asks.

“Were you really being serious?” Joshua asks. 

“Yeah.”

“Then yeah.” 

Hoshi’s hand could not move faster down Joshua’s pants. Joshua gasps when Hoshi’s hand closes around his cock. He moves his own arm over his face, mouth in the crook of his elbow. 

The hotel gym is abandoned so late at night. Hoshi glances around just to double check that this is true before he pulls Josh’s pants down just enough to expose his dick. Hoshi isn’t going to pretend it’s the first time he’s seen Joshua’s dick. That’d be near impossible with their current living situation. It is the first time he’s seeing it fully hard, though. It doesn’t disappoint. 

“It looks just like you,” Hoshi comments, one hand pumping Joshua’s cock, the other pressing down lightly on his pelvis. 

“What the fuck does that mean?” Joshua laughs. 

“It’s pretty,” Hoshi grins, leaning down to add some spit into the mix. 

“ Jesus, ” Joshua moans, “Fuck, I thought you were going to blow me.”

Joshua giggles, his neck strained to get a better look. 

“Is that on the table?” Hoshi asks. 

Joshua stops giggling. 

“Seriously?”

“Again, yeah. Why do you keep thinking I’m not serious?” Hoshi asks.

“You can, if you want. I- you have really nice lips,” Joshua says, ignoring the question. 

Hoshi doesn’t mind not getting an answer, not when his mouth is getting complimented, not when he’s tasting Joshua Hong’s dick .

Which, okay, they’re at the end of a two hour stint at the gym, so it’s kind of salty and musky. It’s not as if Hoshi isn’t into that, though. A couple weeks ago Joshua was stinking up their hotel room after dance practice and Hoshi was half-mast for it. He sucks on Joshua’s cock like it’s a lollipop, taking in all the sights and smells his body has to offer along the way. 

“You’re so… much…” Joshua gasps out, hands wild in Hoshi’s hair. 

“Too much?” Hoshi asks, mouth sliding off Joshua for just long enough to get the word out.

“Please don’t stop,” Joshua whines. 

So Hoshi gets back to it, spit messy on his face as he bobs. He thinks that his best quality is his complete lack of gag reflex, some gemini trick that he and Jun share. He deep throats the fuck out of Joshua, less careful about his tongue and teeth knowing full well that hitting the roof of his mouth and back of his throat will be plenty to impress. 

When Joshua cums, the only warning Hoshi has is a muffled screeching sound and fingernails in his scalp. Hoshi can barely taste it as he swallows, the one drawback to his talent. He pulls off Joshua with a pop , the suction sending shivers up post-orgasmic Joshua’s whole body.

Hoshi pulls Joshua’s shorts back into place and wipes his own mouth with a gym towel. He shimmies up towards Joshua’s face and helps his friend into a sitting position on the bench. 

“You okay?” Joshua asks him, a hand reaching out to smooth Hoshi’s inevitably disheveled hair.

Hoshi smiles and pinches Joshua’s cheeks. 

“I’ve wanted to do that for so long. I’m great . Are you okay?” Hoshi asks. 

“Yeah. I am, actually. I thought I’d be… moody, maybe. But that was fun. Is your throat okay?” Joshua says. 

“Oh, yeah. Jun makes this really post-blowjob tea, I’ll be fine. You’re sure you’re fine?” Hoshi confirms. 

“I’m sure I’m fine,” Joshua smiles. 

“Hell yeah,” Hoshi beams.

They high five. Back in the hotel room, Hoshi requests Jun’s special tea, and Jun is kind enough not to say anything as he looks between the two of them and rolls his eyes. 

~

Hoshi is exhausted. As a lead, it’s his responsibility to attend meetings at every new stadium that the other dancers don’t have to worry about. He and the choreographers and lighting techs work out blocking issues that he will disseminate to everyone else the following day at practice. Tonight’s meeting went on particularly long. 

He trudges back into his hotel room sleepy and hungry, well past dinner time. The room smells like Korean fried chicken and is eerily empty. The sound of the shower alerts him that someone is around, but at least one of his roommates is missing in action. Hoshi doesn’t have the energy to investigate. He curls up on the bed, half a bucket of leftover chicken in his arms. 

Joshua emerges from the bathroom a few minutes later, steaming and ethereal. If Hoshi weren’t so drained he thinks he would wish that he wasn’t in the fetal position, hands covered in room temperature meat grease. As things stand the only thing he actually wishes for is the motivation to take off his jeans. 

“You look tired,” Joshua comments, toweling off his hair. 

“The stage is really weird here. We walked around for an hour,” Hoshi complains. 

“Shit. Rehearsal’s gonna be rough in the morning?” Joshua asks. 

“I hope not, I think we figured everything out tonight,” Hoshi says. 

Joshua tosses his towel into the bathroom (something Jun will complain about later) and pulls a loose t-shirt on before joining Hoshi on the bed they’ll be sharing for the evening. 

“I appreciate how much you put into this. It makes things so much easier on the rest of us,” Joshua says.

“It’s literally my job,” Hoshi smiles.

“I know. But it’s because none of us could do it. I mean, maybe Jun, but, we all see how much work you do,” Joshua tells him. 

“You could thank me by giving me a massage,” Hoshi teases.

Joshua doesn’t take it as teasing. He lifts the nearly empty bucket of chicken from Hoshi’s hands and places it on the nightstand. 

“Roll over,” Joshua instructs. 

Who is Hoshi to refuse him? 

He rolls over on the bed, all too aware that he’s wearing sweatpants that make his ass look great. Maybe he lifts his hips just a little to exaggerate the effect. Joshua straddles him, settling down on his upper thighs. His hands feel huge on Hoshi’s back. 

“You’re really tight,” Joshua says, “You should take off your shirt.” 

The wording of it hits especially hard with Joshua’s crotch pressed against his ass. As Hoshi pulls off his shirt he can’t help but think about their night in the gym last week, Joshua’s dick in his hand, in his mouth. 

Joshua’s hands feel far more intimate touching his bare skin. He’s a good masseuse. The whole situation might be making Hoshi horny as hell, but his muscles are genuinely tight. He can feel himself loosening at Joshua’s touch, his muscles letting go of tension he hadn’t quite realized he’d been holding. 

“You want tiger balm?” Joshua asks. 

“Please,” Hoshi requests. 

Joshua continues to work on Hoshi’s shoulders and upper back. The warm tingle of tiger balm has Hoshi drooling onto their duvet. Joshua uses his knuckles to press down the length of Hoshi’s spine. The heels of his hands dig into Hoshi’s sacrum. 

“You’re so good at this,” Hoshi compliments.

“I’ve been told I’m good with my hands,” Joshua says, lilt in his voice. 

“You’re flirting,” Hoshi teases. 

“Maybe,” Joshua confirms.

Hoshi had been joking. He’s tired and, sure, he blew Joshua a week ago, but he’s long since convinced himself it was a one-off thing. But now he’s shirtless and Joshua has his hands one inch above his ass cheeks and he’s admitting to flirting. Hoshi is instantly, embarrassingly, hard. 

He reaches his right arm backwards. It’s a terrible angle, him on his stomach, but he does his best to feel for Joshua’s thigh. His skin is soft and smooth, like he’s just lotioned himself after his shower. Hoshi moves his fingers from Joshua’s knee up his thigh. He can feel the moment that the touch turns Joshua on. His dick swells. 

Hoshi can’t see it, but Joshua remains planted on his thighs. His erection tickles at Hoshi’s ass cheeks. Hoshi can hardly breathe, he's so horny. Joshua, heart of fucking steel, keeps up his ministrations on Hoshi’s back, massaging him as if he isn’t sporting a raging hard on. Hoshi snakes his hand as far up Joshua’s leg as it will go. The only reaction Hoshi gets is his own dick growing harder. He lifts his ass, desperate to get his point across. 

“The other night was really hot,” Hoshi says. 

Joshua’s hands wander farther south. He cups Hoshi’s ass cheeks, pulling them lightly apart. Hoshi moans. 

“Was it?” Joshua asks.

Hoshi can hear the evil smile in his voice. He lifts his ass again, this time more pointedly towards Joshua’s erection. Joshua’s breath hitches. He angles his hips ever so slightly forward, his cock now resting in Hoshi’s crack. 

“I want to make you cum again,” Hoshi says. 

Joshua’s hands move to the waistband of Hoshi’s pants. Joshua’s weight lifts off of him momentarily, and Hoshi feels his pants and underwear being pulled off. He wiggles his hips around to expedite the process. Joshua sits back down on his thighs. Hoshi had expected him, too, to be nude, but Joshua seems to have left his clothes on. 

There is something painfully sexy about being the only one exposed. Hoshi feels the same kind of rush as he had months ago getting a blowjob in a public bathroom, Joshua’s eyes on him as he had orgasmed. 

Joshua’s hands return to Hoshi’s lower back. They’re covered in something slippery, now, some massage oil Joshua must have grabbed without Hoshi noticing. Joshua’s lithe fingers slide immediately down to Hoshi’s upper thighs, ghosting ever so slightly south of his ass. Goosebumps line Hoshi’s spine.

He can hear the blood evacuating his head to fill his cock as Joshua’s hands make their way to his butt. His cheeks are spread. Fingers glide oil mere centimeters from his asshole. He’d thought he was feeling exposed before but it was nothing compared to this. Joshua’s thumbs apply pressure on either side of his hole and pull, and then he’s open under Joshua’s gaze. 

“Shua, fuck,” Hoshi says. 

“Is this okay?” Joshua asks. 

“Oh, yeah, for sure,” Hoshi laughs. 

“I want to finger you,” Joshua tells him. 

Hoshi’s hips buck back as an answer. He moans, far more high-pitched than intended. Joshua chuckles. The warmth of his hands leave Hoshi’s body, and a bottle clicks, and then his hands are back accompanied by the cool slick of lube. 

“Did you just have lube on you?” Hoshi teases. 

“I’ve been thinking about this a lot,” Joshua admits. 

Hoshi is prevented from answering when a finger presses against his rim. Joshua doesn’t toy with him. His finger pushes inside Hoshi and wiggles around, looking for an angle that makes Hoshi whine. Hoshi begs for more and Joshua gives it to him, two, then three fingers fucking him as he thrusts backwards into Joshua’s hand. 

“You’re so beautiful,” Joshua tells him. 

“ I’m pretty? You’ve seen yourself, right?” Hoshi quips, breath hot. 

Joshua’s fingertips pad at his prostate. It feels like punishment for being sarcastic. It also feels like he’s going to burst .

“Not yet, Shua, come on,” Hoshi pleads. 

Joshua laughs and backs off on his prostate. His fingers slide in and out of Hoshi, slick and warm and long. He leans over Hoshi’s body and presses tiny pecks up his spine, all the way to his neck. He sucks something fierce behind Hoshi’s ear. Electricity washes over Hoshi, his hands shaking where they grip the sheets. 

“What are you waiting for?” Joshua asks. 

Hoshi is so, so angry that he hadn’t expected Joshua to be such a fucking tease. 

“Your cock, obviously,” Hoshi says. 

The ministrations of Joshua’s fingers inside of him become awkward and arrhythmic. A packet tears open. Joshua begins to shift around on top of him, presumably rolling on a condom that he had on him as inexplicably as he’d had lube. 

It’s a quick transition from fingers to dick. Joshua slides into him easy. Hoshi is, pridefully, easy to slide into. Joshua’s cock is hot and hard. He wraps his arms around Hoshi’s middle as he adjusts to being inside him. Hoshi feels fucking cared for like this, with his friend’s hands gripping his biceps and mouth breathing in his ear. 

“You feel, like, really good,” Joshua says, his composure lost to his own pleasure. 

“I’ve wanted you inside me for so long, hyung,” Hoshi keens, his hips rocking back. 

Hoshi knows how to play dirty, too, knows the right words to say and the right tone of voice to use to have Joshua begging. 

“Your fucking hips, jesus ,” Joshua huffs. 

“Fuck me, hyung,” Hoshi says. 

They move together like only dancers can, rolling hips and synchronized movements. Hoshi treats it like a performance. He wants to please Joshua, to show him what a good job he can do. Hoshi feels so open with Joshua inside him. He loves getting fucked, loves the slick friction and the feeling of fullness in his ass. 

On top of him, Joshua kisses and sucks and laps at the skin of his neck. Joshua’s shirt bunches up between their bodies, his shorts hanging low by their knees. Hoshi is getting off on the feel of the fabric. It reminds him that he’s the only one naked in the room, that Joshua has him splayed out to admire and fuck. 

And, god, does Joshua fuck him. His dick is long and slender like his fingers. It reaches deep inside Hoshi, Joshua’s balls against Hoshi’s skin with each thrust. Hoshi pays attention to his own cock. He’s gotten good at using whatever works on tour. Tonight, that whatever is the sheet of the bed he and Joshua will later share. He grinds against the mattress as Joshua’s cock slips in and out of him. 

It all becomes too much faster than Hoshi thinks he will later admit to. 

“Are you close?” he asks Joshua, pressing his ass back just a bit harder. 

“I can be. Do you want me to be?” Joshua asks.

“Please. I’m gonna… you’re gonna make me…” Hoshi pants. 

This elicits a strangled noise from Joshua. His thrusts pick up in speed. It throws Hoshi off just enough to keep him from orgasming on the spot. Joshua’s nose presses against the base of Hoshi’s skull and his arms untangle from around Hoshi’s chest. His hands find Hoshi’s, fingers lacing together. 

That is too much for Hoshi. Joshua’s hands are soft against his palms, and his dick is warm inside him, and his lips are wet on his neck. Hoshi cums all over the bed with Joshua’s name on his lips. Moments later Joshua’s movements inside him become stiff as he chases his own orgasm. 

Joshua presses more kisses down Hoshi’s back. His weight leaves the bed. Hoshi’s eyes are closed, but he hears the padding of Joshua’s feet on hotel carpet and the bathroom door swing open. Hoshi is sticky. He rolls onto his back to escape the pool of his own cum. 

Unlike many of his recent hookups, Joshua returns from the bathroom with a warm washcloth. 

“Want me to do it for you?” he offers. 

“No, I’ve got it,” Hoshi declines. 

He cleans off his dick and wipes excess lube from his ass as Joshua dabs at the cum spot in the middle of the bed. 

“We’ve got two options here,” Joshua tells him.

“Hmm?” 

“We can shamefully call the front desk and get new sheets, or we can sleep in these,” Joshua says. 

“I think it’s kinda hot if you fall asleep in my cum,” Hoshi grins. 

He wriggles himself underneath the covers to prove how serious he is. 

“Gross,” Joshua complains, but he climbs into bed right after Hoshi. 

Hoshi initiates the cuddle, but Joshua falls right into it. He slides a hand around Hoshi’s waist and allows for their legs to become tangled together. This is also quite unlike Hoshi’s recent hookups, in and out as they have been. It reminds Hoshi how nice it can be to fuck your friends. 

“Hey, can I ask something?” Joshua asks after reaching over to turn off the lights on their bedside table. 

“Sure.” 

“Can I kiss you?” Joshua asks. 

Hoshi tilts his head up and kisses Joshua. It is brief and simple. Hoshi feels warm settling his head against Joshua’s chest when the kiss is over. 

“Kissing me after sex. You’re so tender, Joshua Hong,” Hoshi jokes. 

“Just wanted to show you that I’ve been having fun with this,” Joshua responds. 

And, yeah. Hoshi has been having fun too. 

~

“Joshy,” Hoshi whispers. 

They’re in the car on the way back to their hotel. Jun is on Joshua’s opposite side, a bit too invested in the scenery outside the window. Middle America isn’t that exciting. Hoshi knows he’s just doing his best to ignore the blatant flirting Hoshi has been laying on Joshua since their concert ended. 

It has been difficult to ignore how hot Joshua is. This has been true from the time Jun, to his current dismay, encouraged that damn lap dance. Hoshi had thought that actually hooking up with Josh would satiate him. It hasn’t. Hoshi is still, more than anything, transfixed by the applause and attention he receives on the stage, but Joshua has worked his way into the mix now. Joshua’s arms as he lifts Yeji, Joshua’s hips as he thrusts in their choreography, Joshua’s lips under the stage lights. 

“What?” Joshua whispers back.

The response is perfunctory. Joshua’s fingers are already inching towards Hoshi’s knee. It isn’t so obvious that Jun might get uncomfortable, that the managers might notice, but it’s enough to show Hoshi that Joshua wants it too. 

“Want to take a shower when we get back?” Hoshi asks. 

Joshua doesn’t respond verbally this time. In lieu of words, he digs his nails briefly into Hoshi’s thigh and smirks. It takes conscious effort for Hoshi not to get hard right then and there in the back of the van. 

Later in the shower, Hoshi bends over and takes Joshua all soapy and steamy. They muffle their moans with fingers in each other’s mouths and sloppy kisses, as if Jun isn’t fully aware that they’re hooking up as he politely watches Youtube videos with headphones in. 

When they’re finished, two condoms flushed down the toilet, they stand side by side at the double-sink rubbing serums and moisturizers into their faces. 

It’s been like this a few weeks now. They work together, dance together, fuck together, go to bed together. It’s more comfortable than Hoshi might have imagined. Ostensibly living with a partner is not something he’s ever been comfortable with before. It usually has him running. This is so much different than a boyfriend starting to keep clothes at his apartment without asking, though. This is his friend Joshua who, after working out some early difficulties, Hoshi truly loves sharing his space with. They aren’t trying to form some intimidating future together under the same roof. They’re just fucking . 

“I want to keep doing this with you while we’re on tour,” Hoshi says. 

Joshua looks at Hoshi in the mirror, pimple-patch on his finger tip. It is terribly endearing. 

“Thought you wanted to be slutty on tour?” Joshua grins. 

“I can fuck you and be slutty,” Hoshi frowns. 

“When are you gonna have time for that when you’re asking to suck me off every night?” Joshua asks. 

He’s teasing, his voice playful, but he isn’t wrong. Hoshi hasn’t hooked up with someone other than Joshua since he gave him a handjob at the gym. 

“Tour makes it really hard to meet people, you know that. You saw how tired I was when I was hooking up with people after shows,” Hoshi defends himself. 

“Oh, so I’m just more convenient?” Joshua says.

He’s still toying with Hoshi, but that feels bad and untrue. 

“It just feels better with you,” Hoshi says. 

Joshua turns to him, looking him in the eye rather than at his reflection. 

“Hey, I’m just joking,” Joshua says. 

“I know. I just… like this,” Hoshi tells him. 

“I do too. But- you know it’s just as friends for me, right? I’ve got… I mean, I guess I don’t really have him anymore, but, I’ve got something going on with Jeonghan. You know?” Joshua says. 

My god, does Hoshi know. 

“You know I’ve got someone back home too,” Hoshi tells him. 

And maybe that’s a part of what feels so good about Joshua. Consistency on tour without any pressure for anything more. They get to be something right now, and he still can have Jihoon at home. 

“Tour fuck buddies?” Joshua asks, extending a hand. 

“Tour fuck buddies,” Hoshi beams. 

He grabs Joshua’s palm and shakes once before pulling him into an open-mouth kiss. 

~

Hoshi considers not taking Jihoon’s call. He knows what it’s going to be about. He’s not really in the mood for a difficult conversation. It had rained at today’s show. His bones are still aching from performing in the cold, wet chill that inexplicably took hold of Michigan, summer or not. 

Hoshi doesn’t want to answer the call, but he’s worried he’s done something that will push Jihoon away forever, so he picks up. 

“Hey. It’s so early there, you okay?” Hoshi asks. 

“Yeah. I had trouble sleeping, so, figured I’d see if you could talk,” Jihoon says. 

He doesn’t sound very happy. It makes Hoshi sad. 

“Yeah, I can talk. I want to talk,” Hoshi says. 

“Soonyoung, I-” Jihoon pauses. 

Hoshi is glad. Soonyoung is glad. He hasn’t heard someone call him by his given name in- god. It throws him. He’s happy that Jihoon pauses because his head is reeling from a complete inability to cope with all the people he’s trying to be. 

“I miss you,” Soonyoung interjects before Jihoon has time to finish his thought. 

“I miss you, too,” Jihoon tells him. 

“You were with Wonwoo last night,” Soonyoung says.

Because he was. Soonyoung knows that he was. Seungkwan had mentioned it, and it had eaten at Soonyoung all week. That’s why he-

“Is that why you posted the video?” Jihoon asks. 

“I’m sorry,” Soonyoung says.

He is sorry. He’s sorry to Jihoon who absolutely did not need to see him making out with Joshua on an Instagram story. He’s sorry to Josh who had to have a whole conversation with Wonwoo about it at four in the morning. He’s even sorry to Jeonghan, sort of, if he’s seen it. 

“I didn’t even fucking do anything with Wonwoo,” Jihoon tells him. 

Soonyoung feels guilty about the relief that washes over him. 

“I’ve been hooking up with Joshua for awhile,” Soonyoung says. 

“ Jesus , Soonyoung. Do you even- Did you even really like it when I kissed you? Or was it just some thing you were doing?” Jihoon yells. 

“It wasn’t just some thing,” Soonyoung says. 

“I don’t understand what I am to you. Like, at all. I… it’s not like I just started thinking about you like that the night I kissed you, you know?” Jihoon says.

“I know. Me either, Jihoon,” Soonyoung tells him. 

If Soonyoung had an award for all the times he’d thought about being Jihoon’s partner, he’d be the most famous man in the world. It isn’t that simple, though. If it were that simple, he wouldn’t be in America with the memory of Joshua’s cum still salty on his tongue. 

“I’m feeling really fucking confused. That isn’t something I like feeling,” Jihoon tells him. 

Soonyoung knows. He has memorized by heart Jihoon’s one, five, ten year plans for the both of them. Uncertainty isn’t his strong suit. 

“I just don’t know what to do. We both know I’m going to be on tour for years. And I, honestly, I don’t want to not be having sex for years . Or only getting to fuck you, like, a few times a year while I’m in Seoul. I’m having a lot of fun with Joshua right now,” Soonyoung admits. 

“You’ve never even told me fucking me was on the table,” Jihool says.

He sounds vaguely amused. 

“That’s not true . After we kissed I offered to-”

“And I told you to wait until you heard back from JYP. And here we are,” Jihoon says. 

“Yeah.” 

“And if you don’t want to be with me, I don’t get the issue with me seeing Wonwoo. I don’t get why you had to post that fucking video last night,” Jihoon says. 

“I’m pretty fucking jealous of him,” Soonyoung says. 

It sits heavy over the static of the long distance call. 

“And now I’m jealous of Joshua,” Jihoon says, “And I kind of think that’s what you wanted.” 

It is. Soonyoung likes it. It feels even. 

“I know that isn’t nice,” Soonyoung says, a thin veil over the truth. 

“No. It isn’t.” 

“I don’t want you not to date him, if that’s really gonna make you happy. But I also don’t want you to date him. I want you to date me,” Soonyoung says. 

“I want to date both of you,” Jihoon says, “But not while you’re abroad. Not when things are like this . This is… I think this is the hardest things have ever felt between us.” 

Soonyoung doesn’t disagree, but hearing Jihoon say it makes him want to cry. 

What if Jihoon starts seeing Wonwoo and decides to move in with him and his boyfriend and only wants to see Soonyoung, like, three times a year for mind blowing sex? What if Wonwoo becomes his best friend? What if all of Jihoon’s hopes and dreams and future plans become about Wonwoo instead of him? 

“So, like, are you going to date him?” Soonyoung asks. 

“I don’t know. I have no fucking idea. I mean, yeah, right? Probably. I want to. But I want to do it when I feel together, or sure, or, something. I don’t feel like I have anything together right now. At all,” Jihoon says. 

“What would make you feel together?” Soonyoung asks. 

“Kissing you. Or making an actual plan with you. Something,” Jihoon says. 

Soonyoung’s gut flip-flops. Jihoon wanting to kiss him gives him butterflies. Jihoon feeling like his whole romantic world is on hold for the sake of Soonyoung gives him knots in his stomach. 

“I want you to do what you want to do,” Soonyoung tells him.

Everything else aside, that is true. 

“I think I just want to see you in person,” Jihoon says, “It’s really hard to feel grounded when my best friend is gone.” 

“The last time we were apart this long was-”

“Summer after freshman year.”

“Yeah.” 

“You cried on the phone every night that summer telling me you missed me,” Jihoon laughs. 

“I have better coping skills now,” Soonyoung assures him.

“I don’t know if sex really counts as a coping skill,” Jihoon laughs. 

“I’m going to keep sleeping with him until tour is over,” Soonyoung says. 

He just… wants to make sure that Jihoon knows. He doesn’t want to give this thing with Joshua up right now. 

“I figured. I think I’m going to tell Wonwoo that I need to pull my shit together before I can do something with him. Last time you and I talked you pissed me off so much I thought I could just, just lean into something else, you know? I didn’t want to think about how much this was still messing with me,” Jihoon tells him. 

“Sounds like you didn’t realize how much you love me,” Soonyoung teases, sing-song. 

“No. I knew that.” 

Soonyoung guesses that he did, too. 

“Sorry we had to have a relationship fight before we’re even dating,” Soonyoung apologizes. 

“I’m sorry I’ve been making you jealous. I thought being direct about Wonwoo would be the most helpful,” Jihoon says. 

“It probably was. I was just… doing shit,” Soonyoung says. 

“You’re really good at doing shit,” Jihoon laughs. 

“For better or worse.” 

~

“D’you think Jun’s mad at me?” Hoshi whispers. 

Everyone else on the plane is sleeping, headphones or earplugs providing Hoshi’s gossip with extra protection. He and Joshua are sharing a pair of headphones, both of them failing at sleeping through the red-eye flight. 

“Because he didn’t sit next to you? I think he was just trying to do us a favor,” Joshua says. 

“He always sits next to me on flights,” Hoshi insists. 

“I mean, we kind of have been having a lot of sex. I’d get it if he wanted space.” 

They really have been having a lot of sex. It isn’t intentional- they just can’t seem to keep their hands off each other when they get a moment of rare privacy. Or, maybe, it’s Hoshi who can’t keep his hands off Josh. Either way, Jun’s been within earshot of fucking on the regular. 

“Do you think he feels left out?” Hoshi asks. 

“Dude, he specifically told you to stop asking him if he wants to have a threesome,” Joshua snorts. 

“I just want him to feel wanted,” Hoshi says. 

Joshua leans over to plant a kiss on his temple. Hoshi’s heart skips a beat at the sweet gesture. 

“He’s fine, Hoshi,” Joshua says.

He settles his head against Hoshi’s shoulder, re-inserting the earbud that Hoshi had removed to chat. It’s another sweet gesture. Joshua is sweet . Hoshi has heard other people call him cold-hearted on tour. And, yeah, maybe he doesn’t react to fear or sadness or anger the way people like Hoshi do. Maybe he’s been extremely poised about his grief about Jeonghan. 

There’s more to him than that, though, like this sweetness that he’s beginning to let Hoshi see. Hoshi kind of revels in being one of the few people Joshua acts like this with. It makes him feel like an insider. 

And being so close to Josh makes him feel- 

“Hey, Josh?” Hoshi asks, once again removing both their earbuds. 

“Yes?” Joshua asks, only vaguely annoyed. 

“I’ve always wanted to have sex on a plane,” Hoshi tells him. 

Joshua’s eyes light up. 

“We can’t get caught,” Joshua says.

No, they can’t. Getting caught would likely mean getting banned by the airline, which means not being able to travel with the tour, which means getting fired. HR would be involved. Hoshi doesn’t even want to think about what the managers would say. 

“So maybe not, like, full penetration in the bathroom,” Hoshi agrees. 

“Handies under our blankets?” Joshua suggests. 

He says it with an ease that reads to Hoshi like he’s thought about this before. Researched it, even. It all really works out in Hoshi’s favor as Joshua arranges their tiny airplane blankets over their knees to conceal them. 

Hoshi doesn’t think he’ll ever get tired of the sensation of Joshua’s hand on his cock. There isn’t really enough lube here for this to be the best handjob he’s ever received, technically speaking. The eroticism of the scene makes up for the dryness of Joshua’s palm. They are absolutely surrounded by people, and none of them have any fucking idea that Hoshi is hard as a rock. 

Hoshi licks his palm as indiscreetly as he can manage and slips it inside Joshua’s pants. Normally this would make Joshua moan. Here on the plane, he squeezes his eyes shut for a moment, blinking back the pleasure. 

They lock eyes as they jerk each other. Hoshi feels incredibly close to Joshua like this. Secret sex is terrifying and exhilerating and intimate. Hoshi is, as a general rule, loud when he fucks. He’s been attempting politeness for Jun’s sake in their hotel rooms, but he knows he often fails. That isn’t an option here. He bites down on his lip so hard he feels blood as Joshua’s thumb spreads precum over the head of his cock, moving down to massage his frenulum. 

Hoshi wipes at the blood with the thumb of his free hand. Joshua seems to like that. He grabs Hoshi by the wrist and sucks his bloody thumb into his mouth. It is impossible to stop his breath from audibly hitching. Joshua’s tongue is warm and wet as it laps at the pad of his thumb. Joshua has swallowed Hoshi’s cum before, but blood feels- feels- 

Hoshi cums all over Joshua’s hand, all over his own pants. Joshua laughs at him, silently, always teasing. 

It takes Joshua longer to orgasm. Hoshi is evidently a huge fan of cumming in public, but the excitement doesn’t appear to hit Josh in the same way. Hoshi uses his cum as lube, his hand sliding smoothly over Joshua’s cock for the better part of ten minutes before Joshua leans his forehead against Hoshi’s shoulder and spills into his hand.

They take turns cleaning themselves up in the bathroom. Hoshi opts for taking his underwear off completely and storing them in his hoodie pocket. While Joshua dealing with his mess, Hoshi feels a tap on his shoulder. He turns around to see Jun’s face glaring at him from the row behind him. 

“For the record,” Jun says, voice low, “I’m not mad at you.” 

Hoshi blushes. He’d asked Joshua about that a long time ago. Jun must have been awake for their entire performance. 

“Did anyone else notice?” Hoshi asks, panicked. 

“I don’t think so. But I think I’d like to instate a ‘Wall Between Us’ rule,” Jun says. 

“Yeah. Yeah, that’s fair,” Hoshi agrees. 

“It was kind of hot though,” Jun smirks.

He puts his earbuds back in immediately after that elephant of a statement and closes his eyes, feigning sleep. 

“Jun. Jun. Jun, did you watch? Does that mean you watched? Jun, come on!” Hoshi pleads. 

Jun refuses to answer. 

~

Sex on the beach, as it turns out, is Not Fucking It. The idea had seemed great when Joshua suggested it. Phuket is beyond beautiful. Hoshi knows he likes public sex, now. He likes it so much he’s genuinely shocked none of his previous partners had turned on his exhibitionist kink the way that Joshua has been able to do. Being ass up spread open with the whole ocean beside him had sounded like the perfect way to end their concerts in Thailand. 

Instead of feeling vulnerable and fucked out, Hoshi’s dick is dry and sticky from the salty air and his skin is covered in sandfly bites. There is sand up his asshole. His inner thighs are chafed from sand-burn, and he’s overheating, and now he’s got to put his wet board shorts on and walk back to their hotel. 

“You don’t look happy,” Joshua comments. 

He brushes Hoshi’s hair back from his face. It’s a sweet gesture, but all it really manages to do is rub sand into Hoshi’s scalp. 

“I hated that,” Hoshi frowns. 

Joshua’s face pales. 

“Oh, god, did you want me to stop? Hoshi, I-” Joshua begins.

“No, no. I mean, I came like, all over the place. I had fun . I’m just so sandy now. Everywhere,” Hoshi corrects himself. 

Joshua seems relieved, but no less concerned. 

“I thought I saw sand on the condom when I pulled out,” he says. 

“You should put sand up your ass so we’re in this together,” Hoshi suggests, half-joking. 

“Absolutely not. I can give you a bath back at the hotel though, yeah?” Joshua offers.

The walk back to the hotel is unpleasant at best, the sand inside Hoshi irritating and uncomfortable. Jun isn’t in the room- he’s still out at the beach with some of the other dancers. Hoshi is grateful for it. He thinks that Jun would never let it go if he saw Hoshi trying to scrape sand out of his own ass. 

Joshua meant it when he said he’d give Hoshi a bath. He rinses them both off in the shower first, sunscreen and sand swirling together in the drain. Joshua fully bathes him after that, Hoshi in the tub while Joshua sits on the rim rubbing shampoo and conditioner into his hair. Joshua offers to help him get the sand out from inside of himself, but that seems a little too intimate to Hoshi. He douches by himself while Joshua lays in bed. 

Joshua is asleep when he finally makes it out of the bathroom. The sun hasn’t set yet, but they’re more than fucked up from jet lag and performances and the overwhelmingly bright sun of Phuket. Josh could use the rest. Technically, it’s Hoshi’s turn to have the bed to himself. Even with him and Joshua hooking up they’ve tried to maintain that schedule- three guys in one room for six months is a whole lot of being together, sex or not. 

Tonight, Hoshi doesn’t think twice about giving up his facade of alone time. He shimmies into bed next to Joshua. The way the sunset glows gold as it reflects off Joshua’s skin is  too much to resist. 

~

“So, less than two weeks, huh?” Jihoon says over the phone. 

Soonyoung doesn’t know how to feel about it. He misses Jihoon dearly, misses all his friends. He still isn’t sure he’s ready for the tour to be over. All the aspects of home that Joshua and Jun long for- a permanent bed, home cooked meals, consistency in their schedules- aren’t things that Soonyoung likes. He’d live in hotels forever, he thinks, if it meant he could keep seeing this much of the world. 

“Yup. You guys all still coming to Itzy’s big party when we get back?” Soonyoung asks. 

The party is going to be a disaster. He and Joshua both invited all their friends, and all their friends are fucking each other, or someone’s ex, or a horrible combination of the two. The whole thing kind of has Soonyoung believing that all gay people really do know each other. 

“Yeah. I’m excited for you to meet Wonwoo,” Jihoon tells him. 

Soonyoung does not want to meet Wonwoo. Soonyoung very much also does not want to meet Jeonghan. Both will be in attendance. 

“Do I get to veto him as your boyfriend if I don’t like him?” Soonyoung asks. 

“No,” Jihoon says. 

Soonyoung had mostly been joking, but the boundary is important for him to drill into his head. 

“Will I meet Joshua?” Jihoon asks. 

“You’re jealous too,” Soonyoung smiles into the phone. 

“I’m definitely something,” Jihoon agrees. 

Soonyoung has done a lot of thinking about meeting Wonwoo and Jeonghan. He hadn’t considered what it would be like for him to encounter Jihoon and Joshua together. Will he and Josh still be fucking after tour? Will he be fucking Jihoon? 

“It’s nice not to be alone,” Soonyoung says. 

“You’re evil. You’re actually evil, you know that, right?” Jihoon laughs. 

“And you love it,” Soonyoung says. 

“I’m going to say something vulnerable, and then I want us to never talk about it again,” Jihoon tells him. 

“Okay.” 

“I really can’t wait for you to come back,” Jihoon says.

“Yeah,” Hoshi responds, “Me too.” 

He thinks that at least half of him means it. 

~

“I feel kinda bad leaving the party early,” Hoshi says. 

He’s straddling Joshua in their hotel room, both their suit jackets discarded on the floor. Hoshi undoes the button of Joshua’s pants, the heel of his hand grinding against Joshua’s hard cock. 

“You seem very torn up about it, yeah,” Joshua says sardonically. 

“Shut up,” Hoshi says.

He means it petulantly, but on a whim decides to turn it into a command by shoving a few fingers into Joshua’s open mouth. Joshua whines, and then sucks, and then Hoshi really isn’t feeling any regret about bailing on the crew party, penultimate night of tour or not. 

His lips replace his fingers as he leans down to kiss Joshua. Joshua tastes like a medley of fruit-flavored soju and popcorn butter. He always tastes something, some food or lip gloss or candy. Hoshi puts his tongue into Joshua’s mouth, sloppy and deliberate, intent on getting a better taste. 

Joshua’s thigh finds Hoshi’s cock. Hoshi is, even under the best circumstances, weak for pleasure. A few drinks has him unabashedly grinding against Joshua. He makes all kinds of noises against Joshua’s mouth. They haven’t had many opportunities to have sex without Jun in vague proximity. Hoshi plans to take full advantage tonight. 

“Wanna eat you out,” Hoshi admits. 

Joshua whines, the reverberation tickling Hoshi’s lips. Their clothes come off quickly after the suggestion. They’re often in too much of a rush to be completely bare together. Hoshi finds that being skin to skin is extraordinarily intimate. So many parts of Josh taste like something else- the sweetness of his mouth, the musk of the perfume on his neck. There are secret parts of Joshua that are uniquely his . Hoshi relishes in these. He licks at Joshua’s navel, runs his nose down his lower abdomen as he kisses at the base of Joshua’s cock. 

“Sit on my face?” Hoshi requests from between Joshua’s thighs. 

“How are you so hot?” Joshua laughs at him, incredulous. 

Joshua rides his face. He’s so light his weight feels like nothing as he grinds down against Hoshi’s mouth, Hoshi’s tongue lapping deep inside him. Hoshi relishes in the sensation of Joshua’s calves pressing against his ears, his cock brushing against Hoshi’s chest as he writhes. 

“C’n I try something?” Joshua moans.

He’s holding himself up over Hoshi’s body with his arms, shaking. Hoshi replies affirmatively as he continues to lick Joshua’s hole. The vibration has Joshua collapsing forward, and then rolling off him entirely. 

“Come back,” Hoshi pleads.

Joshua does. He slithers on top of Hoshi, this time face to face. For all the times they fucked, they’ve never been completely naked, kissing, cocks flush before. Hoshi can’t get enough of it. They move in slow motion, like a movie, his hands kneading into Joshua’s back, Joshua’s lips slotting against his like they were made for each other. 

Hoshi’s hips rock up to meet Joshua’s. Their cocks are both warm and leaking. The skin of Joshua’s dick is so soft Hoshi feels like he’s rutting against velvet. 

Joshua stops kissing Hoshi for just long enough to slick his hand with spit from Hoshi’s tongue. He wriggles his arm between them and takes hold of both their cocks, his long fingers once again a godsend. Hoshi’s entire being shivers when Joshua begins to stroke. It’s too much, Joshua this close to him, Joshua’s hand, Joshua’s dick.

“Joshua,” Hoshi chokes out, barely a whisper. 

His face falls to the crook of Joshua’s neck, arms tight around his lover. Joshua’s free hand tugs at Hoshi’s wrist. He pulls it between their bodies. Hoshi takes hold of their dicks alongside Joshua’s. Hoshi feels tender, raw, cut wide open and vulnerable. He loves this, loves this, loves to hold hands with Joshua while their cocks rut in between. 

“It feels wrong to call you by your stage name when we’re close like this,” Joshua tells him.

He looks into Hoshi’s eyes, their interlaced hands still pumping their cocks. Joshua’s dick is so warm and hard against his, and the mere idea of Joshua cumming so close to Hoshi’s erection has his mind spinning. 

“You know my real name,” Hoshi tells him. 

Joshua smiles, and then buries his face in Hoshi’s neck. His lips suck something fierce into Hoshi’s skin. Joshua gasps for air, his hand moving faster along their shafts. Hoshi thumbs over Joshua’s head and Joshua bites. 

“You feel so good. Wanna be inside you, Soonyoung,” Joshua says. 

Something inside Soonyoung breaks. 

He thinks that it’s the first time that Joshua has used his given name. 

Joshua’s closeness feels instantly, irrevocably, like an integral part of Soonyoung’s existence. Joshua is supposed to be a tour fling, but here he is, calling Soonyoung by his real name in the bed they share more nights than not. He’s supposed to be a tour fling, but Soonyoung is obsessed with him. Can’t get the taste of him out of his mouth. 

“Hey. Hey, Josh,” Soonyoung says. 

His hand leaves their dicks, pushing instead against Joshua’s shoulder. Joshua is a wonderful, caring man. He stops as soon as he’s realized that something is off, using his arms to lift himself off Soonyoung.

“Are you okay? Too much?” Joshua asks.

And, yeah. That’s exactly it, isn’t it? This whole fucking thing is so much more than Soonyoung had intended for it to be. 

“We have to stop,” Soonyoung tells him. 

“Okay, of course. What’s happening, Soonyoung? Are you okay?” Joshua questions. 

“Yeah, no, that was really good. It’s always really good, you know?” Soonyoung says. 

Joshua shifts off of him, sitting naked on the bedspread. Soonyoung remains splayed out on his back, dick still rock-hard. He looks up at the ceiling, frowning. 

“I’m worried about you,” Joshua says. 

His hand ghosts over Soonyoung’s shoulder. Soonyoung feels like crying. 

“I meant, like, we have to stop doing this altogether,” Soonyoung says, swallowing down a growing lump in his throat. 

“Hey, okay. That’s fine. But what’s happening? Please, talk to me. Did I do something wrong?” Joshua asks. 

“No. You’re so great Joshua. I just think I’m in love with you,” Soonyoung says.

“Oh. Hoshi, I’m so sorry,” Joshua says. 

And those are never good words to hear after a love confession, are they? Soonyoung expected rejection, had set the situation up to receive it, but it still stings.  

“I think I’m gonna get dressed,” Soonyoung says.

“Okay. Yeah, me too.” 

They get dressed in silence. It isn’t entirely uncomfortable. Soonyoung preferred being pressed against Joshua’s body, for sure, but that’s all over with now. 

He realizes that he could have kept the sex going, at least until next week when they arrive back in Seoul, if he only could have kept his mouth shut. 

“Are you really in love with me?” Joshua asks, now fully clothed. 

He settles down on the bed. Soonyoung joins him. They sit side by side, knees knocking together. 

“I just figured it out, like, three minutes ago,” Soonyoung admits. 

Joshua looks at him with so much fondness. Soonyoung can see the change in his face as he becomes endeared, the softening in Joshua’s eyes, the hint of a frown. 

“You know I can’t… I care about you so much, Soonyoung. But I’m still in love with Jeonghan,” Joshua says. 

“I know. And I’ve still got feelings for my guy, too, you know? This is confusing,” Soonyoung says. 

Joshua pets his head. It’s a gesture Soonyoung had become enamoured with during tour. Tonight, after his love confession, it burns inside his gut. He shrinks back from it instinctively. Joshua pulls his hand away when he notices. 

“I’m sorry. I… sorry. I guess I didn’t realize how comfortable I got touching you,” Joshua says. 

“It’s fine. I just think it’s too much right now, you know?” Soonyoung says. 

“I can see how it would be, yeah.”

“Well. Wanna get dressed and go back to the party?” Soonyoung offers. 

Joshua’s eyes dart over Soonyoung’s body. Soonyoung doesn’t think he does it on purpose. He certainly didn’t do it with intention . Soonyoung feels as if he’s on fire regardless, the confusion of desire and rejection all wrapped up in his chest. He doesn’t want Joshua to ask him to stay here, to talk about things. He loves Joshua, and Joshua doen’t love him, so now they aren’t fucking anymore. It’s done. 

“Yeah,” Joshua agrees, ever merciful, “Let’s go dance.”