Chapter Text
Jimin was screwed.
He knew that since the first time he coughed up red flower petals four and a half years ago.
He knew that when Taehyung followed him after he sprinted in the middle of dance practice without giving a reason, only to find the reason in the form of a tiger lily clutched in Jimin’s shaking hands.
And he definitely knew that when he started coughing in the middle of a concert.
It was bound to happen. Taehyung could only cover for him so many times, and Jimin could only choke it down so much. Swallowing flowers in front of fans like he’s tried to swallow his love for his dongsaeng for years. Time and experience proved the first was easier.
The staff had looked worried when he rushed backstage but thankfully no one tried to stop him from leaving mid-song. Jimin had thought he could make it till the next dress change, but he was only two choruses away. His only thought at the moment was hoping ARMY didn’t notice. Though he knew it was a lost cause. They always noticed.
The lilies were always a painful reminder of Jimin’s unrequited love. They even had timing, the first one showed up just hours before he planned on confessing. Of course, his plans for the day had changed to staying in bed and crying for a few years. The small frown on Jungkook’s face when the older told him their dinner was canceled felt like getting hit by a truck.
Jimin threw the petals away under some tissues to hide them, and even looped around the hallway so it looked like he came from the makeup room, just in case someone found them. As expected, Taehyung was sitting in front of his dressing room, already in his next outfit.
He didn’t look mad. No, he was long past getting mad at Jimin for lying to their hyungs. He just looked worried.
“Are you okay?” his best friend asked softly, hands coming up to cling to Jimin’s. He could only nod mutely in response.
“Jimin-Hyung!” Oh no. “What happened? Are you alright?”
Jimin spun around to face his dongsaeng, fellow idol, the reason for his pending death, but most of all, the love of his life. Jungkook looked so adorable with his eyes wide with worry, Jimin almost cooed. Almost.
“I’m fine, Jungkook-ah,” Jimin answered. Taehyung squeezed his hand. “I just got something caught in my throat, I didn’t want to make a scene in front of ARMY.”
Jungkook raised an eyebrow, disbelief clear on his face, but he let it go, choosing to go annoy his other hyungs instead. Not before flashing the bunny smile that had Jimin falling for him in the first place and saying, “As long as you’re okay, Hyung.”
Jimin was devastated. And royally screwed.
Taehyung squeezed his hand once more, “You should go change if you still wanna perform.”
No matter how many times the younger would ask his fellow 95 to take it easy in shows and practices, Jimin always pushed himself to his limit and then some. Today wasn’t going to change that. “Just two more songs then the encore right? Gimme three minutes.”
The rest of the songs went by without mishap, and by the time they were saying their goodbye speeches, his hyungs had stopped the periodical worried glances at Jimin. Looking out onto the crowd as it was his turn, Jimin apologized, “I’m so sorry for running off earlier, I needed to cough but it sounded like I was dying.”
The fans shouted back in question, and Jimin laughed at some of the things he heard. “Why am I dying? I don’t know, probably because of something that kills you. Like cancer.”
“Jimin no!” Namjoon half laughed. “Don’t listen to him, he doesn’t have cancer he’s just being dramatic.”
“I never said I had cancer, I said it’s something that can kill you,” Jimin rebuffed. “Beware of canned foods ARMY, stay healthy.”
30 minutes later, Taehyung laid down on a couch backstage where Jimin was zipping up his hoodie. “Cancer huh?”
“Just trying to let them down slowly,” Jimin huffed under his breath, not looking up from his task. Taehyung’s smile faded.
“Jimin-”
“Rather it be cancer than hanahaki right? That would just be embarrassing.” Taehyung’s eyes were sad when Jimin looked up, sarcastic smile doing nothing to dull the mood his words brought.
“Hanahaki?”
Jimin froze. Taehyung’s eyes widened toward someone behind him.
“Hanahaki?” Jin asked again.
The older 95 turned around, but he couldn’t say anything. Taehyung sat up, trying to speak for him, “Hyung-”
Jimin’s violent coughing cut him off, running to the bathroom in the next room. Taehyung followed quickly with a small, “Jimin!”, but Jin saw the red flower petal falling right before he closed the door.
The eldest member blinked back tears as his dongsaengs came back into the room. “How long?”
Jimin kept his head hung low with his answer, “Almost five years.”
Whatever Jin was expecting, it was not that . “ Five ye- Jimin! Why didn’t you tell me?” The hurt was clear on his face. Not that Jin knowing would’ve changed anything, but at least he would have someone else to lean on.
“Because it’s stupid.”
“A fatal disease isn’t stupid Jimi-”
“Hanahaki is for people who can’t even get someone to love them back!” Jimin shouted, his eyes finally leaving the floor. “It’s as simple as that! And then they die for it.”
“You can’t control people’s feelings Jimin-ah. The fact that they don’t love you back in that way doesn’t make you weak,” Jin comforted, hugging the younger. Jimin buried his face in his hyung’s neck.
“Who is it?” Jimin didn’t answer, unmoving from his position with arms around Jin’s broad shoulders. Jin’s eyes flitted to Taehyung for an answer.
“Jungkookie,” Taehyung whispered.
Jin closed his eyes. “That...makes this a lot more complicated.”
Once Jimin let go of Jin, the elder made sure to ask, “Who knows?”
“Just Tae,” Jimin answered. He looked like he was on the verge of tears.
“Not even the doctor?” Jimin shook his head.
“Jimin-ah...”
Jimin knew it was stupid. He knew he could get help. But as Jin said, it was complicated. If it wasn’t Jungkook he would’ve told everyone and gotten the surgery done as soon as possible, forgotten about whoever it was, and kept living his life. But it was Jungkook. And his entire life was tied to Jungkook’s.
Forgetting who Jungkook was meant forgetting BTS’s future.
And it’s not like they could easily explain the situation to ARMY and the press without ruining their lives. Just because BigHit was okay with their very obviously not straight band, not to mention Jin and Namjoon’s relationship, doesn’t mean that suddenly the media wouldn’t demonetize them.
Also, what would they say? “Sorry, we’re going to be on hiatus for a while so we can have Jimin relearn who Jungkook is, poor guy forgot after getting surgery for the Hanahaki Disease!” Um, no.
So Jimin never told the doctor. He didn’t want to die, but he didn’t have a plan either.
“Jimin-ah, I know that it isn’t easy. But we’re not just going to let you die. We’re going to help you, okay Baby?”
Jimin wiped the tear that struggled its way out of his eye and nodded.
“Is it okay if I tell Joon? No one else, but...he’s our leader. He needs to know.” Jin knew Yoongi would be livid after finding out how long Jimin’s been lying, but that wasn’t the point. He just wanted Jimin to stay alive.
“Yeah, it’s fine.”
Jin managed a smile, “Okay. Let’s go home, shall we?”
The 95’s nodded. “We’ll be right after you,” Taehyung added.
The eldest nodded and left. (He might’ve stopped to go to the bathroom in the hallway and let himself cry for a little bit.)
Taehyung rubbed Jimin’s shoulder comfortingly, “You did the right thing. You can’t lie anymore.”
Jimin nodded. Time was ticking anyway. With quick research, he’d learned Hanahaki had four stages. The first was coughing up petals every couple of days. The second involved a whole flower a week. The third was a flower every day and petals every few hours. The fourth was a flower every hour. That one only lasted seven to eight days. Then the vines covered your heart...and you died. And the longer you waited the riskier the surgery was. Only four out of seven people survived the surgery in the fourth stage.
Jimin was on the third.
Jimin was sitting on his bed later that night reading a book when the coughing overtook him again. Someone knocked on his door right as he was getting up.
“One minute!” he shouted through the coughs.
Jimin ran to the bathroom, his throat felt like it was being mauled with a rake as he coughed. He knew it had been way more than a minute, and didn’t notice anyone open the bathroom door till he felt a hand rubbing soothing circles into his back.
A few moments later, the tiger lily finally fell out of his mouth. Jimin wished the flowers weren’t so beautiful. Something that was killing him shouldn’t be pretty.
Then again, Jungkook was gorgeous as well.
Jimin flushed away the flower and stood up, trying to wipe away his tears before facing whoever had come in for him.
As expected, it was Namjoon. His hyung moved Jimin’s hand away from rubbing at his eyes, replacing it with his own, shirt sleeve pulled down like a makeshift cloth.
“You shouldn’t rub, it hurts your skin.”
The younger could barely nod before more tears came flowing out, but Namjoon kept dabbing away, face calm, as if he didn’t just see his dongsaeng cough up an entire flower.
Namjoon softly led Jimin back to his bed so he could sit down, close enough to keep a comforting hand on his back. “Jinnie-hyung told me what happened.”
Jimin only nodded.
Namjoon nodded back, understanding he wasn’t up for talking much. “Do you know what stage you’re at?”
“Three.”
His hyung visibly tensed, but quickly worked through it. “That’s okay.”
After a few moments of silence, Namjoon tried to bring up the conversation he wished he didn’t have to have. “I know getting the surgery would mean...complications for the band, but I hope you know we’re ready to get behind anything you want to do-”
“I don’t want to get the surgery.”
Namjoon blinked. “What?”
“I don’t want to get the surgery,” Jimin repeated.
“Okay...” Namjoon started, drawing out the word. “But why? I know you love being an idol, and Bangtan, but our jobs have to come second to your health Jimin-ah. We can’t just let you die.”
“It’s not that, it’s-” Jimin was choking up again. “I can’t forget him .”
Namjoon’s following sigh was somewhere between devastation, frustration, and endearment. Wrapping his arms around his dongsaeng, he put the topic to rest for the night. “I know Baby.”
“I can’t Hyung, I can’t-” the tears were back full force but Namjoon couldn’t care less about the drops falling on his shirt. He just wanted to hold Jimin and keep doing that for years because his tiny dongsaeng could not die. “He’s everything to me Hyung, I can’t let him go like that.”
(Namjoon was always a loud crier, and everyone knew that, but he prayed for Jimin’s own sake that the younger couldn’t hear him that night.)
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Jin took Jimin to the doctor two days later, telling Yoongi, Hoseok, and Jungkook that they were going for errands. The remaining Kim’s were waiting on the couch when they came home, only confirming what they already knew. Jimin was already in stage three.
The doctor had slightly reprimanded him for not telling her sooner, but had then given him a soft smile and even prescribed chamomile tea for the throat pain after coughing.
Jin was talking about how the doctor had said that the surgery was complicated and she’d have to contact the right surgeons (only the best for Jimin of course) and prepare well if he chose to take it when Jimin quickly ran to the bathroom in a coughing fit.
“She said the surgery would be best before the New Year-” Everyone’s attention had averted to the member sprinting and quickly locking the door behind himself. Jin sighed. “I hate seeing him like this.”
“I do too. I’ve been trying for years to convince him to say something to you but I always lucked out,” Taehyung admitted. “I don’t know how to help him anymore.”
“Getting the surgery would help,” Jin offered.
Namjoon shook his head, “He doesn’t want the surgery.”
“What?” Jin looked aghast. “No one should love work that much-”
“He doesn’t want to forget Jungkook.” Jin’s gaze softened at Namjoon’s words.
“I heard my name?” The Kim line whipped their heads toward where their maknae stood, just a couple feet away from the couch where Namjoon and Taehyung were sitting and the table Jin was sitting on.
“Why are you all looking at me like that?” Jungkook’s eye’s flitted from each of his present hyungs stares toward him.
“Like what?” Jin asked softly, wringing his wrists like he does when he’s anxious.
“Like I just kicked your puppy.”
The couple didn’t have anything to say because, “Well we know you didn’t mean to kick our puppy.” definitely was not an option, but thankfully Taehyung came to the rescue with one of their random youngest squabbles.
“You ate part of my wafers.”
Jungkook’s eyes widened. “I-How did you know it was me?”
“You always leave a tiny bit at the end as if you didn’t eat the entire row. No one else does that,” Taehyung accused.
“Ah. I’ll make sure not to do that next time.” Taehyung gave him an offended face.
“Well...if that was the only puppy I kicked...” Jungkook started again, surveying his hyung’s looks a second time. “I’m going to go make myself some hot chocolate.” The kitchen door swung closed behind the maknae as he left for his drink.
Jin sighed defeatedly. “He’s just a kid.”
“They’re both just kids,” his husband added.
“They’re both my best friends,” Taehyung whispered quietly. He couldn’t just pretend Jimin’s condition wasn’t hurting him as well. Somehow he was going to lose one or the other.
“I know sweetie,” Jin called, reaching out to push back Taehyung’s hair.
Jimin came back and sat on the couch arm next to Tae quietly.
“Are you okay?” Namjoon asked. “Was it a flower?”
He nodded. “It was, I’m fine though. Well, the tea would be nice.”
Jin nodded quickly, pressing a kiss to his sick dongsaeng’s forehead before running off to the kitchen. Namjoon followed him after tousling Jimin’s hair with a soft smile, but Taehyung opted to stay where he was, turning and hugging Jimin around the waist from his place on the couch arm.
Jimin played with Taehyung’s hair, whispering, “I’m sorry I’m putting you guys through this.”
Taehyung’s face was hidden in his soulmate’s torso but his muffled response came, “Don’t be sorry. Just don’t leave me.”
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No decisions were made that day, or in the two weeks it took for Jimin’s annual check-up to come around. Jin refused to let him go anywhere without someone with him, always sending Taehyung or Namjoon if he couldn’t join Jimin himself, just in case his case worsens, or if he chokes on a flower. Judging by the fact that it had happened once or a couple of times, the younger chose not to argue.
But all three Kim’s were busy when his check-up rolled around, and Jin was on the verge of rescheduling before Yoongi spoke up. “I could go with him if you need someone to. I’m not busy, and the doctor could check up on my arm if she has time.”
Jin smiled widely and nodded, “Yeah, yeah that would work.”
The check-up went through with no coughing fits, the doctor had asked him a couple of questions about how he was feeling but he answered those easily since Yoongi was waiting outside. After she deemed Jimin as healthy as ever (as he could be), she quickly checked on Yoongi’s arm and then sent them on their way.
Weirdly, when they were sitting in the car Jimin could feel something off with his hyung. Yoongi’s eyes held a strange mix of worry, fear, and anger, even though his facial expression was as calm as ever. “Hyung, is something wrong?”
“When were you going to tell me?” Yoongi looked straight ahead while asking the question.
Jimin was confused, “...what?”
“That you’re sick.”
Oh.
“I-” Jimin didn’t have an excuse. He swore he was going to tell Yoongi and Hoseok before October ended, but honestly? He didn’t know if it would actually happen. “How did you find out?”
“They have it on your files.” Of course, Jimin should’ve thought of that before handing them to Yoongi so he could go with the doctor. “Stage three huh? You know after stage four you die.”
“I’m sorry hyung.”
“Sorry? Jimin I don’t want you to be sorry I want an explanation.” Yoongi didn’t get angry at his dongsaengs very often, but half the time he did it was because he was scared. And this? This terrified him.
“I didn’t want to do anything about it. I wasn’t ready to admit that I need that goddamn surgery or I’m going to die. So I didn’t tell anyone. Tae found out on accident 4 years ago-” Yoongi’s eyes widened, “-but Jin-hyung only found out two weeks ago. He told Namjoon-hyung and took me to the doctor. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you Hyung but...I didn’t want to scare you. Because when you get scared it means it’s real.”
Yoongi didn’t expect the sudden confession from the younger. “Jimin-ah...I get that. But it is real. Stage three is very real. I don’t have a choice but to be scared. And the paper said you don’t even have a surgery planned, what’s with that?”
“It’s complicated hyung.”
“I know forgetting about someone you love is going to hurt, but Jimin-ah we can’t- I can’t have you die-”
“Getting the surgery means the end of my career Hyung.”
Yoongi was stumped, “What?”
“How would you explain why I forgot who Jungkook was to the public?”
Yoongi closed his eyes and leaned his head back against the seat. Hoseok owes him 15000 won. But his mouth tasted sour.
“Jimin-ah come here.” Jimin obeyed, scooting closer. Not crying, but not entirely calm either, if the trembling bottom lip was a giveaway.
Yoongi wrapped an arm around his dongsaeng, letting the younger rest his head on his shoulders. “You know that I’m scared of things I can’t stop or explain right? Hanahaki Disease is both. It would be one thing if it was happening to me, but to you-” he shook his head. “I am by no means an old man, but when it comes to my members my heart becomes tiny and frail as if it could crumble at the sight of your frowns. I physically, emotionally, and mentally cannot take it if anything happens to you. Dying is out of the question.
“The point is, I need you to understand that no matter how much you love him, no matter how much you love being an idol, your safety and health matters first. We need you to be alive first. Because I don’t know what’s going on in your head, but if you think the band will have consequences if you get the surgery, it would be much worse if you died. Much worse. We need you Jimin-ah. Alive.”
(And if Yoongi cried himself to sleep that night out of pure fear , it was no one’s business.)
Hours later Jimin finally understood why disappointment was worse than anger.
After getting home Yoongi went to talk to Jin, and Jimin had torn Hoseok away from his game of Mariokart with Jungkook, saying it was important and he needed to talk to him. The maknae had wanted to come too, saying if it was important then he should know too shouldn’t he? But Jimin waved it off, saying it wasn’t that important. Jungkook frowned but went back to his game.
Jimin hated himself for causing that frown.
He also hated himself after explaining the whole situation to Hoseok, from the beginning, and seeing his hyung’s smile slowly fade away as he went on.
“I know that keeping a fatal disease a secret for five years is stupid, but I’m sorry Hyung I didn’t know what else to do. I didn’t want to do anything. Are you mad?”
Hoseok sighed, reaching out to ruffle Jimin’s hair and put a hand on his shoulder. “I’m not mad Jiminie, I’m just disappointed.”
And that stung so much worse. He disappointed his own Hobi-Hyung.
“Hanahaki isn’t something you should keep a secret from the people who care about you Jimin-ah. It’s scary. We can’t lose you.”
“I know, Hyung, I-” Shit, Jimin was crying.
“No, don’t cry,” Hoseok cooed, kicking off the blanket near his legs and crawling across the bed Jimin, immediately resting the younger’s face on his shoulder.
“I’m sorry Hobi-Hyung, I screwed up-”
“It’s not your fault Baby. Hyung’s here. You’re fine, you’re going to be fine, no one’s mad at you.”
“Yoongi-Hyung-”
“Hyung isn’t mad he’s just scared. And he doesn’t know how to express that well because he doesn’t get scared often. We’re all just scared Jimin, we don’t want to lose you.”
Jimin’s crying only increased at that, but he managed to choke out, “I don’t want to lose him .”
Hoseok hoped Jimin didn’t notice the tears that escaped his eyes. “I know, Baby. It’s okay.”
“No, I don’t want to forget him, I don’t want to hurt him, I don’t want to leave him-”
“I know, but Jiminie it’ll be worse if you die. Jungkookie’s not going to be okay if you die.”
Jimin’s voice softened. “Everyone keeps telling me that. And I know it’s true but...I just wish-” he cut himself off, burying his face deeper in Hoseok’s neck instead.
“I wish there was another option too Jiminie.” Hoseok rubbed his dongsaeng’s back comfortingly, but he honestly wasn’t sure if it was for the younger or himself. “Believe me, we all do. But we don’t need to think about that right now okay? Right now, let’s wipe away our tears, and try to live our lives without a sense of impending doom.” That choked a laugh out of the younger.
As Hoseok softly dabbed away Jimin’s tears like Jin had done to him more times than he cared to admit, he remembered one thing he had meant to ask Jimin. “One last question? If you’re fine?” Jimin nodded.
“Jungkookie? Are you going to tell him?”
Jimin shook his head, “I-I don’t know Hyung.”
Hoseok nodded, “That’s okay, that’s fine. We’re going to figure this out okay? You, me, and Jin-Hyung’s mom senses.” Jimin laughed at that. “You have all your hyungs, and Tae, okay? You’re going to be fine.”
Jimin nodded again, “Yeah, okay.”
“Hyungs?”
Hoseok and Jimin whipped around to face their dongsaeng peeking his head in through the door, carrying a cup of tea. “Jinnie-Hyung told me to give this to you. Are you okay? I heard Jiminie-Hyung crying.” The concern on Jungkook’s face almost broke Jimin in half.
He waved for the younger to come in, handing Jimin the tea and sitting on the edge of his bed.
“Jiminie’s fine, Kookie, he’s just a little more stressed than usual, right?”
Jimin nodded while sipping the tea Jungkook brought. “It’s fine Kook-ah.”
Jungkook nodded slowly, “Okay. But you know you can talk to me too right? You don’t need to depend on just Tae or the hyungs. I’m here.”
Smiling Jimin pulled his dongsaeng in for a hug. “I know Kookie. I’m fine though.”
“Alright, but can I at least stay here tonight? With you?”
Hoseok looked at Jimin, his eyes offering to drag out Jungkook with him if Jimin would rather be alone.
Jimin shook his head slightly so Jungkook wouldn’t notice, then turned to the maknae and nodded. “Yeah, you can stay.”
Jungkook grinned happily at that, and Jimin figured the ache in his chest was worth it.
Hoseok smiled at the two, “Well, I’ll take my leave.” He patted his dongsaengs’s heads and left the room. (And maybe buried himself in Yoongi’s arms and cried until his eyes were much too red and puffy for filming the next day.)
After the door closed, Jungkook turned back to Jimin but didn’t say anything. Jimin blinked at him, putting down his mug. “Well? Are we going to cuddle or are just going to stare at me accusingly.”
That made the younger smile, snuggling up next to his hyung and draping a blanket over the two of them. Jimin sat up so he could drink the rest of his tea, but Jungkook laid down with his head in Jimin’s lap, just looking up at the older.
“Are you really okay Hyung?” Jungkook asked as Jimin set down his cup.
Jimin rolled his eyes, “Yes Bun, I’m fine. Big spoon or little spoon?”
“Big. But Hyung...” The light turned off. “You’ve been distant lately. Did I do something wrong?”
“No, Kook-ah. Like Hobi-Hyung said, it’s just stress. I’m sorry it seems like I’ve been avoiding you.” Truth be told, he wasn’t trying. But between his hyungs and Taehyung fussing over him, the flowers, and work, he honestly hadn’t spent as much time with Jungkook as he usually would. But it seemed like every time he thought to go see the maknae, flower petals came up to stop him. Jimin shook the thought away and tugged Jungkook’s arm around his waist to hug him. He was here now.
“It’s okay Hyung. I just missed you.” Jimin’s heart was throbbing.
“I love you Hyung,” Jungkook whispered, right on the back of his neck. Jimin inwardly shivered, pushing away the hurt.
“I love you too Kookie.” And it’s killing me.
Jimin woke up with flower petals crawling their way out his throat like the animal they were named for. He tried to shove Jungkook’s arm off him as gently as he could, sprinting to the bathroom and locking the door just in case the younger got up. Half a minute later, he flushed the orange hues down the toilet.
“Hyung?” Jungkook’s sleepy voice called. Jimin smiled, trying not to think about the burn in his throat.
“Hey, bedhead.” Jimin brushed Jungkook’s hair out of his eyes. “Did I wake you up?”
Jungkook nodded softly, “Are you-”
“I’m fine, just that pesky throat thing again. Don’t worry about it. We have the morning off, sleep in. I’ll go make myself some more tea.”
The maknae looked like he wanted to protest, but a yawn overtook him and he gave in. “Okay Hyung.”
Jimin walked into the kitchen, heading to the kettle to warm up water for tea as he’d planned, but Jin stopped him and handed him a mug. “I was already up, heard you coughing.”
The younger nodded and took the tea, “Thank you Hyungie.”
Jin nodded, a soft smile appearing. “Let’s go to the dining room.”
His dongsaeng followed him, unsuspecting of the crowd waiting for him at the table. “Is this an intervention?” he asked, glancing from each of his hyungs and Taehyung.
Namjoon answered, “No,” at the same time Yoongi nodded, “Yes.” Hoseok elbowed his hyung.
“What? Okay fine, it’s not, happy?” Yoongi turned back to Jimin with Hoseok’s nod.
“Don’t be scared Jimin,” Jin called, sitting in his seat next to the head of the table, which by default went to Namjoon. “We just want to talk. Without Jungkook, obviously.”
“Feels like I failed a math test,” Jimin mumbled as he took his seat.
“We have to talk about the surgery. So the doctor knows which surgeons she needs,” Hoseok explained.
“I don’t really have a choice do I?” Jimin deadpanned. “I don’t want to die. And there are no other options.”
“We know that,” Taehyung started. “But that doesn’t make it any easier.”
“I don’t want to talk about that anymore. It’s the only option.”
“Okay,” Yoongi sighed, somewhat relieved. “But what does that mean for Bangtan?”
“We shouldn’t worry about that right now,” Jin said quickly. “The important thing is Jimin. We should just focus on the surgery for now.”
“Let’s announce a short hiatus two weeks before the surgery. Give us a few months to sort things out,” Namjoon offered. “But we’d have to tell Hitman Bang.”
“That’s fine,” Jimin answered. “As long as he doesn’t tell Kook.”
“Speaking of which, are you ever going to tell him?” Hoseok asked.
Jimin cast his eyes down. “I still don’t know how to do that.”
“You have time,” Taehyung comforted. “We’ll figure it out.”
“Okay.” Jin tried for a smile, then gave up. “I’ll make those calls.”
Namjoon nodded, “Yea I’ll help.”
The door swung open, revealing a messy-haired, sleepy-eyed maknae holding a glass of milk. Everybody tensed.
Jungkook’s eyes swept across their little meeting, “What is this, court or something?”
“Or something,” Yoongi answered, quickly getting up and grabbing the youngest’s arm. “Come make breakfast with me.”
“But I-” the rest of Jungkook’s sentence disappeared behind the kitchen door.
Jin sighed and pulled out his phone, Namjoon doing the same. Hoseok got up, “I’ll go help them.” He ruffled Jimin’s hair and left.
Jimin turned to Taehyung, who was sitting next to him. He looked seemingly bored. “Want to split a Hershey’s bar? I’ve got cookies and cream.”
The older of the two shrugged. “Why not?”
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“Jimin you can’t just stay quiet! You have to tell him!”
“I can’t Tae, I love him!”
“Then tell him! If you loved him you would let him know, you wouldn’t just disappear!” Taehyung yelled back. They were in the practice room, in the first week of their hiatus, and Jimin still hadn’t told Jungkook he was sick. And Tae was very angry about that.
“Just say something! You want the last thing you leave Jungkook with to be the fact that you never said goodbye?!”
“What am I even supposed to say?! ‘Sorry, I’ve been in love with you for the past five years but don’t worry, I know you don’t like me back because I’m dying!’”
Taehyung shook his head. “I know it's hard and confusing but you can’t just lie until the surgery. You can’t just leave him like that.”
“Tae it’s already hard enough doing this. I don’t want to leave him at all. I don’t have a choice.”
“But you have a choice when it comes to telling him.” Taehyung grabbed Jimin’s hands. “You can tell him, and let him know you don’t have a choice, or you can stay quiet, leave without a word and watch him break. Please. Just tell him goodbye.”
Jimin nodded, pushing back the tears in his eyes. “I don’t know how.”
“Don’t know how to do what?” Jungkook’s head peeked in from the other side of the room.
Taehyung raised his eyebrows at his soulmate, who shook his head and lowered his voice so Jungkook couldn’t hear them. “Not now. I’ll tell him soon. I promise.”
Dropping Jimin’s hands, Taehyung shook his head. “You say that Jimin, but I don’t know if I can believe you.”
He spun in his heel and was out of the practice room before Jimin could call after him.
Jungkook came in, reaching out and putting a hand on Jimin’s shoulder. “Did you guys fight?”
Jimin hung his head. “A little bit.”
“Do you want to talk about it?” Jungkook asked, holding Jimin’s hand and leading him to the table in the corner of the room, sitting down.
“Not really, no.”
They sat in silence for a few more minutes before Jungkook broke it. “Are you mad at me?”
“No, why would you-”
“You’ve been avoiding me for weeks, and don’t say you haven’t, and it seems like since before your birthday every time I’ve told you that you can talk to me and I’m here for you, you just keep ignoring it! And I don’t want to force you to open up to me but I don’t understand why you’re being so closed off. You’re not telling me anything, no one’s telling me anything goddammit. We’re going on hiatus and for what? Because we need to rest? We don’t need rest, we’re on top of the world right now! But no one’s willing to tell me anything.”
Jimin hadn’t realized how confusing the last couple of weeks must’ve been to the maknae. “I’m sorry.”
“I’m sorry?” Jungkook scoffed. “Is that it?”
“I don’t know what else to say.”
Jungkook got up from the table and started walking away. “Fine. Let me know when you do. Or if any of you do.”
The door swung close. Jimin buried his face in his hands. Screwing up was his specialty, wasn’t it?
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The next week passed by as normal. As normal as it could be when Jimin quietly reported he was officially in stage four five days before the surgery. But Jungkook still didn’t know, so they had to maintain a calm front. So they went to work (just dance practice, for fun), and honestly seeing Yeonjun sprinting down the hall chasing after Beomgyu with scissors and hearing the echoes of Jay’s loud complaints about his fellow 02s made the week seem normal. Under control. Calm. Everything that it wasn’t.
Jungkook could feel the tense atmosphere, and he was having none of it. “If you guys are going to keep secrets and keep giving me those looks, I’ll just leave.” He was out the door before Jin could stop him.
Namjoon caught his husband’s arm and pulled him back. “You only need to worry if he comes home after eleven. He’s an adult, he’ll be fine.”
Jimin came back from the bathroom then, swallowing and wincing from the ache his latest flower left behind. He gladly accepted the tea Jin passed him. A flower per hour was not fun.
He tried not to think about the statistics, about how only four out of seven people survive surgery in their fourth stage. But it got to him anyway. He couldn’t die on bad terms with Jungkook.
And that’s why he ended up in the younger's doorway, the speech he’d written in his brain long gone, trying to figure out where to start.
Suddenly an alarm on Jungkook’s phone went off. The maknae quickly turned it off but Jimin read the time. 3:26.
The last flower and been at six in the morning.
“Well, don’t let that stop you,” Jungkook said, tossing his phone onto his couch.
The 95 racked his brain for an excuse. “The last few months have been hard since that concert, I don’t think that throat thing is going away any time soon. I was just super stressed out about it, and my throat keeps getting worse so we took a hiatus. I didn’t want to tell you because you looked so bummed about it and the others were just respecting that. I'm sorry. And I didn’t want you to have to worry about me too so I didn’t tell you before. But I think my throats starting to get better.”
Jungkook blinked. “That...was it? You guys all lied to me for weeks...because your throat felt weird?”
“It got really bad Kook-ah.”
“Well, okay. But you guys made me think you were dying or something.”
Jimin choked back a laugh, “I’m sorry, we should’ve told you sooner.”
“It’s fine. That was just...anticlimactic. But if I’d known we were on hiatus because of that I wouldn’t have been so bummed!”
Smiling, Jimin apologized again. Jungkook waved it off. “Well if you feel alright, would you like to play a game with me?”
“Maybe later, I have to go talk to Yoongi-Hyung really quickly,” Jimin dodged.
Once Jimin made his way over to Yoongi on the couch he sat down, cutting right to the chase. “Are you sure there’s no other cure for Hanahaki?”
Yoongi sighed, “Not one that’s been discovered, Jimin. And we don’t have time to talk about this again-”
“I haven’t coughed a flower since six A.M.”
The face Yoongi made was almost comical. “What?”
“I didn’t notice at first but stage four is a flower an hour right? Maybe I'm getting better.” Jimin sounded so hopeful.
“I don’t know...” Yoongi started. “The only way I’ve ever heard of that happening is losing feelings.”
“But I don’t feel like I'm losing feelings.”
“It’s a subconscious thing, you never know, ” Yoongi reasoned.
Jimin sighed, “After five years is that even possible?”
“It can be.”
After a moment of silence, Yoongi started to reason again. “Look, let’s cross our fingers and hope you are getting over him. But just in case, let’s not cancel the surgery yet okay? Do you want to call the doctor and see what she says?” Jimin nodded. “Okay, I’ll let Hyung know.”
The doctor told Jimin that she’d postpone the surgery if he still hadn’t coughed up any flowers by the day of. She also said that if they hit the two-week mark without a single petal then he was fine.
Jimin didn’t really understand how he could’ve started losing feelings after so long, but Yoongi was right, it was a subconscious thing. Maybe his heart finally gave up. At least it was saving him.
Taehyung walked into the living room after Jimin hung up, sitting down on the couch across from Jimin but not saying anything. He was ignoring him, he had been since they fought about telling Jungkook.
“I tried telling him today, ” Jimin offered, in hopes of starting a conversation.
The younger raised an eyebrow, “Tried?”
“Just hear me out, okay?” Taehyung pursed his lips but nodded for Jimin to continue. “I was going to tell him, but I ended up lying again because when I saw the time, I realized I haven’t coughed up a flower in nine hours.”
Taehyung’s eyes widened. “Aren’t you supposed to cough one up every hour?”
Jimin smiled, “The doctor said I might be getting better.”
“How is that possible?” Taehyung questioned.
“Yoongi-Hyung thinks I'm losing feelings...” Jimin admitted.
“After five years?” Taehyung furrowed his eyebrows. “Is that even possible?”
“That’s what I said, ” Jimin shared, “But maybe he’s right. Maybe I subconsciously gave up.”
Taehyung seemed to be deep in thought, ”Maybe...”
“And concerning Jungkook, I just want to know if I still have it or not before I say anything. If I do, I’ll definitely tell him before the surgery, on the anesthesia if I have to,” Taehyung smiled at that, “and if I don’t...I’ll tell him before summer. Send him a text or something and wait for him to come to yell at me.”
“Oh, he’ll definitely yell at you if you text him,” Taehyung agreed. “I’m glad you’re getting better.”
“Yeah, that’s a lot of problems avoided, huh. But it’s not over yet! We’ll know in two weeks.”
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And two weeks passed. A month. Two months. Jimin was fine. Better than fine.
They stopped their hiatus and started planning a comeback, the hyungs we’re overjoyed and relieved to hear that Jimin wasn’t sick anymore. They’d been holding their breath for two weeks without noticing.
Jungkook still didn’t know, but Jimin had sat down on their day off to try and draft a text message that would explain well, and not send the maknae marching into his bedroom with a baseball bat.
Yoongi was sitting on the couch, scrolling through Twitter when Jungkook walked in, looking like a lost puppy. “Looking for someone?” he asked the younger.
“Do you know where Jiminie-Hyung is?” Of course. Yoongi had noticed the younger’s heart eyes toward his hyung lately. Now that Jimin was fine, the nightmare was all over. And maybe Jungkook even finally realized he wasn’t straight. Congratulations. He was the last one to know. Besides, Jimin, maybe.
But Yoongi didn’t want to butt into that, so he waited quietly for Jimin to explain to Jungkook what had actually happened so that they could finally get together and have their little happy ending. Yoongi was a sucker for happy endings, not that he’d ever admit it.
“He’s in his room, but he said not to disturb him. He’s working really hard on lyrics or something.”
“On our day off?” Jungkook seemed to deflate a little. “Okay...are there any muffins from the bakery left?”
Yoongi smiled. Jimin, then food. Jungkook’s priorities were precise. “Yes, there’s two in the fridge but save one for Seokseok-ah.”
Jungkook flashed a bright smile and ran off the kitchen.
The second oldest smiled to himself and kept scrolling through Twitter mindlessly. His thoughts started to wander off, but once the words what if Jimin actually lost feelings snuck their way into his mind, he shut his phone off and shook the thought away. That would be horrible.
While getting a glass of water, Yoongi heard choked coughing from the bathroom. Pushing down his worst-case scenario set mind, he called out, “Jungkook-ah?”
Yoongi doesn’t get extremely scared often. He figured after he had a full-on panic attack when Jimin said he was in stage four, that would be it for the next few months. But when he opened the bathroom door to see spireas in the sink, and Jungkook still coughing his lungs out while gripping the counter, his throat constricted and his heart threatened to beat out of his chest because his nightmares only seem to come true.
════ ⋆★⋆ ════
Doesn’t the pain hurt more when it’s not like you completely missed, but the timing was just a bit off?